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Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2023 4:29 pm
by Lap

Thanks, as always, to Feurox, for reading and suggestions and making me think about what I'm writing. What you're about to read is a much better story thanks to him.
Thanks to Naryzhud (NoticeMeOppai) for additional proofreading and feedback.
Thanks to Zee McZed for still more proofreading, and for introducing me to Katawa Shoujo lo those many years ago. Look what you started!



Consequences of Comfort



Misha didn’t realize anything was physically amiss until the night she threw up at dinner.

Psychologically, a lot of things were amiss. Shizune and Hisao, who had been her best friends up until recently, were like strangers to her. She barely spoke with either of them, except as demanded by the needs of in-class work. Sometimes while interpreting for Shizune she would get lost in the flow of conveying the teacher’s words, and forget that they weren’t on speaking terms any more. She’d smile at Shizune, who wouldn’t smile back, and her heart would break all over again.

Dinner was a quiet affair, as it had been for the past couple months. Nothing looked appetizing, so she’d just taken the first thing the cafeteria workers offered. The smell was worse than unappetizing, mildly repellant, but she forced herself to eat anyway. She’d skipped breakfast and lunch, in her desire to avoid being around other people, and she knew she needed to eat something.

She shoveled food into her mouth mechanically, trying not to taste it, and so she didn’t notice at first that her stomach was protesting the intrusion. She had finished a third of her meal before she realized that she was feeling flushed, and her mouth was watering excessively. Her stomach convulsed once, twice, then everything she’d just eaten came back up, filling her plate and tray in a disgusting stew.

“Yo, Misha, you all right?” Misha looked up from wiping her mouth, face flaming with embarrassment. Miki and Suzu stood next to her, looking concerned. Misha tried to ignore all the other staring faces around her and tried to smile back at them, but a sudden spasm of her stomach made her double over, struggling to keep the rest of her meal inside.

“Shit,” Miki said, and she hastily set her tray down on the table. She rubbed Misha’s back with her hand. “Hang in there, we’ll get you a nurse. Suzu?”

“On it,” Suzu replied, and walked off.

“I don’t need a nurse,” Misha protested weakly, embarrassed at the mess she’d made, and at being the unwelcome center of attention.

Miki snorted. “Well, you need something. Mouthwash, at the very least.”

Reminded, Misha suddenly became aware of just how wretched her mouth tasted, and how her throat burned from the bile in the vomit. As if it had been waiting for the attention, her stomach spasmed again, but this time, thankfully, nothing came up. She wanted to protest the involvement of a nurse, but given that Suzu had already left, it was probably unavoidable by now. She took her napkin from her lap and draped it over the spew on her tray, hiding the unappetizing mess from others. She took a cautious sip of her water, then stared at the floor as Miki continued to awkwardly rub her back. She didn’t look up to see if others were staring at her, although she was sure they were.

They only had to wait a couple of minutes before Suzu returned with the night-duty nurse, Nurse Ota, trailing behind her. Deciding that going along with her was easier than fighting and making a scene, Misha allowed herself to be escorted back to the nurses’ office. She muttered vague apologies and thanks to Miki and Suzu as she went. “No prob, you just feel better, all right?” Miki replied.

Nurse Ota settled her into a bed in the infirmary, gave her a small cup of water, and a warm washcloth to wipe her face and dab at the specks of vomit on her blouse. She checked Misha’s temperature, pulse, and blood pressure, then pulled out a clipboard full of questions.

“Have you been feeling ill today?” Nurse Ota asked.

Misha shook her head. She’d been unhappy and miserable, but not sick.

“Did you eat anything unusual for lunch?”

”No, just the usual,” she lied. She felt like the nurse wouldn’t approve of her skipping meals.

“Have you been sleeping all right?”

“Yes, fine.” If anything, she’d been sleeping to excess, avoiding her life.

“Have you thrown up recently?”

“No.”

“When was your last period?”

“It was…” Misha froze, thinking. It should have been three weeks ago. How had she missed that? Not that she hadn’t had a lot on her mind recently. “Three weeks ago,” she lied again.

Oh. A missed period, and nausea. She shut her eyes and shuddered. Oh, Misha Misha Misha, you’ve gone and done it now… she moaned to herself.

Ota ran down a handful of other routine questions, which Misha answered on autopilot.

“Given that you don’t have a fever, I don’t think it’s a flu, but it might be best if you spent the night here just in case.”

“Do I have to?” Misha asked. “I’m feeling much~ better.” Well, physically, anyway. Her mind was a jumble of static and terror. She wanted to return to her room and hide. Forever.

Ota regarded her for a moment, then nodded. “If you really feel up to it.”

Misha smiled her patented bright and cheery smile. “I’m fine. I’m sorry to have troubled you~! It was probably just something I ate.”

“Hmm. If we get any other cases of vomiting, I’ll check with the cafeteria, but yours is the only case so far.”

“Okay!” Misha endured a few more comments and suggestions from Nurse Ota, not really hearing anything, just nodding automatically. She fled the office as soon as she could, and headed back to her room. She did her best not to think of anything on the walk, afraid that if she stopped to think, she’d just drop where she was and curl up into a ball.

I can't be pregnant, she thought to herself miserably. I can’t be pregnant, Shicchan would never forgive me. It probably was just something I ate. Being late is just coincidental. I’ve never been this late before but it happens sometimes doesn't it? I think I heard that stress can make you late, so maybe that's it. Heaven knows my life has been stressful enough lately.

Her rationalizations gave her a slightly lighter heart as she headed into the dorm. She paused outside of the Shizune’s door and stared at it for a long moment. Then she sighed and continued on down the hallway to her own room.

I’m just late because of stress, she told herself again. That’s all. She refused to allow herself to consider any other possibility. She pulled out her textbooks and proceeded to bury herself in homework to keep herself from thinking.



While showering before class the next morning she discovered that the artificial strawberry scent of her hair conditioner revolted her. Has it always smelled so sickly sweet? Breathing through her mouth to escape the smell, she didn’t let the conditioner sit in her hair as long as she normally would have, rinsing it out almost immediately. I guess it’s a good thing my hair is shorter now, so I don’t need as much conditioner.

Once she was done in the shower, she stood at the sink to brush her teeth. For some reason, the strawberry flavored toothpaste didn’t bother her, which she supposed she should be grateful for. She rinsed and spat, then began to desultorily brush out her hair. She grimaced as she noticed that her roots were becoming evident, hints of brown at the base of the pink.

“Hey, Misha, you feeling better this morning?”

Misha looked in the mirror to see Suzu standing behind her, looking sleepily concerned. She was still in her nightshirt, looking like she was just about to start her morning routine. Misha took a deep breath and pasted her smile on her face. “Hey, Su-chan! Thank you for your help last night~! I’m fine, really.” She continued brushing out her hair, hoping that Suzu would accept that and leave her alone.

“You sure you don’t need to take the morning off?” Suzu asked.

“I’m sure. I’m allll better this morning~!” She shoved her brush back into her toiletries case, and turned to face Suzu directly.

Suzu looked dubious for a moment, her sleepy eyes narrowing in thought, but then she shrugged. “Well, good. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Miki and I were worried about you.”

Misha was touched by that concern. “Thanks~! I’m fine. It was just…just stress, I think.” She immediately regretted saying that, and wondered why she hadn’t blamed it on food poisoning.

Suzu looked surprised, then sympathetic. “Yeah. I get that. Things have been a little…rocky for you lately, haven’t they?”

Misha was momentarily surprised that Suzu had noticed. But then again, sitting in front of Shizune, she probably couldn’t miss it. Even if she did sleep through most of it. She smiled. “I’ll be okay~!” she assured Suzu.

Suzu gnawed her lower lip for a moment, regarding Misha, then she nodded and turned toward the showers. “Okay. See you in class.”

“Bye~!”

Breakfast proved to be a challenging soup of annoying smells, but she managed to choke down an innocuous piece of bread and plain, unflavored milk for sustenance. Walking into class, she ignored Shizune as she settled into her desk, and was grateful that Hisao had taken to slipping into class at the last possible minute ever since his break-up with Shizune.

Unfortunately, Shizune wasn’t ignoring her. She tapped Misha on the shoulder, and Misha reluctantly looked up at her former best friend. She almost reflexively smiled, but she stomped that down just in time. She’s so beautiful… Misha thought wistfully.

[Are you all right?] Shizune signed.

Misha gave her a confused look. Why is she worrying about me?

[I heard that you threw up in the cafeteria last night.]

Misha suppressed a grimace. The rumor mill must have been working overtime last night, if word of that had broken through the wall of silence surrounding Shizune. [I’m fine,] Misha replied shortly, hoping Shizune wouldn’t pursue the matter.

Shizune frowned. [Is it a flu? Should you be in class?] She reached out as if to lay her hand on Misha’s forehead to check her temperature, but Misha flinched away from the contact and Shizune dropped her hand.

Misha shook her head. [No, there’s no fever. I think it was just something I ate.] She tried to smile reassuringly at Shizune. [I’m fine now,] she said, hoping that repeatedly saying it might make it so.

Her smile must not have been as convincing as she’d hoped, because Shizune continued to look concerned. [If there’s anything I can do…]

Misha wanted to scream. Now? Now you want to help? She kept the scream locked behind her smile. [Thank you. I don’t need anything.]

Misha was fairly sure that she imagined the flicker of disappointment that passed across Shizune’s face at that, but then her face went cool and distant again. [Very well.] She turned back to her desk and began pulling out her textbook and notes for the first class of the day.



Misha managed to maintain her denial for another two weeks. That makes it two missed periods, now, she finally admitted to herself. Nausea of a different sort roiled her stomach at the thought. But I need to be sure. She didn’t want to go to Nurse with her suspicions—she was reasonably sure that the nursing staff would have to tell her parents such monumental news. So she headed out one afternoon after classes ended to buy a pregnancy test.

She didn’t want to buy it at the local drug store, where she might be seen by someone who knew her, so she rode the bus downtown into Sendai proper. Despite being far from school, she looked around herself nervously the whole time she was in the store, and piled a lot of other supplies into her shopping basket as camouflage. At least I can get some less stinky hair conditioner while I’m at it.

The checkout clerk didn’t even blink as she scanned the pregnancy test amidst all the other items Misha bought. The downside of having purchased so much stuff as camouflage was she then had to haul it all back to school. Her arms were aching by the time she got back, and she dropped the bags inside the door to her room and collapsed on her bed.

I don’t really need to do this, do I? she thought mournfully to herself. But she knew she did—if she didn’t do the test, didn’t know for absolute certain, she’d still keep trying to find ways to avoid thinking about things. She sighed, sat up, and dug the test kit out of the bag. She stared at the box for a moment before tearing it open and pulling out the instruction sheet. Yuck. I have to pee in a cup? She grimaced and looked at the tiny collection cup provided in the kit. I should wait to do this when no one else is around. It's going to sound strange if anybody else hears me peeing into a cup.

That rationalization allowed her to put things off until dinner time. While most everyone else was out of the dorm at dinner, she went to the bathroom and locked herself into a toilet stall. After peeing into the cup she dipped the test strip into her urine and looked at her watch. Ten minutes. Two pink lines will show up in ten minutes, or not at all.

Please don’t change…

It was less than five minutes before the test strip showed two dark pink lines. She stared numbly at the result, then tore open another test strip and repeated the process. Which also showed positive. I guess that’s why they include two tests in the box, she thought distractedly. For girls who want to be sure.

I’m pregnant.

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t expected that result; deep down, she knew it was the most likely explanation for her symptoms. But still, having concrete proof hit her like a punch to the gut. She doubled over, still sitting on the toilet seat, and started to cry.

“Everything okay in there?” asked a voice outside the stall.

Misha jumped, and sat up quickly, stifling her sobs. “I’m f-f-fine.”

“That didn’t sound fine.” Misha recognized the voice as Miki’s.

“It’s just…” she floundered for an excuse. “Just some really bad cramps.”

“Aw, that sucks ass,” Miki commiserated. “You need me to get you some painkillers or something?”

“No. Thank you. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“’K.”

Misha heard Miki go into another stall, and stopped listening. She looked back at the two pregnancy tests sitting on top of the toilet paper dispenser. Still positive. She bundled everything back up in the shopping bag she’d brought them in, and exited the stall. Before washing her hands, she stuffed the bag into the trashcan, shoving it under other garbage to hide it.

Miki came back out as she was washing her hands. “You sure you don’t need any painkillers? I got some good stuff,” she offered as she started to wash her hand.

Misha smiled. “Thank you~! No, I’ve got what I need.”

“Hang in there. It’ll only last a few days, eh?”

Misha nodded. I wish. She fled the bathroom before her mask could crack, not wanting Miki to see her fear.

Once back in her room, she gave in to her terror, and curled up on her bed. She waited for tears to return, but none were forthcoming—she was too terrified for such simple displays of emotion.

I’m pregnant. She’d low-key suspected—dreaded—as much for weeks now, but having proof was difficult to deal with. I don’t even like boys that way, but the one single time I have sex with one… She shuddered, and wished she could turn back the clock, go back to the way things had been before. Back when Shiichan was still her friend. She wanted desperately to talk with Shiichan, to get her advice about what to do next, but that was impossible. Not only were they not talking these days, she was pregnant with Shizune’s ex-boyfriend’s baby. There’s no way she’d ever forgive me for that.

Misha played events over and over again in her mind, wondering how she’d ever messed things up so badly. If only I hadn’t gone to Hisao that evening. What had I been thinking?

She hadn’t been thinking, she knew; not really. She’d been working on pure emotion, bleak and sad and despairing, and struggling to reach out and connect in some way, any way, with one of her few friends. I certainly picked the worst possible way to connect…

She tried to calm herself, think of her options. I could get an abortion. But she was pretty sure she couldn’t do that without her parents’ permission—she wasn’t twenty yet, still legally a child. The thought of going to her parents with this news was only slightly less terrifying than being pregnant.

But could I go through with an abortion, really? She rested a hand on her belly. She’d always wanted to be a mommy someday; being gay hadn’t changed that desire. As she got older, and more aware of the biological necessities, she’d just assumed that someday she’d find a sperm donor somehow. But I’d also figured I’d be a working adult. And maybe even have a girlfriend to help me. She sighed wistfully at the thought of having a girlfriend. It certainly won’t be Shiichan… That persistent fantasy was finally, truly, dead, destroyed by the baby in her belly.

It’s my baby. Mine alone. Not Hisao’s, not her parents’, not her hypothetical-someday-girlfriend’s or Shizune’s; it was all hers. She rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling above her bed, resolve filling her. I can’t kill an innocent baby, whose only sin was having an idiot like me for a mother. She tried to imagine herself holding a newborn. Raising a child. It was an intimidating responsibility, and yet, it was also appealing. I might never get another chance. She certainly never wanted to have another penis inside her ever again. She grimaced and clenched her thighs tight at the visceral memory of the sensation of Hisao moving inside her.

I don’t know how I’ll do this…but I’ll do it. Somehow. Other women have managed kids alone before me; I can do it too. It wasn’t a completely reassuring resolution, but it was enough to quell the panic that threatened to overwhelm her. I can do this, she repeated, trying to convince herself.

She wished she didn’t have to do it alone. She wished someone could tell her what to do. But she couldn’t talk to Nurse, couldn’t talk to Shizune. She briefly considered telling Hisao, then discarded the notion. He’s so…earnest. If I won’t have an abortion, he’ll want to marry me, to “make it right,” and I could never do that. The thought of being trapped in marriage, forever tied to someone she didn’t love, was even more off-putting than the thought of single motherhood.

For now…I’ll just keep moving forward.



Misha’s head felt thick and full of wool when her alarm went off the next morning. For a moment she wondered why she felt so terrible, then she remembered. I’m pregnant. She rolled over on her bed and stared bleakly at her desk. The framed photograph of herself, Lilly, and Shizune caught her eye, and she shuddered. I’m so sorry, Shicchan. She closed her eyes against incipient tears, and contemplated going back to sleep, to try and escape her life.

There’s no escaping this. It was no longer just her life, she reminded herself. I need to eat well, to take care of myself. Take care of the baby. She groaned and sat up. Move, she ordered herself. After a long reluctant moment, she did so, pulling on her bathrobe. She gathered up her toiletries and headed to the bathroom.

After she’d washed and brushed her teeth, she headed back to her room and slipped out of her bathrobe. She looked down at her naked body and ran a hand over her belly. I’m pregnant. It was still scary just to think that phrase. She grimaced and put on her bra. It felt tight, and she realized it had been feeling that way for a few days now. She sighed, and fastened the bra on its loosest hooks. I wonder when I’ll need to get new clothes? Her belly wasn’t noticeably different yet, though given how little she’d been eating lately, it could be that her belly fat was disappearing in pace with her swelling womb, keeping her at about the same size.

I need to know more, she realized. She only had an older sister, and so hadn’t lived through her mother’s other pregnancy. There’s so much I don’t know.

She finished getting dressed, then stared at her class notes and textbooks on her desk. I didn’t finish all of my homework last night. In the face of her other worries, that felt remarkably trivial.

No. I need to keep moving forward. Graduate. It’s the only way to get a good job. For…

For the baby.

