Yamaku: The Next Generation (COMPLETE!)

[guthrum06]

INTRODUCTION
This is a coming of age story that follows Emi and Hisao's daughter during her three years at Yamaku. In her time there, she makes friends, finds love, and struggles to find her way in life, while also dealing with the challenges presented by her physical disability. The story is told entirely from her perspective.

This is in the same continuity as my other story, Learning to Run. In that timeline, Hisao ends up with Saki Enomoto, who passes away at age 28 as a result of her condition. Some years later, Hisao takes a job at Yamaku and runs into Emi, and they help one another cope with their grief and fear of loss, while also falling in love. While you don't have to read that for this story to make sense, I do recommend it, as you'll become very familiar with Kayoko's parents if you do.

Table of Contents:

YEAR ONE

Chapter 1 (This Post)
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 0
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20

YEAR TWO

Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27 Part 1 & Part 2
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41

YEAR THREE
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50 - Part 1 and Part 2
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60

Epilogue: Ten Years Later

---

Chapter 1

"Are you sure you have everything you need, Kayoko?"

"Yes, mom, for the fifth time I've got everything I'll need today in my bag. I've quadruple-checked. I'm not going to check a fifth time."

My 58-year-old mother sticks her tongue out at me in response. My mom is a little bit childish and sometimes it annoys me. But most of the time, it just makes me shake my head.

"You're going to feel silly now if you end up needing something you left behind. If you call me and ask me to get something for you, I'm really going to hold it over you forever."

I roll my eyes at her, "Well, I think I'm willing to take that risk. Can we please just get going?"

It's my first day of high school and we are about to head out the door. I'm a little nervous about this, but probably a lot less nervous than most of my classmates. My parents have worked at this school my entire life, so I've spent a lot of time there. It's a place that both of my parents love, and I've grown to like it quite a lot too. Although, this will be my first time on campus as a student.

Yamaku is a school for the disabled. I have a condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) that makes my joints so hypermobile that I regularly hurt them by dislocating them. This can happen when I'm doing normal, everyday things. It hurts like hell when it happens. I wear braces on all of my major joints to hold them in place a little better than my body can do on its own.

While I've dislocated my fingers, toes, wrists, knees and shoulder over the years, my ankles and elbows are the most common culprits. If I dislocate my elbow, I usually have to wear a sling for a while. If it is my ankle, I need a cane, or a wheelchair if it's bad enough. This can last from about two weeks to a month.

Physical therapy has allowed me to reduce the chances of hurting myself. I have found ways to move that put the smallest amount of stress on my joints. I haven't dislocated anything in a couple of months and I'm happy that on my first day of school I don't have to have any extra orthotics or mobility aids. I feel a little vain for being so happy about that, especially because I will have many classmates who don't ever have that option. But my classmates will inevitably see that I need those things too.

My father passed away about nine months ago. He had a heart condition that suddenly took his life. Actually, both of my parents are disabled. My mom is a below-the-knee amputee. This may all sound like a strange coincidence, but it is less crazy than it sounds because they aren't my biological parents and they met at the very same school for the disabled that I'll be going to. They adopted me when I was still a baby specifically because they wanted to help a disabled child through life. The older I get, the more impressed I am that they chose to do something like that. They have been amazing parents. I am close with my mom, and I was just as close with my dad.

Losing him has been tough. I really miss him. If he hadn't passed away, he would be one of my teachers and I was looking forward to that. That makes today a little bit harder.

We're in the car now, driving up the hill that Yamaku sits on top of. It's close enough to our house that most people would be able to walk, but walking up and down a hill for me is an unnecessary risk, so my mom drives me. It works out because she's going to work anyway.

My mom smiles at me while she drives. "You first day at Yamaku really brings me back. I hope you like it as much as me and your dad did."

I smile at her. "I think I will. I'm excited. You and dad always talk so much about how you loved it when you were students."

"Are you sure you don't want to live in the dorms? I think you still have time to change your mind."

Before we lost dad, I was going to live in the dorms to get the full Yamaku experience. My parents encouraged this too even though we live so close to the school. However, after losing my dad, I didn't want to leave my mom all alone in the house. She has taken losing him even harder than me. For the first week after he passed away, it isn't an exaggeration to say she was completely hysterical. I had to go stay with my grandma because she couldn't take care of herself, much less me. It was heartbreaking. I wasn't sure she'd ever come out of it. But she did, and she's been doing quite well the last few months. Still, I can't imagine leaving her alone in the house is what I should do right now. I didn't tell her that's why I don't want to live in the dorms, though.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I think it will ease my transition a bit if I just stay at home. Maybe next trimester I'll do the dorms."

My mom looks at me suspiciously. I wonder if she knows the real reason I made this decision? If she does, she doesn't let on.

She nods. "Okay. Yeah, you should try to live in them at some point. I think you'll have a lot of fun if you do."

"Yeah, me too. I'll do it. I promise."

My mom parks the car. "Okay. Here we are, my little high school girl!" She pauses for a moment. "The fact you're in high school now is making me feel old.

58 is pretty old. Although, she somehow looks like she's 40 at the very oldest. Her mom is in her 80s now and looks like she's 60. Too bad I'm not her biological daughter, otherwise I might have inherited that trait.

In most ways, it is clear my mother and I aren't biologically related. She is one of the smallest adults I've ever known. She is not only quite short, but very petite. I am quite tall for a woman and have a curvy figure, at least compared to hers. I am probably 25 centimeters taller than her, and I probably outweigh her by 20 kilograms. I may not be done growing either. She has light brown hair, mine is jet black. She has bright green eyes, mine are dark brown. When dad was around it was a little more believable that I could be their kid, as he had the same color eyes, darker hair, and was average-sized. If you just saw me and my mom together, I can't imagine anyone's first assumption would be that we are mother and daughter. But that's okay. She's my mom in every way that matters.

"Well…you are kind of old, mom."

She winces, "I guess I am getting up there, huh? Well, anyway. You know where to find your old mother if you need anything."

I nod, "Yeah, thanks mom. I'll see you this afternoon."

Before I can get out of the car, my mom reaches across the car and hugs me. I'm thankful she's doing this when we aren't out in the open because it would be embarrassing. She probably thought about that.

She has a couple of tears on her face. "Have a great first day sweetie. Your…dad would have loved to see this."

"Yeah, I wish he could have. Maybe he can? Who knows. Either way…I'm glad to be following in his footsteps. And yours."

My mother nods and then sniffles a couple of times before releasing me. Then we get out of the car and go our separate ways.

My mom is the head physical therapist, so she spends most of her time in the campus's new medical building which was just built a few years ago. I'll mostly be in the school building. I do have my physical therapy there later today, though.

As I set out for my classroom, I hear someone call my name.

"Hey, Kayoko!"

I look around, unsure where it's coming from. There are many students milling about so it's hard to tell. Eventually, the source of the voice comes closer to me. It's my friend Daisuke. He's two years older than me and in his last year at Yamaku. Our parents are best friends, so we've known each other our entire lives. He doesn't have a disability, but his parents met here just like mine did. They recently moved back to the area and they wanted him to go to their alma mater.

The moment I see him, I feel my face flush. We've been around him and his parents a lot the last several months, they've really helped us in the wake of dad's passing. So, I've spent a lot of time with Daisuke recently, and about a month ago I realized I have a serious crush on him. He's the first boy I've ever liked. He's always been really nice to me and he's really handsome. In fact, he's basically what you think of when you hear the phrase, "Tall, dark, and handsome." At least, he's who I think of any time I hear someone say that. Since I've noticed I have a crush on him, I've had a much harder time talking to him.

He comes up to me and we continue walking together towards the school building.

"H-hey, Daisuke. How are you?"

"I'm good. Excited for your first day?"

I nod. "H-have any tips?

He shrugs, "Not really. The first day is pretty chill though. Lots of introductions and not much else."

"Th-that's good."

He looks at me, "You're really nervous about this first day, huh? I've never heard you be this soft spoken."

Ugh, why am I so obvious about this? At least he doesn't know why.

"Y-yeah. I'm nervous."

He walks around me and faces me, so I stop walking too. He puts a hand on my shoulder and flashes me his amazing smile, and I feel my heart skip a beat.

"It'll be fine, okay? I promise."

"Y-yeah. Thanks, Daisuke."

We're at the school building now and we go to our separate classrooms. I'm relieved to get myself away from him. But also sad about it at the same time. Crushes are weird.

I feel quite comfortable once I'm in the classroom. I've always liked school, something I got from my father, I think. While my mom loved Yamaku, she was more of a jock who got the most enjoyment out of track club. My dad got me really interested in learning and I'm especially fond of the subject he taught – science. I sit in the front seat closest to the door. Partly because I'm a nerd and partly because the seat will be convenient whenever I inevitably need a wheelchair or crutches.

When I walk in, only a few of my other classmates have arrived. I'm in class 1-3. Class 1-1 is for visually impaired students, class 1-2 is for hearing impaired students, and class 1-3 and 1-4 are kind of a disability grab bag. The only thing we have in common is that we don't have an issue that requires us to learn a different way. For example, among my classmates who arrived early, there is a cute small red-haired girl in a wheelchair, a foreign-looking male student with a prosthetic leg, a handsome male student with one arm, and five others without any obvious outward disability. I guess right now, I fall into that last group. I have my joint braces on, but they are under my clothing.

I take a seat in front of the foreign-looking student, and he starts a conversation with me. I'm happy to talk to him because it helps ease some of my anxiety.

He nervously asks, "Hi, this is class 1-3, right? I'm trying to make sure I'm in the right place." I turn to my side in my chair so I can look at him. He is thin, fair-skinned and blonde. His Japanese is perfect, but I can detect a very slight accent.

I smile at him and nod, "Yep, you're in the right place."

He smiles back and looks relieved. "That's good. Thank you. I'm Carsten by the way."

"I'm Kayoko. Nice to meet you. Carsten isn't a name I've heard before."

He laughs, "Yes, I don't imagine it is. As I'm sure you noticed, I'm not Japanese. I'm German."

"Your Japanese is amazing."

He looks a little put out by my comment. I thought I was complimenting him, but I guess this is probably something he hears constantly. It probably reminds him that he looks and sounds different from the rest of us. He responds politely, though.

"Thanks. I've lived here since I was four, so it should be pretty good, right? My parents work at the German embassy in Tokyo."

"That's cool. I wish I knew another language."

He smiles. "Well, we do have to learn English over the next three years, so I think you'll get your wish."

"Yeah, but then you're going to know three languages and still be cooler than me."

He laughs and leans back in his chair a little bit, and intentionally makes himself sound arrogant. "Yep, that's true." His over-the-top play-arrogance makes me giggle, which he seems to enjoy.

In the time we've been talking more students have arrived, and before long our teacher enters the room. She looks like she is in her early 40s. She's a tall woman with shoulder-length brown hair and a curvy hourglass figure, one she doesn't seem to be trying to hide underneath her tight skirt and button-down shirt. And she shouldn't. I wouldn't hide it if I looked like her. I look around the room and most of the boys definitely seem to be checking her out as she writes her name on the board, including my new friend. I know most of the faculty here because of my parents. But I don't know this teacher other than her name. She's who they hired to replace my dad. Not long after she finishes writing her name, the bell rings.

"Hi everyone, I'm Ms. Hamada. I'll be your teacher for homeroom and science. Just like all of you, this is my first year here, so we'll all be getting used to life here together." She smiles. "Alright, let's start with attendance. After that, we'll do some other exercises today to make us all feel more comfortable in this new environment."

She goes through the class roster and it is fairly uneventful. She stumbles over Carsten's last name, but I don't blame her. I'm not even sure what she said. When she gets to my name she hesitates for a moment before reading it. My name isn't particularly difficult to pronounce, so I think it must just be that she recognizes my family name. I guess she would probably know the name of the man she replaced.

We spend the rest of the morning classes doing exercises that are meant to get us used to talking and discussing things in class. They mostly involve just talking about what clubs we might join and what we want to do academically. It is nice to get to know people a little bit more, but it isn't the most thrilling way to spend class either.

When the bell rings for lunch Ms. Hamada gestures for me to come talk to her. Before I do, Carsten says "Hey, do you want to eat lunch together?"

I smile, "Sure. I think the teacher wants to talk to me though, so I'll meet you in the cafeteria." Carsten nods and leaves the classroom.

I'm not sure what she wants to say to me. I approach her desk. She has a surprisingly big smile on her face.

"Yes ma'am. You wanted to talk to me?"

"I did. You're Hisao Nakai's daughter, right?"

"Um…yeah. I am."

"He was my science teacher when I was in high school. Back in Tokyo, before he came here. He's the one who set me on this career path. So, I always really appreciated him."

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say to this.

She picks up on my silence and frowns, "I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe I shouldn't have brought this up?"

I smile, but it's only half genuine, "No, it's okay. He was a good teacher. He got me interested in science too. It's nice that I'll be learning from someone he taught."

She raises her eyebrows, "You should think about joining science club then."

Now my smile becomes more genuine, "You do sound like him. He has been trying to recruit me to science club at Yamaku since the day I was born. I had a periodic table poster in my room while I still had a crib."

She laughs, "That sounds about right. Okay, sorry for holding you up. Go get your lunch. It was nice to meet you."

I head down to the cafeteria and look for Carsten. I find him and leave my stuff in the chair next to him before going to grab some mediocre-looking food. My mom and dad used to make me really good lunches every day, but that's sort of fallen by the wayside for obvious reasons. For now, I'll have to eat cafeteria food.

I sit back down next to Carsten, who smiles at me.

"What did the teacher want, did you get in trouble on the first day?"

How much should I tell him in response to this question? We just met. It might be a little much. But maybe I should just be honest. It seems easier to do that, honestly. I won't dump everything on him right away, but it does seem likely this conversation will lead me to telling him some pretty personal stuff.

I laugh, "Nope, not in trouble. Kind of the opposite, maybe? My dad was a science teacher here, and he taught her. So, she just wanted to tell me that."

"Oh, so your dad's retired now?"

"Um…no. He passed away recently. She was hired to replace him."

Carsten drops his chopsticks and looks ashamed. "Oh. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pried so much."

I shrug, "It's fine. How could you have known? I mean, I probably wouldn't have dropped this on you the day I met you, but there wasn't really a way I could answer your question honestly without it ending up here. So, it's fine."

He picks his chopsticks up and looks like he feels a little better. "Still. That must be hard. You're even going to the school where he taught."

"You know, that hasn't really bothered me. He and my mom both really wanted me to come here. So, I just feel like I'm doing what he wanted. My parents were both students here too. So, knowing that I'm walking in his footsteps…feels kind of nice." When I finish talking, I notice I am absentmindedly clutching the gold pendant I always wear around my neck. My mom got it for me. It says "father" and has the years of his life on it.

He smiles, "Yeah, I guess that would be a nice feeling. So, your parents were both disabled?"

"Well, that's…a blunt question. But I guess it makes sense, though given what I just told you."

He looks embarrassed. "Bluntness is kind of a German stereotype." He looks down at his food. "Sorry."

"I didn't say blunt was a bad thing. People aren't usually like that, but honestly, it's kind of refreshing. Why beat around the bush, you know? I don't know how many other people will take kindly to that kind of questioning though, so be careful." I wink at him. "But yeah, my dad had a heart condition, and my mom is a below-the-knee double amputee."

He lights up a little when hearing about my mom, "Ah, so you're used to seeing this kind of thing." He gestures towards his prosthetic.

"Yep, very used to it. When I was little, I was surprised when I found out not everyone's moms had legs they could take off. It just became a trait of all mothers in my mind." I giggle.

He laughs, "Well, I can assure you I'm not a mother."

"Really? What a surprise."

"Are you disabled?"

Another blunt question.

" I am disabled. I may not look like it in an obvious way today, but I will on other days. To put it in the briefest way possible: My joints suck and I get hurt all the time."

"That…does not sound fun."

"It really isn't. But you know, I bet you're pretty used to your leg. I'm pretty used to my stuff too."

He looks down at his food with a somber look on his face. "Um…I'm actually not that used to it. I've only had this for a little less than a year."

I am really dense.

"...oh. I'm really sorry. See, at least when you were blunt you didn't make any stupid assumptions. My thing is genetic, and I sometimes forget other people aren't born with theirs. I mean I should know, because of my mom…"

He smiles, "That's okay. We've learned a lot about each other in this conversation, haven't we?"

I laugh. "We have indeed." Suddenly something dawns on me. "Because your injury is recent, you probably have to do physical therapy here, huh?"

He nods, "Yeah I have the first meeting today, actually, after classes."

I smile, "That meeting will almost definitely be with my mom. She's the head physical therapist and usually makes sure she gets the students like you. I have therapy this afternoon too, so we can go together. I'll introduce you."

He smirks, "Your dad taught our teacher, and your mom is going to be my physical therapist, huh?"

I giggle, "Yep. We Nakais rule this school. Or something."

The bell rings and we put our trays back and we head back to class.

...

After classes are dismissed, Carsten and I leave together and head for the medical building.

"I'm glad you know where this place is. I don't really have a handle on this campus yet. I have to keep pulling out the map."

"Yeah, I have spent a lot of time here. I know where pretty much everything is."

"That's good. You might have to give me a tour or something sometime."

I nod, "Yeah, I could do that."

Before long we arrive at the physical therapy wing of the medical building. We both check in with the receptionist.

"What time is your appointment?"

"3:15."

"Oh nice, mine is 3:30, so I'll just go back with you when they call you."

He nods, "Sounds good."

Before long they call Carsten's last name. Even hearing it a second time, I don't think I have any idea what it is.

I go with him when he goes back. The receptionist looks at me for a moment.

"Oh, he's actually got an appointment with my mom. So, I thought I would just introduce them."

The receptionist nods. Everyone knows me here, so it shouldn't really be an issue. It's not like I'm going to stay for his therapy session or anything.

I walk into the room where my mother is waiting, and she gets a look on her face that is equal parts confused and concerned.

"…what are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

She looks even more confused when Carsten follows me in.

"No, nothing like that. I just happened to meet a classmate today who you had an appointment with, so I thought I'd introduce you. I have therapy too, so I was here anyway."

My mom looks less confused so I continue. "So, mom, this is Carsten um…."

"...Leipziger."

I blush, "Yeah. That." I turn to him and say, "Sorry, your name is hard for me." He nods, I'm sure he gets that a lot in Japan.

"And Carsten, this is Emi Nakai."

"It's nice to meet you ma'am. Your daughter speaks highly of you."

She smiles, "I'm glad to hear it. Spend too much time around her and I'm sure that will change." She winks at me.

I roll my eyes, "Okay, well. I'll leave you two to it."

"See you later dear."

...

My mom and I are in the car and heading home. Overall, I had a nice first day. I think I even made a friend. Eventually though, my mom says something that takes me out of my good mood.

"So... you do know that boy likes you, right, dear?"

"What?"

"That boy. Carsten…hardtopronouncename. He likes you."

"How can he like me? We just met today."

My mom looks at me through the corner of her eye, "That's true, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like you. He lights up when he looks at you. He was also very polite with me, like he was trying to impress me. It was adorable. I'm pretty good at picking up on this kind of thing, you know."

"Are you? Didn't it take you forever to realize dad was in love with you? Or that you were in love with him?"

She scoffs, and mumbles "I feel like I'm talking to Chisato," before more clearly saying "..uh…yes...kind of. That was an unusual case though. Normally I'm very good at this kind of thing."

"Whatever, mom. I think you're imagining things. Can we just…not?"

"So, I take it that means you don't like him?"

I cross my arms. "Not like that. I. Just. Met. Him. To. Day. Going to take more than that for me to decide I like him. Why are we still talking about this?"

"But you two are friends?"

"I guess so. As much as two people can be friends after a single day. We ate lunch, talked about our disabilities a bit."

"You know…your father and I started out as friends who ate lunch together…."

Okay, she's really starting to make me angry now. Does she want me to get married to this boy she just met today? Why won't she drop this?

"I KNOW that, mom. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to talk about this?"

She sighs, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to tell you that you should like him, or that I think you should be with him or anything. I'm just saying…That boy definitely likes you. So just…be prepared for what that means. I'll stop talking about it now. Promise."

I roll my eyes, "Whatever, mom."

[guthrum06]

It's been a week since I started high school. Things have gone pretty well. I am enjoying classes. I've been splitting club time between science and band as I try to decide which one I want to join, and I eat most of my lunches with Carsten. He's a really nice guy and fun to talk to. We're eating right now in the grass out on the main quad.

"Oh…hey, Kayoko!"

I look up and see Daisuke walking towards us. Who I simultaneously dread seeing and love to see. Stupid crush.

I smile at him, "H-hey, Daisuke. Do you want to join us? This is my friend Carsten."

Daisuke nods and sits down with us and opens his lunch, "Nice to meet you, Carsten."

"Yeah, you too."

"You two have class together?"

"Y-yeah. Um…how were your classes so far today?"

What a dumb question. You can ask better questions than that, Nakai!

"They were fine. History and Japanese so far. Not my favorites."

Carsten laughs, "Those two are probably my favorites."

"Yeah? Well, that's cool. I like science the most. And maybe English?"

Daisuke turns to me, "What about you Kayoko?"

"I k-kind of like everything. I'm a nerd like that." I laugh but no one else does. I'm pretty sure I just turned bright red.

So awkward. Why am I like this with him around?

"B-but my favorite regular classes are science and Japanese, I guess? I w-would say music, but it's a club so that doesn't count."

Daisuke laughs, "I'm glad you like music at least. My mom is still disappointed that I gave up on it." He turns to Carsten, "My mom is the music teacher."

"Oh, yeah? I could see her being disappointed then."

We continue with small talk. Well, mostly Carsten and Daisuke do. Any time I try to talk I sound like a scared puppy so I kind of give up. Eventually the bell rings and we get up to head back to class.

As I'm walking with Daisuke and Carsten back to the school building I find myself looking up at Daisuke's face and appreciating how handsome he is. I especially love his eyes and his smile. Then I feel an impact on my chest and fall down in the grass. As I fall, I see that I ran into another girl who was distracted and looking at her phone.

Shit. Normally I avoid distractions when I'm walking for exactly this reason. Normally I don't even use my phone and walk at the same time. You need to be more careful Nakai! It doesn't matter how handsome Daisuke is. Watch where you're walking!

This would just be a normal thing to get up from for most people. The other girl is fine and apologizing profusely. But I'm not so lucky. I reflexively used my left arm to brace myself as I was falling. Now, my left elbow is experiencing a very familiar excruciating pain and I can't move my forearm. The pain is so great I can't help gritting my teeth and grunting and moaning. Why did this have to happen? And in front of Daisuke! Tears are forming in the corners of my eyes. I'm not sure whether they are more from pain or embarrassment. I close my eyes to hold the tears in, and so I don't have to see how Daisuke is looking at me.

Daisuke and Carsten are both quick to act and come to my side. Daisuke has seen me get hurt once before, so he knows what's going on to some extent.

Daisuke asks, "It's your elbow, right?"

I nod without opening my eyes.

"Do you think you can get on your feet on your own?"

I shake my head without opening my eyes. I hurt too much to try it, and my balance will be off by enough that I might just fall and hurt something else.

"Okay, Carsten? Help me get her on her feet. Careful of her elbow. We're going to need to take her to the nurse."

The two of them help me up. Daisuke wraps his arm around my left shoulder and Carsten lifts me from the waist on my right side. Once I'm up, Daisuke lets go and Carsten stays with his arm around my waist to help me stay standing. It hurts enough that I would probably be doubled over otherwise.

"I'm going to run and get a wheelchair. I'll be right back."

He's probably right that that's the best way to move me. They could probably try to carry me, but I think that would be excruciating with all the bouncing.

"H-hang in there, o-okay K-kayoko?"

Carsten sounds very worried. More than he needs to be. He's also shaking a little. I realize he doesn't know that much about my condition and might think this is a little more serious than it is. It hurts like hell, but it isn't going to kill me. I should probably tell him.

"I'll…be okay. Just…hurts…a lot. Not...dangerous." This seems to calm him somewhat.

Daisuke returns with the wheelchair. Carsten helps me into it. They both escort me to the nurse. "They already know we're coming. The nurse should be able to see you right away."

I give a half-hearted thumbs up with my good arm. I still haven't opened my eyes.

Once we're with the nurse, Daisuke asks, "Do you want us to stay or go?"

That's a good question. I could use the support because there is going to be an instant of blinding pain when she returns my elbow to its socket, but I also don't know if I want Daisuke to see me suffer more than he already has. On the other hand…

"...stay. Daisuke…can I…hold your…hand? This…going to…hurt." He nods and gives me his hand.

It is true that holding someone's hand and squeezing it helps me with the pain, but I'm definitely using the situation to my advantage. I think that's okay, my disability has to be good for something, right?

The nurse approaches me and says, "Okay sweetie, I'm sure you've been through this a lot, but I'm just going to remind you. I'm going to get your elbow back in its socket. It's really going to hurt. Are you ready?"

I nod and brace myself. I'm glad my eyes are already closed. I never watch when this happens. I think that would make it hurt even more. The nurse takes my wrist in one hand and my elbow in the other, and gently guides it back into the socket. I squeeze Daisuke's hand as tight as I possibly can. It feels so nice to hold his hand…even in this situation.

The instant she gets it back in the socket I try to cover my mouth to muffle a scream. I wasn't that successful. After that moment of blinding pain, though, I feel much better. I sigh and relax, noticing that every muscle in my body was tense from the pain.

My elbow still hurts of course. Dislocating it and putting it back does some damage to the area that will have more long-term problems, but the pain pales in comparison to everything I was feeling, so I barely feel it.

I open my eyes and let go of Daisuke's hand, "Thank you. Daisuke. I hope your hand's okay."

He laughs, "It's fine. I'm glad I could help."

My face is already probably pretty red from all the pain I was in, so luckily, he can't see that I'm blushing right now.

I sort of forgot Carsten was here too. Woops. He asks "A-are you okay now?"

I nod, "Relatively speaking. It still hurts but the worst is over. Thank you both for helping me." I turn to the nurse, "Now we're going to do some imaging, give me some anti-inflammatories, ice it, and then fit me for a sling, right?"

She laughs softly, "Yep. Your mother told me you were used to all of this. She wasn't kidding. Come with me and we'll get all that done for you." She turns to Carsten and Daisuke, "You two should probably get to class. She'll be okay, I promise."

...

X-rays didn't reveal anything too alarming. I'm already developing some early arthritis in this elbow because I mess it up so much, but that's to be expected unfortunately.

I make it back to class for the last hour or so with my new sling and take my seat in front of Carsten. He looks relieved to see me.

Once class is over, Carsten asks, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright. It hurts. I wish I didn't have to wear a sling, but it's much better than before. Thank you so much for your help."

He nods, "No problem. Uhm…this might be a weird question, but what is your condition called? I kind of want to read up on it a little so I know better what to do in the future."

"It's called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. There are a bunch of types. Mine is the 'Hypermobile' type." I laugh, "I always think 'Hypermobile' sounds like it should be a superpower or something, like those stretchy superheroes have, you know?" I laugh "No such luck."

He laughs. "Okay, good to know. Hey, what are you doing now?"

"I'm going to go to band practice today. I haven't decided what club I'm going to join yet, but that's where I'm leaning. I play the piano. I…can't really play it for a bit, but I still wanted to go see what's going on there."

"Oh, that's cool. I was going to check out newspaper club. See you tomorrow, then."

"Yep, see you later."

I head towards the performing arts center. It does suck that I did this today, I would have liked to play the piano, but oh well.

When I get there, everyone is still setting up. My Aunt Chisato is the music teacher, and when she sees me, she gets a look of concern on her face and walks over to me. She's a fairly tall woman. She's a little taller than me and she has dark brown eyes and shoulder-length brown hair. I'm fairly sure she dyes it, because somehow she has no gray despite being in her late 50s. While it is hard to believe my mom is my mom, I think it's believable that me and Chisato are related. Even though we aren't.

She isn't really my aunt. Not just because I'm adopted either. She isn't the sibling of either of my adoptive parents, I just call her and her husband my aunt and uncle because they are so close to our family. My parents are both only children, so they are the closest thing to being my aunt and uncle. Of course…that would make Daisuke my cousin, which is…weird.

My aunt sees me and frowns before coming up to me. "Hey sweetie. Hurt your elbow again?"

"Yeah, unfortunately. Your son was with me, he helped a lot."

She smiles, "He's a good kid. I guess that means no piano for you for a bit?"

I laugh, "I could try to play one-handed, I guess." I laugh wryly. "Not sure how well that would go. I just wanted to come see the club activities, follow along with the music. Still trying to decide what club to join."

She scoffs at me, "What is there to decide? You want to join band. Why would you even consider anything else?"

I laugh, "Band is where I'm leaning. But I'm considering science club too."

She smirks. "Science club is for nerds, Kayoko. Are you sure you want to be a nerd?"

I laugh, "Should a teacher really be calling students nerds? And…isn't your son in science club? Also…isn't being in band kind of a nerd stereotype too?"

"Psh. So many questions." She shakes her head, "I still can't believe your dad convinced Daisuke to join science club. He seduced him behind my back! Anyway, the band kids are the cool ones. I was in band when I was a student, aren't I cool?"

"...no comment."

She gets more serious for a moment, "Your dad would like that you're thinking about science club. But you know what? I think he'd be pretty happy if you were in band. I'm not just saying that to manipulate you. Promise."

I laugh, "Yeah, I know. He was excited when I started playing piano."

"Well, of course he was. The piano is the coolest thing on the planet. In any case, you've always liked music, even when you were a teeny tiny little thing. Science is a more recent interest of yours. I say go with band. I promise I'm not biased or anything." She winks at me.

"Yes, and why have I liked music for so long, Aunt Chisato?"

She pauses for a moment and says, "Because of Saki, obviously."

Saki was my dad's first wife and Chisato's best friend. They all met here at Yamaku. She had a genetic condition that took her life by the time she was 28. She was a musician and a composer. I don't think my dad ever stopped loving her. He talked about her a lot. We go to her grave every year. There's a part of our living room that is dedicated to her. There you can find all her music, pictures of her and my dad, and even her violin.

My mom and dad always wanted me to know as much about her as I could. So, Saki has played a role in leading me towards music. I also relate to her somewhat because of her condition. Mine isn't nearly as bad because it isn't fatal, but she had to deal with pain, she was born with it, and she had to use mobility aids like I do.

"Okay, but who had me listening to her music even when I was an infant?"

"Well, mostly me. But can you blame me? It's amazing."

It really is.

I sigh, "I'm just trying to say that you indoctrinated me with music. Just admit it. I'm fine with it, you should be too."

She laughs, "Fine, fine. I admit it. But you're also talented, I wouldn't be trying so hard to get you in band if you weren't."

I smile, "Thanks. But you should probably pay attention to some of your other students now."

"What are you, like 13? And you're telling me how to do my job?"

"16. And yes, yes, I am. I'll just be sitting over here and observing."

"Fine, fine."

She returns to where most of the other students are. Today they are trying to determine the ranking for each of the instruments. There's only one other student who plays the piano. But he's a third-year, and if I joined band this year I probably wouldn't get to play that much at the performances since there's usually only one piano.

She's right that my dad would like it if I joined band. But there are two things about science club that make it appealing to me. First, Daisuke is in it. In fact, he's the president. Second, getting hurt doesn't limit how much I can participate in science club, like it does in band. I'm certainly more passionate about music, though. It's a tough choice.

...

Once club activities are over, I meet up with my mom. She's the teacher for track club, and we both got done around the same time. She of course heard about me getting hurt.

"Hey sweetie. Stinks that you got hurt today. They took good care of you, right?"

My mom is often the one who fixes my dislocations. She's making sure they did a good job.

"Yep, elbow feels…well, about as good as it can, I guess."

She smirks at me. "So, still pretty crappy, then?"

I laugh, "Yeah, pretty much."

We get in the car and head towards home.

"So, I hear two boys got you to the nurse today, care to elaborate on that?"

This woman has spies everywhere.

"Ugh. Why are you like this now? You weren't like this before high school, now I feel like you are very interested in the time I spend with boys. It isn't like I haven't had male friends before."

I wonder if losing dad is somehow the cause? Maybe because she lost who she loves she wants me to find someone I can love? Maybe I should cut her a break.

"Yeah, I know, but you're reaching that age. The one where boys are going to start taking interest in you, and you'll take interest in them. I'm just being nosey."

"You really are."

"...was one of them Carsten?"

"Yes, okay. I was with Daisuke and Carsten when it happened. They were both very sweet and helped me get to the nurse and stayed with me until the worst was over. Is that what you want to hear?"

"I don't know if it's what I 'want' to hear. But I'm not surprised either. Do you…still not think Carsten likes you? It has been a week now, so your original excuse doesn't work anymore."

I think about everything that happened today and sigh, "I don't know. Maybe he does. He was really worried about me. He said he wanted to read up on EDS so he could help better next time or something. But Daisuke helped me just as much. Do you think that means that he likes me too?"

I say the last part hoping for confirmation.

My mom gets a look of disbelief on her face. "No, I don't think he likes you. He's more like a big brother to you, isn't he?"

"Um…yeah…"

"See? So, him helping is much different than Carsten. Who definitely is not your big brother."

"Yeah, that's true. But he could just be a friend who helped."

"Yeah. Maybe." My mom doesn't look like she believes her own words.

---

A few days later, Carsten and I are at lunch again, this time on the roof. Students aren't really supposed to come up here, but I always have with my mom and dad, so I thought I would show him. I shouldn't really be using the stairs very often. But it's nice occasionally. Carsten seems to like it too.

"It is pretty nice up here."

"Yep. It is a nice place when the weather is good."

He looks down and starts wringing his hands.

"Um…since we seem to have some privacy, I want to tell you something…"

Why would he need privacy?

"…okay."

"Kayoko, I've really liked spending time with you and getting to know you the past couple of weeks. I think you're an amazing person and…beautiful. I…like you. Do you…want to be my girlfriend?"

Ugh, why did my mom have to be right? What am I supposed to do here?

I realize I've been completely silent for several seconds and that Carsten is looking on with an increasingly anxious expression. I guess he realizes my hesitation isn't a good thing.

But…getting confessed to is kind of nice. And he even called me beautiful. The only male that's ever told me that before is my dad. He's kind of cute too. So, he definitely made me feel good. But…I just don't feel the same way. I should be honest.

I frown, "I'm really sorry, Carsten. I don't feel the same. I like you a lot, but as a friend. There's someone else I like. I'm…sure it hurts to hear that and I'm sorry."

This sucks. I'm doing the same thing to Carsten that I'm so afraid will happen to me if I ever tell Daisuke my feelings.

He sighs but looks surprisingly okay with the situation, "It's okay. I was pretty sure you would say no. I wish you hadn't, but I understand. You like Daisuke, don't you?"

I blush and look down, "Is it that obvious?"

"Well, to me it is. But I've also been trying to figure out whether you like somebody for a little while since I…well, wanted to date you. So, I noticed that you get…different around him. All nervous and stuff."

I smile at him, "Yeah, you have it right. Listen, thanks for being cool about this. I really appreciate that you aren't mad at me or anything. You could be."

