Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 26th)

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Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 26th)

Post by Brogurt » Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:51 pm

Table of Contents:

Cracked Sash

Read All About It!

Square Knot

Sins of the Unworthy

Up and Down and All Around

Chicken Scratch

To Whom It May Concern

Homecoming

The Reason


--------------------Below this line is the pre-release stuff. Above this line is strictly post-release.

Two for Two

Hicchan

"Sorry" Is Just a Word

Lunatics

Tea for Two

Pills - You are here



Pills

Oh, how the most insignificant things find ways to stick in our heads.
“Hey, you doing anything later today?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Want to come over to my place once class is done? Feel free to bring stuff to do; I don’t really have any plans.”
“O-okay, sounds good.”
“Alright, see ya.”
“Bye…”
It was a brief, unimportant meeting, but I’ve been waiting a while now, and it’s given me pause to rethink the situation many times over. I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking about this. It’s not a “date” per se, and I feel like I’d regret it if I were to bring her to some impersonal place out in town, but I can’t shake the feeling that she might be getting the wrong idea.
A quiet knock on the door. There aren’t many people around, so I know immediately who it is. After all, who else would exercise this much caution in order to avoid attention? I open the door up to find her standing on the other side, holding a rectangular box and a small stack of books in her arms.

“Hey there, Hanako, come on in.”

“Hello, Hisao.”

She steps inside and places her things on the ground while I shut the door. Once she’s free, we share a quick hug and a light peck on each cheek, our own ritual for our own time alone.
I lazily sit myself down on the floor, and she follows. This relaxed atmosphere is one I could gladly get used to. Just me and her; no problems, no worries. I decide to try and start things off easy with some small-talk.

“Well, you’re certainly looking good this afternoon.”

And I’m not just saying that because I’m looking for something to say. A light blush comes over her face and a giggle escapes her mouth.

“Thanks. You too.”

I take note of her more positive reaction to compliments as of late. That’s a good sign by my standards.

“What’s Lilly up to, anyway? I haven’t seen her a whole lot lately.”

“Class rep work… A lot of things have been coming up in Class 3-2 recently.”

She says this with a slight tone of disappointment in her voice. It’s no big surprise, and I can’t say that I don’t have similar feelings. I let out a sigh, making it audible to show my distaste as well.

“She probably does more work than our own representative. Funny how that works.”

Hanako drops another small giggle, evidently appreciating the irony just as much as me.
I stop to think of another topic, but I sooner notice her gaze fix itself on my assortment of pills, lying in their container on the counter, in their usual spot. I feel a pang of distress when I realize that I had forgotten to move them out of the open. Dammit. Things were going so well, too. Now it feels as though she’s staring directly at a sign that says, in big bold print, “These are Hisao’s medications. He needs them because he has a wretched, faulty, screwed up, dirty little heart.” I furrow my brow and scowl a bit as I think of what they represent. A daily fix for this fundamentally broken machination that I call my body. Only when I look to Hanako, and see her glance at me before averting her eyes, do I realize the glare I just gave her.

“Shit, sorry about that. I was just… thinking.”

I try to be contrite with my apology, but I get the feeling that it’s not quite working out.

“N-no, I should be sorry. It’s…”

She takes a long pause. The awkwardness of the situation begins to disturb me, so I decide to break the silence.

“I know.”

I inhale deeply to try and compose myself. But even despite this, I can feel my heartbeat accelerating.

“The closest thing I have to a cure for this.”

I clench my fist and pound it against my chest, keeping it pressed there for a short time, with no regard for the safety of such an action. No matter how much I’d like to pretend otherwise, I am afflicted by this malady of the heart. That’s the truth of it.



“H-Hisao?”

I exhaust a sigh… no, not a sigh. More along the lines of a groan, or a grunt of some sort. After realizing how coarse it must have sounded, I try to temper my voice before answering.

“Yes?”

It feels forced. She can probably tell how strained I am to keep up this façade, for me to pretend that I’m fine when I’m really not.
Time passes us by. Her gaze remains on the ground directly in front of her. What she says next startles me, not because of the content of her statement, but because of the haste with which it was delivered.

“I-I’vebeenonpillstoo.”