Gritting her teeth, she shoved her books and notes into her book bag and headed out to face the day.



Misha was surprised to find that there were, in fact, several volumes on pregnancy and childbirth in the medical section of the library. And they all looked well read. I guess I’m not the first girl to make a mistake, she thought glumly. She grabbed a light novel to put on top of the stack and hide the covers, and took a few books to a table in the farthest corner of the library. The first volume proved to be more technical and clinical in nature, not so useful for her, but the second one was obviously written for mothers-to-be, broken into ten chapters, one per month of pregnancy plus the first month of life after birth. She placed her book bag in front of her on the table to prop up the book and hide its cover, and began to read.

Nausea…I know about that…overly sensitive to smells, yeah…constipation? Heartburn? Hemorrhoids? Cracked nipples? She grimaced as she discovered more and more of what she had to look forward to. Not everyone experiences all of these symptoms, she tried to reassure herself. She kept looking around nervously as she read, but no one was paying her, or her reading material, any attention. She pulled out her math notebook and flipped to the back to jot down a few notes as she read. Morning sickness shouldn’t last too much longer, thank goodness…the baby bump becomes noticeable at three to four months…baby starts kicking around five months…what are Braxton Hicks contractions?

She sighed and rubbed her eyes. There’s just so much I don’t know…

“Misha?”

Yuuko’s voice jerked Misha out of her weariness with a jolt of adrenaline. She looked up at the librarian, who was standing in front of her with an armload of books. “Yuuko! Hi~! What’s up?” she burbled, trying to hide her panic.

Yuuko gave her a nervous smile. “Are you okay? You’re sighing an awful lot.”

Misha smiled. “I’m just trying to keep up with my homework~! The end of the term is coming up waaay too fast!” She casually slid her notebook over the open book, hoping that Yuuko hadn’t noticed what she was reading. A quick glance reassured her that the novel was still sitting on top of the other books she’d gathered, spines not facing Yuuko.

“It always does,” Yuuko said sympathetically. “Are you applying to many universities?”

She had been planning to, before this…unexpected development. But now? Could she do university with a baby in tow? “A few,” she said evasively.

“Well, we’ve got literature for all the major universities, and a lot of the smaller ones, too. Let me know if I can help you with anything.”

Misha felt like her smile was going to crack, but she kept it going. I wish you could help me, she thought forlornly. “Thank you~!”

Yuuko nodded and turned away to reshelve the books in her arms. Misha blew out a covert sigh of relief, and double-checked that none of the incriminating book titles had been visible from where Yuuko had been standing. Safe.

She read for another hour or so before she began to feel overwhelmed. I don’t have to learn this all at once. She covertly returned the books to their places on the shelf, and headed downstairs for dinner. I need to eat, for the baby, even if I don’t feel like it. Between her intermittent nausea and her general lack of appetite it had been a few days since she’d had a full meal. She was grimly determined to do her best to eat at least half of tonight’s meal.



Misha kept to her promise to herself and kept moving forward, one day at a time. She went to classes, she slept, she ate three meals a day. That last was helped when the morning sickness faded, becoming just an occasional lurch of her stomach. Her sweet tooth, long her nemesis in her struggle with her weight, disappeared, and instead she found herself frequently going into town to the Dragon Eats restaurant for hot-and-sour soup. She’d never particularly liked hot-and-sour soup before, but now she found herself craving it, sometimes at odd hours of the night.

Class continued in the same manner it had for the past few months, with her only communicating with Shizune while interpreting for her. Although she still occasionally caught herself gazing at Shizune with admiration or longing, she found it easier to keep her emotional distance from her, the baby providing a natural barrier in her mind.

She kept herself from thinking about long-term implications of the pregnancy by doggedly focusing on the day-to-day aspects of her life. Final exams at the end of December and cramming for the upcoming Center Tests certainly helped distract her from her woes.

But then exams were over, and she had to return home for the holidays. The train ride from Yamaku to home was almost six hours, and she slept almost the whole way. The exhaustion from exams overcame her growing fear at the possibility of her parents discovering she was pregnant.

Misha paid the cab driver, then lugged her suitcases up the front steps to the house. Mama smiled at her as she opened the front door. “Welcome home, Misha!” She didn’t even wait for Misha to put down the suitcase before wrapping her in a hug, leaving Misha in the awkward position of wanting to hug her back, but not wanting to drop a suitcase on their toes. Eventually, her mother released her and stepped back, and Misha put down the case and unzipped her winter coat.

“Hi, Mama,” Misha said, trying to smile for her mother’s sake. She felt like she’d gotten pretty good at smiling convincingly while at Yamaku, so she thought her mother bought it. Her smile didn’t change, anyway. Her hands free, Misha returned the hug. It wasn’t until she had her mother in her arms that she realized just how much she’d needed a hug. She tried not to squeeze too tightly or hold on too long.

Breaking apart from this second embrace, her mother left her hands on Misha’s shoulders and looked her up and down, smiling. “You’re looking good, dear. I like the new haircut. Though I think you might have put on a little weight.” She reached down with one hand and playfully patted Misha’s stomach, then froze. Her hand remained on Misha’s stomach, which wasn’t soft and squishy like it used to be, but hard and round. “Misha…?” she whispered, her eyes going wide.

Misha twisted out of her mother’s embrace and turned to pull the second suitcase into the house before closing the front door. “Yes, they fed us well at Yamaku~!” she agreed cheerily as she took off her coat and boots, not looking at her mother. “Though I really missed your home cooking.” She looked around the living room, desperate to look anywhere but at Mama. “Oh, did you get a new TV?”

“Misha?” Mama asked again, a world of questions in that one word.

Misha picked up the suitcase she’d just put down, and headed down the hall to her old room, still not looking at her mother. “I’d better get my stuff put away.” She almost ran to her room, despite the almost twenty kilos of luggage in her arms.

Misha set the suitcase down next to her bed and looked around. The room was depressingly the same, looking like it had been decorated by a twelve-year-old with more enthusiasm and love of pink than good taste. Which was only appropriate, since that was the case. She still needed to go back and get the second suitcase, but that would mean going out to see Mama again. Something she wasn’t really ready for.

Her dithering was interrupted by her mother bringing her the second suitcase herself, short-circuiting both problems at once. “Here you go,” she said, setting it just inside the door, under a poster of Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus.

“Thank you, Mama,” Misha said with a smile. Though this one was apparently less convincing than the last one, because her mother didn’t smile back. “I’d better get unpacked.”

Mama didn’t take the hint. “Misha. Are you…is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Misha pretended to think about it for a moment. “Well, I’d love~ to have tonkatsu cutlets for dinner. The cafeteria just didn’t make it right~. Not like yours.” Though, truthfully, she didn’t think she could’ve eaten anything just then to save her life.

Mama gave her a brief smile of appreciation for the compliment, but she wasn’t deterred. “Misha…” She stared at her daughter, biting her lip, looking like she didn’t know how to proceed.

Misha stared at her, her fake smile slowly cracking, then she closed her eyes. Nerves made her stomach roil, and for a horrified moment she was afraid she might throw up, something she hadn’t done in weeks. She clamped her jaw tight, and dropped down onto the edge of the bed. She buried her face in her hands, and fought back the sudden tears that threatened to overwhelm her. She was afraid that if she started crying, she might not stop.

Misha heard her mother walk across the room, then felt the bed shift as she sat down beside her. She put an arm across Misha’s shoulders, and Misha released a shuddering gasp as she leaned into the warm maternal embrace. She wrapped her arms around her mother’s waist, the feel and scent of her providing unexpected nostalgic comfort. “Oh, Mama,” Misha moaned. “I…I’m…” She shook her head, not wanting to put her woes into words. Not wanting to make them real.

“Shh, shh, dear heart,” Mama murmured. “It’s all right.”

“No,” Misha mumbled into her shoulder. “It’s not. Not really.” She took a deep breath to steel herself, then whispered, “Mama? I’m…pregnant.”

“Ah.” Just one sound, nothing more, neither surprised nor angry nor sad. Misha waited for a long moment for her to say something more, but her mother remained silent. The storm of disapproval, disappointment, or disgust that she’d been fearing didn’t seem to be forthcoming. Just, “Ah.”

“Mama?” Misha ask hesitantly, afraid.

Her mother let out a slow breath, then chuckled briefly. Misha wondered what she could possibly find funny about the situation. “What?”

“I was unhappy when you told us you were a lesbian, but I must admit I had at least taken some comfort in the knowledge that another girl couldn’t get you pregnant.”

Misha winced at that. “This…wasn’t a girl.”

At that her mother actually laughed. “I know, dear.”

Well, yes, of course. Misha felt embarrassed for having said something so patently obvious and stupid.

“So…you’ve changed your mind about boys?”

Misha sighed. “No. I’m still a lesbian.”

Her mother tensed up. “Then was it…” She paused, and swallowed. “Was it…your choice?” Her voice quavered a little, sounding fearful.

“Huh?”

“You weren’t…molested, were you? You chose to, ah, with a boy?”

“Oh!” Misha blushed as she realized her mother was wondering if she’d been raped. “No, it was my own stupid mistake.” She fought back the tears that came easier than usual these days. “Stupid stupid stupid Misha,” she whispered. “I don’t even know why I…did what I did.” That wasn’t totally true, but she didn’t feel ready to go into those issues with her mother.

“Does he know? About you being…?”

Misha shook her head.

“Why not? Shouldn’t he take responsibility for this…child? For you?”

Misha twitched. That was the first time anyone had said “child” out loud about her situation. She bleakly considered her last couple of months at Yamaku, how she and Shizune and Hisao had all drifted apart. Slowly changing from the dynamic Student Council Trio into three strangers. “I don’t think he likes me very much any more,” Misha said softly.

“Did he like you when he got you pregnant?”

“Yes…?” she said hesitantly. At least, she’d thought he’d liked her then. She still wondered why he’d cheated on Shizune with her.

Why did I cheat on Shizune with him?

“Then shouldn’t he know?”

Misha shook her head. “No. This was…is…my mistake. I…pushed myself on him. He shouldn’t have to live with my stupidity.” Though he already was; she was certain that at least part of the reason Shizune had broken up with him was because of what she and Hisao had done.

“You…pushed yourself?” Mama sounded confused. “If you don’t like boys, then why would you…?”

Misha buried her head tighter against her mother’s shoulder, not wanting to look her in the eyes just now. “Can we talk about that later?” she asked. Like, maybe in a thousand years? “I’m…tired.”

“Hmm. Very well,” her mother said, in a tone of voice that implied she wasn’t going to let this slide too long. “I do have two questions, though.”

Misha sighed. “Yes?”

“What’s your due date?”

At least that one was easy. “Mid-July.”

“Okay, that gives us some time. And secondly, what do we tell your father?”

Misha’s stomach churned again at that question.



Misha waited until after dinner to break the news to her father. While her mother cleared away the dishes, she faced him across the table and told him.

He was not a terribly demonstrative man even at the best of times, but when she was done talking, his face went even more stony than usual. He stared flatly at Misha, and she squirmed under his regard.

“You’re pregnant.”

“Yes, Papa,” she whispered.

He stared at her for an ominously long moment, the only motion the muscles of his jaw jumping as he clenched his teeth. “First you told us you were a dyke, and now you’re knocked up?” Misha flinched. “The only reason I didn’t kick you out of the house back then is that your mother assured me that it was just a phase, a thing girls go through and that you’d outgrow it.” He scowled. “I didn’t think you’d outgrow it by screwing some boy and getting pregnant.”

“I didn’t outgrow it. I still prefer women.”

“How the hell can you say that when you’re pregnant?”

“That was…that was a mistake.”

He stared at her for a long, uncomfortable moment, then he gave a sharp nod of agreement. “Mistake. Yes. Tomorrow you will go to the doctor with your mother and get rid of this ‘mistake.’”

“No,” whispered Misha.

“What was that?”

Misha swallowed hard, and said more loudly, “No, Papa. I will not get rid of this baby.”

“Shiina Mikado, you will get an abortion. This is not up for debate. You’ve brought enough shame on this family by not hiding your sexual deviancy; you’re not going to compound that shame by bringing a goddamn bastard into this family.”

No, Papa.” Misha was trembling, but she stared at her father, willing him to hear her. “I don’t want to—I want to have this baby. Your grandchild.”

Her father sneered. “That’s no grandchild of mine, it’s a lump of cells that need to be gotten rid of before you humiliate this family even more.”

Misha shook her head, feeling nauseous with fear, but she found the courage to say, “No. I won’t”

“You’re a child yourself. You don’t get a say in this matter. Obviously I somehow failed you as a father, that you’d be so slutty as to get knocked up despite claiming you’re a dyke. But this ends now.”

“No.” Repetition made the word somewhat easier to say.

Her father just stared back at her, breathing heavily, before hissing quietly. “You will do as I say or you are no daughter of mine.”

And there it was. The moment Misha had been dreading ever since she’d come out to her parents. He’d not disowned her then, though it had felt like a near thing at the time. Only her mother’s intervention had prevented that, she was sure. Now, looking at her mother, she saw no help for her. Her mother was hovering in the doorway to the kitchen, watching, bright-eyed with unshed tears, but she was not contradicting her husband, wasn’t supporting Misha this time.

She licked her lips, and had to try twice before she could speak. “That’s…your choice.”

The look he gave her shook her to the core. She’d seen her father looking annoyed, or mad, or frustrated with her, but never before had she seen him direct a look of such pure loathing and contempt at her. At his own daughter. “You’re right. It is my choice. Get out.”

Although she had been half expecting it, it still caught her off-guard. “What?”

“You’re no longer a member of this family. Get out of this house. You don’t belong here.”

“Dear…” Misha’s mother spoke for the first time. “It’s the middle of the night.”

“That’s not my concern.”

“What will the neighbors think, with our daughter standing in the street with her suitcase in the middle of the night?”

Misha’s father grimaced, then growled, “Fine. She can leave in the morning. But I don’t want to see her before I head to work.” He didn’t look at Misha as he rose from the table and stormed out of the dining room. As he left, he spat out over his shoulder, “Take everything you want with you. Everything else in that room is going to the dump tomorrow afternoon.”

“Papa,” Misha whispered to his retreating back as tears streamed down her face.

Her mother wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and hugged her. “I’m sorry.”

Not sorry enough to stand up to him, Misha thought, but she couldn’t blame her mother for that, not really. Her father was difficult to stand up to. She was amazed that she’d managed it herself, even if the results were less than she could have hoped for.

She wiped the tears from her face, then stood up straighter. I did stand up to him. I’m not going to lose this baby. She sighed and wearily stood up. “Excuse me, Mama. I guess I need to go pack.”

“I’ll help.”

Misha and her mother went back to her room. Misha looked around the room, filled with the mementos and detritus of her childhood, and despaired of ever packing everything she wanted into two suitcases. There were so many memories in so many things, from her middle school yearbook to the shells she’d picked up at the seashore to her swimming trophies to the poster of Sailors Neptune and Uranus. She felt a crushing weight of despair at having to lose all of her things, all of her past. To say nothing of her old picture books and stuffed animals and dolls, which she had hoped to pass on to her own child. She sat down on her desk chair with a thud and tried to figure out where to start. “There’s too much,” she moaned.

Her mother similarly looked around the room, and sighed. “I know you can’t take everything you want with you immediately. Pile anything you want to keep for later on top of your desk or dresser, and I’ll box them up to save for you.”

Misha felt her burden and despair lessen a little. “But where will you put them?”

“I’ll store them in the attic—your father never goes up there.”

“Thank you, Mama.”

She gave Misha a sad smile. “I’m sorry I can’t do more than that, but your father is impossible to budge when he gets like this.”

“I know. I know,” Misha said sadly. “Now I just need to figure out where to go. D’you think Miwako could put me up?”

Her mother chewed on her lower lip for a moment, then got up to close the door. Returning to Misha, she lowered her voice and said, “Your sister’s apartment is barely eight tatami mats large. Perhaps…you should ask your Grandmother Mikado for help.”

Misha frowned, confused. “Who? Papa’s mother? But…she’s dead.”

Her mother grimaced. “Dead to him, as he would put it, but no. She’s alive.”

“Oh.” Misha felt bewildered. “I…didn’t know that.”

“I know. But I think she might be willing to at least talk to you, maybe take you in for at least a few days.”

Misha shook her head, confused by the thought of having a relative she’d never known about. “Why would she do that? I mean, I’d be grateful, but I’ve never even met her.”

Her mother ran a hand through her hair and sighed. Her voice still almost a whisper, she said, “She might talk to you for the reason your father doesn’t talk to her. Your grandpapa…he wasn’t widowed, but divorced. She left him. For…another woman.”

Misha’s eyes went wide, and she voiced a quiet “Oh!” Suddenly her father’s intense dislike of her sexual orientation made a lot more sense.

“Let me see if I can dig up her phone number, and you can call her. Or, well, maybe I should call first, to introduce you. Oh, and actually, her last name is now Ogura; she returned to her maiden name after the divorce.”

“All right. Thank you.”

“Just give me a few minutes. I’ve not talked to her in years. I’ll be right back.”

Her mother slipped out of the room, closing the door behind her, and Misha looked around her room. It was still depressing to think of how much she was about to lose, but now she could at least save the most important parts of her past. She got to work.

