Yamaku: The Next Generation (COMPLETE!)

[guthrum06]

"Wow, you really did it mom."

She laughs, "I know, right?"

We are standing in the living room of a small house that is only three doors down from ours. It's where my grandparents will be living in less than two months.

It has only one story and has everything they will need. They wanted a much smaller house, and this is it. One bathroom, one bedroom, but a spacious living room and a nice kitchen. It also looks like it was recently renovated. The appliances are very shiny.

"I can't believe you found a house this perfect and this close to ours."

"Why not? I'm amazing."

I laugh, "I know you are, but still."

She laughs, "Well it took some doing. The owner was trying to sell it, but I charmed him into renting it for a few years first."

I raise an eyebrow at my mom, "Charmed? Does that mean 'feminine wiles'?

She giggles. "Maybe a little. It might have helped looking this good." She gestures towards herself. "But mostly I just wouldn't leave him alone. And I also showed him that he could make more money in the long run if he rented it to us for a little while before selling it."

"Well, whatever you did, it's really great. Do you know how happy they are going to be?"

"Very, I think. I already gave them a little video tour. They are excited. I am too. It will be really nice having them so close."

I hug my mom, "Yep. They can walk over for dinner every night. Grandpa can beat you at chess every day. Grandma will tell stories about her little Hichan and talk about how much she loves her little Kaychan. It'll be great."

"Excuse me, did you say he will beat me every day?"

"Oh. I meant to say 'play you' every day. Sorry."

"The man's 84. Surely, I can beat him a decent chunk of the time now. He was never as good as your father, you know!"

"I know mom, I'm just teasing. You're good at pretty much everything. Gotta tease you for your chess deficiencies. I don't have anything else to make fun of."

---

I'm leaving the nurse's office in very high spirits this morning. My wrist is finally well enough for me to play piano again. I thought I might still be in the immobilizer for another week, so it was a nice surprise. I missed about a month of practice all because I punched the asshole-who-shall-not-be-named.

Even though I've been sitting with Hideki and visualizing things, I have some serious catching up to do if I want to perform at our concert in a few weeks. But it is possible for at least one or two songs if I take some extra time. Hideki would have done most of the songs anyway, so it may not be a big difference in the end.

...

When I get to class, Ai and Carsten are very happy to see that my wrist is better. They know that it has been more upsetting to me than most of my injuries because of how I got it and how long it has kept me from playing the piano.

Ai makes an especially big deal about it in a way that a certain someone will overhear.

"I'm so glad your wrist is better, Kayoko. How did you hurt it again? Was it…chasing a rat out of your room? Or was it...squashing a cockroach? Cleaning up a really nasty stain? Or maybe you were...throwing out some garbage?"

I can't help but giggle at each of her silly scenarios.

Carsten whispers to her, "Okay, we get the picture, how many more of these do you have?"

"Oh, I could keep going. But I guess that's probably enough. I really am happy for you, Kayoko."

I smile at her, "Thanks." And then I whisper, "I kind of want to hear some more of those at lunch."

...

At lunch, Akari and Michi are also excited to see that my wrist is better.

He says, "Hey, that's great! That means you'll get to play with us today, right?"

"Yep! It should. At least for part of practice."

"D-do you think you'll get to play at the concert?"

I sigh, "I really hope so. I will probably need to stay after practice and do some stuff on my own to get to that point. But if I don't punch anyone, I should be able to get enough practice in."

Michi looks confused. I guess he doesn't know this story.

Akari explains, "Sh-she punched a guy who wouldn't stop trying to g-get in her room. Wh-when I tried to help get him to leave, he said s-some mean stuff to m-me. That's when sh-she hit him."

"Ohhh. Sounds like he deserved a punching. Was it worth it?"

"You know what? I think it was. Even having that thing for a whole month. Don't tell my mom I said that though. She's still kind of upset I decided to punch someone with the condition I have. Less concerned about the actual punching though..."

...

When I get to band, my aunt is very happy to see that my wrist is unencumbered.

"That thing felt like it was on forever, didn't it?"

I laugh, "If you felt that way, imagine how I felt. Do you think I will be able to catch up in time for the Winter concert?"

She thinks for a moment, "I think so. It might be close. But you're really good, and you've been following along with Hideki, so I think you can do it for a couple songs."

I nod, "Okay. I will do my best to make that happen."

She leans in and whispers, "Yeah, maybe don't punch anyone until after the concert."

I sigh, "My mom told you, huh?"

She laughs, "Yep. Well, it will be good to have you back."

Hideki isn't here yet, so I walk over to the piano and start practicing a bit, at least loosening up my wrist some. When he comes, he's as excited as anyone to see me back in playing shape. He sits down next to me on the bench and says, "Do you want to do all the practice today?"

"Thanks. That's nice of you, but you should practice too. I don't have enough time to get good enough at all of them to perform. So, I was just thinking I would do two of them."

He nods, "That makes sense. Well, it's good to have you back. You can still sit on the bench to visualize, too. I think it will help you going forward."

I nod, "Yeah, that's a good idea. Guess you'll have to put up with me being in your way a little bit for a while longer."

He smiles and says, "It's kind of nice to have some company, actually."

Practice goes well, although I am certainly not where I should be, even for the two songs I practiced.

When practice is over, Hideki asks, "Hey, do you want to get some food in the cafeteria to celebrate your return?"

I say, "No thanks. I think I'm going to stay here awhile and go through these songs again. I think I have to if I'm going to catch up."

He puts his things down, "Okay. Do you want some help?"

"That's okay. Didn't you say you wanted to go eat?"

He picks his things up again. "I…did say that didn't I."

I smile at him. "Yep. But maybe some other day this week? I would like your help for sure."

He nods, "Okay. That sounds good. See you tomorrow, Kayoko."

---

Akari has been dating Michi for a month now, and it has been going well. She went with him and some of his friends to Sendai on a day trip. It's amazing she's able to do that, but I think her anxiety has improved enough to make that kind of thing more doable.

I spent the day doing homework or practicing the piano. Hideki stopped by for a bit and really helped me tighten a section of one of the songs I have been struggling with. He's been a great mentor to me. Without him, I don't think I would have any hope of being ready for the concert in time.

Shortly after I get back to my room from the band hall, there's a knock on my door. I open it to find a very sad looking Akari looking back at me.

"What's wrong?"

She comes into my room and looks up at me and says, "W-we broke up." Tears are falling down her cheeks.

I hug her and put my hand on her head. "Aw, I'm sorry. I thought things were going really well."

She nods and continues crying softly.

"Th-they were, mostly. He's a great g-guy in a lot of ways. Especially when it was just me and him. But…he couldn't or…wouldn't understand my s-social anxiety. He g-got mad at me for it a few times when I d-didn't want to go s-somewhere or if I had an attack. I t-told him I'm d-doing my best, and I can't control it. And he acted like he understood every time we h-had that talk. B-but then he did the s-same thing every time. I c-couldn't take it anymore today. We w-went with his friends to the city to do some karaoke, and I t-told him I w-wasn't sure I w-wanted to sing. That I w-would go and see how I felt. He said he understood. I mean, even just going with him to be around p-people I don't know that well and t-talk to them was hard. But then he tr-tried to get me to sing, and I said n-no. He l-looked at me like I was r-ridiculous. Like he was embarrassed b-by me. Just for f-feeling how I do. I c-couldn't take it anymore. So, I br-broke up with him and left. I've g-gotten a lot better, but I will a-always be anxious. I need s-someone who understands, and he d-didn't."

"I'm sorry Akari. It does sound like breaking up with him was the right thing."

She nods, "Y-yeah. I'll miss him, b-but I feel like it was right."

"Can I ask…why you didn't tell me about him being like that sooner? It sounds like it was going on for a while."

She breaks the hug and looks up at me, "It was… But…I thought you might be struggling with stuff. After he became my b-boyfriend you seemed… l-less happy. Sometimes I would look over at you during lunch and you looked…sad. I didn't want to bug you about this."

I frown, "Yeah. You're kind of right. I was happy for you, don't get me wrong. But…at lunch and stuff I felt a little…I dunno, insecure? Jealous? I was the only single one around you two couples. I'm sorry. I didn't think people could tell. I…really should have tried harder. Because I could have been there for you sooner."

"You also should have told me how you were feeling, you know. I t-tried to get you to a couple times."

Shit. She's right.

I look down and say, "Yeah…good point. I felt bad for feeling that way…so I didn't want to tell anyone. But you're right. If I had told you, it probably would have helped us both." I look back up at her and smile. "Do you want to do a girl's night with my mom tomorrow night? I was thinking of visiting anyway and a breakup seems like a good reason for one."

Her face brightens up a little and she nods, "Yeah, that would be nice. D-do you think we can invite Ai?"

I smile at her, "You really do like her now. I'm impressed."

She laughs, "I kind of have to. She was such a big help at the beginning with M-michi. She didn't have to be. I know she's a good p-person."

"Well, that's great. Yeah, I will check with my mom first and then see if Ai can come."

"Okay. I think I'm g-going to lie down."

She leaves the room and I call my mom. She answers quickly.

"Hey sweetie, how are you today?"

"Pretty good, got lots of piano practice in. So, that's good."

"Oh? Is that older boy still helping you?"

She somehow hasn't done this about Hideki yet, but I knew it was inevitable.

"Yes, Hideki's still helping. He's my mentor. It's a club. He's kind of supposed to."

"Yes…I suppose so."

"Anyway, this isn't about me. Akari and Michi broke up."

"Oh? That's too bad. So, a girls' night tomorrow then?"

I laugh, "Yep. You got it. Also, we'll have a fourth, potentially. I haven't asked her yet but wanted to clear it with you."

"I'm sure that will be fine. Who is it?"

"Ai."

"Oh? That's the one who was 'all over Carsten' if I recall correctly?"

I laugh, "Yep, the very same one. Akari finally warmed up to her. They're friends now."

"Well, that's nice. Yes, she can come of course. Will she be staying the night too?"

"She might. I will let you know once I talk to her."

"Okay, well I look forward to meeting her. Talk to you later sweetie."

After hanging up with my mom I call Ai.

Carsten picks up. It really is like they live together.

"Hey Kayoko, how are you?"

"I'm good, Ai, how are you?"

He laughs, "Guess you would have called me if you wanted to talk to me, huh? Here she is."

"Sorry about that, Kayoko. He's a goof. What's up?"

"Akari and I were going to go have dinner with my mom at her house tomorrow and stay the night there. Do you want to come?"

"REALLY?" (Carsten in the background: "why so loud?")

"Um…yeah?"

"This is one of your girls' nights, right!?"

I guess it makes sense she is aware of them. Makes me feel kind of bad since we've never invited her before.

"It is. We wanted you to come."

"I definitely will."

"Great! Do you want to stay the night too or just hang out?"

"I will stay the night." (Carsten in the background: What? Why? Where?)

"It's one night Carsten, you'll be okay!"

Ai giggles, "She says stop complaining, Carsten. He's pouting now. Hey, how is your mom set up for wheelchair stuff?"

"The house is pretty good for it since I need one sometimes. There's even a ramp. Oh, Carsten should probably help load it into the car though. I can't lift stuff that heavy and my mom and Akari are so tiny."

She laughs, "Got it. Thanks. Well, I'm really excited. Thanks for the invite."

After completing the calls, I go and use the restroom. On the way back, I notice a faint sound coming from Akari's room. I get closer to the door, and I can make out enough to tell that she's crying.

I knock on the door. "It's me, Akari. Do you want some company? I understand if you just want to be alone too. I'll just go back to my room if you don't answer."

I stand there for a few seconds, and just as I'm about to turn around, she opens the door. The light is off, she's wearing her bright pink pajamas. Her face is tear stained.

"You c-can come in."

She gets back in the bed, so I close the door behind me and get in it with her. She's done this for me before and it really helped. I hug her from behind.

"Is this about Michi?"

She's crying a little as she says, "Yeah. I just…I know breaking up with him was r-right. But I already miss him. He texted me he was sorry and he wants to b-be with me. That triggered this."

"You don't think there's any chance he could do better?"

"N-No. He had four chances to do b-better. He didn't. He j-just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand me. It doesn't mean he's a b-bad person. It does mean he isn't r-right for me."

"You're right."

"B-but I'm worried. He may not have been great with my anxiety… but he m-made me feel so g-good about myself. I'm a l-little worried I won't f-find someone else who thinks I'm so pretty."

"He wasn't some really unique guy for being attracted to you. There are a lot of guys out there who think the same about you, you just don't know it. Trust me, if you could read their minds…you'd see just how much they like you. It might be a little scary, but you'd know."

She giggles. "Y-yeah? I g-guess that may be true. He's still the f-first who really made me feel it, you know?"

"I do. And it stinks that it didn't work out."

She sighs. "It d-does. But it does feel right. It will be hard for a little bit. But I know it was the r-right thing."

"Agreed."

"Thanks for snuggling m-me. It helped."

I laugh, "It helped when you did it for me too."

She rolls over and smiles at me and says, "Good."

"So, Ai is coming tomorrow, and she is very excited about that. I think she has been a little jealous of our girls' nights for some time."

She laughs, "Yeah, that'll be nice."

---

The four of us are waiting in the parking lot for my mom.

"There's her car."

Carsten is looking at Ai like he's never going to see her again. He says, "I'm going to miss you, babe."

"You're going to see me tomorrow, you know."

"Well, yeah, but…"

"I'll miss you too, okay. But I'm also looking forward to this."

My mom pulls up and she gets out of the car and opens the trunk. She looks a little stressed.

"We have Carsten here, so we don't have to lift the wheelchair. Not until we get to the house, at least."

My mom looks relieved.

Carsten asks, "Is that the only reason I'm here?"

Ai responds, "No…not the only reason…You're also going to put me in the car."

Carsten scoffs.

My mom giggles, "Oh, I can tell I'm going to like you. Hi, Ai, I'm Kayoko's mom."

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Nakai."

The two do have some similarities, that's for sure. Sometimes similar people hate each other, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Carsten picks up Ai and Akari opens the back door of the car.

She asks Ai, "Are you going to be okay when we g-get there?"

"Yeah, I don't have to have someone carry me for this. There's a board that Carsten will put in the trunk that I can use to do it on my own. But when I have this option, I do like it." She gives Carsten a quick kiss on the lips. "Thank you, babe. I'll see you tomorrow."

He sets her down in the seat and looks far too sad about their temporary parting.

I walk up behind him and pat him on the shoulder. "We'll take good care of her, okay Carsten?"

He smiles at me and hugs me and quietly says, "Yeah. Thanks for inviting her. She's really happy."

...

We're at my mom's house and got here without too much difficulty. Akari and my mom were able to team up on the wheelchair, so it wasn't too hard to get out of the trunk, and Ai is able to transfer herself from car to wheelchair using the board she mentioned.

My mom is cooking dinner, and I'm showing Ai around the house. And Akari too, but she's seen it before. Ai sees the family picture from a couple of years ago and studies it for a surprisingly long time.

"Oh, I guess you don't know. I'm adopted. That's why they don't really look like me."

"Oh? That's cool. I didn't know that. But that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking…your dad was really good looking."

Akari giggles.

I look from one of them to the other in exasperation. "Did you two plan this?"

Akari giggles again. "We really didn't."

"Plan what?" She pauses for a moment and then turns to Akari. "Oh, do you think he's hot too?"

She laughs, "Very."

I sigh, but I know mom loves this. I loudly say, "Mom!" so she can hear it from the kitchen.

"Yes, dear?"

"We have another admirer of dad in the house."

Just like last time, she appears next to us incredibly quickly.

She sighs happily as she gazes at him. "He was a good-looking man, that's for sure."

Ai says, "Yeah he was. You're a lucky woman."

She smiles broadly at Ai, "I am, aren't I?"

"Okay, what is it about my dad? Are all petite women into him or something?"

My mom giggles, "Not a bad theory given the three of us, but remember Saki was not exactly petite. She was built more like you. I think there were several other girls during our student days who had crushes on him too, and they weren't all petite. I think it's just all women. Well, the ones with good taste anyway."

The three of them giggle together while I roll my eyes. My mom goes back to the kitchen and the three of us go to the living room.

Ai asks Akari, "How are things going with Michi?

Oh yeah. I didn't tell her. I guess maybe it's better to hear from Akari anyway.

Akari looks down "We b-broke up. That's why we wanted to do a girl's night."

Ai gets a serious look on her face. Something that is rare. "I'm sorry. We'll talk about it with Kayoko's mom, right? So, you don't have to tell me anymore right now."

Akari nods. "I know it didn't work out in the end. B-but it wouldn't have happened at all without your double date idea and how you helped when you were there. That was amazing of you. And Carsten."

Ai smiles, "No problem. I have anxiety too, you know? I get that it can be hard. I was happy to help."

"Y-you have anxiety?!"

Ai laughs, "I do. Not the same as yours. Mine…kind of all revolves around this thing." She slaps the side of her wheelchair. "I have a lot of insecurities about my disability, basically. In some situations, I am incredibly anxious."

Akari nods, "Wow. I didn't know."

Ai laughs, "That's because I do everything I can to cover it up. How's stuff on the boys front for you Kayoko?"

"All's quiet on the boys front. The…situation with the jerk-who-shall-not-be-named really soured me on romance. I haven't looked at a guy and even thought about anyone that way since."

Ai says, "Yeah, I think I would probably feel the same after that guy."

Akari nods.

My mother comes into the room and in a mock formal voice says, "Ladies, your dinner is served."

This makes us all giggle as we head to the dining room.

Today it looks like my mom went with curry fried rice with tofu. As usual, it's amazing. Everyone is pleased. Also as usual, after we finish eating is when my mom is ready for the girl talk part of girls' night.

"So, Akari. I understand you and your boyfriend broke up?"

"Yeah. I b-broke up with him yesterday."

"What led to that?"

"Well, he c-couldn't understand my anxiety. I…think he tried. But he still didn't get it. I gave him lots of chances. But he always got upset with me for being anxious, and I had enough."

My mom nods, "That makes sense. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but it is important to find someone who understands you. I think you did the right thing."

Ai adds, "Yeah. I have some anxiety issues too. And if Carsten didn't get it, it wouldn't work. Um…it's embarrassing, but this is girls' night, right? So, I'll share." She looks to each of us, and we all nod in turn.

"When we were first dating, and we were apart for the summer I really convinced myself Carsten would find a girl who wasn't…wheelchair bound like me, and he would be much happier with her because it would be easier for him. I thought I wasn't good enough for him. And I had so much anxiety about it, to the point where I was anxious if he was slow to respond to a text. Luckily, Kayoko convinced me to talk to him about it, and he understood. He didn't call me crazy or anything. He just told me he understands that I feel that way sometimes, but that he loved me, and he didn't want to be with anyone else. I still sometimes get self-conscious about it. He doesn't make me feel bad about it. He doesn't say 'How many times do I have to tell you this isn't a problem!' He just tries to help make me feel better." She looks at Akari and concludes, "Anyway, my point is…He understands my baggage, and I think you did the right thing in breaking up with someone who didn't understand yours."

Akari was listening to every word intently. I think it's still hard for her to believe that Ai could be so insecure, but when she finishes, Akari says,

"Thanks a lot for sharing that. G-gives me an idea of what to look for when guys encounter my anxiety." She laughs, "M-makes me feel less crazy too to know that you have some issues."

My mom adds, "Kayoko's dad and I both had a lot of baggage. Most of it related to grief. I lost my father, and he lost his first wife. I guess you could say we had matching baggage." We all giggle. "It helped us understand each other and that's a big part of why we worked. Pretty much everyone has baggage. It's part of who we are. We can try as hard as we can to make that baggage…smaller. And we can succeed some. But it's part of us, for better or for worse. So, for people to truly love us, they have to accept and love that part of us too."

We are all quiet for a few seconds following my mother's impressive display of wisdom. Then, Ai breaks the silence by saying, "Holy crap. You're good at this."

My mom laughs, "Thank you. To be honest, it sounds like both you and Akari had figured this out intuitively with your relationships. I just put it into words."

I laugh, "Whatever mom, you're good at it."

Akari nods, "Very."

After that we had ice cream. This time my mom had many flavors to choose from. My mom and Ai mixed multiple flavors together and they both teased me and Akari for only wanting chocolate.

Before long, my mom is ready for bed.

"So now that there's three of you, I think you should take the larger bed in my room. I'll sleep in Kayoko's room."

"Are you sure, mom? I can sleep on the couch or something. You don't have to give up your bed."

She smiles at me, "It's only one night, sweetie. I truly don't mind at all."

"Ai, are you okay with sharing the bed with me and Akari?"

"Yeah, that sounds nice."

"Okay. Then we'll use your bed, mom. Thank you."

Akari and Ai thank her too.

We stay up a little bit longer chatting and watching stuff on TV.

Once I get into bed with one tiny girl on each side of me, Ai says.

"Thanks a lot for inviting me. I…know I'm just kind of your friend's girlfriend. And I'm not as close to you two as you are to each other. But it means a lot that you wanted me to come."

Akari scoffs and says, "You're not just our friend's girlfriend. M-maybe it started out that way. But we really like you."

"Thank you. I really like you two, too. Akari, since we're all being so open tonight…can I ask you something that I've been wondering about for a while?"

"Um…y-yeah."

"Did you ever like Carsten?"

Being in between these two right now MIGHT get awkward.

Akari is silent for several seconds, probably trying to decide whether to lie or tell the truth. But she's paused so long now that she really can't say no believably, so I hope she doesn't. Finally, she says, "I…d-did. Yeah. I'm sorry."

Ai responds, "You don't have to be sorry for that. I thought maybe you did when I looked back on things, like when you stopped coming to lunch. I'm sorry for…how we were when we were a new couple. That must have sucked. I basically made it so you couldn't have lunch with your friends for a while, and that was not cool of me. Even if I only figured it out after the fact."

I can hear Akari tearing up a little. It is really nice of Ai to realize how much she must have been hurting.

"Thank you for s-saying that. It was hard for a little while. But I don't like him anymore, p-promise."

Ai says, "Hey, Kayoko, can you move for a minute?"

"I guess so. But why? I'm pretty comfy, so you'll have to convince me. "

"You'll see."

"I guess I'm pretty easy to convince, huh?" I sigh and get up off the bed.

Ai pulls herself close enough to Akari to give her a little snuggle. Akari puts her arm around Ai too.

"It really means a lot to me that despite me...throwing myself at the guy you liked and getting with him, we managed to get here. Where we're friends. And you trust me with stuff you're struggling with. I…can't say for sure I would do the same if roles were reversed. I guess I'm just saying, I'm glad we're friends now."

Akari is still crying a little, as she sniffles before saying. "I'm glad too. It helps that you are a really good p-person who cares about me and my f-friends. That's what matters. So it wasn't that hard, in the end."

I interject. "Aww. You guys are cute. But I'm getting tired. Do you want the bed to yourselves? I could go sleep on the couch."

This makes them both giggle. Ai returns to the place where she was before, and I get back in the bed.

"Seriously though. That was great. The air is clear now. I sort of feel like a burden is off my chest just because I knew about the Carsten situation and could feel the tension, but I bet it feels even better for both of you."

They both say, "It does." at the exact same time, making us all laugh.

"You two are really in sync now, huh?"

[Frankyo]

Really liking the fic, surprised how much I like these original characters that are decades apart from the original KS cast. Can’t believe nobody has attempted a long fic abut any character’s potential children, at least I’m not aware of any non-oneshots. I liked learning to run as well so I’m looking forward to new chapters!

[guthrum06]

Really liking the fic, surprised how much I like these original characters that are decades apart from the original KS cast. Can’t believe nobody has attempted a long fic abut any character’s potential children, at least I’m not aware of any non-oneshots. I liked learning to run as well so I’m looking forward to new chapters!

I'm glad you're enjoying it! I was a little uncertain about creating my own characters at first, but I've ended up enjoying it.

[guthrum06]

I'm visiting my mom this weekend. It's the first time I've done it without my friends in a while. My dad's parents are moving here today. My mom got them set up for most of their furniture in their new rental house, so moving for them should be easy. They still have some things they are bringing, though. They are about to arrive in a moving truck.

It's a good thing they hired movers, because two people in their 80s, a tiny woman who is almost 60, and someone who could dislocate joints just from lifting things that weigh more than 15 pounds don't make for a great group of movers. Even if I asked Carsten and Daisuke to help, it would be tough on them.

My mom and I are in the living room and we're both clearly anxious about their arrival. My mom is up with her arms behind her back and pacing, and looking out the window to see if she sees them. I'm sitting down and fidgeting.

"How are you feeling, mom?"

"Pretty good. Very antsy. I think once I'm done with anticipating their arrival and they are actually here, I will feel better."

"Yeah. What is the plan once they are here?"

"Well, I think they will want to rest. So, I was thinking I would direct the movers over at their house, and you would be here with them. They might want to nap, but if they don't, you'll be able to entertain them."

I laugh, "Yep. I can even play the piano for them. They always like that. I probably need to practice anyway."

She nods, "Then I thought we'd go over to their house after the movers leave and I'd make them dinner and get them settled."

I get up and hug my mom, "It all sounds well thought out. They're going to be so happy here."

She smiles up at me, "Yeah…I think so, too."

Just as we finish our conversation, we see the moving truck drive in front of our house. We go outside and see it pulling in front of their rental house. I stay behind while my mom goes and herds everyone. She sends my grandma and grandpa my way and begins directing the movers.

My grandparents light up when they see me. My grandma hugs me tight and says, "We're going to be neighbors, Kaychan!"

My grandpa laughs, "Don't squeeze the life out of the girl, dear."

He's…not exaggerating. My grandma's grip is surprisingly strong. Maybe it's just my weak joints, though.

He gives me a hug next. I really do find it hard not to sigh happily when he does. He's so much like my dad.

Afterwards, we go inside the house and get them settled in the living room.

"Do you want anything to drink?"

My grandma says, "I think we'd both like some tea." My grandfather nods.

I go to the kitchen and make them some tea, and by the time I get back I can see they've moved. They are looking at things around my piano. In particular, the picture on top of it.

I give them their tea and they sit down on the couch by the piano, and I sit down on the bench facing them.

My grandma says, "We always love that picture. We have it too, but it's still hard not to look at it."

I nod, "It is a good one. Such a big night in their lives. Just the other day mom and I were talking about how we wished we'd been there."

My grandpa smiles, "It was lovely. We were there, you know."

"Yeah, I guess you would have been. Was it as amazing as I imagine?"

My grandpa laughs, "Well, I can't say for sure what you're imagining…but I think I would guess it was even more amazing than you're thinking. Saki and Chisato were magnificent. It was so captivating. We didn't know that much about music, but there was just this electricity in the air. They commanded the room in a way we didn't know was possible. It was…one of the most amazing things I think I've ever seen."

My grandmother nods in agreement.

"Wow. Yeah…that sounds amazing. I guess that's why it got Saki into school. Well thanks, now I wish I was there even more."

He laughs, "Sorry."

"I've always wondered…did you know he was going to propose to Saki that night?"

My grandmother laughs wryly, "Not really. He told us he was seriously considering it and explained why. We gave him some tentative permission, but with the caveat that we'd discuss it more before it happened. So…we were a little shocked to find out the morning after the concert they were engaged. But…it was clear they were right for each other. So, we gave them our permission in the end."

I smile, "Yeah, obviously it worked out. But it is hard to believe they were only two years older than I am now and they got married."

My grandpa nods, "Yes, please don't get married at 18 like they did. It was a special circumstance."

I laugh, "Oh I know. I'm not planning on it. Don't worry."

My grandma smiles, "Are you dating anyone right now? I'm sure you must have many suitors."

I laugh, "I guess…I have had a couple. But I haven't found anyone I want to be with yet."

"Well, you can probably afford to be picky. So, do your best."

I laugh, "I will. Would you two like me to play the piano? I could use some practice anyway."

They both light up when I ask them and my grandfather says, "That would be lovely."

I play through the two songs I'm working on for the concert in just a couple of weeks. I've improved a lot thanks to Hideki.

When I finish, I hear applause and it sounds like someone else is in the room other than just my grandparents. When I turn around, I see that my mom's there too.

"That was very good, sweetie. We're all excited to see you perform with the band in a couple of weeks." She turns to my grandparents and smiles broadly at them. "Well, shall we go see your new home?"

My grandparents put down their tea and we head to their new house. They are very happy with it. My mom makes a nice dinner, my grandfather I play chess (I won), and we're all very pleased to be living so close to one another.

---

The concert is next weekend. I'm happy with the progress I've made with all my extra practice sessions. I'll get to perform, and I'm really excited for that. I'm going to get some extra practice today just to be safe, then I'm going to take a break from all the extra playing until the concert.

I'm in the band room on my own now, and Hideki will be joining me in a little bit for one last lesson. I finished running through the songs myself, so I'm going to run to the restroom before Hideki gets here. On my way out of the room, I almost trip on the base of a music stand. The lighting is dim enough here that it was hard to see. To evade the music stand I take one step to my left. But then my left foot lands on something unexpected just as I'm about to put it down. It's a flute case that I didn't see in the bad light. I start to fall.

This isn't fair. This. Isn't. Fair. THIS. ISN'T. FAIR.  THIS. ISN'T. FAIR.  THIS ISN'T FAIR! THIS ISN'T FAIR!THIS ISN'T FAIR!  THIS ISN'T FAIR!

My elbow hits the ground as I fall forward. I don't try to get up. I don't call for help. I don't even cry. I don't feel pain. My elbow is dislocated so it should hurt like hell. I don't feel anything though. I can't play in the concert. Despite all the work I did. Despite all of Hideki's help.

The universe takes everything from me. My dad did everything he was supposed to do to be healthy. The universe took him anyway. I do everything I can to avoid getting hurt. I go to physical therapy. I wear braces. I try to be very careful with how I walk. I do everything I can to make up for lost time so that I can perform well enough. But it doesn't matter. The universe takes music from me too. No matter how hard I try. No matter how good I try to be. It takes it all. I'm so sick of it. So, I'm just going to lay here on my stomach. Forever. I don't care anymore. About anything.

…

I'm not sure how long I have been lying here, but eventually I notice a concerned Hideki is on his knees next to me.

"What do you need to me to do, Kayoko?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"Nothing. Just leave me. I don't care."

"You…you don't care?"

"Nope. I'm sick of this stuff happening. So, I'm just done, I think. Leave me alone."

He gets very serious and looks me in the eyes. Which takes some doing, since I'm lying on my stomach with my head turned to the side.

"Kayoko, it must…really suck, to have this happen now. I know how much you love music and how you were looking forward to playing. It's terrible this happened. But…there's more than musi-"

I interrupt him, knowing where this is going. "It's not just music. There's also my dad. He did everything he was supposed to do to live a long life with his condition. He didn't get to. So, why even try anymore, you know? That's why I'm done. Just...go away, Hideki. Leave me alone."

He grimaces, "Yeah, he was my science teacher. He was an amazing man. I won't pretend to know him that well because he taught me but…do you think this is what your father would want you to do? To just give up?"

He's right. It's not just my dad either. So many people who are important to me wouldn't want me to give up. They all knew how unfair everything is and they didn't give up. My dad had a heart condition that he knew might shorten his life. But he never gave up because of it. He lost his first wife to an unfair universe. But he found love again with mom.

Saki knew she was going to die young. Her condition kept her from playing music too, just like mine does sometimes. She didn't give up. She's kind of…who I want to be. I can't give up now if I want to be like her.

Then there's my mom, who might be the most impressive of all three. She lost her dad and her legs in a horrible crash. Instead of giving up she recovered faster than anyone thought possible. She became the Fastest Thing on No Legs. Then she lost my dad …that's probably the closest she got to giving up. I saw it myself. But she didn't. Now she's taking care of her parents, and my dad's, and me.

All three knew the universe was unfair and they all kept going. I think I can too.

I suddenly start crying. I can feel the excruciating pain in my elbow. I guess this is a good sign. It means I care again.

"What do you need me to do, Kayoko?"

I slowly roll on to my back. "Help…me…up."

He bends over on my good side. I wrap my arm around his neck, and he lifts me surprisingly effortlessly, yet delicately enough that my arm doesn't bounce too much.

"The nurse?"

I nod.

As he takes me across campus I look up at his face. It's filled with so much concern. He looks so upset. Upset for me. But there's also determination there. I can see that he would do anything to help me right now. He already did so much.

"Thank…you…"

He nods and smiles as he continues to carry me. We're close to the medical building now. It seems like he's out of breath. I guess it makes sense. He's going fast and I'm not exactly Ai or Akari. This is hard work.

He gets me there and luckily no one else is being seen. He puts me down on an empty bed. The nurse asks what happened. Just as I'm about to answer, I see that Hideki really doesn't look good. He's gasping for air and turning purple. He's starting to double over. I look at the nurse and urgently point to him using my good arm.

The nurse notices the situation just before I point. She runs to the back and comes back with some sort of inhaler. He takes it and uses it. The situation improves. He sits down on the ground and catches his breath. The nurse returns to my bedside.

"Okay, I'm going to help you with your elbow now." I nod.

Somehow, Hideki has managed to get himself up and he's next to me. He looks better by comparison, but he still looks like he's been through hell. I smile at him as best I can with all the pain.

"Hold…hand?"

He understands my somewhat cryptic request and gives me a really big smile of his own. He gives me his hand and I squeeze it while the nurse fixes my elbow.

The nurse goes to get ice and find me a new sling. Once the worst of the pain is over, I lightly slap him in the wrist with my good arm.

"Why did you do that!? I didn't know you had…." I pause, realizing I don't know for sure what it is.

"It's COPD."

"That. You could've really been in trouble."

He laughs wryly, "Well, you needed help. Plus, I knew I was coming to the medical building, and they'd take care of me. And they did. It all worked out, right? We're both fine."

I narrow my eyes at him, "I guess so." I put my hand on his arm. "Thank you. And…not just for carrying me and almost killing yourself. I was in a bad place back there. I guess you know that. You helped pull me out."

He smiles at me, "Yeah, I'm glad I could help."

"Well, thank you so much. You don't need to stay any more. I'm sure you're tired from everything. I'll call someone."

"Are you sure? I don't mind staying."

"Yeah, I'm sure. Thank you, Hideki."

"Uh…yeah, hey, no problem. Glad I could help."

He leaves the room and I call Akari. Once I'm fitted for my sling, I walk with her back to the dorms.

As we're walking, I realize something. Maybe it's some sort of damsel in distress complex, but I think I like Hideki. I've always thought he was cute. But he really helped me today. I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't pulled me out of that…depressive state, or whatever it was. I'd probably still be lying there. Then he almost killed himself to get me to the nurse. Of course, that was probably unnecessarily risky given that my condition isn't dangerous and his is, but it still makes it hard for me not to feel something for him. Of course, last time I thought a guy liked me because he helped me when I got hurt, it didn't end so well...

...

Once I get back to my dorm, I call my mom to let her know the horrible news.

"Hey sweetie, how's piano practice going?"

I grimace, "Not well. Unfortunately, I fell and hurt my elbow."

"Shit. That really sucks. I'm sorry sweetie. How are you feeling?"

"Well…when it happened, I was…kind of ready to give up. On everything. But then Hideki showed up, pulled me out of the mental state I was in and rushed me across campus. After all that, I feel pretty good all things considered. I think I may have a thing for Hideki now, though." I laugh.

My mother scoffs, "I'm glad he helped you. He has liked you for a while, I think. So maybe having a 'thing' for him is a good thing?"

I sigh, "Really? You just keep saying that because he helps me with piano stuff. I don't know if he does."

"Whatever you say, sweetie. Either way, if you like him now, you should tell him."

"Mm…yeah, maybe. I'll think about it."

"You just do that. I'm sorry you hurt yourself at such a bad time."

"Thanks mom. Love you."

I hang up the phone and start to think about everything. Is she right about Hideki? He's two years older than me and he's really cute. And one of the nicest people I know. I guess in some ways it doesn't seem plausible. I didn't even consider it. I also sort of shut off the part of my brain that was interested in romance for a while there. Maybe I missed some things?

My mom has been right about…pretty much all other romantic situations in my life. So, I should probably put some stock in it.

He's helped me so much with piano this whole trimester, and I guess he has gone above and beyond. But I just thought he was a good mentor.

I guess he did seem like he wanted to stay with me today. But I thought he was just being overly polite; especially given how he must have been feeling.

Then there's how he looked when I told him I was giving up. How he looked while he was carrying me. How concerned he was about me.

I think…I think I would be really happy if he did like me. He's exactly the kind of guy I would want to be with.

I have my mom's take. I think I need to talk to Akari and Ai about this.

...

I'm with Akari and Ai in my dorm room. They are seated on the bed while I'm standing and telling them everything that has happened today.

At the end, Ai says, "What do you think, Akari? I don't really know him, but you do a little bit at least, right?"

She nods and thinks for a second. "Hmm...he is a really nice guy, that makes it harder in a way. B-because he's nice to everyone." She pauses for a second. "B-but I think he probably likes you. He's nice and all, but the things he's done for y-you…they go b-beyond that. He stayed late and h-helped you with piano several days a week for several weeks. He met with you on weekends. Now I'm thinking he wanted to help you and spend time with you. And that's without even mentioning today."

Ai nods, "I think it's very likely he has feelings for you, too. I don't think a man risks his life for a woman if he doesn't. Even a nice one. I mean think about it. He knew he would be in some danger the moment he decided to take you to the nurse. He didn't care. He just had to help you. I think it sounds romantic."

I'm overwhelmed. I sit down in my desk chair and put my hand on my forehead with my eyes wide open. Literally and figuratively.

"I…I think you guys are right. I'm remembering other little things too now. He wanted me to go to the cafeteria with him a few times, and I turned him down. I just thought he was being nice, and I didn't want to bother him. He was adamant about me sitting next to him so I could visualize when I couldn't play. And…it helped, but he would sometimes brush against me slightly even though I was giving him a ton of space. I thought he was just a really animated piano player. Then there's everything you two just said."

Akari and Ai are both grinning ear to ear.

Ai says, "Well…with all that information. I'd say we're up to like a 99% chance he likes you. What do you think Akari?"

She laughs, "99.9, probably."

Now I smile too. "I don't want to get my hopes up too much. But…I feel pretty sure about it too, now."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I think…confess to him after band tomorrow."

---

The next day I get to band practice before Hideki does. I sit down on the bench since I'm unfortunately going right back to just visualizing. But…now that I feel the way I do about him, I think it will be much more fun. Eventually he arrives, and he smiles at me as he sits down next to me and says,

"You look pretty happy all things considered."

I smile, "Y-yeah…um…I do."

He laughs at my strange response.

Jeez. I used to be able to talk to him just fine. But now that I like him, I'm acting like an idiot. Great.

