Love With a Hint of Luck [Will Be Rewritten]

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CosmicGhost
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Love With a Hint of Luck [Will Be Rewritten]

Post by CosmicGhost » Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:03 am

Chapter 1
Chapter 2

A few notes, this is my first ever fanfic so I don't really know how you guys would find it. I plan on making this a multi-chapter story. Please excuse my grammar and spelling since, English is only my second language. Honest feedback and suggestions would be very much appreciated. I hope you guys enjoy the story! :D

Chapter 1: New Friend, Same Old Life


* Alarm going off*

“Ugh...”

… I open my eyes... rather, my eye, to see my bleakly painted ceiling. It's 5 in the morning and I don't really know what to do. Class doesn't start in two hours. I rub my eyes and get up, stretch a bit and head my way to the bathroom. As expected, no one is here but me, so I took a hot shower and just unwind. The lukewarm splashing on my face feels good, the pain from my body escapes as if like I'm drifting away in bliss. I get out the shower, fix myself up, raising my dark hair, brush my teeth and shave. I head back to my dorm room and put on my school clothes. Long sleeves aren't my thing so I just tend to fold them, and I don't really like doing my tie that much. That pretty much sums up my mornings during a class day. I might as well go to town and eat breakfast there.

*Bell ring*

“Welcome to the Shanghai! O-oh! Yamato! Why so early?”

“I usually wake up five in the morning to get a head start, I just thought I'd eat breakfast here.”

“Are you sure these aren't sleeping problems I mean I could try to help... OH RIGHT! I'm s-sorry! What would it be?”

As usual, Yuuko is very serious about her work, but she tends to forget it sometimes just to start a conversation.

“I'll just have a cup of coffee and a sandwhich.”

“Sure thing! Sit anywhere you like. Oh and Yamato?”

“Yeah?”

“You dropped your ID Card yesterday at the library.”

“Ah! So that's where it was. Thanks Yuuko.”

“No problem!”

I take my ID Card from her hand and she hastily prepares my breakfast. I stare at my ID Card... Yamato Sakuraba, Age 18, Class 3-3, Yamaku Academy. Hm, Yamaku, a school for people with disabilities like me. Completely blind in my left eye, and my right leg is prosthetic from a motorcycle accident. But I'd rather not think about what happned that time... I see Yuuko with the tray on her hands, but not being clumsy. I guess she works better here at the Shanghai than at the library back at Yamaku.

“Here you go, Yamato.”

“Thanks, Yuuko.”

Before I could notice it, I already drank half my cup of coffee and nearly finished my sandwhich. But time does move fast since it's already 6. I finish my meal and I ask for the bill, I rush back to the campus.

*Thump*

“Urgh!.. Oh!, ah, I'm sorry.. N-Natsume?”

“Oh, Yamato? I'm sorry, I didn't notice you.”

“N-no... It's my fault, p-please, let me help you.”

Crap, of all the people, it just had to be her. My face feels hot as if I was a volcano about to erupt out of embarrassment.

“Y-Yamato...?”

“Yeah?”

“Your face... it's really red, do you want me to escort you to the nurse?”

Crap, I feel so embarrased right now. I'm sure that my blushing is really noticeable.

“Ha?! Uh, n-no! I'm okay...”

“Are you sure?”

She puts out her hand and feels my cheeks to check how I'm feeling. I stare at her eyes... a beautiful shade of green and an earthly color of brown. She kinda relates to me, since her right eye has low vision and she has arthritis in her knees Before I even noticed, silence strikes the air, and we both give a good stare at each other. We both look away from each other due to embarrassment, and I see her face flush a vivid red color. She then proceeds to break the silence.

“Uh.. w-we should get going now...”

“Y-yeah.. we should”

We get back to class, and as usual, I sit in my chair at the far back, a few chairs away from Natsume. Class starts and the door opens, Mutou being late than usual. But who is that person behind him really?

“Alright, before we start class, we got a new student.”

“Sup guys, my name is Hisao Nakai, my hobbies are Reading and Soccer...”

Awkward silence fills the room. And Mutou points him a seat next to Misha and Shizune, the Student Council. I might as well try to talk to him later at lunch. Misha just lets out a burst of laughter gaining the whole attention of the class.