Her mother returned ten minutes later, phone in hand. She glanced at the large stack of books and toys and photos already piling up on Misha’s desk. She closed the room’s door behind her again and held out her phone. “Your grandmother would like to speak with you.”

Misha fought down a wave of nerves and accepted the proffered phone from her mother. She lifted it to her face and realized, I don’t even know what to call her. Baasan sounds too familiar for someone I’ve never met. She cleared her throat, and said, her voice a little high with tension, “Hello, Grandmother…Ogura? This is…this is Shiina Mikado.” She wasn’t sure why she introduced herself by her given name instead of her nickname, but the spontaneous decision felt right.

There was a short pause, then her grandmother said, “Hah. That’s the first time someone has ever called me Grandmother. I find that I rather like it.”

Misha felt reassured by that reaction.

“Your mother tells me you’re in a bit of a pickle.”

Misha fought down a slightly hysterical giggle. Pickle? “Yes, I’m afraid so. I…I know we’ve never met, and this is a lot to ask, but—”

“You’re welcome to stay here,” her grandmother cut her off before she could even ask.

“Oh. Oh.” Misha felt a huge knot in her stomach loosen, and before she could even say “thank you,” she began to cry, surprising herself. She hadn’t realized just how frightened she’d been of being kicked out onto the streets without resources until that was no longer a possibility.

Her mother wrapped an arm around her shoulders, steadying her, and Misha choked back her sobs enough to whisper, “Thank you.”

“Of course. I feel like I owe you that much, since I’m no doubt a large part of why your father hates lesbians so much.”

Perversely, Misha felt a need to defend her father as she wiped away her tears. “He didn’t kick me out when I came out to him. Just when I…when I told him I’m pregnant.”

“Rather, when you refused to end that pregnancy, according to your mother.”

“Yes.”

“That boy always was too focused on appearances,” her grandmother said sadly.

Misha fought down a nervous giggle at her father being called a “boy.”

“I live in Natori. Your family is still in Shibata, yes?”

“Yes. Wait, Natori, just south of Sendai?”

“Yes.”

Misha gave a disbelieving laugh. “I’m attending a school in west Sendai. We’re almost neighbors.”

“Hmm. Well, we can talk about that when you get here,” her grandmother said cryptically. “As I recall, it’s approximately a six hour train ride here. If you leave tomorrow morning, I can pick you up at the station tomorrow afternoon any time after one.”

“Yes, I just came in from Sendai this afternoon.” Misha suppressed a groan at the thought of retracing her route so soon. “I will call you when I leave to let you know my arrival time.”

“Good. I look forward to meeting you. How will I know you?”

“I’ll be easy to spot; I have short pink hair.”

“Pink.” Misha could all but hear her grandmother blinking on the other end of the phone line. “Well, yes, that is fairly distinctive. So unless I hear otherwise, I’ll meet you tomorrow at the station in the afternoon.”

“Yes. And thank you again, grandmother.”

Her grandmother chuckled. “I still like hearing that. I’ll look forward to meeting you then.”

Misha handed her mother’s phone back to her, an act which reminded her: “My phone. You’ve been paying for it—”

“I’ll continue to pay for it,” her mother assured her. “Your father leaves all the household finances to me; he won’t have to know. And I’ll…” She bit her lip for a moment, glancing furtively at the closed door, then continued, in an even softer voice, “I’ll continue to deposit your monthly allowance in your checking account. So you won’t be a complete burden on your grandmother.”

“Thank you.” Misha knew she couldn’t live on ten thousand yen a month, but at least it was something.

“Just don’t start making a lot of international phone calls,” her mother joked.

Misha smiled for a moment, but it faded at the reminder. There’s no way I’m going to be studying in America now. She sighed and shook her head.

“What?” her mother asked.

Misha looked around her room. “Just thinking about how much I still need to sort through.” She opened a desk drawer and peered glumly into it. That’s mostly junk. She shoved the drawer shut and looked back up at her mother. “Thank you for calling Grandmother for me.”

Her mother also sighed. “Let’s get this done as quickly as possible. You’re pregnant; you need to get your sleep.”

Misha blinked back sudden tears. That’s the first time she’s said anything supportive about my pregnancy. Though, admittedly, she was sometimes hard-pressed to find anything positive about it herself. Wordlessly, she nodded, and the two of them got to work.


Misha was weary and hungry by the time she arrived at the Natori train station late the following afternoon. Although she was past the morning sickness stage of her pregnancy, two consecutive days of erratic motion while riding on trains had upset her stomach again. She was struggling to keep down the water and dry rice crackers she’d forced herself to eat on the trip, the lovely bento that her mother had prepared for her sitting untouched in her backpack.

She pushed one suitcase in front of her and pulled the larger one behind her. She’d waited until most people had gotten off of the train to debark so she wouldn’t block everyone getting off, but that also meant there were no helpful strangers around to take one of the bags for her, like there had been when she’d gotten onto the train.

She succeeded in exiting the train just moments before it closed its doors and pulled away. She sighed, and looked around the platform. Most of the other passengers had already left, which meant that the slim older woman approaching her was easy to spot.

“Shiina?” asked the woman with a warm smile. She was dressed in a lovely dark red wool winter coat, with black slacks and sensible black shoes underneath.

Misha wondered again at her impulse to introduce herself to her grandmother by her given name instead of her nickname. Now was the time to amend that introduction, if she was going to do so. But she realized that she liked hearing herself addressed as Shiina. It felt like making a break from her past. I’ll be Shiina now. Mommy Shiina.

Shiina pulled herself upright and bowed deeply to her grandmother. “Grandmother Ogura. I am so very thankful for your kind hospitality.”

“Come now, dear, no need to be so formal with me. It’s wonderful to finally meet you. Here, let me take one of your bags.”

Shiina felt like she should carry her own luggage, but the simple fact was, she was exhausted and clumsy and had barely managed to get both of the bags off the train as it was. So she acquiesced with a quiet “Thank you,” and followed her grandmother out of the train station.

“After a full day of travel, I suspect you’re mostly ready to go to sleep, so we’ll head straight home. Kasumi has prepared a light supper, then you can collapse.”

“Kasumi?”

“My partner. Kasumi Miyata. We’ve been together for nearly thirty years now.”

“Oh, your girlfriend.”

Her grandmother snorted. “Referring to anyone my age as a girlfriend seems a trifle odd. I usually use the term ‘partner,’ though I think of her as my wife. Of course, she’s not, legally speaking, but…maybe someday.”

“That would be nice.”

They arrived at the car park, and Grandmother pulled out a key fob. A small car nearby chirped as its doors unlocked. They loaded the suitcases into the trunk and Shiina slid into the passenger seat with a deep and heartfelt sigh. I’m almost done with the traveling… “How long is it to your home?” she asked.

“About a half hour.” Her grandmother glanced at her and added, “You can just close your eyes and rest if you wish. Don’t feel like you have to entertain me.”

Shiina felt a mix of gratitude and embarrassment. She felt like she should talk with her grandmother, get to know her a bit, properly express her gratitude for saving her. But she’d had less than four hours of sleep last night and she’d been unable to sleep on the train. Physical exhaustion combined with the psychological exhaustion of being evicted from her childhood home to override her good manners. She murmured, “Thank you,” as her eyes drifted shut. She was asleep before the car left the parking lot.



Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2023 4:30 pm
by Lap

Kasumi Miyata turned out to look like what Shiina had assumed her grandmother would look like—short and plump and full of smiles. “You can call me Grandmother Kasumi,” she said as they introduced themselves.

“And you might as well call me Grandmother Aina, so we know which grandmother you’re talking about,” Grandmother Ogura added.

Shiina smiled at that, feeling better for the half-hour nap she’d gotten on the drive from the train station. “Thank you.” She could smell something delicious cooking, and was pleased that the nap seemed to have settled her stomach, too.

“You don’t look too much like your father,” Grandmother Kasumi observed.

“You know Papa?”

“Oh, yes, I knew your father when he was a boy. Our husbands were friends, and the four of us socialized for many years before we, ah…” she shot Grandmother Aina a wry look. “Before we went our separate ways.”

“So that’s how you two met?”

“Yes.”

Reminded of the family connection, Shiina looked more closely at Grandmother Aina. Her face was slim, with sharp cheekbones like her father, but her eyes were larger and kinder looking, with smile lines softening her face. She was tall, like her father, and Shiina wished, not for the first time, that she’d inherited some of her father’s height instead of her mother’s shortness.

“Come, let me show you to your room, then we can have dinner.”

“Thank you.”

As Shiina followed Grandmother Aina into the house, she looked around curiously. It was smaller than the house she’d grown up in, but it felt cozy and well lived-in. Her grandmother led her upstairs and slid open a door. “Here’s you, then. Sorry it’s so cramped; it was Kasumi’s office.”

Shiina looked at the room, which was lined with overflowing bookcases and had a large desk in front of the window. A futon was spread out near a closet door.

“I won’t get in her way, will I?”

“No, no, she barely uses it any more since she retired. We’ve been thinking of converting it into a library or guest room, but haven’t gotten around to it yet.”

“What did she retire from?”

“She was a professor of chemistry at Tohoku University.”

Shiina was startled. “She was?” The plump smiling woman she’d just met didn’t fit her image of a science professor at all. She’s nothing at all like Mutou…

Her grandmother chuckled. “Now she uses her chemistry skills in the kitchen, and the quality of our meals has gone up considerably since she retired.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m also retired, but I was a clerk in the city records office. Not the most thrilling of jobs, but I was lucky to get it after the divorce. It wasn’t easy for a woman over thirty entering the workforce for the first time.” She turned on a lamp sitting on a desk. “We’ve put a futon out for you here; I hope it’s comfortable. The toilet is just next door down the hall. I don’t remember much about being pregnant with your father, but I do remember needing to know where the toilet was at all times.”

“Um, yes, if you don’t mind…”

“Go, go, I’ll wait here,” said her grandmother, making a shooing motion.

Blushing, Shiina went to find the toilet.

When she’d finished, she looked at herself in the mirror over the sink as she washed her hands. “Hello, Shiina,” she whispered to herself, trying to get used to the sound of the name. She wondered anew why she had chosen to introduce herself that way. Practically the only time she heard her given name instead of her nickname was when one of her parents was mad at her.

Like when Papa threw me out.

That felt like it should be a reason to avoid that name, but it wasn’t. Misha was the foolish girl who got pregnant. Shiina is the girl who stood up to Papa. Who will be a mother. She stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment, contemplating that. If I’m going to change back, now is the time do it, to tell Grandmother. Not after she’s gotten used to calling me Shiina. She bit her lip, regarding herself, then nodded sharply. She would never be able to tell anyone, but even in the midst of the misery of being evicted she felt just the tiniest bit proud of herself for standing up to Papa.

Shiina it is.

Dinner proved to be just as tasty as it had smelled, and Shiina was grateful that her appetite had returned, allowing her to fully appreciate it. As she ate, she found herself telling her grandmothers about the past few years of her life. It was a meandering, disjointed story, as she backed and filled as she remembered things, telling them about such disparate events as coming out to her parents, life at Yamaku, working with Shizune, falling for Shizune, watching Shizune fall for Hisao. She surprised herself when she found herself even telling them about the disastrous night that she’d gotten pregnant—not the physical details, of course, but talking about the roiling mess of self-destructive emotions that had driven her there. And how she’d eventually come to realize the dire consequences of her rash actions.

Her grandmothers were remarkably easy to talk to. Or perhaps it was that she had been too long without anyone to truly talk to, and everything she’d kept bottled up since her falling-out with Shizune and Hisao came pouring out.

She stumbled to a halt around the end of dessert, and realized just how much she’d monopolized the conversation over the last hour. “I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear all of this, I don’t know why I’m babbling at you.”

“It’s not babble,” Grandmother Kasumi said soothingly. “We want to get to know you.”

“I want to get to know you, too, but instead all I talked about was myself. I’m sorry.”

Grandmother Aina patted her hand. “It sounds like you had a lot to get off your chest.”

Shiina gave a humorless laugh and nodded.

“Have you seen a doctor?” asked Grandmother Aina.

“You mean, about…” Shiina patted her belly.

“About your pregnancy, yes.”

“No. It seemed kinda pointless, especially after I used a pregnancy test. It’s kinda obvious I’m pregnant.”

“Well, yes, but there are still things you can—should—do with an OB/GYN. You should be having a checkup at least once a month.”

“Ugh. I hate seeing the gynie.” Shiina grimaced as she recalled the embarrassment of lying flat on her back, feet in stirrups, with a strange man examining her privates.

“An obstetrician isn’t strictly a gynecologist,” said Grandmother Kasumi. “Or rather, not solely. They take care of the baby as well as the mother, monitoring its health and growth. Make sure everything is proceeding normally.”

“Surely you can see why that would be important,” added Grandmother Aina.

“Yes…” agreed Shiina reluctantly.

“So I take it you don’t have a regular doctor in the area? You said your school was nearby.”

“No, at Yamaku I always just see the nurse for any problems I have. We have a really good medical staff there, because of all the students’ needs.”

“But you never talked to the staff about your pregnancy?”

“No, because they would have had to tell my parents. I didn’t want that.”

“Understandable, but going forward, I think we need to get you to an obstetrician.”

Shiina sighed. “Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I suppose I can talk to the nurse at school.”

Her grandmothers exchanged a look at that. “Dear…” Grandmother Aina began.

“What?”

Grandmother Aina sighed. “Most high schools…” she pursed her lips for a moment, as if searching for the right word, “frown upon their students getting pregnant.”

“Oh.” Shiina’s stomach tightened, and she suddenly regretted the lovely meal she’d just eaten. “Do you think they’ll kick me out?” Them too?

“Most likely. I’m sorry, dear, had you not realized?”

“No…I hadn’t.” Shiina had been planning on going back to Yamaku after winter break, meaning she wouldn’t be imposing on her grandmother—grandmothers—for too long. Yamaku had at least been a familiar place, a place to sleep, a place where she would be fed. She felt her list of problems, already overwhelming, expand even more around her. It felt like the crushing weight she was already carrying on her shoulders had just doubled in size.

Her plans for what to do after graduation had been vague and hazy—Admit it, Shiina, they were non-existent—but that had been an issue for “someday,” that she could put off for another few months. But suddenly she was totally bereft of those familiar supports now, not some nebulous “someday.” She closed her eyes and marshaled her thoughts, struggling to keep in the tears that came too easily these days. I need to find a job and a place to stay, she thought bleakly.

Grandmother Aina apparently noticed her distress, because she said, “We’re not going to turn you and your baby out onto the streets, Shiina. We’ll help you get your feet under you.”

“It won’t be easy,” Grandmother Kasumi said, “but you’re strong. You can do it. And we’ll help.”

Shiina opened her eyes and gave a disbelieving laugh. “Strong? Me?

“You stood up to your father, chose to do what you felt was right for you and your baby,” said Grandmother Aina. “That took courage, and strength.”

Shiina shook her head. “I’ve never felt strong.”

“Well, you’re going to have to be, now,” said Grandmother Kasumi.

“And what if my choice wasn’t the right one?”

Grandmother Aina sighed and patted her on the arm. “That’s always the question, isn’t it?”

“But I think you’re making the right choice,” Grandmother Kasumi said, surprising Shiina. She gave her other grandmother an inquiring look. But Grandmother Kasumi did not expand on that statement, instead continuing with, “So we need to find you an obstetrician locally.” She glanced at Grandmother Aina. “I was thinking, maybe Sakiko?”

Grandmother Aina nodded. “Yes, I was thinking of her, too.”

“Who’s that?”

“Dr. Sakiko Yano, a friend of ours. She’s also a lesbian, and I think she would be sympathetic to your circumstances.”

“Having a woman doctor would be nicer,” Shiina said wistfully.

Grandmother Kasumi snorted. “I can’t imagine ever seeing a male OB-GYN ever again. I had enough of men getting up in my business when I was married.”

Shiina giggled and blushed at that blunt statement. But her comment prompted Shiina to ask, “Do you have any children?”

Grandmother Kasumi shook her head. “No. For better or worse, I never got pregnant while married. Which was part of the reason my husband was so willing to divorce me.”

Grandmother Aina grunted, “Count your blessings. Mikado fought me all the way.”

“Yes, I remember.” Grandmother Kasumi laid a comforting hand over Grandmother Aina’s hand, and Grandmother Aina smiled back at her. Shiina felt momentarily envious of the warmth of the look they shared, the years of togetherness and shared experiences behind that look. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone like that?

“So Papa…was raised by Grandpapa after you got divorced?” Shiina asked.

Grandmother Aina sighed. “Yes. But that’s another story, a longer and uglier one, for another time.”

“Right, of course, I didn’t mean to pry,” Shiina said hastily.

Grandmother Aina shook her head. “It’s not prying, dear; it’s part of my—our family history. Which I’ll be…well, not happy, but willing to share with you at some other time. Just not right now.” She smiled, and added, “Right now, I think you might benefit from a good night’s sleep.”

“I’m not—” Shiina’s words were cut off by a yawn. They all laughed, and Shiina admitted, “Well, I guess I am kinda sleepy.”

