Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (New NSFW Art 2/22)

[Resmyx]

Hiya Eurobeatjester,

Thank you for lending me your strength. Reading LtF comforted me during a really tough period in my life. Now that things are a lot better for me and I look back at my past, I feel I owe you at least a small thanks.

Story time!

A year or so before discovering LtF, my life was spiralling out of control. Money running out, no family to talk to, no friends who deeply cared about me, no plans for the future... I saw my life hitting a metaphorical dead end in half a year. So one night when the river was fast, shallow and cold, I took a walk to the highest bridge in town with a terrfying plan.

On that bridge, I did not find death. I never climbed that railing and I never jumped. Instead, I found that I had control over something: my own life and and death. With control over that, it gave me a glimmer of hope for my future. I found the strength to start taking back control of my life. That night was really empowering.

Unfortunately, I did not have the words to describe the experience and felt completely alone with these thoughts.

Lucky for me, it was the beginning a lot of little steps towards a better future. I started fighting my habit of acting all tough and strong for the sake of others. I started being more vulnerable and honest with friends. I reconnected with family. I made career plans. I came out as a trans woman and stopped pretending to be a man. Along with coming out, I let go of my shame over liking VNs, fanfics and smutty writing.

I was drawn to KS because I had a morbid curiosity about stories involving death and dangerous health conditions. It didn't take me long to find this forum and Learning to Fly. Reading LfF and in particular your comment at the end of act 3 gave me comfort that no other writing could. It was a small thing, but it gave me the words I needed to share my experience with others.

No matter how bad things get, no matter how many things you lose control over, suicide is the one thing you still have control over. It's a horrible thing to latch on to but once you get to that point, you're looking for anything to keep your head above water and it is the absolute last thing that can keep you afloat.

It's not the idea of killing yourself that you take comfort in, it's the sense of agency the ability to make a choice gives. It can create a stepping stone to other small things - if I have control over something...what else do I have control over? Can I control my reaction to the things I find uncontrollable? Yes. Every success builds off the previous one, with suicide being the cornerstone - something that can look incredibly alarming or wrong to other people (like therapists...)

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Today? Well today I start work at my dream job. I'm surrounded by family that care for me. I have friends who appreciate our deep emotional conversations. I got meds that make me feel feminine and I am very happy in my gender. I've even found love.

I'm eagerly looking forward to the conclusion of LtF. I'm going to typeset and format it so I can get it professionally printed and put LtF on my bookshelf.

Thank you,

Resmyx

P.S. If anyone else in this forum wants to print LtF, I'll happily share my files, when they're ready.

[Sulik]

Anyone know EBJ's status?

[Blackmambauk]

He's still active and working on finishing up Learning to Fly when I chatted to him earlier this year on Discord.

Euro wants to make sure he covers everything that he wants to in the final chapters.

No idea on when they could be released, but the wait will be well worth it.

Thanks very much

Kind Regards

Mamba

[guthrum06]

I'm so happy I was finally able to make an account after thr server moved so I can finally voice my praise for this. I am a very late convert to Katawa Shoujo, only discovering it earlier this year. I have since devoured pretty much all the fanfiction out there.

Learning to Fly is not only my favorite fanfic, but one of my favorite works of literature. Saki is an incredible character, shining more for me than any of the girls in the game. I'm excited to see how it concludes. I'm waiting patiently yet eagerly.

This story even inspired me to write my own fanfiction. I had never even considered writing fiction before, and I have really enjoyed the ride that it has taken me on, and its all thanks to this!

[Eurobeatjester]

I don’t really have too much of an excuse for taking this long to update, but life has been a whirlwind that’s involved me moving twice, switching careers entirely, and finally getting access to resources and help that I’ve desperately needed.

Things are finally on the upswing again, and hopefully they’ll stay that way for a while.

Probably the biggest thing that happened in the last year and a half was that, well…I got engaged. When I first downloaded this VN ten years ago, I never could have imagined the ways it would change my life, and still continues to do so. My fiancee and I met because of this game, and it definitely made me go back and rewrite this a few times.

I also was really inspired when I found KyleDaBoss' project of Stories Beyond, and adapting LtF as the first story to be included. I wasn't even aware of it until after the demo/Act 1 came out, and it was absolutely surreal; to see my writing inspired by a game be put back into that game format to be played...it's a really strange feeling of happiness as a creator that I've never had before.

And speaking of ten years, there’s only a few more weeks until the ten year anniversary of me starting Learning to Fly. I’ve set a goal for myself to complete the story on or by that date, with a big piece of commissioned art either dropping on that day or soon after.

There’s only one chapter left, and I’m both scared of and looking forward to writing it. I haven’t stuck with anything this long, much less finished something, but I’m ready for that next step.

Thanks for putting up with me all these years; I greatly appreciate it, and am looking forward to bringing it home. And I’ll admit…it’s pretty heartwarming to see the old CSS forum style back!

The song for this chapter is Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls. It tops out around 7k words.

Hard to believe all that’s left is another 10k or so…although I do have a two or three chapter epilogue planned - Ideally, one chapter set a few months after graduation, one set a year or two after, and finally one set ten years in the future.

Enjoy!

Act 4: Liftoff

Scene 13: Slide

Once the words are out, it’s really hard to figure out any other way to move forward…but that’s not as reassuring as I thought it would be.

“Is everything okay?” she asks me, her voice equal parts confused and concerned.

