No Title~ Fragment 1 up~

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PasterOfMuppets
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No Title~ Fragment 1 up~

Post by PasterOfMuppets » Wed Jun 08, 2011 12:40 am

Sooo ugh... imma try this shit too...
I recently read a Fanfic in the mind of an alternate fictional character being tossed into the KS universe, and wanted to try it too.
Here's my spin on it atleast~

here we go~

No Title
Edited sorta


Ichigo Omura
Birthday: November 16
Zodiac: Sagittarius
Blood Type: O-
Height: 5'8
Weight: 60 kg
Hair: Black
Eyes: Grey
Likes:
Music, guitar, piano, fashion, art, cute things, and strawberries
Dislikes:
Loud noises, loud people, math, and surprises

Ichigo, born in Canada to a Japanese family. After having resided there for 20 years the Omura's moved back to Japan.
After 3 months of life in Japan, a car accident left Ichigo unconscious for a month. Now suffering from PTS, and constant blackouts
Ichigo is tossed into a new reality once again...

-sigh- it’s been a few months now… 5... 5 months since that accident…
A few months after I moved here from Canada…
That… Horrific accident that’s left me fucked the hell up for 5 months….
Post traumatic stress is what they call it…
I spent the first month in a coma or something like that…
When I woke up they told be I forgot how to walk, so there goes another month…
Not that I remember most of what happened…
I had to be returned to the hospital again after some time away from it suffering from random black-outs every now and then.. Some of my… “friends” said it was like I was sleep walking…
Huh… some friends… they all ditched me after the first few black-outs saying it was for their safety.
Apparently I do fucked up shit when im blacked out..

Damn… this is a long drive…

I’m off to my new school today, as suggested by my doctor.
Some place called “Yamaku” for “special” children…
“special”… in Canada the kids would’ve called it a retarded school…
Soo…. I’m going to a retarded school now….hmmmmmmmm…


-Black Out-
-Time skip-

….

...
..
I tried D;
should i continue with this?
thoughts?
critiques?
one liners?
Last edited by PasterOfMuppets on Sun Jun 12, 2011 11:12 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Hanako = Shizune = Lilly = Rin > Kenji > Placeholder > Emi

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: No Title~

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Jun 08, 2011 1:34 am

It is very hard to write from the perspective of someone whose brain isn't functioning like that of 'normal' people. I've tried Rin and Kenji, and that guy seems a couple of steps harder still...
You might want to tone it down a bit, or your story will be hard to read as well as write.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Ar Grathnos
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Re: No Title~

Post by Ar Grathnos » Wed Jun 08, 2011 2:56 am

Haha, that's awesome. A Canadian-Japanese I assume? If he can't speak Japanese, going to Yamaku will be extra difficult for him.

Canada is really under-represented. What would the rest of the world do without our giant-ice-spider skins or igloo exports?
My order of favorites; Hanako=Lilly>=Rin>=Emi>>>>Shizune
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Re: No Title~

Post by Silentcook » Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:37 am

Character bio at the start: -1
Self-exposition out of nowhere: -1
(Assuming) crossover: -1
Script format: -1
Actual amount of story: 0

I think you can do the algebra yourself. Sorry. :?
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PasterOfMuppets
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Re: No Title~

Post by PasterOfMuppets » Wed Jun 08, 2011 6:21 pm

Silentcook wrote:Character bio at the start: -1
Self-exposition out of nowhere: -1
(Assuming) crossover: -1
Script format: -1
Actual amount of story: 0

I think you can do the algebra yourself. Sorry. :?
T-T
On a scale of -10 to 0
that's not bad...
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Ar Grathnos
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Re: No Title~

Post by Ar Grathnos » Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:06 pm

I thought it went without saying, but I interpreted this as an introduction and a bit of character setup, not really a "first chapter" for a story. More like the beginning of its groundwork.

Maybe it's just the way my mind always tries to see things in their best light. I've noticed I tend to like things that other people say are crap. I have an unintentionally positive view most of the time, I guess.
My order of favorites; Hanako=Lilly>=Rin>=Emi>>>>Shizune
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Re: No Title~

Post by PasterOfMuppets » Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:40 pm

T-T i thank you above poster .. *sniffs*

I fixed the character bio a bit :\
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Hanako = Shizune = Lilly = Rin > Kenji > Placeholder > Emi

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Re: No Title~

Post by PasterOfMuppets » Sun Jun 12, 2011 10:15 pm

Fragment 1~


-sigh- it’s been a few months now… 5... 5 months since that accident…
A few months after I moved here from Canada…
That… Horrific accident that’s left me fucked the hell up for 5 months….
Post traumatic stress is what they call it…
I spent the first month in a coma or something like that…
When I woke up they told be I forgot how to walk, so there goes another month…
Not that I remember most of what happened…
I had to be returned to the hospital again after some time away from it suffering from random black-outs every now and then.. Some of my… “friends” said it was like I was sleep walking…
Huh… some friends… they all ditched me after the first few black-outs saying it was for their safety.
Apparently I do fucked up shit when im blacked out..