"I've been on pills too." She rushes to spit it out as quickly as possible, despite the shakiness evident in her voice. I’m reminded of the way she always acted back when I first met her. Is my own negativity is bringing her down as well? Damn it all. This isn’t what I wanted. Not for her to think I’m mad at her, not for her to be put through more than what she’s already been through. Why has everything been getting shot to hell all of a sudden?

“D-depression medications. Since… since shortly after the fire.”

I think back to that day. The day when she let me know. The fire, the burns, the trauma, the scars, everything. At the moment, it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that she might need antidepressants, probably due in part to my own melancholic state, but being reminded of her painful history only plunges me deeper into my despair. My heart doesn’t seem to be handling things much better, as that familiar, paralyzing pain threatens to manifest itself once again. I don’t know if I should be angry now, and if so, at whom? Her, for bringing up these topics that we should have moved past already? Me, for being weak enough to succumb to this pain, weak enough to deny her what she needs?

“But… two weeks ago…”

But? It doesn’t feel right to expect good news right now. In lieu of a proper response, I cynically turn my head to her. She looks up at me from beneath her bangs, but with a great deal more passion than my own gaze. As our eyes lock, the spirit that I see in hers captivates me.

“My psychiatrist recommended that my dosage be lowered.”

She takes a thorough breath. I’m not sure how to react to this news. It's certainly a significant change in the direction our dialogue was taking. I feel as if I’m expected to respond, but I don’t. She continues on, silencing that notion.

“Ever since I started taking the medicine, I dreaded the routine visits. Every day was a reminder of w-why I was there… There were t-two possibilities for me… I would remain the same, take the same doses and… and live the same life, or I’d be told that I should be filled with more and more d-drugs and prescriptions.”

Her voice keeps breaking up, and her pauses are quite noticeable. Even in light of the situation, talking about the past is clearly hard for her… This isn’t the first time I’ve recognized that fact.

“But for the first time, Hisao, my psychiatrist saw real, genuine improvement. I… I owe that much to you.”

A bright smile fixes itself on her face as she raises it upright, and I respond accordingly, and to my own surprise, with a slight grin and a tight embrace in celebration. Even if I’ve been feeling down, I can certainly find a bit of cheerfulness, maybe even pride, in this turn of events.



Some time later, I release her, and she lets me go as well. Not a moment too soon, I hope. I feel confidence in my decision when I see that look on her face has not wavered.

“I… I can’t express how happy I am for you.”

And that’s no lie, either. I may find myself in the gutter from time to time, but knowing that she’s happy does something for me that’s bordering on magic.

“B-but that’s not it…”

Her response catches me by surprise. Am I being faced with an addendum? A turn for the worse?

“I mean… I’ll be off the pills entirely, sooner or later.”

“Hopefully sooner rather than later.”

She flashes me a smirk which I could only describe as adorable. Now, my comment kind of slipped out, but I certainly don’t regret it.

“And I was thinking… The same could happen to you. I never thought I’d be able to recover, but I’m on my way. What’s to stop you from doing the same?”

I watch her right hand as she traces it over my chest once and slowly removes it. If she’s nervous or scared, she’s making no indication of it. It comes to me suddenly that my heartbeat has slowed down, possibly to normal speed. I run my own hand over my scar as well. She’s right, isn’t she? I think back to the only other time I’ve been nearly this in love. That event ended in a heart attack, and here I am now, heart beating as strongly as ever, steadily pounding out a future. Not just a future for me, but for her too. And on top of that, the doctors did say that my medications would dwindle over time. It just took Hanako to make me realize that. To make me say hello tomorrow, and goodbye to yesterday. To make me look forward instead of back… not unlike how I helped her.

“Someday, I might be able to live an unhindered life.”

Wait, was that me? I realize how long I’ve gone without a response. It’s just been me, silently looking down at my chest... Hold on, where’d Hanako go? I sweep my head around to search for her… There she is, sitting on the edge of my bed, looking into my mirror. I… don’t think I’ve ever seen her actually look directly at a mirror before.
Before I know it, my eyes are pulled into the looking glass as well. This point of view grants me a steady glimpse of her face within the reflection. Her head sits cocked to the right, resting on her palm with fingers curled inwards. Her hair has fallen out of the way to reveal her scars. The glimmer in her eyes, the serene grace in her smile… She’s absolutely beautiful. More so than I’ve ever come to realize before. I see her eyes wander over and meet my own for an instant, followed by her turning her head to look at me directly.