"Yeah, I'm not mad at you. You feel how you feel. I'm disappointed in the situation for sure, but why would I get mad? You didn't do anything wrong. Anyway, are you going to confess to Daisuke?"

I blush, "I…don't know. I've known him for a long time. My whole life, actually. His parents are best friends with my parents. He's…kind of like a big brother to me. So, it's awkward. He's the first guy I've ever liked, he's older than me, I've never confessed to anyone, and I don't want to make things weird after we've been friends for so long. He's also going to graduate kind of soon. All those things really make me hesitate. So…I don't know. I don't think I'm going to."

"Yeah, that does sound kind of complicated. But I think you should do it."

"Why? What if he rejects me?"

He laughs, "Well, as someone who just got rejected…"

Oops.

"I can say that I'm still glad I did it. I would have regretted it if I didn't try, you know? Don't you think if he graduates, and you never told him about your feelings you're going to regret it?"

"Hmm…probably I guess."

"So you're going to do it?"

"I dunno…maybe. I'm still really scared. You do have me considering it more seriously now, though."

The bell rings and we get up and start to get ready to head back down.

"Hey, Carsten?"

"Yeah?"

I give him a hug. At least the best one I can muster while wearing a sling. He hugs me back.

"I'm…really sorry I didn't return your feelings. You're a great guy. You were really mature about me saying no and then even helped me talk through my own romance stuff. So…thanks a lot. You're a great friend. I hope we can still be friends."

"O-of course we can."

I break the hug, smile at him and say, "Good."

We head back down to class together.

---

I'm at home, doing some homework in my room and listening to Saki's music. My mom is making us dinner.

I hear a knock on the door and my mother says. "Dinner's ready!"

I come out of my room and find a nice sweet and sour stir fry waiting for me. My mom is a really good cook, especially when it comes to Asian dishes, and especially stir-fry. We sit down to eat, and my mother starts shoveling food into her mouth like she's been starving for months. This is normal for her. She might be tiny, but she packs away a ton of food, and quickly.

Once she finishes eating, which doesn't take long, she asks "So, how was your day?"

Should I tell her about Carsten? She could probably use the win, I guess.

"It was good. Um…you were…right about Carsten."

She smiles and laces her fingers, resting her chin on them. "Was I now? Does that mean you have a boyfriend?"

"No. I turned him down. Which sucked."

She frowns, "Yeah. That's not fun. Just don't feel the same?"

"Nope. I don't know if I even want to start dating yet. Seems like a headache after today."

"He didn't take it well?"

"No, he did. He was very nice about it, actually. So that was good. We will still be friends. But I know I hurt his feelings. And that really sucks."

"Yeah. Love can be pretty crappy when it's unrequited. It sounds like he had a better reaction than pretty much every guy I've turned down. So be thankful for that."

I laugh, "Turn down a lot of guys, did you?"

"Um…kind of, yeah." She pauses for a moment. "I guess you're old enough now to hear this, especially now that you've turned down a confession of your own. Before I met your dad I…never really had any real relationships. I didn't want to get close to anyone, so I dumped a lot of guys a few weeks into dating and rejected a lot of confessions. "

"You didn't want to get close?"

"Nope. I was afraid of losing people because I lost my dad. So, I didn't want to get to the point where it might hurt me if I lost them. You know how much losing my dad still affects me now." I nod. "Well, it used to be much worse. It completely ruled my life. Your father helped me overcome that."

I suddenly feel tears welling up inside of me. "...and now you lost dad, too. I'm so sorry, mom. "

She looks down and starts to tear up, so I get up and give her a one-armed hug.

She's crying softly now.

"You know, I have handled losing him much better than I ever imagined I would. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly. But…when it happened, I was worried that first week was going to be the new me. I was…very scared. I was worried I was going to fail you as a mother. But I think your dad helped me learn you can lose someone and keep going. He lost Saki, you know? Then he lived another 30 years. So…in a way, he helped me cope with losing him." She laughs with a few tears running down her cheeks, "So, he's still helping me."

"Mom...if you ever want to talk about that stuff, you can with me, you know?"

"I know, sweetie. You're so grown up. But there are some limits to what a mother should tell their daughter, I think."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…I suppose I don't ever want you to feel like you need to take care of me. I think…if I told you everything all the time…that's how you'd feel. I don't want to burden you with that. So, I'm just…not going to tell you all the time about this kind of thing. But don't worry, I am talking to people about it. Therapy has helped a lot." She laughs, "That's another way your father helped me. I thought therapy was the worst thing ever for a long time. Talking about my problems with anyone was unthinkable. Much less a stranger. But…it's an important part of what lets me…keep things together, now."

"Mom, I don't mind if you need me to take care of you sometimes. You've taken care of me my whole life. I know how hard losing dad was on you. What you just told me…makes me realize that even more. I guess I just mean…I can support you. Help you. I want to. You just have to let me."

"You're even more grown up than I thought." She sighs. "I'll think about it. How did we end up on this topic, anyway?"

I laugh, "You were talking about all the hearts you broke before you met dad."

She giggles, "Ah…yes…"

"How many guys are we talking about, anyway?"

She laughs, "...that's a good question. Um…a lot."

"So many you don't even know the number?"

"Look at it this way. You're 16, you just turned down your first guy. I was 34 when your father and I met for the second time. You like math, right? I'm sure you can extrapolate that or whatever."

I have to know something. It might be awkward, but…

"Mom…did you…sleep…with all these guys?"

She looks very surprised. "Are you sure you really want to know this?"

"I…kind of feel like I have to know now that we've gone this far."

"Okay well…I guess you're old enough if you're asking. Not all of them. But…a good number of them."

"Wow."

She laughs, "Did you think your mother was a wholesome virgin until she married your father?"

"Um…maybe not a wholesome virgin. But I don't think I would have thought you had been with a lot of guys, either."

"I was…a different person, then. So, I can understand your surprise. Listen Kayoko, I know it's awkward for me to say this, but I think I have to. Soon you'll be in the part of your life when you start wanting to have sex-"

"Mom, do you really have to?"

"I just said I have to. You're on the verge of dating and I just… I want you to know that sex is much better if you love the person, okay? I…never believed that. It sounded like a fairy tale people told their kids to keep them from having sex. But it's true. So just…whenever that time comes…keep that in mind. Don't follow my example."

She basically just told me that sex with my dad was really good. That's…awkward. But I guess I get what she's saying.

"Don't worry, mom. I don't think I'd ever have sex with someone I didn't love. I guess…you and dad are my example of what a couple should be, and you loved each other so much. So…I guess I am following your example…" I laugh." Just not your young one."

She nods, "Good. Okay. Awkward sex talk over."

"Thank God."

---

I'm at science club today. My arm is still in a sling, and I can't play the piano, so I decided it made sense to feel things out here, since I still haven't fully decided if I want to go with science or music. Plus, I get to spend some time with Daisuke. I'm sitting next to him right now. I'm trying my best not to stare.

I've come to like Ms. Hamada a lot. The way she teaches does really remind me of my dad. If I can't be taught by him, being taught by someone he inspired to be a science teacher is probably the next best thing.

Today we're discussing an article on genome engineering. A topic I found myself especially interested in…for obvious reasons.

Ms. Hamada seems to be wrapping things up. "So that's an overview of genetic engineering. We've covered a lot and I think we had a good discussion. Are there any questions?"

The article mostly talked about the applications of gene editing for agricultural purposes and how it could really improve our ability to make sure everyone in the world has enough food. I have a question I am dying to ask about how it could be used on people, so I raise my hand.

"Yes, Nakai?"

"Is it possible we could eliminate genetic disorders with gene editing?"

Daisuke turns and smiles at me, and I feel my face instantly flush. I try to focus on the teacher even though I feel him looking at me.

Ms. Hamada smiles too. I don't know how much she knows about my condition. The teachers generally know what to expect as a result of our conditions so that they can be prepared to respond. Like, if I dislocated something in class she probably knows what to do. But they aren't usually told exactly what we have going on. I guess she can probably guess based on my question, though.

"That's a really good question. It is possible that we could achieve that someday. However, editing human DNA has been significantly more challenging than with plants. For one thing, there are some serious risks associated with it. If someone messes up with plant DNA the plant might die…the same is true for people. Maybe in 20 or 30 years we could achieve something like that. Although…people have been saying that since I was a student." She laughs. "And that was quite some time ago. Science doesn't always progress the way we hope."

She checks the time.

"It looks like we're out of time. This was a great meeting everyone."

I have more I want to ask her, but it will have to wait. Especially because three of the boys who came today are already lined up to talk to her. They didn't engage that much in the discussion. Maybe it's unfair of me, but I have a feeling they only want to talk to her because she's so pretty.

Luckily, Daisuke isn't one of those guys. In fact, I've never even seen him check her out like I have every other guy in my class and science club. I think he's too much of a gentleman.

"Hey Kayoko, what are you doing now?"

Is he going to ask me to hang out with him? I hope so.

"N-nothing. Why?"

"Well, a friend of mine is making dinner and I was going to go over there and hang out."

A friend? Probably some girl.

"Oh, that's cool."

"Do you want to come?"

"Um…are you sure? It d-doesn't sound like I was invited."

"Oh, don't worry about that, he's a really great guy and I want him to meet you. I will text him ahead of time too."

So, it's not a girl and he wants me to meet his friend. I'm definitely on board now.

"Okay, that could be fun. Let me call my mom about it."

He nods, and I step away to call her.

"Hey sweetie, what's up?"

"Um…Daisuke invited me to one of his friends' dorm rooms and we were going to have dinner, so I was gonna do that."

"Oh, that's nice of him. Have fun. Give me a call when you need a ride and I will come get you, okay?"

Oh. Yeah, I kind of forgot about that. Plus, now I'm thinking of my mom eating alone and it makes me feel guilty.

"Mom, that kind of sucks for you. Maybe I'll just go home with you now. I don't have to do this."

"Kayoko, it's fine, okay? I'm happy to come get you. Have fun. Love you."

She hangs up before I can argue any more.

I turn around, and Daisuke notices I'm not on the phone anymore.

"Did she give the thumbs up?"

I smile, "She did."

He smiles back at me. "Great! Let's get going then."

...

I'm in the boys' dorms with Daisuke. That's a sentence I may have fantasized about a bit before.

I'm headed to have dinner with him and his friend. It isn't exactly a date. In fact, it isn't even close. But it's the closest I've ever been.

Once we reach his room, Daisuke knocks on the door, and it opens pretty quickly. The guy who answers is a little taller than me. He has blue eyes and slightly curly brown hair. He's really cute. I guess cute boys tend to hang out with other good-looking boys.

"It's me and my friend, Kaito."

At first, I'm confused by this exchange, but then I notice that Kaito is blind, or at least somewhat visually impaired. His eyes aren't focused on us at all. It's like he's looking right through us.

He smiles and says, "Come on in. I just finished cooking, so you have good timing."

When we enter his room, I see that it has very little apart from his bed and his desk. I guess having the space open makes sense for him. He has set up a card table where we will apparently be eating. It smells good, but I have no idea what any of the food is. There are little brown…balls? And some kind of flatbread. And a light brown spread that doesn't exactly look…appetizing. Are the balls made of meat? I have no idea. It looks different than anything I have ever had.

Kaito takes a seat, and we join him. "It's nice to meet you. It's Kayoko, right? I'm Kaito."

"It's nice meeting you too. Th-thanks for letting me come on short notice."

He smiles, "It's no problem. Daisuke talks about you quite a lot. So, it is nice to put a face to a name," he laughs, "I guess in my case it is more of a voice, but you know what I mean."

He talks about me a lot?!

"So, shall we eat?"

I have no idea how I am supposed to eat this.

Luckily, Daisuke is similarly confused. "Erm…Kaito? How do we eat this exactly?"

He laughs, "That's right. You've never had falafel. Have you had it Kayoko?"

"Erm…no. I've never even heard of it, and I don't think I could even pronounce it, I'm embarrassed to admit it."

He laughs, "That's okay. My father is Israeli, so that's probably the only reason I know it. It is basically fried balls made of chickpeas."

"Anyway, what you want to do is take the little balls and stuff then in this bread - it's called a pita. It has a pocket. Then you can add this" he touches the bowl with the light brown spread in it, "It's call hummus, and then you can also put in any of the vegetables you want."

I look at Daisuke and he looks as lost as I am. Kaito picks up on our silence and laughs. "Here, just do what I do. Explaining was probably not the way to go. For…obvious reasons, my first instinct wasn't to show you. I'm used to people explaining how to do things to me. Sorry."

Kaito makes his and then we do the same.

I take a bite and it is really good. It may not look like the most appetizing thing in the world, but the taste is amazing. It's savory and filled with so many different flavors.

Just as I am about to compliment the chef, Daisuke says "Hey, this is really good."

"Why do you sound so surprised, Daisuke? You've liked everything I've made you before, haven't you?"

He laughs, "I have, but I dunno. Fried chickpea ball doesn't sound appetizing on paper, I guess? Maybe it's a Japanese thing. But it's definitely good."

I nod in agreement and realize how pointless that was, so I say "I agree. It's really good."

He smiles, "I'm glad you both like it."

I ask, "So it's an Israeli d-dish?"

"Sort of. But not really. It is more Middle Eastern in general. Israelis really love it though. It is the main street food you'll find there."

"That's cool. From your Japanese I'm guessing you grew up here?"

He nods, "Yep. I visit Israel with my family during the summer holidays, but that's about it. My Hebrew isn't even very good. My father isn't thrilled about that. I do like the food though, and we do parts of some Jewish holidays."

Daisuke adds, "Yeah he's made me some other Israeli stuff, mostly sweets so far though. It's all been good. I'm going to clean up Kaito, that okay?"

Kaito smiles, "It's more than okay. I would appreciate it."

Daisuke squeezes his shoulder and then starts cleaning. He goes down the hallway to the communal kitchen, leaving me and Kaito alone.

"So, you've known him pretty much his whole life, huh?"

"Yeah. I mean, he's two years older so I guess he had a little time without me. But yeah, our parents are best friends. We even call them aunt and uncle."

He nods, "He told me about that. I'm sorry about your father."

"Yeah…thanks. It's been hard. But we're doing okay."

I check the time. It's almost 8 and my mom usually goes to bed by 9. I probably need to go.

"Speaking of my parents…I should probably go. My mom has to come get me and she goes to bed pretty early."

"Oh, you don't live in the dorms?"

"Not yet. I want to. But um…with us losing my dad, I didn't want to leave my mom alone."

"Oh. Yeah, I can see that."

He reaches out for my hand, and I give it to him. "Well, it was really nice meeting you. Feel free to come by any time. I quite like Daisuke, so I'd like to get to know you better."

"Thanks for all your hospitality, I liked meeting you too."

Just as we are saying our goodbyes, Daisuke comes back.

"You leaving?"

"Yeah, you know how m-my mom goes to bed early."

He laughs, "Yeah. The woman is almost 60. Do you think she will ever stop running at the crack of dawn?"

"Probably not. She really loves it. It helps her too, I think. Especially lately."

Daisuke hugs me and I squeeze him tighter with my one good arm than I usually do. "Yeah…I know. Well, thanks for hanging out with us. You should come by again sometime."

"I will. D-definitely."

I go out into the hallways feeling pretty good about things. I got some extra time with Daisuke, and he even wanted me to meet his friend. And Kaito said he talks about me a lot. Maybe…just maybe… I have a shot with him.

[guthrum06]

The nurse smiles at me after examining my elbow. I'm visiting her before classes today.

"Your swelling has gone down enough that we can get you out of this thing."

I smile broadly at her words. "That'll be nice. It will be good to play the piano again."

The nurse carefully removes my sling. I extend my arm afterwards. It is pretty stiff from barely being moved the last two weeks.

"You might still have a little pain and swelling, so take some anti-inflammatories if you have to."

"Okay. Thank you so much for helping me with this."

The nurse looks at me and smiles, "You know, it's amazing how little I hear those two words from students. At least, said with feeling and not just as an empty statement they feel obligated to say."

I laugh, "Well, as you know, I have some medical professionals in my family, so I guess I kind of get it. My dad also told me he really regretted not thanking the head nurse when he was a student here. So, I figured I should say it. I really do appreciate it."

She smiles, "I know. I can tell you do." She looks a little sad for a moment. "Your dad was such a nice man. I'm glad he made sure that you're nice too." She winks at me.

I laugh, "He really was. Alright, I guess I'll be off to class."

The nurse nods, "Have a nice day."
...

When I get to class, Carsten is already there, and he lights up when he sees me. I'm pretty sure he still likes me and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to progress with that. But he wants to be my friend even if I don't want to date him. And I like having him as a friend, so I guess it's all okay.

When I sit down, he says. "You got your sling off, huh? That's pretty nice."

"Yeah, I was relieved. Most of all because it means I can play piano later."

As we are talking, the bell rings and Ms. Hamada enters the room at almost the same instant and we go about our day of classes.

...

When I walk into the band room my Aunt Chisato smiles broadly, "You got your sling off, huh? That's great!"

I nod, "It really is. I'm glad I can finally play piano as part of the band."

She nods, "Hideki actually won't be able to make it today, so you'll get to play the piano the whole time, if you're up for it. You've been keeping up with what we're playing, right?"

"Yep. I think I know most of the songs, in theory at least. It will take me a little while to really get up to speed probably, but I think I'll do okay."

She winks at me, "I'm sure you will."

When I go and sit at the piano, I notice some other students are looking at me. It makes sense, they haven't seen a whole lot of me, at least not as part of the band. Normally Hideki would be sitting here, not some girl they've barely seen. I have been checking out science club lately, and when I have come to band, I've just been sitting in a corner of the room following along with the music, so they may not have even noticed me.

One girl puts down her French horn and comes up to the piano to talk to me. She's small. Almost as small as my mom. She has brown eyes and short light brown hair that she wears in a bob. She's wearing a very pink headband that seems to have tiny glittery gems in it. She's adorable.

In a very timid voice that I can barely hear, she says, "H-hey. D-do you um..r-remember me?"

She does look familiar, but I thought it was just because I have seen her in band. When I look at her in confusion and don't respond, she continues. She looks down at her feet.

"Um…it's m-my fault you g-g-got hurt. You ran into m-me because I wasn't p-paying attention. I j-just wanted to say…s-sorry. I s-said it then but y-you were really hurt, and I don't think you heard m-me. I just got out of the way s-so your f-friends could help y-you. I s-saw you in here a few times since then, but d-didn't work up the c-courage to t-talk to you. I'm s-s-sorry."

She's really nervous. I smile at her and say, "It's okay. I only ran into you because I also wasn't paying attention. I'm the one who can very easily get hurt, so I really should have been. I don't blame you or anything. That kind of thing just…happens to me."

She looks relieved, "O-ok-kay. Um…th-thank you."

I laugh, "Why are you thanking me?"

She gets flustered and for a moment I think she's going to go sit back down but then she says, "Um…b-because you f-f-forgave me…"

"I don't think you did anything that even needs me to forgive you. So don't worry, okay?"

She nods, and without another word she turns around and returns to her seat. When she does, I notice that where she's sitting means she's the first chair French horn. I'm fairly sure she's a first-year student, so that's really impressive. I also notice that she doesn't talk to any of the other students around her, who are all talking to each other. They don't try to talk to her either. I guess her being so timid and awkward just now wasn't just because she felt guilty.

I'm not as up to speed on the songs we're playing as I would like to be, and I messed up a few times. My aunt was nice about it of course, but it was frustrating. Now that I'm out of my sling I should be able to get up to speed, though.

Once we get done with band for the day, I get out my phone and see I have a text from my mom. It says, "Track practice going late today. Students have been slacking off . I will be 30 minutes late."

I think about what I'm going to do with the extra time for a little while. By the time I look up, I see that most students have already left. But not the small girl who apologized to me. She stayed behind to polish her French horn. I do need to get to know some of my bandmates, and she seems like a nice enough person. Plus, I really don't want her to feel guilty about this whole thing.

I approach her and say, "Hey, I think I'm going to go get a snack from the cafeteria. Do you want to come?"

When she first looks up at me, I think I see fear in her eyes. But it softens after a moment. "…y-you want m-me to g-go w-with you? Why?"

I shrug, "I'd like some company I guess."

She looks back down at her French horn for a moment, "O-okay, I'll c-come." She puts her French horn away and leaves it in the band room and we set out for the cafeteria.

While we're walking, I notice she has a slight limp. She also looks up at the sky and at the trees with a cute smile on her face. Every time I ask her a question though, her smile falters a bit. It makes me feel a little bad for trying to talk to her.

"You're a first year, right?"

She nods.

"Me too. You are in 1-4, I guess?"

She nods again.

"It's really cool you're the first chair French horn. There are six of you. I think you're the only first year in the band that is first chair."

"O-oh…it's n-not a b-big deal…"

"Well, I think it is kind of a big deal."

She looks down at her feet and says, "Th-thank you…"

Eventually we each reach the cafeteria, get our snack, and we sit down.

"I see that you're also a fan of melon bread."

She smiles slightly and nods.

We sit in silence for a while as we eat. It starts to become awkward once we're done eating and not talking, so I try to start a conversation.

"How long have you played the French horn?"

"Um…s-since I w-was 4."

"That's awesome. So, I guess you really like it?"

She smiles more broadly than I thought she was capable of, "Yeah, I love it. I-it's one of my f-favorite things." She pauses for a long while and then asks "Um…h-how long have you played the p-piano?"

"Just since I was 10. I don't have as much experience as you."

"That's s-still g-good though."

Another uncomfortable silence.

She grimaces after a moment and looks down at the table, "Um…I'm s-sorry I'm b-b-bad at this."

"What are you saying you're bad at?"

"Um…t-t-talking. I um…d-don't have th-that much experience with it. Y-you d-don't have to k-k-keep talking to m-me."

"I think you're doing fine."

She sighs with a sad expression on her face. It breaks my heart a little bit. "Y-you d-don't have to l-lie."

"I'm not lying. I mean, I can tell this is hard for you. But you really are doing fine. Do you want me to stop talking to you? Would that be easier?"

She thinks about it for a moment.

"N-no. W-we can t-talk. …I j-just want you to know I'm b-bad at it. It i-isn't that I d-don't like you or something."

"Oh, well, I didn't think that."

"Okay."

I check the time. "Oh, I have to go. Hey, if you want to, you should come eat lunch with me and my friend tomorrow. We'll be on the main quad. Kind of near where we literally ran into each other that one time." I laugh, and to my surprise she lets out a tiny laugh of her own. I hope she's feeling less guilty. It seems like she has enough going on that she doesn't need to have that weighing on her too.

"O-okay. I m-might do that."

"I'm Kayoko, by the way."

"Um…I'm Akari."

"Nice to meet you. See you later!"

---

The next day I'm having lunch with Carsten on the main quad. It looks like Akari isn't coming. Halfway through the lunch period though, I see her in the distance. It looks like she's trying to decide if she wants to come sit with us, because I see her walk a few steps and then turn around several times.

Eventually, she comes and joins us. Today she has a pink headband on, but I think it's a different pink head band. It looks like this one has glitter on it. What's the point in having more than one headband of the same color?

I told Carsten about her, and he knows that she is shy.

I do my best to smile warmly at her and I say, "Hey Akari, this is my friend Carsten."

"H-hello. It's n-nice to m-m-meet you."

Carsten says, "Yeah, nice meeting you too. So you're in band, right?"

She nods, "Yeah, I p-play F-French horn."

"That's cool. So, what's your disability? As you can see, I have a prosthetic leg."

I want to slap him upside the head so hard right now. He knows she's shy and he's still going to ask her one of his trademark blunt questions right off the bat? This girl is going to run away or shut down entirely.

To my surprise, she doesn't. And in fact, she looks up from the ground and right at Carsten and she looks perfectly calm. That's more eye contact than she's given me so far. Maybe she likes that he's this direct? I would not have guessed that. But maybe it's easier for her to talk about real things than small talk.

"U-um…yeah. I have l-lupus."

He nods, "Oh. That's an autoimmune thing, right?"

She nods. "Y-yeah…my own b-body attacks my j-joints and…s-some of my o-organs."

"That stinks. Kayoko has problems with her joints too."

She looks at me with a curious look on her face, "Wh-what is yours?"

"My joints dislocate really easily, so I get hurt a lot. That's what happened when you and I first met. I dislocated my elbow when I fell. Not quite the same as you, but it does sound like both of us have joints that don't like us very much." She laughs more than I expect her to at my comment.

Akari looks down at her food for a moment and looks lost in thought, before looking back up and saying, "M-my l-upus was r-really b-bad…d-didn't r-respond to a-any m-medication. I had l-lots of s-surgeries on j-joints and k-kidneys...My l-lupus is b-better lately b-because of a n-new m-medication th-that c-came out." She pauses for so long that I think she's done talking, but then she continues.

"Um…I'm r-r-really b-bad at th-this s-social stuff b-because I j-just w-wasn't w-well enough f-for school u-until now. I w-was either in the h-hospital or at h-home u-until this year. I d-didn't have f-friends my own a-age. That's why I'm l-l-like this." She looks really ashamed as she says this, and it breaks my heart a little. Then she sighs, "I d-don't h-have m-much experience with p-people m-my own age." She laughs softly, "I'm b-better w-with old p-people. M-more c-comfortable."

She relaxes significantly after telling us this. I guess maybe explaining why she's so anxious had the effect of making her feel better about it. It does sound like she's so anxious about her anxiety that it is creating a vicious cycle of sorts.

Carsten laughs, "Well, you just told us a lot about you without too much trouble, so I think you're getting better with people your age."

She smiles at him, "Thanks um…I-i'm t-trying. This f-first m-month I have m-mostly kept to m-myself because transitioning has b-b-een hard. K-k-kayoko is pretty much the f-first person I've really t-talked to…"

When the bell rings, Akari looks really disappointed. I'm glad she enjoyed this.

"D-do you t-two eat here e-every day?"

Carsten nods, "Most days. Hey, if you give us your number, we can let you know if we're somewhere else."

Akari gets flustered by this, and even blushes a little bit. "Um…o-okay."

She turns to me, takes down my number, and then sends me a text so I have hers. I'm happy to give her my number, but why didn't she get Carsten's? He's the one who asked.

...

Later that day, after band practice, Akari approaches me as I'm packing things away in my bag and getting ready to leave and we start talking as the band room empties out.

"H-hey…lunch was n-nice today…thank you."

I smile at her, "It was nice having you. I hope you'll keep coming."

"I w-will. Um…is C-carsten your b-boyfriend?"

I nearly drop my bag when she asks this.

"No, we're just friends. Do you…like him?"

I mean, she just met him today, but my mom seems to think that's possible.

My questions flusters her significantly and she turns bright red.

"U-um…n-n-no. He seems n-nice, but I just m-met him. I j-just wanted to make sure I didn't d-do anything wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"W-well...I d-don't have very much experience around c-couples. S-so if he was your b-boyfriend, I didn't want to c-cross a l-line. I w-was worried m-maybe I did."

Suddenly a light bulb goes off in my head.

"That's why you got my number instead of his, isn't it?"

"Y-yeah."

"Well, Akari, I don't have much experience with this stuff either. But I think even if he was my boyfriend, I wouldn't have thought you did anything today that would make me mad. Even getting his number. So, if you want his number too you should get it tomorrow."

She nods, and then says "Y-you haven't had a b-boyfriend? But you're so p-pretty."

I blush slightly. She's the second person to tell me that lately. It's good for my self-esteem, I guess. "Thank you. You're pretty too." She doesn't look like she believes me. But she really is.

"But to answer your question, no – I haven't had a boyfriend. I haven't even ever kissed a guy." I laugh, "You have a pretty good reason for never having a boyfriend too since you never went to school. I did go to school, and I still never had one."

She smiles, "I th-thought it was only m-me. So m-many g-girls here have boyfriends."

"I think a lot of the students here are probably in the same boat as us. I mean, not all of them obviously, but I don't think we're that rare. Maybe if by graduation we're still so inexperienced that would be more unique. But right now, I think we're pretty normal."

She looks relieved, "That's good to know. Um…it's embarrassing b-but most of what I kn-know about going to s-school comes from r-romance manga. G-guess they aren't the most accurate, huh?" She giggles. It's a really nice thing to hear because it sounds like she's starting to relax. At least around me.

I laugh with her. "Yeah, I don't think so. Well, I have to go meet my mom. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

She nods, "Y-yeah. S-see you at lunch!"

I think I made another friend.

[guthrum06]

Author's Note: This chapter takes place nine months before Chapter 1 of Yamaku: The Next Generation, and in between Epilogue 8 and Epilogue 9 of Learning to Run.

I just woke up, but I really want to go back to sleep. It's so cozy in bed, and my ankle hurts, so getting up sounds even less appealing. Unfortunately, I've already hit snooze a couple of times and I need to get up and get ready for school.

Strangely, I don't hear the usual hustle and bustle in the kitchen and dining room this morning. Normally by the time I get up, my parents have already gone for a run and gotten ready. But I don't hear them today.

I pull myself out of bed and grab my cane. I put on my school uniform and go out into the living room. I still don't hear anything. Maybe they got a late start and aren't back yet.

I make myself some tea and eat some store-bought melon bread, and after 20 minutes my parents still aren't home. I get up from the dining table and go check their room.

They are still in bed. That's weird. I don't think I have ever woken up and seen the two of them still in bed. Not in a very long time at least. They are such early risers. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

"Hey, mom? Dad? I have to go to school soon, and you have to go to work. You guys stay up late or something?"

No response.

They have their backs to me, and they are both facing my mom's side of the bed, so I walk around. My dad looks asleep. My mother has my dad's arms wrapped around her, and she's tightly holding his hands. Her eyes are closed, but there are tears on her face.

"Mom? What's wrong?"

She doesn't respond at first, so I ask her again. I still get no response. I'm starting to get really scared. I try shaking her, but nothing changes. I'm starting to cry, but I need to hold myself together and figure this out.

I walk around to my dad's side of the bed and put my hand on him and try to wake him up by putting my hand on his shoulder and shaking him. He doesn't respond either. I move back to the other side of the bed to talk to my mom.

"Mom? Wh-what's wrong with you!? What's wrong with dad!?" She doesn't respond.

I drop my cane and put both of my hands on my mother and shake her as violently as I can while screaming, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" She still doesn't respond.

I start bawling uncontrollably. I don't know what to do. I don't understand what happened and why they won't answer me. I…I have to call an ambulance, don't I?

I grab my mom's phone off of the nightstand and dial the emergency number.

A woman's voice answers. "Emergency services, what's your situation?" I do my best to silence the sound of my crying so I can answer intelligibly.

"Um..m-my m-mom and d-dad aren't m-moving or r-responding to me. I th-think something's r-really wrong."

"Okay, we're sending an ambulance and EMTs to your location."

"Th-thank you."

They hang up and then I call the only other person I can think of, my Aunt Chisato. She answers and says, "Hey Emi, you don't normally call me in the morning. What's going on?"

"I-it's K-kayoko."

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

As soon as she asks me, I start bawling again, I can't even bring myself to answer her.

"Where are you, Kayoko?"

"A-at h-home. An a-ambulance is c-coming."

"An ambulance? Are you hurt?"

"N-no…M-mom and d-dad…" is all I can say in response.

"Okay, I'm coming over. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"O-okay."

Before long there is a knock at the door, it's the ambulance people. When I open it, they rush into the house and say, "Where are they!?"

I can't answer in words, so I just walk towards the threshold of the bedroom and point. They rush in there and the first thing they do is try to roll my dad on to his back. They have a hard time though. I guess my mom won't let go of his arms. Eventually, they get him free, and put him on his back. For the first time this morning, my mother responds to something. In a flash, she rolls over and climbs on top of my dad and wraps her arms around him. While sobbing, she screams.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! D-DON'T T-TAKE HIM P-PLEASE! I C-CAN'T! P-PLEASE! J-JUST L-LEAVE HIM!"

"Ma'am…we have to check him, okay? We're just trying to help." When my mom doesn't respond, one of the EMTs peels her off of my dad. She doesn't make it easy for him, she thrashes around, sobbing, while the other one checks my dad. The one examining my father looks at his colleague and shakes his head.

I back away from the door before my feet go out from under me and I fall to the ground. I sit there, sobbing uncontrollably.

Just as all this is happening, my aunt comes through the open front door. She sees me on the ground first and comes over to me. She sees I'm physically okay and then hears the commotion in the bedroom. When she reaches the doorway and sees my mother being restrained and my father lying still on the bed, she falls to her knees and whispers, "No…No…" before she crawls the rest of the way into the room. She puts a hand on my dad's hand and looks at the man standing over my father.

"Is he…?"

He nods, "He's gone. I'm sorry. He has been for some time, probably passed peacefully in the night."

I had already figured out that's what happened since I saw him shake his head but hearing him say it makes it feel even more real. I fully lie down on the ground and put my arms over my face and cry like I've never cried before.

My aunt sobs for a few moments before turning her attention to my mother, who still hasn't stopped trying to escape the grip of the man restraining her. I hear my Aunt talking as calmly to my mother as she can.

"I kn-know this is awful, Emi..…the w-worst thing ever, r-really… but th-these men have to take him. W-we have to t-take care of K-kayoko, okay?"

My mother responds in a quiet, pleading voice. "P-please, Chisato…s-stop them.. I d-don't w-want him to l-leave. I can't…without him…I…I…I…I…..can't."

"I'm sorry, Emi. I…don't want him to go either. But he has to. These men have to take him. I'm…so, so sorry. He's…already gone. He's not here with us anymore. They have to take him. We need to take care of Kayoko, okay? Try to focus on that."

I don't see what happens next, but apparently my mom was subdued, because the two men return to the ambulance before returning with a stretcher and a large black bag, before leaving with the same stretcher and bag. This time it looks like they are carrying something heavy. I'm still sobbing on the floor, so I only catch glimpses of the situation. It's enough for me to understand they took my father away.

After they leave, I hear someone walk up to me, and through my tear-filled blurry eyes I see my Aunt Chisato. She sits down next to me and holds my hand without saying anything for a few moments. She cries with me. After that she pulls herself together enough to say,

"Are you hurt? I mean, your joints."

"N-no. J-just my ankle that was already hurt.…I left my c-cane in there, though."

"Where?"

"On m-my mom's side on the f-floor."

My aunt nods and gets up before returning with my cane.

I sit up and use it to stand up with my aunt's help.

"H-how's mom?" I take a few steps towards the bedroom.

My aunt puts her hand on my shoulder and grips it tightly. It feels more like she's trying to restrain me than comfort me. "She's…she's not well, sweetie. She'll be okay, but right now…she's…she's really not well. I'm going to call Mitsuru, and he's going to come get you, and I'll stay here with her, okay?"

I feel intense anger at her words, and I scream "NO! I'M NOT LEAVING HER!" I rip my shoulder away from her and walk to the bedroom. She follows me.

I see my mom sitting on the floor and slumped against the wall. Her eyes are open. But she's not moving and not saying anything.

"...mommy?"

No response. It's how she was before the ambulance came.

I go sit down next to her. I grab her hand, but she doesn't respond in any way. Her fingers don't even move.

My aunt is watching, so I ask her, "W-what's wrong with her? Did they hurt her?"

"No. She isn't hurt. Not physically. She's in sh-shock. She's…r-really upset."