“Yeah, it is. Well, almost,” I answer, faltering about halfway through the statement. It doesn’t look like my attempt to ease into this conversation is going to do much to blunt it. With a deep breath of resignation, I try to calm down. It doesn’t work completely, but I’m getting a slightly better handle on myself.

“Should I be worried…?”

Saki is most definitely concerned now.

“I need to invoke the rom-com clause,” I manage to get out.

“Rom-com clause? What’s the rom-com clause?” Saki asks, twisting a bit so her body is facing more in my direction. We come apart slightly, but I still keep my hands on her shoulders as I give a slight smile.

“You know how in every romantic comedy, there’s usually a big misunderstanding, and that it can all be avoided with five minutes of communication?”

More confused than ever, she squints. “O…kay?”

“When someone invokes the rom-com clause, it means they get five minutes to explain themselves.” I finish, trying to seem more confident in that statement than I really am. I can already tell that Saki’s not going to buy it completely from the way an eyebrow goes up, but hopefully she’ll understand what I’m trying to get at…and then she smiles.

“That might just be one of the corniest things I’ve ever heard,” she laughs.

“Hey, blame my dad. He’s the one that pointed it out to me.”

Saki gets an incredulous look on her face. “And that works with your family?”

“So far,” I say, reminiscing. “They have to be doing something right. I know there were times I wasn’t the easiest to deal with, even when it wasn’t my fault. I kind of resented them when I first came here for that very reason.”

“Why’s that?”

“The two of them would always tackle problems together. It was never the two of them against each other; it was always the two of them against the problem. Unfortunately,” I grumble, “I ended up being a pretty big problem when I had my heart attack.”

“Hisao…”

“The two of them basically decided to ship me up here. I didn’t have a choice. If I really tried to fight it, they probably would have let me go back to my old school, but they had already filled out the paperwork and taken care of everything by the time they even tried to speak to me about it."

“I see,” she responds, her voice hushed. “This…really means a lot to you, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does,” I say, squeezing her shoulders.

After a few seconds, she steps up to me, closing the distance between us until my arms can link around her shoulders.

“Do you ever regret it?” she asks. “Your attack? Yamaku? Any of it?”

“Not in the way I used to.”

She pivots her head to look up at me. “What do you mean by that?”

I take another deep breath and let it out slowly. “I never would have ended up here by choice. I don’t think anyone here would. I regret that I have a heart defect. I regret that I had a heart attack. I regret that I’ll have to keep on top of it for the rest of my life. But…life doesn’t care if we have regrets about the way it turns out or not. It keeps moving forward. You showed me that. Chisato and Noriko showed me that. Nearly everyone here at the entire school has shown me that.”

I think back over the past year, and how hard it was to break out of that self-pitying cycle for the first few months of it. It’s been a while since I looked back on this part of my life to examine it as the person I am now compared to who I was back then; my words have more truth to them than I realize until I say them out loud.

And yet, it feels good in a way to let it out. Every time I retrod that ground, I gain a new perspective on it.

“You taught me to come to peace with the things I can’t change, because life isn’t going to do it for me. And because of that, when I do move forward, I can be proud of it.”

Saki doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, contemplating my words as her eyes search mine. When she finally does speak again, she’s more curious than apprehensive.

“When did you start to see things that way?”

“It’s strange,” I say. “It didn’t happen overnight, but looking back, I can tell you where it started.”

“Yeah?”

“The festival, the first week of school.”

She grins at that. “You picked up on things pretty quick.”

I shake my head. “It wasn’t just the festival. It was something you said to me. You were the first one who told me it was okay to feel sorry for myself and what happened to me, as long as I didn’t stay in that place. I really did need to hear that.”

“You were the one who did all the work, Hisao,” she says, craning up to give me a quick kiss. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m really happy to be having this conversation, but…this doesn’t exactly seem like something that would need this clause of yours.”

“I haven’t gotten to that part yet.”

“Okay then,” she assures. “Rom-com clause it is. What’s on your mind?”

Even though she’s given me the go-ahead, it still takes me a few seconds to figure out how I want to approach this.

“Do you think that your parents were serious tonight about letting you attend Tokyo?”

“They better be,” she immediately growls. “Especially after what Mrs. Nanahara pulled.”

“I know, right?” I reply. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone else corner someone the way she did to your father.”

“It’s one of the reasons I respect her so much. It’s an insane amount of work to get to the point she has. She flat out said she has to deal with people like my dad.”

“People who have power in their curated lives and think it applies to every interaction they have?”

Saki blinks. “You do learn fast.”

“It’s a shame we graduate tomorrow. Shizune could definitely have used some pointers from her.”

She laughs a bit, but then her face becomes serious again. “Seriously, Hisao. Out with it.”

I sigh. “Your parents are signing the paperwork to finalize Tokyo tomorrow, right? You don’t think he might take that back?”

“He won’t. It’s the reason why Mrs. Nanahara asked him in front of everyone tonight. My father absolutely hates looking like a liar in front of other people that are big time mucky-mucks.”

“What about afterwards? Is there a chance he might rescind it? Or try to go for guardianship when you turn twenty?”

“As long as I don’t slap any ex-boyfriends in public again, I doubt it.”

“And when you get to the point where you can’t anymore?”

“Can’t what, slap Maeda?”

“Saki, please,” I implore, trying to show her how hard this conversation is for me. I sit down on the bench next to us to drive the point home.