“We’ll continue this conversation tomorrow. I’ll reach out to Sakiko, and see if we can get you in to see her soon.”

Shiina nodded, the exhaustion from the last two days suddenly hitting her. The food had given her a brief boost of energy, but now that it had been brought to her attention, she was more than ready to sleep. “I’ll help with the dishes,” she offered dutifully, but Grandmother Aina waved her off.

“There will be time enough for you to help out with chores going forward. Right now, I think you need sleep more. For you and the baby. I’ll go start the bath.”

Shiina felt guilty about not helping out, after all they’d done for her, but she couldn’t deny the truth of her grandmother’s words. She nodded. “All right. Thank you.”

Later, after she had bathed and brushed her teeth, Shiina snuggled in under the comforter on her futon. Despite her weariness, sleep eluded her for a time, as the new scents and sounds of the unfamiliar house around her plagued her senses. My grandmothers seem nice. I wonder how long they’ll really let me stay here? She found it difficult to believe that they might put up with her for so long—all the way past childbirth? That sounded like being an incredible burden upon them.

If I can’t go back to Yamaku, at least I’ll never have to see Shicchan or Hicchan again. A thought which was simultaneously reassuring and depressing. I really wish I could talk to Shicchan about this…

She sighed, rolled over, and finally fell into a deep and weary slumber.



A single phone call the next day was all it took to confirm her Grandmother’s assertion, that Yamaku didn’t want her any more. Not if she was going to be keeping the baby. It was only a forty-five minute drive from her grandmothers’ house to Yamaku. Grandmother Aina took her, a load of empty cardboard boxes in the back of the car.

Withdrawing from Yamaku proved to be depressingly simple. All she had to do was co-sign a few papers with her Grandmother for Mrs. Noya, the school secretary. She changed her home address to her Grandmothers’ home address, and Mrs. Noya asked, “Will you be taking the Upper Secondary School Equivalency Examination in Natori?”

“Pardon?”

“Since you won’t be graduating from Yamaku, you can’t take the Center Tests, but you can take the Upper Secondary School Equivalency Examination to get the equivalent of a high school degree. We can file an application for you from here.”

“Oh. I…guess so?” Shiina looked helplessly at her grandmother.

Grandmother Aina nodded. “It would be well for you to do so. Even if you’re not immediately planning on attending university, having a high school diploma equivalency would reflect well on you, for any future endeavors.”

“Right.” Shiina took a deep breath and smiled at Mrs. Noya. “Thank you. Yes, please.”

Which resulted in another couple of forms to fill out and sign, but then they were done. “That’s that, then,” said Mrs. Noya, stacking the forms and tapping them together neatly. “Please return your room key here once you’re all packed up.” She smiled sympathetically at Shiina, for which she was grateful; she’d braced herself for contempt and scorn.

“I noticed that she didn’t inquire about the baby’s father,” Grandmother said drily as they walked to the dorm.

“Yeah. I guess I’m glad; I don’t feel like making trouble for Hii—for him.”

“Doesn’t seem fair that you’re the only one getting punished, though. It’s not as if you got pregnant all by yourself.”

Shiina hadn’t thought of it in those terms. Grandmother’s observation made her feel uncomfortable in a way she couldn’t quite put her finger on. It wasn’t as if Hisao had pushed himself on her; quite the opposite, in fact. But why didn’t he think about contraception? she thought, with a spark of anger. Not that she had, either, but she rather demonstrably hadn’t been thinking very well at the time. Or I wouldn’t have been there in the first place. She sighed, and let the nascent anger ebb. It’s too late now, anyway.

Walking down the hall of the dorm, Shiina felt a quiver of nervousness, irrationally afraid that Shizune might pop out of her room and pepper her with questions. But the door to Shizune’s room remained closed as they walked past it, and Shiina gave a sigh that was mostly of relief, but also a little disappointed. Of course she’s not here, she’s at home with her family, like everyone else.

Grandmother Aina helped her pack her room. The clothes she hadn’t taken home with her for winter break filled four cardboard boxes, and her school papers and books and stuffed animals and the like filled another five. “I hope we can fit all these in,” said Grandmother Aina dubiously, eyeing the pile of boxes.

“We can leave the box of uniforms if we have to,” Shiina said. “I won’t be needing them.” A lump formed in her throat at the thought.

Grandmother Aina frowned slightly, then patted her arm. “We’ll make them all fit. Don’t worry. It’s not so far away; if we have to make a second trip to get everything we can.”

Loading the car was fairly quick, and fortunately it seemed like everything would fit. Shiina carried the last box out of her room and set it on the floor so she could lock up when she heard a voice.

“M-misha?”

Shiina jerked her head around to see Hanako standing in the doorway of her room, three doors down, dressed in jeans and a black turtleneck shirt. She’d never seen Hanako in anything other than a school uniform, and it took her aback. “Ah…Hanako? What are you doing here?”

Hanako looked abashed, as if Shiina had caught her doing something illicit. “I stay in the d-dorms over break.” She walked closer to Shiina and eyed the box on the floor.

“Why would—oh. Right.” Shiina blushed as she recalled that Hanako was an orphan.

“What are you doing?” Hanako asked.

“Moving out.” She hoped against hope that that might be a sufficient explanation, inviting no further questions.

Alas, that was not the case. “W-w-why?” Hanako asked, looking confused.

Shiina sighed, and wondered how little explanation she could get away with. “I’m withdrawing from Yamaku.”

Hanako frowned, her evident confusion increasing. “Why?” she repeated.

Shiina bit her lip as she considered her options. It might be easiest just to tell her. She sighed, and said, “I was asked to withdraw. Because…because…” She found that she couldn’t say why, and she rested a hand on her belly.

“Because you’re p-pregnant?”

Shiina gaped at her. “How did you know that?”

“I’ve r-read the student handbook a few times. There aren’t m-many reasons why the school would ask you…to withdraw. And…” she gave a nervous apologetic smile and gestured towards Shiina’s hand on her belly. “Patting your b-belly…is kind of telling.”

“Oh.”

“Are you g-going to keep the baby? Not put it in an…orphanage?”

Shiina nodded.

“Good! I’m glad!”

Shiina was surprised at how Hanako’s voice, normally so quiet and shy, was loud and firm. I guess she might have some strong opinions about orphanages, she realized.

“When is it d-due?”

“Mid-July.”

Hanako smiled at her. “You’ll be a…good mother.”

Shiina blinked back startled tears. “I hope so. I want to be.”

“You will be,” said Hanako, with an odd confidence born out of absolutely nothing that Shiina could perceive. Nonetheless, it heartened her to hear that approbation. She wondered if Hanako would ask her about the baby’s father, but to her surprise, she didn’t.

Shiina finished locking her door and turned to face Hanako and say goodbye. But the words stuck in her throat. This is really it. This is my final goodbye to Yamaku. It might have been easier to leave if Hanako hadn’t been there, if there hadn’t been someone to actually say goodbye to, but she was glad she’d talked with Hanako, however briefly. You’ll be a good mother echoed in her brain, a prediction to hold on to and aspire to.

Apparently realizing that Shiina wasn’t going to say anything, Hanako asked, “D-do you want me…to pass on any messages to anyone? To…Shizune?”

Tell her I’m sorry flashed through Shiina’s mind, but she discarded that thought immediately. “No, thank you~! I’ll talk to her myself,” she lied.

“Okay. And…” Hanako bit her lip, looking uncertain for a moment, then blurted out, “Thank you so much for not p-putting your baby…in an orphanage. Really.”

“Ah…you’re welcome?”

“I hope things g-go well…for you and your b-baby.”

Shiina felt a rush of unexpected gratitude for this simple declaration of good wishes. Someone is on my side. She smiled at Hanako, said, “Thank you,” and pulled her into a goodbye hug. Hanako made a startled noise, but she lifted her arms and returned the gesture. Shiina held on for a long moment, surprised at how difficult it was to let go of her classmate, who, realistically speaking, was a relative stranger. It’s not like I know her all that well. But I’m not just saying goodbye to Hanako, I’m saying goodbye to Yamaku. And everyone else here. For all that the last couple of months had been painful and confusing, her years at Yamaku had mostly been good.

Breaking apart, Shiina asked, “Could you do me a favor~? Could you give my room key back to Mrs. Noya in the office?”

“Of c-course.” Hanako took the key from her, and Shiina bent to pick up her box.

“Good luck with your Center Exams~!” Shiina said by way of farewell.

Hanako gave a slightly hollow sounding laugh. “Yes. Th-thank you. I should get b-back to studying.” She glanced at the key in her hand. “After I run to the office. It’ll be g-good to…take a break.”

“Thanks for that~! Take care!” Unable to wave or bow, Shiina nodded to Hanako before turning and heading back out to the car where her grandmother was waiting.

“All set?” her grandmother asked her as she wedged the last box into the back seat.

“All set~!” agreed Shiina, then she winced. She realized she’d reverted to the loud and bubbly voice she’d used at Yamaku. “All set,” she repeated more quietly. “A classmate said she’d take my key back to the office for me.”

“Oh? Someone was here?”

“Yes. She’s an orphan, so she stays in the dorms over break.”

“That seems lonely.”

Shiina hadn’t thought of that. “Hanako’s a really shy girl. I’m not sure if it’s lonely for her, or if it’s a relief to not have other people around for a while.”

“Ah. Yes. I can understand that.”

Shiina shot her grandmother a look as she buckled herself into the passenger seat. “Really?”

Her grandmother smiled as she started the car, and headed towards home. Shiina was focused on her grandmother’s comment, and so didn’t really notice when she left Yamaku’s grounds for the last time. “I was fairly shy myself, when I was younger. Still am, to be honest, but I’m better at meeting social expectations when dealing with other people.”

“You’ve never seemed that shy to me.”

“Well, you’re family. That’s different.”

“Family you’d never met before. We’re kinda like strangers.”

“True, though I know more about you than you do about me.”

“Huh?”

“Your mother always sent me New Year’s cards, kept me up-to-date on your family. So I knew a bit about you, at least.”

“I didn’t know that. I didn’t even know you were alive until a few days ago.”

“Yes, I know. After your mother told me you’d come out, I had been planning on introducing myself to you when you turned twenty, when you became an adult. But then you ended up on my doorstep even sooner.”

“I’m glad I got to meet you sooner.” Shiina patted her belly. “Even if the reasons why we met were bad.”

“That baby is not a bad thing,” her grandmother said firmly. “Your father throwing you out of your house was a bad thing, but never think of that child as a bad thing.”

“No…of course not.” Shiina felt simultaneously embarrassed by her poor word choice, and pleased by her grandmother’s rebuttal of those words. You’re not a bad thing, she thought reassuringly to the tiny life inside her. She smiled gently down at her belly.

Back at the house, Shiina pulled a comforter, some additional clothes, and a favorite plush koala bear out of the boxes they’d packed. She looked at the framed photograph of her, Shizune, and Lilly for a long moment before shaking her head and putting it back in the box. She left most of her things packed and stacked the boxes up in the closet in Grandmother Kasumi’s office. She still was shy about thinking of the office as her room, though she’d already heard both of her grandmothers referred to it as such.

At dinner that evening, Grandmother Kasumi said, “I spoke with Sakiko today while you were out, and she’s happy to fit you into her schedule. She has an opening tomorrow morning at ten-thirty. Does that work for you?”

Shiina bit her lip. “I didn’t think it would be so soon.”

“Better sooner than later. You’re overdue for an initial checkup.”

Shiina sighed and nodded reluctant acquiescence. “Yes. I know. Thank you. Er, how do I get to her office?”

“It’s a short bus ride,” Grandmother Aina said. “I’ll accompany you, if you like.”

“Please,” said Shiina quietly. The thought of seeing a new doctor gave her butterflies in her stomach. It wasn’t just the thought of some new stranger examining her privates that bothered her, but seeing a doctor would be yet one more step in making the pregnancy all that much more real. Not that the vomiting wasn’t real enough, she reflected wryly.

“On the way back, perhaps you can stop in a bookstore and pick up some study guides for the equivalency exams,” Grandmother Kasumi suggested.

“And a book on pregnancy,” Grandmother Aina added. “It’s been long enough that I’ve forgotten a lot of the finer details. And I’m sure some things have changed.”

“Oh. Yes. I guess I should…” She felt abashed that her grandmothers were planning for her future better than she was.

She helped wash the dishes after dinner, and managed to stay awake for a while afterwards to talk. It felt odd, talking so openly with people she’d just met, but her grandmothers exuded a warmth and caring that made it easy to open up to them. Again, she found herself talking more than listening, much to her own annoyance. She resolved to do better in the coming days as she headed off to bed.



The bus ride to the obstetrician’s office was less than half an hour, as promised, and the route was easy enough to remember. Shiina was sure she could get there on her own in the future, but she was grateful that Grandmother Aina had accompanied her this first time.

Dr. Yano proved to be the most stereotypically looking lesbian Shiina had ever met—tall, heavy set, with short-cropped silver hair. Shiina thought she looked like her picture ought to appear in the dictionary next to the definition of “bull dyke.” She could easily picture Dr. Yano wearing black leather and riding a motorcycle. But her smile was warm, her eyes bright behind her rimless glasses, and she greeted Grandmother Aina fondly, like the old friends that they were.

“And this is my granddaughter, Shiina Mikado,” Grandmother Aina said by way of introduction.

Shiina bowed nervously to the doctor. “I’ll be in your care.”

Dr. Yano smiled. “Yes, you will. Both of you. It’s nice to meet you.” She smiled at Grandmother Aina. “I’ll take it from here, eh?”

Grandmother Aina nodded, and excused herself back to the waiting room, leaving Shiina alone with the doctor. The doctor took a fairly boring standard medical history, then had Shiina go to the bathroom to pee in a cup. “Just to officially confirm you’re pregnant,” Dr. Yano said. “Though I agree that the indicators are strong.”

The pelvic exam wasn’t as bad as she remembered, perhaps because this time the doctor was a woman. The trans-vaginal ultrasound was mildly uncomfortable, but seeing pictures of her insides on the monitor was sufficiently distracting to keep it from being truly horrible. Dr. Yano pointed out a formless white blob on the screen that she assured Shiina was her embryo, with lines of little barely-there arms and legs visible. “Is it a girl?” Shiina asked hopefully.

“It’s too early to tell yet. We should be able to test for that in about a month. You want to know the baby’s sex ahead of time?”

“Yes. Please.” Shiina felt certain she was carrying a girl, but conceded to herself it would be good to know ahead of time if she was wrong.

“Everything looks good so far,” Dr. Yano said cheerily, as she stripped off her latex gloves. “You can sit up and get dressed now.”

Shiina stepped behind a screen to redress, then came back out. Dr. Yano waved her to a seat opposite hers. “Sit down, we just have a few more questions to go over.”

Most of the questions were what Shiina expected—about her health, diet, and sleep—until she got to a question that startled her.

“You do know how you got pregnant, don’t you?” asked Dr. Yano.

“Er…yes?”

“How?”

Shiina blinked at Dr. Yano. “I mean…I had sex…with a boy?”

“Oh, good. Not every teen mother that comes in here knows that much.”

Shiina suddenly didn’t feel quite so foolish. “You’re joking.”

Dr. Yano sighed. “I wish I was.”

“I mean…I’m a lesbian, and even I know that much.”

Dr. Yano arched an eyebrow at her. “Kasumi said something to that effect. So what were you doing having sex with a man? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say you’re bisexual?”

Shiina shuddered. “No…once was enough. I never want to do that again.”

“Was that what you were doing? Confirming your sexuality?”

“No, definitely not.”

“Then what were you doing, having sex with a man?”

Shiina shrugged, uncomfortable discussing her failings with this stranger, no matter how friendly she seemed. When a half minute of silence made it clear that Dr. Yano was going to wait until she got some sort of an answer, she said, “Making a mistake.”

Dr. Yano’s mouth twitched in wry acceptance of this minimalist explanation, but thankfully she let it stand. “So that was the only time you had sex with a man?”

“Yeah. Only once, and this happened,” Shiina said mournfully, rubbing her belly.

“Have you ever had sex with a woman?”

Shiina ducked her head, to hide her blush. “Um…yeah. My first year of high school.”

“How many partners have you had?”

“Just the one! We dated for a while, but…she didn’t want to get too serious. It didn’t work out.” Shiina frowned, glumly recalling the day Emi had called things quits between them. It still stung a little, the way she’d called her “clingy” and “too needy.”

Dr. Yano regarded her shrewdly. “How has your mood been?”

“Pardon?” She thought the doctor was responsible for her baby’s health, not her mental health.

“Unplanned pregnancies can be stressful. Are you feeling stressed, sad, or depressed?”

“Um…well, yeah, I’m stressed—I mean, my father kicked me out of the house, and I don’t know how I’m going to support this baby on my own. To say nothing of the upcoming equivalency exams.”

“Those kinds of test are stressful,” Dr. Yano agreed. “How have you been handling these stresses?”

Shiina tried to give the question honest thought. “Scared. Worried about where I’ll live, work, how I’ll support us.” She hesitated, then added, “A little depressed, not surprisingly.”

“How depressed? Have you had thoughts of harming yourself?”