“I don’t see why not~.”



“I…”

I feel something in the corner of my eye. Instinctually, I try to hold it back.

“You…?”

Darn, it’s no use. Guess I’d better let it out.

“I could never have asked for someone better than you.”

I try not to snivel too much as I say it. After all, this statement means a lot to me. A couple tears break free from my eyes as I stand up and close in for another embrace. I suppose I didn’t expect her to do the same, as my chest is impacted sooner than I had expected. But it’s all good. I am not as weak or feeble as I may sometimes imagine. Oh, how the most insignificant things find ways to stick in our heads. This kind of event will not be my demise.



“Hey, so…”

“Hmm~?”

The uplifting quality of her voice catches me by surprise, and I let out a small chuckle before I make my inquiry.

“You have that chess set with you?”

“Mmhmm.”

“You’re going down.”

I draw her face closer to my own. As I gaze into her eyes, I think my intentions are made clear.
…This is the third time now that I’ve found myself lost in her. I don’t mind, though. Not one little bit. Something about this kiss just feels so right. Maybe it’s the weight which has just been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe it’s love.
As I relinquish her, I notice the look on her face change. It doesn’t worry me, though. If anything, it feels as though she’s challenging my earlier statement about her impending defeat.

“Don’t be so sure.”

So I was right. Her words echo with an air of confidence that I’d never have expected from her. Not until now, at least. I shoot her a smile and a raised eyebrow of my own as she grabs the chess set from the bottom of her stack of things, and we prepare to wage war off into the evening. I can’t say with certainty that I’d enjoy anything more.
Last edited by Brogurt on Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:11 am, edited 21 times in total.

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Re: Pills

Post by Brogurt » Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:54 pm

And this is my request to you, the reader: Stomp my writing into the ground. I’ve seen a lot of fanfiction around here receiving nothing but praise, and undeservedly so in my eyes. Tell me my writing sucks, and tell me why. You certainly can let me know what about it you liked, and I invite that as well, but if there’s one thing I’m looking for here, it’s a way or two for me to improve.
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Re: Pills

Post by Guest » Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:46 pm

I had it all written out. Then the forums hated me. Sorry =[

I'll try to do it again in a day or so

short summary: needs more coherence and less flow breaking (felt like parts were missing), otherwise not bad.

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Re: Pills

Post by Worthington » Mon Oct 10, 2011 1:25 am

Holy jeez, Brogurt; you registered!
Only a few complaints here: Sometimes you're writing borders on Urple Prose (overly descriptive to the point of being ugly). Use shorter words, shorter sentences. They carry more power.
Second: establish setting better, the first few sentences were rather hazy and hard to get a grip of what you were trying to say. Some bits in the middle too, flowed rather awkwardly, such as the scene where Hanako starts looking in the mirror. Your readers should never be confused as to what they are reading, and if you're an amazing writer, they should be able to picture the scene in their head (the best example of this i've ever read has got to be 'Of Mice and Men'. Reading it is like having a movie in my mind).
Good work nonetheless, albeit not what I was expecting (What I was expecting was PILLS HERE!)
Got my feet in the air and my head on the ground.

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Re: Pills

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Oct 10, 2011 2:55 am

Worthington wrote: Second: establish setting better, the first few sentences were rather hazy and hard to get a grip of what you were trying to say.
True, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. The reader doesn't need to be spoon-fed everything, and it all becomes clear a few lines down.
No real complaints except for one thing. For Hanako to be this familiar with Hisao this scene probably takes place a long time after Act 1. I would have expected Hisao to adjust a bit better to his situation in all that time, but since that's the premise of your story it's not really something you can change.
Looking forward to reading more from you in the future.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Pills

Post by moonpalace » Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:10 pm

Thanks, I enjoyed that. I liked the simple embellishments you made to the story - the sweet little "ritual" they have, how she has opened up to him and of course the end with the chess.