She gives an impatient sigh, dropping her tone down to match mine as she remains standing. “Okay. You’re asking me if I think he’d go back on it, or try to threaten me again regardless of what happens now.”

I nod.

There’s a pained annoyance when she answers me. “Then I end up going through with it sooner. Look, why are you-”

“What if there was another way?” I blurt out, cutting her off.

She crosses her arms, and an agitated look flashes across her face. “What do you mean, Hisao? I told you not to try and talk me out of it. Please don’t tell me you have a problem with this now.”

I hold up my hands in a placating gesture, trying to head off any defensiveness she has building up at the pass, but it looks like I might not be succeeding. I shake my head.

“No, I remember what you told me at the beach, and that’s not what I meant. I’m not trying to, nor will I ever try to talk you out of it. Just…hear me out, okay?” My hands then steeple in front of my own face as I lean forward, thinking about what I want to say next.

“Are you okay?”

I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. “I need to get through the next few thoughts here, and I’m still forming them in my head because I’m trying to figure out how to say them without sounding crazy.”

“You’re off to a great start,” she says with another chuckle, although just a tad sardonically.

“Do you remember the reason you gave me for being scared that night, at the park? When you told me about your plans about ending things on your own terms?”

Even saying it now, it no longer shocks me. It sure did that night, but as more time has gone by, I’ve come to accept it more and more.

“I do. I was scared you would think differently of me,” Saki replies, a bit on edge.

“So. How am I doing in that regard?”

She hesitates a bit, more from the strangeness of the question than trying to ease a bad answer. “You’ve done…pretty well, Hisao. More than well. Hell, you’ve done so much better than I could have asked for. You’ve stayed with me through everything. The recording, Christmas…”

“I should be the one thanking you after that. It was really great having you visit me in the hospital after my pacemaker surgery.”

“Sorry again for what happened the other night,” she says, grimacing. She finally moves over and sits down next to me, straightening her dress while she does so. When she puts her hand on my arm, I reach down to give it a squeeze.

“I’m alright. Really.”

She nods and leans against me, putting her head on my shoulder. I normally find the gesture calming, but in this case, it makes me hyper aware of her presence.

It’s still comforting, in a way that gives me encouragement. The same way she always has from the first day I met her. She’s always been pushing me forward, not letting me slide back. And she’s been helping me up every time I’ve stumbled - not just from Yamaku and my situation, but life in general.

Okay. Here goes.

“Well then,” I start, ”I guess it’s my turn.”

“Your turn? For what?”

“Bringing up something that’s probably going to change our relationship.”

(...continued...)

[Eurobeatjester]

I feel her body stiffen a bit against mine. After a few seconds, I hear her respond.

“So, this is the reason for the clause?”

“...yeah.”

Another several moments pass as she regains some composure. “I promise I’ll listen to what you have to say and try to keep an open mind about it.”

“I appreciate that.”

She leans against me a little harder. “You did the same for me. More than once.”

I swallow hard. “You’re scared that your father is going to try and reassert his authority and put you in that facility in a few years, and I know you’re not going to let it get to that point.”

“That’s right,” she answers, her tone matching mine.

“He would automatically be the one to make medical and legal decisions on your behalf once you’re no longer able to. What if, instead of your parents, that ended up going to someone else?”

She again pulls away from me a bit, just far enough to look me in the eyes, showing me her confusion.

“Shuya? There’s no way I can put him through that, and he’s in line to take over father’s company someday-”

“Not a brother, Saki,” I say, my voice soft. I gently squeeze her hand when I do, and I can feel my face heat up and my heart quicken.

I’m suddenly reminded of the night of the festival, so long ago. Spending time together just getting to know each other. The two of us on the grass, watching the fireworks. I remember how nervous I was when I asked her directly about her condition, and how long it took for her to answer me.

The eons between several heartbeats play out before her eyes go wide. Her whole body stiffens as she realizes the implication.

”Y…you?”

I nod, far past the point of backtracking. “Medical decisions would go to a spouse over a parent, wouldn’t they?”

Saki’s gaze, which had been locked on mine, slowly shifts to the middle distance as what I just said hits her. The complicated flurry of emotions on her face are hard to read. I’m sure mine is just as bad.

Finally, she relaxes…no, slumps is more the correct word.

“You. I…” she stammers, trying to get the words to line up in order. “...I never even imagined something like that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t have a good segue into that-”

“-no, it’s okay. I just…that’s a lot, Hisao.” It’s not said with a tone of defeat, or sadness, but one that seems genuine in its comprehension. I see her thinking hard, and I try my best to hold my tongue.

A second passes, doubles, doubles yet again. She snaps back to focus but won’t meet my eyes.

“Do I get a rebuttal?”

“I…I’m sorry?” I stutter, clearly not expecting an answer like that.

“Your rom-com clause. Is it one-sided or is it a two way street?”

“It goes both ways.”

She hugs herself and closes her eyes. “It’s not just my father. I said I wasn’t going to watch myself fade away. You don’t think I just meant in that place he took me to, do you?”

I hear those words, and I understand their meaning instantly. Something in my brain tells me this should be a big revelation, but that’s the thing. It should be, because it isn’t. The fact that I’m not shocked is what’s most shocking at all.

“...you still wouldn’t have complete control over your choice.”

Saki hears this, and after a second, her countenance falters and she starts to shake, turning her head away from me completely. “You’re right. Damn it. You’re exactly right,” she laughs. It’s a quiet laugh, but it’s one that I’m absolutely not expecting.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was panicking trying to figure out how to even explain the idea to you, and just like that, you’re able to sum it up.”

