Having rumours spread about you is part of being the top bitch of a school, I came to terms with that, but having your classmates whisper and mutter and pass notes about something you actually did is something else entirely. It’s embarrassing. Not unwarranted but still embarrassing.
Then there was the whole tie thing at the door. There’s plenty of whispers about the how and why, but especially the who. I don’t feel great about people judging Taro based on my reputation, or worse… that people think he’s not ‘good enough’ for me when it’s the complete opposite.
For the first few lessons I feel observed, exposed, and very anxious. Probably not the kinds of feeling my classmates would expect from me usually but here we are.
“Hello.” A voice pulls me out of my quiet reverie and back into the classroom. I blink a couple times before my brain registers the girl standing at the corner of my desk. A passive-looking, armless redhead. My classmate; Rin Tezuka.
“Hi, Rin.” I say with a slight smile, looking around and noticing the distinct lack of Rin’s bouncier counterpart but definitely a few curious eyes. “What’s up?”
“Lots of things although that’s not the question.” Rin answers and I internally sigh as I attempt to declutter her mess of words. “Not my question, anyway.”
“You want to ask me a question?” I cautiously ask, casting a glance sideways to the room again.
“Yes.” She looks at me with her usual somewhat vacant expression before looking away. “No.”
“It’s okay, Rin. Take your time.” I smile sympathetically as she shuffles in place, her face contorting in a few curious ways before I decide to help. “Is this about earlier? Outside the classroom?”
Rin’s focus returns to me, verdant green eyes slightly shining. Rin never struck me as the judgey sort so maybe this is pure curiosity on her part. I don’t mind entertaining that kind of interest.
“Is this about Taro?” I ask, a little expectantly. Given her curious look earlier, I guess she might have questions but I’m surprised she’s the first to ask.
“Yes. Lots of people are talking about you.”
“I thought they might…” I sigh, trying to maintain a smile. “Did you want to know something in particular?”
“Are you dating? Taro, I mean, not in general.” Rin tilts her head, her cheeks still pink. Am I sensing a little crush? I didn’t know Rin was capable of such a thing. She always gave me this asexual kind of vibe…
“Taro and I are… friends.” I answer honestly. We haven’t really established if we’re dating or if he really even likes me yet so that’s as good an answer as I can give. Though my attempt at a kiss and then his kiss on the cheek muddies that clear-cut definition some…
“Friends… who kiss each other goodbye.” Rin cuts through my bullshit and I can’t help but smile.
“That’s new. And complicated. I don’t really know what we are yet.” I look down at my desk, equal parts confusion and embarrassment.
“Hm. Like a chrysalis.” Rin nods, seemingly understanding but I’m not sure if she does. She’s one of the few people I could never get a read on here but considering how wrong I’ve been recently, maybe I should re-evaluate my perception of her.
“What do you think, Rin? Of me and Taro possibly dating?” I ask, a little bit curious about her opinion and what kind of metaphor she’ll use.
“Taro is nice. Helpful. You are…” Rin’s expression becomes blank again and my heart sinks. I’ve probably been bad to her at some point; I must have.
“I’m sorry.” I mutter reflexively and Rin’s expression remains neutral but she starts talking again.
“I think you and Taro are like magnets. Sometimes the ends snap together or sometimes they push apart. That’s more science than feelings though so maybe that’s not right…” Rin frowns, earning a chuckle from me.
“Are you saying opposites attract?” In your own way? Taro’s nice and I’m not? That’s pretty apt, honestly…
“Maybe.” Rin nods slowly in some agreement. “Is it good that opposites attract?”
“I hope so. Relationships are meant to be about compromise and balance but I’ve never really had relationship - a real one anyway - so I’m kind of winging it and hoping I don’t screw it up.” I admit.
Rin closes her eyes and I look around, a lot of the curious eyes seemingly have lost interest. Weird that this is possibly the longest conversation I’ve had with Rin where I’ve mostly understood the subject.
“I hope you don’t screw it up too.” Rin finally says with a pensive look. “Taro is nice.”
“Thank you, Rin. I think he’s really nice too.” I smile at her and notice the faintest tug of a smile in return. Yet another person looking out for Taro. I don’t think Rin would fight me for his honour but I really need to be careful it seems.
“Rin! I got our lunches!” Emi calls from the doorway, drawing our combined attention.
“I should go.” Rin says, not turning to acknowledge me as she walks towards the door.
“Bye, Rin.” I chuckle, shaking my head as I look back out of the window.
Classes end for the day and I make my way to the next classroom down the hall, seeing a stream of students pile out of Class 3-3. One figure almost bowls me over as they rush out of the class room, gently pushing past the others. I only catch the faintest glimpse of Hisao as he rushes off.