“No!” Shiina blushed. “I mean…yes, I’m sometimes a bit sad, but I can’t…die; that would also kill my baby. I can’t do that to her.”

“Hmm. Good. But if it ever gets to the point where you don’t think you can handle the stress, don’t be afraid to ask for help.”

Shiina nodded, still a bit confused as to why Dr. Yano was focusing on her mental health. Dr. Yano apparently read the confusion on Shiina’s face, because she said, “Your mental health affects the baby’s health, both directly and indirectly. I want to make sure both of you come through this pregnancy in the best possible shape you can. Single motherhood isn’t easy—both socially and personally, you’re going to face some serious hurdles—but we’ll do our best to help you find resources to make it through, and support you after the birth.”

“Thank you,” Shiina said, touched and relieved. Perhaps I don’t need to do this all on my own—there are people I can ask for help, she realized.

“We have a few different support groups here that you can sign up for; one for first-time mothers-to-be, and another for single mothers. Additionally, after the child arrives there are a couple of support groups/play groups for new mothers and their babies, where you can talk with others who are going through the same things you are.”

“That sounds wonderful!”

Dr. Yano nodded. “It really is; it’s good to be able to talk with others in the same situation, and support each other.”

Dr. Yano pulled a booklet off the shelf next to her, wrote Shiina’s information on the front cover, then opened it up and spent a minute filling in a page with notes from the visit. “Here’s your Maternal and Child Health Handbook. Bring it with you to every check-up, it’s where we’ll record your progress, and you’ll use it to keep track of your child’s immunizations and growth for the first five years of their lives.”

“Oh.” Shiina took the book and flipped it open. It had a lot of pages with spaces to write down various facts about the baby, as well as some basic information to go with them. “Grandmother and I were going to stop by the bookstore to get a pregnancy guide on the way home, but is this…?”

Dr. Yano shook her head. “No, this is more just record keeping and general milestone information. I’d recommend you find the book with the reassuring title of Nothing to Worry About for Your First Pregnancy. It’s a solid overview, and what it doesn’t answer, I can.”

“All right. Thank you.”

Dr. Yano ran a hand through her short, steely-gray hair and sighed. “You’ve got a difficult road ahead of you,” she said bluntly. “Social benefits in this country for unwed mothers aren’t as generous as they are for divorced or widowed single mothers, and the paperwork to even get those benefits can be confusing.”

Shiina’s eyes went wide. “Oh. I…didn’t know.”

The doctor gave her a reassuring smile. “But we can help you with all of that, point you in the right direction. It’s part of what we do.”

“Thank you.”

“And, of course, your grandmothers can be valuable resources—they’ve been hooked into the LGBT community around here since before there was one. Don’t overlook them.”

Shiina was surprised. She hadn’t considered her grandmothers in that light. “How could they help?”

“There are social groups, support groups, and other resources that might help you in getting your feet under you. Point you towards pediatricians or daycares, for example, that don’t care about your sexual orientation or marital status. Things like that.” She shot Shiina a grin. “They found me for you, after all.”

Shiina nodded slowly. “All right. I’ll talk with them.”

“Good.” Dr. Yano stood up, signaling the end of the visit. “I’ll see you in a month. Don’t hesitate to call or visit if you have any concerns before then.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

Shiina stopped at the front desk to make the appointment for her next visit. The secretary gave her a keychain charm with a pink heart containing a line drawing of a smiling mother and baby. “This is your pregnancy tag; before you’re showing, it can be useful to help you get priority seating on busses and trains.”

“Oh!” Shiina looked at the charm. Below the heart was the text “There’s a baby in my tummy!” She blushed at the thought of announcing that fact to the world, when she’d been trying so hard to hide it for the past few months. Even hiding it from myself, she thought with a mental sigh. She mustered up a smile for the secretary. “Thank you!” she said as she slipped it into her coat pocket.

As they left the office, Grandmother Aina said quietly, “You’re not required to wear that tag if you don’t want to.”

Shiina was surprised that her grandmother had noticed her ambivalence toward the pregnancy tag. “It feels weird, announcing to the world that I’m pregnant when I’m not married,” she admitted. “I just…don’t feel like I deserve to use it.”

“Why not? You are pregnant.”

“Mmm.” Shiina thought about that as they walked.

“Well, you can just hold onto it until you’re bigger and your feet are more sore. Maybe you’ll feel like you ‘deserve’ to use it then.”

Shiina laughed. “I’m not looking forward to that part of it.” She rested her hand on her belly. “Though I am looking forward to feeling her move.”

Grandmother Aina chuckled. “Just pray she’s not a future soccer player. At times I was fairly sure your father was going to kick his way out of me.”

“Erp.” That sounded like less fun than just feeling the baby move.

Before heading home they went to a bookstore to find the pregnancy guide that Dr. Yano had suggested. Her grandmother also suggested a trio of intimidatingly thick study guides for the equivalency exams.

“Do you really think I’ll need all of these?” Shiina asked her grandmother, thinking of her limited financial resources.

“They all cover different subjects. Better to be over-prepared than not.”

Shiina bit her lip, then opened her wallet to make sure she could afford them all. “Don’t worry about the cost, I’ll buy them,” Grandmother Aina said.

“But you’re already doing so much for me,” Shiina protested.

“And you’re operating on a limited budget,” Grandmother Aina countered. “We knew when we took you in that there would be overhead costs. We discussed it before you arrived. We don’t expect you will be living with us indefinitely, but at least until the baby is old enough to go to daycare while you work. Whatever that work might be.”

Shiina bit her lip and blinked back tears. “Thank you,” she whispered. She couldn’t believe that someone whom she’d first met just a couple of days ago could be so generous to her and her child.

Grandmother smiled and pulled her into a hug. “Of course, dear. We meant it when we said we’d help you get your feet under you.” She chuckled, and added, “I think the fact that Kasumi never had any children of her own has made you a bit of a…project for her. She’s been very pleased to get to know you.”

Shiina blushed at that thought. A project? I hope that’s a good thing. “I’m glad I get to know her. And you.”

“Good. Now, let’s buy these books, and get on home.”



Life quickly settled into a routine with her new grandmothers. One advantage to not being in school was that she could go to sleep soon after dinner, as her body always seemed to equate darkness with sleep time. But that allowed her to rise early, too. She would have breakfast, then settle in to doggedly plow her way through the study guides they’d purchased. Shiina wasn’t sure what she’d do if she wasn’t going to go to university, but she still took to heart Grandmother Aina’s assertion that it would reflect well on her to have the diploma equivalency. And having something concrete to do helped keep her mind off of her worries. So she studied.

For breaks in her studies, she read the pregnancy guide book. It was a little intimidating, but the more she read and then re-read it the more comfortable she became with the changes going on inside her. Millions—billions!—of women have done this before me. I can do this too.

After lunch, she usually walked to the market with Grandmother Kasumi to buy groceries for dinner, then took a nap before studying some more until dinner time. After dinner, she did dishes, and socialized a bit while with her grandmothers, until Shiina couldn’t keep her eyes open any more, and the cycle repeated itself.

The evening of January second—what would have been her first day back at school, had she not withdrawn—Shina’s phone chirped to notify her of a text message just after she’d brushed her teeth. She opened her phone to check the sender, and her stomach clenched. Shiichan. Her hands began to shake, then she closed her phone and set it down. No. I don’t need to talk to her.

She set the phone on the shelf beside her futon where she put it overnight to charge, and tried to go to sleep. But the phone felt like a weighty presence beside her, impossible to ignore. Slowly, reluctantly, she reached out and picked up the phone, and held it in her hand. What could I say to her? What could she say to me?

The phone chirped again, making her jump; another message received. Shiina struggled to find a way to rationalize talking with Shizune, but her better judgement told her that that was a door better left closed. If she ever found out what I’d done, she’d hate me. Moving quickly, before she could change her mind, she opened the phone and deleted the texts unread. There. That’s for the best. I can move on from her, and she can move on from me.

She burrowed under her comforter and tried once more to fall asleep, but the attempted contact from Shizune had generated enough adrenaline to make sleep elusive. Thinking about talking with Shizune made her realize just how alone she was. It wasn’t that she’d had a lot of friends at Yamaku, but there had been a handful of people who, if not exactly friends, were at least friendly. With whom she would chat in class, or in the dorm common room. My grandmothers are nice, but they’re a bit old to be called friends. She picked up the phone and opened it, looking at her contacts list. It was short, and almost everyone on it was someone she’d needed to contact for class projects or student council work at one time or another. One exception jumped out at her: Miwako.

She stared at her sister’s name. With nine years between them, they had never been terribly close as children, but still, she would say she loved her sister. And she was fairly certain that that feeling was returned. Miwako had been, if not exactly supportive, at least nonjudgmental when she had come out as a lesbian. I wonder if she knows Papa has kicked me out of the family yet?

I just want to hear a friendly voice… She pressed the dial button, and curled up on her side in bed with the phone pressed to her ear. She held her breath as the phone rang. It rang five times, each ring making her more nervous, before Miwako picked up. “Hey, brat. How you doing?”

Shiina blew out a puff of a laugh at that old nickname. “Better now, hearing your voice,” she admitted. “How’re you, onee-chan?”

“Better’n you, I think. Mama says you finally pushed the old man to the breaking point.”

Well, that answers that question. “Yeah,” Shiina sighed.

“Are you really preggers?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit. So you’re not gay anymore?”

“No. I’m still a lesbian.”

“That does not compute.”

“That’s what people keep telling me.”

“Uh-huh. So how’d you get a baby in you if you’re not into dick?”

Shiina couldn’t help it, she giggled at her sister’s crude turn of phrase. Miwako had always been plain-spoken to a fault, their father had often complained. “That’s…complicated.”

“Gimme the short version.”

Shiina stared her stuffed koala bear in the eyes as she contemplated how best to sum it up. “Depression makes bad decisions?”

Miwako grunted like she’d just been gut-punched. “Yeah. That it does, that it does.”

Shiina was surprised at the glum familiarity in Miwako’s tone of voice. “Oh? Have you made some bad decisions?”

Miwako laughed. “Me? Bad decisions? Never,” she said, in an overly cheery tone of voice that clearly contradicted her words. “So when do I get to meet my niece or nephew?” she deflected.

Oh…” Shiina suddenly found herself with a lump in her throat. Miwako actually sounded eager to meet her child. She was the first person to ever do so. She swallowed hard, and said hoarsely, “Mid-July.”

“Hey, shoot for the twentieth, we can share a birthday. That’d be cool.”

Shiina laughed. “I don’t think I get to dictate when she’ll arrive.”

“She? You already know?”

“Uh…no. Not yet. Dr. Yano says we should be able to tell in a month or so. I just…I feel like she’s a girl.”

“Well, you’ve got a fifty-by fifty chance of being right, I guess.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Shiina wondered what she’d do if it turned out to be a boy. She’d still love him wouldn’t she? Of course I would. Don’t be stupid.

“So Mama said you’re living with a ghost?”

“What?”

“Papa’s ‘dead’ mother?”

“Oh, yeah, right. Grandmother Aina. And her girlfriend, Grandmother Kasumi.”

“Wow. A whole gay branch of the family tree we missed out on.”

“Yeah. They’re really nice. They’ve taken me in, and helped me move out of my dorm, and hooked me up with a nice obstetrician, and…well, lots of things.”

“I’m relieved to hear you’re taken care of. Have you talked to Mama recently?”

“Ah…no.” Shiina had sent a brief text to let her know that she’d arrived at her Grandmother’s safely, but hadn’t communicated with her since then. Even when she’d been at school, she hadn’t talked with her mother more than once a month or so.

“Call her, brat. She’s worried about you.”

“Really?”

Miwako sighed. “Of course, really. She’s still your mother, y’know?”

“I guess. I just…” Shiina grimaced as she realized where her reluctance was coming from. “I’m a little angry at her for not defending me to Papa.”

“Eh. I sympathize, but can you honestly blame her? He’s always been a hard-ass. But she has to live with him.”

“I wonder why she does.”

“Love is blind, maybe? Dunno.” Miwako sighed. “It was all I could do to get myself out from under his roof. I don’t think I’m up to rescuing her, too. I was glad when you were able to escape to a boarding school.”

“Until they kicked me out for getting pregnant.”

“So you’re not going back to school?”

“No, today would’ve been the first day after break. I’m studying to take exams for a diploma equivalency.” She looked at the pile of thick books stacked on the desk across the room and tried not to whimper. “And studying was never my strong suit.”

“Ahh, you can do it. You’re much smarter than you let on—even to yourself.”

“Thanks?” said Shiina dubiously.

“But seriously, call Mama. She’s worried about you.”

“I suppose I should. I just worry about Papa overhearing her talking to me.”

“So call her during the day while he’s at work, dimwit.”

“Dimwit? I thought you just said I was smart.”

“About some things. You never were very smart about handling our parents.”

“Handling them?”

“I mean, I sure as hell wouldn’t have come out to them if I was gay. At least, not to Papa. That was just asking for trouble.”

“Yeah. That was a mistake,” Shiina conceded. She wondered anew where she’d found the naïve courage to come out to her parents when she was just fifteen. That weird bravado that had propelled her forward had vanished in the face of her father’s wrath, but by then the damage had been done.

“You probably could have waited a couple of months before telling him about the pregnancy, too.”

“Maybe. But Mama noticed right away, and I’m not sure she could have kept it secret from him.”

Miwako grunted. “Yeah, pro’ly not. Water under the bridge, in any event. Uh...” She took a deep breath before asking, a shade too diffidently, “So, how are you feeling?”

Shiina thought about it for a moment. “Surprisingly okay. I mean, not great, but okay. Grandmother Aina and Grandmother Kasumi have been absolutely wonderful in supporting me—they found me a wonderful obstetrician, a friend of theirs, who’s really cool and nice, more than I ever hoped for in a doctor. And they seem committed to helping me and the baby as best they can.” She swallowed against a sudden lump in her throat. “More than Mama or Papa did, for sure.”

“Wow. Pretty amazing, for someone you didn’t even know existed a month ago.”

“Yeah. They’re the best. I’m just sad I never got to know them while I was growing up.”

“Yeah, sounds like Papa screwed the pooch with that one.”

Shiina giggled. “Yeah. I kinda feel like Grandmother Kasumi has adopted me—she never had kids of her own, so I’m getting all her bottled up maternal concern. It’s…nice.”

“Sounds like it. I’d like to meet them sometime.”

“I’d have to ask them, but I’m sure they’d love for you to visit.”

“Sweet. I’m glad they’re putting you up for now. I mean, I’d take you in if I had to, but my apartment is already cramped for one, let alone three.”

“Three? Oh, yeah, right.”

“And baby makes three, yeah.”

“Mama said you’re living in an eight-tatami apartment?” Shiina found it hard to imagine living in such a constrained space.

“Closer to seven, but, yeah. But I’ve been saving money since I got a new job last summer, and I’ll be able to move to a new place soon. Hopefully one without a shared toilet and bath.”

“I feel like I’m living in the toilet, these days. For something that’s still so tiny, the baby sure presses on my bladder a lot.”

Miwako laughed. “I’d heard that. Not something I look forward to.”

“Oh? You think you’ll do this someday, too?”

“Eh…in theory, sure. But first I’d need to get married, and to do that I’d have to find a boyfriend I can tolerate for more than three months.”

“You don’t need to get married to have a baby,” Shiina reminded her sister drily.

“Hah. Say rather, I want to get married first. In theory.”

“Fair.” Shiina sighed. “Heavens know this is doing it the hard way.”

“Well, you always did like running headlong into walls.”

“Say, um…when you do move into a larger apartment…I don’t know how long I can impose on my grandmothers, here, and, uh…” Shiina trailed off, too embarrassed to ask outright.

Our grandmothers,” Miwako corrected her. “But, yeah. I’ll keep an eye on the possibility of a place large enough for two. Three. Not that that’s very cheap, in Tokyo.”

“You plan to stay there?”

“For now, yeah. It’s where my job is, and, exorbitant housing costs aside, it’s a great place to be.”

Shiina found the idea of living in such a densely populated area slightly intimidating. Her home town, Shibata, had less than ninety thousand residents. Sendai was quite a bit larger, but Yamaku had been located on the outskirts of the city, in a more rural area. “Well, maybe it won’t come to that,” Shiina said, trying to sound more optimistic than she felt. “I’ll get a job doing…something…around here, and apartments are probably more affordable in Natori than in Tokyo.”

“That’s a given.”

Shiina yawned hugely, making Miwako laugh. “You still pass out with the sunset?”

“Yeah. I guess I can fall asleep now.” Talking with her sister had soothed the anxiety that the texts from Shizune had provoked.

“Call Mama, brat,” Miwako said by way of farewell.

“I will, I will. Thank you, onee-chan. G’night.”

“Good night.”




Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2023 4:30 pm
by Lap

For the next several days, at around seven in the evening, Shiina received a text message from Shizune. Deleting the messages unread became easier with repetition, but she was surprised when they stopped coming after only five days. That’s a relief, she thought to herself. Trying to convince herself. It didn’t take her too long to give up on me.

Despite her assurances to Miwako, Shiina didn’t call their mother. Every time she picked up the phone to call, her stomach clenched in a knot. What if Papa is nearby when she answers? She tried to force herself to call a few times, then gave up. I’ll call when it feels right.