That reaction lets me know how much I’ve come to understand her - no, it’s more than that. It lets me know that I’m capable of understanding her even more; that I can see things from her point of view, and how much I’ve had to change to do so.

Even if I do become her husband to insulate her from her father’s misguided charity, it’s still the same in that she doesn’t get any true agency over her future. It would only be shifting it from her father to me, hoping that I wouldn’t do the same as him.

“Do you really want me to be honest?” she says.

“I do.”

She considers this for a moment, although it feels much longer. “Tell me how you feel about it, Hisao.”

I’m a bit taken aback. “What part, specifically?”

“Let’s go through what you’re pr…suggesting,” she says, catching and correcting herself. She sits up straight, and when I feel her shoulder break contact with mine, it makes me wince internally.

“First of all. We’re too young, Hisao.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“We’d need parental approval and-”

“I’ve got mine already.”

“Wait, seriously? You spoke to your parents about this? When did that happen?”

“When we went out to eat this morning. I didn’t tell them I was going to do it, but I was asking for possible input on it.”

“...what did they say?”

“Make sure it was something I was sure about.”

Her voice drops. “Are you? Are you really?”

“I…” I start to respond, and then hesitate just for a second. She picks up on this and scoffs a bit, turning away from me. “That's why I wanted to talk to you about it.”

Another pause. “You’ve never actually told me how you feel about my decision.”

I frown. “I don’t recall ever asking you to justify it or trying to challenge you on it.”

“I know you say you agree with it, but you’ve never really brought it up with me outside of the night we first talked about it.”

I rub the back of my neck. “It never seemed to be something you wanted to bring up, especially after Christmas,” I cautiously state, trying to figure out what she’s getting at with this angle of questioning.

“You had months to question it before then. Before this conversation now.”

“Are…are you upset with me because I took you at your word?”

“No! Gods no, I’m not. But please, Hisao, please understand,” she implores, her voice pleading with me. “If I’m going to give you that power over me, I need - and deserve - to know your answer.”

I look at her when the weight of her statement hits me, and the look on her face cuts me deeply. She’s barely holding herself together. Her lips and brow are as set as she can make them, but they still barely twitch…yet no amount of bravado hides the mixture of terrified apprehension and unrelenting curiosity that swirls within her eyes.

I run a hand through my hair, trying to slick it back but only succeeding in freeing more of it to fall in front of my face. “How can I even start?”

“With the truth, Hisao. However it needs to come out. Please. If you love me - if you’ve ever loved me, and I know you do - you need to be honest with me,” she finishes, squeezing my hand tightly.

“All right. The truth is, I don’t know how to feel about it completely. And I’ve tried to figure it out, Saki. Even before Noriko ever mentioned this idea to me-”

“So Noriko was the one who suggested this?”

“When you were having coffee with Chisato. I was sharing some thoughts - thoughts, not doubts - about our relationship, I say, attempting to tread lightly. “I meant it when I said I wanted to try a relationship together after graduation, and I know you do, too. We somehow got on the topic of your father, and it just came up. She wasn’t suggesting or pushing for this.”

“Okay. Let’s say I believe you,” she says, lingering a few seconds before continuing. “So…what were your…thoughts…on being together before talking with Noriko?”

“I thought we talked about this the other night in my room-”

“-yeah, we did, but that was before you basically just asked me to marry you!”

“I didn’t get the idea in my head until after we had that conversation!”

“Well then maybe we should have it again, now that all the cards are on the table!” Saki finishes, exasperated.

We both look at each other, more worked up that we want to realize or acknowledge behind our reddening faces. The same connection we have that allows us to find peace in each other's presence winds us up just as effectively, if not as often. When it does happen, it’s usually because we’re being passionate about something.

It takes a handful of seconds to calm ourselves.

“Can you give me a few seconds to figure out how to answer this?” I softly venture. When she nods, I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders, only to shackle itself to my heart.

I’ve never really asked myself that question seriously before, or at least as seriously as the current mood warrants. I can admit to myself that it was because of willful ignorance of the implications of us sticking together. It came up very infrequently, but when it did, it seemed each of us was willing to do almost anything to move on to a different subject. Saki had reached an acceptance about her condition, and with her help, I found my own.

The two of us had tried - naively, now that we’re here - to somehow avoid the reality of what it would actually mean. As exhilarating and fulfilling as the relationship is…it’s equally terrifying to think of all the pain we’re going to owe for it.

You know I’m going to end up hurting you, right?

What I’m going to owe for it.

There’s going to be a point where the number of bad days will catch up to the good, before overtaking them.

There’s going to be a point where seeing her deteriorate will crush me. Much like believing in Saki’s drive compared to experiencing it, I can in no way prepare myself for that time when it comes.

There’s going to be a point where she tells me that it’s time.

And there’s going to be a point where she’s gone.

(...continued...)

[Eurobeatjester]

It frightens me, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise.

I breathe deeply, trying to clear my head. I don’t want to tell her what I think she might want to hear. I can’t and won’t disrespect either of us and what we are by being anything less than honest.

“You say that going out on your own terms gives you strength,” I begin. “I can’t relate, Saki. I’ve never been in that mindset long enough to have convictions about it. I’ve never taken a good hard look at how I feel about suicide in general because it’s not something I’ve ever seriously considered. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have the pressure of your ataxia hanging over your head. And…there’s a part of me that feels I come up short because of all that.”