In any other circumstances, I’d assume he’d gotten bad news but judging by the grin on his face, I can only assume something good happened with Rika. I hope something good happened. That’s a guy who needs some peace of mind. Speaking of…
I look into Class 3-3 and see my target on the far end of the nearly empty classroom, near the window. Taro looks tense, tired; a far cry from his energetic self earlier today. Sitting at the desk next to him is the probable cause.
Ritsu’s talking at a rapid pace, smug and superior, while Taro’s face looks like a rock face worn away by the constant barrage of the sea. Guess I ought to go save him. I’m about to enter the classroom when Miki appears from my right, and calls me over with an annoyed look.
“Please tell me you’re here to kick her ass.” Miki whispers with exasperated eyes as I step away from the doorway. “She’s being giving Taro shit all day and I’ve been told not to smack her so please. For me?”
I can only give Miki an unsure look in response. I had some idea of what I’d say and this is only going to strengthen that idea but I still hate that he’s catching flak because of me.
“No promises but we’ll see what happens.” I shrug, stepping back and through the doorway.
I step through the desks and approach the two desks at the rear of the room. The knot in my stomach tightens as I reach into my bag. Ritsu doesn’t miss a beat and immediately goes on the offensive.
“Well, well, well! Look who it is, Taro!” Ritsu sneers, her face mimicking the same sort of smugness I would use on people. “We’ve been having a lovely chat aaaaall~ about you, Saaakiii~!”
That’s Ritsu’s big problem; she’s a social chameleon. She takes on the traits of the strongest personality in the room, looking for validation by copying others. Maybe she’d be different if she’d gotten with Taro… Maybe she’d be better. Instead, she got me and now she’s…
A show off, a blowhard
You're equal parts hot air and gall
And no one would doubt me
Without me, you're nothing at all
“Ritsu. I think you forgot something.” I utter with a soft matter-of-fact tone to lure her into a false sense of security.
“Tch. Don’t think so. You don’t have anything I’d want.” Her right eye twitches, the exact same way mine does when I get really angry.
“I didn’t say I had something of yours; I said you forgot something…” I continue the tone as my fingers wrap around the math compass rattling loosely at the bottom of my bag.
In one fluid motion, I pull my hand out of my bag and slam my fist into her desk. The loud bang of hollow wood and metal makes Ritsu and Taro flinch but the real treat is seeing Ritsu’s face as I reveal her math compass.
“You forgot who the fuck I am.” My tone becomes harsher, authoritative. Her veneer of assertiveness cracks and while it’s sickening to see my worst traits mirrored back at me; I do take a small amount of satisfaction in tearing down the old me by proxy.
“Oh, I remember juuust fine! I’ve been telling Taro about all the awful things you’ve done.” Ritsu’s shock wears off quicker than I thought and she’s back on the offensive. “Y’know… Really let him know what kind of bitch you are.”
I cast a glance sideways at Taro and he looks sad. I’m probably going to have a long conversation with him after this but right now, I need to make sure she doesn’t mess with him anymore.
“You wanna drag my name through the mud? Fine, fill your boots, but don’t drag other people into this because you’re too scared to take me head-on.”
“I’m not the one who’s been hiding! But you can’t run away from what you’ve done and I’m going to make sure everyone knows who and what you are!” Ritsu scowls, some real venom in her voice.
“You don’t know a damn thing about me! The stuff you don’t know about me couldn’t fit into that empty head of yours!” I spit back, tossing my bag to the side. “But if you wanna hurt others to get to me then I will gladly drag you down with me!”
“Yeah?” Ritsu laughs, standing and balling her fists. “How about I just kick the shit out of you instead? Break that pretty face of yours and make sure no one, not even wide-load here, will ever want to touch you again.”
“Knock it off, Ritsu…” Taro weakly says, sounding as tired and annoyed as I’d expect.
“I can’t believe you are defending her!” She wheels on Taro. “But I guess you’ve always had a kink for broken bitches.”
“Hey! Leave him alone, he’s done nothing wrong!” I shout, reaching over the desk and pushing her shoulder.
“I’m sorry, am I playing with your toys? Guess you know what that feels like now, huh?” Ritsu spits back, smirking despite the anger in her voice.
“You want an apology? Is that it?”
“No, I want to tear your fucking face off but since you seem to care about fatboy so much, maybe I’ll mess with him a little.”
“Yeah, I’m not playing your games…” Taro mutters bitterly. As Taro rises, Ritsu steps up to him and presses herself against him, her hands snaking up around his neck. My shoe squeaks against the floor as I go to move but Taro is already handling it.
