Oh boy. Things to get off my chest.
I never dated some disabled. Instead, I was the one legally blind and I have always felt so vulnerable about it even through many relationships. I also used it to my advantage because it was a fantastic, but yet awkward, ice breaker. But this one girl, this one damn girl, was different.
Four years ago, I was young and just started attending a university. I lived a little far from where I used to and it strained some of my friendships especially with my best friend at the time. She had to stay with her mom because she's one of her interpreters; her mom was deaf and she picked up ASL when she was young. She also works for the disability's office for a local community college. Therefore, she could not afford any prolonged time away from her mother and her job. Learning ASL really nailed her to the floor but it helped her find a career path.
Anyways, I knew her almost throughout high school prior to going to a university. Though I went to an all guys school, she was always walking distance away from my high school so we would always hang out after wards. I even learned some ASL through either osmosis or direct lessons from her (though now, I am horribly out of practice and such). She was also my go-to girl whenever I have any problem with women. For a while, she had this craziest obsession of seeing me without my glasses, removing them as she pleased. Being legally blind, whenever she did that, I flipped out. Granted, I always have a spare on me but it was always a dick move. She stopped when I told her I had a panic attack trying to find them in a concert.
We were so used to hanging out that she was immensely disappointed when I told her I was going to a school about an hour and a half away to study engineering. She added that she was always envious of me with my sights firm on an engineering career path. She, herself, could not figure out what to do despite being two years older than me. Before we said any formal good-byes, we had a pretty cheesy confession scene. And I kid you not, it was almost exactly like this:
Me: Hey, I think I like you.
Her: Yeah, I know.
Me: You took that from Han Solo, didn't you?
Her: Well, you know I'm awkward with this kind of situation so I don't know what I should say.
Me: It's alright. With me gone for a while, you have time to figure out what to say.
Okay, I wasn't the most suave guy in the planet. And I wasn't the nicest. She had previous relationships that exploded on her, and I knew. One boyfriend raped her which I rather not go into detail. But it was emotionally traumatizing and it really strained one period of our friendship because she temporarily lost trust on the male sex. But I was her best friend, and I genuinely liked her. And, well, I knew I forced her into an awkward situation because, at that time, I arrogantly knew what she would say when the time came.
Anyways, we still kept in touch with the magic of the internet. I just got into college and she was about to get her AA and needed figure out what to do with it. We spoke every day, never mentioning about that lingering confession I dropped on her. This was mainly because I didn't want to crowbar an answer out of her, but it was also because there were some fine women on campus. There was one girl in particular, who I got way too close to. I made the two mistakes: adding her on Facebook, and talking to my friend about her. Then I felt her snap and we stopped speaking for a few weeks.
I never pinned her as the jealous type, to be honest. On one of my weekend trips home, I went to her place and rang her bell. Her mother answered (she wired the place to make a light flash when people ring the bell) and I tried my best to ask where she was.She told me she was out but will be back soon. She even invited me in to wait for her. When she came in, I confronted her, this time without glasses, but with contacts for the first time in a while. She knew how much I hate contacts, but I knew how much she said she loved the shape of my eyes. In the weeks we stopped talking, I realized that without talking to her, I really have no one else. I was too arrogant before this moment, claiming her too early and willing to risk pretty much parading with another woman after I told her I liked her. It was wrong and I feel sick typing it out right now.
And with my knowledge of ASL, I signed "I love you." I remember it was one of the first things I asked from her when she was teaching me. She then repeated the gestures before me and that was it.
I could go on about how the following year was the best year I could ever live. How we were such an ideal couple. How she was so Rin-like, and I was too Shizune-like. And all the fights we got into, and how a petty we looked at our fights the following dinner. But we were a pretty normal, college couple, with about an hour's worth of distance between us.
But she was granted an ultimatum. She has always struggled trying to find a future for herself but when an opening for teaching (for ASL and English) came, she could not refuse. Well she could, if for me. The school was a nation away, and she would live with her aunt there if she said yes. I knew our relationship could withstand a 60-90 minute drive, but a 6 hour flight? Prior to her decision, I always told her to do whatever she desired. But her plans were to try to ultimately weave them with me. She even got accepted into my university but it was not really known for teaching. She had just a few weeks to ponder over this decision, roughly the same amount of time we stopped talking almost 8 months prior to that.
From there, my mind subconsciously grew sour. I didn't understand why. At this point I was dead weight for her and her career path. We got into a petty fight, one we could get over with if it was a normal time. It was stupid, I was a little upset because I lost a game of Super Smash Bros. Brawl to her because she was edge hogging. But we were strained, she told me I was too over competitive and too obsessive sometimes over her. I should have kept my mouth shut, just once in my life. Or maybe my subconscious knew that it would never work out with that much distance and wanted to give her a legit reason to dump me.
And that was it. She said yes to the decision and left. Her mother gave me the departure time if I wanted to see her off. But of course, I didn't.
Playing Lilly's route, I can't help but think of what if I did run after her, just as Hisao did for Lilly
. And from playing Shizune's route, we went out separate ways but I knew we would probably never reach that level of intimacy again
. And from playing Rin's route, what the fuck was wrong with me.
Last winter, three years after our break up, she came back to visit her mom. When I had news of it, I decided to visit. She was different, more defiant and less "matter the fact." I was too, I took my classes seriously and I was adamant to be the best engineer there was. That winter break, we hung out a lot, just like we did in high school. We dared not mention our relationship. Our break up was so verbally gory, it would be opening old wounds. This time I did see her off, but I was not one to let this opportunity pass me again. I knew she was dating already, and I wasn't. I sneaked a kiss to her cheek before she left. She laughed.
"You were probably the best boyfriend anyone could ever have."
Yeah... right. First time we spoke about our relationship, even through our slow emailed replies. But she was sincere, I really hoped she was lying.
- We never got into big fights. It wasn't an unhealthy relationship, I believe. We just fought over who gets to drive, what to eat, once a while. Small, petty fights
- We were local to California, she would move to New York
- We dated for about 8 months
- The fight that caused our break up really was over a stupid match. But I got a little verbally defensive and it was a slippery slope from there.
- Her aunt and her adviser granted that ultimatum. They managed to form an alumni affairs settlement and she was a shoe in.
I really had to get that out of my system. Playing the game was more emotionally stressing than I thought.