"Um…H-hideki, can you stay after band today? I want to do something to thank you for y-yesterday."

"You don't have to do that, Kayoko."

"Uhm…I know, but I want to. So, just stay for a little after? Please?" I break out a pouty face I've seen my mom use a million times. It seems like it worked.

He laughs and says, "Okay. I will."

During practice, I do a few things to feel things out a little more. For one thing, I gradually scooted myself closer to him, so he'd brush against me even more. For another, I may have intentionally moved my leg just enough for his elbow to make contact with it once. He got a little flustered and blushed. He didn't make any mistakes while he was playing, though. He's good.

After practice, Hideki stays behind like I asked him to. I wait for everyone else to leave. We stay sitting on the bench together. Waiting for everyone to leave is agonizing. I'm getting more anxious by the second.

But he almost definitely likes you, Nakai. Don't be too anxious.

Eventually, everyone's gone, and I put my good arm on his shoulder, and I say,

"Thank you so m-much for yesterday. I…probably wouldn't be in a good place right now. Mentally or physically w-without you."

He smiles at me, "I was happy to help you. I'm glad you're doing better now. If…you ever want to talk about your dad, or anything else that's bothering you. I'd be happy to listen."

My God this boy is perfect. Could he really like me? An awkward girl two years younger than him?

"Y-yeah. I'd like to talk to you."

What does that even MEAN, Nakai!

He smiles and says, "Oh um…well, I'd like that."

I need to stop beating around the bush here. The more I do, the more I'm going to mess this up. I just need to say it.

I take a deep breath and decide to go for it. I tighten my hold on his shoulder a little bit and look him in the eyes. Then I say, "What I've been trying to say here is…I…really like you Hideki…"

He looks really surprised for a moment, but then smiles ear to ear. It's adorable. "I like you too. I have for some time." He laughs, "I really didn't think you liked me, though. I felt things out a few times and felt like I got rejected. I mean, you basically threw me out of the medical building yesterday."

WHY is my mom ALWAYS right?! Although in this case, at least it's a good thing.

I blush, look down, and take my hand off him. "Y-yeah…I'm really sorry. I thought all those times you were just being nice, and I didn't want to bother you. I was sort of…not in a place where I wanted to be dating for a while. Also, um…you're so cute…and I didn't even consider that's what you were doing. I'm sorry I made you feel rejected." I put my hand back on his arm. "But I'm not rejecting you now. I want to be your girlfriend. If you want me to be."

He smiles broadly and says, "I'd like that."

Exhilarated by his returned feelings, I try to kiss him, but he pulls away. My heart sinks.

"Kayoko, I really like you. And I want to kiss you. And be your boyfriend. But I want to be fully open with you before anything happens between us. I'm only going to be here for a few more months. For a lot of that time, I'll be studying and taking tests. Then I'm going to university in the United States. I guess I'm saying…If we started something, I don't think it would last beyond graduation. And even when I am here…we may not see each other as much as we might like."

I smile at him as I feel some tears welling up inside of me.

This is going to be hard. Especially if I really fall for him. But I don't care right now. That's a problem for future Kayoko. I'm living in the present.

"It's sweet of you…to tell me all that up front. You being so honest and caring…it's a big part of why I like you. So, all of that stuff you just told me? It mostly just made me want to kiss you more."

I try to kiss him again and he pulls away again. I sigh with frustration.

"I'm sorry, I…just want to make sure. You're okay with the fact that…this relationship we might have, it doesn't have much of a future."

"Yes. I mean…it sucks, don't get me wrong. Having an expiration date on a relationship isn't ideal. But...I think you're amazing. So, I want to be with you if I can. For as much time as we have. I understand it won't be forever. Or even more than a few months. But I want it while I can have it."

This time, he comes in for a kiss and I pull away. He scoffs playfully and smirks at me because he knows I'm just paying him back now.

After teasing him for a few more seconds, I lean in for the kiss. This time, no one pulls away.

[guthrum06]

I'm leaving the performing arts building with Hideki. We're holding hands and both smiling like idiots. We just had our first kiss on a piano bench, and it was wonderful. He's cute and nice. Everything about this is so…perfect.

Of course, there's the fact that our relationship will at the longest, only last until graduation, but I think I'm just going to push that to the back of my mind for the next three months.

I have a boyfriend. One that really cares about me. He's already shown me that. And I really care about him. That's all that really matters right now.

As we leave the building, I notice that Akari and Ai are waiting a little way up the path outside the building. I guess they were so invested in this they had to see the outcome. Ai really had to go out of her way to be here too.

This is a little embarrassing, but oh well. I don't think it's going to bother Hideki.

I whisper to him, "Um…it seems a couple of my friends were waiting to see what was going to happen. That's them up there. I guess you already know Akari a little bit, but would you like to meet them?"

He laughs and says, "Sure."

I gesture that it's okay for them to come. I've seen Ai move at high speeds before, but this is the fastest I've ever seen. So, she reaches us first. We're still holding hands and she's looking at our hands with a huge smile on their face.

"So…are you two?"

To my surprise, Hideki answers. "Yep. We're boyfriend and girlfriend."

Ai squeals at such a high pitch that I'm surprised that dogs don't come running. Akari then reaches and immediately understands what the squeal means judging from the smile on her face.

I laugh, "Um…Hideki. This little, loud speed demon is Ai, and you know Akari."

He says, "Nice to meet you, Ai. And I look forward to getting to know you better, Akari."

"Y-yeah, m-me too."

"Would you two ladies like to join us in the cafeteria?"

Of course he's going to be nice to my friends, even when they are embarrassing.

Akari and Ai look at each other, and Akari responds, "Um…no. We'll l-let you two be alone. S-some other t-time though!"

Thank goodness for that.

Akari and Ai take off for the dorms, while we head towards the cafeteria.

"I know it's nothing special to go to the cafeteria. We'll have a real date soon, I promise. But I am hungry, and I think it will be kind of funny to finally take you there. Since I've probably asked you three or four times before and you said no every time."

I pout, "You're going to hold that over me for the entire relationship aren't you."

He laughs, "Maybe."

"I'm sorry, okay! I'm young and inexperienced. I didn't pick up on your more mature ways of flirting."

He laughs, "Hey, it's okay. It all worked out."

When we get to the cafeteria, there's almost no one else there. We get our food and sit across from each other. But we don't waste much time with silence. I don't know if it's because we know we only have so much time, or just because we're both so excited.

He asks, "So, when did you realize you liked me?"

"Um…well. I thought you were really cute the day I met you. But I didn't really start to have feelings, or at least notice them…until yesterday."

He laughs and says, "I thought you were beautiful the day I met you."

I'm pretty sure I am bright red now. "Really? When did yours turn into feelings?"

He thinks for a moment, "Probably two months ago. That's when I really started trying to see if you liked me. As you know, my efforts were met with failure."

I stick my tongue out at him, "How many times are you going to bring that up on our first day as a couple?"

He laughs, "I dunno yet. We'll see."

"You know you could have just bit the bullet and confessed. I'm just saying. It can't all be on me."

He sighs, "Yeah. I know. I might be older than you but…I'm not that much more experienced, I don't think. You're my first girlfriend. So…I was scared to do it. That's why I was trying to find something that would give me a little courage."

Adorable.

I reach out for his hand, and he gives it to me, "You're my first boyfriend too. If that wasn't obvious. But it sounds like we were both kind of silly. I didn't even consider the possibility you'd be interested in me, and you kind of did the same. Come to find out we like one another."

He laughs and says, "Yeah, that's true."

I need to ask him something, especially after what I saw yesterday. It's a little awkward. But he'll understand.

"I know this is an awkward subject…but if we're going to be spending time together, can you tell me some about your condition? In case I need to help you, I mean." I laugh, "I guess you already know how to help me."

"I don't really talk about it with anyone. I know that's a little strange here. But that's how it's been."

I feel a little hurt but try to hide it.

I guess this relationship is…only temporary. Makes sense, I guess.

"Oh…well, that's okay…then."

"But I'll talk to you about it once we are somewhere private."

"R-really? Why me?"

"Well, you're my girlfriend now, right?"

I laugh and say, "Yep."

He notices we've both finished eating. He starts gathering our things up to put in the trash and return our trays. Which I appreciate in my one-armed situation.

"Hey, do you wanna come hang out in my room now?" His eyes get wide when he realizes what he said. "I don't mean for…anything. I just want to talk to you more. Get to know you better. I have wanted to for a long time."

I giggle and say, "Yeah. That sounds nice."

...

I am in a boys' dorm room. A really cute super nice boy's dorm room. My boyfriend's dorm room.

He sits down on the desk chair. I think he is trying to avoid pressuring me to sit on the bed with him which is very sweet. I'd really like to snuggle with him in the bed, though. Maybe we'll get there later.

I sit down on the bed and look around his room a little. Unsurprisingly, there is a lot of music stuff. There's a poster that looks like ancient musical notation or something. It kind of looks like the notes we use, but a little off. He notices me staring at it.

"Trying to read the music? You kind of can, it isn't too different than what we use. The notes are just little dots, and there isn't a scale like we're used to, or a time signature. But if you imagine the scale and just look at the dots as notes, it's kind of the same."

I do what he says, and it starts to make some sense.

"What is that…exactly?"

"It's a medieval European manuscript page. If you look closer, you can see words in Latin. It's a song monks would have sung in the middle of the night, basically."

"Wow, that's really cool. That's who invented musical notation?"

"Yep, pretty much."

I look around some more. "You also have a lot of books in English. Your English must be really good."

" My mom was born in the U.S. She's Japanese, but Japanese-American. She spoke English with me growing up, my dad spoke Japanese. My mom really wants me to go to university in the U.S."

"That's really neat. You're going to study music, I'm guessing?"

"Yep. I had my audition at Juilliard over the summer holidays. That's where I will be going."

"Wow! That's like…the best piano school…in the world, right?"

He laughs, "One of them, I guess."

"Don't be modest. I knew you were amazing at piano, which I already thought was sexy. But I think you're even sexier now that I know you're going there." I wink at him.

He blushes and says, "Thank you."

Adorable.

He adds, "Um…I should probably mention, given what we talked about in the band room, that I won't actually be here all the way through graduation day. I'm leaving two days early to start the Spring term over there."

Oh. Already two days fewer than I was thinking…

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind. So, you already got in there, but you still have to do examination hell? That's rough."

He sighs, "It's a compromise between my parents that I for some reason have to honor even though I never agreed to it. My dad will only let me go if I pass all the tests here, and an entrance exam to a university. So yeah, I still have to do all of it."

"That sucks."

He nods, "It does indeed. But it'll be okay. What do you want to do?"

Make out with you on this bed.

"Like, in life?"

He nods.

"I don't know yet. I'd like to do piano too, but…that's proving…challenging." I point to my arm in a sling. "I think maybe I might shift to composition when I go to university, especially if this keeps happening. I…kind of have a role model who made that switch because she had a condition that made it hard for her to play. But I also really like science. Sometimes I think I'd like to teach it, like my dad did."

"Those are all really good options. Since I know we want to talk about our conditions, can I ask about yours?"

"Sure. But you already– Oh. I guess you don't really know about it other than I get hurt all the time, huh?"

He nods.

"It's genetic. It's called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, I have the hyper mobile type. Basically, my joints don't like to stay where they are supposed to. I dislocated my elbow yesterday."

"That…seemed incredibly painful."

"Oh, it is. That's why I needed to squeeze your hand. It is painful and affects my mobility. There are lots of things that normal people can do that I can't because of the injury risk they pose. But generally, it isn't something that puts my life at risk."

He nods, "Mine's genetic too. COPD stands for Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. Basically, my lungs don't work correctly. I can control it mostly with inhalers and stuff. I don't talk to people about it much because most people know it as a condition that people get from smoking too much or inhaling dangerous chemicals. So, people look at me sometimes like my parents must have abused me, or I must have started smoking when I was five years old or something. I have a rare genetic kind that basically gives me the lungs of someone who smoked for decades without smoking at all. Lucky me."

"So, do you usually have an inhaler with you for emergencies? Like if we were together and you had an attack, I could just find it on you?"

He nods, "Yep. I usually have it." He grimaces, "But uh…yesterday I was so nervous about seeing you that I…kind of left it here."

Okay I can't take us being this far apart anymore. I need to be touching him.

"Hideki, can we lie down in your bed together? I just…really want you to hold me. If that's okay. We can keep talking."

He smiles and says, "Y-yeah. I'd like that."

He comes and sits down next to me. He takes a moment to give me a sweet little kiss, and then he scoots back to the wall. I get on my side and move myself towards him. I have to sort of shimmy because of my bad arm. When I'm close enough he puts his arms around me. I snuggle into him a little more.

"This is really nice. I wanted to be close to you. Thank you."

"Yeah. I like it too."

I sigh happily.

"H-how experienced are you…with stuff?"

"You mean…romantic stuff?"

I nod.

"Well, not very. I've made out a couple of times. That's as far as I've gone. You?"

"I've only kissed. Not even made out. N-not even um…with tongue."

I roll over to face him, hoping he will get that it is an invitation. He does.

I feel his lips against mine like I did in the band room, but he's pressing more firmly. It also feels great now that his arms are around me at the same time. It's too bad I only have one arm that works right now, and it really isn't in a position for me to put it around him.

After we do this for a little while, I feel his tongue gently enter between my lips. I meet his with mine. This sensation feels really good. Really intimate. And he's so gentle. This is special. This goes on for quite some time.

Only when we stop kissing do we realize how long it must have lasted. It is pitch black outside. I check the time and its 20 minutes until curfew. Stupid curfew.

He sounds disappointed when he says, "I guess you have to go soon, huh?"

I sigh, "I guess so. But we still have a little time."

I roll back over, and he holds me like he was earlier. I feel so comfortable with him. Everything feels natural. Like I'm supposed to be with him like this.

---

An alarm that I don't recognize is going off. I open my eyes and am confused for a moment as I see a sunlit room I am not familiar with. But then I remember where I am. And whose arms are around me.

I turn around and kiss him on the lips and say, "It's time to wake up." He opens his eyes and looks confused for a moment too before he pulls me in for another kiss. Then he says, "Woops."

I sit up and yawn. "Woops is right. I have to get back to my dorm and change and stuff before school." I look at him. "But hey, it was really nice sleeping with you last night."

He laughs, "Yes, it was."

I get up and he does too. He hugs me and kisses me again. I like it so much every time he touches me or kisses me. I'm glad there's a lot more of that in my future.

But…not that far into the future.

"Have a nice day. See you at band." He winks.

I giggle, "Yes, I have a feeling band is going to be more interesting than usual."

I manage to drag myself out of his room despite not really wanting to leave. I very clearly slept in my uniform, and I am getting some looks from guys in the dorm. This is the stuff rumors are built on. But whatever. I'm on Cloud 9.

When I get to my door and start to unlock it, I hear Akari's door open.

She smiles, but also looks just a little worried. "You were g-gone all night! Did you…?"

I unlock the door and invite her in while I change.

"Talked a lot, made out some, then fell asleep together. It was really nice."

"Th-that's good. I'm glad. You t-two were really cute yesterday. I was a little worried, you didn't answer texts or anything. But I f-figured it was something like that."

I pull out my phone. Sure enough I have a few worried texts from Akari and a couple missed calls from my mom.

"Crap. Sorry, Akari. I sort of forgot I had a phone...somehow. Really got swept up in things. I should have let you know where I was. I'm sure my mom's worried too. I'll do better next time."

She nods and says, "I understand."

I am now fully dressed and it's only now that I realize she has been waiting to hug me until I reached that point. She looks up at me and smiles.

"I'm really happy for you. I can already s-see that you are just…overjoyed. And I am s-so happy to see it."

I hug her back. "Thank you. He's…great. It seems sort of surreal." I break the hug. "There is one…downside, though. I don't want to tell too many people, but I want to tell you."

I sit down on the bed, and she sits down next to me. "He graduates soon. And then he's moving to the U.S. He got into Juilliard. So…he's gonna go and be amazing over there, which I think is great. But because of that, we both went into this knowing…it won't last past graduation."

Akari's happy face turns very sad, "Wh-what? That's…less than three months."

I frown for a moment, "I know. But I think it's worth it. I'll be with him as long as I can."

"B-but…won't that hurt?"

I sigh, "Probably. But if it does, that kind of means it was worth it, right? I just…I'm trying to live in the present with this. I'll worry about that stuff when it happens."

Akari smiles, but it's at least a little forced. "Okay. Well, I th-think if that's what you want, then you should d-do it. I'll support you."

"Thank you. I…know it's a little crazy. But it's what I want."

I check the time, "Okay, I'm going to call my mom because I'm sure she's worried too. I um…don't think I'm going to tell her about the…graduation thing. Not yet. So…you will really be the only one who knows."

Akari nods, "Okay, I w-won't tell. I'll see you at lunch."

She leaves my room and I call my mom.

"Hey sweetie, fall asleep early last night?"

"Well, yes. But uh…I wanted to tell you that I have a boyfriend."

In a gloating tone of voice she says, "Oooo, Is it Hi-dek-i?"

"Did you really have to elongate his name like that?"

"Yes. I did. It is him, isn't it?"

I sigh, "Yes, mom. You were right."

"Well, I'm very happy for you sweetie. I like him from everything I've heard. So…last night when you didn't answer…were you…?"

"I was with him, yes. But we mostly talked and snuggled and then fell asleep together."

"Mostly?"

Why did I have to say mostly?

"Yes mom, you don't need all the details, okay. But no, we didn't have sex. Since that's what you're asking."

"Okay fine. Well. I expect to meet him soon, you know. I'm sure your grandparents will too."

I…wonder whether we'll be doing that. Or if the nature of our relationship means he won't want to meet her. Why meet the family of your temporary girlfriend? I should give a non-committal answer, I guess.

"Yes, I know. You will. Maybe after the winter holidays or something. He's got…the concert and stuff, and then that. So yeah."

"Okay dear. Talk to you later. Love you."

"Love you too, mom."

...

I had a hard time focusing in my morning classes. I mostly just found myself thinking about Hideki, and how wonderful it was to sleep in his arms last night. Man, school's harder when you have a boyfriend.

At lunch, Ai is super disappointed that Hideki isn't coming.

"But…why? I wanted to talk to him. Tell him I'd hit him with my wheelchair if he hurt you. You know, the normal stuff."

I giggle, "I sort of forgot to invite him. I'm sure he'll come to lunch at some point."

Are we…spending time with each other's friends? I mean he was nice to them yesterday and everything, but it was sort of forced on him. …is that something you also don't do when you know your relationship is temporary? I thought I was going to be able to just ignore this for a while. But I've already got some questions for him for later.

...

It's time for band now. This will be interesting. I beat Hideki to the room and sit on the piano bench. Akari looks my direction and winks at me, and I can't help but giggle. It is funny that we sit next to each other for all of band. Hideki arrives a few minutes before it starts, and he gives me a quick kiss before taking a seat next to me. I guess we're public, which I'm perfectly happy with.

I giggle and in a stiff voice I say, "Hello there, fellow band-member. What are you doing after band?"

He pretends to think for a second. "Hanging out with my girlfriend, I think. Sorry, were you hitting on me?"

I giggle. Luckily there's enough commotion in the band room right now with everyone getting out their instruments and such that my undoubtedly annoying girlfriend giggle isn't getting much attention.

He says, "But seriously though, I thought we could get some food, then go hang out in your room this time."

"Sounds good to me."

Band practice is a lot more fun when you get to watch your extremely attractive boyfriend do the thing that he is best at in the whole world. And the fact he got into Juilliard probably means he's one of the best at it in the whole world.

After band, we hold hands as we walk to the cafeteria again. On the way there I ask, "When do you leave for the winter holidays?"

He says, "The day of the concert unfortunately. I'll be back on the 1st though. So just gone about a week."

A week in a normal relationship wouldn't be too bad. But for us it's about 10% of the time we have left. That's kind of rough.

"Okay, that's cool. My mom just lives here, and my grandparents just moved here too, so I'll be in town whenever you get back."

"That's cool. I'd like to meet them."

"You would?"

"Yeah, is that weird?"

"I dunno…I told my mom about you, and she said she wanted to meet you. And then I thought…maybe he doesn't want to meet my family since…you know…only until graduation."

He lets go of my hand and turns around to face me, so I stop walking. "I know our relationship is…kind of different… But I don't want to do anything different because of that. Does that make sense?"

I nod. "Yeah. I think so. I want you to meet them. I just wasn't sure. But that works for me."

He gives me a quick kiss and says, "Good."

He takes my hand, and we keep walking, "So that means you're good with us meeting each other's friends, and stuff, too?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Okay, that's good. Because Akari lives right across from me. You'll definitely be seeing her tonight."

He laughs, "That sounds good. She's incredible on the horn. That's about all I know about her though, so it will be nice."

...

After we eat, we head up to my room. I sit on my bed first, and thankfully he just sits down next to me instead of sitting in my desk chair.

"Why do girl's rooms always smell so nice?"

I laugh, "I dunno. I guess we smell better. We use more scented things too. Like lotion and stuff."

He sees the capybara, grabs it, and gives it a sleeve. "This guy's cute. He gets to sleep with you every night?"

I laugh, "Yep. Are you jealous?"

"A little. Sleeping with you last night was…really amazing."

I laugh, "Out of context that sounds a lot less wholesome than it actually was, but I agree."

He comes in for a kiss but then there's a knock on the door. It's Akari. I want her to spend time with him, but I would have liked for this kiss to happen first.

"Come on in, Akari."

Akari opens the door and sees us sitting on the bed very close to each other.

She turns a little red and says, "Oh…am I…interrupting?"

Hideki laughs, "Nope. We're just hanging out. Do you want to join us?"

"Um…I…don't want to be in the w-way, though."

"You won't be. You're Kayoko's best friend, right? I'd like to spend time with you."

"O-okay." She sits down on the desk chair.

"I wanted to tell you that you're really amazing in band. In my three years here, I haven't seen a first year in band as good as you at any instrument. And I haven't seen many third years as good as you either."

Akari blushes and then smiles, "Th-thank you. I really love to play. You are amazing, too. I heard you got into Juilliard. That's great!"

"Thank you. I think if you keep at it, you will have a good chance to get in there too."

"R-really?"

"Yep. You're really good."

"Th-thanks."

"I tell her all the time, but a third year who's going to Juilliard telling her seems to be having more of an impact."

Akari laughs, "Hey, I like it when you tell me. But it is n-nice to hear from someone new."

"Hey Hideki, what do you normally do for lunch?"

"Usually just eat in the cafeteria with a couple friends."

"Okay. Well, we usually have ours on the quad if you want to come sometime. It's usually me and Akari and Ai, who you met, and her boyfriend Carsten."

"Sounds like fun. I will have lunch there tomorrow."

Akari says, "W-won't your friends miss you?"

He laughs, "Maybe a little. They are mostly just happy I 'finally' have a girlfriend as they put it. I probably shouldn't ditch them every day, but every now and then should be fine."

"Th-that will be nice then." Akari gets up, "Well…I'm tired. I think I'm g-going to turn in. It was nice hanging out."

She is doing what I did when she had a boyfriend. She isn't really that tired but doesn't want to cut in on our time too much. She knows that our time is extremely limited, so it's pretty nice of her.

"Okay, 'night Akari."

"Yeah goodnight. Was nice talking to you."

Akari leaves and closes the door.

I turn to him and say, "Now…where were we?"

He laughs, "I think I was jealous of your stuffed animal." He picks it up again. "And then, I was gonna do this."

He kisses me softly with one hand cradling my face. He pulls away and smiles, I smile back.

"I really like how you kiss me. And touch me. Can we snuggle like yesterday?"

He smiles, "I'd like that."

We get into the same position as yesterday and I love it.

"You're better at this than my capybara."

"Capywhatnow?"

I giggle, "The stuffed animal."

"Oh. Well good. I didn't like how he was looking at me earlier. Hey, Kayoko, can I ask you about something…kind of serious?"

"Um…I guess so."

"Those…thoughts you were having. When you fell in the band room. Do you have those a lot?"

I roll over to face him. "Um…not quite like that usually. That was…probably the lowest I've ever been. But…I do sometimes feel like…life's not fair. Mostly when I think about my dad. Sometimes…it makes me question stuff. Like…sometimes I think 'why bother if the world is going to be like this?' That's what you saw the other day."

He brushes my hair out of my face and intently looks me in the eyes. "Okay. If you have thoughts like that again, you should consider maybe trying therapy. They have good people here who can help. They've helped me."

"Okay. Therapy has helped my mom. I haven't tried it much. What do you go to therapy for? If that's not too personal."

"Depression. I had…a really hard time with my condition. I transferred here in the middle of my first year because it suddenly got bad. I felt like…my parents had ditched me because it was easier for them. I…felt like things were unfair too, like you were saying that day. I wanted to just give up because it didn't seem like it mattered what I did. No matter what I would still have attacks. I still feel like that sometimes."

He really cares about me. He wouldn't tell me something so personal if he didn't. He wouldn't be so worried about me either. I really care about him too. It's our second day together and I think I'm already really falling for him. This…this might really hurt.

I smile at him. "Thank you for telling me about that. It does sound like me in a lot of ways. I think you're right. I probably do need to go and talk to someone about it."

He smiles, "Yeah, I think that's a good idea. You know what else is a good idea?"

"What?"

"Us sleeping together again, I think."

I blush and say, "I'd like that." I giggle, "We can actually plan for it this time too."

He smiles and gets up, "Yeah. I'm going to go get my pajamas and stuff. Then I'll be back. Sound good?"

I get up and pull him down for a quick kiss and say, "It sounds very good."

[guthrum06]

It's the day of the concert.

The week since Hideki and I got together has been nothing short of amazing. He's been busy studying and getting ready for the concert. He's come to lunch with my friends a couple of times, and we've slept together every night since we became a couple. We usually spend an hour or two talking and kissing too. Falling asleep and waking up in his arms gives me the best feeling I've ever felt.

He is leaving after the concert today for about a week. I'm already going to miss him a lot. It scares me, since I know the feeling is going to be magnified in about two and a half months. But I'm so happy when I'm with him. It will be worth it.

I'm still really disappointed I don't get to perform in the concert, but the consolation prize is that I get to watch my boyfriend and best friend perform, and they both have moments when they get to shine.

My mom and my grandparents are coming, and so are Hideki's parents. While it will be quick, we are planning on introducing each other to our families after the concert. Right now, I'm waiting for my mom and grandparents to arrive in the parking lot.

I'm pretty happy when I see my mom's car down the road. It is pretty cold, and I've been waiting for a while. She parks and she and my grandparents seem very excited. I think it is probably more about getting to meet my boyfriend than it is the concert.

I give them all hugs, and we walk towards the performing arts center.

My grandma says, "So, this boy will be playing the piano? I want to know who to watch closely."

I laugh, "Yes, grandma. You can watch him all you want."

My grandpa grabs her hand, "But not too closely dear. Remember you are a married woman!"

My mom giggles. "Oh, let the woman watch. She's not going to leave you after 60 years."

Now we've reached the concert hall. I guide them to what I think are the best seats for the acoustics.

After I do I say, "I'm um…gonna go wish my band-mates good luck."

My mom says, "Oh? Is that all?" And she and my grandmother giggle.

I roll my eyes at them. "Whatever. I'll be back soon."

I head to the back where everyone is getting ready to go out to the stage. I find Akari first and I'm about to say something to her when she points me in Hideki's direction. I guess that means she wants me to talk to him first.

He is dressed in a very sharp suit. I tap his shoulder from behind and he turns around with a big smile for me.

I pull him down for a kiss. "That's for good luck. Not that you'll need it."

He laughs, "I dunno. I could maybe use a little more."

This time he kisses me, and I giggle. I giggle a lot around him.

"Okay, well I better get going."

He nods and says, "See you after."

I don't even know if we'll get to kiss again until after the break because he and his parents have to rush out of here to catch a train. But he'll be back before too long and there will be many more kisses.

On my way back to the concert hall I stop and hug Akari. She has a really big moment in the performance. They are playing Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony, and as the first chair French horn, she has a solo that lasts for about two minutes. She's really excited about it, and I am too.

She asks, "Y-you can stop and see my parents before we go, right? We are meeting in front of the dorm, after, b-because I have to get a few things before we leave."

"Yep, I should be able to swing by after Hideki and I do our quick family introductions. I'm really excited to see you perform tonight."

She smiles and says, "Thanks. I'm excited too."

I return to sit with my family, who all look very happy about everything. My mom winks at me and says, "So…did you make sure that he…I mean they will have good luck?"

I roll my eyes and simply say, "Yep."

The hall continues to fill for a few minutes. I know that Akari's parents are here somewhere, but I can't see them. The place is packed. I think her dad is really going to like what he sees and hears tonight. I'm less certain about her mother.

Hideki's parents are here somewhere too, but I don't even know what they look like. Still, nice to know they are here somewhere, and I'll be meeting them soon.

The concert begins with one of the songs I would have gotten to play, and it's hard for me not to be bitter about it, even with Hideki playing. But I do my best just enjoying watching him. I have an easier time enjoying the other songs and Hideki, as you'd expect, plays incredibly well.

The last song of the program is Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony. As much as I like Hideki, I think I'm more excited for Akari's solo than anything. I've heard her play it before of course, and it sounds amazing, but it's much different in a setting like this one thanks to the acoustics and the atmosphere. I enjoy the song as we progress towards the time for her solo, but I'm impatient because I want to hear it so badly. Finally, the time comes for my best friend to shine.

(Author's Note: Listen to Akari's Solo)

People often say that a French horn is the soul of an orchestra. I always thought it was something pompous French horn players came up with. But listening to Akari's performance, I think I know what they mean. She produces such a warm, pleasant timbre as she plays. The sound reverberates perfectly through the hall, especially with us in the acoustic sweet spot. She is commanding the room in every way. People are speechlessly, breathlessly listening to her. Even my mother, who knows very little about music. I look at my grandparents, and I wonder if they are feeling the same sort of electricity they felt the night of Saki and my aunt's performance. They are certainly captivated. This is better than any of the times I've heard her play it. And one of the best things about it is how happy and confident she looks as she progresses through it.

Eventually, the time comes for her solo to end and I can feel the audience is just as disappointed as I am. Akari really is incredible. She's only a first year, and she just did that. Once the song is completed there's plenty of applause. My grandfather leans over to me and says, "I've only felt like that listening to music once before, and it was here," as if reading my mind from earlier. This impresses me even more.

"Yeah…that was amazing. I'm really happy for her."

...

The concert just ended, so I turn to my family and say, "Okay, I need to go and meet Hideki's parents quickly, and then I'll bring him back to meet you. See you all out front." They all smile excitedly.

As I'm heading to meet them in our planned location, I see that Akari is surrounded by people who are congratulating her for her performance. She is standing in front of the stage and has her back to it. At first, I'm really happy for her to get this recognition. But then I see her face through the sea of people. Her eyes are filled with fear and she's clutching her chest and breathing hard. She's doing her best to keep people from noticing, and trying to talk to them, but it isn't going so well. This must be a nightmare for her. I divert myself from my path to try to pull her away from all the people, but before I get there she falls over and hits her head on the side of the stage. Everyone gasps and I push my way through. She's bleeding on her temple where she hit her head. She must have fainted from hyperventilating. How did these people not notice what they were doing to her? I can't get her to the nurse on my own, even without a sling. I could call the emergency number, I guess. I look around and see a familiar face. He is sitting in the front row and looking at his phone, probably waiting for a turn to congratulate Akari once the mob is gone.

"Carsten!"

He looks up, confused for a moment and then sees me crouched with the unconscious Akari and his eyes go wide, and he scrambles to his feet and comes so quickly his girlfriend would be proud.

Before I can tell him to, he picks her up and says, "I'm taking her to the nurse."

I say, "I'm coming with you" and I follow him.

On the way out of the building I see my family waiting excitedly.

I quickly stop and say, "Akari got hurt, I'm going with her to the nurse. I don't think you'll meet Hideki today."

My mother's excited smile transforms into a concerned frown as she asks, "Is she alright?"

I start walking as I answer the question, anxious to find out the answer to myself. "She fainted and hit her head. I have to go."

Carsten is way ahead of me now, which is good. But I really can't keep pace with him. Even with a prosthetic leg, he's moving fast.

My mom shoos me along and gives me a look to let me know not to worry about them meeting Hideki.

Hideki! He doesn't know where I am, and his parents are waiting to meet me. I'll have to text him when I get to the nurse. I can't risk doing it while I'm walking.

Once I get there, she is in a bed in the examination room and the nurse is already with her and putting pressure on the spot where she hit her head. She's still unconscious. I'm not sure if it's because she fainted or because she hit her head. Or both. Carsten is sitting down next to Ai on a chair in the corner of the room. I guess I shouldn't be surprised Ai beat me here, she must have seen Carsten when he left the building. They are holding hands, and both look really shaken up. Carsten has some of Akari's blood on the arm of his shirt.

I walk up to them and pat Carsten on the back, "Good job getting her here." He grimly nods.

The nurse has finished bandaging her, so I approach her. I guess if she doesn't want to talk to me, she can tell me to go away.

"I-is she going to be okay?"

The nurse answers me while continuing to work. "She should be. She has a minor concussion, but the wound on her head shouldn't be a big concern now that I stopped the bleeding. It looked much worse than it was because of the blood. We'll keep her here tonight to monitor her, but it's mostly a precaution."

"Can I stay with her?"

"Sure. I'll get you a chair."

I return to Carsten and Ai to update them. "She'll be okay. The blood made it look a lot worse than it was. She has a minor concussion. I'm going to stay here. Don't you two have to get going for the break? I can stay with her."

Carsten and Ai give me a group hug, Ai from below and Carsten up high. Ai quietly says, "Text us updates, okay?" I nod and they leave the room and the medical building.

Texts!

I pull out my phone and realize it has been more than 45 minutes since the concert ended. I have several texts from Hideki and a missed call.

The first few are asking where I am, but the last one says,

"Hey, I heard what happened. You should be with Akari. I have to catch the train with my parents, but I'll be back soon. I'm really going to miss sleeping together."

I respond, "I'm with her. I'm really going to miss you. I will meet your parents another time. I hope we can talk on the phone later ."

I go and sit in the chair next to Akari. Then I realize something. Her parents are here. I have no idea where they might be now. I don't have their numbers. Where is Akari's phone? This is going to look weird if someone walks in. But her parents are probably freaking out.

I'm glad she's wearing a dress that has pockets, otherwise I would have no idea where to look. I reach under the blanket on the bed and try to feel for her phone in her pockets. Luckily, I find it in the first pocket I check. She has several missed calls from each of her parents.

I use it to call her mom, who picks up and sounds very angry.

"Where are you, Akari?!"

"Hi Mrs. Yoshida. This is Kayoko. Akari fainted and hit her head. I'm with her in the nurse's office. She's not awake now but you can come see her."

"Fainted?! Why can't she ever pull herself together?"

Uhm…what. the. fuck. I'm about to lose my mind on this woman. No…don't do that. Stay calm, Nakai.

"Uh…she did her best, I'm sure."

She sighs, "Yes, I'm sure she did. We'll be there soon." She hangs up.

Wow. She's even worse than I thought…she really doesn't understand. I guess it makes even more sense that she didn't want to put up with Michi taking so long to understand her anxiety. Her own mother doesn't get it. She doesn't need more of that in her life.

"K-kayoko?"

I look up and see Akari is awake, which is a relief. The bandage around her head obscures her entire forehead and eyebrows. She would be glad to know that her headband is still visible, though.

"Hey Akari. How do you feel?"

"Head hurts. What h-happened?"

"You fell after the concert and hit your head. You have a minor concussion. You're in the medical building."

"B-but…Hideki!?"

I grab her hand, "The fact that you're concerned about that right now is really sweet. He had to go, and he understands, okay? I needed to be here with you."

She squeezes my hand and nods.

"Your parents should be here soon. I called them on your phone."

This does not have a comforting effect.

"Did I f-faint?"

"I think so. Lots of people were talking to you, I could tell you were in trouble, but I was too late. You were hyperventilating I think."

She sighs and looks defeated, "M-my mom acts like it's m-my fault when I have p-panic attacks. Like I just n-need to t-try harder or something."

I sigh, "Yeah…I kinda picked up on that when I talked to her."

She looks around the room with a scared expression on her face. She starts moving in the bed. "I…I don't want to be here. It's l-like the hospital."

I squeeze her hand, "I know that's hard. But they have to watch you."

She calms down a little just in time for her parents to come in. Her mother looks mad and somehow put out by the situation. I only have one good arm, but seeing the look on her face makes me want to punch her. Maybe it would be worth not having any good arms for a bit.

Her father at least looks legitimately concerned. He comes forward to see her.

He says, "You played really well out there. It was amazing. Really amazing. I'm sorry this happened after."

She smiles, "Th-thank you, dad. It was fun…until this." She touches her bandage.

Her mother comes closer, but has her arms crossed.

"Yes, you played well. But why did this happen? Why did you get hurt? I thought you told us you were stronger now."

What do I need two good arms for, anyway?

Akari starts crying. Her dad looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. That's fine. I will. I need to put her in her place. She can't treat her daughter this way.

I get up from the chair and face Mrs. Yoshida. I'm a lot bigger than her, hopefully that intimidates her. "She is doing better. That doesn't mean her anxiety has magically disappeared. She is doing the best she can. So maybe just show some compassion for your hurt daughter. Can you muster up some of that? Is that something you're capable of?!"

I look in her eyes and swear I see a tiny explosion go off in each of them. Suddenly, I realize my size advantage is meaningless in this confrontation. Her glare is intimidating enough that I feel my legs start to wobble. If that wasn't enough, she lays into me with a sharp, powerful voice. It almost feels like each of her words are physically contacting my body. The sharpest, loudest of the words even make me flinch.

"Who do you think you are that you can talk to me like this!? Do you think you can tell me how to treat my daughter!? How to deal with her problems!? Because I've been doing it for the last sixteen years. I have been through a lot with her. More than you have. More than you can possibly understand. And this is how you talk to me!? I want you out of here, now. You aren't her family. You don't need to be here. Get out of my sight. NOW!"

Her final word feels like a punch to my gut. I'm on the verge of doing exactly what she tells me to, if only because it will allow me to escape. I really should not have started a confrontation with this woman. She is way above my weight class. I thought Akari and her father were just too timid to confront her. But it all makes sense now. I'm not sure anyone could succeed in a verbal altercation with her. Certainly not a 16-year-old girl.

The nurse comes back in the room and says, "Please, quiet down." Then she looks at me and gestures towards the door. "Kayoko, you will have to go if they don't want you here."

Akari says, through her tears, "N-no! I w-want her here, mom. S-s-so stop, please."