I also appreciate your attitude to criticism. The only other little thing I can think of adding is,
Brogurt wrote:Time passes us by. Her gaze remains on the ground directly in front of her.

“I-I’ve been on pills too.”

She hastens to spit it out as fast as possible, despite the evident shakiness in her voice.
When I read Hanako's line I simply heard her speak at a normal/slow speed. So the next line jarrs me and as a reader I'm forced to recalibrate. I didn't really notice it anywhere else in the story, and actually wasn't going to mention it, but after your thumbs up :wink:

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Re: Pills

Post by Silentcook » Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:29 pm

You naffed up here:
She takes a long pause.

“I know.”

I inhale deeply to try and compose myself. But even despite this, I can feel my heartbeat accelerating.
It's impossible to be sure of who says the spoken line, which breaks flow badly.

You also naffed up on the whole "Hanako is beautiful" bit. She is not. She may LOOK beautiful to a moonstruck Hisao, but the distinction is important.

Also
thorough breath
pauses are frequent and audible
succinctly adorable smirk
The fuck, man.

Bonus points for not turning the whole setting on its ear and/or crossovering with whatever, though.
Shattering your dreams since '94. I also fought COVID in '20 and all I got was this lousy forum sig.

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Re: Pills

Post by tony246 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:23 pm

First of all: Awww.

Secondly: I have to agree that sometimes the dialogue is a bit difficult to follow with who is who.

Thirdly, to the person below me.
Silentcook wrote:
You also naffed up on the whole "Hanako is beautiful" bit. She is not. She may LOOK beautiful to a moonstruck Hisao, but the distinction is important.
Ignoring any sort of biases, isn't this first person? So wouldn't saying Hanako is beautiful in first person state that at the very least Hisao thinks Hanako is beautiful?
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.

That is all.

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Re: Pills

Post by Brogurt » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:47 pm

Oh, balls.

I've been debating whether or not I should have explicitly stated who says which line.
See:
Misha: "WAHAHA"
Her laughter shakes the earth, and I suddenly found myself unable to hear.
vs.
"WAHAHA"
Misha's laughter shakes the earth, and I suddenly found myself unable to hear.
And I chose option two, since it seemed like it would look nicer.
And it seems to have caused quite a bit of trouble.

Barring that, would I be correct in assuming the problem with
thorough breath
pauses are frequent and audible
succinctly adorable smirk
is that the descriptions are contradictory? They hadn't seemed like an issue to me, but I guess that's what criticism is for.

Finally,
You also naffed up on the whole "Hanako is beautiful" bit. She is not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVjpBfcBSZg

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Re: Pills

Post by Silentcook » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:29 pm

Re: prefacing lines with names. Therein does not lie improvement. You may want to take a look here.
The alternative you picked is harder to perform, no doubt about it.

Re: descriptions. They are not so much contradictory (except for audible pauses, who manages that too) as nearly meaningless. Random-adjective random-noun.

Re: first-person narrative and the opinions therein. Yeah, in the same breath of internal dialogue there are analytic impressions and THAT. Go either way, not both ways. Since purely-emotional responses are damn hard to convey in writing except - perhaps - by resorting to certain ploys, there you need to make the distinction.
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Re: Brogurt's One-Stop Shop for Hanako Fanfiction

Post by Brogurt » Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:34 pm

Alright, so I've made some preliminary edits to Pills, but that may be the extent of the attention it'll be getting, since I'm going to be working on another story from here on out. As such, I've updated the topic name accordingly.

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Re: Brogurt's One-Stop Shop for Hanako Fanfiction

Post by WoopSlim » Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:10 am

Brogurt wrote:Alright, so I've made some preliminary edits to Pills, but that may be the extent of the attention it'll be getting, since I'm going to be working on another story from here on out. As such, I've updated the topic name accordingly.
That's nice bro, if you need a proofreader I will be glad to help you.
derp

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Re: Brogurt's One-Stop Shop for Hanako Fanfiction

Post by York » Sat Oct 29, 2011 12:22 pm

Ok, can't remember the last time I logged on, but I really liked this one.

Heartwarming moments of awesome aside, I prefer this writing style, where one doesn't label the speaker at the beginning of each line. Though it ups the difficulty of making the dialogue flow.

