Forever Dreaming

[EleanorThomson]

Hello everyone! I'm kind of new in the writing department, and i'm not very good at english, so if i make any sort of typos or mistakes on my writing, feel free to give me your suggestions, criticism and correct my errors! anyway, i'm just going to start a new Fan Fic that i've been thinking about. After reading KS to 100%, i felt motivated, and somehow it activated a ''spark'' of some sort, that gave me tons of ideas. Now here we are.

Firstly, i'd like to say that this Fic takes place in the same universe of Hanako's route, and you'll be following the story of how Ellen got to Yamaku, followed her dreams, made new friends, etc. Who's this ''Ellen'', you might be asking? well, she's an OC created just for this Fic. She's not going to romance anyone from KS lore, and her story will be more focused on making a strong, believable friendship with Hisao, Hanako and Lilly. perhaps, in some cases, she might even help them out in some occasions where the route takes place, changing the story from being a ''copy and paste'' of the original with just an added character, to a more original universe, with certain aspects from the game.

Now, before i post the story itself, i believe i should tell you guys first what kind of a person Ellen is, just to give an idea of what she looks like.

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Ellen Kido

Birthday: June 12
Zodiac: Gemini
Blood Type: A
Height: 165 cm
Weight: 53 kg
Hair: Bright Gold
Eyes: Blue Gray

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And that's about it! i hope you enjoy the story, as much as i'll enjoy writing it. the first act will be posted soon, until then, i'll see you guys next time!

[Sea]

Not sure if this is a dumb question or not, but what is her disability?

[SpunkySix]

Hm... I'll definitely be reading this when it comes out. Color me interested.

[EleanorThomson]

Not sure if this is a dumb question or not, but what is her disability?

Hey there Sea, she's not disabled in any way! she's mostly mentally scarred from the car accident, and after moving to Japan, her father got her to Yamaku to live a quiet life and to finish her studies after everything that happened to her at the hospital, after being in a coma for so long, she takes medication to help her sleep, and since Yamaku has everything we know it has, it was a nice choice of his part to put his daughter there, close to health care if anything went wrong with her medication or stability.

Hm... I'll definitely be reading this when it comes out. Color me interested.

Thanks, Spunky! I'm really looking forward to seeing your opinion!

[Mournful3ch0]

... She's mostly mentally scarred from the car accident, and after moving to Japan, her father got her to Yamaku to live a quiet life and to finish her studies after everything that happened to her at the hospital...

Ah, I see. So it parallels the Hanako route in more ways than one.

Well, I am interested. Have you begun writing for your story at all? If so, do you have a target number of words per chapter? Also, what language did you primarily communicate in other than English?

Edit: As nobody else has posted this so far, I feel obliged to warn you against route writing as a first time project in the Katawa Shoujo fanficition universe. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there are many, many routes that have been written to an extent of ~20,000 or so words and then abandoned. Should you choose to continue your writing, my suggestion is to read and carefully take apart the criticisms of the more prolific writers here, such as Helbereth, Leaty, Mirage_GSM, and more. They can qute easily be identified by their prodigious post count numbers.

That said, this forum has some tools to help writers. This post has a lot of useful information if you ever find yourself in need of help. Of course, if you're really stuck, you could message me and I would be glad to try and be of assistance. If I am patronizing you and you have indeed written before, I apologize.

Thanks for posting, and I'm sure it will be wonderful.

[EleanorThomson]

Act Zero - The World As We Know It (part 1)

I hear the loud sound of my school's bell ringing, and just like it began not a few hours ago, today's class ended smoothly. I wouldn't say that it was ''smooth'' because I'm smart, but because today I was caught trying to skip class in the gardens, trying to get some sleep on the soft green grass. Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday, my mom and I drank a little bit of wine to celebrate, while it was somewhat weird for my own mother to offer me Alcohol, I accepted it just for the occasion.