"This is how she was when I found them. So, she's…so upset she can't move or hear us?"

My aunt nods solemnly.

I start sobbing again and lean into my mom and wrap my arms around her waist.

"I'll just…stay here with her until she's b-better, then."

"Kayoko…"

"I'm not going to leave, so stop. Would you if it was your mom?"

She sighs, "I guess not. I'll stay here with you two."

She sits down on the other side of my mom.

"W-was it his heart?"

"I don't know. I didn't have it together enough to ask. But…probably."

"That's so stupid. He worked so hard to make his heart strong. He had a pacemaker. How is this even fair?"

"It's…it's not, sweetie. Sometimes…life just isn't." She pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. I've never seen her look so helpless. "It wasn't…when I lost Kayoko. It wasn't…when I lost Saki." She starts to bawl. "It w-wasn't t-today, either. They were all w-wonderful people who made the world a b-brighter…b-better place, b-but they all left us too early."

"That's just not fair…how are we supposed to accept that?"

She looks at me, "Well…I tell myself to love people as much as I can while they are here with us. To cherish everyone while we have them and as long as they have us. Because we never really know how long that will be."

"...that sounds good. But…I want more time with my daddy…" I start crying again.

"Me too, sweetie."

My mom stirs a little and turns her head towards me.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

She doesn't really respond and in a very subdued voice she says, "I'm going to go back to bed."

My aunt says, "What? Are you sure?"

My mom nods and starts to move.

"Emi, you don't have your legs on."

"I don't need them."

She is in a daze as she crawls over to the bed and pulls herself on top of it. She gets in on my dad's side of the bed and wraps the blankets around herself in a cocoon and starts crying softly.

"I'm j-just going to…r-rest here for a little while."

"O-okay Emi…we'll let you rest."

My aunt and I leave the room and close the door.

---

After that, my mom didn't leave the bedroom where my father died for more than a week. She was always sleeping in his place on the bed and refused to get up. She wouldn't eat. If someone tried to make her move or eat, she would resist with everything she had. Her mom came and tried her best, but that didn't work. My dad's parents came too, but they didn't have success either. Eventually, my grandma Meiko and my aunt convinced me to go stay in Sendai with her. I ended up spending about a week at their house in Sendai. It was the hardest week of my life, no matter how hard my grandma and Sho tried to cheer me up. It didn't help that I could see that they were both really upset too. I thought maybe I had lost both of my parents that day. But after about a week, my mom called my cell phone and mostly sounded like her old self.

"Hey sweetie. I'm…doing better now. I'm so sorry for…being like that. You can come home whenever you're ready."

"Mom…what happened to you, exactly?"

"Wh-when I woke up…that morning, I saw right away your dad had p-passed. I th-think…I think I…lost my mind. I didn't want to leave that room. Or the bed, even. I just wanted to…pretend he was still with me. Th-that's why I didn't want them to take him. And I-if I didn't leave, I thought maybe it wouldn't feel real. If I just kept sleeping, I d-didn't have to face the fact…that I lost him. The bed …still smelled like him. I could just…close my eyes and p-pretend. Pretend he hadn't left. But I'm better now. Y-you should never have had to see me like th-that, sweetie… I'm so sorry…"

Obviously by this point, I'm crying. "What…pulled you out of it?"

"Your Aunt came to see me every day, despite the fact that I barely responded to her. Mostly…she kept reminding me that I needed to take care of you. She said that's what your dad would want me to do. And she was right. So, I guess the answer is…you did. I love you very much, Kayoko, more than anyone on this earth. And I need to take care of you. I'm your mother. It…it wasn't right of me to abandon you like this. I-it was s-selfish. I'm…I'm so sorry, sweetie. You lost your dad…that was hard enough, but you must have felt like you lost me too. I'm sure it was very hard for you. Please…forgive me if you can. I'm going to do better. I'm getting help."

"It was hard…but of course I forgive you. You…couldn't help it. Any more than I can help it when one of my joints dislocates. I'm just glad you're feeling better. I'll come home as soon as someone can take me, okay?"

My mom, who has been crying softly this whole conversation, starts crying a little more. "Th-thank you sweetie. You're so mature. I'm very proud. Your…your dad was always proud of how you handled this sort of thing. I can't wait to have you home. I love you, so much."

"I love you too mom. See you soon."

[guthrum06]

Author's Note: This is Epilogue 9: Finish Line from Learning to Run, but from Kayoko's perspective.

We're going to visit my dad's grave today. My mom goes almost every week, and I am going with her this time because he died one year ago today. He has a nice grave in the cemetery in town that really isn't far from our house. My mom also had a grave put next to Saki's in Tokyo. Half of his ashes are here, half of them are there.

We walk to it together without saying a word. My mother is already getting very teary-eyed, and I can feel tears welling up inside of me the closer we get to the grave.

We sit in front of his grave and my mom really starts crying, which sends me over the edge too. We lean into each other.

I miss you dad. I go to Yamaku now, like you always wanted. I'm not sure I'm going to do science club, though. I think I'm going to do band. I think you would like that too. It's funny. I feel like I am following in yours and mom's footsteps, but Saki's too. I really wish you were here for all of it.

The new science teacher is nice. She's actually a former student of yours and sometimes I feel like I can hear an echo of you when she's teaching. But she's not you, so it still kind of sucks. I miss playing chess with you, listening to music with you, playing piano for you, running errands with you, talking to you…I just miss everything so much. It's been a year, but I still haven't adjusted to this new normal.

I wonder if you're with Saki now? That would be nice for you, I think. Once I got old enough, I could tell you never stopped loving her. That must have been hard.

Mom is doing okay. She's struggling for sure, more than I think she will tell me. But she's living life and seems fairly happy all things considered. I'm happy too. I wish you were here, but we're doing okay.

I turn to my mom, who has her head bowed and her eyes closed as tears silently streaming down her face.

"Mom?"

She looks up at me with a smile on her moist face.

"Yes, dear?"

"Will you tell me how you and dad met?"

She smiles. "Which time?"

"Didn't you run into him and knock him over both times?"

She laughs. "I sure did. Why do you want to hear it if you already know?"

I shrug. "I like hearing about it. I like all the stories of you two falling in love. You can tell a few of those too, if you want."

"Well, let's see. The first time your dad had just transferred to Yamaku and was only very recently discharged from the hospital. I was in a hurry one day running through the hallway when I ran into him." She pauses, "It was…not good. I hit him in his chest. His heart didn't take too kindly to it, and he had a minor episode. Talk about first impressions, huh?" She laughs. "Then, a few days later he came running with me because he needed to do some cardio, but he didn't stick with it. I um…kind of tried to push him when I shouldn't have. I didn't know the details about his condition, and it probably would have been very bad if he listened to me." She turns and smiles at me. "So, he started swimming with Saki instead."

"What do you think would have happened if he kept running with you back then?"

She furrows her brow. "I've thought about that a lot. But I don't really know. Maybe we would have dated back then, but I think I was way too immature and not ready to open up to someone, so it probably wouldn't have gone well. He would probably just be another guy I dumped for trying to get close to me. I was only able to open up to him in the end because he lost Saki. We had…very similar struggles dealing with loss. So, it sort of seems like he and Saki were destined to end up together anyway, and it all worked out for everyone in the end." She winks at me.

"So, how'd you meet the second time?"

She looks at my dad's gravestone as tears start to fall a little more regularly. "I was running late to teach a first aid workshop for the faculty and staff. Your dad was walking on campus, and I didn't see him until it was too late, and I ran into him." She laughs, "Luckily that time his heart didn't have any problems. I didn't have my blades on so I wasn't anywhere close to full speed. It was much more of a glancing blow. We were both shocked to see each other at Yamaku." She laughs, "Then, it turned out he was going to the seminar I was teaching. We ate lunch after, and I badgered him into running with me. We became friends, eventually fell in love and the rest is history I guess."

"You seriously didn't like him right away?"

She smiles at me. "Nope. It wasn't love at first sight for us. I saw a nice guy who I knew was really struggling, and I knew he had to get in good shape. So, I helped him. I didn't see someone I hoped would be my boyfriend." She laughs, "I mean he was cute, but it still wasn't what I was thinking. Your dad felt the same. It had been six years since he lost Saki and he still wasn't even interested in a relationship with anyone."

"That part always seems crazy to me. You two were so perfect together. I can't imagine you guys not being in love."

She smiles at me. "That makes sense. You only knew us when we were in love. But we were friends first. And I'm glad we were. We really bonded over our struggles with grief and helped each other a lot, and eventually all of that led to love. It led to me being able to open up to him and truly love him in a way I hadn't been able to do with anyone." She looks at me with a smirk on her face "You sure want to talk a lot about our relationship today. Are you feeling well?"

I laugh, "Yes…I just want to know this stuff. I know I've heard some of it. But I want to know more. I think this is a good day to hear about it. They are really nice stories. I want to make sure I hear them…while I can."

My mom looks at the gravestone, clearly understanding what I meant. I wish I had heard more of my dad's stories. I want to hear these stories before she passes away too. I don't think that will happen soon, but…you never know.

"Okay. Anything else you want to hear?"

"When did you know that you were in love with him?"

She smiles the widest smile I've seen today. "Well, we went to the beach with your aunt and uncle. We had been very close friends for about 6 months at that point. Your aunt pointed out that it seemed like I was in love with him and completely unaware of it. She was right. I…had never been in love before, so I didn't realize it. I realized I felt a physical attraction to him that day, to go along with the deep emotional bond we already had built." She smiles broadly, clearly remembering that feeling. "I found out later that he started to feel something that day too." She laughs and says, "Basically, in a really roundabout way, I'm saying we saw each other in our swimsuits for the first time and it had an effect on us."

I would have gotten it without her explaining in such…gross detail. But… given what day it is and where we are, I guess I won't say anything about it.

"And then you started dating?"

"Um…not quite. I was really afraid of losing our friendship. Your dad had mentioned many times that he wasn't interested in romance or any of that, so I was very cautious. Eventually, I realized he was attracted to me too. A couple months after the beach, I confessed to him."

"Months? That's crazy."

"I'm glad I was cautious, because even after waiting that long I freaked your dad out with my confession. He came around after a couple of days, though." She winks.

"And then you started dating?"

She laughs, "Yes, dear. We have finally reached that point."

"You guys went to that French restaurant in the city for your first date, right?"

She nods, "Yep. Our first date was…magical. He took me to a viewing platform too where we watched fireworks." A few fresh tears fall down her face.

"Dad really knew how to plan a date."

She laughs and wipes away a few tears, "Yes. He sure did."

"And how long was it before he proposed to you?"

"Almost four years. He just wasn't ready before then. I was ready after about a year." She laughs. "But it was worth the wait. He proposed to me on the old Yamaku track of all places." She sighs. It sounds equal parts happy and sad. "It was a special place for us. We were kind of sad when they got rid of it for the new indoor track."

I feel myself getting really choked up after all of these stories. They loved each other so much. How is she still standing?

"You two were so lovey-dovey, even in your 50s. It made me kind of sick when I had to see you two…all over each other all the time. Like, whose parents kiss and snuggle like that in front of them?" I stick out my tongue and make a grossed out noise.

My mother rolls her eyes at me. "How very traumatic for you."

I laugh, "But now I like looking back on it. You two were so in love. I hope I find a love like that someday." I reach out and squeeze my mom's hand. "I'm sorry you lost that, mom…. I really miss him, too." We both start crying a little more intensely now. In fact, I seem to be crying harder now than she is.

My mother puts her arms around me and I cry into her shoulder. "Your father was a wonderful man. He loved us so much and we loved him just as much. So, it's only natural that he would leave such a hole in our hearts. But you know what? I'm happy we had him for all the time we did. We have lots of wonderful memories with him that we'll always be able to cherish."

I look up at her and sniffle. "What's your favorite memory of him?"

She blinks a few times. "That's…a hard question. Give me a second…"

I guess that makes sense, she has a lot to choose from.

"I think it was when we first met you at the orphanage. We both loved you the moment we saw you. The smile he had on his face when he first saw you was one of the most beautiful things I ever saw. And it's how he always smiled at you, so I got to see it a lot. He picked you up and I got on your other side, and we just stood there snuggling you. It was one of the most perfect moments in my life."

I sniffle, doing my best to hold back a torrent of tears. I knew the story of them meeting me, but not with these extra details about dad's smile. "That's really nice. I…wish I could remember…that day."

She rubs my back with her hand. "That would be nice, but I'm sure you have lots of nice things you do remember. You put me on the spot. Now it's your turn. What's your favorite memory of your father?"

I don't have to think too hard for my answer. There is one clear winner for me.

"I was probably 7, I guess? I hurt my ankle the day before the Yamaku festival, and I was kind of down about it because I didn't think I would be able to do all the stuff I wanted to. But dad made sure we got a kid's wheelchair in time and pushed me around all night, helped me play the games I wanted to. We even caught a goldfish. Then he carried me up to the roof for the fireworks and held me the whole time. I forgot all about being hurt."

My lip starts trembling. I'm not going to be able to hold these tears anymore.

"I had j-just as m-much fun as I had the year b-before. M-maybe m-more..."

I lean my head forward and cradle it into my hands as I start sobbing uncontrollably.

I miss him so much. I want new memories with him. This isn't fair.

My mom wraps her arms around her and rocks me. "Yes, I remember that night. He was such a good dad. He loved you so much, Kayoko. With memories like that, you'll always be able to feel how much he loved you. Even if he isn't with us anymore."

She's right. But this only makes me cry even more intensely.

I'm glad I have the memories I do. But I want more. I should have more. I'm only 16. I should still have my dad.

Eventually, I cry myself out. My mom gives me a handkerchief to wipe away my tears. I kind of wanted to take care of my mom today. I didn't think she'd end up having to take care of me.

She says, "Why don't we go home? I'll make you and your dad's favorite meal, and then we can watch a movie or something."

I nod and we get up together and link arms as we walk back home.

"Can we play chess instead of a movie?"

She sighs, "Yes, if that's what you want to do. Do you enjoy beating up on your old mother?"

"Hey, you beat me sometimes. I thought it would be nice to play today because dad loved it so much."

She chuckles, "Yes, that's true. You know, I only ever beat your father a handful of times over the course of what had to be 500 games. At least I beat you more often than that."

I smile at her, "Only a little more often. But yeah, that's why I had him teach me instead of you." I stick my tongue out at her.

She pokes me in the side playfully, "Now I'm not going to show you any mercy, little girl. You've asked for it."

I laugh. "Oh, I'm so scared, mom."

I love you dad. I'll be back soon.

[Map217]

Left a review over on fanfiction.net about this chapter specifically but didn't realize the comments/reviews there aren't tied to the chapter you post them under.

But I'll repeat what I said there. This chapter hurts so fucking much man. Straight up soul crushing.

Anyways, you really do got a nice story going here and your writing/prose have improved a lot since your earlier stuff.

[guthrum06]

Left a review over on fanfiction.net about this chapter specifically but didn't realize the comments/reviews there aren't tied to the chapter you post them under.

But I'll repeat what I said there. This chapter hurts so fucking much man. Straight up soul crushing.

Anyways, you really do got a nice story going here and your writing/prose have improved a lot since your earlier stuff.

Thanks! I felt bad for Emi and Kayoko, when I wrote it. Hopefully your soul can recover, as theirs did.

Thanks for the comment about improving. I write professionally, but only non-fiction. Learning to Run was the first time in my life I ever had the itch to write fiction, so I'm glad I have improved since then.

[guthrum06]

Afternoon classes just got out, and I'm on my way to the performing arts center. Today, I'm officially going to join band. That means no more science club, but I had to pick one or the other, and I've made my choice. Like Aunt Chisato said, my dad would be pretty happy to see me in the band too.

I cross paths with Daisuke on my way there. He's probably on the way to science club. As usual, my heart skips a beat when I see him. 

He notices we're walking in different directions, so he turns around and walks alongside me. "Hey Kayoko, no science club today?"

Maybe I SHOULD choose science club instead?

No! Don't let a boy you like sway you, Nakai!

I shake my head, "N-no. Sorry. I think I'm going to switch to band full time. I wish I could do both."

"Oh. Well, I understand. I made the same choice, just in the opposite direction." He laughs. "Have fun with those band nerds, though."

I giggle, "Y-you know, your mom says the science club is where the nerds are."

He scoffs. "Does she now? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. To be honest, we're probably all nerds."

I laugh, "You're probably r-right."

While I'm still laughing and looking at Daisuke, I step on a rock on the path and my ankle goes out from under me. An instant later my chin hits the concrete with a sickening thud. My ankle hurts like hell and my chin doesn't feel great either. As usual, the pain is enough that I can't help but moan.

Why is this happening again when Daisuke is with me?

Well, Nakai, it's probably because you weren't being careful enough and watching your step since you were too busy laughing and looking at him.

Daisuke crouches down with me and checks the situation.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Need…nurse."

"I can carry you, it isn't too far. Should I do that or run and get a wheelchair?"

I'll probably bounce some if he carries me and that will hurt, but it will also be much faster. I also don't want to be left alone just lying here for that long.

"Carry…"

He nods and then bends over. I put my arms around his neck. He puts his arms under me and lifts me like I don't weigh anything. My face is very close to his. I can see he's worried about me. Even with the pain I'm in right now, it feels amazing to be this close to him. I notice I am bleeding from my chin, and I got some of it on his uniform. He doesn't seem to care. He's just focused on helping me.

He carries me to the medical building and puts me down on a bed. The nurse is currently with someone, but after a few minutes she sees me, and she runs to examine me with a serious look on her face.

"What happened? You have a pretty nasty scrape on your chin."

That's the least of my issues, lady. But I guess she sees me bleeding from the face and that's what she's concerned about first.

"Dislocated…ankle…fell."

She nods and looks at my ankle, "Oh. Let's take care of that first."

Yes, please.

I look to Daisuke, and he gives me his hand like last time. He's so sweet to me.

As usual, I can't help but yelp in pain when she gets the joint back in place. But the pain gets much better after that.

"Okay, now that we fixed that…in addition to the usual stuff I need to get your chin cleaned up and check you for a concussion."

I nod and turn to Daisuke. "You don't have to stay for all of this. I'm doing better now."

"Would it help you if I stayed?"

I blush. "Um…yes. It would. B-but you have science club."

He smiles at me. "Then I'll stay. They'll be okay without me for one day."

Daisuke sits patiently with me as I'm checked for a concussion, which luckily, I don't have. He's also there for the usual tests and treatment.

After everything, the nurse says, "So, I think it would be best if you used a wheelchair until your ankle gets better."

I sigh, "Really? A cane or crutches won't work?"

"You could try those at home…but I don't like the unnecessary risk here. You have to walk a lot when on campus. If you are using a cane or crutches, it is very easy for you to fall again using those and hurt something else. I think recovering in a wheelchair is going to be best."

I nod, "Okay. Let's do that, then."

The nurse smiles at me. "You are taking this surprisingly well, as usual."

"Well…not my first time in a wheelchair. I wish I didn't have to use one, but it's fine."

"Okay, let me get you one."

She comes back with a wheelchair. She and Daisuke help me get into it.

I can't believe he stayed with me through all of this and missed his club activities.

I reach out for his hand, and to my surprise he gives it to me. I squeeze his hand and my heart skips a beat. "Th-thank you for all your help, Daisuke."

He smiles, "No problem. I can take you wherever you want to go, too. Where should I take you?"

I check the time, "My mom has track club and I don't want to make her cut that short. After this, I don't have it in me for band today. I guess I will probably just go wait in the library."

He raises his eyebrows, "You just went through all this and that's where you want to go?"

I sigh, "Well I would like to lay down I guess, but I don't have a way to do that. I guess I could stay here, they might have a bed available, but someone else might need it if there's an emergency."

"I can take you to my dorm room. You can rest there."

Did he just…invite me to his room? I want to do a cartwheel. Not that I can do one even when my ankle isn't messed up.

"O-oh. Um. That's a good idea." I smile up at him. "Let's do that."

Daisuke takes me to his dorm room, which is a sparsely decorated place. Lots of books. Not much else.

He helps me get into his bed. He takes a seat in his desk chair.

He just really helped me and went above and beyond by staying with me through everything. Then he invited me to his room. Does that mean something? Maybe not given the bad shape I'm in. Still…he also let me hold his hand, even after I wasn't in pain. I don't know if I can take this anymore. These feelings just keep getting more intense. Carsten is right. I think I have to tell him. However, there is one more thing I can try that might make me more confident.

"Um…Daisuke?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind…stroking my back with your fingers? My…dad used to do it. It a-always helps me on days like these."

I feel kind of bad for using this. It's true that my dad did that and I really miss it. But I think if I can get him to touch me again, I will feel better about confessing.

"Uhm…sure."

He scoots the chair closer to the bed and puts his hand on my back. It feels amazing.

"Like…this?" He uses his fingers to go up and down my back.

"Yeah, that's good. Thank you."

It feels so nice to have him touching me. I have to tell him. Even if I get rejected, these feelings are too strong. I have to let him know I have them.

He strokes my back for several more minutes and then I roll over and look him in the eyes.

"Thanks s-so much for helping me today, Daisuke."

He smiles. "No problem, Kayoko. I was glad I could help."

I smile back at him but then break eye contact. I don't know if I can say this to him while staring into his eyes like this.

"There's…something I have to tell you."

"Oh? What is it?"

"I've had a crush on you f-for a long time…and I thought it might go away. But it hasn't. So…I think I just want you to know…that I like you. I…would…like to be your girlfriend. If you feel the same."

I almost said I 'love' him, but I think telling him that might scare him.

His immediate response is a frown. My heart sinks.

"I'm…really sorry, Kayoko. I thought you knew."

It feels like a bomb went off inside my chest.

I want to run away and cry. And running is a really bad idea for me right now. But I just might do it anyway.

"Kn-knew what? Do you have a girlfriend? I didn't know, I'm sorr-"

"Uhm…no, it isn't that. Not exactly. I'm gay. I…have a boyfriend. It's Kaito, you met him."

"Oh…I didn't know that. Sorry."

How was I supposed to know? You didn't tell me.

He sits on the bed next to me and drapes his arm over my shoulders.

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who should be sorry…I just rejected your confession. I'm sure that hurt you. You probably don't want to hear this right now, but you're like a little sister to me…I love you like family. And making you feel this way isn't what I want to be doing."

So, my mom is right again. He's so sweet to me and helps me so much because I'm like a sister. It isn't because he likes me.

"Um…i-it's okay.. I…think I'm gonna go."

I'm about to burst into tears and I don't want him to see that.

He gets a concerned look on his face.

"Listen, I should have told you about this outright. I am…struggling with how to tell people about it. So, I'm sorry I didn't."

It isn't fair of me…but I really feel like I need to get away from him right now.

"It's okay. I'm sure that's hard. Can you bring the wheelchair over here?"

"Kayoko, if you need some space right now why don't you just stay here and I'll go. You're hurt."

I nod and he gets up and leaves. Once he does I lay back in his bed and put my arms over my face and I cry.

It isn't fair of me to be upset about this. He's gay. He has a boyfriend. Of course he isn't going to accept my confession and I shouldn't hold that against him.

I'm not mad at him at all. But…I do love him. I want to be his girlfriend. The fact he isn't rejecting me just because he doesn't like me makes it hurt a little bit less, I guess, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to be with him, and I can't be.

Why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I tell that Kaito was his boyfriend. I mean I guess he has sort of hidden it from me…but he said he thought I knew. I think that must mean he thought it should have been obvious when I spent time with them. I was just too stupid to see it because of my own feelings. I thought maybe he invited me because he wanted Kaito's opinion about me, but he actually invited me so that his boyfriend could meet someone who is like family to him. I'm so STUPID.

My phone rings. It is my mom. She must be done with track club and seeing where I am. I do my best to pull myself together and answer the phone.

"Hey, mom."

"...Kayoko? Is everything okay?"

I guess I didn't do a very good job.

"Um…yeah. I just hurt my ankle today and I'm not happy about that. I'm using a wheelchair for a bit."

"Oh. That stinks. Where are you? Do you want me to come and get you?"

"No, I can get to you. I'll be there in a few minutes."

I hang up and then realize the wheelchair isn't somewhere I can easily get it and I don't want to hurt myself more. I think about trying anyway because I don't want to have to ask Daisuke, but ultimately it isn't worth the risk. I sigh, and call Daisuke.

He answers the call somewhat timidly. I wonder if he thinks I'm going to yell at him or something.

"Hey, Kayoko."

"Hey. Um, my mom is ready to go, and I need to get to her but I can't get to the wheelchair. Can you come help me?"

"Yeah, sure. Be there in a few."

He gets there a few minutes later and moves the wheelchair for me. He gets there a few minutes later and moves the wheelchair for me. Then he helps me get in it.

"Do you want me to take you to your mom?"

"No, I can get myself there." I say this much more curtly than I mean to.

I roll towards the door.

"Kayoko…"

"What?"

"I just…I really am sorry. I know that doesn't help at all, but I just… I don't know what else I can say."

I sigh, "It's okay. I'll be okay. I…think I need some space for a bit. But it'll all be fine in the end. I think we can go back to normal eventually."

He nods with a solemn look on his face as he opens the door for me, and I roll down the hallway to the elevator.

...

I don't say much to my mom on the drive home, and surprisingly she lets me stay silent. I lock myself in my room once we get home and wallow in self-pity.

However, by the time we've finished dinner she has clearly gotten concerned.

"Sweetie…I know you hurt your ankle today, and that's crappy. But I've never seen you like this about one of your injuries. I thought you might have been crying when I called you, and you've been so quiet tonight. Did…something else happen?"

Why does she have to be right about EVERYTHING? I may as well just tell her.

I sigh, "Yeah. I confessed to a guy, and he rejected me."

My mom gets up and sits next to me and gives me a hug.

"I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

The fact it's Daisuke makes this…awkward, but I'm hoping things will be normal again between us eventually. If they can get normal between me and Daisuke, I think people outside the situation should be able to get normal too. Plus, I really need to talk about this.

"I guess so. Um…it was Daisuke."

My mom's eyes go wide, "Our Daisuke?"

"Um…yeah, sure. If you want to call him that. The one I've known my whole life. I fell in love with him these last few months when we were seeing him a lot more. I think he's really handsome and such a great guy. I thought it was a crush, but it wouldn't go away and it was so strong. I told him today after he helped me when I got hurt and was really sweet to me. I really thought…he might like me." A few tears run down my face.

My mom hugs me again, "I'm sorry, sweetie. Getting rejected stinks."

I scoff at her. "The way you make it sound, you were the one doing all the rejecting."

She laughs, "That was mostly true. But I too have known rejection. Back when I was at Yamaku, I really liked the track captain and I tried to get with him. It…turned out he was gay."

Wow. Maybe my mom can relate to this. But…I guess Daisuke doesn't want people to know about him. I don't think I can just tell her that part. Not yet anyway. But maybe I can get some advice from her without telling her.

"What did you do?"

"Well, it hurt my feelings a little bit. But…I don't think I would say I was in love with him like you are with Daisuke. Remember, this was the young version of me. I…mostly just wanted to sleep with him."

"Ah…yeah, I guess that's not the same."

"But you know, when I first confessed to your father he ran away."

"Ran away? I mean, you told me it took him a couple of days…."

"It did. But he ran away first without saying a word. And didn't say anything to me until many hours later. Those…were a rough few hours."

I cross my arms. "What?!…I can't even…dad did that?! That's messed up. If he were here, I would scold him. Maybe I'll scold him anyway. He might be able to hear me, right?"

She laughs, "Don't be too mad at him. He was really struggling with things. With his feelings for Saki, his feelings for me. He didn't know what to do. He had to sort it all out. He felt very bad about it and apologized later for running away. My only point is…the way I felt for those few hours was really tough. And I'm sure it's close to what you're feeling now, and I'm sorry."

I sigh, "I guess this is just part of high school, huh? So far, I haven't liked confessions of love very much. I hurt my friend's feelings when he confessed to me and I rejected him, and now I'm upset when I confessed to someone, and they rejected me. Good stuff. Kind of makes me not want to even bother."

My mom squeezes my shoulder, "Well, there's no reason you have to rush into it or anything. But I think if you're already starting to feel feelings for people like you did for Daisuke, it will happen again. And next time hopefully it goes a little better. Are you mad at Daisuke?"

"Um…no, not mad. He…can't help feeling how he does. Just like I can't. But I think I need some space from him for a bit. I told him that. I hope we can be friends again but right now it kind of hurts to be around him. I need these feelings I have for him to calm down."

"Yeah, space will help with that. Listen, why don't we get this off your mind for now. Want to play the piano for me? Or beat me at chess?"

"I think piano. I was hoping to play today before I got hurt."

My mom nods, "Sounds good to me. I'd like to listen. I will do the dishes and be right over."

She gathers up the dishes and puts them in the sink while I roll over to the piano in the corner of our living room, next to a bookshelf with all of Saki's music. It is one of my aunt's old pianos, but it is in great shape. The one she has now is top of the line, so the one she gave us is still one that any pianist would be happy to have. There's a picture of my very young dad, Chisato, and Saki on the top of the piano. They are all dressed formally and sitting on a piano bench together. It's from the night before they graduated from Yamaku. The same night my dad proposed to Saki. It's kind of crazy I am only two years younger than them now. I can't imagine wanting to marry someone within the next two years. Their situation was complicated, but still. I'm so engrossed in the picture that I don't notice my mom has come and taken a seat on the couch near the piano.

"That's a good one, isn't it? Want to know something crappy?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I wasn't there."

"...you mean, in the picture?"

She shakes her head, "I wasn't there for that recital at all. I don't even remember what I was doing, to be honest."

"Oh. Well, you weren't really close with any of them then, right?"

"No, I wasn't. But there's a lot of stuff I regret from back then. Once I loved your dad and your aunt it was tough looking back on all the time I missed with them when we were all at Yamaku. Honestly, I love Saki too in a way. So, it would have been nice to see the incredible performance the two of them put on."

I kind of know what she means. I never knew Saki, but I feel very close to her as a result of her music and all the stories I've heard over the years. She's sort of an honorary member of our family. I don't think it would be a stretch to say I love her. At least as much as I can love someone I've never met.

"So, I would have liked to see that moment. I guess I'm just saying, I wish I'd been there. It was an amazing moment in all their lives. And I missed it because I was doing stuff that didn't matter."

"Oh. Well, that makes sense. It would be really cool to go back in time and see it." I laugh, "If I ever invent a time machine that's where we will go first, okay?"

She laughs, "Sounds good."

"In the meantime, I think I can play the song they played together. I can only play the piano part though. You don't secretly play the violin do you, mom?"

She laughs, "Nope. I can't even read music. Or even talk about it beyond being able to say, 'that sounds pretty.' I ended up very out of place in this family in that way, didn't I?

I smirk at her, "Maybe a little." I roll over and grab Saki's first music book and open it to the front. The first song in the book is a different spin on a song by a composer named Pachelbel, one written by Saki, Chisato, and their friend Kayoko, who I'm named after. I remember when I was little and just starting to be able to read my name, I saw that this book was dedicated to Kayoko, and I thought Saki meant me. I felt very special.

I roll back to the piano and open the book to the page and prop it up. "Yep, here it is. It isn't quite a time machine, but it's the best I can do."

As I play the song, I try to imagine that night. I glance over at my mom and her eyes are closed as she sways to the music. I think she's doing the same.

When I finish the song, my mom claps and I smile at her. I play a few more songs from Saki's book and my mom happily listens. But it's starting to get late. My mom looks especially tired.

"Well, that's enough for tonight. You look like you need to go to bed anyway."

She yawns, "Yes, probably. Not all of us can sleep late, you know."

I roll my eyes, "I don't even sleep late. I just don't get up at 5:00 a.m. like you do."

She stands up and yawns while she stretches, "Well, I have to get a run in, don't I?"

I smile at her, "Yes, you do. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Just don't tell me I get up late."

She pats me on the shoulder, "Fine, fine. Thanks for playing for me. Do you think you'll need help with anything getting ready for bed?"

"I shouldn't. She said I can use a cane at home, actually. That will make it easier."

"Okay, well. Let me know if you need anything."

She only has to bend down a tiny bit to kiss me on the top of my head. Even sitting in a wheelchair she isn't that much taller than me.

"Goodnight sweetie. Sleep well. I'm really sorry you had such a tough day. Tomorrow will be better."

I hug my mom around her waist which takes her slightly by surprise based on the squeaking sound she makes.

"Thanks mom. I've…really liked our talks lately. About love and romance and stuff. Thanks for helping me."

She pats me on the head, "No problem, sweetie. I've liked them too. It's been really nice. You know…I was never like this with my mother, I wasn't open about stuff with her. I already feel bad about that, but now I feel even worse because I know how nice it feels to be able to talk to your daughter about these things. I'm glad you are open with me."

I smile up at her, "I'm glad you're open with me too. I don't think most moms tell their daughters they slept with a bunch of guys." I giggle.

She pinches my cheeks, "I told you that as part of an important life lesson, okay! And you asked! It isn't like I just volunteered the information."

I laugh, "I know. I'm just teasing you. Sleep well, mom."

[guthrum06]

The next morning when I wake up, I feel a lot better than I expected to after how bad yesterday was. I'm still kind of bummed out, but definitely not what I would call depressed.

...

When I roll into the classroom, my classmate Ai immediately approaches me. She's small, maybe even smaller than my mom,. She has brown eyes and long red hair that she always wears in a thick braid. She's my only classmate who uses a wheelchair. We aren't particularly close, but I guess it makes sense this situation would catch her attention.  

She parks herself across from me and says, "What happened?"

"I hurt my ankle pretty bad yesterday, so I'll be in a wheelchair for a little bit."

"Well, I guess that's okay. Being in a wheelchair is kind of my thing though. We can't have two cute wheelchair girls in this class, so make sure you aren't in one too long." She giggles. I find it hard not to giggle with her.

"I'll do my best. I should tell you that with my condition I'll probably be in one periodically over the next three years we have class together. I'll do my best not to hog the spotlight, though." We laugh together again.

Carsten walks in while we're talking and looks surprised to see me in a wheelchair. I guess I can't blame him. I can't remember if I ever told him that this happens sometimes.

He takes his seat and says, "Did you get hurt yesterday?"

I keep a completely serious face and say, "Yeah. What tipped you off?"

Ai and Carsten both laugh, then I tell him what happened.

He nods, "That's good you won't be in one too long."

Ms. Hamada walks in and she does a double take when she sees me too. I'm fairly used to this at this point, but I forget that it is surprising to other people for me to show up in a wheelchair. I actually need to tell her something, so I go up to her desk.

"Hi, Ms. Hamada."

"Hey there, Nakai. Are you doing okay?"

I nod, "Yeah, just going to be in this for a week or two. I wanted to tell you something."

"This is about science club, isn't it?"

"Um…yeah. I won't be joining. Not as a full-time member anyway. I decided to do band. Sorry. I wish I could do both."

She smiles, "That's okay. You're welcome to attend any time."

When I turn around to go back to my seat, I see that Ai and Carsten are talking and laughing together. It looks like there's a bit of flirting going on. She returns to her spot before I get back and I smirk at Carsten as I take my place.

He says, "What?"

And I say, "Oh, nothing."

...

When the lunch bell rings, Carsten says, "Do you want me to push you?"