If I were to critique, it'd be that at some of the (...) pauses I can't tell who's picked up the conservation again with the next statement right away.
Though it seems to clear itself up in the proceeding lines.

Overall, I thought it was nice. Hope you keep writing.

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Tea for Two

Post by Brogurt » Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:58 pm

Tea for Two

!

The bell’s harsh ringing sends a spike of awareness shooting down my spine. I must have been about to doze off. Is it lunch time? I think so. I take a glance at the clock to confirm my suspicion. A glance that takes so long, it shouldn’t be called a glance at all. Maybe calling it a staring contest would be more appropriate. Anyway, I guess I’ll head to the tea room and eat with Lilly, the usual routine. Since Hanako didn’t show up today, there’s no harm in leaving right away, given that I won’t have to wait for her. I drowsily pack up my things and exit the classroom.

My journey to the tea room is long, arduous, and perpetuated by a painful silence. With respect to the latter, it’s not much different from when Hanako is here, but the lack of her presence still makes it seem to take longer than it usually does. But that’s probably just me. By the time I arrive, I’ve nearly woken up. The door is left ajar, as it usually is, so I step inside.

“Hello, Lilly.”

She waits a bit before greeting me. Normal behavior for her, of course, but this seems a bit prolonged.

“My my, hello Hisao. It doesn’t seem that Hanako’s with you, is she?”

“No, she wasn’t in class at all today.”

“How disappointing.”

She says this in a frank manner. I don’t suppose I disagree with her, though, even if getting here early was kind of nice.

“Would you like some tea, at least?”

I prepare to make my rebuttal in a lighthearted tone. I don’t want to sound like I don’t enjoy being here, and sound happens to be one of the few things Lilly can gauge someone’s intentions on.

“Do I really still have to answer that?”

She giggles softly. I guess it worked.

“Just making sure.”

As she goes to work preparing some tea for me, I set out my lunch and steal the opportunity to ask her something.

“Hey, so, what can you tell me about Hanako anyway?”

She seems to contemplate the question for a bit before responding.

“I don’t suppose that’s out of the question. What would you like to know?”

Lilly probably also recognizes how reluctant Hanako would be to talk about herself. Especially to someone she’s known for such a short time.

“Something I don’t already know, I guess.”

I shrug by force of habit, but it naturally has no effect on her. I guess I’d might haphazardly list some things to start with.

“I know she likes reading in the library, she’s quite shy, she has long dark hair, she has some… well… some scarring on her face.”

I wince a little bit during my last comment. It’s like I’m purposely trying to trivialize something that’s obviously not very trivial. Although I suppose Lilly might not know the extent of her scars, it still feels like I might be lying to myself. Regardless of my own twinge, Lilly seems satisfied enough to continue. I don’t suppose she’d have noticed it anyway.

“She says that her favorite colors are purple and blue. I suppose you’re familiar with them?”

She smiles sweetly as she says it, eliciting a chuckle out of me. It feels a bit awkward to be laughing about such a matter, but she doesn’t seem to mind. I get the feeling that she must have meant it as a joke anyway.

“Indeed, I am. Anyway, could you elaborate? I mean, did she describe them any further?”

I struggle to correct myself on that last sentence. Stupid Hisao. How would Lilly be able to detail colors, of all things, on her own?

“Of course. She likes how they’re the colors that radiate the least warmth. She doesn’t welcome the heat and strain of colors like red and orange. Her favorite hues are the deepest, darkest, and most royal and opaque ones. The ones so cool and calming, that you feel like you could lose yourself in them, and they’d wash over you and take away all your worries and fears.”

At first it strikes me as odd that she would know so much about Hanako’s favorite colors, but then I am reminded of what kind of person Hanako is. She’d probably enjoy talking with Lilly for any reason at all, even if it’s a talk Lilly has little place in. What’s also odd is that, well, it’s not like Lilly could formulate these descriptions on her own. I expect that Lilly’s familiar with the heat and the cold, but I don’t think that she’d be able to attribute them to certain colors, much less really understand what a color is. And then there’s the words like royal and opaque. These must be the exact words Hanako used… So this is how she talks when she’s actually comfortable, contrary to the stuttering and the general uneasiness that I’ve witnessed. This discussion is already becoming more informative than I had expected…

I imagine that Hanako’s desire for dark and soothing things is due, for the most part, to her reserved nature. I can’t see someone as outright as Shizune or Emi being fond of colors like that, and as for Rin… if she has a favorite color at all, it’s not likely to be one that anyone other than her can comprehend. Before I can contemplate the intricacies of favorite colors any further, Lilly continues with her exposition.