She was doggedly working her way through her history study guide Wednesday afternoon when Grandmother Aina knocked on the open doorframe to get her attention. She had a bemused look on her face. “Shiina? There’s someone at the door asking to see you. She handed me a note saying she’s deaf, and her name is Hakamichi.”

Shiina felt her face go pale, then hot, at that name. She dropped her head into her hands. “Nooo…not Shicchan.”

“Ah. This is that girl you had a crush on?”

Shiina nodded. “Can you tell her I’m not here?”

Her grandmother shook her head, looking regretful. “I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve already told her you were at home.”

“How did she even find me?”

“You could ask her. If she took the effort to find you and come here, don’t you think you should at least talk with her?”

Shiina stared, unseeing, at the study guide in front of her. Finally, she nodded. “Okay,” she said dully. “Tell her I’ll be down in a minute.”

Her grandmother left and Shiina stood up and looked at herself in the mirror, something she generally avoided doing of late. She was in loose sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt and sweater, the better to accommodate her growing belly and breasts. She’d unhooked her too-tight-for-comfort bra a couple of hours ago as she’d studied, and she reached behind herself now to re-hook it. Her hair was unkempt, with at least two centimeters of dark brown hair at the base of the pink, and she hadn’t put on makeup in days.

Her bra re-fastened, she grabbed a brush and ran it through her hair, trying to make herself look at least a little less pathetic. She considered changing into something more presentable, but realized that she really didn’t have anything nicer that fit anymore. She tugged the sweater down over her belly, and regarded her profile. She wasn’t actually showing that much, yet. She wondered if Shizune might think she was just putting on weight, not pregnant. I wish.

She realized she was stalling and sighed. Squaring her shoulders, she headed downstairs to face Shizune.

She heard her grandmother in the kitchen, and glanced in to see her preparing a tray of drinks and cookies. Looking the other way into the living room, she saw Shizune sitting on a chair, perched on the edge, her posture erect and tense. She was dressed in black slacks and a pale blue snowflake-patterned sweater. Even before seeing them, Shiina was sure the sweater would complement Shizune’s blue eyes beautifully.

Shizune looked up as Shiina entered the room, and her eyes went wide.

Yes, lovely. [Hi, Shicchan,] Shiina signed. Then she couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Shizune apparently was having the same problem, because her hands twitched, as if on the verge of signing, but she said nothing. She stared at Shiina’s mid-section, and Shiina folded her arms across her belly.

Her grandmother walked past her into the room carrying a tray with two glasses of iced barley tea and a plate of cookies. Shiina tried to smile at her, grateful for the distraction. “Thank you, Grandmother,” she said.

“Of course, dear.”

Shiina began to sign simultaneously as she spoke. “Grandmother, this is my…classmate, Shizune Hakamichi. Shicchan, this is my grandmother, Aina Ogura.”

Shizune rose and bowed to Shiina’s grandmother. [Please pardon the intrusion. Thank you for inviting me in,] she signed, apparently assuming Shiina would interpret for her. [It is a lovely home.]

“You are most welcome,” Grandmother replied as she set the tray on the coffee table in front of the couch. “But I think I should leave you two alone to talk, for now.”

[Thank you,] Shizune replied. [That is most gracious of you.]

Shiina felt a mixture of gratitude and terror at the notion of being left alone with Shizune, and as her grandmother departed she had a momentary urge to beg her to stay. To do what, protect me from Shicchan? She sighed, and turned to face Shizune, who had resumed her rigid perch on the edge of the chair.

After an uncomfortably long moment, Shizune arched an eyebrow and asked, [Are you just going to hover in the doorway like a cat?]

Shiina blushed, and fully entered the living room. She sat gingerly on the couch across from where Shizune sat, the table between them. She picked up a glass of tea and took a sip, still at a loss for what to say. Shizune likewise took a sip of her drink, then set the glass back down. Shiina stared at the tray on the table, unable to meet Shizune’s eyes.

Shizune waved her hand over the tray to draw her attention, and Shiina looked up. Shizune said, [You’re not just getting fat, are you?]

Shiina blushed and set down her own glass so she could reply. [That’s not a nice thing to say to a girl, Shicchan.] She laid a defensive hand on her belly.

Shizune frowned. [Don’t give me that crap, Misha. Fat women don’t pat their bellies. Pregnant women do.]

Shiina hastily dropped her hand from her belly, not that it mattered. [So?]

Shizune glowered and clenched her teeth tight. [So? So?] She glared at Shiina for a long moment, breathing heavily. [Who’s the father?]

Shiina shook her head. [That’s…none of your business.]

Shizune narrowed her eyes. [I think it might be.]

Shiina didn’t reply, unable to think of a comeback for that. I never could win an argument with Shicchan, she thought sadly.

[Goddamnit, Misha!] Shizune’s signs were broad, expansive, and fast—the sign language equivalent of shouting. Her facial expression added to the intensity of her words, looking both furious and hurt. [If you won’t tell me when something is wrong, I can’t help you!]

Shiina jerked back, startled. [Help me?] she repeated blankly. Yes, Shizune definitely looked hurt.

[Yes, help you!]

Why…how…? Shiina wondered, shaking her head in disbelief.

[I assume you’re not planning on having an abortion, since it looks like it’s getting a little late for that.]

Shiina hunched up her shoulders defensively and nodded.

[Are you going to put it up for adoption?]

[No. I want her. I want this baby.]

Shizune scowled. [Do you have any idea how difficult life is for unwed mothers?]

[I’m not expecting it to be easy. But I still want her.]

[Your parents might not let you add an illegitimate baby to your family registry. Then where will you be? Life will be hard for both of you, from the very beginning.] Shizune shook her head disapprovingly. [You’re not thinking this through.]

[I am too! I’ve thought about it a lot.] Sometimes it felt like it was the only thing she thought about aside from the study guides.

Shizune closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, looking pained. Opening them again, she asked, [Does Hisao know?]

Shiina briefly considered denying Hisao’s involvement, but realized doing so would be futile. It wasn’t as if there were any other boys she’d been at all close to in the past year or so. [No. I don’t want to tell him.]

Shizune grimaced at this confirmation of her assumption about the baby’s paternity, but she soldiered on. [Why not?]

[He’d want to do the right thing.]

[You mean marry you.]

[Yeah. And I don’t want that.]

Shizune’s jaw was clenched so tight that Shiina worried for her teeth. [Why not? You were willing to fuck him.]

Shiina flinched at the obscenity. [That was a mistake.]

[Didn’t you once tell me that you preferred women?]

Shiina nodded.

[Then why…?]

Shiina ran a hand through her hair. [Everyone keeps asking me that.]

[With good reason.]

Shiina stared at the plate of cookies and tried, once again, to articulate where her heart and head had been at the night of that pivotal mistake. If anyone deserved more than the glib answers she’d given her sister and Dr. Yano, it was Shizune.

[I was…sad. Unhappy. No, more than that, I was depressed. I wanted…] She glanced up at Shizune for a split second, then resumed staring at the food. She swallowed hard, suddenly glad she was signing, because she was fairly certain she wouldn’t have been able to force these words out past the lump in her throat. [I wanted to…to not be. I wasn’t just depressed, I was numb.] She glanced briefly at Shizune, and saw that she not only looked angry, she looked hurt. [Somewhere deep inside, I knew doing…what I did…would hurt you. Hurt Hicchan. But I…I was so empty. I couldn’t care. I just…]

She stopped there, unable to finish her train of thought. Eventually, Shizune snapped her fingers to get her attention, forcing Shiina to look up at her. [Why?]

Shiina stared at Shizune. I might as well just get this over with, then I’ll never have to see her again. [You. You and Hisao. You were leaving me behind. I wanted you. I couldn’t have you. But he could. I heard you fucking him, you know, at your house.] She deliberately used the same vulgarity that Shizune had used. [You weren’t very quiet about it.]

Shizune blushed at that, but still looked angry. [So? Were you trying to come between us? Make sure that we didn’t get back together?]

[No! Not that. I mean…] Shiina hesitated, wondering how to put her roiling emotions into words. [I was desperate to feel something. Anything. And I wanted a friend, someone to be there with me. To know what I was going through.]

Shizune’s eyes glittered. [You couldn’t have talked to me? Instead you had to fuck him?]

Shiina slumped. [No. I mean, yes, I did…have sex with him, but I…]

Shizune again snapped her fingers, and Shiina glumly looked up. [I can’t understand what you’re saying when you’re curled in on yourself like that.]

Shiina reluctantly sat up straighter, making her hands more visible.

[I could tell you were depressed, but I didn’t know about what. Couldn’t figure out how to help you. Why didn’t you tell me?] Shizune asked.

Shiina gave a humorless laugh. [I couldn’t talk to you about my problems.]

[Why not?]

Shiina felt a flare of anger, surprising herself. [Did you ever talk to me about your problems?] Were we ever really friends, Shicchan? Or was I just your voice, your tool?

For the first time, Shizune looked uncomfortable, slightly unsure of herself. Shiina felt a small measure of satisfaction at that, which quickly turned to self-loathing, that she would relish Shizune’s discomfort.

They regarded each other in silence for a long moment, and Shiina began to wish that Shizune would leave. Then Shizune asked, [When?]

[When what? The due date?]

[When did you fuck him?]

Shiina felt increasingly uncomfortable with Shizune’s language. It was so unlike her to use such crude terms. And yet, she couldn’t deny that it probably was the most accurate term. She certainly couldn’t call what she’d done with Hisao “making love.” “Having sex” felt too neutral. “Fucking” really was the only word to describe what had happened between them.

She gritted her teeth and repressed a shudder as she involuntarily recalled laying under Hisao as he panted above her, thrusting painfully into her. She’d wished she were with Shizune, or anywhere else, really, and yet she’d also been all too aware that she had put herself into that situation. She’d pretended to have an orgasm, just to get it over with, and thankfully he hadn’t lasted too long after that.

Apparently annoyed with Shiina’s non-response, Shizune asked, [Okay, then when is the due date?]

[July 12,] Shiina responded without thinking. She saw Shizune’s expression turn inward for a moment, and she realized her mistake—telling Shizune the due date was indirectly telling her the conception date. She could tell when Shizune had calculated backward nine months because her face went pale.

[Before,] Shizune began, then stopped, breathing heavily. She stood up abruptly, and Shiina thought she would storm out of the house, but she didn’t. She stood, facing Shiina across the table, almost vibrating with tension. Her hands twitched several times, as if she were struggling to articulate something and failing. Tears began to well in her eyes, tears of hurt and betrayal.

Shiina buried her face in her hands, not wanting to see that anger and betrayal on Shizune’s face, not wanting to see what she had to say. She heard Shizune move around the table, so she wasn’t surprised when Shizune grabbed her hands and yanked them away from her face, so she could talk to her again. Shiina reluctantly looked up at Shizune standing in front of her.

[Before. You fucked him before we broke up.]

Shiina felt her own tears dripping down her cheeks. Tears of shame and loss. Loss of her friend, whom she’d harbored vague fantasies up until now of maybe someday reconciling with. But not now. It’s all over now, she thought miserably to herself. I knew it. She hates me.

Shizune raised her right hand, not to sign, but as if to slap Shiina. Shiina steeled herself against the blow, but did not flinch, did not try to dodge. She lifted her chin and met Shizune’s gaze, waiting for the blow she felt she deserved. Do it, Shiichan.

Shizune stood poised to strike for a moment, tears dripping down her cheeks, then she clenched her hand into a quivering fist and lowered it. She flexed her fingers for a moment, as if to loosen them, then wiped angrily at her face before signing, [I won’t strike a pregnant woman. But I swear to god I’m going to slap you silly after this baby is born.]

Shiina frowned and wiped away her own tears, confused. After? What after?

[Are you seeing a doctor for prenatal care?]

What? Shiina felt a moment of mental whiplash at the change of topics. She nodded slowly, confused.

[Good.] Shizune startled Shiina by sitting down next to her on the couch. Shiina had fully expected her to storm out of the house, so her continued presence was confounding. Shizune turned sideways to face her, and Shiina, reluctantly, did likewise. [If you’re going to do this, you do it right. Take proper care of yourself and the baby.] She gave Shiina a critical look. [You look like shit. Exhausted.]

Shiina gave a short, bitter laugh. [Pregnancy doesn’t make for easy sleeping. And worrying about the equivalency exams doesn’t help, either.]

[What’s that?]

[Exams I take to get the equivalent of a high school diploma, since I won’t be graduating from Yamaku.]

Shizune frowned and looked sad at that. [I’m sorry you can’t graduate with me.]

Shiina shrugged. [Yes, well, I don’t think I could have kept this]—she patted her belly—[secret through to the end of the school year. And at least this way I have something like a diploma.]

Shizune nodded approvingly. [That’s good. Keep your options for the future open.]

Shiina wondered why Shizune was talking about her future. She was still amazed that Shizune hadn’t slapped her and stormed out of the house. Was still willing to talk to her. In fact, had sought her out to talk to her in the first place. Which raised another question. [Shicchan, how did you find me here?]

To Shiina’s surprise, Shizune blushed. Her lips tight, she looked aside and said, [I looked up your address in your student record.]

Shiina frowned. Student records were something they’d never had access to while they were running the student council, let alone afterwards, now that Shizune was no longer president. [How did you do that?]

[That’s not important.]

[It’s my record we’re talking about. You lectured me about how private student records are when we were in the student council. You taught me the word ‘sancrosact.’]

[Sacrosanct,] Shizune corrected, then sighed. [I used Mrs. Noya’s login. She was never very careful about using it in front of me. Not that ‘123456’ is a very secure password.]

Shiina’s jaw dropped. [Shicchan! You broke into the student records with someone else’s login?]

Shizune waved a hand, as if trying to dismiss the magnitude of her transgression. [Yes, well, no one would tell me where you had gone, you weren’t answering my texts, and I had no other way to find you!]

[If you’d been caught it would have been a huge black mark on your record! They might have even thrown you out of school!]

Shizune shrugged. [It was an acceptable risk. Minimal. I was careful.]

Acceptable risk? Getting kicked out of school was an acceptable risk? [Why would you do that?] she asked incredulously.

Shizune glared at her. [Because I needed to find you!] Her face was red, and she was breathing heavily.

[Me?]

[Yes, you. How else could I ever make things right between us if I couldn’t see you again?]

Shiina was shocked to see that Shizune’s eyes looked bright, like she was holding back unshed tears. [But I…] Shiina began, then trailed off, unsure as to what to say. She felt overwhelmed, knowing that Shizune had risked so much to find her. She was still bewildered by the fact that Shizune hadn’t already stormed out of the house after the revelation of when the baby had been conceived.

Shizune stared at the cookies in front of them, scowling. Not looking at Shiina, she signed, [I knew that I’d hurt you. That part of why we weren’t talking anymore was because of how I’d treated you. Taken you for granted. I wanted to patch things up, to fix our relationship, but…] Shizune flushed. [I was afraid.]

Shiina wanted to ask, afraid of what?, but Shizune wasn’t looking at her, wouldn’t see her question.

[So I kept putting it off. Told myself that I would sit down with you for a heart-to-heart after exams, after winter break, after we weren’t so busy studying.] Shizune snorted and shook her head. She finally looked back at Shiina. [As if we wouldn’t be even more swamped cramming for the Center Tests after winter break,] she admitted, with a sardonic smile.

Shiina hesitantly smiled back. [Third year…is rather busy.]

[Yes.] Shizune took a deep breath, sat up straighter. [And then, I got back to school and you were gone. Without a word, and you wouldn’t answer my texts. Mutou and Mrs. Noya merely told me that you’d withdrawn, and couldn’t, or wouldn’t, say why.]

[I thought that maybe I could forget about you. About what had gone wrong. Just wipe the slate clean. Start over again at university, make new friends, and not have all these past mistakes weighing me down. But you being actually gone was worse than when we weren’t talking, before winter break. Before, I could always tell myself that we could patch things up someday, eventually, even if we weren’t talking just then. But with you gone, I felt like I’d driven you completely away, beyond any chance of our talking and reconciling. I hated myself for it.]

Shizune ran a hand through her hair. She stared off into the distance, looking pensive. Shiina just watched her, shaken and utterly unable to guess what was going through Shizune’s mind, uncertain of what to say back to her.

At last, Shizune looked back at Shiina and offered her a wry smile. [I thought that if I could forget you, I could move on. But I couldn’t just forget you. Couldn’t write you off, write you out of my life.]

Shiina’s eyes went wide, and she bit her lip. She couldn’t possibly mean…

Shizune correctly interpreted her body language, because she quickly added, [I’m not in love with you. I’m straight. But…] She blushed. [You’re my friend. My best friend. And I decided I’d be stupid to let that friendship—let you—disappear from my life without at least trying to fix things up between us. Even if I failed, at least I’d know I had tried.]

Shiina chewed her lip. Still struggling with her disbelief, she felt compelled to ask, [Knowing what you do now about…the conception, do you still…?] She trailed off, watching Shizune’s face, trying to fight down the tentative surge of hope she felt welling up in her heart.