"…you know, that might be nice. Sure. I guess we'll go to the cafeteria and then our usual place?"

Carsten nods and then takes my wheelchair, and we head for the elevator. Ai follows right behind us, and when we're in the elevator she makes an over-the-top pouty face and says, "You know, Carsten, I've been in a wheelchair this whole time and you've never once offered to push me." We both giggle as Carsten gets flustered.

"Well…I…um…you're right. I could push you sometime."

She laughs, "I'm just messing with you." She winks at me. "Besides, as a full-time wheelchair girl I usually don't need the help." She flexes her arms, and she has some very large and well-definitioned biceps for such a small girl.

I laugh, "Those are pretty impressive."

As the elevator opens she says, "I know, right?" Before rolling out on her own at break-neck speed. Seeing her speeding around in her wheelchair, I realize that Ai reminds me a bit of my mother, especially what she must have been like when she was in high school. They are both small and flirty, have a similar sense of humor, and like to move at dangerous speeds. Maybe in her third year she'll end up knocking down a guy that she'll marry 20 years later.

We get some lunch at the cafeteria before heading out to the quad. Our slower than normal speed means that Akari beats us there. I've seen Akari every day for a while now, and I think she's got at least 20 headbands. All of them slightly different shades of pink with different designs on them. They are definitely cute on her, but the girl needs to branch out into some other colors. She gets a look of concern on her face when she sees me.

Carsten pushes me into the grass, and I stay seated in the wheelchair while he joins Akari in the grass. I'm more than a little jealous. One of the nice things about eating out here is how nice the grass feels.

Akari asks, "Y-you got hurt again? I was w-wondering where you were in band yesterday."

I nod, "Yep. It's my ankle this time."

"Did someone kn-knock you over again?"

I laugh, "Nope. I did it all on my own this time. Well, I stepped on a rock. I guess you can blame the rock if you want to."

She giggles, "You'll be in b-band today?"

"Yep. Luckily hurting my legs doesn't stop me from playing piano, although it is a little harder."

She smiles, "That's good. Y-you really handle your i-injuries well."

Carsten nods, "She does, doesn't she? It's impressive."

I shrug, "I guess so. I think in a weird way I'm just used to it. I've been dealing with this since the day I was born. Literally. My parents told me I dislocated some stuff that day. So, sure, I'm not happy to be in a wheelchair, but I know it's temporary and necessary."

"That's…a really good attitude to have. I'm still upset about what happened to my leg…"

"W-well…I think that makes sense. You weren't b-born that way. I-it was more recent, and i-it isn't temporary. The w-way it h-happened was awful too…it would upset a-anyone."

Wait, she knows how it happened? I have been curious about that myself but didn't ask. They must be talking some when I'm not around. That's an interesting development. I feel a little left out not knowing Carsten's story.

Carsten nods, "That's true."

"Um…how did it happen? If you don't mind me asking."

Akari looks at me with surprise. I guess she probably thought I knew because I've known him longer.

He looks around, checking to see if anyone is looking or listening. He decides the coast is clear.

He gets an extremely serious look on his face. "Um…I have always been bullied a lot, in school. There are always kids who will decide to be mean to me just because I look different, or I have an accent, or whatever. Until last year things stayed fairly innocent…as far as bullying goes, I guess. Just name calling and stuff. But last year things got worse. Um…eventually these four guys who had been tormenting me for years took it to another level. They wanted to scare me, so they took me to the roof of the school and wanted to sort of play like they were going to throw me off it. They were dangling me off the roof and stuff. Well, one of them lost their grip and I really fell. I could have died, if I had landed wrong, but my leg took most of it. My entire tibia was shattered into a million pieces." He forces a laugh, "Sacrificed itself for the rest of my body, I guess."

I can't help but gasp and put my hand to my mouth. "Carsten…I'm so sorry. That really is awful. No wonder you're upset about it. Akari's right, my condition and what you went through are very different things. It makes sense you're upset. What happened to those awful bullies?"

"They all got expelled and the principal also got fired. It ended up being a PR nightmare for the school, because it ended up being a huge story in Germany. I don't know how much of that was organic though, I think my parents stirred things up."

"Well, I think they were right to. That whole story makes me so mad. Um…have you been bullied at all here?"

He shakes his head, "Not at all. Which surprised me a little. I mean, we are older now, I'm sure there's less bullying at this age anyway. But I still thought I'd deal with some of it. I guess it's because so many people here look different for a variety of reasons. So, people don't really stop to think about the fact I'm not Japanese. Not as much, anyway."

"That's good. Guess no one will have to get run over then." We all laugh.

I look up and see Daisuke and his boyfriend walking by. Kaito has his arm so that Daisuke can guide him. My heart sinks. I was doing well until I saw him. Apparently, this is obvious to my friends.

"E-everything okay, Kayoko?"

I force a smile, "Hm? Yeah. Everything's fine. Just tired I think."

Luckily the bell rings and I don't have to continue to pretend I'm fine. We get up and head back to class. When we get in the elevator alone, Carsten asks, "Are you sure everything's okay? You don't really look like yourself."

It really isn't fair for me to talk to him about this. Does he feel the same way about me as I do about Daisuke? Does he need space from me, and he just isn't asking for it?

I sigh. "Yesterday I confessed to Daisuke, and he rejected me. So, I'm just dealing with that."

The elevator opens.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about that some more?"

"Not right now. We have to go to class. I'll tell you more about it later."

...

When class is over, I don't let Carsten help me and I roll out of the room on my own and wait for him outside the door.

He's one of the last people out of the class, and when he comes out, I say, "I know we both have club stuff, but I want to talk to you real quick, if that's okay." He nods.

We go to a quiet corner in the hallway on the first floor, which is largely empty when classes aren't in session. Most of the rooms for clubs are on the second floor or in other buildings. He sits down on a bench and I position myself in front of him.

"Is this about Daisuke?" He asks.

"Yeah. I um…it hurt me, when he rejected me. And I told him I needed space for a little while."

He nods, "Yeah that makes sense."

"Does it? Then…I guess…why don't you want space from me? I just want to make sure you're doing what's best for you. Doesn't it suck being around me when you have feelings for me, and you know I don't feel the same way?"

He sighs, "I don't know. Sometimes it sucks, I guess. But I like being around you as your friend. I think it's a fair trade."

"I guess you're a bigger person than me. I like being around Daisuke too but…right now, I can't do it."

I put my hand on his shoulder, "Listen, if you ever feel like you need some space, just tell me, okay? It doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore if you do that."

He nods, "Okay. I'll let you know. I don't think I need it right now, though. Um…I'm sorry he turned you down though. I guess I steered you wrong?"

"No, I don't think so. I think I'll be glad I told him in the long run. Just like you said. It sucks for now, but that's okay. Anyway, we should get going to our clubs I guess." I turn my wheelchair around and head for the door. "Have a good time newspapering."

He laughs, "You have a good time…banding…I guess?"

I give him a thumbs up as I head to the building's exit.

...

When I get to band practice, I see many of the same reactions I've seen so far today. People are surprised to see me in a wheelchair because I'm not normally. Except Akari, of course. Hideki, the other pianist, comes up to me and asks the same question I've heard several times today,

"What happened?"

"I hurt my ankle. I'll just be in this for a week or two."

"Will you be able to play?"

"Yep, I've played in a wheelchair before. It's doable."

He smiles, "Good."

I really appreciate Hideki. He's a third-year student who has taken to mentoring me when he doesn't really have to. He's even let me split time with him during band practice, something that he definitely doesn't have to do.

He also happens to be easy on the eyes. He's one of the tallest students at the school, and he has light brown hair and eyes that almost match one another entirely. Because he plays piano like me, I've also spent a lot of time looking at his hands and I've found myself sort of hypnotized by them when he plays. They are very large, with long, slender fingers. Perfect for playing piano.

My Aunt Chisato appears next, and she doesn't look too surprised. My mom must have told her.

She comes up to me and puts her hands on her hips while looking me up and down. "I guess you had a good reason for missing band yesterday, huh?"

I laugh, "That's up to you, I guess. Oh, I have news you'll be happy about. I've decided to join the band officially."

Her face lights up and she bends over to put her hands on my shoulders. "THANK GOD!"

My Aunt tends to get a little loud when she's excited. Now all the students are looking at us. This is enough even to embarrass my normally unshakeable aunt.

She clears her throat and stands up, "Uhm…sorry everyone. Kayoko just told me she will officially be joining us, and I got excited."

God, this is embarrassing…

The students, not knowing what to do about this announcement, unenthusiastically applaud. Well, not everyone is unenthusiastic. Akari and Hideki both look happy. But most of these people don't know me that well, I certainly didn't want this to be announced to everyone like I'm a big deal. Hopefully this doesn't create problems for me. The fact I'm so close with the band teacher probably already makes things look a little sketchy.

Oh well. At least I made this decision, and I'm excited about it overall.

...

After band practice, I meet up with mom. After I get into the car my mom spends several minutes trying to get the wheelchair into the trunk. I hear several curse words.

She gets into the car out of breath.

"You know, I can probably get someone from band to come and help with the wheelchair."

"…that's probably a good idea."

"Wow, really?"

"Yes, what's so strange about it?"

"I dunno. You aren't always good at letting people help."

She scoffs, "Well, as you have so nicely been telling me of late, I am old. And also, quite small. I think that wheelchair might outweigh me."

I giggle. "It might. I guess this is the first time I've needed one since we lost dad. He was better at it."

She laughs, "He was, but I think I do a pretty good job for my size. Show me another 60-year-old lady under 50 kilograms who can even get that thing in the trunk."

"Yep, that's true mom." I pat her on the shoulder, "Good job."

She looks at me out of the corner of her eye. "I feel like I'm being patronized."

"Anyway, there was something I wanted to ask you about. You know how Chisato, Mitsuru, and Daisuke come over for dinner most Sundays?"

Ugh.

"Yeah."

"Are you…okay with that this week? We can make an excuse or something."

I sigh. "No, no. It should be fine."

"Are you sure?"

I shift in my seat a little while I think about it. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I can handle spending some time with him with everyone else around. I need to…grow up about this anyway, I think."

"Okay. I will tell them it's on then. If you change your mind, we can always back out."

My mom parks the car at our house.

I smile, "Thanks, mom. Now then…are you going to get the wheelchair out?"

She glares at me and curses under her breath.

"What was that?"

She answers with an overly cheery voice. "Nothing, my dear. I will get it for you."

---

It's Sunday and Daisuke and his parents will be here later. I think I need to take a nap to prepare.

When I wake up from my nap, I hear the cheerful sound of my mom talking with my aunt and uncle. I'm not sure whether Daisuke is here yet. But even if he is…I'll be fine. I grab my cane and get out of bed and look at myself in the mirror.

Yep, I definitely look like I just woke up from a nap.

I brush my hair and put on a clean change of clothes. Then I take a deep breath before opening the door. When I do, I see that it's only my aunt and uncle right now.

My mom smiles at me, "Hey sweetie, I'm glad you got up. It's almost dinner time."

"Well, you know me, I don't tend to sleep through meals very often." This draws a laugh from everyone.

I take a seat in the living room with everyone.

My uncle tells me, "Oh, by the way. Daisuke won't be coming tonight, so he decided to spend some time with his boyfriend. Just us old people today." He laughs.

Wait, what?

"B-boyfriend?"

I guess they know.

Uncle Mitsuru looks at me, "Yeah. He told us he came out to you. He didn't?" He gets a concerned look on his face. "If not, I just really messed up."

I look down at my lap. "H-he did."

Wait a minute. They said that in front of my mom, too and they didn't think it was news to her…

I look at my mom and she breaks eye contact the moment I do.

She…she knew? And she didn't tell me?! What the fuck. This is so messed up. I thought we were being so open and honest with each other.

"Um…you know…I'm not feeling very well. I guess I need more rest. I'm sorry but I think I need to go lie down for a little longer." I get my cane and start walking towards my room.

My aunt smiles, "Okay sweetie. I hope you feel better."

My mom looks at me with some desperation in her eyes, she knows I just figured this out. She says, "I'll come help you get settled."

"No, mom. I'm fine."

She stops in her tracks and looks like she's going to start crying. But she pulls herself together and puts on a fake smile.

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything."

Once I get to my room I collapse on my bed, processing this new revelation.

My mom knew he was gay for who knows how long and never told me. It could have saved me some serious heartache if she had. She also didn't mention it even after I made a fool of myself and confessed to him. I feel…really betrayed. We had started having such frank conversations with each other, and she was holding this back all along. I don't think I've ever been this angry with her.

I stay in my room the whole time my aunt and uncle are there, brooding and listening to music. After they leave, my mom knocks on my door.

"Sweetie? I know you're upset with me, but-"

"I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone."

My mom hesitates for a moment and then sounds absolutely crushed and defeated when she says, "Okay."

I hear her slowly walk away from my door.

Ugh. She's making me feel bad now. That's not fair. Whatever. I will talk to her tomorrow.

---

I just woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my mom's voice. It's loud even though her room isn't that close to mine. She's never awake this late.

Oh shit.

She has a really bad recurring nightmare about the car wreck she was in as a kid. It's how she lost her legs and her father. It's been a while since she was loud enough to wake me up. My dad used to help her, but he can't now. I'm still mad at her…but this is more important than that.

I get my cane and go into her bedroom, and in the dim light I can see that she's thrashing around in the bed, and I can hear her yelling. I turn on the light.

"Mom?"

She doesn't respond. It's an even sadder sight once the lights are on. Her face is covered in tears and contorted into a heartbreaking expression of agony. She's moving as if she's trying to wrench herself free of someone's grip. I start to tear up just seeing her like this.

This reminds me a little bit of the morning dad died. If I think about that too much, though, I'm not going to be able to do this. I take a deep breath, approach the bed, and put my hand on her shoulder and gently shake her.

"Hey, mom. Wake up. You're having your nightmare."

She doesn't come out of it, so I shake her a little harder and repeat myself a little more forcefully. This time she comes out of it and tightly grips my hand while her eyes are still closed.

"Mmn…Hi…sao?"

As if this situation couldn't get any more heartbreaking. It really isn't fair that she lost him. She still needs him so much.

Now I feel a few tears run down my cheeks.

"…no, mom. It's me. Kayoko."

She opens her eyes. "...I woke you up, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but don't worry about it."

She notices my tears. "Why are you crying?"

"I just…I hadn't seen you like that. It sucks that you have to go through that."

"I'm okay now, sweetie. Thanks for coming to help. You can go back to bed now." She says this despite the fact that she hasn't let go of my hand.

My dad was always here with her after she had the nightmare. Last year he wasn't here, and I know she didn't get very much sleep. She went for runs in the middle of the night. She even had to call into work a couple of times. I need to help her this time.

"Are you sure you'll be okay? Do you want me to stay here with you?"

She looks mad, like she's going to tell me off for suggesting such a thing. But she still hasn't let go of my hand or even loosened her grip on it.

"Dad used to help you get back to sleep, right? Will you let me help?"

New tears form in the corner of her eyes, and she looks away from me.

"I don't want you to have to take care of me. I don't want you to have to see me like this. You've…seen enough of me at my weakest. You shouldn't have to care of me. I'm your mother." The tears fall down her cheeks.

"Mom it's okay if you need me to help with this. Just...let me."

She thinks about it for a moment, looking conflicted. Eventually, she nods without saying a word and lets go of my hand.

I turn off the light and get into bed with her. I stroke her back the way dad used to stroke mine. I don't know if this is what he did for her, but it always worked for me. After about 20 minutes she falls asleep. I consider going back to my room, but I've gotten pretty comfortable, and she might need me again.

---

When I wake up in the morning I'm a little disoriented. I haven't slept in my parents' bed in probably 10 years.

My mom has already gotten up. She's probably out running.

Just as I get out of bed and into the kitchen, she gets home from her run. She's a little out of breath, covered in sweat and drinking from a water bottle.

She sees me and looks a little embarrassed. "Hey sweetie. Thank you for your help last night. Really. You have your father's gift for soothing people."

I smile at her. I'm really happy I helped.

"I'm glad you let me help you."

"Me too. Um…I know it kind of got put on the backburner…but I want to explain myself about Daisuke. If you'll let me. If you're upset with me and still don't want to talk…that's okay too."

After seeing my mom at her most vulnerable last night, I have a hard time being as angry as I was yesterday. She's been through hell in life. She lost her father and her legs in a traumatic car wreck that has haunted her for her entire life. Then she lost the person who helped her cope with that. It's the hardest time of the year for her, with the anniversary of the crash coming up. I can let her explain herself.

I sigh and sit down at the dining table. "Okay. Explain why you lied to me."

My mom sits down next to me, "I didn't lie…I just didn't tell you."

"Semantics, mom."

"Fine, you're right. I was dishonest. But it didn't come from a place of wanting to deceive you. I was protecting Daisuke. I didn't tell you because I knew he was struggling with coming out. I think you did the same thing, didn't you? I didn't know he had told you until you told Chisato and Mitsuru."

Shit, she's right.

"Yeah…he told me when I confessed to him. And I didn't tell you."

She nods. "It was very sweet of you not to tell me, even after he rejected you by the way."

"Yeah, whatever. I just wish…I just wish I had known. And avoided confessing to him all together. So, finding out that you did know, and you didn't tell me…it upset me. How long have you known?"

She fidgets in her seat. "About two years. Um…your father knew too. He told his parents and us during his first year at Yamaku."

I feel anger burning inside of me and I let it boil over. I slam my fist on the table, causing my mom to flinch. I'm not sure if she flinched because I startled her, or because such an action isn't exactly wise for someone with my condition. "TWO YEARS?! And no one thought to tell me? WHY DIDN'T DAISUKE TELL ME?!"

"I…can't answer the last part with certainty. But I can answer for the adults. It wasn't our place to tell you. He was struggling with how to tell people, with whether he wanted everyone to know. He still is struggling with it. It isn't like everyone at Yamaku knows right?"

I nod.

"I don't know for sure, but that's probably why he didn't tell you either."

"I just…I'm so stupid. I should have known. I even met his boyfriend. I shouldn't have gotten a crush on him. I shouldn't have fallen in love with him. I shouldn't have ever thought he might like me. I guess it just…hurts that people had information that would have kept me from feeling like this. Even…removing my feelings for him from the equation, it really hurts that he didn't want to tell me. That he didn't think he could tell me."

"I know, sweetie. I'm sorry. He did introduce you to his boyfriend, though. That's more than he's done with anyone else. Maybe someday, when you're ready, you can talk to him about that. If you had told me you liked Daisuke…I probably would have told you. Or at least found a way to steer you in another direction. But I didn't know until you told me you confessed."

Oh. In all of this I kind of forgot I never told her.

"Yeah…that's true." I sigh. "I guess I understand."

My mom smiles and hugs me. "Good." Then she releases me, and her mood shifts entirely.

Her voice gets sharp and she jabs me in the ribs with her finger. "Don't ever call yourself stupid again. You weren't. You couldn't know, no one told you."

"Ow! Okay, I get it. Jeez, I wish I had some joints in my ribs so you wouldn't poke me there."

She sticks her tongue out at me and says, "Go get ready for school."

---

We're in Sendai for the weekend to visit my grandfather's grave. He died long before I was ever born when my mom was only 11. There was a car crash. My mom lost her legs and her dad that day. I have a very hard time even fathoming what that must have been like. The trauma has haunted my mom her whole life, and she still misses her dad all these years later.

I can relate more to her now, having lost my own dad a little over a year ago. That was hard enough, I can't imagine witnessing it happen in a violent way and getting hurt so badly.

We're at my grandma's house getting ready to head to the grave. She and her husband, and our family, always visit the grave on the anniversary.

My grandma asks, "So, dear, how are you liking high school?"

"I like it so far. I have made some new friends, really like my classes, and have had a lot of fun in band."

"That's good. Any boyfriend yet?"

I glare at my mom, who shrugs and shakes her head.

My grandma has always been like this, she probably didn't need any information from my mom to ask this question. My 80-year-old grandma always wants to know if I have a boyfriend.

"Nope, no boyfriend yet grandma. I will let you know when I get one, okay? So, you can stop asking."

She looks at my mom, "Goodness Emi, she sounds like you did."

My mom rolls her eyes, "Well, it is a pretty annoying question, mom."

Really? Is it? Because you do the same thing!

"What's wrong with asking about her love life? Would you rather I ask you about yours, dear? Where is your handsome Hisao anyway?"

My mom frowns and looks down at the ground. I put my hand on her back, and she smiles at me.

My grandma's husband, Sho, steps in and puts his hand on her shoulder and speaks gently to her. "Meiko. Hisao…he passed away, remember?"

My grandma has been struggling with the early stages of dementia recently. Sho told us about it last month. This is the first time my mom and I have really witnessed it. Sho told us she will be her normal self but then say something that doesn't make sense. Now we know what he means.

After Sho reminds her, my grandma appears to be her usual self. She frowns and looks ashamed, realizing now what she said.

"Oh…yes, of course... I'm sorry, Emi. I miss Hisao."

My mom smiles at her, "It's okay mom. We miss him too."

My mother usually has no patience for my grandma, but given the reason for her slip up, she can't really be mad at her.

---

We're heading back to town after spending the weekend in Sendai. We had a nice visit at my grandfather's grave. We also put new flowers on it and cleaned it. Well, I did as much as I could with my wheelchair, and my mom wouldn't let me do that much. Which is probably fair, but it still kind of sucked that my much older family members did most of the work. His gravestone is getting old enough that we may decide to replace it next year.

We've been quiet for most of the drive. My mom usually is on the anniversary of the crash, but when we're halfway home, she says, "It was really hard seeing my mom like that."

"You mean…how she forgot about dad for a minute?"

She nods, "I know Sho told us it was happening. But I guess I was in denial. She's always been such a sharp, witty woman. It's hard knowing that she's losing some of that. And that it's…only going to get worse from here."

"Well, she didn't seem to have any more moments like that when we were there. Hopefully it progresses slowly."

"Yeah…that's true. I think maybe we should make more of an effort to go see them. Maybe put dinners with your aunt and uncle on hold for a while and go out there instead every Saturday or something. I can make them dinner and stuff."

"I think that's a good idea. I'd like to spend more time with her too."

"Okay, I'll run it by them. I can't imagine they'll say no. They adore you…after all."

"Hey, mom? I um…I know her question was the result of her dementia but…it made me think. About your love life. Do you think you might date again?"

She thinks for a moment. "I can't say for sure. I do know that right now I have no plans for it at all. Honestly, the way I feel now I would say 'Never, nope. It's not going to happen.' But, I know of two examples of people who felt that way, and then eventually found love again."

"Two?"

"Well, yeah." She smiles at me. "Your grandmother and your dad. I know that they both thought they would never love again, and then they both did. And they both became quite happy with their new partner…." I can hear her voice wavering a little bit, like she might cry.

I reach out and squeeze her hand.

"But the point is…I don't know. It isn't going to happen any time soon, but based on those two examples, it does seem like it could happen someday." She laughs, "Of course, they were both much younger than me. My age might make it a little harder I guess."

I giggle, "That's true. But mom, you're beautiful, you look 20 years younger than you are and you're in amazing shape. If you wanted to date again, I'm pretty sure you'd have your choice of single guys aged 40 and up."

She laughs and squeezes my hand, "Thank you sweetie. So, you would be okay with it if I did date again, huh?"

"Yes. I just want you to be happy. And if that's what you need to be happy, I think you should do it."

"You're much more gracious with me than I was with my mother. I stopped speaking to her for a month when she first started dating Sho. They knew I would too, because they even hid that they were dating for the first several months. Which only made me even angrier."

I laugh, "I know, grandma told me. You ended up loving Sho in the end, so it all worked out."

She smiles. "Yeah, that's true."

"I think I have an easier time with it because I saw dad do it." I laugh, "I mean, it was sort of after the fact obviously. But…he never stopped loving Saki, right?"

She smiles, "Nope. He never stopped. Your grandmother never has never stopped loving my dad, either."

"See? So, I know that if you decided to date again, you'd still love dad. I wouldn't think you were betraying him or something."

She laughs, "Yeah, and that's exactly how I felt when my mom start dating Sho. And I was three years older than you are now. Why are you so much more mature than I was?"

I shrug, "I think if I didn't have dad's example, I would probably feel that way too."

"Anyway, it's good to know you wouldn't hate me if I did decide to date. But I really don't plan on doing it any time soon. Both your father and your grandmother took about 7 years to get back on the horse. And I was with your dad longer than either of them were with their first spouse. So…if I had to guess, if it does happen, I'd say it will be awhile. Maybe I'll be an 80-year-old grannie out on the prowl for a 60-year-old husband though."

We both laugh, and I say, "That's a pretty funny image."

"So, now that we've had a deep talk about my love life…how are those things going for you?"

I wave my hand dismissively at her, "There's nothing to report. I'm feeling better about the Daisuke situation. I guess that's it."

"No one has even caught your eye?"

I shrug, "I dunno. There are some cute guys for sure. The other piano player isn't bad to look at, and he's really nice to me. I might have a tiny crush on him, I guess. There's a guy in my class that I have thought was cute since day one, but he has a girlfriend. So yeah…so far, I have no desire to try to pursue someone. My first experiences with love in high school have put me off of it for a while, I think. Maybe after summer vacation I'll reassess."

[guthrum06]

I'm leaving the medical building walking under my own power. Mostly. My ankle still isn't entirely healed, but I can put some weight on it now, so I can use a cane even on campus. Before going to class, I take a quick stop in the restroom. When I'm washing my hands, Ai comes rolling in at her usual speed.

"Hey, Kayoko, glad to see you're not in your wheelchair anymore."

"Thanks. I'm glad too. Especially because you can have your thing back now, you know?"

She laughs, "Yep. Things are once again how they should be. Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"You and Carsten. Are you a couple?"

"Nope."

"Do you like him?"

"Not like that. We're just friends. Why?"

She blushes, "I think he's really cute. I've been talking to him before class lately too, and he seems really nice. I was wondering if he would be into a girl like me. Has he ever said anything about me?"

"Um…no, he hasn't. What exactly do you mean…'a girl like you.'"

She sighs, "You're going to make me say it?"

"I…think I have to, because I don't know what you mean."

She fidgets with her braid and quietly says, "Whether he'd be okay with a girl in a wheelchair. It…isn't something all guys…want."

"Oh. Well, I think I know him well enough to say that he isn't going to disqualify you for being in a wheelchair. Frankly, any guy who would sucks anyway. If you want, you can join us for lunch today. Might give you a chance to feel things out."

She nods, "That's a good idea. Hey um…don't tell him about this, okay? Or…you know…anyone?"

"I won't, don't worry."

She smiles and then leaves the bathroom.

As I leave the restroom myself, I realize she left without using any of the facilities. She must have seen me come in here and decided to follow me in to talk about Carsten in relative privacy. She must really like him. She's such a big flirt that I sort of assumed she was more confident about this kind of thing. I guess I was wrong. She jokes about her wheelchair being her 'thing,' but I guess she does it to cover up her insecurity about it.

...

The bell rings for lunch time and Ai is over to me and Carsten in a flash. She rolls herself next to Carsten and flashes him a very big smile.

"Hey Carsten, Kayoko invited me to come eat with you guys today. My arms are tired. Would you mind pushing me?"

She's so bold. I could maybe learn a thing or two from watching this girl at work. So far, I'm clueless about how to do this sort of thing.

Carsten is a little flustered and says, "O-oh. Yeah, sure." When he gets behind her to push, she winks at me.

Once the three of us are in the elevator he remembers the last time we were in the elevator with Ai and he says, "Hey wait, didn't you say full-time wheelchair girls don't need people to push them?"

She laughs, "Oh. You remember that, huh? Well, most of the time we don't. But there are exceptions." She winks at me again.

Once we pick up some lunch and go to the quad, we find Akari already there. She looks a little nervous when she sees there is a new person in our group. She has gotten pretty used to me and Carsten, but still isn't doing so well with others. I probably should have texted her about this.

"Hey Akari, this is Ai. She's in our class too."

"N-n-nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too."

Once we've all sat down on the grass, Ai starts fidgeting in her wheelchair and turns to me. "This is not a very wheelchair-friendly place to eat, is it?"

I laugh, "Not really. I was bummed when I was in mine and couldn't get out on the grass. I'm sorry."

She thinks for a moment and then says. "Hey, Carsten? You look strong. Would you mind picking me up and putting me down on the ground?"

She's telling the truth about feeling left out, but turning that into a way for Carsten to touch her in a fairly intimate way is genius. Should I be taking notes? I'm in a wheelchair sometimes, after all. I guess I weigh significantly more than she does, so maybe I shouldn't expect guys to be able to lift me. Plus, I probably shouldn't praise her too much until I see if it works.

Carsten blushes and says, "P-pick you up?"

"Yeah, it's not a big deal. I don't weigh very much, promise. I just want to be down there on the grass with all of you. I'm kind of far away up here."

Carsten stands up and says, "Yeah…okay."

I notice that Akari is also surprised by our new lunchmate's behavior. In fact, she might be angry about it. It is hard to tell. I may be mistaking her anxiety for something else.

Carsten gets up and surveys the situation.

"Um…how should I…?"

"Here, you just bend down, and I'll put my arms around your neck, okay? Then you can put your left arm around my lower back and the other around my legs, under my knees. It should be easy from there."

He nods and does as she asks. When he bends down, she puts her arms around his neck as she said she would. She leans forward so he can reach around her back, and then he puts the other are under her legs. He lifts her up, and she giggles a little bit. She makes sure their faces are very close to each other. In fact, I think their cheeks may have just touched. She has a big smile on her face.

"See? I knew you were strong."

Carsten smiles at her, "Where do you want me to put you?"

"Hmm…how about next to where you were sitting?"

He nods, but then when he gets there he stops for a moment and says, "Um…how should I position you?"

"Good question. I have almost no feeling in my legs so balancing can be tricky. Just put me down on my butt and I will lean back on my hands, and then you can move my legs, so they are in front of me."

This whole thing not only makes them touch one another, it really is also a way to see how well he handles the fact that she's in a wheelchair and has serious issues with mobility.

He nods and puts her down. Just as he's about to adjust her legs, Akari says "Oh…um, I c-can do this p-part, for you." and she moves her legs before Carsten can. "Is that g-good?"

Ai looks a little disappointed for a moment but hides it quickly. Clearly she was trying to get Carsten to touch her more. "Yep, that's good. Thank you, Akari."

Ai sets up shop next to Carsten, and even scoots herself a little closer to him using her arms.

"Man, it is really nice to be down here on a day like this. Thank you, Carsten."

He smiles at her, "No problem. I'll put you back in your chair, too."

She smiles and with just a slight tinge of seductiveness she says, "Good. I would really like that."

Well, maybe it wasn't that slight, because both Carsten and Akari have picked up on it. Carsten looks at Ai and blushes. Ai doesn't look away from him either, she just smiles an innocent little smile. They stay looking at each other and smiling for several seconds. Meanwhile Akari's face has some more definite signs of being upset.

Akari starts to gather up her things and says "I h-have t-to go. See you at b-band, K-kayoko."

Oh no.

Carsten and Ai both say, "Bye Akari," and I add, "Okay, see you then!"

As she's walking away, I pull out my cell phone and text her, "Is everything okay?"

I look up and Carsten and Ai are talking to each other and laughing. Ai is making sure to put her hand on his arm when he says something particularly funny. I'm already starting to feel a little like a third wheel from the display they are putting on.

I look back at my phone and see Akari has responded.

"Can we talk after band today?"

I respond, "Yeah, sure."

When the bell rings, Carsten effortlessly picks up Ai and takes her to her wheelchair. Just when he's about to put her down, Ai takes advantage of how close they are and kisses Carsten on the cheek and says, "That's for helping me."

Carsten seems to appreciate the gesture, as he turns red and smiles a big goofy smile before putting her down in her wheelchair.

"Um…I'll push myself this time. I think I had enough rest. I'm going to go on ahead."

She is blushing bright red herself and seems to want to get away, so even though she looked so confident, I think she's kind of embarrassed about what she did and isn't sure she should have been so forward. I don't think she should be though. I think her plan worked. She takes off at high speed as me and Carsten make our way back to the school building.

"Um…do you think she-?"

"Yep."

"Yep? You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Okay, fine. Finish."

"Do you think she likes me?"

"Yep."

"Oh…I guess you did know what I was going to say. How are you so sure?"

"Were you at the same lunch I was?"

He laughs, "I guess it was obvious."

I laugh, "Very. What are you going to do about it? What do you think about her?"

"She's really cute. I think I might get her number and talk with her some. See if there's something there."

I nod, "I think that's a good idea. Good luck!"

Hopefully this works out for Carsten. He's a good guy, and I think Ai seems like a pretty good fit for him. Of course, the bad news is that I think my other friend might be hurt if they end up together.

...

After band practice is over, Akari comes and stands near the piano while she waits for me to pack up my things.

"Hey Akari, I'll just be a second. Where do you want to go?"

"I d-don't know. S-somewhere private. M-maybe my dorm?"

I nod, "That's a good idea. Let me text my mom."

I write, "Hey mom, helping a friend. I don't think it will take too long, but I will probably be a little late to meet you at the car."

She responds, "I was about to text you. I'm running late too, so good timing! Have fun."

We walk off to the girls' dorms, and we reach Akari's dorm room. I find myself in the pinkest space I've ever been in. I mean, I knew she loved pink, but this is intense. Pink sheets, pink towels, pink stuffed animals, pink bedding, pink posters. And of course, she has a pink holder for her two dozen pink headbands. It's kind of giving me a headache. She also has a large bookshelf that is filled to the brim with romance manga. There's also one lying open next to her bed. She must read them every night. This might be the girliest room that ever existed.

She sits down on the bed with a somber look on her face. I move her desk chair so I can sit close to her and sit down.

"What did you want to talk about?"

She frowns, "Um…I th-think I like C-carsten."

"Oh? You only 'think' you do?"

She fidgets. "W-well, we've been talking a lot. Especially t-texting. I like that because it doesn't m-make me anxious. W-we've gotten close, I guess. I didn't think I l-liked him until today, though."

"Ah, did you get jealous seeing Ai flirting with him?"

She scoffs and looks very annoyed, a face I haven't seen from her before. "Y-yeah. I d-don't know w-why she had to be all over him like that."

"Yeah, she was intense. She certainly made it obvious she is interested in him."

"D-do you think he l-likes her?"

I sigh, feeling bad for what I'm about to say, but I shouldn't sugar coat this for her.

"Well, by the end he was flirting back. After you left, she even kissed him on the cheek, and he liked it. He got her number in class. There's a pretty good chance they will start dating…I think. I'm sorry."

She crosses her arms, "Well, they aren't d-d-dating yet, right?"

"Not as far as I know."

"W-what should I do?"

I get up from the chair and sit next to her on the bed. I put my arm around her shoulders.

"I wish I could say. I have almost no experience with this. I um…confessed to a guy a few weeks back and got rejected. So, I'm not the right person to ask about how to get a guy to like you, much less in a love triangle situation."

"Y-you? You got rejected?"

I laugh, "You seem to think that I'm the kind of girl all the guys want, but trust me, the evidence would indicate that's not who I am."

"D-doesn't C-carsten like you?"