I couldn't sleep in class, or else someone annoying would wake me up, and I couldn't stay in my house either, because I hate being stuck in one small place alone for too long. what do they call it, Claustrophobia, or something like that? honestly, I don't know, and that's the first word I could think of when I think of my fear. I don't mind sleeping alone in a grassy field, though. Where I can feel the wind blowing my hair around aimlessly, the grass touching my skin and the earth being my natural bed, honestly, i'd say i've spent a lot of my school year sleeping in these gardens, they're really like a sanctuary for me.

Or so I thought, before I got caught by some of the school's staff. I really can't blame them, they were doing their job, and I was lying in the ground like an idiot, after last night I didn't even think that they would get me if I stayed in the open. So perhaps i've proven that i'm not the brightest star around here, not that i was trying to prove anything anyway. And now i wait for my mom to pick me up and sign off anything she has to, here I was thinking about how my ''milestone'' of never being caught skipping class was ruined. Every student I know eventually leaves the school, i'm stuck here waiting for my mom, she had to ask her boss if she could come here to pick me up, as if it was something urgent. Eh, not really, they can't keep me stuck here forever, can they?

''Hey there sweetie, i'm sorry i took so long.''

Before I could think of anything else, there she is. my mom, appearing from nowhere in all of her glory. I didn't mind her taking so long to come, I even took a nap!

''No worries, mom. You're gonna talk to these ''gentlemen'' about letting me go, or are you just here to give these guys reason to add more time in my jail?''

I don't really mean anything I say, almost everything that comes out of my mouth makes no sense, and when I do talk like that to anyone i'm just trying to lighten my mood a bit. I'm not the funniest person around, but I certainly try.

She gives a small chuckle, I know that wasn't funny, but she likes to make me think that I am. One more reason why she's so great.

''Now now, i'm certain that you had enough time to ''rest'' here. We're going home, there's still something else we need to do today.''

I get up from the couch in the small room, and she opens the door, not a few steps away from me to talk to the staff. I pick up my stuff, put my sketchbook in my bag, and leave. Not so long after i'm out of the school's gate, my mom comes behind me, and we walk to the car.

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Some time passes. Like an hour and a half, we're already speeding on the road at a comfortable pace, it looks like we're both deep in our thoughts.

I wonder what she meant with ''something else''? my birthday was yesterday and we celebrated the whole night. It's probably nothing. I can see the moon from where I am in the car, in the backseat. I like being here mostly because of how much time my mom and I have spent driving aimlessly through the night when I was young. she did that because of my nightmares, and since I couldn't sleep, she just drove around, waiting for me to relax, and give in to how tired I was. It's kind of embarrassing, but it's something I hold dear to my heart. The moon looks beautiful, and the night looks quiet. The window that is half open let in some wind to refresh the air, it feels good. If we could, I would spend the rest of my life like this, just me and her, in a quiet night, with no words, just each other's presence. There's no awkward silence, but there's a silence of respect and mutual love, if there even exists something like that. Maybe i'm just complicating things.

And then she's the first one to break this sweet silence.

''Sweetie, we're almost home. Are you asleep?''

Did she think that I was asleep? only now I realize how peaceful I must look, my eyes closed, and the wind gently blowing my hair, with my chin resting on my arm. Heh, she's quick to judge, but i'm not asleep. However, when I look up to her, I see something wrong going on at the other side of the road, that bastard must be really drunk to drive like that, zigzagging from one side to the other. My eyesight is surprisingly good even though the cars are so far from each other. At first I didn't care, i thought that my mom would be able to handle it. But it took only a fraction of a second to realise that she's still looking at me. That guy is getting closer and closer, all of this happening so fast that I couldn't even react properly.

And then he's headed our way, getting in front of our side of the road, he must be insane, or worse. I try to call my mom as quick as I could, she's still looking straight to my eyes.