She opens her mouth to respond, but no sound comes out. A moment later, she closes it again, waiting for me to continue.

“I thought I understood you, that night you told me. I knew it was important to you. I thought that was enough. But it wasn’t until tonight that I really believed it after I saw it in action. I saw how it drove you so hard the months you were gone and the decision to give it everything you had tonight. It’s just…” I pause, looking up at the sky above me and smiling, “...one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen. I can’t wrap my head around it. But you do, and I believe in that. I want to keep moving forward together, and…”

I turn my head and lock eyes with her.

“…and I accept everything that means.”

I see her swallow hard, contemplating. It takes nearly a minute before she finally gives me a response.

“I’d still be risking signing my rights away to someone else, Hisao, even if it was you. That thought terrifies me. You know that, right?”

I link the fingers of my hand with hers, and decide to take a risk.

“Well, look at it this way. If I end up not holding up my end of the deal on that, you still have your original plan. What do you have to lose?”

She gives a very heavy sigh in response.

Shit.

“Hisao…just…damn you and your logic.”

“I wish I phrased that better.”

“No, honestly…you phrased it just the way you should have, but…” she grumbles, giving a frustrated growl and rubbing her temple with her free hand. “I guess we would have to have this conversation eventually, wouldn’t we?”

“Unless we break up before tomorrow afternoon.”

“No time like the present, huh?”

“Heh. Night’s still young.”

“I have to admit, talking about it like this makes me think your parents are onto something.”

Time passes by, the sky fully darkened by night. Saki looks up to the stars, their light casting gently on her face. I’ve seen this several times before, and she always takes my breath away when I do.

“Marriage, huh,” she finally says. Her expression is a heavy one…but there’s a spark in her eye when she says it.

“Have you ever thought about it before?”

“Beyond girlish dreams, why would I? Once I found out about my ataxia, there just…wasn’t a need to, you know? I mean, who would want to marry someone that was going to die in their mid-twenties?”

“Nobody normal,” I say, which causes her to frown at me. “But we’re not normal. And that’s okay. Remember when you said that to me?”

She sighs again, conceding the point with a chuckle. “What would that even be like?”

“Probably not too much different from what we’re already doing, honestly,” I answer. We’d be living together with Chisato somewhere in Tokyo. Probably somewhere small and cozy.”

“We’d need our own bedroom. And something on the ground floor.”

“A small two bedroom then,” I muse. “Do you think Takamura and the others could help with that?”

“Well, they were going to anyway when it was just going to be me and Chisato, before everything fell apart.”

“She did say she was looking for a roommate. I don’t think she meant her and I sharing a room together.

The twinkle returns to Saki’s eyes. “She might have been. With Mitsuru leaving, you never know…”

“Ha,” I respond, but both of us feel a shift when we mention Mitsuru. Chisato and her boyfriend don’t even have the luxury of having this conversation…or maybe they did, and that’s when they figured that it wouldn’t be worth it to continue.

It’s not that much different from what the two of us are doing now, right?

“Split the rent another way. It should be even cheaper.”

“And what will you be doing?” Saki asks.

“The same thing I was planning on doing no matter where I ended up. Tokyo or back home, I’d still be looking for work and going to a prep school. I’d rather do it in Tokyo. Better job prospects, better schools, and well…better company,” I laugh.

“Smooth.”

I give her hand another squeeze. “I mean it, though. It’s one of the things that Yamaku makes me feel better about. I don’t think I’d be ready to try living on my own without it.”

“Yeah, but we have medical staff here and a hospital down the road. Nurse and the others keep a close eye on us so they can help when they need to.”

“We’ll just have to find a place near a hospital. And the three of us together should be able to overlap any big concerns when it comes to looking out for each other. Nurse was the one that made such a big deal out of the buddy program.”

Saki’s voice drops a bit. “For now, you mean.”

“...yeah. For now,” I agree.

She closes her eyes and leans against me. “And what happens when things get worse?”

I pause for a moment to calm my thoughts and my heart. I’ve had the privilege of not needing to think of our respective positions when I didn’t want to. I haven’t felt like I’ve been moving forward in quite a while, but not in a bad way - instead of feeling like I’ve been stagnant here at Yamaku, it’s more of a feeling of sanctuary where time seems to stand still.

I know it isn’t the same for Saki. Her condition has deteriorated over the last year, although not enough to notice it happening day by day. I knew that, but I don’t think I was hit with it so clearly than in seeing how this evening played out. The first week I met her and tonight both had Kayoko’s music. Saki played it with relative ease at the festival, but tonight it took everything she had, and more.

It’s going to happen eventually. There are medications and therapies that can prolong her autonomy, but she’s going to lose it piece by piece, with each being larger than the one preceding it.

I never had to truly confront that until this conversation, and I don’t think there’s anything I could have done - either by talking to my parents, Chisato, Noriko, or even having a dialogue with myself - to have prepared for it. I suppose I knew subconsciously that we would reach this point when she told me about her ataxia.

It was one thing to date. It’s another to live together in Tokyo, and something that makes me equally excited and nervous. But if I’m saying that I want to protect her from her father, to make sure she can carry out her wishes the way she chooses to…then that truly does mean I’m in it until the end.

Well, her end. Our end. Not mine.

“Look, Saki. I don’t know what you want to say. I can only say what I feel. I know it won’t be easy. I know it’s going to hurt more than anything ever has in my life when….”