“As you said, she likes reading as a hobby, but she also enjoys playing chess. We do it ourselves from time to time.”

A question forms in my mind. I might be less willing to ask if I weren’t talking to Lilly, but I’m confident that she’ll know it’s just my curiosity getting the better of me.

“Alright, so how do you play, exactly? Wouldn’t it be kind of hard to… you know, on account of your blindness?”

“She uses a special set. Each of the squares has a hole in the center, and all of the pieces have pegs on the bottom. In addition, the dark tiles are all raised a bit. It makes it much easier for me to keep track of what’s going on and where things are.”

Lilly’s answer is quite succinct. At first I wonder if this is a question that she is asked a lot, but on the other hand, I don’t think a lot of people really seem to care about Hanako very much. Especially not from what I’ve seen during class. Even then, something seems off. It certainly wouldn’t be good habit to let discrepancies like this go untouched, so I state my case.

“I don’t think that’s the case with the set she showed me.”

“Oh?”

She seems genuinely surprised. I guess I’d better explain things.

“Yeah, the set we used looked just like any other. We played a couple rounds on the day of the festival, you know, after I left you to go find her.”

“Hmm, she hadn’t told me what happened that day. I wasn’t even aware she had another chess set.”

Now that I think about it, she did say that she has played with one other person before. The set we used must have been the same set shared between her and this mystery figure. I’d like to learn a bit more about this person, but I doubt Lilly knows very much, given her surprise at Hanako having another set in the first place. Maybe I’ll have to ask Hanako herself sometime. Nonetheless, Lilly brings up another point.

“It may also be worth mentioning that her birthday is July 10th, which I believe is a couple weeks from now.”

It’s kind of odd how Lilly neglects to state her own birthday. I suppose I didn’t necessarily ask, but I wouldn’t call it out of place for her to bring it up.

“So that would make her a Cancer then?”

Lilly pauses for a bit, before cocking her head curiously and delivering her reply.

“The Western Zodiac? I’ve never cared much for it, personally. I take it you do?”

It’s not a very big curiosity, to be honest, but I don’t bring it up. I’d probably know nothing about it if not for all the reading that I did in the hospital. I don’t remember a whole lot, but I know it described people born under Cancer as very emotional, withdrawn, and protective, of both themselves and others close to them. I have my fair share of disbeliefs about people being influenced at birth by the placement of the stars, but it’s surprising to think of how well some of the characteristics describe Hanako… I think it also said that Cancers have a strong desire for romance-

“Also, may I ask what brought about your curiosity? Are you perhaps interested in her?”





Damn.

She’s right, isn’t she? I hadn’t really thought about things that way before. Not overtly, at least. But I suppose I have made it kind of apparent. My face is overrun by a wave of heat as the blood rushes to it. I know this feeling. It’s called embarrassment. Luckily, Lilly can’t see my face, which -I’m certain- is bright red at the moment, but my silence probably conveys the same message. I tap my knuckle against the side of the desk to see if I can’t ease the situation a bit. I don’t want Lilly to think that I’ve left, or that I’ve passed out or died or something. I close my eyes as I meditate on this.

I this what I really want? Would choosing this broken, lonely girl be like choosing to forsake the possibility of a normal relationship? Like choosing to just give up and settle for someone who has no-one? Or have I taken a wrong turn somewhere, to end up in a situation where I’ve fallen for her? Is Hanako really a viable prospect for the long-term? Would it be better to just remain friends? How would Lilly feel about this, one way or the other? My rate of questioning begins to increase as the doubts pour into my head, but I soon hit a brick wall, delivered in the form of some concerning words.

“Hisao? Your rhythm has sped up. Is something the matter?”