"He told you about that, huh? Yeah, he used to at least. A couple weeks into school he confessed to me. I didn't feel the same."

"Why d-did he like you?"

I laugh, "That's…kind of a funny question. I dunno, he said I was pretty, and he liked being around me I think."

She looks down and says in a very defeated voice, "Oh."

"Why did that upset you?"

"I'm n-not p-pretty…Y-you and Ai are. So, I d-don't have a chance."

"Hey, don't say that. Do you really think you aren't pretty?"

"Yes. I...l-look like a boy."

She really doesn't. But maybe this explains her obsession with pink? She thinks it makes it more clear she's a girl or something.

"Listen, Akari. The first time I saw you, I thought you were pretty. I still think you are. Don't sell yourself short."

She looks at me with what must be genuine surprise, "Really?"

"Really. You have beautiful eyes, pretty hair, and great skin. And you're petite, lots of guys like that. I am sure a lot of guys think you're pretty."

"B-but I don't have any…" She gestures towards her chest.

I laugh, "I'm sure that's not true. You don't have big conspicuous ones, sure, but that's not everything. Besides, if that's what you're worried about, it isn't like Ai has you beat there."

"Th-that's true. I w-wouldn't mind having yours though."

I laugh, "Thanks. But I like your body too."

She smiles bashfully, "Okay. What d-do you think I should do?"

"Well, I think if you really feel this way, you should probably confess to him. And soon. Because after what we saw today, Ai doesn't strike me as the kind of girl who is going to take her time with this. It does sound like you have a little bit of a head start though, since you've been talking with him so much. Maybe that will help."

She wrings her hands together and shifts her body, "W-what if I g-get r-rejected?"

"I'm not gonna lie to you. It will suck. It will hurt. But that feeling is only temporary. If it doesn't go the way you want it to, we'll have a girls' night or something, okay? My mom mentioned wanting to meet you recently. She's good at girls' nights. She helped me a lot when I was hurting because of a boy." I laugh, "Also my mom has small boobs, and she was the kind of girl that all the guys wanted to be with. So, there's a good example for you."

Akari giggles. "Okay. Th-thank you." She suddenly puts her arms around me and hugs me with such force that I can't help but grunt.

She immediately lets go and looks at me. "A-are you okay? Did I-

I laugh, "No dislocations this time. You just startled me."

She relaxes and hugs me again, this time more gently. I hug her back.

"Th-thank you for talking with me. It helped. N-next time you have b-boy problems you should tell me, okay?"

"I will, Akari. So, what's your plan?"

"I'm going to c-confess to him. T-tonight, I think."

"That's bold, but probably a good plan given the competition. Well, good luck. Let me know how it goes."

---

Its the next morning my mom and I are heading to school. I didn't hear anything from Akari, and I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe she confessed and they embraced each other and spent all night talking or…doing other stuff. Or maybe he rejected her, and she was so crushed she couldn't text me. Either way, I should probably let my mom know about the situation.

"So, you want to meet my friend Akari, right?"

She nods, "Of course. She's your friend. Your aunt seems to like her too."

"She's who I was helping yesterday. She's having some boy problems, and I don't know how they're going to go. But I promised her that if things didn't go her way, the three of us could do a girl's night."

My mom laughs, "Okay, that could be fun. Although I guess given the circumstances, I hope it isn't necessary."

"Yeah, I'm not sure. She's a really shy girl. She was too sick for school until now and hasn't really had friends her own age before, so she's anxious all the time about social stuff. So, I'm a little worried. If things didn't go well, could we do it tonight? No club activities, right?"

She nods, "Yep, that should be good."

"Okay, thanks mom."

...

When I get to the classroom, Ai and Carsten are already there. She has positioned her wheelchair so she's sitting as close to him as possible, and he has her arm around her as they chat about something with their faces very close together.

That girl is impressive. It's been about 24 hours since she told me she liked him and was all anxious about it, and it looks like she's already bagged him. You would have no idea that she was worried or nervous about it either. She seems so confident. This sucks for Akari, though. Still, I can be happy for these two while feeling for Akari.

I smile at them and use a teasing tone. "Hey you two. You look all cute and lovey-dovey. Something I should know?"

They both blush, it is especially noticeable on Carsten's very fair skin. He smiles and says, "Yeah. We're together now."

My smile gets bigger. "That's great. I'm happy for you both."

Ai says, "Yes, thank you, Kayoko. I told him you helped."

I laugh, "Hey, all I did was invite you to lunch. You did the rest."

She giggles and looks at Carsten, "That's true."

I get out my phone and text Akari, "Hey, I don't know what happened on your end, but I'm in class now and Ai and Carsten are a couple now. I'm sorry."

She responds, "Oh. Okay. I won't be at lunch."

While I'm thinking about what to say to her, she adds, "Girls' night?"

I smile, "Yep. My mom is on board. Meet us in the faculty parking lot around 4:00 and we can go to our house."

"Okay, see you then. Thank you."

...

Lunch with the new lovey-dovey couple was…interesting. If I thought I felt like a third wheel yesterday, I definitely did today. It was like I wasn't even there for long stretches as they talked and giggled and touched each other unnecessarily.

Still, I can't help but be happy for them. Especially Carsten. I think this probably means he is 100% over me, which is a relief. I was worried he was hurting because of me, and I don't need to think about that anymore.

Now that the school day is over, I am heading for the faculty parking lot. I run into Akari (luckily not literally) as I'm leaving the school building.

She doesn't look like she is in very high spirits. I guess I don't blame her. She smiles at me, and I hug her. She seemed to like this yesterday, so it's worth a try.

"I'm sorry today sucked."

When I look down at her I can see she is tearing up a little.

"M-me too."

We break the hug and walk in the direction of the faculty parking lot. "So, do you want to talk about it tonight? Or keep your mind off of it?"

"T-talk about it, I think. Some at least."

"Okay, what exactly happened on your end?"

"N-nothing. I texted him saying I wanted to meet up and t-talk. And he didn't r-respond. Wh-which is unusual for us. Or…w-was…before Ai. He used to always respond fast." Her voice cracks and she looks at her feet, "H-he still hasn't responded."

"Seriously? That's kind of messed up. I…guess he is getting swept up in his new relationship, but not responding at all? Not even with a 'Sorry, I can't? I will have a talk with him."

She stops in her tracks and says "N-No!" with enough force to make me flinch.

She blushes, realizing how loud she was.

"I'm sorry. B-but I will be fine. At this point I think it is better if he n-never knew I l-liked him. So, d-don't say anything to him, please."

"Okay that makes sense." I laugh, "You know, I wish I could go back in time and unconfess, so I see the appeal."

By now we've reached the parking lot, but my mom isn't here yet, so we wait near the car.

Something occurs to me while we wait. Akari knows a lot at this point, including that my dad passed away, but she doesn't know I am adopted. Come to think of it, I guess I haven't told any of my new friends. It honestly isn't something I think about that often.

"Don't be too surprised when you see my mom. She doesn't look anything like me. Once you see her, it will be pretty obvious I was adopted."

"Oh. Y-you were? When?"

"I was a baby, so I don't remember anything but my parents. So, she is my mom in every important way. I'm just saying, it might be a little bit of a shock. So, I thought I would prepare you."

"Y-you really look that d-different?"

I laugh. "Yes. I won't spoil it for you though. Oh, here she comes."

I look at Akari to see her reaction. There is only one person walking towards us, so she has to know who I mean. When she sees my diminutive mother, who is even smaller than her, she smiles and tells me with her eyes that she knows what I meant. Now that I'm seeing them both together, my mom looks more like Akari's mom than mine.

My mom arrives and smiles at me. "Hey sweetie, sorry I was a little late. This must be Akari."

"Yes ma'am. It is nice to meet you, Mrs. Nakai."

Huh. She really does seem much more confident talking to older people.

My mom smiles at her. "Oh, we can't have that dear. You don't need to be so polite with me. I am a very informal person. You can just call me Emi, and you definitely don't need to call me ma'am."

Akari looks concerned and doesn't say anything.

Maybe formality makes her feel better? Or does my mom act too much like a young person? Could be either.

My mom realizes she may have made a mistake and says, "If you are more comfortable being formal with me, that's okay too. Just…call me whatever you want, okay?"

"I th-think I will go with Mrs. Nakai for now."

My mother smiles at her, "Okay. That works for me. Shall we get going?"

I get in the front seat and Akari gets in the back.

Once we're in the car and on our way, my mom says, "So, Akari, Kayoko tells me you had some boy trouble?"

"Yeah. A b-boy I like has a girlfriend…now."

My mom nods, "Yeah that can be tough."

"K-kayoko tells me you are quite good at talking through boy stuff."

My mom laughs and looks at me, "I hope you didn't oversell me, dear. But I suppose I do have a fair bit of experience with that kind of stuff compared to you two, so I will help if I can."

"Th-thank you for letting me come over. I appreciate it."

"Of course, dear. My daughter talks quite a lot about you. And your music teacher is my best friend. So, I have heard enough about you to be very interested in meeting you."

Once we get to the house my mom goes to the kitchen and starts making dinner. I offer to help her, but she waves me off to spend time with Akari, so I join her in the living room.

"Y-you guys have a nice house."

I smile, "Thanks. I like it. I have lived here my whole life. Well, after the orphanage anyway."

Akari giggles, "You were right. I would n-never have thought she was your mom."

I laugh, "I know, right? It used to be more believable before I got so much bigger than her. I do look a little more like my dad."

I walk over to a picture on the wall of the three of us from when I was 14, Akari follows me.

"See?"

She nods and looks at him for a few moments before looking at me and saying, "Is it w-weird for me to say your dad was handsome?"

I laugh, "No, I guess not. My mom will love that actually."

I yell loud enough for my mom to hear in the kitchen, "Hey mom!?"

Akari looks at me with pleading eyes, trying to tell me not to tell her. But I ignore her because I know how my mom will react.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Akari thinks Dad was handsome."

My mom quickly emerges from the kitchen and joins us looking at the photo.

She sighs lovingly and says, "He was wasn't he. The best-looking man in the world, I think. That messy hair, those kind eyes. His big, strong hands. And you should have seen his bod-"

"Okay mom, we get it."

She laughs, "Sorry. I got a little carried away." She looks at Akari who is blushing and winks, "You have good taste, dear."

"I-I'm sorry you lost him."

I can see my mom wants to hug Akari from a step she takes towards her, but she must be worried about how she would react, because instead she just puts her hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you. Now, I'm going to get back to the kitchen. Dinner should be ready soon."

After she leaves, Akari can't help but giggle softly. "Your mom is pretty funny. Also, you're right. She has small boobs and got with a guy as good looking as your d-dad."

I sigh, "Okay, I think I have reached my limit on talking about how attractive my dad is."

Akari giggles, "Sorry."

She hasn't been stuttering as much and is being much sillier than usual. It is nice to see.

"You seem a lot more at ease here than you do at school."

She nods, "I feel more comfortable in a house. Probably because I spent so much time in one as a kid. It feels more controlled than school. I know everyone in here. Even in my dorm room I don't really feel l-like I can relax. There's…too many people around that I don't know. I can hear their voices and I um… w-worry ever time s-someone walks by, that they w-will knock on my door and t-try to talk to me."

"That must be hard."

"It is. I am getting b-better, believe it or not. But it's still hard."

I nod, "I believe it. I've seen you get more relaxed and confident since I've known you."

She smiles and walks over to Saki's bookshelf. "I see this is where you k-keep all the music."

I follow her.

"Yep. This is sort of the music corner. My piano's over there."

She looks at the pictures on the shelf. She points at the figures in one of the pictures. "This is your dad, right? And the music teacher?"

"Yep, that's them at Yamaku when they were just a couple years older than we are now."

She points at Saki, "Who is she? She is in all of these, most of them with your dad. I k-kind of recognize her."

I smile at her. "That's Saki. She was my dad's first wife. She was a composer. She passed away very young. Only about 10 years after this picture, sadly. Most of this is music she wrote."

"Saki…" She pauses and looks like she is thinking hard. "...Enomoto?"

I smile. "Yep, that's right."

"That's really cool. They have a l-little exhibit about her in the University of Tokyo concert hall. I s-saw it after I decided to come to Yamaku, so I remember thinking it was cool that she went here. She's a big deal."

"Yep, that's her. She, and my aunt of course, are the ones who inspired me to be a musician."

Akari gets excited. "Wow. It's kind of like you have music r-royalty in the family!"

I giggle, "I never thought of it that way. I have always known Saki. So she didn't seem so special to me. But yeah…I guess I see what you mean. What got you into music? You started playing so young."

"My dad also p-plays the French horn. Not as a professional or anything, though. I couldn't really go out and play like other kids a lot of the time because of p-pain or surgery. My um…hips were the worst. So, I could s-sit okay, but not stand. So, he taught me to play since I could do it alone, inside, and sitting down. I ended up really liking it." She closes her eyes and smiles from ear to ear. "It helped me through some hard stuff. It b-became kind of like therapy for me over time." Her smile gets bigger, and now I realize she is thinking of the feeling she has when she plays. "When I play, I don't feel any of my anxieties or worries. I just feel…happy. It's almost like I'm a different person."

I feel myself choking up a bit.

"Th-that's really great. Beautiful, even."

"Really?"

"Well, yeah." I laugh, "Much more profound than my reason for playing."

She laughs, "Maybe, I guess. But you h-have music royalty on your side. So, we're even."

My mom comes into the living room and says, "Hey you two, dinner is ready."

"Okay, we're coming."

We sit down to dinner with my mom, who made my favorite thing: Sesame soba shrimp stir fry.

I look over at Akari who I can see is enjoying the food. She looks up and sees my mom eating in her usual fashion and she can't help but stare. I probably should have warned her about this. After staring for a moment, she just smiles at me and goes back to eating.

"This is really good Mrs. Nakai."

My mother is still in the middle of eating, so she has to swallow an especially large bite of food before she can say, "Thank you. This is Kayoko's favorite." She smiles wistfully. "It was her dad's too, actually. I even made it for him on our first date."

"What? I thought you went to a restaurant."

"Well, it depends on what you consider a date, I guess. That was what we did the first time we went out as a couple. But the day we became a couple I made him dinner at my apartment."

Akari smiles, "That's really nice. This is a r-really special dish, then."

My mom smiles, "It really is."

We go back to eating in silence for a bit and when my mom finishes, she laces her fingers under her chin and says, "So tell me about your boy problem, Akari."

Akari takes a deep breath. "Okay. Well. I became r-really good friends with this guy. We talked a lot and opened up to each other. I realized yesterday that I liked him because it bothered me that this other girl was all over him being flirty. Like all over him."

My mom nods and Akari moves past this part of the story. But clearly that part is ingrained in her mind. I guess I can't blame her. 'All over him' is a pretty accurate description.

"So, I texted him and said I wanted to talk. I was going to confess. But…he never responded and showed up at school today with that other girl as his girlfriend. It hurts m-my feelings quite a lot…that he never responded."

"I see. That does sound hard. Tell me, what is this boy like?"

"It's Carsten, mom."

My mom raises her eyebrows and Akari looks at me with deep concern. I guess she didn't know my mom knew him.

"She is his physical therapist. Sorry, I should have mentioned that."

My mom smiles softly at her. "Akari, I won't tell him, don't worry. This is girls' night, right? It's all about saying things that the boys don't ever hear."

Akari smiles back and relaxes, "Okay. Thank you."

"It would really bother me too that he never responded in any way after you two have been texting each other so much. Makes me want to slap that boy."

Akari giggles, "That's basically what your daughter said. Though a l-little less violently."

My mom laughs, "Yes, she is gentler than me. She gets it from her father. Anyway, this does sound like a tough situation. Especially because you are all friends. You eat lunch together every day, right?"

"Yeah. I didn't go today b-because of it."

"Unfortunately, the only thing I can recommend is giving yourself some space and time. Missing lunch for a bit is probably a good idea. I know it stinks that you didn't get the guy, but you're a really pretty, sweet, talented girl." She winks at her. "And trust me, guys love the petite thing."

Akari blushes and giggles. My mom is pretty good at this, even when it isn't me.

"So, you just keep on being you, and eventually you'll find a guy. I'm sure of it. Don't let this make you think less of yourself."

Akari smiles at my mom, "Okay…thank you so much for all that. It helps me feel a bit b-better. Kayoko was right, you're good at this."

My mom smiles, "I'm glad I could help. Hey, would you two like some ice cream? I don't think it would really be girls' night unless we ate some."

I roll my eyes, "Mom, you'd use any excuse to eat ice cream."

"Oh? Does that mean you don't want any?"

"...no, I do."

"That's what I thought. Would you like any Akari?"

"Yes, please."

"I think we only have chocolate, is that good with you?"

Akari nods and my mom heads to the kitchen with a smile on her face.

When my mom leaves the room, Akari says, "Your mom is really amazing."

I smile, "She really is, isn't she?"

Akari asks, "Do you…think I can stay the night? I know it's short notice, b-but I really like it here. I'm more comfortable than I have been since school started. I feel like I can relax."

It breaks my heart a little to think that when Akari is at school and not playing her French horn, she is constantly anxious. Even in her dorm room.

I smile at her, "Sure. A slumber party would be nice. I am pretty sure my mom will be okay with it but let me check."

When my mom returns with the ice cream, I ask "Mom, can Akari stay over tonight?"

My mom looks a little surprised but says "Sure. But where will you girls sleep?"

"I dunno. We could share my bed, or Akari could sleep on the couch. Whatever she wants to do."

"Yeah, we can share. B-but if it's too last minute, I understand."

Mom replies, "No, it's fine. You have your medications and things like that?"

"I just have a m-monthly injection, so I'm good there. I um…might need to borrow some clothes, though."

"Oh, that's no problem. I think we are close enough in size, I have some stuff you could wear."

"Okay, thank you."

We enjoy our ice cream mostly in silence. When we finish, my mom gets some pajamas for Akari and then says, "Well, girls. It has been a nice night. But I need to get to bed."

Akari stands up and gingerly walks over to my mother before hugging her. My mother hugs her back with a smile on her face.

"Th-thank you for everything tonight, Mrs…Emi. You welcomed me here, made dinner for me, talked with me about my problems, you're letting me stay when I sprung it on you and you…even gave me s-some of your clothes. I r-really appreciate all of it."

"It's no problem. I quite enjoyed having you. You're welcome here any time, okay?"

Akari nods, and she is sniffling slightly. It is a pretty cute sight overall. I'm glad she feels better about Carsten, but it almost feels like getting to come here and feel more at home and less anxious is having the biggest impact on her mood.

Eventually they break the hug, and my mom comes to hug me too before saying, "Okay, goodnight girls." Then she wags her finger and in a mock strict tone says, "Don't stay up too late!"

We head to my room and change into our pajamas before settling into the bed. I have a double bed, so there's plenty of room. Especially because she's small.

As I continue to think about how difficult things are for Akari, I come up with an idea.

"I'm glad to see you loosen up so much here. I will have to ask my mom, but I think she will agree, if you ever really need a break from campus, you can stay here a night to recharge your batteries."

"Thank you. You and your mom are like the nicest people ever."

I laugh, "I don't know about that."

Suddenly, Akari's phone buzzes. She picks it up and furrows her brow.

"Is that who I think it is?"

"Yeah. He said 'Sorry for not responding to this sooner. D-do you still want to meet up and talk?'"

"Well…at least he responded…eventually, I guess."

"What do I say?"

"Hmm…if I were you, I'd be tempted to ignore it for about 24 hours."

"That's not a bad idea. I was thinking m-maybe just a one-word response of 'No.' might be good too."

"Yeah, either of those sounds good. You could even do both. Wait 24 hours and then only one word."

She smiles. "Ooo, yeah - that's what I'll d-do."

She puts her phone down.

"I do think you'll probably need to stop texting him so much for a while, until you feel better about stuff."

She nods, "Yeah…I kind of figured that was included when your mom said distance." Her voice gets quiet and sad. "S-seems like he doesn't really want to text me anymore anyway, with Ai the picture...It's gonna be hard. We talked for a while m-most evenings. It really helped."

"You can always text me if you want to talk."

"That's true." She sighs. "I don't know what I'm going to do about lunch. I don't really want to go back to eating alone. B-but I also don't want to be there with them. Maybe if they weren't all over each other it would be okay…"

"Yeah, I get what you mean. You and I could go off and eat together for a little while."

"No, I don't want you to s-stop being friends with them or anything. I will figure something out."

"Okay, that sounds like a plan." I yawn and roll over to turn off the light on my nightstand. "I guess we should go to bed."

"Yeah probably. I'm pretty tired too. Hey, Kayoko?"

"Hm?"

"You're my best friend. Really…my first b-best friend. You've really done a lot for me and if you're ever having a hard time let me know, okay? I w-want to be here for you, too."

"I was just thinking that I had a new best friend, too." I roll back over to face her. "I'll tell you about my boy problems. You'll keep a secret, right?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Well…the guy I confessed to? It was Daisuke. I guess you sort of met him, he was the other guy who helped me the day we ran into each other."

"Oh. He's the m-music teacher's son, right?"

"Right. So, he's sort of like my big brother. I've known him my whole life. But I ended up falling for him…he helped me a lot after my dad passed."

"Yeah, I can s-see that, he's pretty cute."

"He is. Well, it turned out he's gay. Which I didn't know, obviously. He isn't exactly 'out' so that's the part you shouldn't tell anyone. Carsten knows he rejected me, but not all the details."

"That must have been tough."

"It was. On top of everything I felt stupid for not knowing and reading the situation so wrong. I…really thought he liked me, because he helps me so much and is so sweet to me. I confessed the day I hurt my ankle because he was there and helped me. He held my hand through the pain and let me rest in his dorm room. I…was so sure that he liked me when that happened. But he did it because he sees me as a little sister. I should have known that. I mean, before I started to have romantic feelings for him, I saw him as a big brother."

Akari says, "I don't think you should feel s-stupid. This stuff is hard. I mean, it turns out he does love you, just like family. I guess that line is hard to see sometimes. I think if I was in your position, I would have thought he liked m-me too."

"Yeah? Thanks. That makes me feel better. I also feel some guilt because it seems kind of messed up for me to be so upset because he's gay."

"Well, you aren't upset because he's gay, right? You're upset b-because you wanted to be with him, and you c-can't."

"Yeah, that's true. Anyway, in the end, I asked for some space and time, and he gave it to me. But now, I miss him. I think I'm ready for him to be a big part of my life again."

"Yeah, I guess I get that n-now that I'm going through sort of the same thing. I'm going to miss Carsten. How long did it take you to feel like you're ready to be friends with him again?"

"It's been almost a month."

"How did you know you were ready?"

"Just hearing you talk about Carsten tonight, mostly. I could tell that my feelings for Daisuke aren't nearly as raw as they were. I think I'll text him now."

"You should. What are you going to say?"

I get my phone and type out the text, reading it to Akari as I go. "'Hey. I just wanted you to know that I've had enough space and time, and I'm ready for us to be friends again.' How does that sound?

"Sounds good to me."

"Okay." I hit send. "I feel very relieved sending that. Thanks for helping me figure that out."

"I'm happy to return the favor. It has b-been…a really great night. Goodnight Kayoko"

[guthrum06]

It's lunchtime and I've really been looking forward to it all morning. I'm going to spend some time with Daisuke for the first time since my confession. I was a little worried he wouldn't be so forgiving. But he's really nice and he loves me like family, so I shouldn't have doubted him.

I initially invited Akari to have lunch with me and Daisuke somewhere, thinking it would keep her from being alone at lunch, but she said she really didn't want me to just ditch Carsten and Ai like that, so instead Daisuke will be joining the three of us in the usual spot.

Thankfully, his presence will mean that I don't have to be alone with the handsiest couple on the planet. Right now, Ai is all but sitting in Carsten's lap and she is feeding him. They both look blissfully happy, which is the only reason I put up with it.

Just as I am trying my best to survive being around them, I see Daisuke and Kaito. I am relieved to see them. It might be another couple, but something tells me they aren't going to be like these two.

I get up and wave and walk towards them. When we meet, I hug Daisuke and he hugs me back. This feels so nice. I think I still have a little flicker of my feelings for him somewhere deep down, but I mostly just feel like I'm hugging a family member. Distance and time did what it was supposed to.

I notice Kaito is smiling. I imagine he knows everything. Which is a little embarrassing. But he looks happy that we are hugging, so I guess that's okay.

I say, "I'm really glad you two are here. Mostly because I missed you, but also because Carsten and his girlfriend are…challenging to be around on my own."

Daisuke looks over in the grass and sees what I'm talking about and can't help but laugh.

I realize Kaito doesn't know what's going on, so I explain, "So, my friend Carsten's girlfriend, Ai, is sitting almost on top of him and they are feeding each other."

Kaito chuckles, "So they are one of those couples?"

"They are so far. They are pretty new, so I am cutting them some slack. But it is a bit awkward being around them on my own."

Kaito nods, "I can understand why."

We walk over to where they are and sit down.

Carsten sees Daisuke and says, "Oh, hey Daisuke. It's been a while."

"It has. Nice to see you. Who is your lovely girlfriend?"

"This is Ai." Ai waves.

"Nice to meet you. This is Kaito, my boyfriend."

Oh. He's telling people now.

Carsten raises his eyebrows in surprise. He knows I confessed to Daisuke, so it makes sense he wasn't expecting that. To Ai's credit, she doesn't really respond as if Kaito and Daisuke being together is anything strange.

She says, "Nice to meet you, Kaito and Daisuke"

Then Carsten says, "Yeah, nice to meet you."

Kaito responds, "You too, Carsten and Ai."

Before long the two love birds are back doing what they were doing, and once it's clear they aren't paying attention I turn to Daisuke.

"So, you are telling people now? That's great!" Kaito smiles at me.

Daisuke nods. "Yeah…the thing with you made me realize I need to be open about it. If I had been…you wouldn't ever have gotten hurt. I did sort of think your parents had told you, but I shouldn't have just assumed. I also just needed to be open for myself…and for Kaito. But you gave me some extra motivation to do that."

Kaito laughs softly, "Yes, while I wish things hadn't become hard between you two, I am somewhat thankful that things led here." He reaches out for Daisuke's hand, and Daisuke gives it to him. "I have wanted to do things like this for quite a while." Then he whispers, "But don't worry. We aren't like them." He gestures towards Carsten and Ai with his head, making us all laugh.

"Well, while it wasn't exactly fun for me for a little while there, the fact it helped lead to this does make me feel a lot better. I'm really happy for you both."

Daisuke smiles, "Thanks. It's really nice to talk to you again."

"Yep, I missed this. I hope you know…I was never mad. At either of you. That isn't why I needed some space."

Kaito nods and Daisuke says, "We know. We never thought you were. We get why you needed some space. We've both been rejected before."

"Okay, good. So, summer vacation is almost here. You two have any plans?"

Kaito responds, "I'm going to Israel in two weeks. But other than that, nothing set in stone. We thought we might travel a bit. Unfortunately, once summer vacation is over things start getting intense for us, pretty much until graduation. Even the winter holidays will be spent studying. So, we kind of want to try to relax some, at least."

"Yeah…I am not looking forward to examination hell. I can only imagine how it must feel when it is right around the corner."

Daisuke winces. "Yeah. Not fun. Do you have any plans?"

"Yeah, we're going to spend a week with my mom's family in Sendai, and then a week with my dad's family in Chiba. They are all getting quite old, unfortunately, so we want to spend time with them while we can."

"Well, that will be nice. It sounds like you'll still have a couple weeks that will be more relaxing too."

"Yep, I am thankful for that. I know it isn't examination hell, but these last tests have been pretty stressful."

The bell rings for us to return to class.

"Well, it was really nice seeing you two again. We should hang out some more for sure."

Kaito says, "Yes, we'd like that."

Daisuke says. "Yep, agreed. See you later Kayoko." Then he turns towards Carsten and Ai. Carsten is carrying Ai back to her wheelchair as they look lovingly at one another. He chuckles softly and says, "Bye, lovebirds!"

I laugh and then walk towards my two classmates. Carsten says, "What did he mean by that?"

I quickly think of a way to explain this that won't upset them. "Well, you two are a new couple. And it's obvious. It's cute. I don't think he meant anything bad by it."

Ai says, "Yeah, it's fine. We are pretty lovey-dovey in public. Which we like. But people will definitely say stuff. Don't worry about it babe."

So at least she's aware of it and just doesn't care what other people think. Makes sense from what I know of her so far.

Carsten says, "I'm not worried. The prettiest girl in the whole school is my girlfriend. How am I supposed to not be lovey-dovey?"

Ai blushes, "Thank you, Carsten."

This whole exchange is equal parts cute and nauseating. But they're both happy, that's what matters.

---

I just woke up from a glorious nap.

Earlier today I finished my last test of the trimester and I feel more relaxed than I have in weeks. I have a week where I can do absolutely nothing before we go to Chiba. I'm pretty excited about that.

I am a little sad that most of my friends won't be around though. Daisuke and Kaito are leaving tomorrow on a little trip and Akari's parents are coming to get her tomorrow. Carsten and Ai will be here a little while longer. They couldn't bear to part just yet. I'm mean about it, but I guess it would kind of suck to leave your significant other for a month just a few weeks after you started dating.

Akari is coming over later for one of our mini-slumber parties since she's leaving tomorrow. I'm going to miss her the most. We've gotten very close over the last couple of months.

I go out in the living room and see that my mom is watching some Paralympic track and field on the TV. I think it's...the world championships or something. I have never done a very good job of getting into running, and I feel bad about it sometimes since my mom loves it so much. My dad really liked it too, though he wasn't quite as obsessed. But the fact that I knew I could never do it myself made it sort of hard for me to really get into watching it. Still, it is important to my mom. Especially because many of her students have competed over the years.

I stand behind her and through a yawn I say, "Anyone we know running today?"

She nods, "Yep. One of my former students is in the 100." She giggles. "You'll like that. It's the shortest one."

"I know that. I know smaller number means shorter. I'm not completely ignorant. Just…mostly."

She laughs before taking a more serious tone. "There's still a little while until the race, so I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay. Why so serious, though? I am trying to relax and enjoy my vacation. I don't know if I want to be serious."

"Well, because I think it's something important. Now that tests are over and summer vacation is here, are you planning on moving to the dorms in the fall?"

"Um…no, I don't think so. I think I still want to stay home."

She sighs and frowns, "Are you only staying at home because of me?"

Dammit.

"Wh-what? Why would you think that?"

"Because before we lost your dad you seemed excited about dorm life. When you changed your mind, I suspected it was because you didn't want me to be alone. At the time, I didn't say anything because…well, I think I did kind of need you here for a little while longer. But now I think you need to go."

"But-"

"Just let me finish. I don't want you to miss out on that just because you're worried about me. I'll be okay. I mean, we will still live really close to each other. It isn't like most of the kids at Yamaku, whose parents live far away."

"I just…I don't want you to be all alone in the evenings, mom. I hate imagining that."

"I'll be okay on my own, sweetie. I'm not completely helpless. Look, even if I am struggling, I can go hang out with Chisato and Mitsuru. If I am having a particularly hard day, I can even tell you and you can come stay for the night."

"B-but what about when you have your nightmare?"

She scoffs, "If that's your big concern, the nightmare is pretty predictable these days. You could just stay here on the nights around the anniversary."

She gets up and hugs me, "Look, sweetie. I love that you want to help me, but I really want you to experience the dorms. Your dad wanted it too. I think you should move there after summer vacation. I'm not going to make you. But I do think it's what will make you the happiest."

I do feel left out sometimes. I always have to come back home fairly early in the evening, when I could be spending more time with my friends. And I don't even stay into the evening that often because I feel bad for making my mom pick me up.

"Okay…you're right. I do want to live there. But you have to promise me you'll let me know when you need me to come stay here for a night or two."

She pulls back from the hug and smiles up at me. "I will. You do the same, you know. You're always welcome. Akari too. I'm not telling you to stay away or anything."

"Okay."

"What time will Akari be here, anyway?"

"I think pretty soon."

"She doesn't need a ride?"

"Nope. She wanted to walk. The girl likes to walk. For you relatively able-bodied people it's a pretty short walk, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is." She crosses her arms. "'Relatively able-bodied,' huh?"

"Well, yeah. You two can walk up and down the hill without risking serious injury. Seems able-bodied to me."

She laughs. "Well, just remember that Akari and I have some struggles you don't. Like for example, how you happen to have legs. And how you didn't spend your childhood having surgeries."

I sigh, "Yes, I know. We all have different struggles. I didn't mean anything by it. I guess…I'm just a little jealous you two can do that walk. It seems like it would be really nice. But as you just pointed out, there are things you two envy about me."

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I get it out and see a text from Akari, "Speaking of which, she is walking this way now."

Not too much later Akari arrives at the door and I let her in.

I say, "Hey there. Happy summer vacation!"

She smiles and comes in and gives me a quick hug. "Yeah, a vacation is nice. K-kind of sucks that I'm leaving for a month, though."

"Yeah, but you'll be back. Won't it be nice to see your family?"

She nods. "Speaking of which, I wanted to see if you c-could meet them tomorrow."

"Yeah, that would be nice. I am free all day tomorrow. I mean…I would maybe like to sleep in, but I can make an exception."

"They probably won't be here until noon. Surely, you'll be up b-by then?"

I laugh, "Yeah. I think I can manage."

We walk into the living room where my mom is now standing and watching TV so intently that she doesn't even say hi to Akari. Her student must be running, or about to. I know better than to disturb her.

Akari looks kind of disappointed because my mom is usually so happy to see her. "Oh um…let's go to my room for now and put your stuff down."

Once we're in my room Akari says, "What w-was that about? She looked kind of scary."

I laugh, "She is kind of scary. She has a former student competing in a …big athletic event…thing. And she gets intense. The track coach version of my mom is a bit different than the one we know. It should be over quickly though. She was excited to see you, I promise."

"Oh, I see. I thought I sort of recognized her face. My d-dad is big into New Japan Pro Wrestling, and looks sort of the same when it's going on." She laughs, "Of course he doesn't actually know the competitors. And it isn't really a c-competition since the winners are predetermined, but the look of intensity is the s-same."

"So, your dad is a French horn playing fan of pro wrestling. Can't be that many of those. I'm now looking forward to meeting him even more tomorrow. What do your parents do, anyway? We haven't talked that much about them."

"They are both professors at the University of Tokyo. He is a history professor, specializing in medieval Europe. My m-mom is a Literature professor, specializing in 19th century English literature."

"Oh, that's really interesting. They must have both spent a lot of time in the West."

She nods, "They actually met at Cambridge when they were both getting their PhDs."

"Have you been over there?"

She frowns, "I...have. We went after my lupus went into remission. B-but my anxiety was bad and I didn't have very m-much fun."

We hear a knock on the door and my mom says, "Hey girls, I'm ready to be sociable now."

I open the door and we join my mom in the living room.

I ask, "How did your student do?"

"She did well. Made it to the last heat. No podium though."

I nod, pretending I know what all that means. Well, I do get the podium part. I think. The rest is a mystery. Akari seems to be following my lead.

"I know I usually cook for our girls' nights, but the track stuff threw me off. I was thinking of having something delivered. That okay with you two?"

"No, mom. You must cook. Now go get in the kitchen." I aggressively point in the direction of the kitchen.