*Bell rings*

I grab my things, and I check Natsume's seat, she left her crutch? Oh, but I guess Naomi will assist her anyway.
I approach Nakai, but his condition intrigues me. I guess it'll show up if I get to know him more.

“Hello Hisao.”

“Oh uh, hi... Sakuraba right?”

“Please, just call me Yamato-”

“Or Yamachan! Wahahaha~!”

Well that came out of nowhere. Knowing Shizune and Misha, they would probably try sucking Hisao into the Student Council. I guess I'll let them have their way with him.

“Hi there Misa, Shizune.”

“Hello Yamachan! Hicchan! Would you guys want to have lunch with us cute girls? Wahaha~!”

Hisao seems to be hesistant at first with the request of these girls, but eventually he accepts.

“Uh, s-sure.”

“How about you Yamachan? Would you want to have lunch with us?”

“Yeah, I don't mind.”

And that's that. We make our way to the cafeteria and we sit at a vacant table. Hisao seems to be inspecting me and trying to investigate what my disabilities are. I guess I'll go answer his question.

“Blind in my left eye, and I have a prosthetic leg.”

“Uh.. pardon?”

“Haha, a lot of new students tend to figure out which disabilities do their friends have.”

“...W-was it really that obvious?”

“Yeah... I went through that too.”

“It wouldn't be fair if I didn't tell you what my disability is... I have a heart defect... Arrythmia, it makes my-”

“Heart beat abnormally fast or slow, which maybe fatal.”

“How'd you know?”

“My dad had a few medical books in his office, and I just look at them from time to time.. By the way, what did Misha tell you about me? I saw you guys looking at me a while ago so I had the feeling...”

“Well, she said you were a very nice guy, but a really lazy one too, she described you as, the tall, lazy looking guy at the back with the undone tie and really rugged hair.”

Figures. Misha always didn't like how I looked. She always complained that I was taller than her. But I just retaliate by saying she has hair as pink as a flashing siren and her laugh sounds like she's using a megaphone, but Hisao seems to be slightly shorter than me and Misha doesn't seem to complain about him. Well, now that I know Hisao has a heart disease, we know each other slightly better now so I guess we're classified as friends now. Speaking of friends, here comes Shizune and Misha. I never really liked hanging out with anyone during lunch, I usually go to the rooftop and climb myself up the entrance door and feel the cool breeze, but I guess I could make an exception for now. Suddenly, Misha goes near me and whispers to my ear.

“Hey uh, Yamachan?”

“Yeah Misha?

“I saw you and Natsume earlier at town... and can I ask... are you guys dating?! Wahaha~!”

“Wha-! Ah! No!”

“Don't deny it Yamachan! You're dating her!”

Ah crap, that was uncalled for. Hisao chuckles at the back and a curious Shizune is trying to find out what's going on. I knew eating lunch with these guys would be trouble. But I guess that's just how it goes.

It's the end of class, not a lot of things are happening, but I still ponder over Misha's statement 'Don't deny it Yamachan! You're dating her!' Hm, It would be nice to have her as a.. girlfriend. Ha, what am I thinking? Thoughts like these could be really dangerous. After grabbing my things, I head out. Just as I was about to close the door, a sharp sound struck my ears... my mind goes blank... I hear a voice screaming my name.

“Yamato?”

The voice... it's familiar...

“Yamato! Are you all right!?”

T..that... voice...
“Nat...su...me...”

“Yamato...? Yamato?! Yamato!!!”

The voice.. it goes faint... I close my eyes, hoping the pain would end... the sound stops... Silence...
Last edited by CosmicGhost on Sun Apr 01, 2012 5:22 am, edited 7 times in total.
Chocolates, lol.

'Love With a Hint of Luck' is my fanfic. I just started with the fanfic business, so don't expect me to deliver professional writing.