My rhythm…? Does she mean my tapping? I synchronized that with my own internal clock-

My eyes flare open. Shit. My heart is acting up again, isn’t it? Keep calm, Hisao. Keep calm and carry on. I take a practiced breath, and then try to alleviate her concerns as best I can.

“Sorry, I just… I just got caught up in something.”

It’s true, to an extent. It’s not the whole story, but it’s true. Lilly’s response to my pains comes without hesitation.

“Don’t think that I’ll hold it against you if you are.”

She says this in a somewhat worried manner. The look on her face reinforces that. I suppose her concern is justified, however. She can’t necessarily see what’s become of me, and her motherly instincts must have caused her to assume the worst.

“If it came down to it, I’d stand beside you two every step of the way. If there’s one person right now that I’d like her to be with, it’s you.”

Encouraging. I kind of like that, but her tone quickly shifts back to a more troubled one.

“As long as your heart doesn’t carry with it too many… problems. Don’t give her something if you might just snatch it away, even accidentally. I’d hate to see her be crushed by something like that.”

Her stop is oddly abrupt, as if she were going to continue, but held her tongue. It’s kind of a depressing thought, though. Not just the possibility of me biting the dust, but also the fact that I’d be leaving her all alone in the process, after lending her my heart and soul to her… and allowing her to do the same to me.

On that note, what the hell was I thinking? Hanako isn’t some kind of wretch. The way she is right now, that’s a product of circumstance. I’ve seen the real Hanako before, even if only for a short time. She’s someone who could use a guy like me. And she’s someone who I’d like to be with. Then again, I feel like this is something I should take more time to decide on. Is it right to fall in love again so quickly? Is this a sign of fickleness, or a sign of conviction?

It suddenly occurs to me that my cup of tea has been sitting in front of me. For how long, I don’t know, but it soon becomes the center of my attention. Taking in the scent, the serenity, the care with which it was made, I feel inspired. Now would be the time to lay all of Lilly’s fears to rest, before my doubts take over.

“Thank you. And don’t worry. My heart won’t be a problem. And your support won’t go to waste.”

There, I said it. It’s concrete now. I could have maybe played it off as some harmless curiosity if I wanted.

But that isn’t what I want.



So, what happens now? Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I just locked myself into something pretty significant on little more than an impulse. I guess I could make a mental note to mark July 10th on my calendar. Yeah, that would be a good place to start.

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Brogurt
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Re: Brogurt's One-Stop Shop for Hanako Fanfiction

Post by Brogurt » Wed Nov 02, 2011 10:59 pm

This post reserved for a followup, like I did for my first piece. I can't be assed to write the whole thing right now, but I will tell you that this scenario was not given as much attention as my first, since I had a great idea for another story today and I'd rather work on it than touch this up.

____________________________
Anyway, first things first. Do you guys think this writing is actually better than my first? I technically had a better idea of what I was going into with this one, since I had already wrestled with some criticism and some decisions about the prose style from Pills, but as I said, this writing was kind of abandoned before I could have it just the way I want it.
Also, if it's not too much to ask, I'd like to see your vision of the shades of purple and blue that I (or Hanako) described to you (or Lilly). I'm kind of hoping that this exercise might give me an idea of how much my descriptions and adjectives clash with what I want people to see. Just purple and blue, the colors Hanako likes, the way I described them. Hex values, RGB, whatever.

I certainly hope that it's not too much of a departure to mention this here, but it does relate to astrology, namely Cancer, so whatever.
Anyway, I amazed myself with how much of an understatement it was to say that the characteristics of Cancer describe her well. My sources however bullshit they may be have repeatedly stated that Cancers:
Have a hard time making new friends, and would often prefer just to cling to ones they have then venture out and learn to trust others
Are very sentimental, living in the past -more often than not- due to their tendency to dwell on things that have once distressed them, even long ago
Need to come out of their shell to be fully realized; a Cancer is supposed to be held back by a barrier of shyness/insecurity that, once surpassed, leaves them virtually unstoppable or some shit
Are inexplicably attracted to that which is romantic: the tale of a knight in shining armor sweeping a lady off her feet, the act of courtship, the reverent art of making love.And all of the above are apparently applicable to both male and female Cancers.

I was born under Cancer myself. <3
Last edited by Brogurt on Thu Nov 03, 2011 6:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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