She smirks at me, "So in a sarcastic way, you just said 'takeout is good' right?"

I nod.

"Obviously it's f-fine with me too."

"Good. I have a menu for that Chinese place we like somewhere."

We order our food and then we sit and chat in the living room.

"Did you tell her yet, Kayoko?"

"Tell her what?"

"Where you'll be living?"

"Oh. No." I turn to Akari. "I will be moving to the dorms in the Fall."

Akari smiles big and bounces a little on the couch, "That's awesome! I think the room across the hall from m-me is empty. It would be cool to be neighbors."

"It would! I will have to see if we can make that happen." I look at my mom hopefully.

She smirks. "Sweetie, I have worked at Yamaku for 30 years. Your dad worked there for 24. If I can't get you the dorm room you want, especially when it's unoccupied, I would be really disappointed in myself."

Akari squeaks and launches herself at me for a hug, causing me to grunt.

My mom looks at me with some concern for a moment, but I tell her I'm fine with my eyes.

My mom laughs, "Although before you can be neighbors, we may need to give Akari a training on how not to hurt my daughter."

I laugh, but Akari breaks our hug and looks embarrassed.

"S-sorry."

"Just try to be gentler to be safe. Whatever you think gentle is, go one step even more gentle."

Akari nods with a determined expression on her face. It will be interesting to see if she remembers this training in the excited moments when she hugs me like that.

My mom laughs, "Okay, you have passed your training. Well done. You two can officially be neighbors. Congratulations."

We chat for a while longer and eat dinner before my mom turns in early as usual. We watch TV for a little bit before turning in ourselves.

Once we're in bed, Akari says "I'm really excited to be neighbors. I think it will help me with my anxiety. In a-addition to it just being nice to see you more, of course."

"Yeah. I am excited too. I have wanted to live in the dorms for a long time. Since before I started going to Yamaku. But I was worried about leaving my mom alone."

"Oh…yeah, will she be okay?"

"She said she would be. But I made her promise she would tell me if she needed me. I'm…a little skeptical she will honor that. And worried. But I think she'll be okay."

"That's good. We can always just c-come visit her too."

"Yep. She made a point of saying we were always welcome."

"Um…I'm really glad I found you and your mom. You both make me feel…I dunno, part of the family. It has…" Her voice cracks. "It's been really important. Getting me through things. Especially after I had to stop t-texting Carsten." She laughs, "I guess I am glad I ran into you that day. I…don't know if I would have ever worked up the nerve to t-talk to anyone, if I didn't feel so guilty."

I laugh, "I guess I'm glad too then. It was probably worth being in a sling for a couple of weeks."

---

The next day I sleep in until 10, and Akari is already gone. My mom is at work, too. She works part of the day until we leave for Chiba. There are a few students who she sees that are still here, like Carsten.

I laze around the house for a while, before getting a text from Akari around 11.

"Can you meet at the Shanghai at noon? My parents want to eat there before we go."

Luckily the Shanghai is a place I can walk to. It's only a few minutes from the house and there's no hills or anything. It's a tea house that has been here forever. So long that my parents went there as students. It has changed ownership several times over the years, but it has always stayed open. It has even been remodeled several times.

I reply, "Yep. I will be there. See you soon."

...

An hour later, I set out for the Shanghai. When I get there, I notice Akari has texted me to say they are already inside.

When I go in, I see Akari right away and she waves to me. Her parents are currently seated with their backs to me.

I approach the table and her parents smile at me and get up. They are both very small people. Which isn't too surprising given the size of their daughter. I would go so far as to describe them both as 'mousey'. Her mother is only slightly taller than my mom, and she has black hair that is graying at the temples. Her father is a little taller and bald apart from the back of his head and his temples.

They are both dressed exactly how I would expect university professors to be. They both wear glasses with thick rims. Her father has on a blazer with leather patches on the elbows. It is hard to believe this man loves pro wrestling but looks can be deceiving I suppose. Her mother is wearing a black skirt, a white button down, and a black blazer.

"Mom, dad, this is Kayoko, she's my b-best friend."

I smile at them. "It's so nice to meet you both."

Her dad laughs and says in a surprisingly deep voice for a man his size, "So, she's real!"

His wife shoots him a glare and his facial expression becomes contrite instantly. I guess I know who the boss is here.

She says, "It is very nice to meet you too. We have heard a lot about you. Please, join us."

I sit down in the booth next to Akari who smiles at me. I smile back.

Her mother says, "It's so lovely that you two are friends. I understand your mother has been quite welcoming too. Will we have a chance to meet her?"

"Not today, unfortunately. She's at work. But I am sure you can meet her another time."

Her mother nods, "We would really like to thank you for looking after our daughter. I assume you know how hard things have been for our Akari. We're very happy she found a friend who has guided her through things. It can't have been easy for you."

I don't like how they're talking about her. It's like they can't believe I'm her friend. Her dad made a joke about it. Her mother is more subtle, but it's almost worse. It's like she thinks me befriending her is some immense act of kindness or some kind of burden. Still, I just met them. I shouldn't draw too many conclusions.

"You don't really need to thank me. I'm happy to be her friend. I like being around her. She's helped me a lot too. She's just a really great girl."

This seems to catch her parents somewhat off guard. They exchange a look and then look at me with a hint of surprise.

Ending the silence, Akari adds in a quiet, but sharp voice, "M-mom, this friendship isn't just her p-pitying me or…p-protecting me. Or t-taking care of me. Or whatever you seem t-to think. I…understand why y-you might think that…but…that's n-not how it is."

Okay, so she picked up on the same thing I did.

Both of her parents look at Akari as if they've never seen her before.

Eventually, her mother says, "Akari, you seem to have changed a lot since you came here. I think for the better."

Okay…not sure I love that either, because it makes it sound like you used to think she was a really flawed person.

I look at Akari, who looks too exasperated to say anything.

Then I say, "Well. I do think she has gotten more confident. But I think she's always been great. Even when I first met her and she was struggling with adjusting to things."

Akari smiles at me. Her parents exchange another look and then look at me like I'm speaking Martian.

Eventually her mother says, "Well, of course. She has always been lovely. She just hasn't always been able to show people that. We are very happy she is better able to do that now."

Okay, I think that's a more acceptable thing for her to say. I feel like I had to guide her here though.

From here, the conversation thankfully becomes less tense. Me, Akari, and her father spend some time talking about music, and I can see that the shared hobby between Akari and her dad has made them close, as they really light up when discussing it together. It's probably the warmest thing I saw between Akari and her parents during the whole lunch. Her mom never seemed anything more than cold and distant. It came off as very strange to me.

Eventually, it becomes time for them to go. Akari gives me a noticeably gentler hug goodbye and I tell them to have a nice vacation.

When I get back to the house, I notice I have a text from Akari that says,

"Sorry about them. Especially my mom. They think I'm weak because of my anxiety."

I reply, "Yeah. I picked up on that. It annoyed me. I hope I wasn't too rude."

"You weren't. You handled my mom better than me or my dad can. Anyway, have a nice vacation! Keep in touch."

---

After a couple more nice days of sleeping in and lazing around the house, I find that I'm actually pretty bored. Just as I'm trying to decide what I should do with my day, I get a text from Carsten that says,

"Hey, you're still here, right? Do you want to hang out this evening with me and Ai?"

I wouldn't mind seeing them. But I'm a little worried about being alone with them and it getting awkward. Oh well, they are my friends. I should give it a try.

I reply, "Sure, what did you have in mind?"

He says, "I'm making dinner, we're eating in my dorm."

I reply, "That sounds like a date for just you two. Are you sure you want me to come?"

He says, "Yeah. Ai says she wants to get to know you better."

Oh. Well, that's nice. I guess we don't know each other all that well, even though I have come to think of her as a friend.

"Okay, I'll be there."

...

When I knock on the door to Carsten's room, Ai opens the door, and she smiles up at me. "Hey Kayoko, come on in. Carsten is off cooking."

I do as she says, and I take a seat at the desk and she positions herself across from me.

"So, things are going pretty well between you two, I take it?"

She blushes bright red and looks embarrassed, "Yeah. Really great. He's…he's just amazing. I'm kind of sad I'm leaving in a few days. I'm going to miss him a lot."

"Yeah, I can imagine that wouldn't be very much fun. But you two can stay in touch and you'll be back before you know it, right?"

She nods, "Yeah. That's the plan. I just want to thank you again, for helping us."

"Did I really do that much?"

She starts fiddling with her braid. "More than you think. Talking to you about it before I made a move was really important. I was…really nervous about it. I know I come off as some experienced flirt. That's kind of what I try to make people think. But Carsten's my first boyfriend. I was really scared to put myself out there. But you made me feel better about it."

I smile at her, "Well, I'm glad to help. I'm just glad you are both so happy together. It's nice to see."

She smiles at me, "Thanks."

"Watching you that day was impressive. Even more impressive if you were nervous the whole time. Didn't seem like you'd never had a boyfriend before."

"Impressive?"

"Yeah. You really knew how to flirt just the right amount. He knew you liked him after that lunch."

She laughs, "Well thank you. I was nervous the whole time. But it was surprisingly easy. Every little thing I did, he responded in a way that made it easy for me to keep going."

"Yeah, he was certainly receptive, wasn't he? I was taking mental notes. I…don't really seem to know how to act around a guy I like. I get nervous too but instead of being all cute and flirty I just end up stuttering and being scared."

She giggles "Well, I hope observing me helped then. Is there a guy you like right now?"

"Not really. I confessed to a guy a few months ago, it didn't go so well. That's the extent of my romantic experience. I like the idea of having a boyfriend though."

She nods, "I'm sure you'll find one. Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Are we…too much sometimes? Me and Carsten. Be honest."

"Honest, huh?"

She nods, while I try to think of a way to say this that won't hurt anyone's feelings.

"Well, I do feel uncomfortable sometimes. When it's just the three of us and you two are being all romantic and stuff. I'm glad you guys are so happy, though. So, I can deal with it."

She nods, "I guess that makes sense. We…probably should tone it down when we're in public. Is that why Akari stopped coming to lunch?"

Oh shit. I was kind of wondering if they were too in love to notice that Akari disappeared for the last few weeks. Guess not.

"No, I don't think so. She fell far behind in some of her classes and had to make up for it by not coming to lunch. I think after summer vacation it will be back to the four of us."

I think that sounded pretty good for something I made up on the fly.

Just as it looks like Ai is going to ask a follow up question, Carsten knocks on the door. I get up and let him in. "Hey Kayoko! Glad you could make it."

He puts the food down on his desk and gives Ai a quick kiss. I recognize some chicken, but the rest of the food looks alien to me. It's…some kind of pasta, or something? I'm sure it's something German. I have certainly encountered some interesting international cuisine since I came to Yamaku.

Carsten sees me looking at the food with curiosity and he says, "It's spaetzle."

Is that supposed to clear things up for me?

He laughs at the confused look on my face, "They are basically really tiny dumplings."

"It does smell good." I giggle. "Just don't ask me to say that word."

Ai giggles and tries to say it herself. Carsten nods as if she said it correctly, but it didn't quite sound the same coming from her. I guess her boyfriend is German, so she should probably make the effort.

We sit down to eat and talk about our summer plans. And, to their credit, the two of them aren't overly affectionate for the rest of the evening. I guess maybe they had a talk about this already, given that Ai asked me my opinion about the situation.

"Alright, my mom's here to pick me up. Thanks for inviting me you two. It was a lot of fun."

Ai responds, "It was. Thanks for coming. Hey, Kayoko, can I have your number? I'd like to stay in touch over the break."

"Yeah, that would be nice." After we're done exchanging numbers I say, "Well, you two have a nice rest of your night, and a nice vacation if I don't see you."

[guthrum06]

I'm packing in my room. Tomorrow, we are going to Chiba, then coming back here for a week, then going to Sendai. I'm glad it's broken up like that. Back-to-back weeks would be rough. We don't really see my dad's parents in Chiba very often, so I'm especially looking forward to that.

Just as I'm looking at two different skirts and deciding which one I want to bring to Chiba, my phone vibrates. It's a text from Ai. I haven't heard from her since we exchanged numbers. When I open her message, it stresses me out. It simply says,

"Does Akari like Carsten?"

No 'Hello, how are you' or any other pleasant greeting. I…don't know how I'm supposed to answer this. This must have been what she wanted to ask me the other night. I would not have handled this well in person. I'm going to need some advice, luckily my mom is pretty good at this kind of thing.

I come out of my room and go to my mom's bedroom, where she's packing. She's zipping her running blades away in a special case when I walk in.

"Hey…mom? What do you think I should do about this text?" I hand her my phone.

She smirks. "I take it this is that other girl? The one who was 'all over' Carsten?"

I laugh, "Yeah, that's her. We're friends."

"It looks like this is the first text she has ever sent you."

"Yeah, it is. I guess this question is one that is really burning in her mind or something."

"Well, I don't know what to say to her. Partly because I'm not sure I know the answer to the question. Does Akari still like him?"

"I guess I don't know. She still hasn't come back to lunch, but it has been about a week since the end of the trimester."

My mom hands my phone back to me. "Maybe talk to Akari about it?"

"Oh. Yeah. That's a good idea. I guess I'm a little worried about stressing her out. But…if I'm going to answer this question, she should probably have a say in how I do it."

My mom nods. "Go call her. Don't forget to finish packing, though!"

"Yeah, yeah. I won't."

I go back to my room and call Akari. We've texted a lot since she left but haven't talked on the phone. I know it makes her more nervous. But this is the kind of thing that I think needs to be talked out. She picks up after a couple of rings and sounds very upbeat.

"Hey Kayoko."

"Hi, Akari, how are you?"

"I'm g-good. I was about to call you. Carsten just texted me and said we could hang out at some point over the break, since we're both in T-tokyo."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah…I haven't responded yet."

"This is really weird, because Ai just texted me asking me if you like Carsten."

"Wh-what did you s-say?"

"I didn't say anything. I was calling to see what I should say. Do you still like Carsten?"

She sighs and sounds considerably less energetic than she did a minute ago., "I w-would have said n-no before today. But I was r-really excited when he texted me. It h-has been...s-so long since he texted me. So…I think I still d-do. I thought m-maybe they broke up and that's why he w-wanted to see me. Guess that was s-stupid, huh?"

"No. I don't think so. Like you told me about my most recent romantic failure, this kind of thing is hard. He likes you as a friend obviously. I think if I really liked a guy, and he told me he wanted to meet up over break I would have thought the same thing."

"Yeah. I thought I was doing w-well with the situation before he texted me. I hadn't even b-been thinking about him. Now it's like…back to square one. Why do I still like him? I haven't t-talked to him in weeks."

"I wish I could say. I'm sorry. I'd give you a nice hug if I could. I guess we need to figure out how we're both going to respond."

She sighs, "Yeah. I wonder why they t-texted at the same time?"

"Hmm. Maybe he told her he was thinking of hanging out with you, and that made her worry that you might like him."

"Yeah, that makes sense I g-guess. Why would she be worried, though?"

I laugh, "I think it means she sees you as a potential rival."

She laughs softly, "Th-that makes me feel kind of good. Weirdly."

"It should. You're super pretty, she knows it."

I swear I can hear Akari blush over the phone. "Thanks. But I would never t-try to take him if they're together."

"I know. But Ai doesn't know that."

She laughs, "This has been a funny c-conversation. I felt really good, then r-really bad. Now I feel pretty good again."

I laugh. "Well, what matters is how you end up feeling. What do you want me to tell her?"

She sighs. "I guess…tell her no. But I'm also n-not going to hang out with Carsten."

"That makes sense. Keep the distance going. It seems like it is working."

"Yeah. Okay. Thanks a lot Kayoko. Miss you."

"Miss you too, bye."

I open the text from Ai and start to reply. I think if I just outright said "no" it might sound more like the lie that it is. Instead, I go with, "Not that I know of." Not long after, I get a reply of, "Okay, thanks." I guess I'll assume that means she bought it.

---

We've just arrived at my grandma and grandpa's house in Chiba after a long train ride. This is the first time we will see them since they visited us for a couple of weeks after my dad died. My grandma greets us at the door with big smiles and warm hugs. Apparently, grandpa is taking a nap.

They are both in their 80s and retired now. We join my grandma in the living room, and she invites me to sit next to her on the couch, so I do.

"It's lovely to see you both. We're glad you could make it." She looks at me as if she's appraising me.

"My, Kaychan, you've become a woman since I last saw you, haven't you?"

"Um…"

My mom giggles, "Yes, she has. She's got quite the figure now, doesn't she?"

"MOM!"

It's true, I guess. I was a bit of a late bloomer. I have grown a lot in the last year and a half, both in height and in…other places. But it is still awkward to talk about it. I guess we're all women at least.

My grandma smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I merely meant to say you've grown up a lot. And you look beautiful."

"Thank you. How have you been doing grandma?"

She breaks eye contact with me and looks down before she says "Oh…pretty well." There is very clearly a hint of sadness in her voice.

My mom says, "That's…a surprisingly vague answer…and not very convincing. Is everything okay?"

My grandma looks at my mom and her stoic face falters slightly as she shifts her eyes back to the ground. "Mostly. My husband is having a harder time getting around. His lower back is really bothering him. That's why he's resting now. We will have to move soon, I think."

The bedrooms at my grandparents' house are all upstairs.

My mom says, "He's having a hard time with the stairs?"

She nods.

"Well, we could get you one of those stair lifts. He would just sit in it, and it would take him up and down."

"We've thought about that. But we think it's probably time to move. This is just too much house now. Hard for us to keep up with it. "

My mom sits down next to my grandma and grabs her hand, they smile at each other. "I'm sorry. You two have lived here for 60 years, haven't you?"

She nods.

"That must be hard." My mom glances at me for a moment for some reason. "Would you consider moving closer to us? We'd love to be able to help you and see you more. We really miss you two."

My grandma doesn't look as happy to hear this as I expected.

"I don't know, dear. You…already have so much on your plate. We don't want to be a burden."

My mom starts to tear up. "But…you two could never be a burden to me, okay? I love you both. As much as my own parents. If I can do anything to help, I'm happy to. I want to take care of you two, okay? Hisao and I talked about this, and we always wanted you to come live near us when you were ready. I…I know he isn't here anymore, but that doesn't change this. It's still what I want."

I add, "It's what I want too, grandma."

My grandma starts crying, and my mom hugs her. "Th-thank you. We didn't know what to do. We felt very lost. Your grandpa will be happy to hear this too."

"I wish you had told me about this sooner. I could have done something before you felt like this."

My grandma frowns, "I'm sorry dear. When…when we last saw you, you were still having such a hard time…"

We video chat with them every week, but the last they saw my mom in person she had only recently pulled herself back together and it was barely working. Probably hard for them to forget that.

My mom starts to tear up and moves closer to my grandma, "I…understand why you thought that...and why you weren't sure you should tell me about this. I wasn't in a very good place for a little while. But I'm doing much better now."

My grandma smiles and puts a hand on my mom's cheek. "Yes, I can see that. You look wonderful."

"Thank you. Just tell me about these things from now on, okay? If you need help." My mom gestures towards me and back to herself. "We're your family and we love you. We want to do everything we can for you."

My grandma nods and looks at both of us and says, "I love you too. I won't hide things from you anymore, now that I know you're doing better."

My mom smiles. "Good. Now, can we stop with the emotional stuff and just talk about Kayoko's figure?"

All three of us giggle. Even me.

Then we hear a voice from the stairwell, "What's all the giggling about?"

This just makes us giggle more.

It takes my grandpa awhile to get down the stairs, but at least that means he is being careful. I have to be extra careful on stairs too so I can relate.

Once he's down the stairs I go over and give him a hug. He reminds me so much of my dad. Especially his eyes and his hair and how he hugs me. It makes me not want to let go.

He smiles at me, "Well, this is a nice way to say hello." I just nod while I continue to hug him. Eventually I feel my mom hovering behind me, and I release him. She gives him a similarly long hug. I'm sure she feels the same as me about his hug being dad-like.

He laughs, "It's not that I don't like long hugs, but did something happen while I was sleeping?"

My grandma says, "They invited us to come live near them. So, that's what we'll be doing."

My grandpa smiles, "Oh? And I didn't even get to be part of the decision?"

My mom, who is still hugging him says, "Oh, hush up. You know you want to live closer to us."

He laughs, "You're right about that. Thank you, Emi."

...

After that, we make dinner for them. It's my mom's delicious sesame soba stir fry, and now we are all sitting down to dinner.

While we are eating my grandma says, "You made this for us the first night we met you, didn't you?"

My mom laughs. "I did. It was Hisao's favorite, so he thought it was what I should go with that day."

My grandpa says, "It's still just as good now as it was then."

My mom smiles, "Thank you. I hope if you become our neighbors in town, I will be cooking a lot for you."

My grandparents both look pleased with that suggestion. I think having them over for dinner a lot will be nice.

My grandma smirks, "Emi, do you remember when we first met?"

"Of course." She points towards the kitchen, "It was right over there."

My grandma smiles mischievously, "Do you remember how...polite and formal you were?"

My mom turns bright red in an instant and she bows her head in embarrassment while my grandma laughs.

"Wait, you? Polite and formal? She's talking about you, mom!?"

Without looking up, my mom says, "Yes. She is talking about me. But for the last 23 years I thought she didn't notice it had happened. Or at least…I hoped she didn't."

I look around at people's faces for answers, and I'm not getting any, so I throw up my arms and say, "Okay, I'm lost."

My grandma laughs, "When I first met your mother, she was very stiff and formal. Offered me refreshments in my own home like I was at a restaurant."

I look at my mom, dumbfounded, "What?!"

My mom is still too embarrassed to look up. She says, "I was nervous, okay! And that happened...for some reason." She pokes at me. "You try meeting the parents of the man you love before you judge."

We all laugh at my mom's expense.

My mom sighs and wrings her hands together, "Luckily, when you went upstairs Hisao pointed out that I was being weird, and I fixed it."

My grandma laughs, "Yes, it was almost like I was meeting a completely different woman after my bath." She smiles. "I liked the second one better."

My mom blushes and looks up, "Thank you. That whole visit was…really great. One of the best Christmases. Maybe the best."

My grandpa smiles, "That's how we remember it too."

---

We're riding the train back home after a very nice week with my dad's parents. My mom is already brainstorming the logistics of having them move nearby.

"Kayoko, you plan on going away to university, right?"

"Um…yeah. I guess so. What, are you ready to get rid of me already?"

She laughs, "Of course not, sweetie. I was just thinking it probably makes more sense for them to rent for now, and then once you've moved out, they could move in with me."

"You know, I guess they could even move in now, with me moving into the dorms."

My mom thinks about this for a second and then scrunches up her face and shakes her head, "I kind of don't think they will go for that. They have been independent for so long. I think having them move to town first will be better and then once they want to, they can move in with me. And anyway, I don't really want to make you give up your room until you move out entirely."

I nod, "Yeah, that makes sense."

I smile at her and lean into her a little bit. "You're doing a really good job with them. I think Dad would be really happy."

She smiles back, "Thank you sweetie. I hope so."

Suddenly I think of something. "Hey, what's the plan for your mom and Sho?"

She frowns, "I had tunnel vision and hadn't thought of that. When we go visit them next week, I guess we should probably sort that out."

---

I'm at home, and there's a few days before we go to Sendai.

My mom got in contact with a real estate agent as soon as we got back, and she is already working hard to find a place close to ours for my grandparents.

It is also now official that I will be living in the dorms in the fall, and my room has been assigned to me.

Most of my friends are still out of town, but Daisuke is back from his trip with Kaito so we're going to go and check out my dorm room and grab a bite to eat.

While I'm getting ready, my phone rings. I expect it to be Akari, who I talk with on the phone almost every day these days, but to my surprise it is Ai. She hasn't said anything to me since asking me about Akari.

I pick the call up, "Hey, Ai. How are you?"

"Hi Kayoko, um…I'm not doing great. I haven't heard from Carsten in a while, do you know anything about that?"

I get worried enough that I sit down on my bed. "No, I don't. That's not good."

"That's what I thought. Earlier he said he was going to do karaoke with some of his friends, but I haven't heard anything since.

"Wait…what did you mean by 'awhile'?"

"About 4 hours."

I breathe a sigh of relief and put my hand on my forehead. "Jeez, Ai. You really had me worried. I thought it had been days or something."

She sounds dejected. "Oh…sorry. He just usually doesn't go so long without talking to me."

"Well if he is out with friends maybe he's just busy, or maybe his phone died."

She doesn't sound convinced. "Yeah…maybe."

"You sound really worried about this and it seems pretty small. Why?"

She sighs, "I dunno. I miss him a lot. I know he misses me too. But…I'm worried, I guess, when he is out this long without talking to me. Worried…he met someone…or something."

"Ai, we're talking about Carsten. First, he would never cheat on any girl. I'm sure about that. Second, he's absolutely crazy about you."

She still doesn't sound convinced. "Yeah…I guess so."

"Come on, Ai. You must trust him more than that. He's a good guy."

"I…I do trust him. I just…oh, never mind."

"I'm happy to talk to you about this. But if you don't want to, that's okay too."

She sighs and is silent for several seconds and then says, "I'm worried I'm…not good enough."

"Why would you think that? He didn't say something did he?! Does he need a talking to?"

"No. Nothing like that. I just…" After pausing for a moment, a torrent of words comes spilling out of her mouth at breakneck speed. "I worry he will decide he doesn't want to be with me. That the wheelchair thing is too much. That he'll find a girl just as pretty and fun as me who doesn't need one. A girl who is just as mobile as he is and won't hold him back."

"Well, I guess I understand being worried about that some. I guess if I had a boyfriend, I might find myself worried about similar things, since there's lots of stuff I can't do. But I will say that I can't imagine Carsten being a guy who dumps you for being in a wheelchair. Can you?"

"No…I guess not."

"I know I have absolutely no experience in this, so maybe take what I say with a grain of salt, but I think you should talk to him about this. Tell him you're self-conscious about it. I think he can probably relate some, with his leg. He'll understand. I think you'll feel a lot better. And then maybe you won't call me and give me a heart attack if you haven't heard from him for a few hours."

She laughs for the first time in this conversation, "How do you know so much about this stuff?"

I laugh, "I'm not sure I do. Maybe just seeing how my mom and dad were? That's really the only thing I can think of. I don't know."

"You are so level-headed about these things. You would be way better at being a girlfriend than me."

I giggle, "Well, I think the fact that I'm outside the situation makes it easier. If I ever have a boyfriend, I can imagine staying calm would be a bit harder. Maybe then you'll give me some level-headed advice."

She laughs, "Maybe. Well, you made me feel a lot better about stuff. I do need to tell him this. It is a problem I have. Being self-conscious about my disability. He should know. Thanks a lot, Kayoko."

"Hey, no problem. By the way, you do know you can text or call me about non-Carsten stuff too, right?"

"Ugh, is that really all I ever talk to you about?"

I laugh, "Pretty much, yeah."

"I'm sorry. I guess I am just so wrapped up in it, and I know you know him really well…I will try to be a better friend than that. Kind of sounds like I'm using you…and I don't want to do that. I like you as a friend beyond the Carsten stuff, promise."

I laugh, "I believe you. Well, I've gotta go. Good luck."

"Okay, thanks a ton, Kayoko. Bye."

...

I'm in the girls' dorms at Yamaku, standing in front of a door that I think is mine.

"This is it, right?"

Daisuke answers, "Yep, that's the right room number. And that's Akari's across the hall, isn't it?"

"Yep. Okay, well, here we go."

I put the key in the lock and open the door before entering my dorm room. Obviously, it doesn't have any decorations right now, or even bedding, so it's a barren place. But I still find myself walking into the room and smiling and looking around in silence for a few seconds. It has a bed and a desk, and the back wall is all shelving. I'm imagining how I'll decorate it, what my clothes will look like in the closet, what I'll put on all the shelves. What furniture I might want. I also spend a bit of time imagining how nice it might be to have a boy in here with me some day. It will be so nice to be right across from Akari, too.

I'm brought out of the moment by a very rude Daisuke who sticks his head in and laughs at me and then says, "Yep, looks like a Yamaku dorm room."

I glare at him, "Excuse me. This is my first dorm room. The first time I'll be living on my own. Let me be happy about it, please."

He laughs and comes in the room the rest of the way and puts his arm around my shoulders, "You're right, I'm sorry. It is pretty cool. I remember being excited too."

"Yeah, see? I'm not all old and jaded like you."

He laughs, "It will be nice having you on campus. It'll be easier for us to hang out."

I nod, "Yeah. That's one thing I really missed this first trimester. Having to go home early while everyone who lived here was still hanging out and stuff. I…am worried about my mom, though."

"Yeah, I know. It must be tough. But your mom is incredibly strong, and she'll be okay. I also know my parents are already planning on inviting her over more for dinner and stuff."

"Really? That's good. I'm going to go stay with her maybe once a week still too. Or whenever she says she might need me."

"See? It sounds like we've got it figured out. She'll have enough support and you can live here."

I smile at him, "Yeah. You're right."

He smiles back, "Of course I am. Should we go get something to eat? The cafeteria will be closed soon if we don't hurry."

"Yeah, let's go."

We leave my room and I take one last look at it before locking the door.

...

We barely make it to the cafeteria in time, but we do manage to get something resembling a decent dinner before they close. Now we're sitting in the cafeteria. We're the only ones here.

"So where did you and Kaito end up going?"

"We went up north, to Hokkaido. We stayed at a nice little cottage in the wilderness. It was great. Romantic too."

"That does sound nice. It must be nice traveling with your boyfriend like that."

He smiles, "It really is."

"How long have you two been together?"

He thinks about it for a moment and then says, "Almost two years."

Wow. I did not realize it was that long.

I do my best to conceal my surprise.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, it's kind of personal…"

He laughs, "Okay, now you're making me nervous, just ask."

"Why did you keep it a secret for so long? I mean, about Kaito."

He fidgets in his seat for a few seconds and pokes at his food, "I don't know. I mean…I do know, but it's going to sound stupid. I was just worried people would see me differently. When we first became a couple, Kaito felt the same way. He was especially worried about his parents."

I nod, "That makes sense. I guess you had to keep it a secret for him."

He sighs, "Yeah, that's how it started. But he told his parents about a year ago, and they were okay with it. But…I still wasn't ready. I guess…I guess I was sort of ashamed? Which I know is stupid, in this day and age… but it was still hard. People are more accepting these days, sure. But you're still looked at differently if you're gay. I didn't want to deal with it. It was hard. It's…still kind of hard. But I'm doing better, obviously."

"I don't think it's stupid. Having people look at you like you're 'not normal' can be tough. When I'm hurt, I get a lot of looks for being so young and needing a wheelchair or a cane."

He grimaces. "Yeah...I guess I shouldn't be complaining about this to someone who has dealt with it their whole life, huh?"

"Oh, I wasn't saying I have it worse. I was saying I can relate. It's the same thing, isn't it? I have a disability. It's part of who I am. Just like you loving Kaito is part of who you are. People are going to view us as different because of who we are. And it sucks."

He smiles at me, "Yeah. I guess that's true. I…am still sorry I didn't tell you. I really should have. You're important to me. That's...that's why I wanted you to meet Kaito. But then, me not telling you led to-"

"Daisuke, don't worry about it. I'm okay now. It was just a little speed bump for us. It doesn't matter now."

He nods and smiles. "Okay."

I check the time, "Well, I better call my mom to come get me, so I don't keep her up too late." I smile at him, "Luckily I won't have to be saying that too much longer."

...

When I got home from Yamaku, I have a text message from Carsten.

"Hey Kayoko, I hope you are having a nice vacation. Ai talked to me about what was bothering her and told me that you helped her. Thank you, you're a really great friend to us both."

I replied, "No problem. I quite like that girl, you know. If you break her heart you will have to answer to me. I might dislocate my wrist punching you, but it will hurt, I promise!"

He texts, "Hey, not fair. I was your friend first. What if she breaks my heart?"

I reply, "Don't worry, she'd have to answer to me too. But hopefully no hearts get broken. And my wrist doesn't get dislocated."

He sent, "Haha, good, just making sure. And yes, I hope no one gets hurt. I really love her. That's what being away from her has really made me realize."

I reply, "Aw, that's sweet. 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder,' as they say."

Then he texts, "Yeah, I guess so. Well, it will be nice to be back at school soon. Looking forward to seeing everyone."

I reply, "Yep! I'm looking forward to it too."

---

We're in the car on our way to Sendai. We'll be there most of the rest of the summer holidays. My mom isn't normally someone who gets very stressed. I guess maybe running helps with that, but I can tell she is feeling it now. She is clutching the steering wheel much more tightly than she needs to be and she looks lost in thought with a very worried expression on her face.

"Mom? Do you want to talk about anything?"

She sighs, "It's that obvious, huh? I was trying to hide it."

"Yeah, sorry."

"Well, it didn't really sink in until you said something about it on the way back from Chiba. I'm just realizing I'm really alone in caring for my mom, Sho, and your dad's parents as they get older. It's all happening at once, too. Your dad's parents need to move to a smaller house near us, then my mom's dementia…Why didn't any of them have more kids?" She laughs wryly.

"Yeah. That is a lot. I'll help as much as I can. Which I guess…isn't all that much. Sorry."

She smiles at me, "You're a big help, sweetie. You help with my morale a ton. I'm going to have to have a serious talk with my mom and Sho during this visit. We're going to have to figure out how they envision things going. I know it's stressful and stuff, and you don't have to do it, but I think you being there will help everyone."

"I'm happy to do that…but how would I help?"

"Well, I know your support will make me feel better. And I know my mom and Sho adore you, so I imagine it's the same for them."

"Okay, if you say so."

---

Our visit in Sendai has been really nice. We got to spend lots of time with my grandma and Sho. We had a new gravestone made for my grandpa, went for some nice walks, and my mom and Sho made lots of good food.

It is hard seeing how much worse my grandma's dementia has gotten though. She's still mostly herself, but she has a moment of confusion at least once during most lengthy conversations now. It's now our last night here, and my mom has put off the serious talk until now. We've all just finished a great meal and we're in a good mood. Which was my mom's plan.

My mom says, "We're really sorry we'll be leaving tomorrow. It has been a really nice visit."

My grandma smiles, "Yes, it has been lovely." She takes a moment to smile extra wide at me.

"So, I know this isn't really something any of us want to discuss. But we need to. Do you two know where you want to live? In the future, I mean."

My grandma's face shifts to one confusion, "…where we want to live?" She outstretches her arms. "Here."

Sho grabs my grandma's hand, and she smiles at him, "Meiko, I think she means as we get older."

My mom nods, "Hisao's parents have reached the point where they can't live in their house anymore. They are going to come live near us in town within the next few months. So…it got me thinking about you two."

My grandma crosses her arms and looks frustrated, maybe even offended. "I…I know I'm having some problems with my memory, dear. But I don't think we need to move any time soon."

Sho smiles at my grandma and softly says, "That might be true. But we still need to think about the day we might need to move. Don't you think?"

He is so good with her. They are so in love. It's a nice thing to see. But it also makes me sad because it's how my mom and dad should have been one day.

My grandma uncrosses her arms and sighs, "Well, I suppose when the time comes, we would want to come live near you, like the Nakais. But I don't think it will be soon."