“When I die, Hisao. You can say it.”

“When you die.”

“When I get to the point you’ll have to help me get out of bed and into a wheelchair, or help me do the buttons on my shirt because I won’t be able to get dressed by myself…”

“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to push you around in a wheelchair. And I’m admittedly better at unbuttoning your shirt-”

I’m cut off when she playfully slaps me on the shoulder. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Sorry. My poor attempt at humor,” I say. “I always get like this when I’m nervous.”

“Is that a defense mechanism or is it just coping?”

“It varies.”

She laughs gently before calming down again and asking another question.

“You really mean that? That you’re okay with it?”

“I am. I can’t promise I’ll be a perfect husband, or even a great one. But I can promise that I’ll respect your choices.”

Another few moments pass by, a breeze in the warm spring air causing the leaves to rustle.

“So what, we live together like we were going to until we’re both twenty, then get married?” Saki asks.

“Unless your dad or mom would be willing to give approval.”

She scoffs. “Yeah, I don’t see that happening. I can already tell that there’s no way my dad would agree to it.”

“What about your mom?”

She shakes her head. “If he says no, then so will she.”

“So we would have to wait a little over a year.”

“You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?” she asks.

“Only since the talk with Noriko. But since then, it’s been on my mind.”

“Why…why exactly did you wait before telling me you were thinking about this?”

I grimace a bit. “You were getting ready for the recital, and you were worried about Chisato.”

Saki falls silent while she contemplates this, and for a split second, I see what looks like a scowl. When she speaks again, her tone is a bit more forceful.

“I get why you did it, but that can’t happen again. If you want to do right by me then you need to tell me things like this when they come up.”

I start to open my mouth to respond, but decide against it.

“This is what I’m afraid of, Hisao. You did what you felt was best, and yeah, it worked out this time. But what happens if, a few years down the road when things are getting difficult, you decide your judgment is better than mine?”

(...continued...)

[Eurobeatjester]

This time, it’s my turn to pause while I absorb the full implications of what she said.

“If you don't think I can, or will...then say no.”

It strikes me how uniquely ironic this conversation is, given the circumstances. I never really gave the idea of marriage much thought, but a lifetime of movies, television, and reading has taught me that this isn’t the way a proposal should work. There should be heartfelt confessions of love, an expensive ring, me getting down on a knee, et cetera. This feels more transactional, as if we’re two business moguls negotiating a contract for a merger.

She might be more like her brother than I thought.

Saki’s voice cuts through my thoughts. “You haven’t actually asked me yet, you know.”

“Asked you?”

She looks down at the ground in front of her feet, blushing. “You haven’t asked me to marry you. We’ve both just been talking about it hypothetically.”

Straight to the point as always. It’s one of the reasons I love her.

My own cheeks color. “So, hypothetically, if I was proposing, what would your answer be?”

“Try it and see,” she whispers.

I don’t get down on one knee. I don’t have a ring to give her. I can’t do this the traditional way, but then again…nothing in our relationship has been traditional.

Instead, I move my free hand up to her face and gently touch her cheek. She turns to face me, and I move in to kiss her. She stiffens for a few seconds after our lips touch, but then relaxes into me.

I don’t know how long the kiss lasts. Ten seconds, a minute, ten minutes; it doesn’t matter. It lasts as long as it needs to.

When we finally break apart again, I put my forehead against hers, and stare into her eyes.

“Saki, will you marry me?”

She takes a deep breath, as if she’s trying that phrase mentally for the first time. I never thought I’d ever say it; she never thought she’d ever hear it. Her eyes close, and I can feel her brow twitching against my own as a flood of emotions wash over her.

My heart is pounding heavily in my chest. Not painfully, but definitely enough to slightly blur my vision on every beat.

“I…I need a night to think about this.”

Of all the things she could say, I never would have guessed that would be it.

I take a breath…the first real one I have since asking my question. I begin to try and dissect it, trying to find any angle that might bring me understanding. Did I read the situation wrong? Was there something else I could have said? Can I say something now? What even does she mean? What if she says no tomorrow right before we gradua-

I’m brought back to earth with her pressing her lips against mine again. The soothing effect it has on my troubled mind stops it from racing, and instead, I choose to live in this moment, however long it lasts.

When I open my eyes again, I’m gazing into hers.

“I’m sorry it’s not the answer you want. But it’s not a no.”

“Y…yeah,” I answer shakily. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“I want to say yes, Hisao…but…it’s a really big decision for me,” she whispers, her own voice wavering.

I don’t know how to respond to that…but maybe that’s the point. I don’t need to respond.

All that’s left is the decision, and it’s hers to make.

I wrap my arms around her in a tight embrace, one she returns instantly. I take in her presence, her essence, and just the experience of holding her against me.

“I love you,” she says.

“I love you too,” I reply. More than I ever imagined, deeper than I even thought possible.

My heartbeat is almost back to normal levels, and the exhaustion from this entire conversation - no, the entire day - hits me hard. The tension in my neck and shoulders starts to release, and I have to admit to myself how tired I really am. No matter how much I’m feeling it, Saki has to be feeling it several times worse.

“Let’s get some rest, Saki.”

She creates some space between us and appraises me. “You too, huh?”

“Yeah. It just hit me.”

“The adrenaline is wearing off,” she says, visibly sagging. “I didn’t think I had any left until we started talking. It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t bring this up earlier.”