Her dad chips in with a voice that alternates between firmness and wavering, "Please, dear. This is her friend who was here to care for her. She helped her get here. She called us. We wouldn't even know she was here. Just…both of you calm down. We all want what's best for Akari. We just…show it differently. We're all just upset."

DOES she want what's best for her, though? I have my doubts. Not that I'm going to express those to her…ever again.

To my surprise, the two of them do manage to relax Mrs. Yoshida.

"Fine. She can stay." She locks eyes with me, and I feel myself recoil again as she says in a quiet but forceful voice, "Don't talk to me like that again. Ever." It sends a chill down my spine.

Say what you will about her parenting, but this woman is…powerful. There's no other word for it. I've never been more intimidated by anyone in my entire life.

"I apologize for what I said…and how I said it. I was just upset and worried about Akari."

She sighs, "I'm sorry too. I know you care about her. Just…know that I do too."

She has a funny way of showing it.

Just as we finish the conversation, my mom arrives. I guess she had to come see what was happening herself after she took my grandparents home. She comes up to me and hugs me before saying, "You must be Akari's parents. I'm Kayoko's mom. It's nice to meet you."

There's still tension in the air, but the Yoshidas politely welcome her. I suppose they did say they were thankful for her and wanted to meet her last time I spoke with them.

Akari says, "H-hi, Mrs. Nakai."

She usually just calls her Emi now. But with her mom around I feel like that wouldn't go too well.

"Hello Akari, how are you feeling?"

"My head hurts…but I'm okay, I think."

"I'm going to go find the nurse."

Before she leaves, I quietly say to her, "She really doesn't want to be here…because of hospital stuff."

My mom nods and goes to find the nurse. She comes back with the nurse a few minutes later.

The nurse says, "Akari, you have a minor concussion. Normally I would keep you here overnight because we don't want you to sleep more than two or three hours at a time, just to be safe. However, Mrs. Nakai said she was willing to take you to her house and she would take care of you." Akari instantly brightens up. Her parents look dumbfounded.

The nurse looks to Akari's parents and says, "This is something you two have to agree with of course. But rest assured that Mrs. Nakai has thorough first aid training and knows how to handle a minor concussion."

Akari's parents look at each other and then at my mom. Her mother asks my mom, "Why…do you want to do this?"

"I know Akari doesn't like being in a hospital bed. And I know she is comfortable at my house. We don't have to do it, though. If you want her here, I understand."

Her mother looks genuinely grateful. I wasn't sure that was in her repertoire. Her mother turns to Akari and says, "Is that what you'd like to do, Akari?"

Akari nods and says, "Yes, please."

Her mom says, "Okay. Then that's what we'll do."

My mom gives her parents our address. We go on ahead.

On the way home I text Carsten, Ai, and Hideki the update. Then I turn to my mom and say, "Thanks…that was really amazing."

She smiles, "I'm glad everyone's happy. It felt like I was walking into a war zone when I got there. Care to explain?"

"I um…. got into it with her mom a bit. I might have accused her of not caring about her daughter. It…did not go well."

She looks at me through the corner of her eye and says, "No, I can't imagine it did."

"Yeah…we reconciled. With help from Akari and her dad. We realized we were both just upset."

"That's good. I don't know what their plan is for the night, but we may all be sleeping under one roof." She laughs. " Wouldn't be good if that was unresolved."

...

We're home for just a few minutes when the Yoshidas arrive. We welcome them in.

Akari looks like her usual self, which is encouraging.

I ask her parents, "Would either of you like something to drink?"

Her mother looks at me and then looks at my sling.

"You don't need to do that. We can get them ourselves if you show us."

"Okay. I promise I can do it. It might just take two trips." I laugh and she smiles slightly. "But if you'd like to get your own, that's okay too."

I guide them into the kitchen where they each grab some bottled juice. When we return, my mom is talking to Akari.

"Do you want to lie down?"

"I d-don't think so. I feel okay."

"Okay. Well, you shouldn't be on your feet too much. So, I want you to be sitting or lying down unless absolutely necessary, okay?"

She nods and takes a seat in the living room. Her parents sit down with her while looking around the house.

My mom and I sit on the love seat adjacent from them.

Akari's mom says, "You have a lovely home."

My mom smiles and says, "Thank you."

Akari smiles and says, "D-dad, over there is all their music stuff I told you about."

He looks where she points and looks more than a little curious.

I laugh, "You can go look. I guess it is kind of like we have a little museum over there."

He smiles and says, "I think I will, thank you."

While he does, Akari's mom says, "Mrs. Nakai…thank you very much for doing this for my daughter. I am very happy to know that both you and your daughter care so much for her."

My mom smiles, "It's no problem. I've grown quite fond of her. I'm happy to help."

Akari's mom looks uncomfortable for a moment, then she says, "I think, as much as you two clearly care about her, and how close you all are, I want to explain myself to you. I…don't know what your daughter told you about our…confrontation, before you arrived…"

Well, this might get awkward fast.

My mom says, "She told me that she crossed a line she shouldn't have."

Akari's mom looks at me with some slight approval before saying, "Well, that may be true. But I still want to explain myself. I…don't want you to think of me as a bad mother. And I am afraid I may have given that impression."

She must feel sort of intimidated by my mom's much warmer parenting style.

My mom says, "I can assure you I don't think you are a bad mother."

"Thank you, but I still want to say this. I want you to listen too, Akari."

Akari nods. Her dad also turns around from the bookshelf to listen. His eyebrows are raised. He clearly didn't know she was planning on saying something.

"I'm sure you noticed I'm not exactly a warm person. I have a hard time with emotions. My own are not very strong. This makes it hard for me to understand Akari. My…inability to understand leads to frustration. That frustration gets directed at everyone around me." She sighs and says, "Sometimes, at Akari herself." There is real remorse on her face. She turns to her daughter. "And I am very sorry for that, Akari. It is…inexcusable. A flaw of mine I need to correct."

From the look on Akari 's face, I think this is the first time her mother has ever apologized to her. She looks surprised, but also moved. I look at her father, who has a similar facial expression.

After pausing for a moment, she adds, "I want you to know that the frustration doesn't mean I don't care for her. It was borne precisely because I care about her so much. I desperately want her to be happy and healthy. There have been so many challenges that have complicated that over the years, and my own fear of these challenges causes me to lash out at them. Especially the ones I don't understand. I can understand her lupus. I can read about it, learn the facts, and understand what needs to be done. I can be frustrated with her lupus without it seeming like I'm upset with her. But…this isn't true with her anxieties which are tied up more with who she is. I desperately want them to go away in one fell swoop. So that she can be unburdened. That's where these frustrations come from. Because I want her to be happy. After today I better understand that these challenges are…being overcome by Akari herself, and that it's a process."

My mom looks at me expectantly.

Seriously? Am I supposed to take the lead here? I…guess she is talking to me more than anyone, since I'm the idiot that told her she has no compassion for her daughter. Ugh, fine.

"Thank you for sharing that. It helps me to understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you're trying your best to understand, just like Akari is trying her best to overcome these challenges. And that's really all anyone can ask of either of you."

My mom looks at me approvingly.

I'm glad she liked it, but what about Mrs. Yoshida? Am I about to receive another tongue lashing? Surely, not in front of my mom…and in my own house…right?

She nods, "Yes, that is very well put, Kayoko. Thank you."

I sigh in relief a little louder than I intended.

Akari scoots closer to her mom and hugs her. Her mom looks very uncomfortable, but she puts one arm around her, and she doesn't look upset. For her, that's probably what affection looks like.

My mom stands up and looks at Akari's parents, "Well, I think I will make dinner. But before I do, I wanted to tell you two that you are welcome to stay here tonight while Akari recovers."

Akari's mother looks around and says, "That is very kind of you, but where would we sleep?"

My mom thinks for a moment, "The girls can sleep in Kayoko's bed, you two can sleep in the master bedroom."

Akari's dad says, "But what about you?"

"I will sleep on the couch."

Akari's mom says, "But is that enough space for you?"

My mom laughs, "I'm the smallest one here, right? And when it comes to being comfortable in a small space, I have certain additional advantages." She points to her prosthetic legs.

There's a moment of silence. At first, I think their sensibilities are offended by my mom's disability humor. But then I look at Akari's parents and realize that with everything going on, they must not have noticed my mom's legs. They look stunned and embarrassed..

My mom notices this and simply plows on, "Plus, I will be closer to Kayoko's room to wake up Akari. So, I think that's the best plan."

Akari's mother nods and says, "Okay. Thank you for your hospitality. We will take advantage of it. Would you like help in the kitchen?"

My mom nods and the two moms head to the kitchen. With Mrs. Yoshida gone from the room, I feel like a weight is lifted from my chest. I wonder if I'm ever going to stop living in fear of that woman after what I saw today.

I move and sit down next to Akari while her dad thumbs through some of Saki's music.

She hugs me and says, "Th-thanks for everything today, Kayoko."

I huger her back, "You're welcome. Also, your performance was…amazing. Somehow, I haven't gotten to tell you that yet. You stole the show."

She blushes and says, "Th-thank you."

My phone vibrates and I pull it out.

Akari smiles and asks, "Is that your man?"

I scoff, "Is that what we're calling him now? But uh…yeah, it is."

Akari shoos me off to my room and I answer the call.

"Hey Hideki, how're you?"

"Really good. Just got home. It's nice to hear your voice."

"Yeah, I like hearing yours too. Though it would be better if you were here with it."

He laughs, "Yeah. Not sleeping together tonight is gonna be tough. I think I got addicted."

I giggle and say, "I know I did. Although I will be sleeping with Akari tonight. Maybe that will stave off withdrawal."

He laughs, "How is that little French horn wunderkind doing?"

"She's pretty good. Slight concussion like I told you, so my mom's looking after her tonight. Her parents are staying here too. She should be better tomorrow, and they should be able to hit the road."

"That's good. "

"I'm sorry I didn't do a better job telling you what was going on. I meant to text you about five times, but stuff kept happening."

"Once I heard about Akari I knew what happened. You were helping your friend. It isn't something that you need to apologize for."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. But I would have liked to meet your parents."

"Yeah, me too. They are convinced you're fake now."

I giggle, "When we get back, we will have to take a picture together and send it to them."

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"Well, unfortunately I need to go and have dinner with everyone. I miss you. Can't wait until we can sleep together again."

"I miss you too. Bye, Kayoko."

The rest of the evening is uneventful, which I'm thankful for. Everyone has calmed down, Akari is feeling reasonably well, and dinner is really good. Even Mrs. Yoshida is impressed with my mom's cooking, and something tells me she's probably a harsh critic. About everything.

I do see her in a different light now. It wasn't right of me to assume she doesn't care about her daughter. She loves her, she just doesn't show it in the same way my parents or grandparents do. She really needs to stop blaming Akari for her emotions, but she seems to understand that now. I'll be keeping an eye on her, to make sure she follows through on not doing that anymore, but I'm fairly sure she will. Of course…I'm not sure what I will do if she doesn't since she would just verbally destroy me if I ever tried to criticize her.

Now we're all turning in for the night and me and Akari are snug in my bed. Because of her concussion, my mom has to wake her up every two hours or so to be on the safe side, which means the three of us probably aren't going to sleep super well, but that's okay.

I look at her and say, "So…you had an eventful day, huh?"

She laughs, "Yeah. Some of it in a really good way…some of it in a really b-bad way. But eventful is about right. How's Hideki?"

"He's good. He just texted me goodnight. I really miss him." I pause for a moment and turn towards Akari. "I'm…starting to get really scared."

"Scared?"

"Yeah. I'm trying not to think about the…graduation…thing, but I can feel myself really falling for him. And fast. He's just…such a great guy in every conceivable way."

"W-what are you going to do?"

"Nothing. I'm scared but…I'm not going to break things off with him because of that. I'm so happy when I'm with him. I'm not going to give that up until I'm forced to."

Akari grabs my hand, "I think that's good. I'll be there wh-when you need me, okay?"

I smile at her, "I know. You have been for several months now. It…does make it a little easier to know that…when it happens, you'll be there for me."

"Yep. It helps knowing you'll be here for m-me too, like you were today."

I realize something that she probably doesn't know. I wasn't the only one there for her today.

"I forgot to tell you, Carsten is who got you to the nurse's office. Obviously, I couldn't do it. Carsten and Ai were both with you until I could get there at my much slower speed."

"Oh. Well, that was n-nice of them." She smiles, "I guess…all my f-friends helped me today."

[guthrum06]

Author's Note: Sexual Content

The winter holidays were fun. We had my whole family at our house for Christmas. And I mean whole family. My aunt, uncle, Daisuke, Kaito, my dad's parents, and my mom's mother and Sho. I think it's the first time I can remember having them all in one place, but I guess that's going to be the norm from now on for holidays. It was really nice.

I talked to Hideki on the phone every night of the break, sometimes for hours on end. I'm really excited he's coming back tonight. He has a mountain of studying to do, as examination hell really kicks off now, but we're planning on continuing what we had been doing before. He's going to try his best to make time for me, and he's even mentioned going on a date this weekend. And, if nothing else, we'll sleep with one another every night. Something we both really love to do.

Thankfully, I also got my sling off yesterday. Only having one arm for the first part of this relationship has been frustrating at times.

He'll be arriving by bus and then walking up the hill. He should be here soon, so I'm waiting for him at the gates. It's cold, but my excitement is keeping me surprisingly warm. Before long, I can see him in the distance. I walk out a little way, so that we can meet even sooner. He has a smile on his face that I can even see from a distance, and I think he can probably see mine too. When we meet, we wrap our arms around each other and share a long kiss in the cold.

When we finally break the kiss I say, "Welcome back."

He laughs and says "That was some welcome."

"Yeah? It was nice to be able to wrap both my arms around you for once."

He laughs, "I liked it too."

He takes my hand, and we head to his dorm room.

...

As we're getting all snuggly in bed for the night after a nice make out session, he asks, "Do you want to come to lunch with me tomorrow? I'd like you to meet my two best friends." He laughs, "If only to prove you're real."

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"I also want to take you on a date this weekend."

"I'd really like that. But are you sure you have time?"

"Yeah, I think so. I will be studying a lot…pretty much until graduation. But things aren't completely insane until next month with the national admission test. Then March will be my entrance exam." His voice wavers some. "Then…graduation. So…this is probably the best time we…have, to go on some dates."

From the way he said that I think he is having as hard of a time as I am thinking ahead to that time. I kind of hope he is. But at the same time, I really don't want him to get hurt.

"Okay. Obviously, my schedule isn't nearly as crazy. I would love to go on some dates. Does that also mean this is the best time for you to meet my mom and grandparents?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Okay. Well, it sounds like you have a busy January too now."

He laughs and says, "Yeah but it will be a good kind of busy."

---

The next day I go to lunch with Hideki to meet his friends. They eat in the cafeteria, something I haven't done for lunch since the first day of the school year. It does feel a little weird not being with my friends out on the quad for the first time in…forever, but he has come to lunch with my friends several times and I am excited to meet his friends too.

After we go through the line and get our lunch Hideki guides me to where his friends are seated, and we sit across from them. My first impression is that these two guys are more outwardly nerdy than Hideki, but Hideki is a pretty huge nerd (and so am I), so I shouldn't be too surprised.

"Hey guys, this is Kayoko. My girlfriend you didn't believe existed. And Kayoko, this is Masa and that's Kenzo."

Kenzo is an average-sized guy with brown eyes behind a pair of very thick glasses. I am unsure whether they are a fashion choice or an indication of visual impairment. He's also wearing a red hat with…some sort of logo on it.

Masa is a smaller guy with shaggy red hair, and he has a cochlear implant, which I recognize because my Uncle Mitsuru has one. It's a surgically implanted device that can roughly replicate hearing for people.

"Hey, it's nice to meet you both."

They both stare at me for a moment without speaking before turning to Hideki. Kenzo says, "She's way too good looking, dude. If you're going to masquerade some girl around as your fake girlfriend, it has to be more believable than this."

I giggle, "I assure you, I am his actual girlfriend. Have been for a few weeks now."

He turns towards me and smiles, "It was a joke. I can barely see you. Basically, all I can make out for sure is that you have long dark hair. But I'm pretty sure you're too cute for this guy."

Masa quietly says, "She is."

Hideki says, "I agree, but stop telling her that, okay? I don't need her finding out." He turns to me and says, "Sorry the whole conversation has been about your appearance so far. These guys are animals."

I laugh, "That's okay. I'm sure we won't stay on the topic too much longer, right?"

Kenzo says, "Right. So, you play piano too, yeah? That's the origin story here?"

"Yep, that's right. Hideki is my mentor turned boyfriend, I guess. I hadn't really thought of it that way until now."

Hideki laughs and says, "Me neither. Sounds a little creepy. Let's not go with that."

I say, "Agreed. Hey, since we're talking about how me and Hideki met, how did you three meet? You're all in different classes, you're not in the same clubs, and you aren't neighbors, right?"

Masa says, "That's right. I guess those are the main ways people become friends here, huh?"

Kenzo turns to Hideki and says, "Do you want to tell her? Or should I?"

Hideki grimaces a little and then turns to me. "I'll tell her. As I'm sure you've noticed, we're nerds. We play Dungeons and Dragons together."

"Is that…a video game?"

His friends laugh at me.

"I guess that's a no, then."

Hideki says, "It's kind of like a board game, I guess is the closest thing? You make characters and play through various scenarios, exploring dungeons and stuff."

"Oh. Well, that's cool. So, you found each other in your first year because you were looking for people to play that with?"

Masa says, "Yep. Do you want to play?"

"Um, yeah I could some time. That might be cool."

Hideki says, "Come on, guys. You know we don't really have time for that with examination hell and everything. Plus, she doesn't even really know what she's saying yes to." He turns to me and says, "These things take a very long time."

Masa crossed his arms, "Yeah, yeah. Fine. I thought maybe we could squeeze one more campaign in, but you're probably right. Man, the end of high school sucks."

I say, "Yeah, I don't envy you. I have a couple other third year friends going through it too. You might know them, I guess. Daisuke and Kaito?"

Kenzo says, "Oh, I know Kaito. He's cool. Been in class with him all three years. He brings good things to eat a lot. Our teacher mixes our names up all the time."

Masa says, "I know Daisuke. I joined science club earlier this year."

"Oh, that's cool. I really like science. I almost did that instead of music." I look at Hideki and put my arm on his shoulder. "Kinda glad I chose music though."

Hideki laughs and says, "Me too."

I say, "Anyway, Daisuke's family and mine are really close. That's how I know those two."

Masa says, "Oh yeah. Both your moms work here, right?"

"Yep. My dad did too. I've lived in the town down the hill my whole life."

Masa says, "Oh…yeah. He was our science teacher. Sorry. I probably shouldn't have brought this up."

Hideki grabs my hand under the table, I smile at him. He's making sure I'm okay.

"It's fine. I'm glad you were taught by him. I've realized lately that he must have taught an insane number of people over the years. There are a lot of people out there who he affected, and that's pretty cool. I mean, the current science teacher was one of his students."

Masa says, "She's really hot."

Kenzo slaps him in the arm and says, "Not cool, dude."

Hideki's glaring at him too.

I mean, I did just say something about remembering my dad so it was maybe a little rude, but oh well. It's kind of funny too.

I laugh and say, "Yes. She is attractive, isn't she? She's my homeroom teacher too. The guys in that class are all in love with her."

Masa says, "I'm in love with her."

I am about to laugh but notice the other two boys aren't.

I say, "You're…serious?"

He blushes and looks down, "Kinda. I like her a lot. And not just because she's hot. She's…why I switched to science club. I wanted to get to know her better, and that's the best I could do since she's a teacher."

I nod, "Yeah…that would be a tough crush to have. Maybe after graduation you could confess. Who knows, right?"

He says, "Do you really think I should?"

"Um…if you really feel that way about her, yeah. Just…know that there's a very good chance you get rejected. You know…she's like 20 years older than you and stuff, kind of makes it unlikely." I remember Carsten's advice to me. "You might regret it, though. If you never tell her."

He nods and says, "That's a good point. Thank you, Kayoko."

The bell rings for us to return to class.

"Well, it was nice meeting you both. I hope I see you a bit more."

Kenzo says, "Yep! That would be cool."

Masa says, "Agreed. If I…um…need to talk more about the…teacher, can we?"

Wow. He might really be in love with her.

"Yeah, I don't know how much I can help, but I'll try."

Hideki takes my hand and says, "I'll send you her number."

Then we take off towards the classrooms together.

He says, "I know they're silly, but they liked you."

I laugh, "I liked them too. Is Masa…serious about Ms. Hamada?"

He nods, "As serious as he's been about any girl. He has it pretty bad for her. It's sort of tearing him up."

"Poor guy. That would be hard."

He nods and bends down to kiss me and then says, "I'll see you in band."

"Yeah, see you then."

As he walks away, I feel my heart pound from the kiss he just gave me. I wonder whether Masa has it harder than me.

---

"Which of these outfits do you think I should go with?" On my bed, I have laid out a striped black and gray sweater dress next to a more casual outfit that consists of jeans and a cozy sweater.

I have my first date with Hideki today. And…actually, my first date ever. I'm nervous, and Ai and Akari have more dating experience than me, so they are in my dorm room trying to help me decide what to wear.

Ai asks, "What is this place you're going to again?"

"Um…it's a jazz club. But I only…sorta know what that is. My mom wasn't very helpful either. Kind of like a nice bar that serves food…but with a jazz band?"

Ai says, "So, kind of a classy place…but not super classy?"

"Yeah. I think that's accurate. Maybe."

Akari chuckles and says, "D-don't be so nervous."

Me and Ai look at her with matching smirks on our faces.

She rolls her eyes and says, "Okay fine, I know that's s-strange coming from me. I just m-mean, I see how he looks at you. Whether it's your pajamas, or your uniform, or casual clothes, he will think you look a-amazing no matter what you w-wear."

Ai says, "The girl does have a point."

I do like how he looks at me. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it.

"Okay. I think I'm going to go with the sweater dress. It makes me feel sexier. Accentuates my curves more, yeah?"

They both nod.

Ai raises her eyebrows suggestively and rests her chin on her fist as she says, "Soooo…going for sexy are we?"

I blush. "Yeah. Is that bad?"

Akari laughs, "N-No. I think she wants to know if you're expecting something special to happen t-tonight."

Ai nods in confirmation.

"I guess I am. We've been very wholesome so far. We sleep together every single night, but we still haven't done anything more than French kiss. And all of that has been amazing, but I kinda want something a little…sexier, to happen tonight. I guess. I um…don't want to have sex. But maybe some other stuff?"

Ai and Akari both nod approvingly. They're more experienced than me in these matters. Especially Ai.

I change into the dress and look at myself in the mirror and I really like how it looks. Despite covering most of my body and being made of thick knit material, the dress is also very tight against my body and is especially flattering for my chest. The stripes emphasize things even more. I'm probably also going to put a belt around my waist to add to the effect.

Ai says, "Damn girl. Seeing you in that dress makes me want to do something sexy with you. Carsten doesn't have to know, right?"

Akari and I giggle and then I say, "It really looks that good?"

Akari smiles broadly and says, "For sure. Y-you look amazing."

I turn around and smile at them both, "Thanks. You two helped a lot."

...

I'm about to meet Hideki at the front gates. I'm excited to see what he thinks of my outfit. Before long I see him approaching from the dorms. Based on what he's wearing, I think I chose the right outfit. He's wearing slacks, loafers, and a cardigan with a button-down shirt underneath it. He looks great. Once he can really get a good look at me, I can see he thinks I do too. Normally he's good about not staring at my chest, but right now that's exactly what he's doing. That's the effect I was going for.

"You look…amazing, Kayoko. Wow."

He bends down and kisses me and puts his hands on my lower back.

"You look great too. I'm really excited for our first date. I called the cab; it should be here soon."

I'm a little embarrassed that we need a cab, but I really can't walk down the hill. I mean maybe I could, but my parents really drilled it into me that I never should, because the uneven terrain puts me at risk. So, we're taking a cab to the bottom of the hill and then taking a bus to Sendai. I considered asking my mom to give us a ride to the bust stop, but I decided that's probably not a great idea for our first date.

In our brief time in the back of the cab, we hold hands and smile at each other, before getting out at the bus stop. I try to pay for the cab, which is really cheap, but Hideki won't let me.

He smiles at me, "I'll get this. It's a date, right?"

I laugh and say, "Yep. Sounds good to me."

When we board the bus, we sit together and hold hands. I rest my head on his shoulder as we watch the sights go by. I know this city pretty well, after all, my grandmother lives here. Seeing the outskirts of town is oddly comforting because of that. Eventually, we arrive in a more densely populated area with more lights.

We get off the bus in the center of the city, a place I don't know nearly as well. It's very busy. I suppose it is a Saturday. There's probably lots of couples out on dates.

We escape the cold and the hustle and bustle of the city as we enter the jazz club. It is warm, dimly lit, and filled with energy. We have to get bracelets that show we aren't old enough to drink, but then we're allowed in. There's a five-man jazz band playing on a stage. There's a trombonist, a clarinetist, a drummer, a cornetist, and a pianist. Naturally, my eyes are most drawn to the piano. The man playing it is probably in his 70s, but he plays with a kind of frenetic energy we don't really get to display in classical music. It's kind of infectious.

We take a seat close enough to the band to appreciate them, but far enough away that we can still talk to each other.

Hideki asks, "How familiar are you with jazz?"

"Not very. I mean, I like it when I hear it but I don't go out of my way to listen to it. I've never seen a jazz band perform. Seeing that pianist's enthusiasm and skill right now definitely has me more into it."

He nods, "Yeah. I've always kind of wanted to try out jazz piano. I probably will at some point once I'm in the U.S. There are a lot of jazz clubs in New York. But…it is a lot different than what we're used to. Lots of improvisation that we classical pianists have never really learned how to do. We're always sticking to a script. Then there's these guys who…I mean, they aren't even really playing off music right now, just a general idea."

"Yeah…that's crazy. I mean it's a little more chaotic than the music we play, but at the same time it feels somehow…cohesive."

Hideki smiles, "Chaotic and cohesive. That's a great description. I'm stealing that."

I laugh, "Okay, I guess I'll let you have it. You know, somehow, we haven't really talked about what got each of us into music, have we?"

He laughs, "Mine's pretty easy. My mom made me learn piano when I was 5."

A waiter comes and we order our drinks and food. After that I resume the conversation.

"Made you, huh?"

"Yeah, but I ended up really loving it from the start. I'm choosing to do it now. Something my dad isn't thrilled with, as I've told you. It's basically like he's punishing me with examination hell." He grimaces. "What about you? I guess your aunt was who got you into it?"

"Yeah, kind of, anyway. My story is a little more complicated. So, my dad was really close to my aunt when they were at Yamaku, because he was dating her best friend."

"Oh, Saki Enomoto, right?"

I nod, "My dad married her right after high school, but as you probably know she died quite young. Years later he and my mom met and got married, and then they adopted me. Oh. I'm adopted, I don't think I've told you that, have I?"

"No, but that's cool."

"Yeah, I kind of forget sometimes. I was adopted as a baby, so I don't remember anything but my parents. Anyway, back to the point – my dad never stopped loving Saki and she was a big part of my childhood despite the fact that I never knew her. My aunt made sure I listened to lots of her music from when I was a baby, and my parents encouraged it too. So, before I started playing music myself, what I loved was Saki's music. Her music was really the first music I ever knew. So, I kind of think of her as getting me into music. Then by the time I was 10 I started learning the piano from my aunt and then about six years later I met a cute pianist boy who helped me get better."

He laughs, "Yeah? Do I know him?"

I reach out for his hand, he gives it to me, and I say, "I think you might."

The waiter comes and ruins this moment a little, but I'm hungry so I guess it's acceptable. This place had a surprisingly good selection of seafood. Hideki got shrimp and broccoli and I got grilled muscles. We end up splitting each of ours so we can share.

"I didn't know what to expect from a jazz club in terms of food, but that was really good."

He nods, "Yeah, I've been here once before, and I was surprised. That's part of why I thought it was a good fit for you, since you like food so much."

I laugh, "I guess that's true. Who doesn't like food, though?"

"Well, that's true, but you're really into it."

I giggle, "I guess maybe that's true. I'm used to being around my mom who is way more into it, and by comparison I don't feel like I am. But compared to normal people I guess I'm intense."

"Hey, do you want to dance?"

My heart sinks. I hope he wasn't hoping to dance a lot tonight. Ai's insecurities about her disability in her relationship pop into my head. If he really wants a girl who can dance…well, that's not me. And there's no way it can be.

I look down. "Um. I can't, really."

"You don't know how?"

"Well…that too, but it's because I…kinda can't."

His face transforms to composed to ashamed, "Kayoko…I'm really sorry I did that. That was…really dumb of me."

I grab his hand, "It's okay. We can sort of dance. As long as you're okay with us holding each other and gently swaying to the music. That sounds nice to me, actually. Beyond that can be dangerous for me. Too much bending of knees and elbows."

He smiles, "That sounds really good to me, too."

He takes my hand, and we go to the dance floor. When we get there, he wraps his arms around me, resting his hands on my lower back. I put my arms around him and rest my head on his chest while we gently sway. I am sure we look kind of silly, because we're at a jazz club and the music they are playing right now definitely isn't the kind one slow dances to. But that's okay. Being this close with him on our first date, in a neat place feels amazing.

...

The minute we're alone in my room with the door closed, we embrace each other and start kissing more passionately than we have before. I think the dress was a success. I really wanna do something special for him tonight.

I break the kiss and take his hand and guide him to my bed, where I lie down and beckon him to join me. He does as I ask and lays himself next to me and we resume kissing for a while. Our mouths are more open than they have been before, and we're more aggressively using our tongues. After a few minutes of this I look him in the eyes and say, "You can touch my boobs, you know. If you want to. I…want you to." He looks slightly embarrassed for a moment, but then he starts kissing me again. His hand slowly creeps from my shoulder down to my right breast, before resting it there. I've never had someone touch me like this before. It feels so good with him. He breaks our kiss and starts kissing the top part of my neck and he slowly kisses his way down.

He's kissing my neck and caressing me and I'm enjoying every minute of it, but suddenly something pops into my mind that I need to tell him now. It might ruin the moment, but it's important for me to say it before things go too far. I'm not sure what his plans for the night are.

"Hideki? I…I really want to do something for you…tonight... But…I'm not ready to have s-sex. I'm sorry."

He stops what he's doing, smiles at me and brushes my hair out of my face before leaving his hand there and looking me in the eyes.

"Hey, don't be sorry. You don't need to be. I'm not disappointed. Remember, you're the first person I've done any of this with too. I don't want to do anything you don't want to do. I'll be happy whatever it is we do. We could even just never do more than kiss, snuggle and sleep together and that's enough for me. You just let me know your boundaries, okay?"

He's the sweetest guy ever. If he wasn't leaving, I would want him to be my first. Maybe even tonight. I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex with him though. His leaving is already going to really hurt, I think it would hurt even more if we did that. But I'll think about that stuff later. There are SOME firsts that I do want to have with him tonight.

I give him a passionate kiss while our bodies become pressed against one another. After a minute I pull away and say, "…I definitely want to do more than that snuggle and sleep tonight. If you do."

He nods and I sit up and slide out of the top part of my dress. His eyes immediately move to my breasts, making me giggle. Even with my bra still on, I can tell that he loves what he's seeing. I'm glad too, because I don't have easy access to sexy bras. Because of my issues with my elbows, back clasping bras don't really work for me. I don't really want to risk a dislocation just to put a bra on or take it off. And when it comes to front closing bras, sexier options are hard to find. I guess I should probably try a little harder to do that, though. The one I'm wearing is very bland, simple, and white. He doesn't care, though. He loves how I look. He always does.

He comes back in for a more carnal kiss this time, but it is still…somehow gentle. I wonder whether he's always gentle, or he just knows he needs to be with me. Either way, I love it.

I grab his left hand and guide it up to my breast and press it firmly against it. Most of my breast is still covered, but I can still feel his large hands making direct contact with part of it. My breasts are on the larger end, but his hand is so big that he can fit the whole thing in it. He's a bit tentative at first, hardly moving his hand, but as he continues to kiss me, he begins moving his hand more. It feels incredible.

He stops for a moment and gets on his knees to take his own shirt off. This is the first time I've seen him shirtless. He looks really good. He's thin, but his body is just toned enough that his muscles have plenty of definition. I put my hands on his body, feeling it for myself for the first time. With him in front of me, I also notice that there's something protruding in his pants. I can't help but giggle when I see it.

He smiles, "What's so funny?"

"Um…not funny, but…happy, I think. Is this…" I brush my hand against him causing him to shudder, "...painful? It kind of looks trapped in there. You can take your pants off if you need to."

He blushes, and it's adorable.

He says, "A-are you sure?"

And I say, "Yeah."

He smiles at me and gets off the bed to take his pants off, now he just has on his boxers. Figuring I should also reach a greater stage of undress, I say "Hey, Hideki?" to make sure he's looking at me. When he does, I undo the front clasp of my bra, letting my breasts fall free. His jaw drops and I giggle at his reaction. I'm not sure I'm ever going to have a moment in my life when I feel sexier than this.

I beckon for him to come get back in bed with me, and he does so eagerly. He gets on my side and starts kissing me again. He moves his hand to touch my breasts, he uses his palm to push my right breasts into my left breast. Now that he's pushing them together, he can touch them both at the same time with his large, strong hand. His fingertips fondling my left breast as his palm presses against my right. I'm never going to be able to look at his hands the same way again. Even watching him play the piano is going to make me think of this kind of thing now. I love how he touches me. I want to start touching him.

I reach down and brush my hand against him. Now, with only a single thin layer of fabric between us, he shudders even more at my touch. I love to see it. And I love that he got this way because of me.

I rub him a few more times over his boxers as his breathing gets shallower. This is nice, but I want to make him feel even better. I reach my hand under his boxers. The moment my hand comes into direct contact with his flesh, we both sigh. Before long he breaks the kiss because the pleasure has become too great to focus on it.

Since he can't kiss any more, I move myself in front of him, and sit to the side of his legs. I pull his boxers down just far enough to set him completely free. I curl my fingers around him and begin to stroke. He starts moaning softly. My breasts are lightly bouncing with every stroke and he's enjoying watching that. I thought he would, that's why I got somewhere where he would have a good view.

We continue this way for a while, as I slightly increase the speed of my actions. Eventually he reaches out a hand and I can tell he wants to be able to touch me and not just watch me. I lean forward over him so that he can caress my breasts and he does so with a lustful look in his eyes. I increase the speed of my motion as he begins to moan more frequently. I'm happy to be making him feel this good. I'm…I'm going to be the first girl to do this for him. And he's the first boy I've done this for. That makes me happy. I start to smile as I think of that and speed up the motion even more.

His legs are really starting to shudder. He must be getting close. He's starting to breathe harder too. He says, "K-Kayoko…" and I've never loved the sound of my name more. An instant later, he reaches his limit, and he moans loudly while a white sticky substance comes out of him and onto my chest positioned directly above. I keep stroking him, not wanting his pleasure to reach an end. Eventually though, with a strained voice he says,

"K-kayoko, that's…really sensitive now."

I immediately withdraw my hand and feel really embarrassed, I bashfully say. "Oh…I'm sorry. I didn't know…that happened."

He smiles at me and gestures for me to come lay next to him. He puts his arm around me.

"No need to be sorry for that. That was…amazing."

I look up at him and smile and say, "Good. But in the future, I guess I should stop sooner, huh?"

He nods, "Yeah, but it's not a big deal." He sighs happily, "That was…really special for me, Kayoko."

I kiss him on the cheek, "It was for me too. Um…I'm…I'm glad you're the first boy I've done that for. It felt right to me."

He kisses me and says, "I'm glad you were the first to do it for me. It did feel right." He laughs and adds, "Really right."

Now that the moment has passed, I notice I'm covered in a rather messy substance. I try to get up in a way that he won't really question me, but it doesn't work because he doesn't want me to move away from him.

He says, "Hey, where are you going?"

I laugh and say, "I'm…getting stuff on you and the bed. I need to get a towel or something."

He hadn't noticed either, "Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. I didn't think of that." He lets me get up.

I grab a towel and wipe it off my chest and stomach. I also take off my dress the rest of the way, so I'm only in my underwear now. I get in bed and wipe his stomach for him too, and I'm about to wipe the rest of him too but then I say, "Uhm…are you…still sensitive?"

He says, "Yeah, probably. I'll do that part." He takes the towel and wipes himself very delicately. I would not have done a good job of that. Then, I take it from him and put it in my hamper before getting back into bed with him.

As we're lying there and basking in the afterglow and cuddling with almost no clothes on, I realize there is probably something we need to talk about before we fool around next time. And it was probably…not a great idea we didn't talk about it this time.

"Um…I just realized, we should…probably talk with one another about how to handle our…conditions, when we're intimate."

He opens his eyes and says "Shit."

This is the first time I've ever heard him curse. It sounds sort of unnatural coming from him. But kinda cute.

"You're right. I'm sorry I didn't think of that. You didn't get hurt, did you?"

"No. And you didn't get too out of breath, did you?"

He shakes his head, "I think if…we ever did something more…vigorous, that might be a problem. I should be okay with this kind of stuff. But we probably should make sure my inhaler is out and easy to get to just to be safe. It's buried in my bag right now. That would not have been great for you to deal with if I had an attack in the middle of that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I didn't ask before either." I sit up and kiss him on the cheek and then smile at him, "We were a little distracted. It's good we're thinking about it now."

He nods, "What do I need to be careful of with you?"

"Well, so far you've already kind of done it. Instinctively, maybe. You're gentle when we make out and stuff. If we do…more stuff in the future, I just have to move really slowly sometimes when I'm bending joints and stuff. And you can't really…yank on me or grab me very safely, so we probably should try to avoid that. I'll um…always have to be wearing my joint braces. I know that's not sexy, but yeah. It is what it is."

"Who says they aren't sexy?"

I giggle, "What, you think they are?"

He says, "I dunno. Kinda. No one else gets to see you with…just them on. You know?"

I smile at him, "I guess that's true. God, you're good. Even making me feel good about my braces. That's impressive." I rest my head on his chest.

He shrugs, "Is it impressive? I'm just telling you what I feel."

If I told you what I really feel right now…I would tell you I love you.

[guthrum06]

Author's Note: Sexual Content

It's been a week since our date. Another massive chunk of our relationship is over. Now, we eat lunch together every day, alternating between friend groups. We also see each other in band, usually eat dinner together, talk for a long time and then spend the night together. I've been able to make him feel good a couple more times too, and I'm really enjoying that.