“Aww, c’mon big guy…” Ritsu looks over at me as Taro pushes her off, his face red with anger.
“Get the fuck off me!”
“Is she really that special? I mean; why settle for second-hand goods?” Ritsu’s look of seduction effortlessly shifts to one of contempt as Taro moves down the aisle to just behind me. “She’s as used as they come.”
As Ritsu picks up her backpack, I look back at Taro concerned but he doesn’t meet my eyes. He just sighs, adjusting his own bag and walks toward the door at the front of the classroom. I see Miki waiting there, glaring at me to do something. My heart breaks as I glance back at the sullen Taro.
He probably knows a lot of the bad I’ve done now and there’s not a damn thing I can do to fix that… What she did. Forget what damage she did to my connection to him; she made him look like that, made him feel like that.
Without evil, there could be no good
So it must be good to be evil… Sometimes.
“Like you haven’t had your share of sloppy seconds.” I seethe, the words hissing through my gritted teeth, turning back to face Ritsu. “You had mine, after all.”
Her smirk disappears in an instant as we lock eyes and we both know what I mean.
“You’re a real piece of shit, Saki!” She growls and I paint on a confident smirk while my stomach knots again. A strong memory of a day last year where a scared girl came to me with a problem and I used my money and connections to make that problem disappear.
I really am a piece of shit to use this information like a silver bullet but she hurt him and that just makes me want to hurt her more.
“At least when I let losers like Shura cum in me; I have the sense to use protection.”
Ritsu screams and launches her backpack at me, following it up quicker than I thought she could. As the heavy bag hits me in the face, I stumble back into another desk. I have a sudden realisation as her fist streaks towards me, inches from my face.
I’ve never been in a fight before.
I hiss with pain as I apply the ice pack the Nurse gave me to my left eye. He tuts as he steps back and looks over Ritsu’s bruised right hand.
“Superficial at most. No real harm done.” He comments but without his usual upbeat tone. He looks to the principal and nods before leaving the room. The principal steps around her large oak desk, resting against it as she tilts her head at Ritsu and me; each sitting in chairs at least eight feet away from each other.
“Now then, ladies… I like a scrap as much as the next girl but you should know that I take a poor look at my students brawling.” The principal, Mrs Machio, is a slight woman but she has a reputation as a big personality. She’s stern but fair and, based on the wrestling mask in a glass display on her book case, is every bit a fan of fighting as she says.
“Now why don’t you tell me how you two came to blows?”
I lick my teeth and double-check that one of the teeth on my left side is still loose. Yup, that’s a lost cause. I look over at Ritsu as she sinks into her chair, arms folded.
“We had a disagreement and I escalated the issue, ma’am. I started the fight.” I admit as calmly as I can with my face hurting like it does. I turn my gaze to Mrs Machio, her eyebrow raised curiously at me. “Ritsu was just reacting.”
Mrs Machio nods, taking in my words before focusing on Ritsu. “And is this true?”
“She started it and I finished it, yeah.” Ritsu spits, not looking at me.
“And what was the disagreement?”
“She knows what she did!” Ritsu’s mutters under her breath, a low grumble in her throat. I wince and adjust the icepack on my face as Mrs Machio eyes me suspiciously.
“I see… And what was that, Saki?”
“I slept with her boyfriend and transferred club presidency over to someone other than her.” I answer honestly and matter-of-factly, much to their combined shock. “When I went to speak to her more about it, we got into an argument. I pushed her and that’s what caused the fight.”
It’s mostly accurate; it’s not entirely a lie, its fine…
“You physically pushed her?” The principal asks and I nod. “And you think a punch to the face is an appropriate response, Ritsu?”
“She fucked my boyfriend and threw it in my face so I threw something back!”
“So you instigated the violence?” Damn it…
“I started the fight, Mrs Machio.” I interject but I don’t think it helps.
“But you didn’t throw the first punch from what I’m hearing; Ritsu did.”
“But I deserved it!” I plead and that’s what changes Ritsu’s scowl into something closer to confusion. “She had every right to hit me after what I did.” And what I said.
“Yamaku Academy doesn’t see corporal punishment amongst peers being an acceptable way to resolve disputes, Saki. Whether both parties feel it’s warranted or not.” She says with authority, closing her eyes and folding her arms across her chest.
“At the very least, she shouldn’t be punished worse than I am! I was in the wrong way before she was.”
“Damn right you were!” Ritsu shouts and the principal holds up her hands to stop any further outbursts. She considers both of us before sighing in that disappointed way teachers do.
“I obviously can’t turn a blind eye to this incident. Your parents will be notified and you’ll both be placed into on-campus suspension in the interim, on the proviso that you both promise this will be the last fight I hear about between you two.”