I take her hands in mine, and although it’s slight, it’s unmistakable; they’re shaking. I bring them up to my mouth and kiss the knuckles.

“No second wind this time, huh?”

She shakes her head. “I ran out of those a long time ago.”

I laugh and stand up, reaching a hand down to help her up. When she takes it, she rises a bit unsteadily to her feet before finding her balance.

“Should be a short walk back to the dorms, if you’re up for it.”

“Let’s end the night the way we were planning to.”

“I uh…don’t recall what we had planned…”

“Okay, let me rephrase. Hoping how the night would end,” she says, her eyes giving a mischievous, knowing twinkle.

“You think either of us has the energy?”

“It’s our last night at Yamaku, Hisao. I don’t know when we’re going to be able to have time like this again…”

I hesitate slightly as my face grows a bit hot. “But…what about-”

Having anticipated this, she turns back towards me and hushes me with a finger on my lips. “Don’t. Tomorrow. I promise. It’s been a perfect night. Let’s end it that way.”

“Okay.”

It takes about ten minutes to slowly make our way back to the courtyard in front of the dormitories. Rin’s mural still adorns the low brick wall, its colors bright and loud even in the evening light. I hold open the door for her, and repeat the same gesture when we finally make it to my room.

“I swear, I’m never wearing anything with a raised heel again. These things hurt!” she says, sitting on the end of my bed and reaching down to unclasp the leather strapping of her shoes. She finally succeeds, flopping onto her back and spreading her arms. She gives a satisfying sigh, sinking into the comforter as her hair fans out around her.

Loosening the knot on my tie, I pull it up over my head and hang it on the back of my desk chair. Almost all of my things are packed except for a change of clothes for the graduation tomorrow. I’ve even put my medications away - all that’s left is the plastic holder that stores a week’s worth of them, and only with a few more days worth of pills in it. Saki’s bag is sitting on the desk itself, with everything she’s going to need.

“Get my zipper?” Saki asks me, rolling over onto her stomach to give me access to her back, playfully kicking her legs. I reach down and slowly pull down on the slide, letting the teeth part. She squeals in delight as I brush her hair to the side, leaning down to kiss the newly exposed skin.

“Ah! No fair! Let me get this thing off first! I am not ruining it!”

She squirms under me and manages to get her shoulders free, pushing the top of the dress down. I hold the bottom hem as she scoots up towards the head of the bed, managing to finally slink her way out of the red fabric…until all I’m left with is Saki, completely naked except for a pair of red panties, lying breathless on my bed.

She’s so beautiful it makes my heart ache.

“Get over here,” she whispers, her voice low and husky.

“Give me a minute to get my own clothes off!”

“Nope! Come here,” she says, a bit more insistent. She twists around and reaches for the light on my desk at the foot of the bed, turning it off and plunging us into the near total darkness of the room. A few seconds pass as my eyes adjust, the small amount of light bleeding through the window blinds leaving just enough to make out her form.

She reaches out and grabs the front of my shirt, pulling me down onto the bed with her. I laugh as my lips find hers for a quick kiss. We’ve become so practiced at this, we could do it without any light at all.

“You’re not the only one good at taking someone else’s clothes off,” she says.

Sure enough, she soon has me stripped down to a similar state.

We take our time with each other, enjoying the ending of an incredible day and night. We make love slowly, our hands tracing over every inch of each other’s bodies and etching them into our memories. Despite her earlier protestations, she indeed gets a second wind…then a third.

The frantic mood from the other night is gone, replaced with a longing instead of lust that joyfully drains the last of our strength and emotions…leaving us curled against each other an hour later.

Right before sleep claims me, I look down and see her hand gently resting on my chest, her fingers splayed over my scar. I turn my head to bury my nose in her hair, the mixture of shampoo and hairspray and sweat completely putting my mind at ease…

…except for the glaringly obvious.

I’m scared as to how she’s going to answer my question, but…I have cautious optimism.

I cover her hand with mine, and close my eyes.

I’ve done everything I can do, and now…all that’s left is faith.

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[AlexFDSR]

Welcome back, Euro! Congratulations on your engagement, here's to many happy years!

[guthrum06]

It's great to see you back! Your work is as amazing as ever.

Congrats on your engagement and the (hopefully?) pending engagement of Saki and Hisao.

[Blackmambauk]

As others have said, it's truly great to see you back and congrats again for your engagement.

Can't believe it's truly been ten years since the we all began our journey with Learning to Fly, its been a constant source of fulfilment for yourself, me and everyone who has followed, read and commented on it over the last decade.

Through the good, bad time and middling times, it has been here through entertaining us with all the quips, character bantering and levity that always made each chapter enjoyable.

Through the drama felt and is so authentic to many of us, have said it before and i will say it again the way you tackle themes like suicide, and disability are truly the most authentic I have read in fiction. I think they exceed the VN's routes that tackled them so well as well because of how brilliantly you capture the feelings, the sense of agency and more that it can and does give someone and they consider it.

and you haven't missed a beat here with how you have had the rom-com talk with Hisao and Saki, both chatting about her decision on wanting to end her life when her condition worsens, that neutralizes her father's sense of power and control over her agency as a whole.

But also dealing directly with the question on how she deals with Hisao having it, how she feels about it, marrying him and more.

Along with showing Hisao coming full circle with his development across the fic, how he confronted his cycle he was in at the start, how despite not wanting to come to Yamaku, that his parents took his agency from him in that, that he did make the choices he did, by confronting his status, but not staying in that circle, breaking it thanks to taking in what Saki, Chisato said to him etc.