Sho adds, "I do agree with her." He smiles at my grandma, "I'm going to do my best to care for you as long as I can. And stay here as long as we can. I think that will be for several more years at least."

Sho is a retired nurse and almost 10 years younger than my grandma, so he's probably right. I hope he is, at least.

To everyone's surprise, and especially Sho's, my grandma grabs him by the collar and with surprising force she pulls him into a long, romantic kiss. Me and my mom avert our eyes once we realize how long it is going and we smile when our eyes meet. My grandma has always been bold when it comes to this kind of thing, but her dementia probably played a role in this brazen public display of affection. Still, it's pretty cute.

Eventually, the kiss is over and Sho looks very embarrassed, but there's more than a hint of satisfaction on his face. My grandma looks at him lovingly. I can't help but giggle at the sight. This draws my grandma's attention, and she smiles at me.

"Oh. You two are still here?"

We all burst into laughter. Based on the sharpness with which she said it, and the perfect comedic timing, she is making a joke about her dementia and knew we were here all along.

Once we come down from our laughter my mom says, "Okay. Well, this all sounds good. You two, just please, tell me if you need help, okay? Hisao's parents probably waited a little too long…and I don't want that to happen with you two."

Sho nods, "We will."

My mom nods and then looks at her mother expectantly, making her scoff, roll her eyes, and unenthusiastically say "I promise I will too."

[guthrum06]

The fall trimester starts in two days. Akari, Carsten, and Ai all got back earlier today. Right now, Akari, my mom, and Daisuke are helping me move. It might seem like a lot of help for moving into a dorm room, but I can't really do any of the carrying. I could have asked Carsten and Ai to help too, but that would probably be overkill and I imagine they want to be alone since they are reuniting after so long.

Daisuke, my mom, and I are in my room boxing up some things I want to bring to my dorm.

My mom and Daisuke are dealing with the books, while I'm getting clothes and décor I want to bring with me.

My mom just finished packing a box and says, "Goodness. You sure want to bring a lot of books." She laughs, "Your father would be proud."

I laugh, "Well you know, it is school, mom. Books are kind of important."

She smirks at me, "Excuse me, little girl. Was that a shot at your mother?"

"I dunno, was it? How many books did you have in your Yamaku dorm room?"

Daisuke does his best to suppress a laugh, but my mom still glares at him and crosses her arms.

"Okay, I get it, you two. I wasn't the most industrious student at Yamaku, it's true. But I managed to do enough to graduate and get into a university, where I was far more studious. So cut me a little slack. Otherwise, Daisuke is going to be tasked with packing and carrying all the books."

We both laugh at her. I pat her on the shoulders. "I'm just teasing you, mom. You're every bit as smart as all us nerds."

She sticks her tongue out at me and says, "You got that right."

...

We park in the Yamaku faculty lot, where Akari is waiting with a big smile on her face. When I get out of the car, she hugs me very gently despite being incredibly excited. I guess she took my mom's 'training' to heart.

"I'm g-glad I'm back, and I'm r-really glad you're going to be my neighbor."

I pat her on the head and say "Me too."

When Daisuke gets out of the car, she looks at him a little nervously, and at first, I don't know why. Then I realize they haven't formally met. Between Akari leaving our group lunches to get some space from Carsten and me getting the space I needed from Daisuke, they never had the chance. Although they were both there last time I dislocated my elbow.

"Akari, this is Daisuke. Daisuke, this is Akari."

"H-hi D-daisuke, it's nice to m-me-"

Daisuke hugs Akari, rendering her silent and he says, "Thanks for being such a good friend to her." I guess he figured out that she really helped me through stuff when I was getting over him.

"N-no p-problem."

My mother is starting to get impatient. "So, are we going to stand around here talking and hugging all afternoon, or are we going to move Kayoko?" While she tries to play it off as a joke, she sounds genuinely irritated.

It's enough for Akari and Daisuke to immediately get to work. The three of them each get a box, and I lead the way, opening doors for them. Unfortunately, this is the most I can do. I can unpack the boxes once they are in my room, but I can't carry them very safely.

Once we've gotten everything up to the room, which takes three trips, we all take a rest. Me, my mom, and Akari sit down on the bed, while Daisuke sits at the desk.

My mom seems to be testing how comfortable the bed is by bouncing up and down a little bit. Then she says, "You know, you all are lucky these new dorm halls are so much more spacious. Back in my day the rooms were about half this size, the beds were tiny even for me and we had to use communal showers. One bathroom for the whole floor."

I quip, "Man, the 1950s sound like they were really hard." Akari and Daisuke both burst out laughing.

This earns me a hard poke in the ribs, "You sure are enjoying teasing your mother today, aren't you?"

I wrap my arms around my mom, surprising her. "I'm gonna miss you, mom. I guess I'm just making fun of you to cope."

My mom removes her finger from my ribs and hugs me back, "I'll miss you too sweetie. I'm sorry if I've been a bit…cranky today. I think that's how I've been coping. But we'll still see each other a lot. I'm glad you're doing this."

She looks at Daisuke and Akari and says, "Can you two give us a minute?" The two of them step out into the hall, and I think even hear Akari invite Daisuke into her room. That's impressive for her.

Once they're gone, my mom stands up and opens the box that has my bedding in it and pulls out something soft and fluffy. She holds it out to me and says, "I snuck this into this box. Do you know what this is?"

I nod, "I-It's one of the capybaras that dad got you when you were still dating."

She smiles and briefly hugs it to her chest before holding it out to me, "That's right. I wanted you to have this one."

This surprises me because she wouldn't even let me play with them when I was little. I got my own capybara at the zoo, but I never liked it as much as the two she wouldn't let me touch.

"A-are you sure?"

She nods, and she gets choked up. "I'm sure. I thought it would be…a n-nice way to have both me and your d-dad here with you. And I have the other one at home. S-so when we get in bed at night, even though we're not together, we c-can think of each other." She's crying softly now.

It's really sappy and even kind of silly, but I know the gesture means a lot. And I know we're really going to miss each other. So that's okay.

I take the capybara and hug it, and I start crying too. After we both cry for a bit, my mom pulls herself together and says,

"Hey, you're getting him all wet with your tears. I know real capybaras like the water, but these don't do so well with it."

I laugh, "Thank you mom. Remember to call me if you need me, okay?"

She nods, "I will. You do the same. Now, I should get going. You have fun with your friends."

We hug again, and my mom leaves. It's a little bit scary. I've never lived somewhere without her. But…it's also exciting.

I wipe away my tears, cross the hallway and knock on Akari's door. She answers and I see Daisuke sitting at her desk. He looks very out of place in the pink nightmare that is Akari's room.

"Daisuke, you're free to go." I laugh. "Thank you for your help. Tell Kaito I said hi."

He gets up and hugs me and says "I'm glad you'll be living here. It was nice to meet you, Akari. I hope to see more of you."

She nods and Daisuke leaves.

"Well, do you want to help me unpack?"

She nods enthusiastically, and we go about really making it into my dorm room.

...

We finished unpacking, and then ordered some food with some extra money my mom gave me for that purpose. We just finished eating, and I'm looking around the room with pride. It feels like home. My books are all on the shelves, my clothes are in the closet, and the bed is made. I could use some more decorations. Right now I have just have a few posters from home. But I'll think about that later.

Akari is admiring the capybara on the bed, and she asks, "This is really c-cute but…what is it? It is from a m-manga?"

I laugh, "Nope. That's a real animal, believe it or not. A capybara. My mom really likes them. My dad gave it to her. And she gave it to me today."

Akari smiles, "That's really nice." She wrings her hands for a moment. "If you ever m-miss him and want t-to talk about it, l-let me know."

I guess I haven't really told her much about that whole situation. She knows he passed away, but that's about it. Me and my mom have mostly had each other for those moments, but since I won't be at home anymore, I probably will need to talk to Akari about it at some point.

I smile, "Okay, I will let you know. I am sure it will happen at some point, so thank you."

She smiles and nods at me.

"So… I was thinking of maybe hanging out with Ai and Carsten tomorrow. I thought I would invite them to see my room. They have stopped being so…handsy in public. How are you feeling about that situation?"

"I think I'm okay. I thought I would be back at l-lunches."

"Do you want to try to feel things out tomorrow? You can always escape to your room if it isn't going well."

She thinks for a moment and then smiles, "Yeah, that's probably a g-good idea. I hope it goes well. I'd like to be friends with them."

---

The next morning, I get up and decide to take a shower. There is one that I share with Akari and two other girls, and the other two girls aren't back yet, so I thought I would take advantage. This building is new, so the shower is surprisingly nice. It has great water pressure and is quite large. I grimace when imagining having to use a communal shower like my mom mentioned yesterday. While this one is communal, we can lock the door when we're inside, so we don't have to worry about anything awkward.

After I finish taking my shower, I open the door and grab my towel. As I step out of the shower, I slip on the slick floor and fall forward, landing on my chest and right elbow. I wince, expecting the worst. The impact hurts my breasts, but the fact I can even feel pain that minor means I didn't dislocate anything. It's a good thing too, because I locked the door and would have been stuck in here completely naked. I would have had to call for help and then wait for the dorm keeper to come and open the door. That would have really sucked on the first morning I'm here.

I'm still not completely out of the woods yet, either. I need to carefully get myself up without falling. I take things very slowly and manage to get upright. I wrap myself in my one towel and wrap another one around my hair. Then I hear a knock on the bathroom door. It startles me so much I almost fall again.

"K-kayoko? Are you okay? I th-thought I heard s-something."

I open the door with a frown on my face to find a very concerned and sleepy-looking Akari wearing bright pink pajamas.

"Yeah, I fell. Somehow, I didn't get hurt though. Thanks for checking on me."

"Oh…that's g-good."

When I walk into my room, I realize I'm more than a little bit shaken. My legs are wobbly. I have to sit down on my bed the moment I'm close enough. I feel tears starting to well up inside of me. I didn't even know I was this upset. I guess now that the moment has really passed, I'm processing things.

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should call my mom and move back home. Maybe I can't do this.

Akari sees this and follows me in and closes the door.

I can't do this.

"A-are you sure you're okay?"

I can't do this.

"Yeah I'm not…hurt. B-but that was scary."

I can't do this.

"It f-feels like that was a warning. I need to be more careful."

I can't do this.

Akari sits down next to me on the bed. I turn to her while a few tears fall down my cheeks. My chest hurts a little, every muscle in my body is tense, and I'm somehow out of breath.

I can't do this.

"I've n-never been alone when I got hurt. My mom, or dad, or s-someone has always been there. I guess I just r-realized how scary that would b-be."

I can't do this.

Akari sees how upset I am and hugs me. I feel a bit awkward about it at first since I have nothing but a towel on, and I can see she feels awkward about it too. But then she settles into the hug, and I do too. It's helping a little.

I can't do this.

Then she says, "W-well, at least it was j-just a warning. We should think of how to make it safer."

She's right. I need to channel my energy towards that right now or I might really freak out. I'm on the verge of completely unraveling and asking my mom to come get me.

I take a deep breath and think through everything. "I g-guess I can't lock the door. And I should m-make sure you're here and awake every time, if that's okay."

I can do this.

Akari smiles, "Y-yeah of course. I will be on shower duty."

I can do this.

"Hmm…should get some bathmats to put down to make it less slick too."

I can do this.

Akari nods. "I b-bet your mom can bring s-some s-soon."

I can do this.

"I just need to be more cautious too, especially because I don't have my braces on for the shower. I normally am very intentional with how I move, but this shower is new to me, and I need to learn the best way for me to get in and out of it."

I can do this.

Akari says, "Yeah, maybe we should do some practice?"

I can do this.

I exhale and finally feel my body relax. I hug Akari tighter.

"Thank you so much for this, Akari. I was…really, really scared for a minute there. Like, on the verge of a panic attack, I think. You reeled me back in."

She lets go of me and smiles up at me. "Yeah, I thought so. I-I've b-been there. I'm glad you feel better."

She gets up and heads towards the door and smiles sort of bashfully. I guess because of our more intimate than normal hug. She says, "I'll l-let you get dressed now."

---

"You girls sure like to decorate your dorm rooms, don't you?"

Carsten and Ai have just stepped in to see my dorm room.

Ai laughs at Carsten's silly statement, "Yeah, sorry we don't just leave the walls barren. We like to have a little bit of character in our rooms."

Ai rolls herself towards me while rolling her eyes at her boyfriend. She looks up at me and says, "Hey can you um…sit down, or bend over? I want to hug you, and don't just want to hug your crotch." She giggles. "Might get a little weird."

I feel a little flustered by her request but I sit down on my bed and we hug each other.

"Thank you for your help over the break."

"You're welcome. I'm glad I helped."

Just as we finish hugging, I hear Akari's door open and she somewhat gingerly steps into my room and she says, "H-hey everyone."

Carsten, who is examining some of my books, turns around and says, "Hey Akari, it's been a while." He approaches her and gives her a quick hug, which she returns.

"Y-yeah, the end of l-last trimester w-was rough. B-but you should see more of me n-now. I'll b-be at lunch."

Luckily, I filled her in on the lie I used to explain her absence.

Ai smiles and says, "Hey, that's great. I haven't really gotten to know you, and I've heard good stuff about you, so I'm excited."

I see Akari's face falter ever so slightly, with a tiny glimpse of what might have been anger. But I think I'm the only one who noticed. Then she smiles and says, "Y-yeah. I want to get to know you too."

Carsten says, "Well, we should probably get to bed. Gotta get some good rest before we start school again tomorrow."

The way he phrased this makes me want to ask a few questions, but I manage to keep them to myself. I look at Akari, who has a fake smile plastered to her face. She must be wondering the same thing.

Ai says, "Yep, we'll see you tomorrow. Sleep well you two."

"Okay, see you later."

Akari adds, "Y-yeah, s-sleep well."

Carsten and Ai leave, and once we hear them get in the elevator, Akari closes the door and exhales before looking at me with a sad expression. I guess she still isn't completely over Carsten.

"D-do you think th-they are s-sleeping together?"

"I don't know for sure. But…probably? Many couples our age do, and based on how physical they are, and what they just said…"

She sits down on my bed, and looks down at the ground, defeated. "Wh-why am I like this? I do f-fine when I stay away…but when he h-hugged me, it reminded me how c-close we used to be...b-before...her..."

I sit down next to her. She's tried so hard to get over him. It just isn't working. I say, "Well…you must really love him."

These words cause her to start crying softly. I hug her and say, "I wish I could do something, Akari. This sucks for you. I won't have them over here again."

She dries her tears and pushes me away softly. "No."

"No?"

"I…I can do this. I'm g-going to be at lunch, I'm g-going to spend time with them. Distance isn't working. M-maybe I just h-have to get used t-to them. M-maybe seeing them together a-all the t-time…it will get through to me. F-fake it until I make it."

I nod, "Okay. You're right. It's worth trying."

She nods with a determined grin, "Plus, I want to have l-lunch with you."

I smile, "Yeah, I would like that, and honestly I think they would too. You can always vent to me about it, of course."

"Yeah…I am sure I will need to."

[guthrum06]

It's the first day of a new trimester, and already things are off to an interesting start.

"Welcome back everyone. I hope you had nice summer holidays. Now that we're in a new trimester, I thought we would change things up a bit. So, I have a new seating chart. This way you can get to know some of your classmates you might not have talked with much last trimester."

Ms. Hamada's announcement is met with sighs from about half the class.

"Oh, come on you guys, it isn't that bad."

Once she has rearranged us, I find that I am indeed sitting near people I have rarely or never spoken to. Although, somehow, Carsten and Ai are sitting close to each other.

Did they pay her off, or what?

Anyway, my new desk mates are Hiroshi and Sakura. Hiroshi is a tall, fit guy with light brown hair and brown eyes. He's quiet and kind of broody. He only has a right arm. He's on the track team with my mom. I've kind of had a crush on him since the first day of class. At least, I remember thinking 'Yep, he's definitely the cutest guy in here.' I have admired him from afar, so I don't hate the idea of getting to know him better. Unfortunately, he does have a girlfriend. But I am okay with just admiring him from a little closer.

Sakura is kind of the opposite in most ways. She is short and a little chubby. She has shoulder length hair that is bright pink, and she talks non-stop. We are going to make for an interesting trio, I think.

"Okay, well, let's just dive right in with our first group activity with your new desk mates."

And apparently, we're going to find out how interesting a group we are right now.

"Okay, so each person in your group is going to take one of the three laws of thermodynamics and learn it yourself, and then teach it the other two." She laughs when some students look at her in an accusatory fashion. "I know it sounds like I'm having you teach each other so I don't have to do it myself…and I kind of am. But there's a reason. Some of you will find you learn better from teaching it yourself, while others learn better from being taught. This way, I am giving you all a chance to learn in the best way. Once you're all done, we'll talk about it together to make sure everyone understands."

I have a vague recollection of my dad telling me about the different modes of learning and doing exercises like this one. This is probably something he did. Which makes me smile.

Sakura notices my smile and says, "Wow you must be excited about this. You always do seem pretty brainy."

"Um…thank you? I do like science, so yeah."

We each did our part, but in the end neither of my partners did a very good job and I had to help them.

Once the bell rings, Hiroshi says, "Hey, you seem really good at this. I understood that better than I have pretty much anything in here. Science is my worst subject. Can I have your number? In case I have any questions?"

I feel my face flush. Please tell me he can't tell.  Stay cool, Nakai.

"Y-yeah, sure. You can call or t-text me if you have any questions."

He's looking at me expectantly, why is he doing that? Is he…checking me out? It's only making me blush more.

He smiles and says, "Um…yeah. That's the plan. But you have to give me your number first."

Oh. My. God. Why am I so bad at this?

I force a giggle. "Oh, yeah. Okay. Here, I'll share it w-with your phone."

He flashes me his amazing smile again and says, "Great, thanks. Have a good one." He gets up and leaves.

"Y-yeah…you too."

To my horror, Ai and Carsten are waiting for me and have been watching this whole exchange. If I could turn any redder, I certainly did.

Ai especially is smiling wide with a twinkle in her eye.

I get up and walk towards them, ashamed.

Ai says, "So uh…you like him, huh?"

"Um…can we please wait to talk about this until once we get out to the quad? I've reached a critical mass of embarrassment and I need it to go down a little."

…

Once we get out there, I sit down next to Akari, and Ai has Carsten put her down next to me. Then she sort of shoos him away out of earshot. I guess this is girl talk.

Ai smiles and says. "If you still don't want to talk about this, we don't have to."

Akari says, "T-talk about what?"

I sigh. "I just made a complete fool of myself talking to a guy I think is cute."

Ai says, "Oh come on. It wasn't that bad."

"Really? He asked for my number and I turned bright red, told him I would give it to him, and I was so nervous that I proceeded to forget to actually give it to him."

Akari says, "W-well at least he w-wanted your number."

"Yeah…that's true. I kind of forgot about that amidst all the embarrassment. But he also only did it because he wants help with science. I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend anyway."

Ai says, "Oh, come on. I saw it. He just used the science thing as cover to get your number."

"How do you know that?"

"Okay fine, I don't. But I think it's a likely possibility."

Akari nods, "I w-wasn't there, but it sounds very p-possible to me too."

I've been so embarrassed and caught up in my own stuff that I overlooked how seamlessly Akari is taking part in this conversation. She looked so upset yesterday after seeing Carsten and Ai, but she's basically talking to Ai right now and you would never know that. Fake it until you make it indeed.

"Okay fine it's possible. But the girlfriend thing makes it a lot less possible."

Akari and Ai, say, at the exact same time, "Are you sure he has a girlfriend?"

This makes all three of us giggle. Carsten meanwhile is observing the conversation with a smile on his face that gets a lot bigger when we giggle. He probably wants all three of us to be friends, I guess.

"I'm not sure, I guess. He had one last trimester, that's for sure."

Akari asks "Wh-who is she?"

"Um…a second-year girl on the track team. She's blonde. I don't know her name."

Akari says, "T-track team? Y-you could ask y-your mom."

Ai looks confused so I explain, "My mom is the track teacher."

"Ohhhhh. Then yeah, Akari is right. Get your mom to gather some intel."

"Yeah…not a bad idea in theory. I feel kinda icky about that, though. Not sure my mom will love it either."

Ai and Akari both look a little ashamed for suggesting it.

"Hey, it was a good idea. I'll think about it. But I'm only going to ask if it feels necessary. I don't have to do it right now. I'll wait and see what happens with him. Plus, I may just see them together and not need to ask anyway."

Akari says, "Y-yeah, that's a good p-plan."

Ai says, "Agreed." She turns to Carsten, "Okay, boy, you can come hang out with us again."

He laughs and comes and sits next to Ai. "So…what's the verdict?"

In a very silly mechanical voice Ai says, "I'm sorry, we can't discuss the proceedings of Girl Talk with a boy."

This makes both me and Akari laugh. I look at Akari and it seems to be genuine. Maybe if she sees that Ai is more than the girl who threw herself at Carsten, she'll feel better about things.

"Fine, fine. We need to get some more guys in this group. Where's Daisuke when I need him?"

I laugh, "He's only a sometimes-member of this lunch group."

Ai says, "Speaking of Daisuke, seems you have a type, huh, Kayoko? Tall, dark, and fit."

I blush and look down.

She isn't wrong. But I don't really know how to respond. I never told her about Daisuke. I guess Carsten did. I shouldn't be too surprised, but I wish she didn't know.

When Akari sees my reaction, any good feelings she was feeling towards Ai evaporate in an instant.

Her voice gets sharp, and forceful, as she says, "She d-doesn't want to t-talk about that!"

Ai looks surprised by Akari's reaction, but then sees my face and says, "Oh. I'm sorry, Kayoko. Really."

"It's okay. I didn't know you knew about that. It just surprised me. I do…kind of have a type I guess."

Carsten says, "I'm sorry, Kayoko…should I not have told her?"

"No, it's fine. It wasn't some big secret, I guess. I don't like him anymore, but I'm still a little embarrassed about the whole thing."

Ai curses at herself and seems truly remorseful when she says, "I'm an idiot…sorry. Bringing up anyone like that without knowing how you felt was dumb of me. Especially because I didn't hear about it from you."

I smile at her. "Thanks. Apology accepted. Anyway, I will keep you two updated about Hiroshi." I laugh, "I'll let you two know if more meetings are required."

I look at Akari and she seems back to how she was before Ai embarrassed me. I think she must be satisfied with the apology.

The bell rings and we all head back to class.

---

Akari and I are hanging out in my room after our first day back in band, talking about the music we played today. My mom is going to bring by some bath mats I asked for after track practice.

"My mom will be here soon. Um…I didn't tell her that I fell. I don't want her to worry."

Akari nods, "I w-won't say anything."

It's a good thing I said something because seconds later there's a knock on my door. Akari gets up and opens it and my smiling mother steps through.

"Hello girls. I see you're enjoying the dorm room."

She puts the bathmats down on the bed and gives Akari a hug before giving me one. She sits down on my bed.

"So, how was the first day back?"

"It was good. We are really excited about some of the music we'll be performing in a few months."

"Oh yeah? That will be the first performance for you two. I'm looking forward to it."

She turns to me and says, "I have some interesting news for you."

"What?"

"One of my track students asked me about you today."

Akari gets a big smile on her face, but I'm too dumbfounded to do anything but be flustered.

My mom continues. "His name's Hiroshi, you are in the same class, right?"

Oh my God. Maybe he does like me.

"Um..y-yeah. Wh-what did he ask?"

"If I was your mom."

I deflate significantly.

"Oh."

"What do you mean 'oh'?"

"I mean, I dunno. I thought maybe it was something else."

My mom laughs, "Like what? 'Hey, is your daughter single?' or 'Hey, is your daughter into tall guys?' I think him being curious about it at all probably means something."

"He did get my number today."

My mom smiles. "Well, then it definitely means something."

Akari looks at me, urging me to ask a certain question with her eyes. She's right, my mom brought this up so I shouldn't feel too bad about this.

"Um…do you know if he's single? Last I knew he had a girlfriend."

"I don't know for sure, but the girl he was with doesn't go to school here anymore."

Akari giggles, making my mom laugh. "So, I'm guessing from the reactions you two are having, that you like him?"

"I think he's really cute. I'd like to get to know him better. But yeah, I definitely…could like him. I sit near him in class now, and he wants me to help him with science.

My mom smiles, "Well, good luck with that. It does sound promising. I'll let you know if I hear anything about him being single for sure." She winks at me.

My mom stands up, "Well, you probably don't need an old lady cramping your style any more tonight. Have a good evening you too."

"You too, mom. Love you."

She smiles, "Love you too, sweetie."

Once my mom leaves Akari squeals, "I think he liiiiikes y-you!"

"It certainly sounds more likely now, doesn't it?"

"That's all you have to s-say?"

I laugh, "I'm still in shock, I think. I…I really hope he does like me. I think he's like…the most attractive guy in our whole year, so yeah. I'm in shock."

"Well, he d-does like you, okay! D-do we need to get Ai in here for a meeting?"

I laugh, "You sure you want her here?"

Her face looks conflicted, "W-well, I wasn't really s-serious about getting her right now." She grimaces. "She's probably…doing stuff with Carsten anyway." She pauses for a moment. "But…seeing her today as a normal person and not m-making out in f-front of me was…different. I can tell she really cares about you and Carsten so…I guess I'm okay with her."

I smile at her, "That's really good. I know it was hard. You really impressed me today. Especially because you got on her when she deserved it but didn't go too far."

She scoffs, "I c-couldn't believe the Daisuke thing. Especially once you said you d-didn't tell her. I may have…th-thought about slapping her. Briefly. But…she really did feel bad, and you f-forgave her, so I can too."

I laugh, "Thank you for not slapping her."

She smirks, "It t-took some serious self-control, so I will say 'You're welcome' even if you are being s-sarcastic."

---

A few nights later, Akari and I are hanging out in her room working on school stuff. It's about 9 p.m. and we're studying for the science test tomorrow. The pinkness of her room is intense. But we also spend time in my room, and I didn't think that was fair to her.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and when I pull it out, I see I have a text from Hiroshi and I feel my heart jump into my throat. He's been sort of flirty with me in class the last few days, at least according to Ai, but he hadn't contacted me yet. Akari notices that I'm staring at my phone and looks up from her worksheet.

She smirks and says. "Is th-that from…him?"

I nod and then read the text out loud,

"Hey Kayoko, I'm having a hard time with that first law of thermodynamics. Can you explain the equation to me?"

Akari smiles mischievously, "I bet you can explain it, c-can't you?"

I feel myself shaking slightly, "Yeah, I can. It's late though so it's not like we can go to the library. He probably wants me to call him. Obviously, I can't explain it through text."

I type out my reply, reading it out loud to Akari, "Yeah, I can do that. Do you want me to call you?"

He responds almost immediately, and I share that with Akari too, "Maybe. I learn better in person though. Can I come by your room?"

I find myself shaking even more now. My first instinct is…yes, I absolutely want him to come by my room. But I'm hesitating. I don't know if this means what I think it does. And if it does mean what I think it does, I don't know if he's single yet.

Akari looks surprised, "W-wow. He definitely likes y-you."

"I don't know. It is still just him asking for help studying."

"Y-yeah, maybe that's all it is. Either way, it gives you a chance to s-spend time with him alone and maybe figure out if he's single."

I nod, "That's true. I guess it's worth it no matter what. I am really nervous. I wish I was better at this."

Akari smiles at me, "Well, you've been all nervous w-with him this whole week haven't you? And he s-seems to still like you."

I smile at her, "Yeah…yeah, I guess that would be true, if he does like me. Okay, I'm going to tell him he can come by."

I send him my room number and tell him he can come by, and Akari practically pushes me out the door as soon as I do.

She smiles at me as I'm about to go into my dorm room, "I hope it goes well. I'll be w-waiting for a report."

"I will let you know. Oh…uh, can I borrow your desk chair? That way we can both sit at my desk." Without saying a word Akari pushes the desk chair into my room for me.

She winks at me and says, "See you soon," as she goes out my door and back to her room.

I look in the mirror and make sure I look good. I straighten out my hair some and my outfit looks pretty good. I'm wearing some jeans and a white peasant top blouse that shows just a little bit of skin around my collarbone, I think it looks nice. I take a deep breath. I don't know if I've ever been this nervous.

Before long there's a knock on the door. When I open it I see Hiroshi with a big smile on his face and our science textbook in his hand. He looks incredible, as he always does.

"Hey, c-come on in."

"Hey Kayoko, thanks for helping. I just can't figure this out."

"Yeah, no p-problem."

Did my voice seriously just crack?

"Here, we can look at it on my desk."

He sits down at the desk and opens his textbook to the page about the first law of thermodynamics. I sit down next to him. The chairs have to be pretty close together because the desk is so small, so we're surprisingly close to each other. He smells really good, like he put on cologne or something. It's kind of intoxicating. I can feel the warmth his body is putting off too.

I'm showing him what each of the different symbols in the equation for the first law of thermodynamics mean and trying my best to explain it to him without using too much scientific jargon. I have my head tilted to the side so that I can keep an eye on him to see if he understands, while I also write things out. Before long, I notice he is watching me intently. Not what I'm writing but me.

I look at him, about to ask what he's doing, and suddenly his hand brushes my hair out of my face, and he looks at me really closely. I feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest.

He says, "You're really beautiful." And in the next instant his lips are mine. This is my first kiss, and it is wonderful. His hand is still on the side of my face, his lips are pressed against mine. Before I know what I'm doing, I put down the pen that I'm still holding and wrap my arms around him, pulling our chairs even closer together. He moves his arm to my lower back and firmly pulls me closer to him. Having part of our bodies pressed together while our lips are too is an amazing feeling.

Suddenly, I feel his tongue thrust between my lips and the shock snaps me out of it. I'm…not ready for this. He isn't my boyfriend. I don't even know for sure if he's single. What am I doing?

I pull my mouth away from him and he says, "What's wrong?"

"I'm n-not ready."

He smirks and says, "You seem pretty ready to me," before trying to kiss me again. I don't let him.

He sighs in frustration.

"I'm sorry. I like you. But I don't w-want to do any more than we just did y-yet."

"Why? I like you too."

"D-do you still have a girlfriend?"

He looks at the ground and doesn't answer.

I'm a horrible person.

I pull my arms back and shift the chair so I can move away from him. "Um…I think you should leave."

"Are you sure? I just want to kiss you some more. We don't have to go farther. I really like kissing you."

I want to let him kiss me more. He's so handsome. He thinks I'm beautiful. But I can't.

"You…have a girlfriend. So…y-yes, I'm sure. You need to go."

He gets his things and leaves with an irritated expression on his face, while I sit in the desk chair feeling horrible.

I'm so stupid. Why did I think it was a good idea to have him in my room? Why did I let him kiss me? Why did I kiss him back?

I get in my bed and start crying softly.

That was my first kiss? With a guy who is cheating on his girlfriend?

I hear a knock on the door.

An excited Akari says, "I-it's me. I just wanted to see how it went."

"It's…open."

Akari could clearly tell I was upset from my voice, because she comes in and softly shuts the door behind herself and has a concerned look on her face.

She sees me lying in bed crying.

"Wh-what happened?"

"He…he kissed me. And I kissed him back. B-but he has a girlfriend."

Akari sits on the end of the bed and crosses her arms. "What an asshole."

"I-it's not just his fault, though. I…I didn't check first."

"Well, you said he k-kissed you first, right?"

"Y-yeah…"

"So yeah, it is all his fault."

"Y-yeah, but I kissed him back."

"Well okay, but it sounds like you also stopped it and asked if he had a girlfriend."

"I did."

"Stop blaming y-yourself. It's all his fault. You did the right thing, Kayoko."

"It doesn't feel like it. I…I feel horrible. My first kiss was with a guy cheating on his g-girlfriend. That will always be m-my first kiss. I w-wanted it to be with someone who cared about me. And…and that will always be it instead. H-he doesn't care about me. He j-just wanted to sleep with me or something. He thought I w-was the kind of girl he could do that with, even if he had a g-girlfriend." I start crying more intensely.

Akari gets in the bed with me and snuggles me from behind. It isn't something we've done before, but it is comforting.

"I'm really sorry Kayoko. Is there anything I can do?"

"I d-don't think so. I'll be okay eventually…I think I just n-need to cry about it. Crying helps sometimes."

"Do you want me to go?"

"Not unless you want to."

She hugs me a little tighter and says, "I don't want to."

...

I wake up in something of a daze. The light is on. There's someone else with me in my bed. They are right up against me too. It feels pretty nice. Wait…what?

I roll over and see a sleeping Akari.

Oh…yeah. Now I remember everything. I must have cried myself to sleep, and Akari stayed with me. We're both still in our clothes though, and I'm sure she'd like to sleep in her own bed, so I should probably wake her up.

I pat her on the shoulder and softly say, "Akari, wakey-wakey."

"Hrmm? Oh…hey Kayoko. Do you f-feel better?"

"I do. Thanks for staying with me."

She smiles, "No problem. I'm…really s-sorry about what happened."

I sigh, "Me too. But it's okay. You were right, he's an asshole. It's his fault. I am definitely going to be more careful with my other firsts."

Akari sits up and gets out of the bed and stretches. "I want to punish that guy. Hey, w-we should tell y-your mom to run him into the g-ground."

I laugh, "That would be pretty funny. I don't think I will be telling her about this, though. Not for a little while at least."

"It isn't your fault, Kayoko."

"I know. I know that now. Thank you for helping me figure that out. But…I still don't want to tell her. I'm not ready." I yawn, "We should probably go back to sleep anyway."

---

The next day in class we thankfully didn't have any group work and I completely ignored Hiroshi, who attempted to talk to me multiple times. I filled in Ai with what happened during lunch, and like Akari, she's furious. These two tiny girls are scary when they are mad. Kind of reminds me of my mom.

Then, around 5 p.m., there's a knock on my door. I expect it to be Akari because that's who it usually is, but when I open it, I'm surprised to see Hiroshi. I cross my arms and glare at him to make it very clear that I don't want him there.

"What are you doing here?"

"I broke up with my girlfriend. Can you let me in so we can talk?"

"No. We can talk right here. I don't really care if you broke up with her. You cheated on her first. And you used me to do it. I'm not interested in that kind of guy."

"Kayoko…come on, I really like you. You're beautiful. I just want to spend time with you. Let me in."

"No. You need to go."

"Why are you being like this? I know you wanted me the other night. You had your hands all over me."

"That...that's not even true. And even if it were, I'm telling you I don't want you now. So, please, just go. I'm not interested. What more do I need to say to you to get you to go away?"

He tries to grab my hand, but I pull it away. "Come on, Kayoko. I broke up with my girlfriend for you, and you won't even let me in? That's not fair."

Akari's door opens slowly, and she looks furious. So much so that I'm a little scared. She must have been listening to see if she should intervene. I am thankful she does because he won't seem to listen.

"Hey, a-asshole. You h-heard h-her. G-get the fuck out of h-here."

So far, Hiroshi has kept a charming smile on his face that now seems really fake to me, but when he hears Akari, his face becomes angry, and aggressive. I think maybe I'm seeing his true face for the first time.

He turns around and hisses at her, "This doesn't concern you, you little freak. I didn't even know you could talk. Why don't you go back to just keeping your fucking mouth shut?"