''MOM, LOOK OU---''

Our cars crash into each other so hard that from what little I could see, they already dented heavily. If I learned anything in class, i'd say the car hit us with that much force because of it's speed, and hitting us head on probably didn't help either. my generously short life flashes in front of my eyes. I tried to point out to the car while I yelled, the first thing I see is me flying head on to the back of the front seat, i'm not using any seat belt, and i'm quite light weighted. I feel my arm breaking so fast that my brain can't even compute the pain, and then I give one last look to my mom. She didn't even see the car coming, there are pieces of glass flying everywhere. I hit my head. And that one small second that looked like an eternity is over, and then nothing happens. There's no sound, no pain, nothing. Is this what it feels like to die...? I don't know if I should be scared or something more, but right now, i'm stuck in this limbo, stuck between life and something else.

I can't feel anything.

I can't cry for what just happened.

I can't see my mom anymore...

There are so many things I wish I could do, so many mistakes i wish I haven't done...

But it all goes into nothingness.

Everything that i've ever felt or did was nothing but a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.

And then without further warning, my mind dissolves into the cold embrace of emptiness, cold, darkness.

Death? I don't know. I can't care, I wish I could, I really do.

Mom... I'm sorry.


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...And there you have it folks. First time writing something, i'm sorry if it's a bit grim, but it's a traumatizing moment of her life, so i tried to capture what she feels as best as i can. that's why it's a bit short, but don't worry, part 2 will involve even more things. I hope y'all like it!

EDIT: Finally, after a million edits, i can finally say that this chapter is good to read, despite being so damn short. I'm sorry about how bad it must've been to read this while it was full of typos and punctuation errors. I'd like to give a very special thank you for all those fine gentlemen who gave me their help and support. However, this was just the start of my writing experience, and i'll certainly keep improving each time i write.

[Mournful3ch0]

Alright, I'll do some basic screening to get you started.

I wouldn't say that it was ''smooth'' because I'm smart or anything, but because today I was caught trying to skip the class on the gardens, trying to get some sleep on the calm and soft green grass.

This sentence has a lot of problems. The words I underlined are, in my opinion, entirely unnecessary. The bold 'I's are corrected from 'i'. In English, it is important to capitalize proper nouns, with 'I' being the most prolific one.

Yesterday was my birthday, so i became eighteen years old. My mom and i drank a little bit of wine to celebrate, she suggested it, but I couldn't deny anything from her, specially on my big day.

Ok. This sentence is what is known as a run-on. Run-on meaning you had an excessive use of commas and more than one idea. The bold bit where it says 'she suggested it' is out of place, and restructuring would allow you to include it more meaningfully without breaking the flow. Also, the word you were looking for at the end is 'especially'.

Where i can feel the wind blowing my hair around aimlessly, the grass touching my skin, and the earth being my natural bed. If I could be honest, i'd say i've spent about a seventh of my school year on these gardens, they're really like a sanctuary for me.

Instead of using the excessively wordy phrase, the word 'honestly' would suffice here. As for 'a seventh of my school year', the idea of such an arbitrary amount was jarring to me, and undoubtedly other readers.

Some time passes. Like a hour and a half, we're already speeding through the road at a comfortable speed, it looks like we're both deep in our thoughts.

I have a bit of trouble with excessive repetition myself, but it's worth noting. There are plenty of synonyms that you can just use a thesaurus or Google to find. In this case, the second use of speed could be replaced by 'pace', for example.

It's silly, but it's something i hold dear, among many other things.

It might just be me, but it would be more unusual for someone not to have many things that they hold dear.

Too late. the cars crash into each other,..

That scene is hard to understand. What direction was the drunk driver coming from? How fast? Where did he hit your character's car? Why does your character find the oncoming drunk driver so acceptable?
Hope this helps.

[EleanorThomson]

Thanks for everything, Mournful! i'm feeling kinda embarrassed right now... in a good way. It's alright for anyone to make mistakes on their first try, and i appreciate your thoughts! The next chapter will be much better thanks to your notes, but anyway, taking everything wrong aside, how's the story on it's own?

EDIT: Oh, about the ''spent about a seventh of my school year on these gardens'' line, she was mostly exaggerating. Next time i'll keep that in mind!