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Mirage_GSM
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Location: Germany

Re: Love With A Hint Of Luck

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:15 am

I think you hit "paste" two times there...
All in all a good start for your story. Multiple issues with grammar, pronouns and tenses. Too many to address them all here, but if you like, I could go over the text and PM you a corrected version.
Also, if you intend to continue this, feel free to send me your drafts to proofread.
Just a few pointers for now:
1. Avoid writing stuff like *alarm rings* It comes across as being lazy. It doesn't have to be an elaborate sentence like "I'm brutally awakened from my peaceful sleep by the insistent ringing of my alarm clock." (In fact that would probably be worse.), but a simple "My alarm clock rings." would already be a real improvement.
2. Try to spice up your dialogues with little observations. Makes it easier to tell who says what (though that wasn't really a problem in this chapter, it might become one later on.), and also makes the dialogue more interesting.
3. Also, if an action or thought is associated to the one who has spoken last, you don't need to start a new line.
So instead of
I rush back to the campus.

*Thump*

“Urgh!.. Oh!, ah, I'm sorry.. N-Natsume?”

“Oh, Yamato? I'm sorry, I didn't notice you.”

“N-no... It's my fault, p-please, let me help you.”

Crap, of all the people, it just had to be her. My face feels hot as if I was a volcano about to erupt out of embarrassment.

“Y-Yamato...?”

“Yeah?”

“Your face... it's really red, do you want me to escort you to the nurse?”

Crap, I feel so embarrased right now. I'm sure that my blushing is really noticeable.

“Ha?! Uh, n-no! I'm okay...”

“Are you sure?”
it could be:
I rush back to the campus. In my hurry to get to class on time I don't notice the person suddenly appearing in front of me, and don't quite manage to stop before I bump into her.

“Urgh! Oh, ah, I'm sorry..." Only now do I realize who it is that I just ran into. "N-Natsume?”

“Oh, Yamato? I'm sorry, I didn't notice you.”

“N-no... It's my fault, p-please, let me help you.” Crap, of all the people, it just had to be her. My face feels hot as if I was a volcano about to erupt out of embarrassment.

“Y-Yamato...?” She sounds a bit worried.

“Yeah?”

“Your face... it's really red, do you want me to escort you to the nurse?”

Crap, I feel so embarrassed right now. I'm sure that my blushing is really noticeable. “Ha?! Uh, n-no! I'm okay...”

“Are you sure?”
...
I don't claim this is perfect, it's just to show you what I mean...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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CosmicGhost
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:15 am
Location: QC, Philippines

Re: Love With A Hint Of Luck

Post by CosmicGhost » Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:54 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:I think you hit "paste" two times there...
All in all a good start for your story. Multiple issues with grammar, pronouns and tenses. Too many to address them all here, but if you like, I could go over the text and PM you a corrected version.
Also, if you intend to continue this, feel free to send me your drafts to proofread.
Just a few pointers for now:
1. Avoid writing stuff like *alarm rings* It comes across as being lazy. It doesn't have to be an elaborate sentence like "I'm brutally awakened from my peaceful sleep by the insistent ringing of my alarm clock." (In fact that would probably be worse.), but a simple "My alarm clock rings." would already be a real improvement.
2. Try to spice up your dialogues with little observations. Makes it easier to tell who says what (though that wasn't really a problem in this chapter, it might become one later on.), and also makes the dialogue more interesting.
3. Also, if an action or thought is associated to the one who has spoken last, you don't need to start a new line.
So instead of
I rush back to the campus.

*Thump*

“Urgh!.. Oh!, ah, I'm sorry.. N-Natsume?”

“Oh, Yamato? I'm sorry, I didn't notice you.”

“N-no... It's my fault, p-please, let me help you.”

Crap, of all the people, it just had to be her. My face feels hot as if I was a volcano about to erupt out of embarrassment.

“Y-Yamato...?”

“Yeah?”

“Your face... it's really red, do you want me to escort you to the nurse?”

Crap, I feel so embarrased right now. I'm sure that my blushing is really noticeable.

“Ha?! Uh, n-no! I'm okay...”

“Are you sure?”
it could be:
I rush back to the campus. In my hurry to get to class on time I don't notice the person suddenly appearing in front of me, and don't quite manage to stop before I bump into her.

“Urgh! Oh, ah, I'm sorry..." Only now do I realize who it is that I just ran into. "N-Natsume?”

“Oh, Yamato? I'm sorry, I didn't notice you.”

“N-no... It's my fault, p-please, let me help you.” Crap, of all the people, it just had to be her. My face feels hot as if I was a volcano about to erupt out of embarrassment.

“Y-Yamato...?” She sounds a bit worried.

“Yeah?”