Before I know what's happening, my right fist is making contact with the middle of his back. He staggers forward and almost falls over.

He turns around, wide-eyed. "Did you seriously just…hit me?"

My wrist is in excruciating pain. I dislocated it. Maybe a finger or two too. But I do my best not to show it.

"I did. You didn't seem to be listening to…words. Now…like she said get the fuck out of here."

He still doesn't look like he's going to listen. There's been enough of a commotion that a few other girls in the hall have poked their heads out of their rooms. Hiroshi sees this and finally starts to look like he's going to retreat.

"Whatever. You're not even worth it." He runs away, taking off down the stairwell.

After he leaves, Akari comes across the hall looking satisfied, but then she sees that I'm in pain, since I'm no longer trying to hide it. I'm now clutching my forearm and gritting my teeth.

"You d-dislocated it, didn't you?"

"Yeah…worth…it…need…nurse. Sling...Closet."

Akari gets me the sling and helps me get to the nurse's office.

When we get there, it turns out I dislocated my right wrist and middle finger. I have never dislocated my middle finger before, so at least that's new. I guess. Akari holds my hand while the nurse puts my joints back in place. In addition to a wrist immobilizer, I will have to wear a finger splint. I won't be playing piano for a couple weeks at least. Probably longer.

Now that we're heading back to the dorms, Akari says, "D-do you think you'll get in trouble?"

I hadn't really thought of that.

I stop walking and sigh, "Maybe. I shouldn't have hit him. That was dumb of me. It happened so fast."

"Yeah, well he r-really wasn't listening."

"Yeah…that was annoying, but it was how he talked to you that really made me snap." I look at my throbbing wrist. "Pun intended."

Akari laughs, "W-well thank you, then."

I grimace, "I probably need to go stay with my mom tonight. I need to tell her about all of this before she hears it from somewhere else. I need to tell her everything."

Akari nods, "D-do you want me to g-go with you? I can provide some additional t-testimony."

I smile at her, "Yeah, that would be nice."

...

We are at my mom's for dinner and then we're staying the night. She seems happy to have us. Too bad I have to tell her some bad stuff. I meant to tell her in the car, then I meant to tell her once we got to the house, but I kept putting it off.

After we finish eating, my mom can't take it anymore and just asks.

"You said you had something you had to tell me on the phone? Is this about how you got hurt?"

"Um…yeah, it is." I sigh, "Hiroshi kissed me when we were studying. But I put a stop to it and asked if he had a girlfriend. He just ignored the question and kept trying to do stuff. And he was pushy about it. So, I made him leave."

My mom's face becomes frighteningly intense, and her right hand is balled into a tight fist. Her normally sparkling green eyes have a dull glint to them.

"I may kill him if he hurt you."

"Um…he…didn't, not exactly. He came back the next day and told me he broke up with his girlfriend for me and tried to get me to let him in. But I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. Then he wouldn't leave. Um…eventually Akari got involved and told him to leave, and then he said some horrible things to her. Then, suddenly, I…punched him. I shouldn't have. I might get in trouble, so I just wanted you to know about it from me."

My mom raises her eyebrows, "Did you hurt him?"

"Not really…I punched his back. It surprised him more than anything."

Akira nods, "He was f-fine. He didn't fall over or anything."

"So, that's how you hurt yourself? I thought it seemed like an odd injury. You have never dislocated your wrist and a finger like that."

"Yeah. Aren't you mad at me?"

"Well…I wish you hadn't hit him. For your body's sake. And if he tells on you, you will probably get in some trouble. I won't really be able to protect you, either. But I'm not mad. Not at you." She clenches her fist again and her eyes narrow. "My blood is absolutely boiling about what he did though. All of it."

Akari adds, "Y-yeah. I also w-want to add that he was b-being aggressive. She t-told him to leave like five times. I d-don't know for sure, but if I didn't get involved he might have tried to force his way in. That's why I g-got involved."

At first, I think Akari is embellishing the story a bit to get me in less trouble. But then I think about the situation. He wasn't leaving. He was belligerent. He wouldn't even leave when Akari got involved. He wouldn't leave after I punched him. He really might have tried to get in my room without my permission. I need to be more careful about this kind of thing. I should never have had him with me alone in my room. That's something I should only do with boys I know better.

My mom nods, "Well, if he was being threatening in any way that does make things better for Kayoko. Were there any other witnesses?"

"Yeah, a few other girls saw the very end at least. That's what finally got him to leave. Even punching him wasn't enough. They probably heard a lot of it too."

My mom thinks for a moment, "Well, in that case I bet you won't get in trouble. Most, if not all those witnesses will be on your side. He also is a lot less likely to tell anyone because of that. It's his word against your whole floor. He'd have to be pretty dumb to call for a disciplinary hearing over this. Of course, he was dumb enough to do this to his club teacher's daughter…" The menacing twinkle returns to her eyes. "So, anything is possible." She sighs, "There is a no tolerance policy about violence though, so it could maybe still be a bit of a problem…" She trails off and chuckles to herself.

"Um…what was that laugh about? Doesn't seem like a good time to laugh."

"Oh, just remembering a story your dad told me about Saki. She was in a …kind of similar situation once. Do you want to hear about it?"

I shrug, "I guess so. Maybe it will help."

"Well, your father and Saki, and your aunt and uncle too, went to the city on one of those organized outings during winter vacation. So did this guy named Maeda. He was Saki's ex. They…broke up after Kayoko passed away, because he blamed her."

Akari looks confused at the mention of another Kayoko. So, I explain, "She's who I'm named after. She died in their first year. She had a fatal condition that affected her lungs, and she took her own life because it got so bad. She…got the idea from Saki."

Akari looks like she is on the verge of tears. I know this story so well that it doesn't really make me emotional anymore. But seeing her reaction does remind me just how sad it all is.

My mom nods, "Right, so that's why Maeda blamed her. Anyway, by their third year, your aunt and Saki were going to record a song Kayoko helped them write. Maeda found out about this and confronted her while they were on the trip. He…said some horrible things to her about the whole thing, telling her she basically murdered Kayoko and didn't deserve to record the song. Anyway, eventually Saki snapped and slapped the shit out of him." She chuckles, "The kid wore this stupid beret all the time and apparently it went clear off his head."

"So…this is similar. Someone said horrible things and I snapped. What happened to Saki?"

"Well, unfortunately for her, a teacher saw the exact moment of the slap and not what led up to it. She ended up getting suspended."

I sigh, "That…was not the encouraging ending I was hoping for."

"Well, her situation was different. A teacher saw, and Maeda wasn't really being threatening, he was just being a jerk. So, it was a little harder to justify Saki's violence even with the emotions involved. I think your case sounds like a better one. I think the worst case is that there is a disciplinary hearing, but they don't punish you. It might backfire on him too, if any of your neighbors agree that he was being menacing. If that happens, he might be the one to get in trouble. Quite serious trouble, too."

My mom gets up and sits in the chair next to me. She puts her hand on my shoulder. "We've talked about the practical part, but let's put that part aside for now…how are you feeling, sweetie?"

"I mean it hurts, probably one of my most painful dislocations in a while. I guess it makes sense because of how it happened. I'm mad I won't be able to play the piano because of it."

"No, I mean, emotionally."

I look down, "Oh. Not great. I feel…used. I liked him. I really wanted him to like me. I…let him come into my room and was alone with him the night before he did this." I start to tear up, "And I just…I shouldn't have done that, you know? Why would I like a guy like that?"

"It-it's okay that you liked him. You don't n-now that you know everything, right?"

I nod.

"Akari's right, dear. No need to feel bad for how you felt. This is hard enough without that, isn't it?"

I nod.

"I also wanted my f-first kiss to be with someone special to me, who cared about me. I am really disappointed that it wasn't. I know it isn't my fault, Akari helped me see that…but I'm still a little disappointed in myself. Disappointed I didn't just pull away when he tried to kiss me. Disappointed I didn't stop it sooner."

My mom hugs me. She's standing and I'm sitting, and she holds my head to her chest. "Well, I'm not disappointed in you, sweetie. I don't think you should be disappointed in yourself either. I think you did the right thing. Well…" she laughs softly, "...up until you punched him."

I sigh. "I have to go to class with him on Monday. He sits right next to me."

I feel my mom shaking while she hugs me. At first, I think maybe she's crying, but then I suspect its the anger that has boiled to the surface a few times in this conversation must have done it again. When she speaks my intuition proves correct, as her voice is absolutely seething.

"Yes, we'll just see about that. I may not be able to completely protect you from getting in trouble. But I can tell you with 100% certainty he will not be sitting anywhere near you in any class ever again. Also, if he has the guts to show up for track practice after this, I'll be running him so much he won't have the energy to do this to anyone else. My guess is he'll quit."

I start really crying into my mom's chest. Akari puts her hand on my back and rubs me gently. Some of my tears are still a result of feeling hurt and embarrassed, and disappointed in myself, but they are also tears of relief, and tears about how much I love my mom.

I sniffle and say, "Th-thank you. You're an amazing mom, you know that?"

She laughs, "Yep, I do."

"S-seriously though, Mrs…Emi, y-you're great."

I nod, currently incapable of forming words myself.

My mom smiles, "Thank you Akari. I hope you know that if this happened to you, I'd be doing the same thing."

Now Akari is tearing up too and gets up to hug my mom from behind while she's still hugging me. "Th-thank you…Emi." It's the first time she has just used my mom's first name.

"Goodness girls, you're going to make me cry if you keep this…up." By the end of her sentence, all three of us are crying.

---

On Monday, Hiroshi isn't in class at all. I sort of suspect it means he decided not to come and not that my mother worked that big of a miracle. But I'll take it, either way.

"Where's his room? I'm going to strangle him in his sleep. And then once he's dead. I'm going to do it again, just to be sure." Ai moves her hands in a violent motion as if she's wringing someone's neck while the rest of us laugh at the ridiculous sight of this dimunitive girl being so violent.

We're at lunch now, and I just updated Ai and Carsten on what happened. I appreciate the solidarity, even if the levels of violence Ai's calling for are a little scary.

After Ai has completed her theatrics, Carsten says. "Yeah that's…beyond messed up. Even after you updated us the other day, I thought he was a jerk. But this pushes him well beyond jerk status. Showing up like that? Refusing to leave? Talking to Akari like that?" He looks at his girlfriend and says "I might just strangle him a third time." He puts a hand on my shoulder and looks at me seriously. "I'm really sorry about this, Kayoko."

I smile at him, "Thanks, you two."

Ai seems to have calmed down a bit now and says, "Akari, nice move getting involved. Who knows what might've happened with this guy?"

"Y-yeah, th-thanks…that's what I thought."

I put my arm around Akari and pull her close to me. "Yep, she was a really big help through all of it."

I almost tell them about how Akari held me while I cried myself to sleep, but that is probably best to keep between best friends.

"W-well, of course. You a-always help me too."

Carsten says, "Next time you really wanna punch someone though…maybe, don't?"

I sigh, "I've already gotten enough of that from my mom and myself, trust me. I wish I hadn't for so many reasons. It just…happened. But yes, I will try to be more careful next time."

Ai scoffs and says, "Whatever Carsten, sometimes a girl has to punch a guy. He had it coming."

Carsten better watch out. If he ever breaks his heart, I don't know if we'll be able to stop her.

[guthrum06]

It's time for band. But I can't play piano because I punched an asshole. Yay.

My aunt sees me and walks over to me shaking her head. I wonder if my mom filled her in on the details.

"That stinks, Kayoko. I'm sorry. You'll just follow along, I guess. I hope you recover enough to do one or two songs at the concert."

I nod, "Yeah. I hope so too."

I go over to the piano, where Hideki is getting settled. He sees me and grimaces, "No piano for a bit, huh? That's crappy."

"Yeah. It is. Do you have any extra copies of music for today? I forgot mine, on top of everything," I laugh wryly.

He shakes his head, "I don't, but why don't you sit on the bench with me? You can follow along with the music and that will make it easier for you to visualize playing, won't it?"

"I won't be in your way?"

"I don't think so. Not for practice anyway."

"Okay, thanks a lot Hideki. This makes me feel a lot better about my…situation."

He smiles at me, "Hey, no problem. Gotta look out for next year's first chair piano player, right?"

I smile back, "Thanks, if I can have both my hands working often enough maybe I'll get there."

He laughs, "You will, I know it."

I take a seat next to him on the bench, far enough away to give him some space, but close enough that I can see the music and his hands. As band practice commences, I realize he was right, this does a much better job of helping me learn the music when I can't play. I guess this is where I'll be for band practice until my hand and wrist get better.

...

I'm in the cafeteria after band. Akari had to stay later than me, but she should have been here by now. I'm starting to get a little worried.

Just as I'm about to try calling her, she comes into the cafeteria, and she immediately sits down across from me, and she has a really…heightened look on her face. I hesitate to say crazy, but it's close.

"Um…what's going on Akari?"

She whispers, "I think a b-boy might like me."

I smile at her. "That's great. Who?"

She looks around like someone might hear us. "C-can we talk about it later? Can you see if Ai can come too? We can meet at your room."

I smile, "You really have taken to Ai, haven't you."

She nods, "Yeah, yeah. She's a g-good person. Also, w-way more of an expert on this than w-we are."

"That hurts a little Akari…but, you know what, looking at my romantic history…yeah, you're right." I laugh, "I'll set up the meeting."

...

I'm in my room with Akari and Ai. I'm sitting on the bed and Ai has moved her wheelchair next to me. Akari is standing in front of us like she's giving a presentation. She's just told us who this guy is.

"Michi? He's a second-year student who plays the French horn too, right?"

Akari nods.

If anyone is going to realize how great Akari is, it makes sense it would be someone who knows just how amazing she is at French horn.

Ai adds, "Ooo, I like it. Kind of romantic, you both play the same thing."

"So, why do you think he likes you?"

Akari pulls out her phone. "I g-gave him my number a few days ago because he asked for it. S-said maybe we could practice out of c-class together. Well, he ended up t-texting me and we t-talked a lot."

Akari hands me the phone so me and Ai can scroll through their conversation. She's right, they have talked a lot. And about lots of personal stuff.

This reminds me of how she was with Carsten. Texting is easier for her because of her anxiety so she can talk with people a lot more that way. Hopefully this has a better outcome for her than that did.

Ai says, "Wow, just from this I'd say there's a chance he likes you. But there's even more, isn't there?"

She nods nervously, "T-today in band he asked if I wanted to h-have a p-picnic with him this w-weekend."

I exchange a glance with Ai and we nod to one another. We don't need to talk to know that we agree about this. I let Ai say it first since apparently Akari respects her opinion on this kind of thing more than mine.

Ai says, "Yeah, that sounds like a date. He didn't make it sound like anyone else would be there, right?"

"N-No he even said, 'just you and me'."

I say, "Definitely a date then. Did you say yes?"

She nods.

"So, you like him?"

She blushes, "I th-think so, yeah."

"Sounds great then. I hope it works out."

Unexpectedly, in response to these words of encouragement, Akari's face contorts into one of fear and her stuttering gets even worse than normal.

"Th-there is one r-really b-big problem, though. I'm...r-r-really anxious about th-this. Even for m-me. I kn-know I'm g-going to m-mess this up. H-he knows me m-mostly from t-texting or watching me in b-band. I'm a d-different p-person when I d-do those things. He doesn't r-really know how b-bad I am at t-talking. He…he…w-won't like m-me on a date. So...I d-don't know..."

I smile at her to try to encourage her. "Akari, I think you're better at talking than you think. Sure, it isn't the easiest thing in the world for you, especially when there are some extra stressors. But I've never had a hard time understanding you or anything."

Ai nods in agreement, "Yeah, and if you just tell him about why it's hard for you, he'll understand. And…if he doesn't, he isn't worth it." She looks at me and winks.

That sounds a lot like some of the advice I've given Ai about Carsten. I bet Akari thinks this is great wisdom from her more experienced friend, but it came from ME. I decide I probably shouldn't point that out right now, though…

Our words don't seem to have helped her much, as she still looks very worried. "I'm still n-not sure. My m-mind is t-telling me the right thing to d-do is to b-back out. To r-run away from this. It would b-be…easier. I know that's the anxiety…but the f-feeling is so s-strong. And its tempting to l-listen."

I get up and hug Akari. "Is there any way we can come up with a plan to make you feel less anxious about it?"

"I d-don't know…"

Ai says, "Well, what if we made it a double date? Would you feel a little bit better if me and Carsten came?"

Akari thinks for a moment and finally some hope creeps on to her face, "Y-yeah! That might help."

Ai says, "Okay, let's plan for that. I'm sure he'll agree if it means he gets a date with you." She winks at Akari. "We can come up with a signal you can give us if you decide you want us to leave, so that we aren't in the way too much. Basically, we can be there until you feel comfortable, and then you can get rid of us when you want some alone time with him."

Akari walks over to Ai and crouches down so she can hug her. I think this is the first time they've ever hugged. I think the two of them are now truly friends, and I'm really happy about that.

"Th-thank you, Ai. Th-this means a lot to me."

---

I'm in my room alone. I'm trying to study, but I can't focus. Akari is on her double date, and I really want to know how it is going. It is kind of a bummer that I'm the only one in our friend group who doesn't get to be there. They've been gone for a while now, which I think must mean it is going well.

Just as I finally manage to focus on my studying, there's a knock on the door. By now, I can instantly recognize Akari's knock. I open the door and she has a huge smile on her face. This might be the happiest I've ever seen her.

Without saying anything, she comes into my room and sits down on the bed.

I try to replicate her huge smile when I say, "So, judging from the way you're…glowing, I take it that it went well?"

She nods enthusiastically, "He k-kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend."

I sit down on the bed next to her and put my arm around her. "Aw, congratulations. That's great. You have a boyfriend now!"

She blushes, "I kn-know, it doesn't seem real."

I laugh, "Well it is. See, I told you you were pretty."

"Y-yeah…he told me that too. It was r-really nice to hear."

"So, the double date plan worked, huh?

Akari nods, "Yeah. I don't think I could have done it w-without them. I was so anxious at the beginning that I literally couldn't talk. But Carsten and Ai saw that and d-distracted him with conversation while I adjusted to the situation. After about an hour and a half I signaled them to leave so I could have him to myself." She smiles bashfully. "A-and that's when the kiss and stuff happened."

I smile broadly at her. "That's great. Well, I'm looking forward to getting to know him."

"Y-yeah, I was going to invite him to l-lunch, if that's okay."

"Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?"

She stands up, "I dunno, but I wanted to check. Okay well, I'm very sleepy after being a b-ball of anxiety all day. I'm going to go to bed."

I smile at her, "Sleep well. I'm happy you had such a great day, Akari."

I sit down on my bed after she leaves, feeling really happy for Akari. But after a little bit my emotions take a more negative turn. I'm the only one of my close friends who doesn't have a significant other now. Daisuke has Kaito, Ai and Carsten have each other, and now Akari has Michi. I'm happy for all of them, of course. But I can't help but feel a little crappy about it. I still haven't even had a boyfriend. I don't even really feel like trying to date right now after the Hiroshi thing…but I still can't shake this feeling.

Is that why she felt like she had to ask me about inviting him to lunch? I…guess it might be a little bit awkward. I'm a fifth-wheel now.

---

Hiroshi has been back in class, but like my mom promised he is sitting clear on the other side of the classroom. I wonder how she did it. I guess maybe just talking to Ms. Hamada would do it? But that doesn't explain why he isn't sitting near me in other classes either. That woman definitely has some significant power at this school.

I don't have any reason to interact with him now, so ignoring him will be much easier. He seems to have chosen to forget I exist too, and I'm perfectly happy with that. Just looking at him makes my wrist ache.

...

At lunch, I formally meet Michi. We're in band together, but we've never really had a conversation about anything.

"M-michi, this is Kayoko, my best friend. You kind of know each other, I guess, r-right?"

I nod, "Know of each other at least. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. You have yourself a great girl, you know."

He blushes and looks at Akari and gets a massive smile on his face. I can tell he really likes her, and he knows she's beautiful. I love to see that. He says, "I know. Nice to meet you too."

He's a cute guy. He isn't very tall, as he's a bit shorter than me. But he's still tall enough to be a lot taller than Akari. He has nice hazel eyes, dimples when he smiles, and great wavy black hair that he keeps in a man-bun. Basically, he's the kind of guy that your typical girl would look at him and think he's attractive. That makes it even better that Akari got him. If only because some people at this school think she's weird, and I like the idea of other girls being jealous of her for dating a cute older guy.

We're sitting down on the grass together, the two couples are sitting quite close to each other, and I'm sitting alone. That crappy feeling from last night creeps back into my stomach. I feel bad for feeling like this. I just need to be happy for everyone. I am happy for everyone. There's just…also this extra crappy feeling of…something? Jealousy, I guess.

The good news is that Akari and Michi aren't the same as a new couple as Carsten and Ai were. They are sitting close together and holding hands. It's very cute. I appreciate the restraint.

---

Akari and Michi have been together for two weeks now. They are happy and super adorable together. The new normal is that he comes to lunch with us every day. Then, after band, Akari goes off with him, or he comes here until curfew. It's cute they are worried about breaking that rule, since so many students do. At this point Carsten basically lives in Ai's dorm room.

When Akari and Michi are here, I usually spend a little bit of time with them, usually right after band, but I also don't want to get in their way, so I don't stick around very long. Then, after he leaves, or she gets back to the dorm she spends some time with me, and we talk about our day and stuff. We talk a lot less and spend significantly less time together, which is to be expected. But it is taking some adjusting.

This all means that I'm alone more often in the evenings than I'm used to. I'm mostly doing okay, but I still can't shake the crappy feeling I have. I still haven't completely identified it either. It is mixed, I guess. A combination of jealousy and guilt. Jealousy because I don't have someone like they do, and guilt because I feel so jealous about something that is making all my friends so happy. I feel like maybe there's something else in there too, but I can't figure it out.

I'm thankful that tonight Daisuke and Kaito invited me to their dorm. Apparently, it is the Jewish New Year, and Kaito has prepared some things for us that people eat for that holiday. If a holiday involves eating, I'm definitely in. I'll still be spending time with a couple I guess, but the way I feel about Daisuke now, it's just like I'm spending time with my older brother and his boyfriend. So, it's a different vibe than being around friends and their significant others.

...

I knock on Kaito's door and say, "It's Koyoko." I hear a voice kind of far away from the door say, "Come in," so I do. When I do, it's just Kaito, and he's setting the table.

I'm not sure what to do in this situation. He clearly has a lot of experience setting the table, but the fact that he's blind must make it hard. Should I offer my help? Or is that rude? I guess he's not going to hate me if I do.

"Do you need any help with that?"

He says, "No, that's okay. Thank you for the offer though. You can come and have a seat."

I do as he asks. This time the food looks less unusual to my Japanese sensibilities. Right now, all I see is a large bowl of some kind of small pasta…couscous I think it's called, with vegetables. My dad made couscous a few times.

"Daisuke is getting the cake out of the oven. He should be back soon." I feel my mood improve slightly when I hear the word cake. I'm not quite as bad as my mom is about food, but I'm definitely her daughter.

"So, I'm guessing you're the only Jewish student at the school, huh?"

He nods, "I am fairly certain that's the case. Though I would say I'm mostly only Jewish culturally. I don't know more than the basics when it comes to the religion. But when it comes to the food and the holidays, well, I know most of it." He laughs.

"Yeah, you really like cooking, huh? Everything you make is always so good."

"I do. I don't know whether it's because I don't have sight, or if I would be like this anyway, but I really enjoy tasting things. Figuring out ways to take different flavors and put them into a dish is really compelling to me. I'm seriously considering doing culinary school next year instead of university. My parents don't love the idea." He laughs, "Both Japanese and Jews are stereotyped as people who really push their kids to get a good education and succeed in a profession that will make good money. Both of my parents fit the stereotype, unfortunately. But cooking is by far the thing I'm most passionate about."

The next question I'm going to ask might be a little blunt, but at this point this guy isn't that far from being in my family, so I'm just going to ask.

"That's cool, I think you should do it. Is cooking difficult without sight?"

He thinks for a moment and then says, "I suppose I face some challenges. One of the reasons Kaito is getting the cake is it is difficult for me to use an oven, especially when I'm not in a kitchen I really know. Without sight, figuring out exactly how much space there is between the racks is hard to do without getting burned. I mixed the cake and everything, but it's his job to put it in and take it out." He laughs, "I think he can handle it."

I laugh, "Yeah I don't think he can mess that up."

"If I take the time to get to know a kitchen really well though, I don't think cooking for me is that much more difficult. It just takes some extra work to get to that point."

"That makes sense."

"Am I correct that you still have your wrist immobilizer on?"

"Um…yes. You could hear that, I guess?"

"Yes. You've had that on for quite a while, that can't be fun."

"Yeah, I did get my finger splint off which is…something. But I messed up my wrist pretty badly. I may have it on for a couple more weeks."

"Is that why you are a bit down this evening?"

That is some impressive intuition. Especially when you consider he must base it mostly on my voice.

I sigh, "It's part of it. Not being able to play the piano is hard. Um…but the main thing is all my friends are dating and stuff, and I'm not. I'm having a hard time with it."

Daisuke comes in holding a Bundt cake pan with oven mitts just when I finished the sentence. The cake smells good. I can't quite place the flavors from scent alone, but it definitely smells good.

Daisuke puts it down and asks, "What are you having a hard time with?"

I sigh, "Um. Akari has a boyfriend now. Ai and Carsten are together, obviously. So, I'm like a fifth wheel a lot of the time in our group. It makes me feel kind of crappy. And then I feel bad because they are all so happy and I'm acting like a child."

Daisuke comes to sit down next to me, "You're not acting like a child. There are plenty of adults in this world who are sad they don't have someone. Lots of them, I think. It's normal. Not that it makes it suck any less."

"...yeah…"

"Loneliness is a very common thing to feel. I think any one of your friends would feel the same way if the situation were different. So, I don't think you should feel guilty or anything."

I nod, "Yeah…that does help a little. We um…we don't have to keep talking about this. It's a holiday, right? I don't want to be a downer. We can talk about this some other time if it's still bothering me."

Daisuke nods, "Sure. Focusing on this food should help you some too."

Kaito smiles, "Actually there's something about this holiday that you might like if you're feeling this way."

"Other than the food?"

He laughs, "Yes, other than the food. One of the big things with the New Year is casting off one's sins. In other words, getting rid of things you feel bad about. I agree with Daisuke that I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling how you do. But if you want to try another way to get rid of that bad feeling, you could cast it off."

"Yeah? How do I do that?"

"Well, normally we would need a body of water of some kind. But I think we can make do with a cup of water." He turns his head towards Daisuke expectantly. He responds by bringing me a cup of water.

"So, as I explained to you…I'm not so good on the religious part. Normally one recites a prayer in Hebrew and symbolically casts their sin into the water. But I'm afraid I can't do the prayer part." He breaks off a small piece of bread and hands it to me. "So, just think about what you're feeling bad about, and put that piece of bread in there."

I guess it couldn't hurt.

I close my eyes and think about how I'm feeling, wishing that I didn't feel jealous of my friends who are all so happy. I wish I could just be happy for them. I envision sort of channeling those negative feelings into my hand and then into the bread. I put the piece of bread in the glass.

"Now Daisuke will go dump that in the sink, so it will really be 'cast away.'"

Daisuke is sitting comfortably and looks more than ready to eat. He says, "I…will?"

Kaito turns towards him, smiles and says, "Won't you?"

Daisuke rolls his eyes and says, "Yes, fine."

He leaves the room to go somewhere to dump out the water and bread. Presumably the kitchen.

Kaito turns to me and smirks, "He rolled his eyes when I said that didn't he?"

I giggle. "Your intuition is impressive."

He laughs, "I'll remember that. I always assumed there was an eye roll when he took that tone with me. Nice to have it confirmed."

"Thanks for doing that for me, Kaito. I feel like it helped a little. Just even…imagining that I can get rid of the feeling by doing something like that makes it a little less."

He smiles, "Good. That means you'll have more room for the food too."

I laugh, "Yes, that's what's more important."

Daisuke comes back before long, and we go about eating the couscous. Apparently, it has seven types of vegetables in it because in Judaism the world was created in seven days. It's pretty good. But I've been mostly thinking about that cake. Apparently, I'm not hiding it that well, either.

Daisuke laughs, "Interested in the cake, huh?" He turns to Kaito, "She's been staring at it for at least a minute."

Kaito laughs, "Well, we can have it shortly. Like most things we eat during Jewish holidays, it is symbolic. It is a honey-apple cake. Eating it is supposed to give you a better chance of having a 'sweet' new year. In fact in Hebrew, the greeting for the holiday roughly translates to, 'Have a happy and sweet New Year.'"

I laugh, "So you're telling me this cake will taste incredible and give me a better year? That sounds like the best cake ever. Don't tell my mom." This gets a pretty big laugh out of Daisuke.

Daisuke slices each of us a piece of the cake. From the first bite it tastes amazing. It has shredded apples in it, and you can taste the honey too. It's very moist and somewhere in between bread and cake in terms of texture. We all end up having a second piece. After that, we're in a stupor from eating too much. The mark of a holiday that was well-celebrated I suppose.

"How's your mom been doing since you moved out?"

"She's doing well, I think. I've stayed over there a couple nights since I moved. I know your parents have her over there a lot, and she's working hard to find a place for my dad's parents in town. Plus, track club and work of course. So, she's busy. Which is probably good."

"That's good. When are the Nakais moving here?"

"The plan is in November. So just a couple of months if things work out."

"It will probably be good for her to have them here."

"Yeah, I think so, mostly. I'm a little worried she'll be more stressed about things since they will sort of be her responsibility. But she does really love them. She wants to cook dinner for them every day and stuff like that. I think it will be nice for everyone."

Daisuke nods, "I think my parents will probably help too. They like the Nakais a lot. They were a big help after Saki back in the day, and then after we lost your dad…"

I really miss my dad lately. Maybe because I've been alone more and had more time to think about it?

I feel myself start to tear up. I really don't want to cry here. I push the feeling down.

"Yeah, that's good. I know they are all close. Hey, can I help clean up?"

Kaito answers, "If you'd like to. But are you okay?"

It's like he has superpowers. He must have noticed a change in my breathing or something.

"Yeah, I mean, still just a little down about the stuff I talked about earlier. I'll um…take some of these dishes down to the kitchen and wash them."

Daisuke says, "I'll come with you."

We wash the dishes together. Having something to do helps my mind be more at ease and I feel the growing sadness inside of me decline a bit. We go back to Kaito's room, and I notice it's late.

"Well, I think I'm gonna go. Thanks so much for inviting me. I'd love to do some of the other holidays, Kaito. Or you know, just eat stuff you cook for any reason."

He laughs, "Well it was nice having you as always. Please take a piece of cake home with you. See you soon."

Daisuke lools at me closely, then gives me a hug and says, "Let me know if you need to talk about anything else, okay?"

Okay maybe it doesn't take superpowers.

"I will. You both helped me tonight talking about the…loneliness stuff. So, thanks. See you later!"

...

When I get back to my room, I feel the depression welling up inside of me again. I do really miss my dad today. I haven't felt this bad about that since the anniversary. I probably just need to cry. That always helps. I crawl into bed and grab my capybara and think about all the things my dad would be doing if he were still here.

Things would be so much better if he were still here. He should be my teacher. He should be here to help me and take care of me. He should be here to help me understand stuff with boys. He should still be with mom, making her as happy as she used to be. If he were still here, they would be at home together right now cuddling on the couch. He should be here helping her cope with her grief. He should be here to help her with caring for his parents. The universe is really unfair to take him from us.

There's a knock on the door, and I know it's Akari. I don't really know if I want to let her in right now. I guess she did say I could talk about my dad with her. But it's such a downer. Especially because she just got back from her boyfriend's.

I say, "I'm coming." and get up and open the door for her. I try to wipe away my tears first, but as soon as I open the door Akari says, "What's wrong?"

I think I learned tonight that I wear my emotions on my sleeve, since everyone I interact with can tell something is wrong.

"I'm just having a hard day without my dad. We don't need to talk about that though."

"Are you sure? We c-can."

I sigh, "You're probably in a good mood right now. Can we just talk about you and Michi? Did you guys have fun tonight?"

She looks at me seriously. "We had a g-good time, but that doesn't m-matter right now, okay? Just tell me what you're thinking about."

I sit down on the bed and grab the capybara again and hug it to my chest.

"I just know my mom's having a hard time with stuff. And I was thinking how much better it would be if my dad was here. And that the universe sucks because he isn't."

Akari sits down next to me, "Yeah. It does s-suck. I would have liked to have met him. And I c-can see how much your mom loves him and misses him. It b-breaks my heart a little and I never saw them together. So, I can only imagine how it feels for you."

"Yeah. It does not feel good." I smile, "You missed out on him being your science teacher. Kind of funny to think about that."

"Yeah, that's crazy. All the boys think our current science t-teacher is hot, it would be all the g-girls if it was him."

We both laugh and I hit her in the side with the capybara.

"I guess maybe that's one good thing, then. I feel like it would be awkward if I knew half the girls at this school were into my dad."

She laughs, "H-half? At least three quarters. You would have a lot of girls t-trying to be your friend just to g-go to dinner at your house."

This earns her another capybara to the side. But then I put it down and hug her with my good arm.

"Thanks for cheering me up, Akari. Even if your crush on my dad's a little creepy. Don't tell Michi, he might get jealous."

She laughs, "I w-won't."

"So, how was your evening with him?"

"It was g-good." She blushes. "We w-were going to go to the cafeteria for d-dinner but then w-we started making out and lost track of the t-time..."

"Ooo. That must have been some make out session."

She laughs, "It r-really was. I am kind of hungry though."

I laugh, "I guess that's the trade off, huh? Oh, do you want a piece of cake? I did Jewish New Year with Daisuke and Kaito and there's this honey cake thing. He sent me home with a piece."

"That does s-sound amazing."

I get up and get the piece out for her, along with a plastic fork. "It's supposed to make you have a 'sweet' new year too. Maybe that means you'll make out lots more with Michi."

She laughs and sits down at the desk to eat it. She must really be hungry; I almost feel like I'm watching my mom. Once she finishes, she turns to me and says, "Or m-maybe more than just making out."

I laugh, "Yeah? How far have you guys gone?"

She blushes, "Not very far. He wants to but is being very nice about me wanting to go slower. The only thing we've done under clothes is um…he t-touched my boobs, t-tonight…" She turns even redder. "But that's the farthest."

I giggle at her. "You used to tell me you didn't have boobs. Now you have a boy happily caressing them for you."

She giggles, "He d-does make me feel b-better about all that stuff. He t-tells me how pretty I am a lot. And y-yeah he really likes my b-body."

"I tell you those things, but I guess it does mean more coming from a boy. Especially one who is touching your boobs." I giggle.

She laughs, "Yeah, it is a little d-different coming from him."

She gets up and sits next to me on the bed again with a more serious expression on his face. "Do you need to talk more about anything?"

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

"Not tonight, I don't think."

She nods, but she doesn't entirely look convinced.

"Okay well, I guess it's time for bed. Thank you for the c-cake. Goodnight!

"Goodnight Akari."