We don't have a whole lot of time left where we'll get to see each other outside of band, lunch, and bedtime, so we're using this Saturday to go down to my mom's house so he can meet her and my grandparents.

I think normally when you introduce your family to your significant other, it's sort of a sign of, 'This is serious, and it's going to go on for a while,' but…we know that's not the case. He really wants to meet them though, which means a lot to me, even if I know it doesn't have the same meaning as it might have otherwise. I think he wants to meet them because he cares about me and wants to get to know me better. That's enough for me.

We're waiting at the gate for my mom to pick us up. He is surprisingly nervous. He's rocking back and forth on his feet and very fidgety in general.

I hug him and say, "Hey. You don't need to be so nervous."

"Isn't it normal to be nervous when you meet your girlfriend's parents?"

I look up at him, "I guess so. I'm just trying to help."

"What do I say…if they ask what I'm doing after this year?"

He knows I haven't told them about our relationship's expiration date . I guess it makes sense he's this nervous.

"Yeah…that's a good question."

He frowns, "I really don't want to lie to them."

"I know. But I don't want to tell them. Not yet." I reach up and put my hand on his cheek. "They will look at you differently. They will think…things that aren't true if they know. Like you're just using me or something. Or that you don't care about me. They won't get it. "

He nods unenthusiastically.

I think for a moment.

"If they ask you can say, 'Well, I have the Tokyo entrance exam coming up.' That's not a lie. They will just assume it means you're going there. Let them."

He looks down, "I guess that's better than a total lie…"

I sigh. "If you think it's better to tell them what you're really doing, you can. I will support that. But know that it will be followed by a question of how we will possibly stay together if you're in the U.S. And then we will have to tell them everything. To be honest, there's a chance they ask that about you going to Tokyo too, it's just a lot lower."

"Hmm…"

"You don't have to decide how you want to answer now. You can decide if they ask, and then we will go with the flow from there. Maybe we'll get lucky, and they won't ask at all."

"Okay. I will decide if they ask. I'm…really sorry that this is…how it is."

I smile up at him, "The only way you could change it is by giving up on your dream that you're already well on your way towards. I…don't want you to do that. I know you don't want to either."

My voice was on the verge of wavering several times there, but I don't think he noticed. What I told him is the truth, but that doesn't make it that much easier for me to say it.

"Oh, here's my mom." I squeeze his hand and smile at him. He looks less nervous than he was at least.

My mom leaves the car running but gets out with a huge grin on her face.

She says, "Hi Hideki, it's really nice to meet you." And in the next instant she is on him hugging him tightly. Poor Hideki isn't sure what he's supposed to do for a moment, but then he gingerly hugs her back.

He says, "N-nice to meet you, Mrs. Nakai."

"Oh, come on, just call me Emi. I already feel like I know you so well."

"Um…okay, Emi."

Then I hear my mother say something to him very softly, but I can't quite make it out. Whatever it is, Hideki turns red. The next instant my mom lets him go and gets back in the car while asking us to join her.

In retrospect, I probably should have given him more of a warning about her.

Before we get in, I ask Hideki, "What did she say to you that has you this flustered?"

He shrugs.

"Really, you won't tell me?"

He shrugs again, smiles, and gets in the car.

When I get in, I say, "Mom!? What did you say to him?!"

She smiles approvingly at Hideki in the rearview mirror and says, "Oh, nothing dear. I'm sure you're imagining things."

"Wow. You two just met and you're already keeping a secret from me. I see how it is."

This gets no response from either of them.

A minute later I say, "Fine, I don't even care anymore. Keep your secret."

They both ignore me.

Then my mom asks, "So, Hideki. How's the exam cramming going?"

He groans softly.

My mom laughs, "That well, huh? I think I probably made a similar sound when people asked me that in my third year at Yamaku. Alright, I won't ask about it anymore. I'm sure you'd like to get your mind off of it."

He laughs and says, "Yeah, that would be good."

Not long after we pull up to the house. Hideki takes my hand as we walk in. My grandparents aren't here yet, which is probably nice for Hideki. He can get used to the environment first.

My mom says, "I am going to the kitchen, you two don't mind me."

Hideki asks, "Do you want any help um…Emi?"

She smiles at him and says, "That's sweet of you to offer, but why don't you stay out here with your lovely girlfriend."

She heads for the kitchen before he can respond.

After she leaves, I whisper, "I probably should have warned you about her ahead of time, huh?"

He laughs, "Maybe. She's a little intense. But also very nice."

"Yeah, that about sums her up." I take his hand, "Here, most music people like to spend a lot of time over here, so let's make sure you see it."

I guide him to my piano and Saki's bookshelf. He notices the piano first.

He sits down on the bench and strokes the piano's wood so enthusiastically that it makes me a little jealous. Then he says, "How do you have a way nicer piano than me?"

I sit down next to him and mimic his stroking. "Oh, this old thing? It was a hand me down."

He smirks, "Your aunt, huh?"

I laugh, "Yep. She has an even nicer one at her house, as I'm sure you can guess."

Now he notices the picture on the piano, "Speaking of your aunt, that's her, isn't it?

"Yep, that's her, my dad, and Saki when they were your age. Pretty crazy, huh?"

"A little bit, yeah. I mean, we all know deep down that our teachers used to be young. But actually seeing it is always a surprise."

We hear the front door open.

"That must be my grandparents. Let's go greet them."

We get up and meet them in the living room and they both smile broadly when they see us.

I say, "Grandma, grandpa, this is Hideki, my boyfriend."

My grandma responds first, "Ah yes, the handsome young man I watched play piano the other day. It's nice to meet you."

My grandpa scoffs, "You make it sound like he gave you a private performance." Then he turns to Hideki and says, "It's very nice to meet you."

Hideki responds, "It's very nice to meet you too, Mr. and Mrs. Nakai."

We sit down together in the living room.

I say, "How are you two doing? Enjoying living here?"

My grandpa nods and says, "Very much. Our house is perfect, and we have a very nice neighbor who makes us dinner most nights. She usually even plays a game of chess with me."

I laugh, "Have you lost yet?"

"A few times, but I mostly win. I think that's pretty good for my age."

I giggle, "It is."

My grandma smiles and asks, "So, how are you two doing? I must say you look quite well together, and so happy." My grandpa nods in agreement.

Hideki takes my hand and smiles as he answers, "We're doing well. We are really happy. I'm a really lucky guy."

I smile at him and say, "I'm really lucky too."

My grandparents smile at our answers just as my mom comes to tell us dinner is ready.

We make some small talk while we eat, but as is often the case, the conversation really gets going once we're done eating.

My mom looks at us a bit with a smile and then says, "I have to say, Hideki. You remind me a little of my husband."

I scoff, "Because that's not a weird thing to say."

My grandma says, "Actually, I was thinking the same thing."

I look to my grandpa hoping for an end to this, but he nods too.

"What!? Really!?"

I take a look at Hideki in an attempt to understand what they mean. I come up empty.

My mom laughs, "Just a little. It's the eyes mostly. The same color and just…very kind."

I look at him even more closely and sigh before saying "Yeah. I guess I see it."

Hideki laughs and looks at me, "Why do you sound so disappointed?"

"I dunno. Isn't that…kinda weird?"

My mom responds before Hideki can, "I don't think so. No one said he looks just like your dad. Just that he reminds us of him a little. It isn't strange that you would like a man with a few of your dad's traits."

"Yeah, I guess…"

Hideki says, "Well, I think it's a compliment." He looks down for a moment and says, "I know…I didn't know him as well as any of you…" he looks at my mom. "But your husband," he looks at my grandparents "your son, was my teacher, and I really thought he was an amazing man. I think that even more from what I've learned of him from Kayoko. So, I would be proud to have some of his traits."

I grab his hand under the table and smile at him.

My mom and grandparents are a little choked up.

My mom says, "Well…thank you for saying that. It was lovely. I'm glad you got to know him."

My grandma looks at Hideki and says, "Hichan would have liked you, I think."

Hideki looks confused for a second. After all, how would he know who Hichan is? Surely his science teacher in his 50s didn't go by Hichan, right? But he figures it out from context in a few seconds.

He replies, "I hope so."

My grandpa is ready to change the subject, I think because he was getting too emotional.

"So, Hideki, you graduate soon, right? What's next?"

I squeeze his hand under the table again, letting him know I'm behind him however he answers.

He takes a few seconds, weighing his options. Then he says, "I'll be taking the Tokyo entrance exam in March."

I try not to look too relieved. But this is the best answer in the short term. There shouldn't be a painful follow-up where we have to explain that we won't be together very much longer.

My mom says, "Well good luck with it. I hope you get in."

Hideki nods politely and smiles.

Then she says, "So, I made sure to get us some dessert tonight for this special occasion. I got a whole strawberry cake from the Shanghai. Would anyone like any?"

I think maybe we're in the clear.

Everyone wants some of course. From here, the conversation is less tense.

My grandpa asks, "What do your parents do Hideki?"

He says, "My mom is a translator. She grew up in the U.S. speaking both Japanese and English in the home. She is the head translator for an advertising firm that translates Japanese ads for American audiences."

My grandpa nods, "Interesting. Sounds really good for her background. And your father?"

"He's the CFO at the same firm where my mom works. They met there when they were both new hires and sort of moved up together."

My mom says, "Workplace romance can be nice. I met Kayoko's father when we were both young employees at Yamaku." She laughs, "Well, the second time. We were students there first."

Hideki nods and asks, "How has Yamaku changed since you two were students?"

"Well, almost all of the buildings from back then are gone or thoroughly renovated. The school building is probably the least changed, I guess. But we didn't have the medical building, or your nice new dorms, or the indoor athletic facility back then."

I say, "Pretty crazy how much has changed. But when I think back to all the stories you and dad told me about Yamaku, it still feels the same, as it does in those, somehow."

My mom says, "I think that makes sense. The overall philosophy of the place hasn't changed. I think it's an incredible place for students who need it. When you're disabled, meeting others your own age who have similar challenges is an amazing thing that just…doesn't happen in normal school."

Hideki nods, "I agree. It's a great place" He looks at me and adds, "I'm…really going to miss it."

...

We're back at Yamaku after our successful visit. We're in my dorm room tonight and snuggling in our underwear. This is how we generally sleep now. Me in a T-shirt and panties and him in boxers and a shirt. He's laying on his back and I'm resting my head on his chest. We have our arms around each other.

"They really liked you. I'm glad."

He says, "Yeah. Me too. They are really great people."

He shifts around a little.

"I did…kind of realize they will probably hate me one day. But I will worry about it later."

"Why would they hate you?"

"Well…they will know the Tokyo thing wasn't exactly true."

"Maybe. They don't have to find out."

"How will they not find out?"

"Do we have to talk about this now? I just…wanna pretend that whole…you leaving this isn't happening. For now, at least."

I can tell he's uneasy about this. I think I'm going to distract him. I've learned I have that ability.

I slide myself off him, smile at him mischievously, and take my shirt off. He still drops his jaw every time he sees my breasts. I don't think I'll ever get tired of that. I press myself against him and start kissing him. He reaches around me and puts his hand on my butt while we continue our kiss.

After doing this for a while I peek and see that he is fully erect. I move my hand down from his chest to the top of his boxers, but just when I am about to touch him, he blocks my hand from touching him. I stop kissing him and ask,

"You don't want me to do that?"

"I love when you do that but…can I …do something for you tonight instead? You have for me a few times now, so…I wanted to for you. I want to make you feel the same way you make me feel."

I am very uncertain about this. I haven't shown Hideki that part of my body yet. I've always had my underwear on. I haven't decided if I want to, or if I want to save that for someone else. But…he wants to do it for me. And he has shown me that part of him. He's really special to me too. I wanted to save this for someone I love…and I do love him, even if I can never say it. I can still save sex for someone else.

He notices my hesitation and says "I…um, don't have to. If you're not ready for that "

I respond by kissing him and moving my body away from him a bit to create some space for him to work. I take his hand and guide it down to my panties and press it against me.

I gasp softly. This is the first time someone else has touched me like this. I think it's good that it's him. It does feel right to do this. We continue to kiss as he begins to move his hand up and down with a little more pressure. As the feeling of pleasure in my groin intensifies, I find myself unable to remain in the position I am in, so I roll on to my back. Now he sits up and kisses me while continuing to rub me. He used his other hand to caress both of my breasts at the same time.

My body starts to convulse a little bit and I try to keep my moans quiet.

He breaks the kiss and says, "Is it okay if I take these off?"

I hesitate for a moment and then nod.

He slides my panties off and then says, "Your whole body is so beautiful, Kayoko."

I smile at him, "I'm glad you like it. You're the first to see any of these...intimate parts of me, you know."

He smiles back and says, "I know," before we resume our kiss, and he goes back to touching me how he was before. Now with that last layer of fabric gone, it feels even more intense. His hands are so big and strong, but he's using them deftly, delicately. I guess it makes sense for a piano player. I can tell he doesn't exactly know what he's doing, and I wouldn't expect him to. What he's doing still feels amazing.

This continues for a while, with me moaning softly as he touches me all over my body. I love how his hands feel all over me. I get lost in the sensation for a while. Eventually he sort of bashfully says, "Let me know if you have any…guidance."

I smile at him and move his hand, which was largely focusing on my opening to the area above it. He's done so much work already that this really won't take long. He takes my lead and begins rubbing where I put his hand. Now my body really starts to convulse, my stomach and legs start to tremble.

"Hi…Hideki…"

He smiles down at me as his hands continue to work. A few seconds later, I am nearing the edge. I take his hand that is fondling my breasts and press it against them more roughly. I really want him to grab them. Hard. He gets the hint and pushes against them harder than he usually does, and that plus what is going on down below pushes me completely over. Shockwaves flow throughout my body from my groin to everywhere else, I do my best to muffle an incredibly long moan, but I'm not very successful. I'm pretty sure all my neighbors know what's going on in here now, but I definitely don't care in this moment.

Once it's over I pull him down towards me and kiss him, then I whisper, "You're really good with your hands."

He lays down beside me and smiles proudly. I wonder if I smiled like that the first time I did this for him. It does feel great to make someone you care about feel that good.

Now, he snuggles my naked body. That was so intense that I'm exhausted. I wanted to do something for him, but between my exhaustion and how he's holding me, I don't think that's gonna happen. I hope he isn't too disappointed.

---

I wake up the next morning in Hideki's arms, but it's a little different than usual, because I'm not wearing anything but my joint braces.

I smile remembering what he did for me last night. I don't know what time it is, but I think I'm going to enjoy being cozy and naked with him a little while longer.

Only a few minutes after I close my eyes, his alarm goes off. Crap. He has to get up and get to studying.

He starts to stir. I turn around and give him a kiss that wakes him up a little more. He opens his tired eyes and realizes I'm naked. He gets a silly smile on his face, and he says,

"I already loved waking up next to you, but I really like your new pajamas."

I laugh at him and say, "I bet you do."

He sits up. It really stinks that he has to go. I won't see him again until tonight. I'm tempted to use my body to distract him. I'm almost sure it would work. But he needs to study, and I need to let him.

As he's getting ready, I throw on some clothes of my own.

Before he leaves, I hug him and we kiss. I say, "Last night was really great. And not just the orgasm part." We laugh. "I'll be looking forward to seeing you tonight. Have a good day."

He smiles and kisses me again and says, "You too, Kayoko."

I hate watching him leave my room.

When he does, I lay back in bed happily. Not too much later, I hear Akari's distinctive knock.

"Come in, Akari."

She does and closes the door behind her with a huge smile on her face.

I say, "What has you so happy this morning?"

She giggles, "Last night…d-did you two…?"

I don't know what she's asking at first, but  then I connect the dots. I turn bright head and put my hands over my eyes.

I say, "You heard, didn't you?"

She laughs, "W-well, I know I heard something I haven't heard before. S-so you guys went all the way?"

I sit up and bashfully say, "No. Not all the way." I sigh. "I guess since you heard I may as well just tell you. He gave me an orgasm with his hands. It was so amazing I immediately fell asleep afterwards."

She nods and smiles, "Th-that's really nice. Do you think you will with him?"

"Will what? Go all the way?"

She nods.

I shake my head. "No."

"Why? Y-you don't love him?"

I frown and wring my hands together. "No. I…I think I do love him. But…I can't tell him."

Akari frowns, "B-because he's leaving?"

I nod, "I don't wanna say it to him. I can't when I know I'm going to lose him. That's why I also don't want to give him my virginity. I think…I'm going to have all my other firsts with him. But I'm saving that one for someone else. Someone I think I could be with forever, maybe."

Akari frowns and sits next to me on the bed and hugs me. I don't really know why at first. But then I notice a few tears on my face. So far, I haven't cried about the situation at all. I've thought about it a few times, but never really sat down and let the tears flow. But apparently, I need to.

I hug Akari back and allow myself to cry about the love I know that I'm destined to lose.

[guthrum06]

There are only three weeks until Hideki leaves. Time has really gone by quickly. This is partly because being together is so amazing that time flies. But it's also because we see each other a lot less now since he's so busy preparing for exams. We've continued sleeping with each other every night, and if we're not too tired, we usually fool around too. Neither of us has ever brought up having sex. I think he's avoiding it for the same reason I am. But hey, it works. It would be harder if he really wanted to, and I had to keep refusing.

Hideki is studying late tonight, something that is commonplace these days. He has his national admission test tomorrow, and after he finishes that he's going to have to start prepping for his admission test in Tokyo. When he's done studying, he usually texts me and then we meet in my dorm or his.

I'm taking the time to study too, as we have our own tests to worry about. Not quite as scary as anything Hideki or Daisuke are going through right now, but they aren't exactly easy either.

I'm in the library with Ai, Akari, and Carsten. It is the first time I have been with all three of them outside of lunch since the night Akari got hurt. I feel a little bad about that, but none of them have complained. Ai and Carsten understand how new relationships can be, and Akari knows that I only have so much time left.

As a study group, we work well together. We each excel at different subjects. This allows us to have sections where each of us leads the group. I'm good at science, Carsten is good at English, Ai is good at Japanese, and Akari is good at history.

We've been studying dutifully for a few hours now and Ai is starting to get a little restless. She's looking around and fidgeting in her wheelchair.

She asks me, "So, how are things with Hideki?"

I smile while I continue studying without looking up, "They're really good."

"Then I guess you guys are going to try to make it work after graduation, huh?"

I drop my pen mid-stroke and frown. Akari valiantly tries to deflect the issue.

"H-hey, Ai, what did you say were the three main themes in Kokoro? I f-forgot to write it down. Can you help me?"

Ai looks at Akari and then back at me.

Akari's attempt might have made things even worse.

Then she frowns. "You're…not staying together, are you?"

I should have stayed better composed here, but it's getting harder the closer we get.

I sigh and say, "No, we aren't."

Carsten looks up from his book now and he says, "You're not even going to try?"

I shake my head. I feel tears coming but I need to hold them down. We're in public.

Ai scrunches up her face in confusion and says, "Why the hell not?"

"Um…we agreed from the beginning that it would be like this."

Ai's face transforms from one of confusion to one of anger, "You mean he's just…using you? How did he trick you into that?" She turns her wheelchair around in a flash and points it towards the exit. "Where the hell's this guy's room?"

I sigh, "I wanted to do it even though I knew he was going to leave. He told me all the details when I confessed. I agreed to the condition. He didn't do anything wrong."

Carsten says, "Okay…but it still doesn't explain why you aren't even going to try."

I look down as tears start to form in the corners of my eyes, "I'm sorry…I…I…can't talk about this anymore. I think I'm going to go. Akari can fill you in on everything."

I stand up and start getting my things together.

Carsten says, "We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."

"Thanks, but my mood is kind of ruined now. It's going to be hard to focus."

Ai frowns and says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

I sigh, "It's okay. You all care about me, so I get it. But…this is already really hard. I care about all of you, but…I just...don't have it in me to explain myself to you right now." I look at Akari, "You can tell them everything you know, okay?" She nods before getting up to hug me. After we hug I say, "I'll see you all later."

---

There's only one week left with Hideki. I'm really starting to feel the clock ticking by now. I'm in my room and attempting to study, but I keep thinking about the fact that by the time I know what grade I got on the test I'm studying for, Hideki will be gone.

I've slept in the same bed as him every night we've both been at Yamaku for the last three months. I think maybe I need to stop doing that. Maybe it will make it hurt less when he leaves if I stop sleeping with him every night.

I text him, "Hey, something came up with my mom and she needs my help with something, so I'll be staying down there tonight. That means I probably won't see you again today."

He replies, "Okay, is it something serious? Do you need help?"

Ugh, stop being so nice.

"No, it's not a huge deal. But she needs me."

He replies, "Okay, I understand. See you tomorrow!"

After settling that, I call my mom.

She answers, "Hey sweetie, how are you?"

I reply, "I'm good. I was just thinking I might come stay down there with you tonight. Kind of stressed about tests and it would be a good way to break my cabin fever from all this studying."

This should work well. It'll probably be obvious that I'm upset, but I can explain it as test anxiety or something.

She replies, "Okay, I can come get you now. Does that work?"

"Yep! See you soon."

...

For the first couple of hours at my mom's, she doesn't really ask me anything. After dinner, we're sitting in the living room together, she asks,

"Sweetie, you seem...really down. Is something up? Is it really just tests?"

Dammit, why can she always tell? I didn't want to tell her. I kind of just wanted to say we broke up after the fact and never explain why. She's not going to like that I entered a relationship knowing when it will end. Or that we deceived her. But I can't hide it from her anymore. It's too much weight for me to bear. I normally tell her everything, and holding this back from her for the last two and a half months has been tough.

My voice starts to waver as soon as I start talking, "M-mom…in a week…Hideki and me…we're going to break up."

"You are? But I like him. And I know you do too. I know he'll be in Tokyo, but I thought you two might try to make it work."

"I do l-like him…so much. But…it was kind of something we agreed on…when we started."

My mom raises her eyebrows.

"...I guess I can see why you didn't tell me that. I'm sorry, sweetie. There's no way for you two to change your mind?"

"No. He's moving to the U.S for university. He's pursuing his dream. He's going to be one of the best pianists in the world…I'm not going to stop him."

My mom's face flickers with anger. "So, not only did you not tell me about this arrangement…you two lied to me and your sweet grandparents, when you told us he was going to Tokyo?"

"Um…sort of. He said…'I'll be taking the Tokyo entrance exam' and that's the truth. His dad is making him take it. He just…isn't going."

My mom sighs in frustration and then hugs me, "Well, we're going to talk about the fact that you lied later. But for now, let's forget about it. I think just from what I've seen of you two and how happy you've made each other during this time…it was worth it."

"I agree. I think. But…I can tell it's really going to hurt. I've…sort of put off thinking about it as much as I can. But it's only a week away now."

My mom breaks the hug, grabs her jacket, and says, "I'm going to take you back to campus right now."

"What? Why?"

"You need to spend time with him while you can. I'm sure you're both busy, but find a way. Being down here isn't going to help you. At least if you're on campus you can run up and kiss him while he's on his way somewhere or stay the night in the same bed. I don't want you coming down here again until he leaves, is that clear?"

"I was kind of…letting up a little bit. Maybe it will hurt both of us less."

My mom scoffs, "Come on, we're getting in the car."

I cross my arms and defiantly say, "So, you're not even going to consider my point of view?"

"Nope. It's silly. Get your things."

"At least explain why it's silly."

"I will in the car. We're wasting precious time here."

As we head up the hill she says, "It's silly because it's already going to hurt a lot, sweetie. Spending a few less days together isn't really going to make a difference now. So, enjoy the good while you have it. If you don't get every moment you can with him...you'll regret it later."

"Yeah…okay. You're right. Thanks for…not being mad at me for not telling you the whole story this whole time. I know I usually tell you everything, but…"

"It's okay. I don't know what I would have said at the beginning…I might have been okay with it. I certainly would have had reservations. But like I said, I think it was worth it now. So, it doesn't matter." She looks at me and smiles, "I do hope…in the future, you'll trust me with this kind of thing."

My mom pulls up to the gates to drop me off.

As she ushers me out of the car she says, "I will be here when you need me sweetie. Go get all the moments you can with him, okay?"

"Okay…thanks mom."

I go to the boy's dorm and knock on his door.

When he sees me he smiles and lets me in and then says, "Hey. I didn't think you could see me today?"

"I…made that up. I'm starting to have a really hard time with the fact that…you and I are almost…at the end. And I was pulling away because I didn't want to deal with it. But I told my mom everything and she told me I should come back and take advantage of our time, and she was right." I hug him tightly, "I know this is our last week. But I don't want to talk about that. That's what we've done so far, right? Tried our best to…pretend this is like any other relationship. I want us to just treat every night together as we have all the others. I…I don't think I can handle it right now if we dwell on this being…the end. So, I don't want to. I don't want to say goodbye either. I don't think I can take it. So, when that day comes, w-we'll just part like we would on any other morning."

He nods and runs his hands through my hair and his voice is strained, I think he's holding back tears. I know I am. "Okay. We can do that…if that's what you think is best."

I look up at him, "I think it is. So…this will have to be the last time we ever talk about this. From now on, we're just a regular couple enjoying our time together."

He nods and hugs me tightly and says, "Okay, I understand."

---

I just woke up in Hideki's arms. This is the last time that will ever happen. The last week has been wonderful, and pretending each day was just any old day worked. But today is different. Because it's the last.

He kisses my neck and says, "Hey, you're up."

"Mm...yep. Kind of wish I wasn't though. You're holding me so nicely."

He gives me a little squeeze, "I like it too. But we…have to go and have our days, you know?"

I turn around to face him and give him a long kiss and say, "Yep. We sure do."

I get up and get dressed while he does the same. His room is entirely packed away except for his bedding, but I'm pretending like I don't see that. He'll be leaving in about 20 minutes, but I'm pretending I don't know that. I'm pretending like this won't be the last time I ever see him. I can't think about that. I think I'll really break down.

I say, "Okay well, I'm going to go." He comes over to me and hugs me tightly. I think he wants to say goodbye, but I can't. I won't. I look up at him and say, "See you tonight, okay? Like usual?"

I see his lip tremble for a moment, but then he says, "Yep. Like usual." We share our usual quick morning kiss. I wave to him and leave his room. Once I'm outside my legs feel like lead. A big part of me wants to say goodbye to him. A big part of me wants to beg him to stay. A big part of me wants to run away with him. But I don't think any of those are a good idea.

I drag myself out of the boys' dorm and make it to my room. I look at the time. He's just about to be gone. Forever. Suddenly I feel very silly.

Why didn't I let him say goodbye to me? I thought it would make it harder. But now I really want that extra moment with him. That was so stupid of me. I sit down on my bed with my head in my hands. I'm never going to see him again…and we didn't say goodbye. Just as I am about to really let myself break, there is a knock on the door.

I open it to see that it's Hideki, and I feel elated. He looks downtrodden and on the verge of tears, so it probably doesn't mean he decided to throw his life away for me. I don't think he should, but I'd be lying if I didn't say there was a moment where I wished that was the case. But I don't care, I still get to see him a tiny bit more. I'll get to say goodbye. I throw my arms around him and pull him down for a kiss which he returns as he wraps his arms around me and closes the door behind him.

He pulls away and we smile at each other, both with tears in our eyes.

He says, "Hi. I just wanted to stop by to see you one last time. I…know you didn't want to say goodbye. I know we wanted to pretend when we left each other this morning it was any other morning. But…I couldn't do that. I had to say goodbye to you. You're too important to me. This…this was really special Kayoko. So much more special than I could have ever imagined. It's so hard to leave you. I….I…I… "

I know he wants to say he loves me. I've wondered whether he knew he was in love with me and just wasn't saying it because he knew it would end this way. I know that's what I'm doing. Now that I see him today…I know he feels the same. Especially because of how hard this is for both of us. We haven't had the courage to say it so far, and I don't think either of us has the courage to say it now.

Instead, he says, "I…I'm really going to miss you."

I put my hand on his cheek and stare into his eyes. "I'll miss you too. Stay in touch, okay? I know we won't be together anymore after you leave this room..." A few tears fall down my face. "But I would like to hear from you. I know you're going to do really, really great over there."

He nods, "Yeah, you keep in touch too. I'll be excited to see what you do."

He hugs me really tight, and we kiss one last time. He walks towards my door. It's like he's walking through molasses. I can tell he's really struggling to do it. But he does. He opens it and turns to me one last time and says,

"G-goodbye Kayoko." I can see that he's trying hard not to break. So am I.

"G-goodbye, Hideki. Th-thank you…f-for everything…."

He nods and smiles at me one last time and closes the door. I hold myself together until several seconds after I hear the stairwell door close. I don't want him to hear me. It might keep him from going. And he has to go. I want him to have his dream. But, as soon as enough time has passed, I lean into the door and start sobbing. I almost fall to my knees but realize that would be a really bad idea for me and keep myself upright. We're going over to my mom's soon for a day that was planned for this occasion, and I know that will help. But I just need to get in my bed right now. I need to cry. Hard. After a few minutes, I hear a distinct knock on the door.

"C-c-come in, A-akari."

She sees me laying on the bed crying like she's never seen me cry before. And like that time with Hiroshi, she gets in bed with me and puts her arms around me and hugs me. It makes me feel a little better.

"I'm s-so sorry, Kayoko. I bet this is really hard."

I start sobbing but do my best to speak through it with my lips and voice trembling, "I th-think if he hadn't l-left…I m-might have married him s-some day. H-he was so wonderful. E-everything I ever wanted in a man. E-exactly the person I a-always imagined b-being with. I kn-knew he was leaving, and t-tried not to fall so in love with him…b-but I did. This is s-so hard. I'm pr-probably never going to s-see him again…and I love him s-so much…It h-hurts s-so much…I w-want to be with him so b-bad…"

Akari knows there isn't really anything she can say, and I appreciate that she doesn't try. She knows I'm just venting and telling her my feelings, and that I don't need her to respond. So, she just keeps holding me. She's crying too. Almost as hard as I am.

...

I wake up in bed with Hideki next to me. It always feels so good to wake up with him.

Wait…this person's too small.

I roll over and see a sleeping Akari, whose face is moist. Mine is too. This is the second time she's done this for me. She's such a good friend.

Hideki left today. I might never see him again. I love him even more than I thought I did. I'm still devastated, but I guess I cried out the most intense emotions, at least for now. Now I'm mostly just thinking of how great it was that we had each other when we did. What we had was wonderful. And I'll always remember that. He'll always be my first boyfriend, and I'm happy that when I think about that, he's who I will remember. I had lots of wonderful firsts with him.

Akari starts to stir now that I've rolled over and moved her arms. I look at my phone and I have six missed calls from my mom. Woops. She was supposed to pick us up an hour ago for our girls' night.

I quickly call her back, and she picks up quickly.

"Hey sweetie. How are you feeling?"

"Crappy. But also okay, I guess? Did some serious crying and fell asleep. That's why I missed your calls. Sorry."

"That's kind of what I figured. Although I thought there was some small chance you decided to run away with him."

I laugh wryly, "The thought…did cross my mind, trust me. But nope. Still at Yamaku."

"Do you three still want to come down here?"

"Yep. Can you get us in about an hour?"

"Yes, see you then. I love you."

"Love you too, mom."

By now Akari has woken up, and she looks really concerned for me. More concerned than I think I've ever seen her. She gently puts her hand on my shoulder and asks, "A-are you doing okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay for right now. I know there will be more tears to come…but it will pass…eventually. I just gotta…mourn for a bit, you know? I know that sounds sill-"

"I-it doesn't sound silly! It is…mourning. He w-was a b-big part of your life…n-now he won't be. I'm so sorry." She hugs me tight, "I'll help you, okay? H-however I can. However you need me to. Just…just ask me and I'll d-do it, okay?"

I hug her back. "Thank you. I know you will. Shall we get ready to go to my mom's?"

...

Akari and I are in the parking lot waiting for mom, Ai, and Carsten.

This will be nice not only because I'm an emotional wreck, but also because everyone is going out of town in a couple of days for the Spring holidays. Akari is going home, and Ai and Carsten will be spending one week each with each of their families. They must be really serious, and I think that's nice.

When Ai and Carsten arrive, they both look at me with a lot of compassion. So much that it might be bordering on pity, but maybe that's what I need right now, because I appreciate it. They give me a three-person hug when they see me.

Ai asks, "How are you feeling?"

I reply, "Kind of alright, I guess. I already miss him terribly. And I may have already bawled my eyes out once today…I'm sure there are many more crying sessions to come."

She nods, "Well, we'll do our best to take your mind off of stuff today."

I smile at her, "Thanks."

Not long after my mom pulls up and she gets out of the car with a similar look of concern on her face and hugs me. Then, we get in the car and head down the hill.

...

Most of our past ladies' nights have involved at least one of us talking about our boy problems. But today is different. They all know talking about it isn't really going to help me. Instead, we were mostly silly.

My mom made my favorite meal for dinner, we ate a lot of junk food after, watched a silly movie, and talked about all kinds of nonsense. It did a good job of keeping me from dwelling entirely on what I lost today.

When we get into bed for the night, I feel very thankful for the three tiny women who are trying so hard to help me, including the two that are in bed with me right now.

I say, "Thank you both…so much. I know…I probably haven't been as good of a friend to you two as I should have been these last three months. So, it means a lot to me that you're both here to help me now."

Ai scoffs, "You haven't been bad to us. You've just been busy. You were with a guy who was going to leave so you wanted to spend as much time with him as you could. It's fine."

Akari adds, "Yeah, d-don't worry about it."

"Still. Next time I'm in a relationship…I'm going to try not to do that. I think it was just the fact he was leaving that made it like this…in the future I need to make time for you two and Carsten."

Akari says, "Okay, that's probably a good thing to do. B-but I think at some point this year each of us got swept up in a b-boy and didn't do a great job of being friends during that time…so, don't feel too bad about it."

Ai says, "What? Me? Swept up in a relationship? Surely you are mistaken." Then she groans, probably a little embarrassed about how she and Carsten were for a while there.

I laugh, "Yeah, okay, I guess that's something we all learned this year. Don't get so swept up in boys."

I stretch my arms out so that I have a hand on each of them. "I'm really glad I am sleeping with you two tonight." Ai giggles at my choice of words and it makes me giggle too. "Seriously though, I am. I…have been with Hideki so many nights. I'm not sure I can sleep alone right now without really getting upset."

Akari gets a little closer to me and wraps her arm around mine. I smile at her.

"So…thanks for sleeping with me you two." Ai giggles again. "See you both in the morning."

---

I wake up the next morning with a text from Hideki. Just seeing his name in my notifications is enough to make my heart skip a beat. A tiny part of me hopes he decided to stay.

It says, "Hey. I just got to New York and wanted to let you know. I hope you're having a nice day."

This instantly causes me to start bawling loudly enough to wake up my two bed mates. My mom, who must have been in the living room, also hears me and comes into the room.

Akari is the first to put her arms around me, which she does on my left side. Ai does her best to hug me on my right, and my mom gets into the bed and hugs me from the front. It's nice that they are all here trying to comfort me. But it only has a small effect, and I keep crying. Akari starts crying too.

My mom strokes my hair and says, "You love him, don't you?"

I nod.

She and Ai both hug me tighter. Neither of them knew for sure that I love him, I guess.

My mom strokes my hair and says, "I'm so sorry, sweetie. That's really hard."

I calm down a little after telling them this. I guess it is nice for more people to know about that.

My mom lets go of me and sits down on the end of the bed, "What were you thinking about this morning that got you this upset?"

I hand her my phone. She reads the text and shows it to Ai and Akari.

My mom frowns, "I think you'll have to stop texting him for a little while at least, sweetie. Otherwise, you're just going to keep longing for him. I mean, you probably will anyway…but it's really going to be worse if you have him texting you about his life over there."

I start crying again, "B-but I want to talk to him. I want to know about his life. I have to know. I d-don't want him to be gone entirely. At least this way I have him in my life s-somehow."

Ai says, "I know you want that, and I understand why. But if that text upset you this much…I think your mom's probably right."

Akari nods, "It d-doesn't have to be forever. But what you're feeling right now is s-still raw. Maybe just try for a week at first and see how it goes?"

They're probably right. This is probably what's best in the long run. But it's so hard to say that I won't talk to him anymore. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

I stop crying and crumple back into the bed, defeated and emotionally exhausted.

"Yeah, okay. You're right. All of you. I just don't want to admit it. Um…I'm probably going to need someone to keep me accountable here. Check my phone every day, or something…I don't think I'll be able to do it on my own. I want to talk to him too badly."

Akari sits up and wipes her tears and says, "I'll do it."

"Aren't you going home for the Spring holidays? Like…the day after tomorrow?"

"Um…N-no. I decided not to."

I look at her for a moment and then say, "It's because I'm a complete wreck right now, isn't it?"

She laughs softly and says, "I w-want to help you."

My mom says, "That's nice of you Akari, but I'll be here. You don't have to give up your time at home."

"I know I don't have to. But I w-want to."

I hug Akari, "Well..thank you. I'd do the same for you, so I guess it's okay."

Ai says, "Damn, way to make me look bad."

We all laugh, "I'll have my mom and Akari. I'll be okay. Besides, your trip is an important one. It isn't like you're just going home. You and Carsten are taking a big step."

Ai sighs and says, "Yeah, okay…But if you need me Kayoko, you can call."

"I will." I hand my phone to Akari. "Can you two…text him and tell him I don't w-want to talk to him for a while? I…know I can't do it."

They both nod and seem to take their job seriously as they discuss the best way to word it. I largely tune them out because even the discussion about the text is upsetting me. Eventually they send the text and they give me back my phone.

"Thanks…all of you." I sigh. "This is hard. And I think it will continue to be…but knowing you all are here to help…it makes it a little easier."

[guthrum06]

Graduation is tomorrow. We are having a little party for Kaito and Daisuke in their dorm room. It is a pretty busy place. They both have a lot of friends, including my little friend group. Kaito of course made the food for his own party. Lots of little pastries that are sort of like a cross between a chocolate croissant and a cinnamon bun. Apparently they are another Israeli thing. Whatever they are, every time I eat one I feel just slightly better about my recent break up, so I've eaten several.

When I return from my most recent trip to the table with all the pastries, I see that my first-year friends have arrived at the party too, and are talking to the soon-to-graduate couple.

Carsten says, "Congratulations you guys. You're both going to Tokyo, right?"

Kaito says, "That's right. We have an apartment we'll be living in together. I'll be going to culinary school."

Daisuke says, "And I'll be going to the University of Tokyo for science."

I hug Daisuke sort of suddenly, startling him a bit, but then he hugs me back.

I says, "I'm glad you're doing what my dad did."

He replies, "Yeah, I am too. He's kind of my role model, you know."

"Yep, I sniffle know."