“Your face... it's really red, do you want me to escort you to the nurse?”

Crap, I feel so embarrassed right now. I'm sure that my blushing is really noticeable. “Ha?! Uh, n-no! I'm okay...”

“Are you sure?”
...
I don't claim this is perfect, it's just to show you what I mean...
Alright! I'll try to make the next one far more better! :D
Chocolates, lol.

'Love With a Hint of Luck' is my fanfic. I just started with the fanfic business, so don't expect me to deliver professional writing.

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scott1and
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Location: I just don't know anymore...

Re: Love With A Hint Of Luck

Post by scott1and » Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:46 pm

Same as mirage basically, but the story has potential to go somewhere. There's also (I think) never been a fanfiction with Natsume as a semi major character, so its nice to see some minor characters getting their moment in the limelight. Look forward to the next chapter.
Image

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CosmicGhost
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Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:15 am
Location: QC, Philippines

Re: Love With A Hint Of Luck

Post by CosmicGhost » Sun Jan 29, 2012 9:00 am

Here's an update. School's been keeping me busy lately, being the school photojournalist I am, as well as the horrendous amount of events lined up, I haven't had time to get cracking at Chapter 2. But those who are wanting to see more of this fanfic (if there are any, lol.), do not fret, I haven't given up on this fanfic yet, since I have so many ideas for it. I'll keep you guys updated if there are things that I have to inform you guys about.
Chocolates, lol.

'Love With a Hint of Luck' is my fanfic. I just started with the fanfic business, so don't expect me to deliver professional writing.

xaolindragon
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Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2012 9:41 pm

Re: Love With A Hint Of Luck

Post by xaolindragon » Sun Jan 29, 2012 11:19 am

Respectable. School's starting up for a lot of people (like me in college), so it's pretty understandable if updates are slow to come. As long as they will come, I, at least, will be happy about it. Thanks for the heads up!

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CosmicGhost
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Location: QC, Philippines

Re: Love With A Hint Of Luck

Post by CosmicGhost » Sun Mar 04, 2012 7:42 am

Update 2! School's almost over! Just 2 weeks left! Also, I will be making a short fan-fic in a few days to make up for the long wait. The short fan-fic will NOT be canon to LoveLuck. (The nickname I gave to the main-fic) So I hope you guys get excited (in a non erotic way) for Chapter 2 as well as my mini-fic.
Chocolates, lol.

'Love With a Hint of Luck' is my fanfic. I just started with the fanfic business, so don't expect me to deliver professional writing.

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CosmicGhost
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Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:15 am
Location: QC, Philippines

Re: Love With A Hint Of Luck

Post by CosmicGhost » Wed Mar 14, 2012 1:56 am

Here we gooooo!

--------------------
Chapter 2: 'Twas Just a Dream

The silence stops, I can hear the faint voice of a girl. "Yamato..." The voice sounds real familiar. Before I knew it, the voice grew louder...

"Yamato!.."

and louder...

"Yamato!!.."

and louder...

"Wake up! Yamato!"

Now I remember that voice, it's Natusme's. I guess all those things with me passing out were probably a dream. I get off my desk, stand and stretch a little, and slap myself on the face a few times to wake me up.

"Finally, you're awake," Natsume says with a cheerful tone. "I had to wake you up, Mutou dismissed us already, you fell asleep right before he did, though."

"Oh, uh, thanks," I look around and I noticed that Naomi isn't with her right now. "Say... Natsume?"

"Yep?"

"Where's Naomi? Isn't she supposed to assist you with... you know?"

"Uh, well, she needed to do something urgent, something about her parents? And plus, the things I have right now aren't all that heavy, I guess I'm fine." Her hand is trembling horrendously when she holds that thing, makes me think it a ton already.

"I don't believe you," I say in a very brash tone. "Your hand is trembling horribly, here, let me take that for you."

"Uh, s-sure.." I took the case from her and when I did, I noticed it was quite heavy. Meh, I've carried heavier things.

"Woah, this is heavy. What's in this thing anyway?"

"Articles," Right, I almost forgot she was in the Newspaper Club. But how exactly does a briefcase filled with paper feel like you're holding a 35 pound dumbbell? "Which reminds me! Yamato?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have a club right now don't you?" Well I know where this is going.