[Mirage_GSM]

I was caught trying to skip class on the gardens

Do you mean "in the gardens"?

i've spent about a lot of my school year on these gardens

In this case, if you write "on the gardens" it would mean she spent time working on gardening or something similar.

appearing from nowhere with all of her glory

Should also be "in" here.

i'm just trying to light my mood a bit.

"lighten"

Like an hour and a half, we're already speeding through the road at a comfortable pace

"Speeding "through" the road sounds strange. Either "on" the road or omit the road completely and write "speeding at a comfortable pace"

from where i am in the car, at the back seat.

Again: "in"

If i learned anything in class i'd say it was probably for the speed, and where that sturdy black car hit our own, directly head on.

This sentence doesn't make any sense...

but right now, i'm stuck on this limbo

You really don't like "in", do you

There's so much things

Technically it should be "There are so many things..." The first thing could be colloquial speech, though I recommend not to use that in internal monologue.

In general, as 3ch0 wrote you should always capitalize "I" thoughout your text. (though I think classifying it as a "proper noun" is a bit strange^^°
Overall your writing isn't bad - just a bit rough around the edges.
One thing you should avoid in future writings is that thing with the character bio. It's always better to introduce your characters through the story - and by telling us in advance where you intend to take the story, you've automatically made it less interesting to read...

Edit:
Oh, and if you need a reason for her to be at Yamaku: After 14 months in a coma, she will be extremely weak and will probably need at least several months to learn to properly walk again. In the beginning she'd probably need crutches. More than enough reason to enroll her in Yamaku... Provided she learned Japanese which is always a problem if you use characters that grew up in other countries. It would be easier to have her grown up in Japan in the first place.

[Mournful3ch0]

Well, Mirage caught me trying to play editor again. Back to the basement for another week :<

I thought the story has a solid, well thought out premise. However, the execution could use a bit of work. As no more than a beginning writer myself, I think that your introduction could use some TLC further down the line.

[EleanorThomson]

EDIT: Everything was fixed! Thank you Mirage!

Anyway, as you said, she's gonna have problems while walking at first, and probably gonna need some crutches. She's not a master at Japanese, but she does manage to understand and speak a bit; thanks to the lessons she had at school, and because of her aspiring profession of being a Manga artist and just being a hardcore Anime fan in general, she already knows enough. Of course, when you think about it, she's gonna rock at Yamaku's English tests!

Thank you all for your support! part 2 should be out soon!

[Silentcook]

Firstly, i'd like to say that this Fic takes place in the same universe of Hanako's route,

Okay. Allows the uninterested to look elsewhere if they want to.

and you'll be following the story of how Ellen got to Yamaku, followed her dreams, made new friends, etc.

A bit redundant, but still somewhat okay.

Who's this ''Ellen'', you might be asking? well, she's a OC created just for this Fic.

Not very okay at all. Picking the same name as your username smacks of author self-insert, which is always a bad idea.

[EleanorThomson]

Hey there Cook, you caught me slightly off guard while I am writing part 2! I have not thought about that, naming my username after my character, perhaps i was just excited to write so much that i did not give any attention to my user details. I would gladly edit my settings if there is anyway possible. I really appreciate your opinion!

[Mirage_GSM]

Why not simply rename your character? That's easy enough for you to do.
And while you're at it, you can make her Japanese - except if you want to make her insufficient language skills a plot point...
You know that would actually be an interesting thing to do, but I don't think it will be easy...

[Oscar Wildecat]

Why not simply rename your character? That's easy enough for you to do.
And while you're at it, you can make her Japanese - except if you want to make her insufficient language skills a plot point...
You know that would actually be an interesting thing to do, but I don't think it will be easy...

Here's one way for a [Hallf-]Japanese character to have insufficient language skills... Make her businessman father work for a Japanese auto manufacturer. For a English speaking character, both Toyota and Honda have manufacturing plants in the US, Canada and UK. For example, you have this plant that opened in 1986 -- plenty of time for any story background to take place...