He hugs me a little tighter and quietly says, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. I miss Hideki. And I'm gonna miss you two a lot. But my mom and Akari are taking care of me. Embarrassed to say…I kind of need it right now."

"I'm glad you have them. We'll miss you too."

I finally let him go.

Akari says, "My f-family is in T-tokyo. They even t-teach at your university. So I hope I can s-see you t-two sometimes."

She is doing really well given the number of people in here. It improves my mood slightly. About the same as eating a pastry.

Carsten says, "Yeah, mine live there too."

Daisuke says, "Let us know when you're in the city and hopefully we'll be able to hang out."

As I'm returning to the table to drown my sorrows in more pastries, I see a familiar face. One that makes me think of my ex-boyfriend.

"Hey, Kayoko, how are you?"

"Um…hey, Masa. I'm…surviving. You?"

He grimaces a little, "Yeah, I'm sorry about you and Hideki."

I desperately want to ask him if Hideki is having a hard time being away from me. But I won't. I need to avoid that topic.

"It's okay. How's your um…romance situation?"

There are lots of science club people here so I can't really mention the teacher by name without attracting some attention.

"It's tough. I'm trying to decide how and when to confess."

"Maybe you could write her a letter?"

"Yeah, I was thinking about that. The only thing I don't like about it is she could just ignore it, and I would be agonizing over it while I waited."

"Yeah, I guess that's not ideal. Could you maybe set up a meeting? Tell her you want to thank her or something. I mean, I bet you do want to thank her, right?"

This is providing a surprisingly effective distraction. Another pastry-level mood improvement.

He thinks for a moment with his hand on his chin, "That's actually a really good idea. How do you think I should do the actual confession?"

"Hmm…I have some ideas, but you know what, my two friends over there…" I point towards Ai and Akari, "...probably have some too. If you want to pop by my room after this, we can try and help you."

To my surprise, Masa hugs me. "Thank you, Kayoko. I know it's weird…I like who I like. And I know this probably isn't going to go my way. And I know you're probably struggling right now. So…I appreciate you trying to help."

I say, "Hey, no problem. I want to help, but to be honest you're helping me too. I could really use the distraction."

He releases me from the hug and nods. "Okay, I'll see you in a little while then."

…

I'm in my room now, explaining the situation ahead of Masa's arrival.

Ai says, "So he's like…really in love with her? He isn't just trying to sleep with her because she's hot?"

I nod. "I really think he is, yeah. Um…Hideki knew him better...And really thought he was too."

Hey, I managed to say 'Hideki' without tearing up. It's a small victory, but I'll take it.

Akari says, "This will be interesting. We have d-done these m-meetings for each other but not a b-boy."

There's a knock on the door. I open the door and let our guest in and then I sit down on the bed with Akari, while Ai positions herself next to us.

Masa is nervous, "How does this work exactly?"

"Well, when it's one of us we explain the romance situation and get advice. I guess we've been fairly successful now that I think about it."

Ai nods, "Yeah two relationships have resulted from these meetings so far. Not too bad."

Masa laughs wryly, "Well, hopefully I don't bring down your success rate too much."

He takes a deep breath, "Okay well, I've really liked her for a while. I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world but also really smart and considerate, and witty…and lots of other things."

This draws a "D'awwww" out of Ai. She must be convinced he's really in love with her now.

He smiles at Ai and continues. "I've tried my best getting to know her, given the…special circumstances. I try to talk to her after class and our clubs and stuff. But obviously it always has to be about science. I try to compliment her and stuff, but never about anything…other than classroom stuff. Basically…I've done everything I can to tell her I'm interested in her without crossing a line."

Akarii asks, "Has she ever d-done anything to m-make you think she likes you."

"I don't think so. I mean, sometimes she smiles at me or something and it makes me melt a little, but I don't think it really means anything."

"Yeah, probably not. But she also hasn't been able to cross any lines. So even if she was, I don't think you'd know."

He nods, "Yeah, I guess that's true. Honestly at this point I am all but certain she will reject me. But…I think I still want to tell her how I feel, and how amazing she is. Kayoko told me I would regret it if I don't, and I think she's right."

Ai says, "My God you're adorable."

He laughs, "Thanks. What do you three think is the best way for me to tell her?"

"Well, I think in person is probably best, like you said at the party. That way you don't have the agonizing wait you would have with a letter."

Akari says, "She'll be at g-graduation tomorrow, right?"

Masa nods.

I add, "At the party I suggested he try to get her alone after graduation."

Akari says, "You can s-say you really want to thank her and you have a gift for her, or something like that."

He says, "Yeah…I could see that. I guess I could get her some little gift. Are flowers too cliched?"

Ai says, "Nope! She'll like them, trust me. Doesn't mean she will say she loves you, but she'll enjoy getting them either way. She'll also like being told she's beautiful and all that stuff you said here. I would say all of that again."

I say, "Yeah, that was really good. Compliment her without saying anything creepy, give her flowers, I'd say that will give you the best chance. And like Ai said, she'll like hearing it all no matter what."

He exhales, "Okay. I think that's what I'll do then. Thanks for helping me."

I reply, "Yep. You'll have to let us know how it goes. We're pretty invested now."

He laughs and says, "Okay, I will."

---

I'm at graduation with my mom, Akari, and my aunt and uncle. Ai and Carsten left earlier this morning.

Graduation is in the indoor athletic center, because it's pouring rain outside. The dark and gloomy weather feels like a reflection of my mood.

I am excited to see my third-year friends graduate, especially Daisuke and Kaito. It will be nice seeing them cross the stage and taking their diploma. But my excitement is definitely dampened by my mental state.

The third name called is "Agata Hideki." Hearing his name hurts a little, but then I start to get excited.

Wait…is he here!? Did he change his mind!? And he's going to surprise me!?

No one comes to claim his diploma. He just must have forgotten to let them know he wouldn't be at graduation.

Tears start silently streaming down my face. Akari has been watching me and has noticed the tears. She puts a hand on my shoulder to comfort me and whispers,, "W-we can go, if we need. to"

I shake my head and quietly say. "N-no…I have to stay for Daisuke and Kaito. I-I'll…be okay."

She nods, "J-just…let me know if I can help…any way at all."

I give her a thankful smile and pull myself together and manage to make it through the rest of the ceremony and cheer for my friends when their names are called. The excitement of seeing them cross the stage distracts me for a moment, but the feeling of loss comes back when the moment is over.

I can't believe for a moment I thought he was still here. Talk about denial. I'm really pathetic.

After the ceremony, Akari and I go back to the dorm and she does her best to soothe me during another crying fit, until I fall asleep.

…

When I wake up from the nap later, I feel much better. I get up and go across the hall and knock on Akari's door. She tells me I can come in, and I find her reading manga in bed. I sit down at her desk and say, "Thanks…again, Akari. It is really embarrassing that I'm falling to pieces like this."

"Shut up."

I am a little taken aback by her response, and she notices.

"I just mean…y-you shouldn't be embarrassed. What you are dealing with is really hard."

I nod, and feel my phone vibrate in my pocket.

"It's Masa."

Akari sits up with a smile and pats on the bed next to her, inviting me to sit there. I do, and answer the call.

"Hey Masa, how did it go? I'm with Akari and you're on speakerphone. We will relay the message to Ai."

"Well, it went pretty well. She's not my girlfriend or anything. But she did really appreciate it, loved the flowers, loved what I told her. She told me it wouldn't work because of age and stuff. But, she said I was really sweet and she gave me a nice hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. I haven't stopped smiling."

"Ai isn't here, but if she was, she would say 'D'awwww' because that's pretty adorable."

Akari giggles, "It r-really is."

"Yeah thanks for convincing me to do it, Kayoko. I really would have regretted it if I didn't. And thanks to all of you for your advice."

"Hey no problem. Glad it kinda worked out."

I get off the bed and walk to the other side of the room. Akari looks at me with confusion.

Once I feel I have as much distance as possible, I say, "How's Hideki doing?"

"He's doing-," Before he can answer the question Akari gets up off the bed, snatches the phone out of my hand and hangs up. Then she glares at me. I didn't know she could move so fast.

I sigh, "I'm sorry. I just…it's hard not knowing. I could have gone and locked myself in my room, you know…"

Damn, why am I only thinking of that now?

Akari sighs, "It's okay. I know it's hard. I'm glad I was here though. There's j-just no answer to that question that won't hurt you…and I don't want you to hurt m-more than you have to. I think you have to wait until you g-get to a point where you d-don't feel like you need to know how he is d-doing…before you can start asking."

I sit back down on the bed and pinch the bridge of my nose.

"You're right. I just…I wish it didn't hurt."

Akari sits down next to me, "Me too. D-do you think it was worth it?"

I sigh, "I think it was, yeah. He was wonderful. I'm happy I had lots of firsts with him. I'll have all those memories forever. But…it is harder to say it was worth it than I expected. At least right now."

Akari sits down and hugs me and says, "As you hurt l-less over time, it will feel more worth it. So, I'm glad he made you so happy when he could."

"Me too." I sigh. "Thank you for taking care of me."

Spring Vacation has been great. There are still three days left. Akari and I spent a ton of time together. We used that time to get in some music practice. We have had fun with just the two of us playing together, something we had never done before.

---

Spring Vacation has been great. There are still three days left. Akari and I spent a ton of time together. We used that time to get in some music practice. We have had fun with just the two of us playing together, something we had never done before.

We alternated between campus and my mom's. In both places, Akari was nice enough to sleep with me until I finally felt I could sleep alone again the last few days.

I still miss Hideki terribly, but it's no longer an unshakeable pain that sticks with me all day. I'm overcome with sadness about it from time to time, but that's much more manageable. Akari and my mom have both been important in helping me get here. I'm not sure where I would be without them.

Carsten and Ai are still out of town, and apparently their trip has gone quite well. Both families seem to approve of their child's significant other.

Today happens to be my 17th birthday. Akari and I are down at my mom's, along with my dad's parents, my grandma and Sho and my aunt and uncle. It's nice having everyone here. After these last two weeks Akari and I have gotten even closer, and it really feels like she belongs here with me and my family.

I feel like everyone is being extra nice to me this year, probably a result of the Hideki thing, but I'm enjoying it. I'm about to open my presents, and I'm very excited. We're all gathered in the dining room and I'm sitting down. Akari is next to me on one side and my mom on the other.

My grandpa wants me to open their gift first. He says, "Here's our gift, my dear. I hope you'll like it."

I smile at him, "I'm sure I will."

He pushes over a wrapped gift that is very square. I think I know what this is because I told him I would like one.

When I take off the wrapping paper it's what I expected: a chess set. It's a light wooden one too. As much as I like my dad's heavy marble one, it is just heavy enough to be kind of a problem for me to move. Plus, my mom and grandpa play on it often and I wouldn't want to take it away from them.

I hold up the box for the gathered people to see, "Grandma and grandpa got me a chess set, which will really be nice to have in my room. Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa."

My mom says, "Here, sweetie. Open mine next."

She hands me a medium-sized rectangular box in pink wrapping paper. I can immediately tell it is clothing. I take off the wrapping paper and open the top of the box. When I see what's inside, I immediately close the top of the box and then gesture for my mom to come closer. I whisper, "Did you mean to give this to me now?"

She looks confused and says, "Yes, sweetie. What's the big deal?"

I think about who's here for a moment, and I guess she's right. The only people who might bat an eye at this are my dad's parents, and they aren't even going to be wildly offended. Just mildly surprised. Still, I probably don't need to show everyone these. I can just tell them.

"My mom got me some cute bras which I will leave concealed so as not to offend anyone's sensibilities. Thank you, mom." Everyone laughs. No one is surprised that my mom would get me such a thing and have me open it publicly either. I did mention to her that I wish it were easier to find cute front clasping bras, and she found me some so it's a great gift. I slide the box over to Akari who peeks at them and nods approvingly.

My mom smiles and says, "You're welcome, dear."

My Aunt wants me to open their gift next and hands me what feels like a sheet music book. She says, "It's from Daisuke too. He was sad he couldn't be here this year."

I remove the wrapping paper and find a newly published version of Saki's songs, featuring a forward and commentary from my aunt. I get a little choked up for a second and hold the book to my chest. Then I look at her and say, "This is amazing! I didn't even know this was a thing!"

She laughs, "I'm glad you like it. I thought you could use your own book of her music to have up at the school."

I smile at her, "You're right. Thank you. Oh, for everyone else - my aunt and uncle and Daisuke got me a sheet music book by my favorite composer – which is Saki of course. Thanks, you two."

Next, Sho hands me a card. When I open the envelope, I see a black and white card with music notes on it. When I open it, I am surprised to see that is a pop card that has a paper piano inside. Everyone is as surprised as me when it starts playing classical music. I say, "This is the coolest card ever!" and Sho laughs. "I'm glad you like it, but there's something else in there."

I notice a folded piece of paper that is under the piano, I take it out and see it is a gift certificate to my favorite store in Sendai. My grandma used to take me there for my birthday and buy me something. I think they went with this because she probably can't do that anymore. So, the gift is a little bittersweet.

I announce, "My grandma and Sho got me this amazing, card, as well as a gift certificate to buy some clothes in the city. Thank you, Grandma, and Sho."

My grandma says, "Yes of course, happy birthday dear."

I smile at Akari and I say, "Okay Akari, it looks like your gift is last."

She smiles back and hands me a small rectangular box in pink wrapping paper. I open and see a beautiful hair clip that looks like piano keys. It makes me smile immediately. I've seen some like this before, but they usually look cheap and plastic. This one doesn't. Both the white and black keys are made of some sort of iridescent material, so it has a neat shine to it.

I take it out of the box and show everyone, "Akari got me this really beautiful piano hair clip." I smile at her and put a hand on her shoulder, "Thank you, Akari. And thank you everyone for all my gifts. I know it's getting late, but I really appreciate you all coming today. It has been really nice, and I love you all."

With this, the party is pretty much over, and before long it is just me, my mom, and Akari. My mom is cleaning up and as usual she won't let us help, so me and Akari are alone at the dining table.

I'm admiring my hair clip in the box, when Akari asks, "You really like it?"

"Of course, it's beautiful."

"You m-mentioned wanting to try different stuff with your hair this year. And I thought it might b-be worth trying. You can do all kinds of stuff with it."

"I think you're right. What is it made of, by the way?"

"M-mother of pearl."

"Wow, fancy. It does look amazing. I think it will look nice against my dark hair."

I gather the top half of my hair behind my head and use the hair clip to keep it in place, giving me what I think is called a 'half up' style. This gets all my hair out of my face while making my hair look much different from behind too.

"How does that look?"

She looks for a moment and says, "Really good."

I laugh, "Now we can both have hair accessories."

She giggles, "Are you glad I didn't get you a p-pink headband?"

I laugh, "Yes. They look really cute on you, but they don't seem like they would work on me."

My mom comes back to sit with us in the dining room examines my hair and says, "Wow, that does look really nice."

"Thanks. I like it. I'm going to try some different stuff with my hair this year."

My mom nods, "That's always fun. You could always try twin tails. Drove the boys crazy when I was in school."

I laugh, "I don't think I could pull that look off. Plus, I can't do that with my hair clip. I guess I can do all kinds of different ponytails though. I'm going to need to do some research."

Akari says, "Emi…did you r-really drive the boys crazy when you were in school?"

She laughs, "Honestly? A little bit, yeah."

Akari giggles.

I scoff, "Nice modesty, mom. Oh, thanks a lot for those bras, by the way."

She smiles, "I'm glad you like them, even if you were kind of a prude about them."

I scoff, "What did you want me to do, try them on for everyone?"

Akari giggles and says, "That w-would have really made this a different kind of party."

We all laugh.

My mom gets serious for a moment and puts a hand on my shoulder, and asks, "How are you holding up, sweetie?"

Well, I was doing better before you asked that and brought me back down to earth following my nice birthday party.

"I'm okay. It's getting a little easier overall. I've been able to sleep on my own, for one thing. But…I still really miss him. And I have moments where I break down and just want to call him or text him. But I guess there are less of them."

Akari nods in agreement.

My mom says, "That's good. I thought you seemed to be doing better. Soon you'll have a new school year, and there will be new boys around too. That will help."

I frown, "Maybe. I…can't really imagine dating again any time soon."

"I know, sweetie. I was mostly teasing. But just looking at some boys can help." She pauses for a moment and says, "Oh, I do have some news I think you'll both like, about the school year."

Akari and I look at each other, and Akari says "Wh-what is it?"

My mom leans back in her chair confidently and says, "Well, Akari will be in your class now. And Hiroshi won't be."

I'm happy, but Akari looks overjoyed and asks, "How did you do that?!"

My mom says, "Well, I didn't have anything to do with the Hiroshi thing. Apparently, he didn't pass his exams and has to repeat the first year."

Karma is a bitch.

Akari says, "B-but you had something to do with me?"

"Yep. I talked to your parents about how your anxiety is affecting your education. I suggested that switching to a class with your friends in it would help you."

Akari says, "Y-you…talk to my parents?"

My mom smirks, "Sometimes. Your mom got my number when she was here. We've talked two or three times." She frowns a little, "I guess I should have told you instead of it looking like we were talking about you behind your back, huh?"

Akari says, "N-no…it's fine." She gets up and hugs my mom and says, "How are y-you this amazing?"

She hugs her back and says, "Genetics, I guess." Then she smirks at me and says, "Sorry, Kayoko."

"Did you just make a joke about me being adopted? I feel like that must be forbidden in the adoptive parents' handbook. I'm going to call the orphanage and report you."

She sticks her tongue out at me before standing up and yawning.

"Well, girls. I'm all partied out, so I think I will head to bed."

I yawn, "Honestly, I am surprisingly tired myself. What about you Akari?"

She nods and we get ready for bed.

...

I'm now in bed with Akari next to me. Something that has been quite commonplace these last two and a half weeks.

"Th-that was a really nice party."

I smile, "It was, wasn't it? I liked all my gifts, and it was nice seeing everyone at once."

She nods, "It m-made me feel even more like I'm part of the family too, which was nice."

I put my hand on her shoulder, "I think everyone who was here pretty much considers you part of the family."

"R-really?"

"Yeah. They see you a lot, they know you're close to me and my mom, they know you've helped with lots of things. If that's not family, I don't know what is. Maybe I'm just saying that because I know I'm adopted, but I certainly think of you as family at this point."

Akari gets a little closer and snuggles into me a little. I put my arm around her.

Then she says, "I really like that we're so close. You're r-really important to me."

I smile and say, "You're really important to me too. Goodnight, Akari."

---

It's the day before classes start.

I have my first therapy session today. Mental therapy, that is. Apparently physical therapy alone isn't enough for me. I'll be spending even more time in the medical building from now on.

I took Hideki's suggestion to try therapy to heart. There are a lot of things I need help coping with. It makes me a little sad to know that I'm here because he cares about me so much, but he isn't even a tiny part of my life right now. But I guess, in a way, the fact I'm doing this because of him does keep him in my life in an indirect way.

When I told Akari I would be doing therapy she was happy too. It turns out she's been going to therapy regularly since coming to Yamaku. It makes sense, but she never talked about it, so I had no idea. She also thinks it will help. I have a feeling that she has wanted to tell me to try it for a while but couldn't quite do it.

The receptionist says, "Nakai," so I get up and walk to the desk. There's a smiling man waiting for me next to the desk. He's a little taller than me and in his 60s. His hair is entirely gray, but surprisingly thick and surprisingly long for a man his age. He has it pulled back into a ponytail. He's also wearing sandals. He's wearing an Argyle sweater vest too, which reminds me of dad, and I can't help but smile when I see it. My first impression of the man is that he seems a little offbeat, but very welcoming.

When I reach him, he says "Hello Ms. Nakai. I'm Mr. Tatsuzawa, it's nice to meet you. Follow me and we'll head to my office."

I nod and give him a standard greeting before following him.

When we reach his office, I find a room that almost immediately makes me relax. The lighting is dim, it smells nice, and he has a small fountain that makes a pleasant sound. Lots of nice indoor plants too. I guess you'd want a relaxing environment for this.

He invites me to sit wherever I want in the room. I choose a comfy looking chair with big arms. He sits across from me in another chair.

Once we're settled, he smiles and asks, "So, what are you hoping to get out of therapy?"

"Um…well, I'm struggling with some things…emotionally I guess."

"Like what?"

I don't know why, but this man has me oddly at ease. Maybe it's just the sweater vest. Maybe it's that I know he's going to try to help me. But I don't feel strange about telling him everything. I guess that's probably a characteristic you need to have as a therapist.

"Well…I guess the biggest things is that I sometimes feel like the world is unfair, and sometimes I just want to give up. I don't mean…kill myself, I want to make that clear. But I do mean that I just want to stop trying so hard in life, because sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter what I do."

He says, "I see. What makes you feel that way?"

"Well, my dad died about a year and a half ago. He was only 57. That sort of…set this off, I guess. I never thought like this before I lost him. He had a heart condition, and he did absolutely everything he was supposed to do to keep his heart healthy. Exercised a lot, ate well, he had a pacemaker…and then he still died early from a heart attack. That's the first time I remember thinking the universe is unfair."

He nods, "I'm sorry for your loss. That does sound like something we should talk about more. But it sounds like there are some other things that have made you feel this way. Tell me about those."

I should tell him about the incident that made Hideki think I needed therapy.

"Well, a few months ago I had a moment where I felt lower than I ever have. I have a condition where I can easily get hurt. Just by bumping into something wrong or tripping and falling. Normally, I handle this well. But I haven't been doing a very good job of it lately, especially when I hurt my arms. I'm in band and I play piano, and I had already missed a lot of time with another injury, so I was working hard to catch up. Then, I ended up hurting my elbow about a week before the concert I was preparing for. When that happened…I really made the decision to give up because I thought it was unfair that it happened to me."

"Can you explain a little more to me about what you mean when you say 'give up'?"

"Well, I fell when I got hurt. And normally I would try to get help and go to the nurse. Maybe call someone on my phone using my good arm or at least cry for help. But instead, I just laid there. I don't even know how long it was. Probably at least 30 minutes. The only reason I came out of it is because a…friend showed up and managed to pull me out of it."

"Your voice broke a little bit when you mentioned your friend. Is that because of the incident, or is there something else?"

Damn therapists. I was kind of hoping to avoid talking about this.

"Um…there's something else, I guess. That friend became my first boyfriend. But…he was two years older. He graduated and moved to the U.S., so we broke up. I'm still struggling with that, but I think it's more of a temporary thing."

Mr. Tatsuzawa hands me a tissue box. I didn't even realize I was crying. I thank him and wipe my tears.

He leans back and thinks for a moment, "So, it sounds like you're struggling with the loss of your father and the limitations brought on by your condition, and those have been long term. While your breakup is something very fresh and recent. Do you think that's an accurate assessment?"

I nod, "Yeah. I hadn't really thought about it in those terms, but that sounds about right."

"I think I can help you with all those things. But I think perhaps right now it might be best to talk about your breakup. You're right that it is probably temporary, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, of course."

I sigh, "I guess we can talk about it. I was sort of hoping I wouldn't have to. But I suppose you're the expert here."

He laughs softly and says, "Thank you for your vote of confidence. How do you feel about the break up today?"

I frown. "Sad, I guess, is the best way to put it. It was…a strange relationship. We only got together a few months before he had to leave, so we always knew it had an endpoint. Despite that…I fell in love with him. So, it has been quite hard to go from seeing him every day to not even talking to him."

"What is your support like?"

"Support?"

"Are there people helping you cope?"

"Oh, yeah. My mom and my best friend are a big part of why I'm even doing this well."

"Good. It's important to have some support with these things. Are you still in contact with him?"

I sigh, "No. My friends and my mom convinced me to not talk to him until I'm feeling better. I think they're right, but I desperately want to talk to him sometimes. Do you think that's the right thing to do?"

He replies, "I think your family and friends are right. The process will be much slower if you're still in contact with him. Hearing how he is doing will hurt you no matter what. If he's doing just fine, you'll be hurt that he isn't having as hard of a time as you are. If he's really hurting, you'll hurt for him and long to help him when you can't. So, it's probably best for both of you to get past that point before you become friends."

Damn. He pretty much said the same thing Akari did.

I frown, "I was kind of hoping you'd overrule them."

He laughs softly, "Sorry. Are you familiar with the five stages of grief?"

I nod, "A little. I talked about them with my mom when we lost my dad. Is a breakup really the same?"

"Well, it's not the same, exactly. But one does tend to go through similar phases. Right now, I think you're probably in the depression phase."

"What does that mean?"

"In this case, you're really feeling the loss of the person, and it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel."

I sigh, "Yeah…that does sound right. What phases are left?"

"Well, classically, your next phase would be acceptance. I will say that not everyone goes through all of the phases, and not in the same order, either. Some people even go through them all at the same time. I think it's a good idea for us to think about these stages today, so that you're prepared for the different things you might end up feeling. It may also help us unpack things you're feeling now."

I nod, "Okay. That makes sense."

"So, the first phase is denial. This means that you haven't really accepted the relationship is over. Does any part of you feel that way?"

I fidget in my seat, "I mean…I know it's over…but sometimes I think…maybe in two years I'll go to school where he is, and we can be together again. I haven't let go of that hope. Is that denial?"

He strokes his beard for a moment, "Denial is probably part of that, yes. For you to feel better about this, you will eventually need to accept that the chances of that happening are quite low."

I sigh and quietly say, "Are they, though?"

"Unfortunately, I think they are. Two years is a very long time. Especially for young people. Even if you two still do want to be together by then, you'd then have to get into the same school, be able to move to the U.S., and so forth."

"Okay, when you put it like that… I'll try to accept that it almost definitely won't happen. Thank you for laying things out logically. That seems to be helping my currently illogical brain."

He smiles and says, "That's the plan."

"The next phase is anger. Have you felt any anger about the situation?"

"No, not really. I can't imagine being angry at him about this, either."

"Well, it is possible at some point you will find yourself angry either at him or yourself. Given what you told me about your feeling of the universe being unfair, you may even find yourself angry at the universe."

"Okay, what should I do if that happens?"

"While staying angry for too long isn't a good thing, experiencing that anger can help you process everything. So, unless it really gets out of hand, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to just sort of go with it. We'll check back to see how you're doing with it every time you come in."

"Okay. What comes next?"

"Bargaining. It generally means you spend too much time thinking about ways you could have kept your breakup from happening. Does that sound like anything you're thinking?"

I sigh, "I guess so. Sometimes…I wish I ran away with him or begged him to stay. I…never told him I loved him because I knew he was leaving. Sometimes I wonder if I had told him if things would be different. If we might have tried to make long distance work or something. And, in moments when I'm really hurting…I wish I hadn't entered the relationship at all."

He nods, "That does sound like bargaining. It can be helpful to look back on where we might have gone wrong, as it can help us make better decisions in the future. However, a problem can arise where we dwell on these thoughts for too long. Doing so doesn't help us too much, especially because we can't do anything to change the past. So, be careful of that."

I nod, "Okay. I'll try to limit those thoughts. That means the next one is depression?"

"That's right, and we've already discussed that one. Talking through this, it sounds like the only one you haven't experienced at all is anger. So, you may be closer to acceptance than you think."

"That would be nice. This has been…helpful, thank you. Just talking it through has been good. I really like science, so sort of laying this out in empirical terms makes it easier for me to process."

He smiles, "Yes, I thought I picked that up from you. That's why I went with this route."

I laugh, "Well, you're really good, then."

He smiles warmly at me. "Thank you, Ms. Nakai. It looks like our time is up for the day. If you found this helpful, we can meet once a week to work through the things you shared with me today."

I stand up to get ready to go and say, "I'd like that. I'll make an appointment for next week out front. Thanks again."

He smiles, "See you soon, then. Have a lovely day, Ms. Nakai."

As I walk back out to the waiting area to make my next appointment, I can't help but silently thank Hideki for getting me to come here. Kind of funny that the first thing I received help with was losing him.

[guthrum06]

I just finished getting ready for the first day of my second year at Yamaku. I'm in front of the mirror doing my hair. I am using the hair clip Akari got me to put it into a low ponytail. My hair is long and wavy, and it does this pretty cascading thing when I put it like this. I think I'm going to enjoy all the different things I can do with it. They say people change their hair after a breakup, and that's what I'll be doing. I might even try something different every day for a while.

Before heading to the school building, I stop and knock on Akari's door so we can walk together. But there's no answer.

I say, "Akari, if you're asleep in there it's time to get up." I don't hear anything. She's not really someone who sleeps in either. Her anxiety often makes her get up in the morning. Since she's in a new classroom, maybe she was anxious and wanted to get there early. I'll probably see her there.
When I get to class, I see Ai and Carsten, but no Akari.

It's the first time I've seen these two since they left for the break, and I am curious how things are going for them.

"So, I hear your trip went pretty well, huh?"

Ai smiles, "Really well. It was nice to get to know one another's family."

Carsten nods, "Yeah, it went way better than we could have imagined, I think. Our families are happy we're together. It's really nice."

"Aw, that's great!"

Ai looks at me with some concern. "How are you doing with things?"

I reply, "I'm alright. Still sad about stuff, but I'm not consumed by it anymore like you had to see that morning before the break. My mom and Akari really helped. That's progress, I guess. Speaking of which, did you guys see Akari this morning?"

Ai says, "No. She's going to be in this class now, right?"

I nod, "Yeah, she should be here. She didn't answer her door earlier. I guess I'll text her."

I sit down in my seat and text her, "Hey, where are you? Are you okay?"

...

By lunch, she hasn't responded. I leave Ai and Carsten to check her dorm again but there's still no response. I'm starting to get worried, but I have to get back to class. The first band meeting isn't until tomorrow, so once classes are over for the day, I'll have time to find out what's going on.

...

By the end of classes for the day, I still haven't heard anything from Akari. I'm really at a loss of what I can do here. I've texted her and I've checked her room. What else is there? And why wouldn't she say anything to me? I try to call my mom for advice, but as I expected, she doesn't pick up. She's probably with a patient.

I guess I'll go check her room one more time. Then maybe convince the dorm keeper to open the door for me. I don't know what else to do. I'm sure my mom will have some ideas when she's available, but I'm already freaking out and don't want to wait until then.

I go back up to Akari's room and knock on the door. I say, "Akari…if you're in there, I'm really worried...if there's something going on, will you please let me help?"

There's no answer, so I lean against my own door, and I start to tear up. I have no idea where my best friend is, and I don't know what to do. My heart is starting to beat fast.

Then I hear movement in Akari's room, and the door makes a noise that I know means it is unlocked. But it isn't open. I guess that's as close of an invitation as I'm going to get.

I slowly open her door and once my eyes adjust to the darkness, I see she's here, lying in the bed with her back facing me.

I pull her desk chair close to the bed and sit down.

"What's going on, Akari?"

She rolls over and I see that there's a painful looking butterfly-shaped red rash covering her cheeks and nose. She's told me about this before, but I haven't seen it in the whole time I've known her.

"It's your lupus?"

She nods.

"Can I do anything to help?"

"N-no.…j-j-just go…"

"What? Why are you saying that? Why would I leave you when you're hurting? You've been taking care of me for weeks and you want me to leave you because of this?"

She rolls back over, and I can hear from her voice that she's crying, "This is d-different. I'm g-going to go back to being how I w-was before you met me. B-back to who I was with no f-friends. B-back to s-someone who c-can't even t-talk to anyone. You d-don't want to be friends with me when I'm sick all the t-time." She rolls back over and looks up at me, "My s-symptoms are all back. My hips hurt like they used to. I have m-my rash. I'm completely exhausted. I had to sleep most of the day. I can't do normal s-school anymore… I'm g-gonna have to go home. G-go back to being the old sick Akari. I...d-don't want you to seem like this."

"Akari, can I get in the bed with you right now without hurting you?"

She hesitates for a moment and then says, "Yeah. Just don't t-touch my face or my hips."

I do as she says and give her a little snuggle hug.

"Akari…I'm not going to leave just because your lupus is back. You're my best friend, I want to help you."

"E-even if...I'm always l-like this now?"

"Of course. Wouldn't you still be my best friend if I always had one of my dislocations?"

She rolls over and puts her arms around me.

"Thank you, Kayoko…I d-don't really want you to leave. I am just … really scared. I woke up this morning and it felt almost n-natural to feel this way. Like the last year and a half w-w-as a dream."

"That must be really scary. I'm so sorry, Akari."

"I j-just thought I was done with this. B-but I guess the medication only worked a little while. I d-don't want to have to go home." She starts crying harder. "I d-d-don't want to leave you…"

"I don't want you to go either. Have you seen the nurse?"

"N-no. What's the point? I know what's going on. I've lived with it my whole l-life. If I g-go…she's just going to send me home…"

"She might be able to help with medications that will make your symptoms better…and she won't send you home if you don't want to go."

She sighs, "I guess you're r-right."

"Do you want me to get you a wheelchair? I can probably call Carsten to help."

"N-no. I can walk. Just…n-not very fast."

She gets up and we walk to the nurse together. It really pains me to see her like this. Like she said, she has to walk slowly. Even slower than my usual plodding pace. Her movements are stiff, and she's grimacing in pain constantly. It's how someone in their 90s should move, not a girl who isn't even 17. I can't believe she put up with this for 15 years. And I can't believe the universe is doing this to her after she thought she finally found an answer to her years of pain and fatigue.

When we get to the nurse's office, we sit down on two chairs in one of the examination rooms and wait. Akari is still very upset, and I do my best to comfort her by holding her. Once the nurse comes and sees Akari, she knows what's happening right away from the rash on her face. The nurse looks about as happy about it as we are. She kneels to get a good look at her.

She asks, "When did this start?"

Akari frowns and looks down as tears start to make their way down her face, "W-when I woke up this morning."

The nurse frowns, "Is it all the symptoms you used to have? Swollen joints, rash, fatigue?"

Akari nods.

"I can get you some anti-inflammatories. That will help a little. But you probably just need to rest." She puts her hand on Akari's shoulder to get her to look up and then smiles at her, "I can see you're upset… so I think it's important you know that there's a really good chance this isn't as bad as it seems."

Akari looks at the nurse incredulously and says, "How?"

"There's a very good chance this flare won't last as long as they did before your medication. You've done amazing on it, but it doesn't usually eliminate flares entirely. It just makes them shorter and less frequent. So, it is likely you'll feel better in a week or so. There is a small chance that the medication no longer works for you. That happens sometimes and we will deal with it if it's the case. But it is a very unlikely outcome."

Thank goodness. I was about to rip the universe a new one.

Akari brightens up a little and smiles at the nurse, "S-so, I don't have to go home?"

The nurse smiles back. "No, not unless you want to. You will need to listen to your body and rest the next few days, so going somewhere that's comfortable for you is a good idea, whether that's home or your dorm room, or the Nakai's of course." She winks at me. "I'll write a note for your teachers, and I'm sure Kayoko here will help you catch up when you feel up to it."

I smile at her, "Yep, Carsten and Ai can help too."

"Well, I'm going to go put the prescription order in. They'll bring it in here and then you'll be able to go. I hope you feel better, Akari."

After she leaves, Akari leans into my shoulder and cries. "I th-thought I was going to go back to how I w-was…"

"Listen, Akari…I'm really glad you aren't going back to being sick all the time, but I want you to know something. Can you look at me?"

She does as I ask, and I lock eyes with her.

I already said this, but I think she needs to hear it again.

"Even if your lupus is back to how it was, and you had to go home, you're still my best friend, okay? That isn't going to change. I'm not going to abandon you. I love you."

She smiles wide and hugs me, "Okay…thank you. I…love you too. I was just…really scared…waking up how I did. I thought I was g-going to lose you…and everything here."

We hug for a little while longer and then she says with some newfound strength, "Anyway, I c-can handle a few days. I s-survived for years, after all."

"Yeah…seeing how hard it is today, I don't know how you did it. I mean, I know I have my own thing and I'm in pain a lot…but it never really gets as extreme as this is for you. I get why sitting inside and playing the French horn was one of the few things you could really do. That sucks."

She nods, "It really does."

"Hey, where do you want to be while you rest the next few days?"

Akari says, "Where are y-you gonna be?"

"Well, if you want me to, I can stay wherever you are. After all, you just stayed here at Yamaku for me over something as trivial as break-up." I laugh. "So, if you stay at my mom's I'll stay with you."

She scoffs, "Not t-trivial, but…no energy to argue…your mom's s-sounds nicest. Will that be okay?"

I laugh, "Of course it will. Even the nurse knows that. Don't you know my mom loves you?"

She smiles and says, "Yeah, I do."

"It's late enough now that she isn't here anymore, so I'll go call her. I'll be in front of the building once you're ready."

She nods.

I go out in front of the building and call my mom.

"Hey sweetie, how was your first day of year two?"

"A little too eventful. Akari is having her first lupus flare in forever."

My mom groans. "What a nice first day she must be having."

"Yeah, it's bad. But the nurse thinks it will be short thanks to her medication. Do you think we can come stay down there with you the next few days? She needs a lot of rest, and she'll be happier down there than in the dorms. I will stay with her too, but go to campus and leave campus with you, like when I lived there."

"Yeah, it will be nice having you two and I'm happy to help her. When should I get you?"

"Well, we need to get back to the dorms and grab a few things. So maybe an hour?"

"Alright sweetie, see you soon."

...

We just got to my mom's house for the night. Akari already seems a little bit better from her new prescription. Moving doesn't seem quite as painful.

Akari is on the couch and looks like she's about to fall asleep.

My mom notices. "Akari, before you go to bed, we should probably feed you. You haven't eaten all day, have you?"

"No."

"Okay, do you want something more like a meal? Or just a snack. I have melon bread."

"Melon b-bread please."

"You know, mom, I haven't had anything to eat in a while either."

She scoffs, "You aren't hurt right now, are you? In fact, why don't you get Akari's melon bread."

"Jeez. Ever hear of hospitality, mom?"

Akari softly laughs and my mom sticks her tongue out at me.

I get up and get melon bread for each of us before returning to the couch. After she finishes eating, Akari turns to me mom and says,

"Emi, thank you as usual f-for taking care of me. And for letting me stay here. I d-don't know if it's weird for m-me to say this…but I love you like family."

My mom moves next to her and says, "It's not weird. I love you too. You're like a daughter to me, Akari."

Akari hugs my mom and cries softly while my mom gets choked up too. I know Akari's mom loves her, but having someone warm like my mom in her life has really done Akari a lot of good. My mom having Akari in her life has probably helped her too.

"Well girls, I am going to go to bed. I would recommend you do the same Akari."

Akari nods. "Don't worry. I c-couldn't stay up if I wanted to."

I say, "Akari, do you need to sleep on your own? So, you can really spread out and not worry about me bumping you in the night or something?"