Of having taken up swimming, gotten into a relationship with Saki, developed friendships with Chisato and Noriko, rebuilt bridges with his former friends and of course with Iwanako, finally putting to bed the incident that brought him to Yamaku in the first place and exposed him to his own mortality.

You have handled everything so well and here, again you nailed it with their chats, showing their vulnerability and ending it with them embracing and enjoying one last time at Yamaku before they begin the next stage of their life, relationship and more.

It's been quite the road to get to this point, you yourself have dealt with so much along the way, and have kept going through it all like Hisao and Saki.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

thank you again for everything you have done and will do with the epilogue.

Learning to Fly is forever one of my favourite works of fiction and an inspiration on many levels in writing, themes, characterization, humor and on life itself and the complexity of it all.

Love Blackmambauk

[hdkv]

I have no such words to tell you how happy I am. Congratulations on your engagement and turning things for the better.

When I've read Learning to Fly last August, it actually put me in a strange mood. I felt sorry for Saki and Hisao not being able to enjoy full and long life together, but most of all I felt guilt. I felt that I have no right to be sad, because I have way better cards to play IRL, and if I even frustrated with anything, it's my own fault. I admit that's not the healthiest notion to think about.

But, after some time, I figured out, that the main point of the story for me is about taking control over yourself and not willing to go with the flow, when you don't like it. It gave me some strenght to pull me out of my own laziness towards my own life decisions.

I started and participated in many things this autumn (and I will continue to do so). I've got willpower to change my reality to the better (and this will involve some drastic changes in my life next year, including move to the capital city and return to some of the old hobbies that I gave up long ago). I don't think I've done any of this if I haven't read and experienced LtF.

And I'm really happy that one day I will see the (possibly bittersweet) ending of this story.

Thank you.

[StealthyWolf]

Glad to see you're doing well Euro, and huge congrats on the engagement!

This was meant to be a shorter comment to be a sort of hold-over for my eventual full re-read and comment then, but oh well. I guess this'll make that "full" comment just a tad shorter. Probably.

There's... a lot of ways I've been debating starting this comment. A lot of things I want to say - or more accurately, express. I think I want to start by saying that this chapter was amazing, start to finish. It's amazing how time and time again some of the best parts of media I've consumed come down to a chapter, a scene, an episode where it is just people talking. Nothing more, nothing less. Just words. They carry a lot of weight, and can be either the most cumbersome things in our lives, or the most freeing. Worse than that, they can be confusing and complicated beasts. This is why an these types of scene can be the most prominent if done well, and in writing achieving such a feat in writing is that much harder because it winds up being one of the easiest types of scenes to rely on - yet even then you've joined the ranks of memorable, top tier "just talking" media. At least for me. Quite frankly there's a chance there's more than one of those in this story, though I'll know better once I get to my re-read of the full thing. Seeing Hisao and Saki slowly untangle this complicated, weighty topic piece by piece was a journey and a pleasure to read.

It's strange to think back a few years ago and the mindset I had back then on fanfictions. I don't think I ever gave them as much credit for what they could be, though I partially blame that on the fandoms I had "been a part of" (I just liked the media) at that point. To me, fanfictions were just a way to further indulge in that piece of media. The mindset was "it's just like fanart, but with words." In retrospect this was always a half-baked, barely thought out examination of them, and not just of fanfiction. Saying fanfiction as a whole is just "indulgence" of the media is like saying all fanart is made the same as well. Ultimately there will be people who just make things to make things. Drawing for the sake of drawing. Writing for the sake of writing. But clearly not all pieces are made equal, and, well, ultimately fanfiction is just another medium no less valuable than original works. I bring this up because it was a combination of this story and Sisterhood that made me realize this last year.

You mentioned coming up on your ten year anniversary. Well, a little over a week ago was my one year for playing the game for the first time. In just over one month it'll be one year for me starting my own fic, and a couple months after that for posting the first scene. I don't think I'd be where I am today if it weren't for everything that happened back then. And I don't think it would've been the same had I not decided to give fanfiction a real shot and read Sisterhood and Learning to Fly. On December 13th last year I had caught up to the previous chapter and wrote this in a journal I was keeping at the time: "I want to be better. I want to change. I guess I should start here and now. I’m going to start trying to write a KS fanfic." It was a part of a much longer rant and built up after a series of things that maybe I'll someday touch on in the forums, but the relevant point here and now is that you and your story helped inspire me to change and I couldn't be more grateful to everything and everyone that played a part in that, so thank you, Euro.

It's been a wild ride, but I'm happy to see it get the conclusion it deserves and am excited to see the final chapter(s) of this story. And more than that, I'm happy to see things are going well for you.

[Map217]

Glad you're still at it EBJ!

And seriously congrats on your engagement. I wish the best for both you and your fiancée.

This was such a great chapter and I enjoyed every moment of it. I don't have too much to say aside from that nor enough time to write out much more. But, I do just want to say that I'm looking forward to the conclusion and can't wait to see how you finish this story.

Thanks for your wonderful writing and I hope everyone here has a good day!

[Titus]

Oh what! How am I so late for this?! So glad to see you back, EBJ! I was checking periodically but I guess I got lax this time

Congratulations on your engagement !!! Congratulations on moving forward and upwards in life in general !!! I hope 2023 will continue to be amazing for you and for all of us! I will definitely write more once I get to finishing the latest epic installment