Shizune shoved her glasses up her nose in a gesture so familiar that it made Shiina’s heart skip a beat. She realized that Shizune also looked weary, almost as weary as she felt. [Now…now, I’m furious at you, but…] Shizune shook her head, then shrugged. [So I’m not the only person who made mistakes. Your mistake]—she glanced down at Shiina’s belly—[may be larger than mine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to correct my own mistakes. I can be mad at you and still value your friendship. Apparently.] She gave a small rueful smile at that.

[Thank you,] Shiina said meekly. [And, I’m terribly, terribly—]

Shizune slashed a hand through the air, cutting off Shiina’s words with a glare. [Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry. ‘Sorry’ is insufficient for what you did. I’m going to be angry at you for a while.] She paused, and blew out a breath. [But…I still want you to be in my life. In one way or another.]

Shiina swallowed another reflexive “Sorry,” and instead asked, [And what about…Hicchan?]

Shizune pursed her lips in a moue of distaste. [What about him?]

[Have you…made up with him?]

Shizune rolled her eyes. [Hardly. I might have been tempted to try and mend our friendship, if not our relationship, but he’s too busy taking solace in the arms of that one-handed bitch.]

[He’s dating Miki?] She remembered Miki rubbing her back and being nice to her after she’d thrown up in the cafeteria.

[Dating, fucking, whatever.] Shizune waved a dismissive hand. [Him I have no interest in mending fences with.]

[I’m sorry.]

Shizune gave her an exasperated look. [What for? I’m better off without a boyfriend who would sleep with my best friend.]

Shiina winced. Yeah, she’s going to be mad about that for a while… But at least there would be a while, a future, for them to look forward to. Something she’d lost hope of ever having again.

Suddenly, Shizune’s stomach emitted a low whining rumble, and Shiina ducked her head to hide her smile. [Would you like a cookie?]

Shizune flushed. [Was that audible?]

[Yes.] Shiina gestured to the plate of cookies. [Try the little square ones, Grandmother Kasumi made them. She’s a really good cook.]

[I thought your grandmother’s name was Ogura?] Shizune took a cookie and bit into it.

Shiina hesitated a moment, then said, [She is. But Grandmother Kasumi is her partner. Her girlfriend. Wife. Whatever.] I hope Grandmother doesn’t mind me pushing her out of the closet… But from all she’d seen so far, the elderly couple was remarkably open about their relationship. It must be nice to be so old you no longer care what others think about you.

Shizune arched an eyebrow as she took another bite of the cookie, then set it down. [So, you’re not the only lesbian in your family?] she asked as she chewed.

Shiina picked up a smaller cookie and popped it whole into her mouth. [Yes, but I didn’t know that until a few weeks ago, when Papa kicked me out of the house. I’d always thought that his mother was dead.]

[Wait, he kicked you out of the house? What?] Shizune looked confused.

Shiina wondered what was confusing about that, then she realized she’d never said. She waved a hand, indicating the house around them. [This isn’t my house, the house I grew up in. I grew up in Shibata, Niigata. My grandmothers took me in when Father disowned me.]

[Disowned you?] Shizune’s eyes went wide.

[Well, verbally, anyway. I don’t know if he’s actually written me out of the family registry or not.] The thought made her stomach clench.

[Why, because you’re pregnant?]

[Because I wouldn’t have an abortion like he demanded.] The thought of ending the life inside her still made her shiver.

Shizune scowled. [That’s not his decision to make.]

Shiina smiled at that very Shizune attitude. [That’s not what he thought. But my grandmothers took me in, for which I’m very grateful.]

Shizune looked around the living room, as if seeing it anew, as a place that was almost as new to Shiina as it was to her. Shiina looked around too, and wondered what her life might have been like, had she grown up here. With two loving grandmothers who accepted her for who she was, who she loved.

[He probably hasn’t changed the registry,] Shizune reassured her. [Despite what the TV dramas show, that’s not an easy thing to do.] Shizune popped the last bit of cookie into her mouth. [So, I take it your father wasn’t happy with his mother’s lifestyle choices?]

Shiina laughed mirthlessly. [Yes, you could say that. He’d always told me she was dead. What he actually meant was, she was dead to him. Like I am now…] A wave of sadness washed over her at the reminder. Her father may be hard and distant and unfair, but he was still her father, and, despite his actions, she still loved him. No longer having him in her life still felt like a loss. She stared at her feet as she blinked back sudden tears. I hate how easily I cry these days. She was startled when Shizune reached out and awkwardly patted her shoulder. She looked up to see a sympathetic look on her face.

[I’m sorry,] Shizune said. [My father may be difficult, and we fight a lot, but I’ve never doubted that he loved me.]

Shiina closed her eyes and rubbed her face, banishing the tears by force. Looking back up at Shizune, she said, [Well, just don’t come home to him gay and pregnant.] She rested a hand on her belly.

Shizune’s mouth twitched. [Usually, one would think those two to be mutually incompatible.]

[I’ve never done things the easy way,] Shiina conceded. She took a sip of tea, and bit into another cookie.

As she chewed, she felt like Shizune was studying her intently. [What?] she asked cautiously.

Shizune sat back and regarded her for a moment, and Shiina suddenly felt all too aware of her unkempt appearance, her baggy clothing and two-toned hair. She fought the urge to cross her arms, to hide from view.

[Are you really okay?] asked Shizune at last.

Shiina almost reflexively replied Of course I’m fine, but she stopped herself. If we’re going to try to actually be friends…she deserves the truth. [Well, lately…I’m scared.] Then she stalled, uncertain how to proceed from there.

Shizune nodded. [I’d imagine bringing new life into the world could be frightening.]

[No, I mean, yes, it is, but that’s not all. I do worry that having this baby might be a mistake, I worry about her health, that I’ll be a good mother. I’m scared that giving birth will hurt. All that stuff. But mostly I’m just frightened of the future—what will I do? It’s bad enough that my father kicked me out of the house. I don’t think I can impose on my grandmothers forever. Where will we live? How will I support us? What kind of job can I get, with just a high school degree? Who will take care of the baby while I work?]

Listing all her worries out like that to someone else for the first time made them all seem all that much more overwhelming, and she rested her elbows on her knees and buried her face in her hands. She knew that Shizune couldn’t talk to her when she was like that, but she just needed a moment to regroup.

Surprisingly, Shizune didn’t pull her hands away from her face, didn’t force her to see what she had to say. Instead, Shiina felt that somewhat awkward hand on her back again, gently patting her, as if to say there, there. Awkward as it was, Shiina nonetheless took some comfort from it, relaxing a little at Shizune’s touch. Taking a deep breath for courage, she sat back up again, and gave Shizune an apologetic smile. [Sorry.]

Shizune shook her head. [You’ve nothing to apologize for. I asked. And those are all very real and reasonable fears. But…]

Shiina was amazed to see Shizune suddenly look bashful, an expression she’d never before seen on the face of her forceful and forthright friend.

[But, you don’t have to face them all alone,] Shizune continued. [I mean, assuming you still want to be my friend.]

Shiina felt herself tear up again, but this time she didn’t fight it. [You really want to still be my friend?] She still couldn’t believe that Shizune wasn’t going to hold the pregnancy against her. She could live with Shizune being mad at her, as long as she got to still be in her life.

[If you’ll have me.]

Shiina laughed through her tears. [Of course I’ll have you! You’re my best friend, too. And I…I’ve missed you.] Seeing Shizune for the first time in weeks, she realized just how much she’d missed her. She’d repressed that particular emotion, feeling like she didn’t deserve to miss Shizune when she’d betrayed her so badly in the first place.

[Yeah. I’ve missed you too. I know this won’t be easy, but please let me help. I want to help. However I can.]

Shiina was amazed. Shizune had always seemed to her to be the mistress of “Stand on your own two feet!,” exhorting others to try harder and do more. This kind of compassion felt unprecedented in Shiina’s experience. [Thank you. I’m not certain just how you can help, but knowing that you want to means a lot to me.]

[Damn it. Now I’m going to have to find a three bedroom apartment,] Shizune said, looking put-out.

Shiina frowned, confused by the apparent subject change. [Why?]

Shizune shot her an exasperated look. [We’ll all need our own rooms. I know you’ll probably want to sleep with the baby at first, but they’ll need their own room eventually. Best to plan ahead.]

Shiina just stared at Shizune, so dumbfounded she was unable to even sign. When she said she wanted to help, I didn’t expect this. She flapped her hands mutely and shook her head.

[What?] Shizune asked, echoing Shiina’s own internal question.

[I…you can’t, Shicchan,] Shiina protested weakly.

Shizune frowned. [Why not? I can afford it.]

Shiina hadn’t even considered the financial side of things. [It’s not that. I mean…I mean…] She stared at Shizune helplessly, trying to figure out how to phrase her objections.

Shizune frowned, and suddenly looked uncertain. [I’m sorry, would living with me be too uncomfortable? I mean, if you’re still…um…] She trailed off, blushing.

[No. That’s not it. I don’t think…] Shiina paused, startled at a sudden realization. [I don’t still have a crush on you. I just like you as a friend.]

Shizune looked relieved at that.

[But that’s not why I was saying you can’t do that,] Shiina said, trying to get back on track.

[Why not?]

Shiina struggled to put her instinctive reaction into words. [I don’t want to be a burden on you. I don’t want to just take from you. Be indebted to you. A charity case.]

Shizune frowned at her. [You’re assuming I would get nothing out of this arrangement. I don’t agree.]

[What could you possibly get from me living with you?]

[For starters, the peace of mind of knowing that my best friend isn’t living on the streets with her infant. Pragmatically speaking, having a hearing roommate who can sign would be invaluable. But even more than those, I want to live with a friend. Someone I like, not some random stranger. And if you feel uncomfortable about the differences in our financial contributions, I will happily leave the cleaning and cooking to you. Though I do expect you would get a job, eventually.]

[Of course I would.] Shiina remembered talking about living spaces with her sister. [You’re going to university in Tokyo, aren’t you?]

Shizune gave a smug little smile that looked like she was trying to look modest, and failing. [Assuming my Center Test scores are good enough]—

They will be, Shiina thought.

—[I’ll be going to Todai, yes. I have a provisional admission.]

Of course Shizune was going to the most prestigious university in Japan. [My sister lives in Tokyo, and is about to look for a larger place to live.]

Shizune’s eyebrows shot up. [That’s…interesting.] Shiina couldn’t help but notice that Shizune looked less than enthusiastic about the idea.

[I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be pushy. I just thought…]

Shizune pushed her glasses up her nose and sighed. [That wasn’t pushy. It’s just, well…as much as I like you, I’m not sure I could handle living with two Misha’s.]

Shiina giggled. [Actually, you wouldn’t have to live with any Misha’s.]

[What?] Shizune looked confused.

[I’ve started using my real name. Shiina. I’m not Misha anymore.]

Shizune blinked, looking utterly nonplussed for a long moment. [Okay…why?] she eventually asked.

[Misha was a silly girl. I need to be a less-silly woman. A proper mother.] She patted her belly. [I want to be someone different from the girl I was in high school. A good mama.] She bit her lip, wondering if Shizune would think she was being ridiculous or pretentious. Maybe even laugh at her.

But Shizune didn’t laugh; she smiled warmly. [You were never a silly girl. But I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother.]

Shiina blinked back tears. [I hope so. But I’m not sure why you think that. Hanako said the same thing.]

Shizune’s eyebrows shot up and she sat back away from Shiina, looking hurt. [Hanako said?]

Shiina could read Shizune’s expression: Hanako knew about your pregnancy, and I didn’t? She hastened to explain, [I bumped into her while moving out of the dorms, and she figured out why I was leaving. I didn’t tell her.] She’d choked on the words while trying to tell her, but she hadn’t told her.

Shizune still looked a little hurt, but she nodded. [I understand. And she certainly isn’t a gossip.]

Shiina nodded, glad that Shizune wasn’t too upset that someone else at school had known before she did. [She and you both said I’ll be a good mother. But I don’t know how you can predict that. I’m afraid I’ll be a terrible mother, even though I’m gonna try my best not to be.]

Shizune shook her head. [You’ll make mistakes,] she said bluntly. [You won’t be a perfect mother. But no one is. And you have…] Shizune paused a moment, blushing slightly, then went on sturdily, [Your personality is so bright and cheery, and you have so much love to give that I’m sure any child would be lucky to have you for their mother.]

Shiina gave a slightly hollow laugh. [I certainly haven’t been feeling ‘bright and cheery’ lately.]

Shizune nodded, conceding the point. [Understandable. But…I hope it doesn’t stay that way forever. I’ve missed your laughs.]

Shiina couldn’t help but giggle at that notion. [You can’t even hear my laughs!]

[No, but I can see them. Your smile, and the way you laugh with your whole body can be heartwarming.] Shizune smiled. [Seeing your happiness was sometimes the high point of my day.]

Shiina blushed and looked down, taken aback by that admission. She knew that some of her classmates had disliked her laugh, had found her overly loud and obnoxious. The thought that Shizune of all people had actually liked her laugh made her smile softly to herself. Of course, it took someone who can’t actually hear my laugh to enjoy it…

[So would you be willing to at least meet my sister? It could help to have someone else making a decent wage to help pay rent.]

[What does your sister do?]

[She’s a computer programmer.]

Shizune’s eyebrows shot up, looking impressed. [Not a typical job for a woman. I like her already.]

[Like I said, we’re not much alike. She’s nine years older than me.]

[Well, I could certainly meet her, anyway.]

[Honestly, I think you two might get along pretty great. She’s very straight-forward and strong. You remind me a bit of her.]

Shizune’s mouth twitched in a barely repressed smile. [Are you sure you could handle living with two people like me?]

Shiina laughed. The relief she felt that Shizune was still talking to her, and was even willing to entertain the notion of living together, buoyed her spirits, made her feel better than she had in months. [The thought of living with you still feels odd, but I’ll think about it. Even If I don’t move in with you, just the fact that you offered makes me incredibly happy.]

Impulsively, she leaned over and wrapped her arms around Shizune. After a startled twitch, Shizune returned the hug, and they sat that way for a long moment. “Thank you thank you thank you,” Shiina murmured, even though she knew Shizune couldn’t hear her, hoping that some of the sentiment would come through in her hug.

After a long hug, they broke apart, and they both wiped at their eyes to dry them.

“Well, it looks like this conversation went well,” said Grandmother Aina. Shiina looked over to the doorway to see both her grandmothers there, peering curiously into the living room. Shiina pointed toward the door, drawing Shizune’s attention to the pair.

Shizune blushed slightly, and sat up straighter, then, noticing Grandmother Kasumi, stood and bowed in greeting. Shiina went through interpreting introductions again between them.

“Would you like to invite her to dinner?” asked Grandmother Kasumi.

[Would you like to stay for dinner? Grandmother Kasumi’s making shrimp tempura tonight; it’s very good.]

[I appreciate the invitation, but I really should get back to school. I can’t afford to spend any more time away from my studies.]

Shiina winced, feeling a pang of guilt at that.

Shizune gave her an exasperated look. [That is not to say that I regret taking this time away from my studies! This was important, too.]

Shiina smiled shyly. [Thank you, Shiichan.]

“In that case, would you like a ride back to Yamaku?” Grandmother Aina asked Shizune.

Shizune bit her lip, looking uncertain for a moment. [If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I would appreciate getting back to my studies sooner. The bus took a couple of hours.]

“No trouble at all,” Grandmother Aina assured her.

Shiina sat with Shizune in the back seat, so they could turn toward each other to talk. The setting sun would soon make conversation difficult, but there was enough light for the forty-five minute drive to the school.

They spent the time catching up on the past few months, when they hadn’t been talking with each other. She told Shizune about what being pregnant was like, and what she could expect. Shiina giggled at Shizune’s dismayed expression when Shiina listed some of the side-effects of pregnancy that she could look forward to.

Shizune told her about her winter break—mostly studying for the Center Tests, but she’d also gone skiing with her father and Hideaki one day. [I felt a little guilty taking time off for it, but Father persuaded me that exercise would be good for my brain. And I was more relaxed afterwards. So maybe he was right.]

The time flew by as they chatted, and Shiina felt more relaxed than she had in many months. All too soon, they pulled up at the ornate gates in front of Yamaku. They got out of the car and Shizune said her thanks and farewell to Grandmother Aina.

Shiina stared up at the gates. [I never thought I would be back here again; certainly not so soon.]

Shizune frowned. [It doesn’t seem fair that you can’t graduate with us.]

Shiina shrugged helplessly. [I don’t think I’m going to change their minds about pregnant students any time soon. Even if I had the time and energy to do so.]

[Damn it. I don’t have the time for that battle either. Not with the tests coming up.] Shizune looked frustrated and a touch guilty.

[Don’t worry about that, Shicchan. I’ll get my diploma one way or the other.]

[But you won’t get invited to the high school reunions.]

Shiina giggled at that. [I haven’t really been worrying about that.]

[Yes, I suppose you’ve had larger issues on your mind.] Shizune pushed her glasses up her nose and smirked at Shiina. [If you can’t come to the reunions as a graduate, I’ll just have to bring you along as my date.]