"N-no. I will feel better with you." She laughs softly, "You make it sound like you normally kick me in your sleep or something."

...

Akari's asleep next to me right now but I can't get to sleep. Mostly because I'm thinking about doing something very bad.

Akari's not really in condition to check my phone these next few days. I could take advantage of the situation and talk to Hideki. I think it would really hurt Akari's feelings if I did it when she's basically incapacitated. That's the only thing that has kept me from grabbing my phone and texting him right now. But…I might still do it. He'll be awake right now too, because of the time difference. Maybe we could text for a few hours. Yeah…I'm gonna do it. I have to know how he is. I just want to talk to him. What's so wrong with that? Akari will never know.

I grab my phone and go to select Hideki's name from the phone book. I can't seem to find it. That's…weird. I look several more times, but it still isn't there. I check our old texts, because even if he isn't in my phone book, his number should be saved there. But I can't find our old texts either. The last place to look is in the call history. But those are gone too. I have absolutely no idea what his phone number is either, who remembers those things these days?

I look at the small, adorable sleeping girl next to me. She must have done this as a fail safe for a time just like this. A time where I was going to break, and she couldn't do anything about it. That's impressive. She's taking her job of holding me accountable very seriously.

I could still text Masa or somebody and get his number that way. But it's the middle of the night and spending this extra time thinking about this has made me realize it is probably for the best if I don't text Hideki anyway. I guess I'll go to sleep.

---

The next day at lunch I fill Ai and Carsten in on everything with Akari.

Carsten says, "That sucks. She told me how bad it used to be…I can understand why she was so scared."

Ai says, "Yeah, seriously. Glad it doesn't look that bad."

I nod, "Me too. I figure the three of us can get her up to speed on stuff when she's ready to come back, that's what I told our teachers too. Although, she's the one who is good at history…so we all might be in a little bit of trouble there for this first week." We all laugh.

Carsten says, "Do you think we could visit her today?"

Ai says, "Yeah, that's a good idea."

"We probably can, I'll check with my mom and see if Akari is up to it."

Carsten says, "That would be cool. You know…I've never been to your mom's."

My eyes open wide reflexively, "That can't be true…can it?"

Ai giggles. "It is. I've been down there a bunch for girls' nights, but not him, for obvious reasons." She points in the direction of his crotch, which I do my best to ignore.

"Still…I thought you had been down there at some point…"

He laughs, "Nope! But that's okay. I get that I'm your third favorite friend these days. I knew you before Akari or Ai ever did, but it doesn't seem to help me out too much in the rankings."

I laugh, "Hey, there aren't rankings!"

"Sure there aren't, Kayoko. Sure there aren't."

He's kidding, but I think he's a little hurt. He was my first friend at Yamaku after all. And…I guess I don't blame him if he's NEVER been there…

"Well, I'm sorry you've never been. That is…bad of me. Seriously. I didn't mean to make going to my mom's such a 'girls only' thing. You'll get to go soon, okay! Probably today if I get the approval."

He smiles, "It's okay. I'm looking forward to going."

"Speaking of which, we need to plan Akari's birthday."

Ai nods, "It's next week, right?"

I nod, "Yeah, on Friday. Unfortunately, she may still feel like crap. Knowing Akari she's not going to want to go somewhere anyway."

Carsten says, "Well if she's still at your mom's we can do it there. We can just do it in a dorm room too."

"She may want to have it at my mom's anyway. The two of them are quite close, so maybe we'll just plan on that. So maybe you'll get to go to my mom's twice in one week, Carsten!"

He laughs, "I'll believe it when I see it."

...

I just walked into the music room for the first band meeting of the year. There are lots of new faces with the new first years, and some of the students from last year are gone. Like Hideki.

My aunt sees me come in and walks up to me. "How are you? Ready to be the first chair piano?"

I laugh, "I'm the only one this year, aren't I?"

She smirks, "Yes, you are. You still get to put 'first chair' on your resume though." She winks.

"Speaking of first chairs, Akari isn't doing very well. She's in the middle of a lupus flare so we'll be without her this week and maybe some of next."

My aunt grimaces, "That's a rough way to start the year."

"It is. She's staying at my mom's while it's bad. I'm sure you'll be over there at some point anyway, so you might see her."

I go to sit down at the piano. It's a little weird to be here. I mean, we came here some over the break, but now that I'm here for band again, it's bringing back a lot of memories. This exact spot I'm occupying was important for me and Hideki. It's where he started to have feelings for me, where I confessed to him, and where we had our first kiss. Luckily, I'm not bawling about it or anything, but I'm a little bit shaken. So shaken that I don't notice that someone is standing to my left.

It's Michi. He looks upset. I haven't really talked to him since Akari broke up with him. I turn to him and say, "What's up, Michi?"

He looks really worried. He says, "H-hey…I'm sorry to eavesdrop but I heard part of what you said to the teacher. Akari's lupus is back?"

"Yeah. It is. It shouldn't be how it used to be though, more temporary."

He nods, "O-okay. Um…let me know how things are going for her, okay?"

I sigh and say, "You know, you can text her yourself."

He frowns, "I try sometimes. She doesn't answer me."

"Well, she's probably more likely to if you tell her to get well soon or something. But fine, if she doesn't, I'll let you know how she's doing when I see you."

He nods, "Thanks. I can…tell you don't like me. I understand why. I deserve it. I messed up with her and wasn't as good to her as I should have been. I regret it."

I snap at him, "Yeah…well, you should regret it, Michi. Because you really screwed up. She's a great girl."

He grimaces and says, "Yeah…I know." Then he turns around like a dog with his tail between his legs.

I feel a little bad for being so blunt with him. He clearly cares about her. But it does make me angry that he didn't work harder to understand her anxiety. Akari says he tried but it just wasn't something he could understand. I don't know if I buy that. Although, I guess her mother has a similar problem.

...

Carsten, Ai, my mom and I are in the car and heading down the hill. My mom approved of the visit, and Akari seemed excited to see her friends. Especially because she still hasn't seen Carsten or Ai before Spring Vacation.

"You know Mrs. Nakai, your daughter was surprised that I've never been to your house."

My mom's eyes get wide, and she says, "That can't be true…can it?"

This makes me and Ai giggle because it's almost identical to my response. Some things are more important than genetics, I guess.

Carsten rolls his eyes, "It is true!"

My mom nods, "Okay then. I guess I just see you so much for physical therapy and hanging out with the girls on campus that I assumed it had happened." She smiles at him in the rearview mirror. "Well, I'm glad you're finally stopping by."

Carsten seems satisfied with this.

When we get to the house, Akari is up in the living room watching TV. She looks maybe a tiny bit better than she did yesterday, but it's hard to tell.

She's very excited when she sees Ai and Carsten, who both approach her. Normally she would get all bouncy, but she doesn't have it in her right now.

Before they can even ask her how she's doing, she asks, "Hey, how w-was your trip?"

Ai giggles as she brings her wheelchair to a stop, "It was good. But more importantly, how are you?"

Carsten sits down gently next to Akari and says, "Yeah, how do you feel?"

Akari sighs, "Crappy. Being exhausted and in pain is not f-fun. I got used to not having to deal with it, so it's kind of a shock."

Ai nods, "Yeah, I was hoping you'd never have to deal with it again."

Akari says, "Me too." Then she turns to me. "How was b-band, Kayoko?"

"It was good. There are a couple of first year French horns for you to meet."

"That's c-cool."

"Hey, Akari…did Michi text you today?"

Ai, who hasn't been paying much attention to the music conversation, suddenly checks back in when she hears Michi's name and says, "What does that asshole want?"

Akari laughs, "Yeah he texted, b-but I deleted it."

"Oh. Okay. He heard me tell my aunt about you and he was worried."

Akari sighs, "I know. That's what he s-said. Get well soon or whatever. M-maybe I shouldn't be so mean to him?"

I shrug, "It's up to you. But…I'm just saying he still cares about you. I don't think you two are right for each other for all the reasons we talked about, but I think maybe it would be nice of you to let him know how you're doing. That's all."

Ai scoffs, "You're too nice Kayoko. That guy can go to hell as far as I'm concerned."

"Yeah, maybe. But I think…if you saw how worried he was today, you'd probably be on my side, Ai."

Akari says, "He w-was really that worried?"

"Well, let me put it to you this way. He was worried enough to come and talk to me, someone who he knew wasn't going to be very nice to him, just to see how you were doing." I look at Ai, "And I definitely wasn't nice to him, you'll be happy to hear."

Ai gives me a thumbs up.

Akari sighs, "Fine. I g-guess I told him a lot about how hard my lupus was before. It makes sense he's w-worried. I'll text him back."

Ai says, "Fiiiine. But if he tries to get back with you, I'm gonna kill him."

Following our somewhat heated discussion, we notice that Carsten has gotten up and is looking at our family picture from a few years ago. Ai asks, "Hey, what are you doing over there?"

"Just looking at this picture. Is he really that hot?"

I glare at Ai, "You told your boyfriend you think my dad is hot?"

Ai giggles, "Why wouldn't I?" She rolls over to Carsten and says, "Yes, he's hot. What's the big deal? It makes sense doesn't it? After all you think her mom's ho-"

Carsten puts his hand over Ai's mouth to keep me from hearing, but he's too late.

I stand up and look at the three of them in succession with a similar look of disgust, "You people are sick. Every single one of you is into one of my parents. Do you think that's normal?"

Carsten looks embarrassed, but the two girls just giggle. I guess it makes sense. The girls don't have to face the object of their awkward affection. Meanwhile, Carsten sees my mom often for therapy and she's in the other room. He probably doesn't want her to know that he thinks she's attractive. The funny thing is my mom would mostly think it was cute. But I don't think Carsten can handle the embarrassment.

Akari says, "M-maybe not normal. But your parents are attractive. Are we just supposed to pretend they aren't?"

I roll my eyes, "Yes! You are supposed to pretend they aren't! Because they are your friend's parents!"

My outburst is enough to draw my mom's attention, and she comes out to the living room from her bedroom and asks, "What are you yelling about out here?"

I look at Carsten who has turned an even brighter shade of red. I guess I'll protect him.

I sigh, "Oh, nothing. Just Akari and Ai talking about how attractive dad is again."

Akari giggles, "Well…that and Carsten thinks you're c-cute, Emi."

I grimace. "Wow, Akari…I was trying to let Carsten escape here with some dignity."

Akari shrugs, "I'm sick. I can get away with it. He can't even get m-mad at me or he's being m-mean."

Carsten is a shade of red I didn't even know existed. He's been speechless ever since Ai revealed his secret. Now she's just giggling next to him.

My mom smiles at him, "Thank you Carsten. It's nice to know that such a young man finds me attractive." Then she immediately shifts gears and asks, "Would you and Ai like to stay for dinner?"

Carsten's redness is starting to fade. I think he realizes that my mom isn't going to make a big deal about this. He says something for the first time in a while, "Um…yes. If it isn't too much trouble, that would be nice."

She smiles, "Okay. I think we'll do take out, then. I'll get the menus."

She leaves to get the menus and Carsten glares at Akari and says, "Seriously?"

She laughs, "Oh come on. I knew she w-wouldn't make a big deal about it. I think you should be mad at Ai if you're mad at anybody. She's the one who b-blew your cover. I didn't even know you thought she was 'hot' until today.""

Carsten thinks for a second, shifts his glare to Ai, and says, "You did blow my cover, didn't you?"

Ai says, "I did. I'm sorry. It just came out. But Akari's right, Mrs. Nakai isn't offended, and it isn't going to affect anything, so let's just move past it."

He nods, "She was pretty cool about it, I guess."

I sigh, "My three best friends are all attracted to one of my parents. Great."

I sit down next to Akari and huff to let everyone know my displeasure.

She ignores the huff and says, "Hey, you wore your hair clip."

I laugh, "Yep, I did yesterday too. You must be feeling slightly better to notice."

"I like this one. Your hair looks really pretty." I feel her touch my hair lightly, "It's like…a really long ponytail?"

I nod, "'Low ponytail' is the technical term, apparently. There are like 20 things I can do with this clip according to the internet, which is cool. Thanks again for such a nice gift."

She smiles at me and says, "You're welcome. I'm excited to see all the things you try."

By now Carsten and Ai have joined us again on the couch. Carsten's face is almost the normal color again.

"Speaking of birthdays, do you want to do yours here?"

She smiles broadly and says, "Yeah, that would be nice."

Ai says, "Is there anyone you want us to invite? Other than present company?"

"I think my grandparents will want to come too."

Akari smiles at me. "Really?"

"Well, yeah. They adore you and think you're the best musician in the world on top of that. Thanks for that, by the way. I don't think they even remember I play the piano anymore."

Akari laughs and says, "I am sure they do. They'll get to s-see you perform this year too."

I scoff, "Are you trying to jinx me?"

---

Akari is about to head to school this morning for the first time in a week. The nurse was right, and her flare was short. It won't be too hard to get her back up to speed on everything. I'm happy she's feeling better. The way she looked when I found her at the beginning of her flare was heartbreaking. She still has a faded version of the rash on her face, but other than that she seems back to normal.

We're leaving my mom's a little early this morning so Akari can go to her room and change into her uniform before class.

We're about to head out the door when my mom looks closely at Akari and asks, "You're sure you're ready, Akari? It's no problem for you to stay here a little longer."

Akari nods, "I kn-know I still have my rash, but it makes it look worse than it is. I f-feel pretty good. Definitely good enough for s-school. My hips barely hurt and most importantly I'm not exhausted."

My mom smiles, "Okay. Just wanted to make sure. I'm glad you're doing better. Well then, let's get going girls."

Akari hugs my mom, "Thank you again for h-helping me, Emi."

My mom smiles and hugs her back, "No problem, sweetie. If this happens again you can always come stay here."

I say, "You guys are cute, but we need to hurry if Akari's going to her room first."

My mom sticks her tongue out at me. Then she releases Akari and we head out the door.

...

Later that day, when we go to band, everyone is very happy to see that Akari is back, especially the entire French horn section. I'm with her as we walk by them, and they each get up one at a time to welcome her back. Even the older students, who you would think might feel some hostility towards her since she's been first chair since the day she got to Yamaku, seem happy she's back. I guess with Hideki and some of the other third years leaving, she's the star of the band now. Akari smiles the whole time, which is nice to see.

When it's Michi's turn, he gives her a hug, and Akari returns it. They must have made up at least a little over text messages. I wonder whether he's the one who suggested they welcome her this way. If they had mobbed her to welcome her back it would not have gone as well. So whoever planned it clearly took her anxiety into account.

The last two students are more nervous, because they are first year students who have never met her before. They are looking at her like she's some sort of god. But the others in the section convince them to greet her too.

I depart to head towards the piano with a big smile on my face. It's nice for Akari to get such nice recognition and I could tell she really enjoyed it.

...

Later that night, Akari and I are in my room. I'm catching her up on the science she missed.

We just finished, and I'm happy, because I have a question that I'm itching to ask her.

"So, you and Michi seem like you are on better terms, what's going on there?"

She shrugs, "I don't know, exactly. He w-was really worried like you said, so I told him how I was doing and stuff. Then we started texting more."

I raise an eyebrow, "Isn't texting how things started last time?"

"Yeah. He apologized to me about the anxiety stuff, and that was n-nice. And he's being sweet to me. He hasn't s-said it, but I think he wants to get back with m-me."

I nod, "Yeah, when I talked to him when you were gone, he said he really regretted how he handled things. So, I think he wants to be with you too. Do you want to give him another chance?"

She sighs, "I don't know how I feel. It's hard to forget him g-getting upset with me in that karaoke booth. He made me f-feel so bad about my anxiety in front of a bunch of people who l-looked at me like I was a freak. And those people are his friends…who I would have to s-see more of if we got together again. So, that whole thing still kind of haunts me."

I nod, "Yeah. I can imagine having a hard time forgetting that."

"B-but does he deserve forgiveness?"

"I think you're the only one who can answer that, because you know how it made you feel. You also know better whether or not what he's done so far makes up for that."

"Yeah…I don't know. I guess if he asks to get back together, I will really think about whether I can forgive him."

"Yeah, that sounds reasonable."

She says, "How are you doing, by the way? I wasn't doing a great job of staying on top of that when I was s-sick."

"Well, that's understandable. I'm okay. By the way, did you delete all traces of Hideki from my phone?"

Her mischievous smile gives me all the answer I need.

"Well, thanks. There was a night when I broke and was going to text him and then I just…couldn't."

"I'm glad that worked. So, you still m-miss him?"

"I do. Yeah. I've been talking to my therapist about it. It has helped. But…I do still really long for him. I can be distracted from it for sure, but it's still there, in the pit of my stomach."

"But it is gradually getting better overall?"

"Yeah, it definitely is. As evidenced by the fact I'm not constantly sobbing, and you don't have to sleep with me."

She giggles, "That's true."

"Anyway, enough about me. Are you excited for your birthday?"

She nods, "Last year my birthday was hard. It was b-before I had any friends here. I…d-didn't do anything for it except talk to my parents on the phone. I was pretty depressed. I'm glad that's n-not how it is now."

"It hurts me a little to hear that's how it was last year. I was here and I could have been with you, but…we didn't know each other yet."

She laughs, "Well, other than r-running into each other, anyway."

---

It's Akari's birthday. My little friend group is at my mom's for the occasion and so are my grandparents. My mom made Akari her favorite meal, curry fried rice with tofu. She also picked up a strawberry cake from the Shanghai for her, which is her favorite dessert. It's me and my mom's favorite too, so we're pretty happy about it.

Now we're all about to give her presents. I hid mine in my mom's room, where hers is too and we're both in there to retrieve them. While we're alone in her room I take the opportunity to hug her.

She smiles up at me and says, "What's this for? Not that I mind."

"You're just…amazing to Akari, and it means a lot to me. This is probably the best birthday party she's ever had. I'm sure her parents did stuff for her, but it was always just them. And it isn't like either of them is exactly equipped to put together something as nice as this. So…thank you. I'm sure she'll tell you too, but I wanted to let you know on my own."

"Of course, dear. She feels like part of the family to me at this point. It's really nice having her around."

I nod and as I'm starting to get choked up, I say, "It is. For…all of us, I think."

"Okay sweetie, let go of me before you start crying and get me crying too. We have a birthday party to continue, so we probably don't want to come out of here all teary-eyed."

I laugh and let her go and we head back out to the dining room.

When we all sit back down Akari is smiling beautifully. I don't know if I've seen her smile more in a single day than I have today. I'm so happy she's enjoying having a day like this, especially after her flare.

She excitedly says, "So? Whose gift do I g-get to open first!" and it is adorable.

Ai wheels around the table and hands Akari a wrapped gift that is large and rectangular. It's wrapped in pink paper. The girl might be a little overly obsessed with pink, but it does make it easier to pick out wrapping paper for her. I take a quick look at the other gifts, and see they are all in pick paper too. Ai stays next to her as Akari eagerly opens her gift.

Once she's done, a manga box set is revealed. Akari looks at Ai and smiles and Ai says, "This is the one I was telling you about. I'm pretty sure it's the only romance manga you haven't read. Which is funny because it's the only one I have read. It's even about two musicians in high school, although they play guitar, but I bet you'll relate to them. Once you're done, we can finally talk about it!"

Akari hugs Ai and says "Thank you, I'm excited to r-read it. Thank you too, Carsten."

He smiles, "I've read it too, at first because Ai made me. But it's actually really good."

I say, "So I'll be the only one who hasn't read it, huh?"

Akari laughs and says, "You d-don't really read manga do you?"

I reply, "Nope! But maybe I'll have to start because I'm going to feel so left out."

My mom says, "I haven't read it either, dear. But I suppose that doesn't surprise anyone."

My grandpa quips, "We don't even know what manga is," prompting a laugh out of all of us.

My mom gives Akari her gift next. She hands her a wrapped box that looks an awful lot like what she got for me for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I bet she bought our presents at the same time because she had to go to the city and our birthdays are so close.

Akari eagerly opens the box and from her blush I can tell my mom got her the same sort of thing she got me.

I say, "Close your eyes, Carsten! You too grandpa."

They both look confused for a second but then they look at each other, shrug, and cover their eyes. Akari blushes deeply as she shows the women her spoils. They are two cute but definitely sexy push-up bras. Luckily, they aren't identical to the ones my mom got me, or that would be weird.

She smiles at my mom, "Th-thank you, Emi. I haven't tried these before. I've wanted to."

My mom smiles back, "You're welcome. I hope you enjoy them. I have gotten good use out of…" She looks towards Carsten and tries to think of a nondescript word to use "...that kind of thing, over the years."

My grandma adds, "They do look quite lovely."

Carsten still has his eyes covered, "This is kind of driving me crazy. Can I look yet?"

Akari says, "N-no!" then puts them away and says, "Okay, now you can both look."

Carsten and my grandpa open their eyes and still look confused, but they look at each other again and shrug it off when they don't really see anything to answer all the questions they probably have.

My grandma gets up and hands Akari their gift. It is a thin rectangular object. Akari smiles at her. "Thank you, Mrs. Nakai…you t-two didn't have to…"

My grandfather waves his hand dismissively at her and says, "Just open it."

Akari laughs and does what he told her to. It's a picture frame but we can't see what's inside it. She says, "Oh, thank you! This is r-really neat."

When she shows it to us, we see that it is antique sheet music of the solo she played at the concert.

"Wow, that is really neat!"

Ai says, "I see that it's music, but can someone explain?"

My mom indicates she'd like to know too.

Akari says, "It's old sheet m-music of the solo I played. It's from when it was first p-printed."

My mom smiles and looks at my grandparents and says, "That was very clever. How'd you come up with that?"

My grandma laughs and says, "We stole the idea from Saki. She got Chisato the same sort of thing once."

Akari smiles, "Thank you v-very much. I will put it up tonight."

I cringe a little imagining this beautifully framed sheet music being surrounded by the pink nightmare that is Akari's room. Then, I hand Akari my gift and smile at her, "Looks like I'm last."

She smiles at me and then eagerly opens her present. I hope I didn't screw up here, I did do something that's a little outside the box, at least for her.

When she finishes taking off the wrapping paper, she sees that it's in the same kind of box all her headbands come in and smiles at me before opening it. Inside, she finds a headband that isn't entirely pink. Instead, it's mostly pink, but it has a plaid pattern that also has some light blue and green pastels. Basically, it's all the different colors of cotton candy.

She smiles quickly when she sees it. She takes the one she's currently wearing off. It's an entirely pink knitted one with a knot on top. Then, she puts on her new one.

Then she hugs me and says, "Thank you, I really love it."

I smile at her, "I'm glad. I was a little worried that it wasn't pink enough."

She giggles as she adjusts her headband, "I think I should p-probably branch out a little bit, and it's still pretty pink anyway."

Ai says, "Yeah, and it matches your new bras too!"

This makes us all giggle as Carsten and my grandpa come to the realization of what they missed earlier. My grandpa chuckles, while Carsten turns red. Apparently now that Carsten does come here, he has to get embarrassed every time. Still, this is nowhere near as bad as the last time when I thought he might faint from embarrassment. It's funny that it was his girlfriend's fault both times.

Once we've all stopped giggling, my mom goes to the kitchen and brings us the cake before slicing it up for us.

The strawberry cake from the Shanghai is always amazing, and as a result, for a while we're all more occupied with eating it and enjoying it than speaking to another.

My grandma breaks the silence when she says, "Well, I'm afraid us old folks are getting tired. Happy birthday Akari."

Akari gets up and gives them both a brief hug. "Thank you both…it m-means a lot that you came and I love your gift."

My grandma smiles at her and says, "You're very welcome dear. Goodnight, everyone!" My grandparents leave and when Akari sits down and looks at her phone, I notice her eyes are fixed on it and she's lost in thought.

Then she says, "C-can we have an impromptu girls' night conversation?"

My mom, who has recently finished devouring her cake is roused from her sugar-induced stupor by the question. She raises her eyebrows and says, "It's your birthday, so if that's what you want to do, I don't see why not."

I look over at Akari, who is still staring at her phone.

I say, "Michi just said he wants to be your boyfriend again, didn't he?"

She nods.

Carsten starts to stand up and says, "Does this mean I need to leave?"

Akari laughs and says, "No, you can stay."

He sits down and chuckles, "I…don't know whether to be flattered or offended to be part of girls' night…but okay."

Ai crosses her arms and says, "I don't get it, Akari. What is there to think about? He's an asshole."

My mom gently says, "Let's see what Akari has to say before calling him names."

Then Akari begins, "Well, he apologized for what he did before…how he t-treated my anxiety. He told me he's read up on it a lot to try and understand me b-better. And there's s-some proof of that. When I got back from being sick, he organized a thing where the French horn section welcomed me back but did it in a way that d-didn't make me anxious."

That's enough for ME to think he deserves one more chance.

My mom says, "That does sound like he's made progress. What makes you hesitate to say yes?"

"Well…two things. First, he hurt my feelings badly enough that it is sort of etched in my mind. I…think about it every time I s-see him. If I can't s-stop doing that, it isn't going to work. Second, he said he understood in the past too, and then would still mess up. This time does seem a little different, like he's trying harder…b-but I still don't know if I can trust him."

Carsten says, "If you can't trust him, you can't be with him."

We all give him a bemused look and he says, "What? I thought I was part of this."

We all giggle and then my mom says, "I think Carsten is right. But you seem to think that maybe you could trust him."

Akari nods.

I say, "What if you just give him one more chance? He's already messed up several times. So, he doesn't deserve much more than that. But maybe he'll prove himself to you and you'll be able to trust him. It will also give you a chance to see if you can be with him without thinking about how he hurt you in the past. You can test the waters, I guess."

Ai scoffs, "I still think he's an asshole. Once an asshole, always an asshole."

My mom says, "People can change, Ai. Often they don't, but they can."

Ai is less willing to scoff at my mom, but I'm not sure she buys what she had to say either. The girl bears grudges against people who wrong her friends. Normally that's an admirable quality, but she's a little to stubborn about it sometimes.

Akari says, "I think I like Kayoko's idea. K-kind of like probation. As soon as he messes up, he's gone. And we can always break up again if I can't quite get past how he hurt me. But…that was our only problem. Everything else between us was good. It was a big p-problem obviously, but if he worked on it…I think I owe it to both of us to at least try."

I smile at her, "I think it sounds good. It would be great if it works out this time."

My mom adds, "I think that's a good idea."

Akari says, "Is anyone opposed to it apart from Ai? What about you Carsten?"

"I think with the probation thing, it sounds worth a try."

Ai sighs, uncrosses her arms and begrudgingly says, "I'm not opposed either I guess. I just don't like that he hurt you. But I guess if you think it's possible to forgive him, I can give it a try myself."

Akari smiles, "Thanks, Ai." She takes a deep breath and smiles. "Okay. I'm g-going to try again with him."

...

Later that night, when we are in the elevator on the way up to our dorm rooms after the party, Akari asks,

"Kayoko, are you going to be okay…if I have a boyfriend again?"

I laugh wryly, "You mean, will I become a mopey child like I did last time I was the only single one?"

She laughs, "I w-wouldn't say you were a 'mopey child,' but yes, y-you know what I'm talking about."

"I think I'll do better this time. I'm more mature now, right? If I do have problems, I will tell you about them. You do the same, okay? Last time you were with Michi neither of us did a great job of communicating."

Akari nods and says, "Yep, we will do better this time."

When we get to our floor, we see something pink in front of her door. As we get closer, it becomes clear that it is a bouquet of pink roses with a card. Akari's smile gets huge when we see it from down the hall, and it gets bigger the closer we get. I can't help but smile myself. Michi is really going all out and that's exactly what Akari deserves.

She bends down and picks up the flowers before smelling them and sighing happily. Then she opens the card.

She says, "It's m-my birthday present from Michi."

I feign a gasp and say, "What?! No way!?"

She giggles, and says, "Shut up." Before pausing to read the card.

She seems moved by what it says. "He wrote a r-really nice note. Do you want to see?"

I smile at her, "If you want me to. You can keep it private if you want. It might make it more special that way."

She thinks about it for a second and then holds it to her chest and says, "I think m-maybe I will do that."

I nod to her and give her a hug, careful not to damage her new flowers and I say, "Happy birthday, Akari. I'm glad you had a better one than last year."

[guthrum06]

It's been about two weeks since Michi and Akari got back together, and so far, so good. She's really happy. He seems to have figured things out when it comes to her anxiety. The two of us are also doing a better job of staying in touch with each other. Something we have both not done a great job of when we were in a relationship in the past.

We're at lunch now, and I'm happy to say that I am handling being around the two couples much better this time than I did last time. I'm especially proud I'm being so mature because I still miss Hideki. The two couples are also doing a better job of making sure I don't feel isolated.

"Hey, Kayoko, your hair looks really cool today."

I laugh, "Thanks, Michi. I don't know if 'cool' is what I was going for, though."

He looks at Akari and whispers something to her and she nods.

"It looks really pretty, is what I mean."

I raise an eyebrow at him, "Did you just ask her for permission to call my hair pretty?"

He blushes a little and Akari giggles.

"I'm sorry Michi, I'm just teasing. That's cute you wanted to make sure it's okay. And I am glad you noticed my hair. It's a new clip style I haven't worn before."

"What is that one c-called?"

"It's called a 'French Twist' because I took my hair and twisted it around itself before pulling it up behind my head and clipping it in place like this. Well, that's the 'twist' part. Don't ask me where the 'French' comes in."

Akari giggles, "Which is your favorite so f-far?"

"I think the low ponytail. I'm thinking of making that one my usual look, actually."

Michi says, "That's the one from yesterday?"

I poke Michi playfully, "Not only have you not checked out of this mundane conversation about my hair, but you're also right that is what I wore yesterday. I'm impressed."

Akari giggles, "I like that one b-best too, I think."

Michi smiles and says, "I haven't seen as many as Akari, but that one was good."

I smile at him, "Thanks."

I don't know if he's trying extra hard to be friendlier with me because he's trying to impress Akari, or if Akari told him to be extra friendly, or if he's doing it for some other reason. But I appreciate it regardless.

"I'm going to head back a little earlier than usual, everyone, I need to stop by the library."

Everyone says their goodbyes and I trudge back to the classroom building.

Ever since the science club meeting on gene editing last year, I've been doing some extra reading on it in my own time. Since Akari has been busier with Michi back in the picture, I have really thrown myself into learning about it and it's been fun. I'm such a huge nerd.

Today, a book I requested on inter-library loan came in and I'm excited about it. Unfortunately, it's in English, but I think I've gotten good enough to make my way through. Carsten can help a little if I need it.

When I get to the library I go to the front desk. The usual person is there, a student who works here during lunch and after classes. I'm not sure how he manages to do it without being completely exhausted, but he really loves the library and I guess it is sort of like his club.

He is a third-year student named Koji. He's a little bit taller than me, he has pretty light blue eyes and light brown almost dirty blonde hair. He also has some significant facial scarring on his nose and cheeks. The first time I saw them they made me stare, but I've interacted with him enough that at this point they are just part of him like any of his other features. He usually wears a hoodie with the hood up. I'm unsure whether this is a fashion choice or an attempt to conceal his scars, or maybe a little of both.

"Hey, Koji. How are you today?"

He smiles, "Not bad, Kayoko. Here for another book?"

I giggle, "Well, yeah, Koji. This is a library. Or am I in the wrong place?"

He laughs, "Clever as always. Is it an ILL book?"

I nod and he bends down and starts looking through a cabinet before finding my book. "Here you go. English, huh?"

"Yeah. Actually, is there a Japanese-English dictionary you'd recommend?"

He chortles, "Yeah. The internet."

"Some librarian you are. " I poke him in the arm for emphasis. "Aren't you supposed to want me to use books?"

"Yeah, yeah. There actually is a really good dictionary for scientific terms that you will probably need."

He gestures for me to follow him and guides me over to the language section and pulls down a two-volume set. It's an dictionary for scientific and engineering terms.

I flip through it and find translations for lots of terms I know will be important, and then I say, "Oh yeah, this'll be great. Thanks."

"Yep. For the non-scientific terms, the internet really is pretty good."

I nod, "Okay, good to know."

He processes everything for me to take it back to my dorm room. As I'm leaving, he says, "Your hair looks really nice today, by the way."

I feel myself blush slightly before I say, "Hey, thanks. I'm trying something new. See you next time!"

On my way back to my classroom for the second half of classes, I realize that we were just flirting. I even felt a little attraction to him and I'm pretty sure it was mutual. It feels pretty good. I'm not sure it means anything serious, but I haven't felt anything like that in a while. I guess I'm doing a little better with the Hideki stuff.

---

"Well, I found myself flirting for the first time since the break up, and it felt pretty nice. I'm not about to get in a new relationship or anything, but just feeling…any of that sort of thing for someone else was refreshing."

I'm at therapy, talking about how I feel about Hideki stuff lately.

Mr. Tatsuzawa nods, "Yes, that's some good progress, I think. You still haven't felt any anger about anything?"

"Nope. No anger here."

He smiles, "Okay, then. I think you are doing well enough with your breakup that we can move on to discussing some of the other things we've talked about. How do you feel about talking about your father?"

"I think it's a good idea. Can I ask you something?"

"Please."

"Did you know him? My dad?"

"I didn't. I started here last year, around the same time as you."

"Okay, I was just curious."

"Why don't you tell me about him? What was he like as your father?"

I smile, "He was…the best. He was a very kind, very gentle, very patient man. I think that's how anyone you ask around here would describe him. And…as his daughter I got to experience all of that all the time." I'm starting to tear up a little so Mr. Tatsuzawa hands me a tissue box and I dab at my tears. "I…could always feel he loved me. Just from how he smiled at me and took care of me and spoke to me. Even just memories of those things makes me feel…warm and safe. He was smart and loved teaching me things. He and my mom were probably the most in love couple I've ever seen…and it was beautiful. I really want to emulate them in my relationships." I figured I've said enough so I dab a few more of my tears and wait for a response.

"He sounds like a wonderful father. Losing him must have been very hard."

I nod, "It was."

I've never told anyone this next part, only my aunt and my mom really know. But my therapist should probably know this too. I really trust him after his help these last few weeks.

"Um…I found him the morning he passed. And my mom was in a state of shock…so I was alone and didn't understand what was happening. I thought maybe she was hurt or something. I called the ambulance and everything. It was that morning, after they had taken him, and my mom was still completely…broken, that I first felt that things were really unfair." I dab a few more of my tears.

He nods, "Yes, I can understand that. That would make anyone feel that way. Do you feel any anger towards your mother for how it happened?"

"No. I…mean, I wish that I hadn't felt so alone and scared, but I know that she couldn't help it. I told her it was just like how I can't help my joints getting dislocated. It's just…her mind broke when she saw my dad had passed. She lost her own dad when she was young, and it was traumatic. So…it made sense that she had such a hard time with it. It stayed that way for about a week. I know she did everything she could to come back to me. And then she did."

Mr. Tatsuzawa nods approvingly at me and says, "Not many 15-year-olds would understand that."

I shrug, "I dunno. I…have a weird amount of experience with grief, maybe? My mom and dad both grieved the loss of someone they loved…for their entire lives. I remember it from a young age. Seeing them struggle. I think it helped me understand stuff…in a way."

He nods, "That is a plausible explanation. Do you have any interest in psychology?"

I laugh and say, "What?"

"I'm mostly kidding, but…you do a pretty good job of figuring things out for someone with no training."

I smile, "Thanks."

"So, tell me more about that feeling you mentioned. About the world being unfair."

"Well, I just think…it sucks that my dad died young when he was an amazing person who was very careful with his health. It doesn't feel fair. He deserved more. And sometimes it makes me feel like…things aren't worth it, if that's how the world works."

"You like science, don't you Kayoko?"

Did he just ignore what I said?

"Well…yeah…"

"Is science fair?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, in the animal kingdom for example. Is there fairness?"

"Well…no. The fittest survive, that isn't the same thing as 'fair'…"

"What about out in space, stars forming and being destroyed, is there fairness?"

"No…it's chaos, really."

"Exactly."

"What? I don't understand."

"Fairness is a human concept, one that we can try to uphold with our cultures and institutions…but there are many forces outside of our control that don't pay it any heed."

"So…thinking of things as fair or unfair…is meaningless?"

"Well, I don't think I'd go that far. I merely want to say that thinking about the universe being 'fair' or 'unfair' isn't that useful of a concept, because those ideas only apply to things we can control. Unfortunately, for the most part…death isn't one of those."

I tightly squeeze the tissue I'm holding in my hand and grit my teeth. "So…should I just not care that my dad died!? Is that what you're saying?!"

"That's not what I'm saying. Of course you should. You should mourn him and miss him. Especially a father like the one you described. But, thinking of his passing as either fair or unfair…it doesn't really help you do any of that."

I unclench my fist.

"So…it's like I distract myself…when I think about that?"

"To some degree, yes. Unfortunately, in your life…you will encounter many more things that don't feel fair, but thinking about whether they were or weren't fair just isn't a helpful exercise for you mentally. In fact, thinking of things that way can be detrimental and can get in the way of you processing your grief. Things are as they are, and we have to cope."

"I guess that makes sense. You're good at using science to help me."

He laughs, "Thank you."

"Um… I'm…sorry I snapped at you. I'm pretty sure that's against therapy rules, or something."

He smiles, "I've heard far worse. I understand why you were angry in the moment. Now that we've talked about that, we can talk more about how you are trying to cope next time."

...

Later that evening I'm in my room trying to slog my way through the English book on genetic engineering I got today. I'm doing okay, but there are some sections I'm having trouble with.

The situation isn't helped by the fact that there is apparently a third volume for the scientific term dictionary I got from the library. I will have to go back tomorrow to get it. I don't hate the idea of getting my flirt on again a little, so it doesn't sound too much like a chore.

Speaking of which, I wonder if I should do my hair differently tomorrow to get him to comment on it or if I should do the same thing because he liked it. I may see what he says about the low pony. Just as I'm thinking about this and looking in the mirror, Akari knocks on the door.

"Come in, Akari."

She sees me in the mirror fiddling with my hair and asks, "What are you going with tomorrow?"

"I don't know yet, I was planning. How was your evening?"

She smiles, "It was good. We went for a nice walk and talked a lot." She sighs happily. "Things are going r-really well with him."

I smile at her, "I can see that, I'm really glad."

"I'm thinking maybe this 'French twist' should be my favorite. There was a guy who liked it."

"You mean Michi?"

I laugh, "No, I wouldn't count him."

"Who?"

"Koji, that library guy. We had kind of a flirty conversation today, actually."

"Oh yeah? Do you like him?"

"I don't think I'm in a place yet to 'like' a guy, but I didn't mind the attention from a cute guy."