Damn… this is a long drive…

I’m off to my new school today, as suggested by my doctor.
Some place called “Yamaku” for “special” children…
“special”… in Canada the kids would’ve called it a retarded school…
Soo…. I’m going to a retarded school now….hmmmmmmmm…

-Black Out-
-Time skip-

….

*Bump* *bump* *engine dies*

“Huh… so this is it, eh?” I think to myself as I open my eyes to see the… ‘retarded’ school….
I step out of our little car on to the curb, taking a breath, and taking in the scenery..

“This place don’t look too bad after all, eh Ichi?” my mother asked

I resist the urge to say retarded and smiled, after having a second glance at the school though it really doesn’t look so bad.
It looks like one of those super prestigious private schools those rich preppy ass douche bags go to…
And this uniform is killing me… “god damn…” I whispered under my breath.
As I snapped back to reality my parents were already unpacking for me.
I sigh at the thought of being away from them for awhile. Even with my hard-ass attitude I’ll still miss them, after all they are my parents.


Rolling up the sleeves of my fresh uniform and loosening the tie, I take another look around.
I note how clean the surrounding air is… ahhhhh… I sigh again. This somewhat reminds me of Canada…

“Hey! Ichi! Your mother ‘nd I are going to stock up your dorm! You go on inside and see a Mr. Mutou! Your room is 306!”
Pap’s yelled half English and half Japanese.
Though his English is surprisingly good, mixing in the Japanese just doesn’t feel right…
It’s like mixing Pepsi with Coke…. It just doesn’t work…
…I nod…
The courtyard is rather spacious, all the trees and green space behind the main walls looks like they have a portion of the woods outside privatized.
I forgot all about the ‘special’ part of this school…
I suddenly have the urge to go all Billie Jean on the large stone tiled walk to the main gates…
…Billie Jean~ Is not my lover~ she’s just a gir-… God damn…
Entering through the main doors I notice again how gigantic this place is…
A great place for a bad placement of an ‘Over 9000’ joke…

While I’m just busy staring at everything, I almost didn’t realize a tired looking man waving at me…
His hair was groomed but messy, and he was dressed in a brown blazer. Beside him was another guy, he had messy but neat dirty-blonde or brown hair, also dressed in a uniform.
“another student? Probably” I thought as I was walking towards them…

“..And you must be Ichigo” The man said.
“Ugh.. Hai” I replied and gave him a slight bow.
He looks disapprovingly at my rolled up sleeves, and loose tie.
He fails to bring it up…
“How… is your… Japanese” The man asked with surprisingly good English..
Though his slight accent made me chuckle a little
“Amazing” I replied in Jap. Then again I only learned enough to speak fluently…
“good good. I am Mutou, your homeroom and science teacher. Pleased to mea- Oh! This is Naki-”
“Nakai.” the other guy cut him off.
“Right, this is Hisao Nakai. He is new here as well, and he’s your fellow classmate.”
I bow and was greeted with a hand-shake by Nakai and the almost forgotten one by Mutou.
Nakai and I talk amongst ourselves for a minute, which was followed by an awkward moment of silence…
He was slightly shorter than I was, his smile was warm but had a worried look on his face.
He had a slim build, and rather handsome… I wont lie, if I was a chick I’d hit that…

I look around one last time…
“Shall we go then?” Mutou suggested.
We nodded in agreement.

“So you’re from America?” The other boy asked..’Hisao’ I think his name was…
Or was it Nicols? Narki? Hmmmm….Nakai… There we go… Hisao Nakai…
“OH! Ughhh… Nah I’m from Canada” I replied dully after noticing I paused for some time pondering his name…
“ahh. Ok”
-awkward silence-

The hallways here are spacious, the walls are painted with ‘pre-faded’ colours, and the floor is littered in monochromatic tiles.
As we approach our supposed classroom, assuming so since Mr. ‘M’ didn’t really say where we were off to,
My fellow class mate seems to be tensing up a lot, his heart’s beating so furiously that I can hear it…

“you ok, bro?” I asked out of concern
He took a moment to reply…
“yeah, yeah. I should be… Just nervous, new life and all… What about you?”