"Uh, s-sorry. I'm not really that interested in joining the Newspaper club, nor am I good writer," When I said that, her smile turned into a straight face. But it's not like I'm gonna change my mind. So I reply quickly. "But, if you ever need help, you can always call me," And her expression reverts back to a smile. "So, shall we get going?"

"Going? Where?"

"Well, you needed help right?"

"Hey! I didn't ask you to help me at all," The way her face pouts is like a mixture of adorable and hilarious "Wha... What are you smirking at? D-Don't get any funny ideas!"

"No, it's nothing. The way you pout is just adorable..." Wait... did I just say that out loud? Now I can't even find the strength to look at her anymore.

"You... you really think so?"

"I..uh.. yeah," Dammit, where the hell am I going at? "I...uh.. think we should get going.. don't you think?"

"Uh.. yeah."

Time's passed quick, we're almost to the girl's dorm and she tries to break the silence barrier between us. "I noticed you weren't so social with people, why's that?" The way she says it sounds like an interrogation scene.

"W-well... it's..."

"Yamato? If you don't want to talk about it then I guess I should've never brought the topic up. Sorry about that."

"Uh... it's alright. It's just... my friends from my old school." Her straight face turns into a faint smile.

"Oh, I see. But I would really want to know more about you. You seem like a really fun person to be with." My cheeks start heating up, her words just made me blush I think. I'm in a really awkward position right now. Without noticing it, we were already there.

"Yamato?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for the day." Her cheerful tone gives me that amazing feeling like how I used to ride across the countryside with my Ninja.

"Uh... sure"

I wave goodbye to her, and she waves back. But what was that thanking for? Well, I guess I can't really understand how I feel right now. I'm not sure if I should be happy I spent that moment with her or should I get angry for bringing up that topic. My mind's a mess. I need to head back to the dorm and get a good night's rest if I don't want to fall asleep in class again.

----------
Not much, best I can do for now. My head is still filled with exam notes and such.
As always, feedback is always appreciated.
Chocolates, lol.

'Love With a Hint of Luck' is my fanfic. I just started with the fanfic business, so don't expect me to deliver professional writing.

MrDogsniper
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Re: Love With a Hint of Luck (Chapter 2 Released 3/14/12)

Post by MrDogsniper » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:39 pm

Positively terrific I like your writing I'll be waiting for your next ones...and even though it may be too late good luck on exams...I still have two months till mine.
:D looking forward to more
Sandvich!

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CosmicGhost
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Re: Love With a Hint of Luck (Chapter 2 Released 3/14/12)

Post by CosmicGhost » Mon Mar 26, 2012 11:21 am

Oh wow, I actually got a response in this thread. And I actually think it was devoid of any life at this point. And FYI I'm done with the exams when I wrote this chapter. I'm just slacking off again. Sorry, I'll try to get cracking on Chapter 3. :D
Chocolates, lol.

'Love With a Hint of Luck' is my fanfic. I just started with the fanfic business, so don't expect me to deliver professional writing.

MrDogsniper
Posts: 65
Joined: Sun Mar 11, 2012 10:57 pm

Re: Love With a Hint of Luck (Chapter 2 Released 3/14/12)

Post by MrDogsniper » Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:48 pm

Don't worry...I'm a lazy bum :lol: :D
Sandvich!

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CosmicGhost
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Location: QC, Philippines

Re: Love With a Hint of Luck (Chapter 2 Released 3/14/12)

Post by CosmicGhost » Sun Apr 01, 2012 5:21 am

Update! I will be rewriting this fanfic sooner or later due to the fact that there were some problems with my current story concept and my old story concept.
Chocolates, lol.

'Love With a Hint of Luck' is my fanfic. I just started with the fanfic business, so don't expect me to deliver professional writing.

MrDogsniper
Posts: 65
Joined: Sun Mar 11, 2012 10:57 pm

Re: Love With a Hint of Luck [Will Be Rewritten]

Post by MrDogsniper » Mon Apr 02, 2012 12:31 am

Same story different concepts interesting I'd like to see what happens.
Sandvich!

Nakasaro-San
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Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:49 am

Re: Love With a Hint of Luck [Will Be Rewritten]

Post by Nakasaro-San » Mon Apr 02, 2012 2:38 am

Continue pwease. I really like this fic :)

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