Akari smiles, "So you think he's cute, d-do you?"

I smirk, "Yeah, I guess I do."

---

The next day, after spending some time with my friends at lunch, I make my way to the library to get the third volume for the science dictionary. I ended up going with the low ponytail today, I think it looks best. We'll see what happens.

When I get there, I see my friend is working the front desk again. I walk up and say, "Hey Koji, did you mean to stiff me on the third volume of that science dictionary?"

His eyes are fixed on the computer, and he's slow to reply. Eventually he says, "Um…Hang on just a second and I'll get it for you."

Well, so much for flirting today. He hasn't even looked at me.

I walk around the side to see what he's looking at so intensely.

"Is that…chess?"

He replies, "It is."

"Well…you definitely don't want to move your Rook there, you'll...oh, too late." The screen flashes, "Checkmate: You Lose."

He grimaces at the screen and then smiles at me, "You know chess huh?"

"I do. I don't play it that often these days, but I really love it."

"Why don't you play more?"

"None of my friends here play. I've tried to get them to but I can't get them into it. I basically only play when I go home. My mom and grandpa play."

He nods and gets up to head towards the reference book section, I follow him.

"Here's the one I forgot yesterday. Sorry about that."

We go back to the front desk, and he checks the book out to me.

"Okay, thanks."

"You're welcome. Hey, would you wanna play chess some time? Based on what just happened, you'll probably beat me. But I could use a chess partner too."

I nod, "Yeah that would be pretty cool actually."

"Okay, can I have your number? We can figure out where and when to meet."

Is he…hitting on me more openly or is this really just about chess? I don't know. I guess if a cute guy likes me and wants to text me or whatever, it doesn't mean I have to get with him any time soon. He's a nice guy, I like talking to him, and I do really need a chess buddy.

"Yeah, sure."

He smiles after I give it to him, "Great, thanks. I'll be in touch. Have a nice rest of your day. Oh, and your hair looks really nice again."

I feel myself blush a little, "Thank you. For the book and the compliment." I wink at him, and then in the flirtiest voice I can muster, I say, "Talk to you later."

---

It's the next day, and I'm on my way to meet with Koji in the girls' dorm common room for some chess. I am genuinely excited to play, and I'm not going to say no to a little flirting either.

When I get there, he is already waiting. He is wearing a hoodie of course. It does a pretty nice job of framing his pretty eyes. Maybe that's why he wears it?

I put the board down in front of him and greet him by saying, "Ready to get your butt kicked?"

He laughs, "That is what I'm expecting."

…

"Did you just beat me in 8 turns?"

"No."

"Oh, okay. 9 is a little better."

"It was 7."

He laughs, "Dang, couldn't have let me have 8 or 9 huh?"

I giggle and lean back in my seat, "There's only one empirical truth. I didn't want to deceive you."

"Well, a little deception might have helped my ego a little. How'd you get so good?"

"My dad taught me when I was 5. So, I've played a lot of chess. Clearly you haven't."

He laughs, "Damn. You aren't taking it easy on me at all. You're pretty cute when you're full of yourself."

I smirk, "Is that…a compliment and an insult? That's pretty impressive."

He shrugs, "I try. But you're right. I haven't played much chess. I only got interested in the last month or so. I learned it when I was young too, but me and the other kids played a lot more Go and Shogi."

"Other kids? Did you have a lot of siblings?"

The smile he's had on his face transforms into a frown. "Um…sort of." He gets out his phone and looks at it before saying, "Listen, I need to go."

"Okay. Do you want to meet to play chess regularly? You'll get better if you do."

His smile is back now, "Yeah, that could be fun. Text me and we'll set something up."

He leaves and I head back up to my dorm room.

While I'm riding the elevator, I can't help but think I upset him without even meaning to. I guess a lot of kids here have had a hard past. Obviously, that's going to be the case for someone with scars like his. I probably shouldn't have pried.

When I get back to my room, Akari opens her door and playfully says, "And how w-was chesssss."

I laugh. "It was good, weirdo. How was your evening?"

She smiles, "It was good." When I unlock my door, she follows me in and says, "Now tell me about chess."

"Not much to say. He isn't very good."

She raises an eyebrow, "Are we s-still talking about chess?"

I giggle, "Yes. What else would I be talking about?"

"I'm just teasing. I'm g-glad you have a cute b-boy to play with though."

"Yeah, me too."

---

For the last few weeks, I've been meeting with Koji a couple of days a week to play chess. We always have a fun and flirty time, and he's getting better at chess. He still hasn't beaten me, but I haven't been embarrassing him anymore either. I have avoided prying or touching on anything potentially personal.

"You win again, but I could see I made you sweat a little. You said your dad taught you, right? Is he better than you?"

I smile, "He was, yeah. I only beat him four times maybe." I fidget a little. "He passed away when I was 15. I might have been more of a challenge to him now."

"Oh, that's too bad."

I smile, "Yeah. I miss him. It's nice I have something like chess though." I laugh, "It's a little cliche but playing something he taught me makes me feel closer to him, in a way."

He nods, "I think that sounds nice. He would probably beat me in 3 moves, huh?"

I giggle, "Probably on day one, yeah. Now it would probably take 7."

He smiles, "Oh, so I've improved that much huh?"

"Yeah, you're actually improving pretty fast. You're playing a bunch of chess online too, aren't you?"

He grins, "Mayyybe. I'm just curious to see if you're as cute when you're losing."

"Yeah? I'm wondering whether you're as cute when you're winning, so fair enough."

His smile vanishes and it feels like the temperature in the room has gone down several degrees.

"Hey, it's getting late. I've gotta go. See you next time?"

"Yeah…okay."

What just happened?

---

It's been three months since Hideki left. I don't know whether it's because I've been spending time with a cute boy, or if it's just that enough time has passed, but I have finally fully accepted that we are over, and we will never be together again. Today I got clearance from my therapist and more importantly -- Akari --to open up contact with him again. I added him on social media as a first step. Just passively seeing each other's lives is probably better than starting to talk with him.

Within minutes, he adds me back and I click on his profile. I'm excited to see what he's been up to.

…

I thought I could do this. But I…wasn't ready.

My blood starts to boil the minute I see his profile picture.

He has a girlfriend. We broke up three months ago, I'm barely over him now and he has a GIRLFRIEND! One he has been with for two months by the look of it. He moved on one month after he left. ONE MONTH!

I slam my phone on the ground and massage my temples.

What a fucking asshole. He never cared about me. How could he if he already moved on to some American girl? He used me. He just wanted someone to play with here before he left. He left me behind as an absolute wreck. I was longing for him while he was probably already checking out girls on the fucking airplane. I thought he might have loved me. But he didn't, did he? I want to punch him in his stupid face. Break his stupid hands so he can't touch his new girlfriend with them. Make it so he can never play piano again, and they kick him out of Juilliard.

I get into my bed and start crying what must be angry tears. They feel extra warm. I…I need help or I'm really going to go off the deep end. There's one person who I need.

I call Akari, and she answers.

"Hey, Kayoko"

I reply, "Can…you come to my room right now? I…really need you, if you're available."

"Wh-what's wrong?"

"I shouldn't have gotten back in touch with him. He's the worst fucking person on the planet."

"...oh. Okay. I will b-be there soon."

After about 10 minutes she arrives. She comes in and gets in the bed with me and takes my hand.

"Hey, Kayoko. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. What d-did he do?"

With hot tears streaming down my face I reply, "He. Got. A. New. Girlfriend. A MONTH AFTER WE BROKE UP."

Akari flinches significantly when I yell, almost falling off the bed. I notice for a second, but then more anger wells up inside of me and I really don't care.

She timidly says, "I'm s-sorry that he did that."

"The worst part is that it means none of what we had meant anything. I let him have some firsts with me…not the biggest one, but…I thought I would look back and be happy about having them with him. I…let him touch me in ways I would never have let just anyone...I did it because I thought he cared about me. But he never cared about me, did he? I wasn't special to him. He just wanted some practice before he went to the U.S. and got a girl he actually cares about. He's just like Hiroshi. Another guy I stupidly let take some of my firsts away from me who didn't deserve them."

Akari squeezes my hand and says "D-don't yell at me…p-please. But, I just don't think that's true, Kayoko. You're upset and you aren't thinking c-clearly."

Good thing she reminded me not to yell, because I want to scream in her face. What does she mean? The asshole has a new girlfriend. He couldn't have moved on that fast if he ever cared about me.

Instead of screaming, I calmly say, "Explain."

"I s-saw him with you, talked to him about you, saw how he looked at you, you told me a lot of things too that made me think, 'Wow, this guy really cares for her.' There's just no way he didn't, Kayoko."

"Really?! Then explain how he could already be fucking some American girl right now."

She squeezes my hand and starts to stroke my hair, "He moved on fast, I'll give you that. And it s-sucks. But it doesn't erase what you t-two had. I think what you two had was special. He isn't like Hiroshi. I think he was the right guy to be your first boyfriend. The right guy for those other f-firsts. I understand being hurt, and you have every r-right to be. But don't let it make you think that your relationship wasn't special, okay?"

She's just pissing me off even more. He was over me months ago. He used me. He didn't care about me. Why won't she just admit it? I'm so angry. At him. Now at Akari for trying to downplay things and telling me I'm being irrational. I shouldn't yell at her, but I need to yell at someone…I don't think I can hold it in anymore. I'm about to explode.

I get right in her face and bellow, "JUST GET AWAY FROM ME IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FEED ME THIS STUPID BULLSHIT!"

She lets go of my hand mid-bellow, gets up, and has some of her own angry tears now. She looks down on me and says, "Fine. G-glad I dropped everything to come help you. You don't want help. You just want to be mad. And that's fine. But don't call me and tell me you need me to help you if you're just going to yell at me when I try. M-maybe I won't bother picking up the phone next time."

She starts crying harder, leaves and slams the door behind her.

Well, I guess I found that missing anger phase. I'll have to let Mr. Tatsuzawa know.

I even made Akari angry. I shouldn't have yelled at her. But she was trying to calm me down with complete nonsense. I don't need that kind of help. She knows I'm right, and she'll feel bad about it later.

---

The next morning, I wake up with a headache and a terrible feeling in my stomach. After a few seconds, I remember what I said last night to Akari and I rub my eyes, as if I can somehow unsee her crying face.

Anger is a powerful thing. Last night I would have sworn I was in the right. Now, it's very clear that I wasn't anywhere close. She did her best to help me by being rational, and everything she had to say was probably right. I'm still hurt, and angry at Hideki, but not to the point of irrationality anymore, and it's taken a backseat to the feeling of contrition I'm experiencing. I took my anger out on my best friend. The person I feel closer to than anyone in the world. I hope I can fix this.

After getting ready I knock on her door and get no answer, so I say "Akari…if you're in there…I want to apologize…"

Still nothing. She may have already gone to class or stayed the night with Michi. As far as I know, she hasn't done that yet, but it could have happened last night. Especially if I really upset her.

She's not in class either, which elevates my level of concern significantly. I hope it's not something worse than her just being upset with me.

When we get out to the quad for lunch, I was really hoping to see her and Michi waiting. I was thinking, 'maybe they were up late making out and just decided to only go to lunch and afternoon classes.' But that was denial. They aren't here. As lunch progresses, I look around hopefully thinking I might see them, but I don't.

Ai and Carsten have kept their distance from me at lunch, I think they can see that I'm upset and are weary about approaching me. But when lunch is half over, Carsten asks me, "No Akari today, huh? Is she sick?"

I frown at him and all I can say is, "I really screwed up yesterday, you guys…." I can already feel myself getting choked up.

Ai rubs my back with her hand to try to soothe me. "Hey, it's okay, Kayoko. Do you want to tell us what happened?"

I nod. "I was having a hard night because I saw that Hideki has had a girlfriend for two months…"

Ai says, "WHAT?! Carsten, look up flights to New York, because I'm gonn-"

"It's okay, Ai…I don't even care anymore. The point is I was filled with rage about it, Akari came to help me and…" Tears start to fall down my cheeks and my voice cracks "...I was terrible to her. I screamed in her face…I told her to leave. She was really upset, and I didn't do anything to try to help or apologize…"

Carsten says, "And you think that's why she isn't around today?"

I nod, "I think the best-case scenario is she's so angry or upset with me she didn't want to see me today. The worst case is….I triggered a panic attack or even a lupus flare and she was physically unable to come to class today…I…I can't believe I did that to her…it is bad to treat anyone that way, but with her…it could really be bad…"

Ai squeezes my shoulder and says, "Okay…well, let's try to find her, okay?"

I nod, "I don't think I'm going to go to afternoon classes or band. I have to assume she's not either. I'm not going to be able to focus anyway. I need to find out just how much I screwed up and try to put things right, if she'll let me."

Carsten nods, "Okay, we'll give you our notes later. Good luck. Let us know how it goes."

I nod and head back to my dorm room to regroup.

I lay down on my bed and type out a text to Akari, "Hey, I really screwed up yesterday and I understand if you don't want to talk to me. But I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

God that sounds stupid. Of course she isn't okay. And it's your fault.

After she doesn't respond for a while, I text Michi to see what's going on, but he doesn't respond either. I wait a little while longer, and then head over to the boys dorm. I've met Akari at Michi's before, so I know where it is. When I get there, I knock on it. He opens it slightly and looks at me through the opening. He's angry.

"What are you doing here?"

I bow my head. "I…deserve that. I know I really screwed up. I just wanted to know how Akari is."

"Well…she's not good after how you treated her."

From further in the room, I hear Akari wearily say, "Is that her?"

He replies, "Yeah, it's her. What do you want me to do?"

Akari sighs and says, "Let her in."

Michi lets me in while glaring a hole through me. Akari is on the bed. She looks like she's never gotten out of it today. She's still in pajamas. She's been crying. A lot. Her eyes are red. There are tissues all around the bed. It would be hard to see her this way no matter what. But knowing that I did this to her physically makes my chest hurt.

I want to get in bed with her and snuggle with her. That's what we normally do when one of us is upset, but in this case it's my fault and I can't imagine she wants me to comfort her that way now.

I sit down in the desk chair and look down, cradling my head with my hands.

"…I understand, if you don't want to accept this, because I was the worst friend in the world yesterday. But I'm deeply sorry and should never have treated you that way."

Michi scoffs and I look up at him.

Akari looks at him for a moment and then says, "C-can you step out for a second?"

He looks kind of hurt but then nods and does what she asked.

Akari doesn't say anything for a few minutes. She must really want to make sure she says what she needs to. It feels like an eternity.

Then without looking at me, she quietly says, "You r-really hurt my feelings yesterday. I came here and cried...and that's pretty much all I've been doing." She starts to tear up, and I do too. "I care…so much about you, Kayoko…"

She trails off and cries a little before composing herself and continuing.

"I just know I would never treat you the way you treated me yesterday. I would n-never scream in your face and tell you to leave my side…No matter what. Certainly n-not when you were trying to help me. I never thought you would t-treat me that way either…so, it really hurt me that you d-did."

I am crying harder now but doing my best not to sob. I don't feel like I deserve much sympathy, so I'll save that for later. I really am awful. I already knew all this from looking at her. But hearing the words is so much worse.

With my arms wrapped around myself and hunched over in the chair I say, "I know…there's no excusing it…You're my best friend in the world. You've helped me through so much…I love you. It doesn't matter how upset I was…what I did was wrong. So…all I can say is that I am so sorry. Seeing that I hurt you like this…it's enough m-motivation for me to never do it again."

She looks at me for the first time since I've been here and says, "I love you too." Then she looks back down and says, "I think that's why I will b-be able to forgive you. But not today. It's t-too fresh. So, I need you to g-go now. Tell Michi he can come back in when you g-go out there."

"Okay. Th-thank you."

She rolls over and turns her back to me without responding.

When I go back into the hall Michi is leaning against the wall. He looks like he's about to lay into me, but before he can I say, "She said you should go back in. Thank you for taking care of her after…what I did."

I must look bad, because the anger in his face evaporates and he sighs before saying,

"You took care of her when I messed up. So, I guess we're even." Then, some of his anger reemerges when he says, "But…if you hurt her again…"

"You don't need to threaten me. I won't hurt her again. I can't after s-seeing what I did."

He nods and goes back to his dorm, and I make my way back to mine.

It's only about 3, but I think I'm just going to sleep until morning. If I stay awake, I have to think about how much I hurt Akari, and I think I've had enough of that for now.

…

I'm awoken by loud knocking on my door. It looks like it's 7:30. I sit up in bed and say, "Who is it?"

"It's Ai, are you okay?"

I get up and open the door and say, "I'm okay."

She looks up at me for a moment and then says, "You don't look okay…and you weren't responding to texts. What happened with Akari?"

"She's okay. Just…really hurt. I found her and apologized. She said she could forgive me, but she wasn't ready yet. So, I came back here and went to sleep."

Ai frowns, "Okay. Do you still need to talk about Hideki? Or Akari? I know I'm not her…but I'm here if you need me."

I nod and sit down on the bed and Ai comes in and closes the door.

"The funny thing about this is that it really put the Hideki thing in perspective. Yesterday, it felt like the fact that he has a girlfriend was the most important thing in the world. The biggest betrayal in the world."

Ai says, "But you don't feel like that now?"

I shake my head. "Nope. After seeing how upset she was today…I think what I did to Akari is a lot worse."

Ai frowns, but then nods.

"So, in a funny way, Akari did end up helping me with that situation. She put things into perspective for me. It's a shame that I had to treat her like garbage to get that perspective though."

Ai hugs me and I hug her back.

"I'm sorry. But I think everything will be okay between you two in the end. You two really care about each other. I think forgiving someone is part of that."

"Yeah. Funny thing is, I think Akari will probably forgive me before I fully forgive myself."

Ai leans back and smiles at me and says "Probably. Do you need me to get in bed with you? I know that's what you two do when one of you is upset."

I look at Ai with my eyebrows raised. "Akari told you huh? No, that's okay. Your boyfriend would really miss you. He can barely handle it when we go to my mom's for the night."

Ai giggles and in a silly but seductive voice says, "Well, what about all three of us, then?"

I laugh, "Do you really think Carsten is capable of sharing you?"

"Probably not. There isn't that much of me to go around, anyway."

I laugh, "I guess that's true. Hey, thanks for coming to check on me, Ai. Your silly threesome talk has definitely cheered me up."

"Good. You should probably get some food. You haven't eaten all day, have you?"

I guess she's right. I never felt like eating. I didn't have breakfast or dinner, and I only picked at my lunch.

I sigh, "Yeah, you're right. Have you two eaten?"

"Yeah, sorry. I'd go with you, but as you pointed out I have a very needy boyfriend waiting for me."

She turns around and I open the door for her and she leaves.

I guess I'll go to the cafeteria before it closes.

...

I barely get to the cafeteria in time, and there's no fresh food left. Just baked goods and the like. Luckily, I could happily subsist on melon bread alone. I grab a couple, intending to take them back to the dorm with me since I look like such a mess right now. But then I see a friendly face.

I walk up to him and sit down in front of him, "I wasn't sure you existed outside of the library or the dorm common room. I'm happy to see I was wrong."

Koji laughs and says, "I could say the same about you." Then he really looks at me and says, "Hey…are you okay? You look kinda…"

He trails off.

"Go ahead. Finish, I'll wait."

He waves me off with his hand.

"You were probably going to say 'rough' and you'd be right. I just took a long nap in my clothes and didn't do much to make myself look better before coming here."

He picks at his food. "Anything you want to talk about?"

I sigh, "I really screwed up yesterday and hurt my best friend's feelings. So just…coping with that fact, is why I look like this."

He smiles, "Well, you still look better than most girls when they try really hard, so at least there's that."

"Yeah? So how do I look when I do try?"

He looks down and blushes a little. "Amazing."

"Thanks. You're pretty cute yourself."

He looks up at me and makes a face like I just slapped him. Then he stands up and walks towards the tray return. With his back turned towards me he says, "I…have to go." Then he leaves. I stay behind dumbfounded.

...

Shortly after I got back to my dorm from dinner, my phone rings. It's my mom. She's up late for her. After exchanging the usual greetings, she says,

"Tell me if I'm being crazy."

"Okay. You're being crazy."

She scoffs, "Very funny. Anyway, my feelings are kind of hurt."

"Because I called you crazy?"

"Stop it! No. Because I haven't met Michi."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess I can see why you would feel that way."

"It's not a little crazy for me to want to meet my daughter's friend's boyfriend?"

I laugh, "Come on mom, we both know Akari is more than just my friend to you at this point. Heck, she's more than just my friend to me. Didn't you two recently proclaim your love for one another?"

"Yes, that's true. She does feel like family, doesn't she?"

"Yep."

"And you introduce your boyfriend to your family if you've been with him a few months, right?"

I laugh, "Yep. I'll see what I can find out on that front. It…um, might be a little bit."

I sit down on my bed and tell her everything that happened with Akari.

"Well, I'm glad you two will be okay. It sounds like you don't need any scolding from me based on how you feel. The important thing is: Make her bring Michi down here once you two are back to normal."

"Really? That's the important thing?"

[guthrum06]

I'm sitting at my desk doing some homework, but I'm not very focused. It's been a week since I apologized to Akari. She and Michi have returned to lunch, and I see her in class. But we still haven't spent any time alone together. I really miss her and I'm hoping she can forgive me soon, even if I sort of feel like I don't deserve it. Just as I'm having this very thought, I hear her knock on the door. I must be a witch or something. I can't help but smile broadly when I say, "Come in, Akari."

She comes into my room with a somber look on her face, and my smile evaporates. My immediate thought is that she is still upset with me, and we need to clear the air some more. That's certainly fair.

"Hey. Are you okay? Do we need to talk some more about us?"

She shakes her head, "We are good again. Will you hug me p-please? I need a Kayoko hug. I missed them."

I find myself smiling wide. "Well, yeah, of course." I get up and hug my friend as she requested. I missed hugging her.

"Everything okay? You seem upset. And if it's not about me…"

"It's Michi."

"Oh, did he go back to getting frustrated with your anxiety?"

She shakes her head, "No, he's been r-really great with that…"

"So…something else?"

"Yeah. He um…he told me he loved me."

"That's a bad thing?"

She shrugs, "M-maybe. I didn't say it back. And it really hurt his f-feelings. I feel really bad. He's been so good to me…should I have just said it?"

"Not if you don't feel that way."

"B-but…it feels like…I owe it to him. He's worked so hard to be a better boyfriend this time, and he's b-been so good…"

"I know he has. But telling someone you love them because you feel like you owe it to them probably isn't the best reason."

She sighs, "You're right."

"Can I ask…why you don't feel like you love him? You like him and you've been with him for a few months. What makes you hesitate to say you feel 'love'"?

"I d-don't know…I like him, I think. B-but…it doesn't feel as deep as when I've loved someone. I don't feel…connected to him enough, to say it."

"Didn't he help you when I messed up last week?"

She frowns and breaks the hug before sitting on the bed. I sit down next to her. "Kind of. That's…kind of when I started to realize m-maybe things aren't how they should be between us. I…had a hard time feeling comforted by him."

"I guess maybe it's hard to have an answer for this, because maybe you can't explain it…but why do you think he couldn't comfort you?"

She taps her index finger on her chin as she thinks for a moment.

"It's the other half of the p-probation."

"Uh…what?"

"Well, part of us g-getting back together was to see if he could understand my anxiety better this time…and he did. But the other part…" She trails off, and I remember what she's talking about.

"...was if you could get past how he hurt you before."

She nods, "While I've…mostly been able to forget it, the times where he got frustrated with me have made it hard for me to feel completely…connected to him. I guess…in the back of my mind, I still d-don't fully trust him enough. At least...that's my g-guess, for why I don't feel...how I should."

"There isn't a way you should feel. You just feel how you feel."

She hugs herself and looks at me with sad eyes. "I...have to b-breakup with him, don't I?"

"Well…maybe, but you should talk to him. Maybe he's okay with you not being ready to say it just yet. Do you think it's impossible for you to ever love him?"

She shrugs and sighs, "I d-don't know. I guess impossible is a strong word…but I feel…fairly certain that I just can't love him."

I sit down next to her and put my arm around her and she leans into my shoulder, "Well…it sounds like you may need to break up then. Even if he were okay with you not being ready to say it yourself…he is going to expect you to be able to say it some day. But either way, you should talk to him."

She nods and then tears up, "I will. He d-deserves that, for sure. I…really hate this. Maybe I d-don't love him…but I do care about him. If he's in love with me, this is really going to hurt him."

"Yeah…that stinks. But…he'll be okay in the long run, speaking as someone who has been heartbroken before."

She nods and exhales, "Enough about that for now. Let's talk about something happier. How is chess?"

I laugh, "It's good. He's gotten a lot better."

She raises her eyebrow and I laugh and say, "Yes, I'm just talking about chess. Given what happened last week I think it is pretty clear I'm not ready for more than chess."

She nods, "Is he still f-flirty with you?"

"For sure. He…doesn't seem to like it when I flirt back though."

"What do you m-mean?"

"If he tells me I'm pretty and I fire back by saying he's cute, he acts like I insulted him."

"That is w-weird. But hey, how about I take this boy problem of yours and you go break up with Michi for me."

I laugh, "Doesn't seem like a fair trade. I will help you however I can with that, though."

She nods and hugs me. "I'm sure I'll be needing you."

---

"Well, it took you what - 15 moves to beat me this time?"

I laugh, "Yep. See, I said you'd get better."

Koji leans back in his chair and shakes his head, "Damn. Maybe we should be playing one of the games I'm better at too."

I giggle, "We could do that. It would only be fair."

He smiles, "You have a really cute giggle."

I give him an over-the-top giggle in response, and say "You have a really cute smile."

His smile fades again and he looks uncomfortable.

"Okay, I have to ask, why do you hate it when I compliment you?"

He looks like he wants to run away. But he stays in place and wrings his hands.

"I'm sorry…if it's too personal…

He sighs and quietly says, "I just don't believe you."

"Don't believe I would dare ask something so personal?"

"No. I don't believe that you think I'm cute."

"What? Why?"

He pulls his hood forward as far as it will go.

"Your scars don't mean you aren't cute, Koji. You definitely are."

He glares at me, and his voice gets sharp. "Yeah? Then why wasn't I ever adopted? Why have I been bullied my entire life? Why did a girl at my old school pretend she liked me as a practical joke? Those things…they don't happen to the cute guys, Kayoko. I could…maybe believe that you like me because of my personality…but don't tell me I'm cute. I'm not."

Well…that explains a lot. Of course, I have a lot of questions, but this doesn't seem like the time. I should just just address this main issue.

"I'm sorry those horrible things happened to you…I didn't know any of it, obviously. I can see why you would think you aren't cute after all that. But they don't change the fact that I think you're cute. I mean, it's like half the reason I'm playing chess with you so much."

Once again, he looks like I insulted him. "I'm sorry, I don't believe you. I'm…going to go. I think we might be done here if you're going to keep doing this." He stands up and heads for the exit.

I frown, "Koji…will you let me prove it to you?"

He sighs and turns around, "How?"

This could end up going really badly. But it's worth a shot. I want to help him if I can. It's a little awkward we are in a public place, but there isn't anyone around right now.

I walk up to him and put my hand on either side of his face, holding his hood. I start to pull it down. He looks like he wants to stop me at first, and even moves his arm like he's going to, but he decides not to. He's trembling slightly.

I smile at him before kissing him on each of his scarred cheeks. He flinches a little. Then I give him a kiss on the lips. He's tense at first, but then hugs me and I hug him back. I break the kiss after a few seconds.

When I do, he looks shocked, but also happy. "See? I think you're cute. I don't do that with guys who aren't."

He smiles at me and then comes in for a kiss of his own. It feels really nice, but I break it after a few seconds because I definitely need to tell him something before he gets the wrong idea. "I should tell you…I went through a hard break up and am not in a good place to be in a relationship right now. I wanted to do this to prove that you're cute, though."

He looks a little disappointed for a moment and then releases me from his arms.

"Okay. Well…I suppose I believe you. Um…any idea when…you might be interested in a relationship?"

I can't help but giggle. "Was that a confession?"

He sighs, "Yes. I've had a crush on you…since I met you, pretty much. The only reason I didn't confess earlier is because I didn't think you would like me the same way. But now, I know that's not exactly true. So, I'd like to be together."

I frown. "I'm sorry. I don't know when I will be ready. Remember how I upset my friend recently? It all happened because I found out my ex had a girlfriend, and I was in a horrible mood about it."

"I…see."

"Yeah. But…once I am ready, I will consider your confession. Just…don't wait or anything. I don't know how long it will be."

He nods, "Okay. We can still be friends in the meantime?"

I smile at him, "Yeah. I'd like that. And…hey if you ever need to talk about some of that stuff you mentioned earlier… I would listen."

He doesn't really respond to my offer to listen. After that he hugs me again and we part for the evening.

---

I'm in my room doing some extra reading on gene editing. This topic is really consuming my free time. As much as I love music, this feels different. I think because it's so personal for me. Imagining that I could be a scientist some day who helps find a way to get rid of genetic conditions…like my dad's type of Arrhythmia, my EDS, Akari's lupus, or Hideki's COPD…I'm not sure there's anything else that would motivate me the same way.

Akari is breaking up with Michi today, I'm a little antsy to see how that goes. She's going to drop by here when it's done.

I can't help but think about kissing Koji yesterday. It was really nice. I think based on what he said to me, it must have been his first kiss. It was surprisingly good, especially for a novice. But…I hope he doesn't feel like I took that first from him.

Just as I'm thinking about that situation Akari knocks on my door and my teary-eyed best friend enters the room.

I get up and hug her. "How did it go?"

"N-not good. He was really cruel to me…I know he was hurt, b-but…"

"What did he do?"

She sits down on the bed. I sit down next to her.

"He s-said he wasted his t-time on me. Which if he had s-stopped there, might not have been too bad. I…k-kind of did. But then he m-mentioned that he c-can't believe I didn't have sex with him, or d-do other sexual things for him more often. Which makes it s-sound like the only reason he was nice to me is because he w-wanted to sleep with me…"

"What an asshole. Well…at least you know you made the right decision now."

She nods, "Yeah. I'm…p-pretty sure he's going to apologize when he calms down, and he w-was lashing out because he is hurting. But it makes me feel a lot less b-bad for hurting him."

"Do you wanna go to my mom's or anything?"

She sighs, "I don't think so. I have a lot of homework and I am honestly n-not that upset about the actual break up…just, what he said."

"Yeah, you seem pretty calm all things considered."

She nods. "Can I get my homework and come do it in here?"

"Of course."

After we work quietly for a while she asks, "Any updates about chess?"

I laugh, "We kissed."

She raises an eyebrow, "Is that a chess t-term?"

I giggle, "No. We kissed, then I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, then he confessed."

Akari blinks a few times as she seems to be processing my words. "That's…a weird order to do things in. Are you sure you said that r-right?"

I laugh, "I did."

I explain to her how I kissed him because he didn't believe he was cute and how I promised to consider his confession seriously in the future.

She smiles, "I guess the order makes m-more sense now. Do you think you m-might end up with him?"

I shrug, "Maybe. Our kisses were nice. But it's so hard to tell what I'm feeling right now. I'm a little worried that I'm still on the rebound."

Akari nods, "That makes sense. T-taking it slow and cautious is probably a good idea."

---

Koji and I just finished playing chess. I won again, but he continues to improve.

"So, I know you're not ready for a relationship now, but I'd like to propose something."

"Um…okay."

"What if we just…kissed some more? It doesn't have to mean anything. I…kind of haven't been able to stop thinking about kissing you the other day. We don't have to do anything other than kiss."

That does sound…appealing. I've had our kiss on my mind more than I care to admit.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea. I don't want to lead you on, or anything. I'm worried you'd get more attached to me and then get hurt. It would feel…like I'm using you, or something."

He scoffs, "I'm the one who suggested it though. Doesn't that mean you can't be using me?"

The man does have a point…plus I can keep helping him feel better about himself. Is there any downside here?

"Okay…if we're going to do this…"

He gives me a big smile and says, "So we're going to do it?"

"Don't get too excited yet, I have a big if. If we're going to do this, there need to be some serious ground rules to keep things from escalating."

He nods.

"Only kissing. No tongue. Hugging each other while we kiss is as far as we go in terms of touching. And…I think we should always be standing. If any of these rules get broken, we're not doing it anymore."

He nods, "Okay. I understand." He smiles, "Can we…kiss now?"

I giggle. "You're eager, aren't you?

He laughs, "A little bit."

"We should probably go somewhere…a little more private if we're going to." There aren't a whole lot of people here, but people regularly walk by this common room.

"We could go to my room."

I laugh, "That's probably a good additional ground rule. We don't kiss in each other's rooms."

He nods, "Yeah…good point. We…could go to the library. I have a key after all."

"Won't you get in trouble?"

"Nah. I go there after hours all the time, no one would suspect anything."

I smile, "Well, that sounds like a good option then."

As we head over to the library, he has a goofy smile on his face the entire time. I like the fact that he's so excited to kiss me. I'm excited too.

Once we get to the library we go to a back corner and then turn off the lights so no one can possibly see us through a window. Then, with my back against the wall, I gently pull him towards me. I kiss him on each of his cheeks again, before kissing him on the lips. I hope if I keep doing this, he'll really understand that his scars aren't the repulsive thing he thinks they are. In his mind, they must be far worse than they actually are. He's pressing a little more firmly this time, which I don't mind. I put my arms around him, placing my hands on his back, and I move away from the wall a little so he can do the same. I hug him a little more firmly, because feeling him against me is nice. I find myself wanting to break some of our ground rules and almost slip my tongue into his mouth numerous times, but I'm able to control myself. So is he.

We gently kiss each other for what must be 10 minutes. We stop when I break the kiss. He's disappointed.

"It's getting late. We should probably go back to our rooms."

He says, "Y-Yeah…probably. That was…nice."

I giggle, "I agree."

As we're heading back to the dorms, he asks, "Will this just be part of our chess nights now?"

I laugh, "Only if you beat me."

He smirks, "So that's a 'no,' then?"

"Maybe. We'll have to see."

He smiles, "Okay. Well..see you later."

As I head back to my dorm and the tingly feeling on my lips fades, I start to feel bad. Really bad. He really likes me, I think. Even if it was his idea for us to do this no strings kissing, I'm really worried he's going to get hurt. But it's also really nice to kiss a cute, sweet guy who is this into me.

When I get back to my room Akari opens her door and smiles mischievously. "You were out p-playing chess later than n-normal."

I sigh and invite her into my room.

I sit down on my bed and cradle my head in my hands. "I have a romance dilemma. I was going to see if Ai is available too."

I call Ai and she makes her way down to my room. They are seated while I stand in front of them and explain the situation. Now I'm summing things up.

"So, basically, we're kissing, with very strict boundaries. I think it's…kind of good for both of our mental health right now. But I also know he really likes me…so I think maybe we shouldn't?"

Akari's arms are crossed, and she's scowling at me. Ai looks more neutral, she speaks first.

"So…basically, you're friends with benefits?"

"Are we? It makes me uneasy to hear it called that."

Akari responds, "Well…that's wh-what it is, Kayoko. So, if it m-makes you uneasy, there's y-your answer."

I frown at Akari, "Are you mad at me?"

"A little. I thought you were m-more of a romantic than this."

I look down at my feet, "Yeah…I guess I did too. But it's complicated, okay! There are ground rules. It isn't like I'm just using him…is it?"

Akari scoffs, "Sounds like it to m-me.".

Ai says, "Well…hold on, Akari. This guy is clearly getting a much-needed confidence boost out of it. So at least he's…kind of using her too?"

I nod at Ai in thanks, and Akari says, "I guess maybe it's okay right now. B-but what happens later?"

"Huh?"

"He's g-going to fall in love with you, Kayoko. He already has feelings for you. So, if you hang out and k-kiss twice a week for long enough, that's what will happen. Then what will you do?"

I sigh and sit down on the chair. "Either we end up together or he gets really hurt and…I definitely can't guarantee we end up together. Man, I suck. It just…sounded so nice."

Akari comes and stands next to me and puts her hand on my back to comfort me. "You don't suck. You're just hurting still and this w-was a nice escape. I think it's okay if you two still hang out…b-but the kissing will complicate things."

Ai says, "Yeah…I guess Akari is right. Sorry, Kayoko."

"Now I have to figure out how to tell him we aren't…kiss buddies or whatever."

The two of them both leave for the evening.

After Ai and Akari leave, I get a text from Koji.

"Hey. Kissing you is amazing but…a little too amazing. It's messing with my head. We probably shouldn't anymore."

Well, that makes it easier.

[guthrum06]

The Yamaku festival is a week away and I am in way over my head.

I was chosen as class rep earlier this year. I think Ms. Hamada rigged the election to get revenge on me for not joining science club or something. This means, among other things, I'm in charge of making sure our class booth gets made and that people are assigned to work at it.

As usual, the band is also performing at the festival this year, so my attention is divided. Luckily, my mom and my friends are a big help.

Right now my mom, Ai, Akari, Carsten and I are staying late to put our booth together out on the quad. It's a little early to be doing it, but Akari and I won't have much time this week because of band practice. We have a food booth this year, I decided that was less of a headache than a game.

Ai and I are painting signs while the others are putting the booth together. It's hot, especially for the three doing serious manual labor. I take a break from painting to look at their work.

"This looks good, you guys. Do you want me to go get you some drinks? You all look pretty thirsty."

My mom nods, "I'll come with you. What does everyone want?"

Everyone wants water. That makes sense in this heat.

We walk off to find a vending machine.

"How are you holding up with all this, sweetie?"

"I'm okay. I think I managed the time well, and all of you helping is really nice."

My mom laughs, "This is more help with a booth than I ever gave anyone when I was a student here."

"That…doesn't surprise me."

She sticks her tongue out at me. "I'll have you know I helped Rin with a mural once. But that's not a booth."

I laugh, "Okay, that's more than I would have guessed."

My mom lets out a bittersweet sigh, "Your father always loved the festival."

I smile at her, "I know. I have some good memories of coming here."

"Me too." She smiles. "The festival his first year after he came back here was a big day for us. So, it's an important day for me."

"What do you mean? You weren't together yet right?"

We stop at a vending machine for the drinks and head back towards everyone else.

"No, not together. We had already been friends for a few months, but we hadn't gotten especially personal. We were both avoiding talking about what we were struggling so hard with. It changed because of the festival. The band invited him to come to their performance of Saki's songs – kind of like the one you are doing this year." She frowns a little. "And…that was the first time your dad showed me how much he was still hurting."

"He didn't handle it well, huh?"

"Well, he did in the end. But…he had a pretty big breakdown and I helped him through it. It convinced me to tell him about my pain about my dad. I did it the day of the festival and I had a breakdown of my own when I did. We became best friends that day."