“Wahaha~!” For the first time in months, Shiina laughed whole-heartedly, her whole body shaking. Shizune grinned back at her, enjoying her laugh. [Oh, that will get people talking, Shicchan!]

[Let them talk. You’re my friend.]

Shiina felt her eyes tear up at that, and she smiled at Shizune. [And you’re mine. Thank you, Shicchan.]

[My pleasure, Mish—er, Shiina.] Shizune pulled her into an embrace, and they hugged for a long moment.

Breaking apart, they both wiped their eyes dry, then Shiina said, [Good luck on the Center Tests!]

[And to you on yours. And Shiina?]

[Yes?]

[Answer your damn texts!]

Shiina smiled, her heart lighter than it had been in months. [I will,] she promised.

With one final wave, she turned and got back into the car with her grandmother. She stared at Shizune’s retreating back as she entered the school grounds, never looking back.

“Is it well?” Grandmother Aina asked as she started up the car.

“Pardon?”

“Have you patched things up with Miss Hakamichi?”

“Yeah.” Shiina sighed happily. “Yeah, better than I’d ever dreamed possible.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Me too.” Shiina couldn’t believe how much better she felt. For the first time since discovering she was pregnant, she didn’t fear the future. She knew that there were still problems ahead of her, many many problems, but knowing that Shizune didn’t hate her, still wanted to be her friend and wanted to help, made them all seem much more surmountable.

Thinking of insurmountable problems reminded her of her parents, and Miwako’s admonition to call their mother. It had been too daunting a task for her face at the time, and she had kept putting it off, but now it didn’t feel quite so monstrous a task. I talked to Shizune, and that worked out okay. I can talk to Mama.

“Grandmother? Would you mind if I called Mama?”

Her grandmother smiled, eyes on the road. “Of course not. That sounds like a wonderful idea.”

Taking a deep breath for courage, Shiina tapped the entry for her mother’s cell phone. It rang…and rang…and rang. Shiina was about to give up and hang up when there was a click, and her mother’s breathless voice, “Misha? Is that you?”

A world of maternal love and concern was conveyed in just those five syllables. Shiina could feel yet another weight lift from her shoulders. She giggled, feeling a little giddy. “Hi, Mama.” She took a steadying breath, and corrected her mother: “No, it’s Shiina…”


Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2023 4:31 pm
by Lap

Epilogue


Shiina looked through the shoe rack in the entryway of the apartment a second time, trying to find her shoes. “Miwako? Have you seen my black flats?” she called down the hall. When there was no answer, she shook her head at her mistake. Right, she’s doing overtime this week, with that awful deadline looming over her.

“Mama?” Takara toddled into the entryway, followed by Shizune.

Shiina smiled distractedly at her daughter. “Hi sweetie, have you seen my black flats?” she asked, not that she expected Takara to understand or answer. She repeated the question in sign to Shizune.

[Takara was playing with some shoes in the living room. I think they’re supposed to be boats?]

Shiina scooped up Takara and gave her a kiss as she walked into the living room. Takara giggled at the kiss then squirmed to be put down. Shiina found her shoes and several others under the living room table, with small plastic animal figures sitting in them. She dumped out the animals in her shoes, prompting Takara to protest, “No, Mama! No! Boat boat!”

Shiina patted Takara’s head “Sorry, sweetie, but Mama needs her boats. She has to go to class.”

This time it was Shizune who scooped up Takara to give her a hug and a kiss, trying to distract her from her dwindling fleet. Shiina hurried back to the entryway, slipped on her shoes, then picked up her backpack. She slung it onto her shoulders to free up her hands, and asked, [Are you sure you’re okay with me coming home a little later tonight?]

Shizune, her arms full of Takara, simply nodded.

[Dinner’s in the fridge, all you have to do is heat it. I promise I won’t be later than ten o’clock or so.]

Shizune rolled her eyes and set Takara down. [Takara will be asleep long before then. It’s no additional work for me. Just go, and enjoy your date.]

[It’s not a date! We’re just going to get coffee and talk about our presentation after class.]

Shizune smirked. [And that’s why you’re wearing your nicest blouse? And makeup? It’s a date.]

[I’m not even sure Atsumi is interested in women. Calling it a date might be premature.]

[From all you’ve told me, the signs are strong she’s into women. Or at least, into you.]

[Mama, what “date?”]

Shiina suppressed a groan. Out of all the unfamiliar words she and Shizune were tossing around, that had to be the one Takara picked up on? [Ask Auntie Shii,] she said. [I have to run.] But she looked at herself in the entryway mirror and grimaced. Maybe I shouldn’t have put on makeup…what if Atsumi prefers my usual look? Makeup and fancy hairdos had been early casualties of becoming a mother; she most often went naked-faced and with her long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail.

Shizune huffed a silent laugh and nudged Shiina toward the door. [Say goodbye to Takara and go. You’ll be fine. Text me if you hit a homer and won’t be back until morning.]

[Shicchan!] Shiina suddenly didn’t need makeup, as her cheeks flushed bright red. [It’s just a first date! Nothing like that is going to happen!]

[Oh, so now it is a date?] Shizune asked, her eyes wide and expression innocent.

“Arrgh!” Shiina flapped her hands in wordlessly signed frustration.

“Arrrrgh,” Takara parroted, also flapping her hands and giggling.

Shizune was laughing her silent laugh, clearly enjoying herself far too much. She picked up Takara and waved to Shiina, trying to get Takara to do likewise.

Shiina shook her head and glowered at her best friend. She leaned in to give Takara a kiss. “Bye bye, sweetie. Be a good girl for Auntie Shii. Love you bunches.”

Takara looked uncertain at this, but, prompted by Shizune, she waved to Shiina. “Bye bye! Luvoo!”

Shiina waved back and slipped out the door, grateful for the cool air on her hot cheeks. She was glad that it didn’t seem to be like tonight was going to be a tearful parting for Takara. Fortunately, Takara was almost as close to her aunties Shii and Mii as she was to her mother, and of late had been protesting being separated from her mama less and less often. Soon she’ll be able to go to preschool. The thought gave her heart a little lurch.

Shiina hurried down the street to the subway stop and darted through the ticket gate, swiping her phone past the reader as she did so. Rush hour had just ended, so the crowds weren’t too bad.

She was lucky enough to find a seat on the train, and sat down with a small sigh of relief. She looked up and around the subway car at the crowd of people around her. To think that only two years ago I was petrified to take the subway by myself. And now I’m using it like a real Tokyoite. It had taken trailing along with Shizune or Miwako for half a year to gain that confidence, but she’d gotten there.

After living with her grandmothers for a bit over a year, Miwako and Shizune had finally agreed to move in together, along with Shiina and the then-nine-month-old Takara. And now, two years later, she was working on getting her teaching certification for sign language. She was glad she’d been able to test out of most of the sign classes, based on her proficiency and prior classes taken at Yamaku. That left her with just a couple of advanced sign classes and a year and a half of classes on how to teach. She was grateful both for being able to skip what would have been tediously basic courses, as well as for the financial savings.

The last couple of years had been mostly good, but there had been some bumps along the way. There had been times when Shiina was sure Shizune was going to kick her out into the street, babe in arms or no. There had been a couple of times when Shiina had wanted to throttle Shizune, no matter how much she loved her. There had been more than a few times when Shizune and Miwako had gone head-to-head, two strong people clashing as only they could. Shiina was pretty sure that Miwako had only been partially joking when she said that she started to learn sign language just so she could properly curse at Shizune. And know when Shizune was cursing at her.

Yet the three of them, oddly matched as they were, all drew together around Takara. She was the glue that bound them together. All three were fiercely protective of her and loved her dearly, and despite their differences, they recognized and respected that about each other.

Takara’s first words had been in sign language, a month before she ever said “Mama” out loud—signing [Hungry] in clumsy but recognizable hand motions. Shizune had been smugly pleased with that. [See, signing is easier than talking!] she taunted Miwako, who was just beginning to learn sign at that point.

Miwako had rolled her eyes. [Babies are language learning machines. I’m no longer a baby.] Over half her words were finger spelled, but she was at least able to talk to Shizune, even if she couldn’t yet understand everything Shizune said.

Arriving at her stop, Shiina exited the subway station and paused for a moment under the bright lights of the city around her. She glanced at her reflection in a store-front window, and decided she was glad she’d put on makeup. And this is a pretty blouse. She hoped Atsumi thought so too.

“Shiina!”

Shiina jumped slightly, then turned to see Atsumi approaching, a smile on her face. Shiina’s stomach fluttered slightly at the sight of the tall slender woman. “Hi, Atsumi,” she replied. She could feel her face break into a large, foolish smile, and she blushed.

Atsumi touched her arm. “That’s a lovely blouse. What’s the occasion?”

“Oh…nothing much. I just felt like wearing something nicer than t-shirts for a change.”

“So you’re not dressed up for a date or something?”

“Ah, well, I am having coffee with someone after class.” She held her breath, wondering how Atsumi would react. I’m pretty sure she’s one of us, but if I’m wrong…

Atsumi blinked, looking startled, then a small warm smile spread across her face. “Fancy that. So am I.”

Shiina let out a whoosh of air and giggled in nervous relief. “So, I mean, if you wanted to call it a date, I’m open.” She readied a comeback of “Just kidding!” or some such in case Atsumi reacted negatively.

Instead, Atsumi linked her arm through Shiina’s and started them walking toward class. “I think I might like that.”

Shiina thought she could feel Atsumi shaking a little through that touch. I wasn’t the only one who was nervous. She smiled up at the taller woman. “Then it’s a date,” she said firmly.


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2023 6:03 pm
by hdkv

I started reading this fanfic when I was drinking my cup of tea. Mistakes were made.

I like this story, and like that, despite all struggles, Shiina was able to give birth, raise a child with help of her more sane part of family and Shizune, and find happiness in the end.

I don't like the notion of leaving responsibility only to Shiina. Child creation process usually involved two people, you know. So, Shiina will struggle as sole mother, and Hisao will just chill out in Miki's hands? Not good. I think, given that Shiina's notion of Shizune hating her after revealing the truth was incorrect, her other notion (that Hisao would force her to marry to make things right) is also wrong, and she should have at least inform him of baby, so he could get the chance of taking his part of responsibility. Their sexual intercourse was a mistake, but that was a mistake done by both parties, and it's unfair that Shiina took all the consequenses on herself.

Anyway, as always, good story from one of my favorite writers, thank you!


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2023 12:13 am
by Frankyo

Thanks for the super wholesome Shiina fic, I’ve read a fic on Misha getting pregnant on another site and was definitely into that what-if scenario. I like the message of the right friends and family supporting you through difficulty but also agree that Hisao deserves to take some responsibility.


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2023 11:54 am
by Feurox

So I was fortunate enough to have my eyes on this months ago, or maybe a year ago now? Time's arrow is relentless huh.

I thoroughly love this story and always have. Not that I'm surprised, you always bring depth and nuance to your stories that make them profoundly about simple things, human ideas and desires and fears, and somehow even more gruelling reality than even I can achieve in my stories. (I'm told that's high bar, by you).

Misha / Shina's primary antagonist in this story is herself. I suppose that's why some others have noted a tangible absence of Hisao in the story. After all, Misha, in her eyes, sees sleeping with Hisao as possibly the single most defining self-sabotage that she was capable of. In my opinion, as satisfying as it would have been to see Hisao take a verbal (or physical) beating in this story, doing so would have cheapened just how significantly Misha / Shina had grown, and would allow Hisao an opportunity to appear sympathetic. The ethics of whether it's fair that Misha / Shina doesn't tell him aside, this story has no room for Hisao - she didn't sleep with Hisao because he was the person he wanted, she sleeps with him for that single decisive moment of self-sabotage and to test the limits of her own agency and power. Confronting Hisao means acknowledging his role in this story, but he doesn't have one. He isn't the catalyst for Misha's / Shina's emotional metamorphosis, he's only the physical catalyst for her bodies transformation. A story that involved him would no longer be about Misha / Shina, which was the story you wanted to tell. So while I understand people's desire to see that in this story, that isn't what this story was about - and I think that's a strength, not a weakness.

The star of the show is Misha / Shina's struggle with her identity and the power of her name. The moment of definition for Shina isn't the birth of her child, where this story could easily end, but instead on her final decisive action to be the person she actually is as opposed to the person she pretended to be. The moments where this shines brightest being those moments where the guise of Misha slips or is seen through. Hanako and Shizune' s scenes are massive highlights here, especially Hanako's for me. She recognises Shina, not Misha, and I think it serves as a sort of mini-fulcrum within the story as Misha / Shina stops defining herself by her false self, and starts to really recognise her authentic self. The confrontation between Shizune and Misha serves a similar purpose, but by then it has added emotional weight because finally Shizune and Shina interact as equals, as authentic selves.

The irony of that interaction being facilitated by what effectively represents Misha's suicidal act of self-destruction isn't lost on me. But it isn't Misha that stands in front of Shizune, it's Shina, and I think partially that's why Shizune doesn't strike her - and why Shizune can move on with her as friends.

Anyway, I really like this story. You should be proud of it. It speaks to an anxiety of identity that I think is peripheral in all of our lives, and it results in about as happy as a story like this can be. For all but one.

Consequences of Comfort also has it's own delicious irony. It's not Misha that lives with those consequences, it's Shina.


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2023 12:05 pm
by NoticeMeOppai

Lovely work again Lap, was a privilege being able to get an early look at this one. Regarding Hisao's non-involvement, Feu's already said far more than i could ever articulate above but yeah, it's Shiina's story, not Hisao's.

also

hdkv wrote: Sun Nov 12, 2023 6:03 pm

Hisao will just chill out in Miki's hands?

hand

sorry not sorry.


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2023 12:32 am
by guthrum06

This is great. I always wish there were more Misha stories out there, and this was a brilliant premise that was very well executed. Shizune and Shiina making up gave me some serious feels.


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2023 10:27 am
by Sharp-O

Hot damn, what an emotionally resonant story! Genuinely got choked up during Shiina and Shizune's conversation. Fantastic work on this, Lap!


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Tue Nov 21, 2023 12:20 pm
by Oddball

I'm tempted to say that this has quite the emotional punch, but that feels like underselling it. This is more along the lines of an emotional getting-the-shit-kicked-out-of-you. It feels like for very much of the story, you're kicking Misha while she's down. While it would be easy to oversell this and make a wrong move, it actually comes across as quite effective and makes the ending with Shizune feel all the more rewarding.

The epilogue may have been a bit unneeded though.


Re: Consequences of Comfort

Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2023 11:38 pm
by StealthyWolf

You've done it again Lap! Amazing story all around with some really interesting ideas and twists put into it.

First thing I want to get out of the way, and not spend too much time on, is in relation to Hisao. I agree that this was certainly not his story, nor would it have been a good idea to spend much - if any - time on him, but for me the thing I did want to see done do him was some justice. The way I read it, Hisao at this point in the story is emotionally unstable and is taking advantage of the kindness offered by others. Maybe it's just the way I read it, but Miki seemed like someone who genuinely just cared about others around her and Hisao is using her just like he used Misha when Shizune and him started having issues. Then he just gets away with it. Sure he's likely living a sad life, but Shiina has a child to raise now in no small part due to his selfish and careless actions.

Though that's all I want to spend on him because this story is about Shiina and Shizune, but mostly Shiina. The way she navigates through the stages of grief and the actions that followed were tough to read. Completely isolated, facing the scariest realization a teenager/young adult could possibly face, finally accepting who she herself is, and realizing the gravity of her mistakes all at once. Brutal. Then to top it all off her relationship with her parents is not great either. Yet the way she still stood her ground, made and stood behind her choices, and chose to move forward despite all of these mounting issues was a fantastic display of her character. Thoroughly enjoyed that.

Then comes some of the larger story-beats and swings. How the LGBT+ community was represented and people presented here was quite nice to read. Not to mention the sibling relationship, which is something I wish more media were able to present well. I grew up with 4 siblings, all close in age (2-3 year gap between each), and the way siblings can grow to help support each other is dire times is such a unique bond. Not to mention the different level of understanding only your siblings could have when it comes to parent problems. I don't see enough of it so the display here was another great addition. Her aunts were also fantastic and I loved their backstory as well. Given how Shiina's interactions with her dad went, it was a natural development of the story and was indeed handled really well.

Finally comes Shizune. Boy that was a difficult conversation to get through. The tension was palpable. It was like Shiina was finally reaching a point where a "new normal" was setting in and maybe she was through the storm, then it all comes back for one last swing. Had it gone wrong, this might have sent her spiraling in a bad direction again, but Shizune came with a goal and she will not stop until she's tried every last option to get to that point. She knew things were bad between her and Shiina, she knew there was likely a story she didn't want to hear, she knew it was going to hurt, but despite all of that what she wanted most was her best friend back. And if Shiina hadn't also grown so drastically over the course of this story that may not have been possible, but she had and so it was.

I also wanted to mention that I really liked the writing style of this story as well. The majority of fanfics around here are in 1st person perspective likely thanks to it working so well with the setting here, so 3rd person is rather rare. You're writing and usage of the perspective was done really well and gave the story another layer of its own unique taste that does it good.

I wanted to add a section about criticisms but in reflection they're all just kinda nit-picky, so in conclusion thanks for yet another great read and amazing story!