Crap… I didn’t know my parents would be called. I thought I’d just be thrown into OCS. Maybe they won’t care? It’s not like it’s a performance or a showcase that they can use to show-off so maybe they won’t bother…
“Sound fair?” Mrs Machio’s voice brings me back into the room. She looks at me expectantly before Ritsu answers in my stead.
“I’ll stay out of her way as long as she stays out of mine.” She says and I nod in agreement.
Mrs Machio outlines the terms of our punishment and what room we’ll be reporting to tomorrow and then dismisses us; Ritsu leaving first. As the door closes, she gives me one last glower before disappearing and I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Saki, is everything alright with you?” Mrs Machio asks and I nod. Better than sitting here in silence for a few minutes, I suppose.
I can’t help but allow a bitter ‘heh’ escape my lips before coughing and shaking my head.
“No, ma’am, I mean yes, I’m fine!”
“You’re a terrible liar, Saki.” She gives me an unimpressed look. First time for everything, I suppose… “But I just want to make sure you’re not actively looking for… Trouble.”
“No, ma’am. I just… Don’t want to hold onto the things that make me unhappy anymore.”
“Is that why you quit the music club?” She asks and I affirm my decision with a nod. “Your music doesn’t make you happy?”
“It hasn’t for a long time, if I’m honest. Same with art. Not in the same way it used to.”
“Is this something you’d like to talk to Ms Tsunemori about?” The principal invokes the school’s staff therapist and I shake my head vehemently.
“I’m not depressed or anything; I just don’t want to waste my time with stuff that I only ever did for other people.”
Mrs Machio raises an eyebrow at me and I turn from her scrutinising gaze.
“Am I excused, ma’am?”
“Yes, Saki… But if you ever feel you need to talk; my door is always open.”
“I appreciate that, Mrs Machio, I really do. Sorry for taking up your time.”
I exit the principal’s office and am thankful to find the nurse waiting for me. I hand the icepack to him with a crooked smile before I leave the Foundation building. I take a deep lungful of fresh air and groan loudly in lieu of screaming.
“How’s the face?”
I flinch and look over my shoulder at Taro leaning against the wall, apparently waiting. His face is pointed downward but his eyes are focused on me.
“Holy shit, Taro! Are you okay?!” I rush over to him as he pushes himself off the wall with his shoulders. I throw my arms around him but he doesn’t do the same.
“I’m fine. Just… How’re you?”
“Forget how I am! I want to make sure you’re okay! You looked so sad earlier and that’s all my fault!”
“I mean… Yeah.” He shrugs and I finally let him go. He didn’t hug me back and he’s looking everywhere but at me. “But not really.”
“I’m sorry, I should have told you about the bad stuff I’ve done. You deserved to hear it from me, not from Ritsu.”
“Maybe…” He sighs before finally looking at me. “But I can understand why you didn’t. Not right away anyway. God knows I wouldn’t have said I have anger issues if I knew you were interested in me. Makes me sound like a rage monster.”
His crooked, self-deprecating smile makes me giggle a little before I give him a sympathetic smile. “But your actions reflect a very different Taro. It might not be how you see yourself; but a lot of people say you’re a good guy.”
He blushes furiously and looks away, pursing his lips. I look down at my shuffling feet, unsure on what I can say next.
“Well, I think… You’re trying your best and that’s more than most do.” He smiles and it almost makes the pain in my face hurt a little less. Almost. As I wince, he moves to look at the developing bruise.
“Wow that looks tender. I’m surprised you just stood there and took it.”
“Honestly, I don’t know how to fight. Never been in one. Who knew trying to be good could make you feel so bad?” I laugh but hiss when the muscles under my eye hurt.
“Like the old saying goes; no good deed goes unpunished.” Taro nods sagely.
“No act of charity goes unresented…” I quietly sing, mostly to myself, before I notice Taro’s curious gaze on me. “S-sorry, I was just quoting a musical…”
“You like musicals?” He asks with mild surprise.
“More like love them! Especially Wicked!” I can feel a grin stretch across my face as Taro licks his lips then smiles, a devious look in his eyes.
“Really? Well, how about instead of ending today on a downer where you tell me about all the horrible things you’ve done; you tell me about the musicals you love instead.”
“Only if you tell me about stuff you love!” I giggle and link arms with him excitedly, pulling him along as we head off toward the cafeteria. As he bashfully says that I should prepare myself for some very geeky topics, I reassure him that mine will be just as geeky.
As I enjoy the new feeling of the two of us sharing more with each other, I feel a gnawing doubt in the back of my mind as I remember a later verse in the song that spurred this conversation;
One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?