"That's nice. How did I not know that story? I just knew…in general terms, you bonded over those things."

She laughs wryly, "It involves both of your parents having an emotional breakdown. You were too young to hear about that until now."

I laugh, "I guess so."

"He and Saki became friends at a festival when they were students." She nudges me softly, "So if you spend the day with someone at the festival this year…who knows?" She winks at me.

I roll my eyes as we get back to my friends hard at work. We distribute the water to them, and we take a little break.

Carsten says, "The booth is looking pretty good, right?"

I nod, "It is. Whatever we don't get done today, the rest of the class can do, so don't kill yourselves too much. Especially because you and Ai are working the booth too."

Of course, so are Akari and I, but that was to be expected. These two don't do a whole lot more than go to class. They aren't even in any clubs

Ai laughs, "I wouldn't be doing it for anyone but you, I hope you know."

"Oh, I know. You aren't exactly filled with school spirit. That makes it extra nice that you're helping."

She takes my hand and smiles up at me, "I just want you to know the kind of pain I'm willing to endure for you."

Akari laughs, "You m-make it sound like you're a martyr."

She giggles. "Aren't I?"

Carsten laughs, "It won't be that bad. You get to spend the day with your handsome boyfriend after all."

She smiles at him, "That's true."

They have been together more than a year now, but still really adore each other like a new couple. It's adorable.

After our break we work for about an hour before calling it a day. Akari and I are heading back to the dorms, and I'm lost in thought about all the festival stuff.

The booth is almost entirely constructed, and we completed about 80 percent of the painting too. I will have to make sure the rest gets done throughout the week, and I need to make sure we have people assigned to work it for the whole festival. And I have to make sure things get delivered. Okay, I still have a lot to do. Crap.

Akari notices my stressed face in the elevator and gives me a little hug. "I know it's a lot, but we'll get it d-done."

I smile down at her. "Yeah, you're right."

We walk down the hall and go in my room. I sit down on the bed and Akari sits down next to me and looks at my face.

"You still look really stressed."

"Yeah, well, not sure what I can do about that."

"Can I help?"

"You do help. A lot. But you aren't going to take all the stress away."

She thinks for a moment. "I could…give you a m-massage or something."

I turn and smile at her. "Well, I won't say no to that. But be careful, if you do it once I might expect it more."

She laughs, "We'll see. I'd have t-to be good at it."

She starts to move behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders and then takes them off. "Um…d-do I need to be careful about anything?"

"You should be okay. You won't be pulling or using enough force to cause any problems."

She puts her hands back on my shoulders and squeezes them in the middle. Her hands are small but surprisingly strong. Maybe from all that French horn? I can feel her fingers loosening up my neck and shoulder muscles.

"That feels…really nice."

"Good. You are v-very tense."

"Yes, but…this is helping."

She spends significant time on my neck and shoulders, and I already feel much more relaxed.

"D-do you want me to do your back too?"

"If it's going to feel as good as that did, yes please."

She giggles. "If you lay on your stomach, I can do that better."

I nod and lay down how she asks. She starts moving her fingers up and down my spine, pressing firmly. This feels so nice.

"You're amazing at this."

She laughs, "I'm g-glad. I don't have much experience."

"Good…instincts then."

She's relaxes me so much. I'm so comfortable. My body is becoming like jelly….

---

My alarm goes off. I wake up in a strange position. I never sleep on my stomach. Or in my uniform.

I roll over and the relaxed feeling in my neck and back remind me that Akari was giving me a nice massage. I guess I got so relaxed I fell asleep. That's more than a little embarrassing.

I will have to return the favor sometime. Of course, it is hard for me to give a great massage with how cautious I need to be with my fingers and wrists, but I'll do my best. Maybe I should use some sort of tool.

I really need to take a shower after getting sweaty during festival preparations and then falling asleep in my sweaty clothing. Hopefully Akari is still here so I can.

I go and knock on her door. She opens it with a smirk on her face. It makes me blush a little. I can't believe I fell asleep.

I scratch the back of my head and give her a bashful look. "So…guess I fell asleep mid-massage, huh?"

She giggles, "That m-means you were relaxed so that's okay."

"Yeah…thanks a lot. I need to take a shower, will you be here?"

She nods and I go about very carefully taking a shower. I haven't fallen in here since my first morning here, and I don't plan on changing that now. Especially with everything on my plate right now.

As I take a shower, I think about my best friend. She's the only reason I didn't have a panic attack my first morning here. She's the only reason I was able to handle breaking up with Hideki as well as I did. And now she gave me an amazing massage during a very stressful week. I do things for her too, though it does feel like lately she's done more for me than I've done for her. We really love each other, as we've recently begun to say. It's a nice feeling.

After my shower, I get ready for the day and me and Akari set out for our classroom.

When we get there, Ms. Hamada gives me permission to address the class about festival preparations. I secure a few volunteers who will finish the booth. As long as they stick to their word, I shouldn't need to worry about that anymore.

...

Band practice went late today. As has become tradition at Yamaku, we will be performing some of Saki's music at the festival. She is our most notable musical alumna, after all. Her best friend also happens to be our band teacher. I imagine as long as my aunt's here, this is what the Yamaku Festival concert will always be. Some of the songs are really complex though, and with the performance looming, we are spending some extra time on them. I had a good day in band. Hopefully I can translate that to the performance.

Afterwards, Akari comes up to the piano to meet me and asks, "D-do you have chess tonight?"

I groan. "I'm supposed to. But definitely too tired. I'll text him."

While I send a text to Koji, Akari smiles and says, "Well, more b-best friend time is nice."

I smile back at her. "Yeah, it is, isn't it? We've always been close but…I feel like we've gone up another level lately. Or is it just me?"

Akari giggles, "It's not just y-you. I feel the same."

"Good. I need to swing by the booth to see what's going on. But then we can grab something to eat."

When we get there, it looks like the construction was completed today. There are still some signs that need to be made, but there's plenty of time. And at least in a pinch, I could do those myself without getting hurt.

After that, Akari and I have dinner in the cafeteria. Once we sit down, we start chatting.

"H-how are you feeling about things today?"

"Pretty good." I smile at her. "Might still be your magical massage, but much more relaxed."

She laughs, "P-probably helps that the booth is progressing too. And you p-played really well today."

I pout at her. "Are you saying I didn't play well until today?"

"N-No! Just e-extra good today."

"I know, I'm just teasing. You did too of course. But I don't think you have off days."

She scoffs, "M-maybe not in band…b-but in life I have more off days than y-you…"

"Maybe. But you have fewer of those these days too."

She smiles, "Yeah, I guess s-so."

---

I'm in bed the night before the festival and I am surprisingly relaxed. Our booth is done, and I've been performing well in band practice. Akari just gave me another nice massage. I didn't fall asleep this time, but I'm definitely relaxed.

My grandparents and my mom will be coming to the festival to see our performance and I'm pretty excited about that. I really wish my dad could be there, especially for Saki's pieces. It would make me feel really proud to play them for him. Maybe they will both hear, wherever they are.

I have spent too much time in bed thinking, because now I need to use the restroom before I can sleep. I'm so cozy too. Oh well, it can't be helped. Nature calls, as they say.

On my way back from the restroom I hear a familiar faint sound coming from Akari's room. She's crying. I wish she would just come tell me when she's this upset, I really want to help her when I can. If I hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom I wouldn't even know.

I knock on the door, and she knows by now what that sounds like, so I get a quick "Come in."

When I do, I see what I thought I was hearing. Akari is crying into a pillow to muffle herself.

I get in bed with her and snuggle her from behind.

"Anything I can help with?"

"I'm…j-just really s-scared."

I stroke her hair a little. I found out recently it soothes her.

"What are you scared about?"

"Th-that t-tomorrow w-will be like last t-time."

I keep stroking her hair as I try to think about what she means. After about a minute I figure out.

"You're worried you'll have a panic attack?"

She nods.

"Well, this time I will be paying better attention. I was too late last time. But this time if you're in trouble, I will get you out of there, okay?"

"Okay…th-that makes me feel a little b-better. Thank you."

Her body noticeably relaxes.

"Good. Hey, in the future, when you're upset like this, please come and get me okay? I want to help you just like you help me."

"O-okay. I just knew you were stressed."

"Not after your massage." I laugh, "And even if I was, if I can ever help you, I want to, okay?"

She nods.

"Kayoko c-can you…stay with m-me tonight? I'm w-worried I will freak out again."

"Yeah, of course."

"I d-dunno if I can sleep. B-but it is more likely with you here."

"Hey, let me try something. My dad always did this for me when I couldn't sleep. It might help you."

I start stroking her back with my fingers, and every minute seems to make her more relaxed. Eventually I can tell from her breathing that she fell asleep.

I'm glad I was able to help her. Hopefully she gets a good night's sleep. It is pretty cozy in here next to her. I know I won't have any problem sleeping.

---

It's the day of the festival. I'm up a little early to make sure the delivery to our booth gets made. It's the last crucial thing that has to be done. I let Akari sleep in because she clearly needed it.

I'm at the booth now when I hear "Kayoko!"

I turn around to see Akari approaching me. She's wearing the headband I got her for her birthday.

I smile at her, "I'm happy to see you, but couldn't you have used some more sleep?"

She shakes her head before hugging me. "I slept r-really well. That thing you did was amazing. When I g-got up and saw you were gone I d-decided to come help."

"Thank you. Hopefully not too much help is needed. But your company's always really nice."

We wait a little while longer and eventually the delivery is made. Akari and I check to make sure we have everything, and it would appear we do. We start setting up the various cooking stations and hook the booth up to electricity so we can store things in a mini fridge.

By the time we're done, it's about 10 a.m. Carsten and Ai arrive around 11. Our performance is at 2:30, and Akari and I will come to work at the booth once that's over.

We decide to take a little rest in the grass, as our day is about to get very crazy. We both lay down on our backs with our heads almost touching and we look up at the sky. All around us is the sound of other booths being out together and set up. It's definitely the day of the festival.

"How are you feeling today?"

"S-still a little worried. But much better. Y-your family is coming, right?"

I smile, "Yeah, I'm really excited about that. My grandparents and my mom knew Saki, so I think it will be special for them. Especially for my grandparents, who knew her really well."

"Still k-kind crazy to me your whole family knew her."

I laugh, "Yeah…now that we are doing this performance, it does feel more special to me. It's kind of hard in some ways. I feel like I knew her…she's always been part of my life. Part of me, even. But in some ways, it makes it even sadder that I never knew her."

Akari rolls over on her stomach, "Yeah. I c-can see that. She is k-kinda like a third parent to you."

"...you're gonna have to walk me through that one."

Akari giggles, "She wasn't really a p-parent. But…even though you n-never knew her…I think the only p-people who shaped you more than her are your parents."

"Huh. Yeah. I guess that's true. Plus there's the influence she had on my dad. It is…kinda nice to think of her as a parent…of sorts. I wonder…whether that's what my parents intended."

"What d-do you mean?"

"Well, they always made sure I knew about her. Talked about her like family. I'll have to ask my mom sometime."

Suddenly I hear the sound of rapidly rotating wheels, and before I know it, Ai is above me and looking down.

"What are you two doing? Taking a nap? Soooo lazy."

I giggle, "We were just resting a bit until you got here."

I get up and see Carsten already doing things in the booth. We go over to him.

"I think we got everything set up. How's it look to you?"

"Good as far as I can tell. Time to start preparing stuff. Ready, Ai?"

She sighs, "Yes." She starts rapidly repeating a mantra of "I'm doing this for Kayoko" as she slowly wheels herself into position to help Carsten. It makes me and Akari giggle.

"Others should be here in about an hour so that you have help when things get started. Call me if they don't show up. We're going to go see if the band needs us to do anything."

After that, we help the band move some of the equipment to the outdoor stage where we will be performing. Well, I was there mostly for moral support, as there wasn't much I could safely do other than hold doors open.

...

Before we know it, it is 30 minutes before the performance and we're about to head out on the stage.

My aunt comes up to me with a big smile on her face and hugs me. "I'm so happy you're going to get to do this. I wish your dad was here."

"Me too. More than…just about anything. But his parents are, which is pretty nice."

She breaks the hug and is a little misty-eyed. "Yeah, they are pretty great. I always liked them, but getting to know them even better since they moved here has been wonderful."

"It has. I should go say hi to them. Do you want to come?"

She sighs dejectedly. "Nah…I have this whole…band thing I'm supposed to tend to."

I laugh, "How responsible."

I find Akari and we both go and say hello to my family.

At this point they are just as happy to see her as they are to see me. That could make me jealous I guess, but I mostly like seeing her so comfortable with them. There are hugs all around.

When my grandpa hugs me, he whispers, "I know your dad's watching. We're very proud of you."

I hug him a little tighter. Partly because what he said is so nice and partly because if I don't redirect my energy somehow it is going to come out as tears, and I don't really want to look like I was just crying when I'm out on the stage.

By the time we get back it's almost time to begin.

I hug Akari before we do and I say, "I'll come find you right after, okay?"

She nods. "S-see you soon. I know you'll d-do great."

We then head to our respective places in the band. Playing piano can feel kind of lonely. After all, I'm off on my own while everyone else is seated next to somebody. But it sort of reflects my role too, at least for this performance. Because of the piano's range, I'm sort of like my own orchestra within the orchestra. So, it makes sense we're separate. I compliment what the entire orchestra is doing all on my own, which is pretty cool. Of course, it also makes it much more noticeable if I screw up.

We're only playing four songs today, all of them Saki's. One of them has a particularly challenging passage because it has big chords and octave leaps. My hands are big, especially for a girl, but they aren't Hideki's. That makes it challenging. I've been nailing them in practice lately, and I hope I can do that tonight.

...

As we're playing through the program, I think about how amazing it is that we are reproducing something Saki wrote, even so long after she has been gone. It really is incredible that she did all this before she was 28. I may not have a fatal condition like she did, but I will get increasingly bad arthritis in my joints. I won't be able to play as long as most people. Certainly not past 30. Maybe not past 25. If I want to keep doing music, moving into composition might make sense for me too.

It's time for the last piece, the one that's the most challenging. I'm going to have to focus entirely on it, or I won't be able to do it.

…

We just finished and I played perfectly. The audience is applauding. My aunt is smiling at me. I can't revel for too long though because I need to make sure Akari isn't being mobbed. It isn't very likely because she didn't have a solo today, but you never know. I locate her, and luckily, she's still just sitting and no one is trying to surround her. I still need to go be by her side just in case, though.

I make my way down to her and squeeze her shoulder. She smiles at me, "You did r-really good."

"Thanks. I felt good. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. No people trying to t-talk to me. Do we need to do the booth now?"

I nod, "Soon. We should go see my family again and say goodbye I guess."

Luckily things are uneventful. My family congratulates us and we head to the booth. We were supposed to relieve Carsten and Ai, but they decide to stay, and our other two classmates leave. Now it's just me and my friends running the booth and it's surprisingly fun thanks to the company. I deal with customers while the other three prepare the gyoza and tempura. Eventually, the main rush dies down.

"Carsten, Ai, you guys are crazy staying this long. Thank you."

Ai says, "I know. I'm exhausted. But…it was actually pretty fun. Especially once you two came."

Carsten nods, "I am going to smell like oil for the rest of my life, but it was a good time."

We all giggle. "Well, you two can go now. We can finish up."

They both look very relieved, but they have been here for almost 8 hours, so who can blame them?

...

About an hour later, business has really died down, and we are out of almost everything. We had good business today, which will make the student council happy.

"I think we can close up. The fireworks will be soon."

Akari nods, "S-sounds good to me. Where do you want to w-watch?"

"I think I have a good idea."

We finish closing and then I take Akari's hand and say, "Stay close. We have to go pretty far to get the best spot to watch them."

She gets a little worried, which makes me feel bad for my joke. But she won't be worried for long.

We walk about 10 meters to the spot where we rested together this morning before everything I got hectic. I let go of her hand and I lay down on my back. She giggles and does the same.

Once the fireworks start, we mostly stay silent apart from exclamations of wonder. It's really nice being with Akari. Everything just seems…better with her. And that is certainly true of these fireworks.

Once it's over, we pull our exhausted bodies up off the ground, and head back to the dorms.

We're riding up on the elevator now.

"That was a really nice festival. It was busy and a little stressful, but I think I will remember it being a really good time more than anything."

Akari smiles, "Yeah, w-we got to hang out all day. That's always nice."

When we get to our rooms we go our separate ways, both too exhausted to do anything but get to bed. As I do, I notice I have a text message from a number that isn't in my phone.

It says, "Hey, I just saw the video of the performance today, you did great! I don't think the band is missing me at all right now."

It's obviously Hideki. I brace myself for a sobbing fit or a fit of rage. Some kind of fit. But none comes. I don't really feel anything, other than pride because of a friend and fellow pianist congratulating me. I smile at the fact that my feelings for him have finally dissipated. They are nothing but an echo now. An echo that I can smile about without getting upset. We had a good relationship while it could last. I don't regret it.

"Hey, thanks! It went really well. I hope things are going well for you, piano and otherwise."

After that, I put my phone down and fall asleep almost instantly.

---

I wake up a little late the next morning. I didn't set an alarm because I really needed extra sleep. I also really need a shower. Akari might still be asleep, so I'll text her instead of banging on her door.

"Good morning. Let me know when you're up. I need to shower."

About 10 minutes later she texts me that she's awake, so I head to the bathroom for my shower.

…

I'm getting out after my shower. As I'm stepping out onto the floor, my foot touches down on something that feels unfamiliar, and I roll my ankle. There's a flash of pain as my left ankle dislocates. My foot goes out from under me, and I fall on my left side onto the floor in front of the shower. When my left knee hits the ground along with my body weight, I feel it leave its socket too. The pain from that is especially excruciating. The pained grunt that comes out of my mouth sounds unlike any sound I've ever made before.

"Hrrnff!"

This...might be the worst pain I've ever been in. I can't believe I hurt myself like this. At least it's the day after the festival…but still. What even happened? Everything was in place. I was careful. What did I even step on? I feel around with my hand, and I realize that the bathmats and floor are drenched with water. There must be a leak. Too bad another less fragile girl didn't discover it first. Tears start welling up inside of me as my pain and frustration grow.

I need to act though, and not just cry. I need to get to the nurse. I'm not going to be able to get up. Luckily, someone is standing by for this kind of thing.

At the top of my lungs, I scream "AKARI!"

Before I have even finished saying her name, she is in the bathroom. When she looks at me with very concerned eyes, I am suddenly very aware of how naked I am. And how naked she is. She must have been changing and rushed in here because she only has on her panties.

She comes to my side and says, "What d-did you hurt?"

"Ankle...knee"

She puts a hand on my shoulder, and it soothes me a little. "Do you think I can help you up?"

I shake my head.

"Floor…too…wet. You…small."

She smirks at me, "Glad you can make fun of my size right now. I'm going to go grab my phone and call the emergency n-number."

She's back in seconds and reports that they are on their way. She has a top from my room too. I'm laying on my side, so it takes some doing, but she manages to get it on me.

"You…clothes?"

She looks down at herself and giggles, "I kind of f-forgot. Be right back."

She comes back in while pulling her shirt over her head.

She comes and lays down behind me and strokes my back the way my dad used to. It really helps me. She must be getting soaking wet, but she knows this will help keep me calm in an otherwise tense situation. She's so good to me.

I don't know if the blinding pain has made me delirious, but I…think maybe I feel something for Akari. Something…more than just our close friendship.

Just as I am pondering my feelings, there is a knock on the door. Akari gets up and does her best to put a towel around my waist and says, "Come in!"

The head nurse and two men with a stretcher come into the bathroom.

The nurse approaches me and kneels next to me, "It is your ankle and knee on your left leg, right?"

I nod, "Okay. I think we'll get you to the medical building before we fix them."

I nod again. I notice Akari is gone, but she comes back with the pink sheet from her bed. She kneels next to the nurse and whispers, "She d-doesn't have bottoms on. So, I thought we could use this before you m-move her."

I smile at Akari. Or...at least I try to. It probably looks more like I'm gritting my teeth right now. Even in the pain I'm in, I was a little embarrassed about the situation. But this should help. They tie it around my waist like a skirt, and then I lay down before they gently pick me up and put me on the stretcher.

In the time it took them to do that, Akari has fully clothed herself, and she reappears. I reach out for her hand. She gives it to me. Even holding her hand is comforting. "Th-thank you…"

She smiles, "Of course. I'll b-be with you the whole way. I'm calling your mom."

I nod.

As they carry me to the medical building Akari continues to hold my hand as she talks to my mom.

As I watch her, I start to realize the feeling from earlier wasn't some sort of delirium. This is how I feel. And I think I've felt this way for a little while. But the pieces only just fell into place.

I start to cry. And it isn't from the pain.

[guthrum06]

Once we're at the medical building, Akari holds my hand as my ankle and knee are put back in their socket. It was probably the least painful this sort of thing has ever been because I am very distracted.

Is this really how I feel?

I hear Akari let out a pained grunt. I guess I must still have had a lot of pain if I squeezed her hand that hard, but somehow I didn't feel it conciously.

"Sorry."

She shakes her hand, "It's okay. It's p-probably only a fraction of what you felt, right?"

She's...my best friend.

I nod. "Probably."

The nurse sits down next to the hospital bed with a grim look on her face. "You're going to have to use a wheelchair again. Probably for two weeks or so. Hopefully we can do crutches or a cane after that. The swelling on your knee is going to be bad, so it will probably be at least a month before you're back to full speed. "

I nod.

After the nurse leaves Akari and I sit silently for a while she helps me ice my knee and ankle.

After about 20 minutes of uncharacteristic silence between us, Akari puts her hand on my shoulder and says, "Maybe this is a s-silly question right now…b-but are you okay?"

No. I'm not.

I lie. "Yeah, just bummed out about this."

She nods, "Your m-mom should be here soon. Do you want to be at home or Yamaku?"

"Home."

"Okay, I'll g-go with you."

"Actually, can you stay here?"

She looks disappointed, "You…d-don't want me to c-come?"

I give her a fake smile, "Nah. Some alone time with my mom sounds kind of nice. If I'm still down there tomorrow you can come."

She looks a little hurt, but she seems to buy my explanation. I don't like how much I lied during this conversation. But I need to get away from her and think about some things.

...

Once we're home, my mom collapses on the couch in exhaustion after having to unload the wheelchair on her own.

"Sorry you had to do that."

"It's fine. But it does seem to be getting harder. I guess aging really is a thing, huh?"

I laugh softly, "Guess so."

My mom sits up and looks at me, "Are you okay? I mean, I know you have an awful injury and how it happened was no fun…but there's something else bothering you, isn't there?"

She knows me well enough to figure that out, of course. I'm glad she did...because I think I need her help.

I sigh and put my hand to my forehead, "I realized something today…and I think it's really bad."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yeah…it's the main reason I wanted to come here. And without Akari."

"Oh…it's about her?"

"Yeah."

"Did you two have another fight?"

"No."

"Well, is she doing okay?"

"Yes, mom just…give me a second. I'll tell you. It's…really hard for me to say."

I take a deep breath.

Maybe I shouldn't say this out loud. Hell, I haven't even thought it yet, not in these exact words. Maybe if I don't it will go away. But I'm kidding myself. I can tell that it won't. It's too strong. Too deep. It's overwhelming me from the inside. It's like there was a dam holding these feelings in place, but now it's been broken and they are spilling out everywhere. If I don't say something I'm going to drown. I need to tell my mom. She'll be able to help me decide what to do.

I bite the bullet and say the words that I'm feeling.

"I love her."

"Of course you do. She's your best friend. More than a friend, really…"

I lock eyes with my mom. "No, mom. I love her."

My mom's confused expression slowly turns into one of surprise and then to one of concern. She moves closer to me and takes my hand.

"When did this happen?"

I sigh, "I don't know. All the pieces came together today but…I've been feeling different about her for a month probably. I've felt…extra close to her and have been cherishing all our time together. I just didn't realize it was…romantic until today."

I start to cry as I feel the weight of my dilemma and fear for what it might mean. "I d-don't know what to d-do about it, mom…she's m-my best friend…"

My mom rubs my shoulder and gently says, "Does she like girls?"

I sniffle, "Not…that I know of. I…didn't know I did."

My mom hugs me and says, "I think you should tell her."

"What?! How? Want me to just walk up to her and say, 'Oh hey Akari, we've been best friends for a year and a half. Turns out I'm in love with you. What do you think about that?'"

"I'm sorry sweetie, I know this is different in some ways. But listen, you are close friends. The closest, really. It isn't unlike me and your dad, okay? It doesn't matter that you're both girls-"

I interrupt her and snap, "Really? Because I think that might matter to Akari."

"I know, sweetie. You're right, but she would understand because of the bond you two have. If she doesn't feel the same way about you, it will hurt, but I don't think she'd choose to give up on the friendship. I don't think you would either. When I confessed to your father, that is part of what gave me the courage to do it. If I thought there was a real risk our friendship would be completely destroyed, I probably never would have done it. But I knew we cared enough about one another that we would find a way to remain friends, no matter what. I think that's true for you two."

"Yeah…I guess so."

"Look, I guess I'm a little out of my element here, so if you don't want to trust my advice, I guess I don't blame you. Have you talked to Daisuke about this?"

"No. You're the first person I said this out loud to."

"Well, you have my advice now. If you want it from someone who might understand the other part of it, you should talk to him."

I nod, "Yeah…that's a good idea." I sigh. "I just..I wish I didn't feel this way. It complicates things so much."

"When your aunt made me realize I loved your father…that was my first instinct. To wish I didn't feel that way, so things could just go back to how they were. He was my best friend. I was worried these feelings were going to ruin that."

I nod, "Yeah, that's how I feel now."

She smiles at me. "Well…you know how things ended up with me and your father. Again, I know this isn't the same. She…she may not be capable of feeling the same for you. But there is a chance…and I don't think the risk of telling her is that high because of your strong friendship."

"Yeah…that's true. That does make it feel less…weighty. We won't lose our friendship."

My mom nods and smiles at me.

"Okay. I'm going to call Daisuke and see what he says. But I think...I think I have to tell her. It might hurt to get rejected, but not telling her is already eating me up. Maybe Daisuke has some advice on the specifics…I wonder if he has confessed to someone who he wasn't sure was attracted to…people of the same sex?"

My mother smiles, "I know it isn't exactly the same…but when you confessed to Daisuke, there were some similarities, weren't there? He isn't attracted to people of your gender and Akari might not be either, right?"

"That's true. But I didn't know that was true about Daisuke at the time."

She nods, "Well, you don't know for sure if Akari isn't attracted to girls, right? I know it's different. I'm just saying that the situation with Daisuke ended up working out well, all things considered. Because you were such close friends. You two even became closer after that, didn't you?"

I nod, thank my mom, and then go to my bedroom and call Daisuke.

"Hey Kayoko, how are things at Yamaku?"

"Hi Daisuke, they are…interesting. How's college?"

"Good, loving it so far. What makes things 'interesting' for you?"

"Well. I'm in love with Akari."

"You're…what!?"

I laugh wryly, "Even you're surprised, huh?"

"Well, yeah…a little. I knew you were close, but…"

"Yeah, I only entirely figured it out today. But I am 100 percent sure of it."

"So…you're gay?"

"Well, no…I like guys too. I haven't really thought of how to label myself. It is pretty far down my list of concerns right now."

"...right, sorry. So…you're going to confess to Akari?"

"Yeah…I was just wondering…did you ever confess to someone where you were unsure of their…orientation?"

There's a moment of silence. "I did. But I don't know if hearing about it will help you."

"Went that bad, huh? I guess I want to hear it anyway."

"It was…pretty bad, yeah. He was the first friend I made at Yamaku. After about a month I realized I liked him, so I told him. He freaked out and never spoke to me again."

"Great. Just what I needed to hear."

He laughs, "That won't happen here, though. You two haven't just been friends for a month. But…I guess I would say…prepare yourself for the very real possibility of rejection."

I sigh, "Yeah. I think rejection is basically my expectation now. But I have to tell her."

"Well, good luck. I hope it goes well."

"Okay well, thanks for the talk. Tell Kaito I said hi."

...

When I get into bed for the night, I text Akari,

"Doing well down here. I miss you. I will be back tomorrow after band. What are your plans?"

She quickly replies, "I miss you too. No plans."

"Okay cool. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow evening."

She replies, "Yeah, me too. "

---

My mom is driving me up the hill to Yamaku. I can feel my heart pounding in my throat. I'm going to confess to Akari. That sentence would have sounded so strange to me a month ago…but now it is the most natural thing in the world to me. It's something I feel like I must do. These have certainly been an eventful few days.

My mom gets the wheelchair out for me after a struggle, and I get in.

She bends over and kisses me on the head while she's still out of breath, "Good luck sweetie. I'm cheering for you."

I take her hand and squeeze it. "Thanks, mom. For all your help with this."

I make my way up to my dorm room in my wheelchair, I'm just about to open my door. I don't know if Akari will be here already. My question is quickly answered when I hear her door open.

She hugs me and says, "Hey, welcome back."

I hug her back more tightly than I normally do. Hugs with her are always nice. She smells good. Like lavender. Her hair is a little wet. She must have just showered. This contact only makes me want to confess to her more. I'm just going to get to the point.

When we break our hug I say, "Can you come in here with me? I have something I need to talk to you about."

She gets a concerned look on her face and then follows me into my room.

She closes the door behind her, and I invite her to sit on my bed in front of me. She still looks worried. I guess she doesn't have any idea what to expect. I think it's safe to say I'm about to surprise her.

I look her in the eyes and say, "This is…k-kind of big. And I just want to say, no matter how you respond to this, I still want us to be friends okay?"

Akari looks very worried now. "Y-you're really scaring me…but it would take a lot for us to stop being friends…"

I nod and try to psyche myself up. The worst-case scenario is that she is weirded out, and it will strain our friendship for a little while. I'll hurt but it'll pass, like with Daisuke. The best-case scenario is that she…feels the same and wants to be with me. The likelihood of that second scenario is…low, but like my mom and Daisuke said…the risk isn't that high either. This is worth it.

"I…I…I…"

I'm so nervous I can't even form words. Just like when I'm around anyone else I like.

She puts a hand on my shoulder. I wonder what she thinks I'm about to say. There's no way she could guess.

She looks very concerned when she says, "It's okay Kayoko, whatever it is t-take your time, okay?"

She makes me feel so much more comfortable. She always has, really. She's helped me in so many hard situations.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, then I say, "I'm in love with you, Akari."

In a voice expressing her complete shock, she says, "Wh-what?!"

Not exactly the response I was hoping for. But just telling her has already made me feel a little better. We can just move past this now.

I open my eyes and see that she is on the verge of tears.

I say, "Hey, th-that's okay, Akari. Don't cry. I'm going to be okay. I knew this was a long shot."

"Y-you like girls!?"

Does she have to say it so incredulously?

I shrug, "You're the first one I've liked. But look, let's just…move past this. Things will be a little weird for a bit, but…I've kinda been through this before with Daisuke. So, I know we'll b-"

Akari leans forward and puts her lips on mine. My heart starts beating very fast. Kissing her is different than kissing a guy. She's gentler. Even more gentle than Hideki. Her skin and lips are so soft. And she smells so good. I can't believe this is happening, but it feels great. When she leans back to break the kiss, I see she has a few tears running down her face, but there's a big smile too. She holds my hand.

"I've…I've been in love with you for…quite a while, K-kayoko. Since your first morning here, I think. When I helped you after you fell…"

She hugged me and helped me avoid having a panic attack.

"I d-didn't know if that's what it was at first…but I figured it out when Hideki left. That is when I really knew. I hurt for you so much, and it was more than just normal empathy for a best friend. I was…r-really feeling your p-pain. I w-was willing to do anything to help you stop hurting. Th-that's when I knew…" She squeezes my hand. "I l-loved you."

She was amazing to me at the time, and I knew that she ached for me. She cried any time I did. But she's right…the amount it affected her…it wasn't that much less than it affected me. And we slept together a lot for awhile there. That whole time…she was in love with me. Sleeping next to me. That sounds so hard.

She continues as tears trickle slowly down her cheeks, "But I thought you c-couldn't feel the same…so I knew nothing could happen." She smiles really big and says, "I…I n-never thought this would happen, Kayoko."

This time I pull her to me and kiss her, a little longer this time. She puts her hands on my shoulders, while mine are around her back. These kisses have both been romantic and wonderful, but also tentative. Sort of exploratory. This is very new ground for us, and I think we are both taking it very slow. I realize I have to tell her something, so I break the kiss this time.

I put my hand on her cheek, and she puts her hand on top of mine. "You've really loved me for so long? That must have been really hard."

"It was s-sometimes. But you're my b-best friend. I knew you loved me and cared for me deeply, even if it wasn't exactly the same kind of love. We share everything with each other. We have a v-very deep bond. You've always been there for me. We've helped each other through so many things…so that was enough for me."

I have a few tears of my own now. That sounds so…painful.

"I don't know how you did that. I'm…so sorry. I've only been holding in for two days, and it was way too much for me. Did you have anyone to talk to about it? All that time?"

She nods, "Ai knows. No one else. She…thought I should tell you a while back but I was too s-scared. It was right after Hideki too… then I w-was with Michi…so…"

"Well…I'm glad you had someone to talk to about it with. I guess Ai will be happy about this?"

She laughs and says, "Probably."

"I am just as surprised as you were about me.  I didn't think you liked girls. I thought this was probably impossible too…I just had to tell you."

She smiles, "I have always been attracted to some girls. Before you, though just…celebrities and manga characters and stuff. No one I actually knew. You're the only g-girl I've had feelings for." She pauses for a moment and then smiles before saying, "Can we g-get in bed together?"

My heart jumps into my throat. This is all so new to me and I'm very nervous, even if a big part of me wants to do exactly that right now.

"I don't…know if I'm ready for that yet."

Akari's eyes get wide, and she giggles. "I didn't mean for that." She blushes. "Though…I think that would be pretty n-nice…sometime in the future. I'm d-definitely not ready for that yet either. But I just wanted to lay t-together. I've always liked laying with you…so it will be nice to do for the first time as..." She smiles from ear to ear. "...your girlfriend."

I smile back, "That does sound really nice. Can you help me?"

She smiles at me and says, "Of course."

I move my wheelchair so it is parallel with the bed, and lower the arm rests. I lift myself up on my one good leg, and Akari helps me balance as I transition to the bed.

I scoot myself against the wall and lay on my back. It's really my only option with the way my leg is right now. Akari climbs into the bed next to me. She gets on her side and lays her head on the pillow and wraps her arms around my waist. I put my arm around her so it's over her shoulders and around her back. It feels so nice to be close with her like this. It always has. She has comforted me by snuggling with me many times. But now…it's a special kind of intimate.

She is smiling beautifully up at me when she asks, "When d-did you know?"

"Know what? …when I loved you?"

She nods.

"Well, I felt my feelings getting more intense lately. But like you said about your feelings…I didn't realize it was romantic love at first. But um…then, the other day..." I trail off and feel my cheeks flush.

Akari giggles. "S-seriously? Us being naked together is what did it, huh?"

My cheeks are burning now. "Is that bad? I just…I noticed I was really attracted to you when I…saw you. Even when I was in pain. That was the missing piece I needed to figure it out. But…it wasn't just that. I've known you really care about me for a long time, but seeing how you took care of me really reinforced that. So, it was more than just the…naked part."

Akari scoots herself up a little and plants a soft kiss on my lips. "Well, I'm g-glad it was more than just liking how I looked. But I guess I am also glad you liked what you s-saw."

I smirk, "You're teasing me about this, but a minute ago you said you started to feel something my first morning here. Was I or was I not wearing only a towel when you helped me that day?"

Akari blushes, "You…were."

I laugh, "See, it's not so different."

"F-fine, you're right." She pauses. "Hey, this is why y-you didn't want me at your mom's isn't it?"

"Yeah. I had to talk to her about it all."

"So she knows?"

"She does. She told me to go for it. Compared us to her and my dad."

Akari smiles, "That's sweet. I'm g-glad she approves."

She adds. "Hey, c-can we sleep together tonight?" She giggles. "I um…m-mean that in the not sex way, again. I've always really liked falling asleep with you. But tonight will b-be a little different, I think." She smirks.

"Yeah. I'd like that a lot. I'll need to change." I sit up.

Akari says, "Do you want me to help you get undressed?"

I swallow so loud I think there was an audible 'gulp' sound.

"Yeah. Um…I guess it would be nice to not have to get up again with my leg like this. I'll just wear a T- shirt and some underwear. Y-you know where those are."

She nods and gets up and goes to my closet before coming back.

She grabs the bottom of my top and I put my arms up. She pulls it over my head. She smiles at me and doesn't shy away from looking at my body a little. It makes me feel really sexy. Part of me wants to throw my bra across the room, rip off her shirt and make out with her. But the more cautious part of me wins out.

I put on the shirt she gave me and take off my bra.

She helps me out of my skirt and turns around when I take off my underwear and put on clean ones.

She gathers up the dirty clothes and puts them in my hamper.

She smiles and says, "I'll be right back."

I'm in bed waiting for my girlfriend - Akari - to come get in bed with me for the night. This should feel kind of insane. But…it really doesn't. It feels right. Like maybe we should have been like this for a long time.

She comes back wearing her bright pink pajamas and I smile at her.

She laughs, "I know, not quite as sexy as what you went with. B-but they are very comfy."

I laugh, "Is what I'm wearing really that sexy?"

She turns off the light and climbs under the covers with me.

"Um…yeah, d-definitely. You barely have anything on."

"Should I put on more?"

"No, no, no. I l-like it like this."

She wraps her arms around my lower ribs, tantalizingly close to the bottom of my breasts.

She sighs happily as she snuggles further into me. "Is this real? I k-kind of can't believe it is."

"It is hard for me to believe too. But…at the same time… natural."

She sits up a bit and puts a hand on the upper part of my ribs, under my collarbone. This time tantalizingly close to the top of my breasts.

Is she doing this on purpose?

She kisses me on the lips again, this time a little more firmly. I wrap my arm around her and pull her a little closer. Then we break the kiss, she smiles at me, and we go back to cuddling.

"It feels r-right to me too. I love you, Kayoko. I n-never…thought I'd tell you those words. Not with this meaning…anyway. I'm really…so happy about this."

I grab her hand and lace my fingers with hers. My hand is so much bigger. This is my first time being with someone smaller than me, and she's a lot smaller. It's kind of nice.

"I love you too. See you in the morning."

I drift off to sleep happier than I've ever been, with my girlfriend, who also happens to be my best friend in the world, blissfully snuggled into my side.