Me? Hm…. I don’t know I never was the one to be nervous…
But what did he mean by a new life?…
Oh.. Right… I am reminded that this was a special school…
The guy looked pretty normal though, why is he here? Is he like me?...
*door opens*
.....
Good joke... Everybody laugh... Roll on snare drum... Curtains...

Hanako = Shizune = Lilly = Rin > Kenji > Placeholder > Emi

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Petermeter
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Re: No Title~

Post by Petermeter » Mon Jun 13, 2011 6:12 am

PasterOfMuppets wrote: *Bump* *bump* *engine dies*

-awkward silence-
*door opens*
.....
I think the above gives a pretty good summary of what caught my eye in that text. My opinion would be that you really should *not* use the asterisks for actions that take place, but rather - if you use them at all - for emphasis.
" *Bump* *bump* *engine dies* " could be written in a better way - my opinion - something like this: "With some rustling the engine dies."
"The guy looked pretty normal though, why is he here? Is he like me?... *door opens*" and here I would write " 'The guy looked pretty normal though, why is he here? Is he like me..?', I think as the door opens." Note that putting thoughts into single quotation marks 'thought' is just something I would do, not something I tell you to do. It just helps me keeping thoughts and descriptions away apart.
The overly use of the three dots as pauses is just something that caught my eye, some of them should be fine, but finishing every sentence with them isn't the best thing you can do.
Please note that I am no writer, so what I state here may actually be wrong.
Other than that, your text would be a much better introduction by itself than in addition to the biography. I am aware that you wouldn't know as much about the main char in that case, but that would be fine in my opinion, as you learn the most important points pretty fast ( gaijin, canadian, speaks japanese, father jap, mother canuck, some accident that made him the way he is; I could go on)

But now enough criticizing for now, that part is actually pretty good if you take into account that you didn't write much till now. You grasped the existing people in character afaict and the introduction is rather good, too. Please try to make your texts more readable ( the above points may help that), that would improve the impression of your story.
Ranking after act 1:
Hanako > Rin >> Lilly > Shizune > Emi
I played the routes in that order, every ending and all.
Ranking after full playthrough:
Lilly > Emi >> Rin ~ Hanako > Shizune

DMGnome
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Re: No Title~ Fragment 1 up~

Post by DMGnome » Mon Jun 13, 2011 9:46 am

Problems I notice:
-Too many ellipses
-Use of asterisks or dashes to set off actions
-The beginning of Fragment 1 is more-or-less copy-pasted from the first section
-Major inconsistencies in tense

The ellipses and asterisks/dashes make it seem like it's written in script format, even lacking character tags for speech. This would probably work better if you formatted it as standard prose, especially since this is overwhelmingly a forum for prose fanfiction.

Tense inconsistency is a major problem. Most stories are written in immediate past tense, so that's standard. However, there are many good stories written in present tense, including Katawa Shoujo itself. It doesn't really matter what tense you use, as long as you pick one and stick with it.
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Re: No Title~ Fragment 1 up~

Post by Leotrak » Tue Jun 14, 2011 3:56 pm

Basically what the other two said - this looks more like a script than a piece of fiction. Other than that, I see no problems with this...
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PasterOfMuppets
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Re: No Title~ Fragment 1 up~

Post by PasterOfMuppets » Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:31 pm

Be fixing this after teh diplomas are done ~
I appreciate all the help :D
English never was my best subject D;
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Rocket Royal
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Re: No Title~ Fragment 1 up~

Post by Rocket Royal » Wed Jun 15, 2011 1:52 pm

A chart with stats and info qualifies as just telling us, rather than showing through dialogue. That's a big no no.

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Re: No Title~ Fragment 1 up~

Post by kosherbacon » Tue Aug 09, 2011 8:54 pm

As someone who has used and abused(and how!) character bios prior to the fact, I suggest that in the future, if you have to post up a outline, just have it limited to things like height and age when you begin. When it comes to background story, you'll find out while you're writing what works and what doesn't. My own first set of OCs in my opinion, had too much trivia crammed into their backgrounds and many of the details really had no bearing on the story at all. Also, if you stick with a character of your own long enough, you'll find that they'll develop personalities contrary to what you may describe in a pre-story outline.

Yeah, filling out character sheets is fun, but try saving them for after your character has grown more.

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