Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-9 added 01-22-2020

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Feurox
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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-7 added 11-12-2019

Post by Feurox » Fri Nov 15, 2019 6:54 am

I'm afraid I have to concur with Mirage here, the grammar and phrasing in this update was pretty sub-par, and detracted from the immersion and flow of the narrative. Anyway, for what you do have, I'd say the friendship is progressing naturally and it's often charming. So there's plenty to enjoy and like.

Where I'll express my concern is in the lack of direction the story seems to have at times. Your OC does things, and gives rather poor explanations for why. It's quite realistic in some aspects, we do just do things for no reason a lot, but it's not exactly compelling. I think most of that comes from your tendency to tell rather than show.

Overall, this is a pleasant read and at times very charming.

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Razoredge
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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-8 added 11-29-2019

Post by Razoredge » Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:07 pm

Fireflies

This is not just another Sunday morning, but the festival as well. I'm super excited about this day, but it could have been better because my parents won't come today. Mom called me yesterday, and she was so sorry for not being able to come with Dad because they're sick. They should stay at home, I don't want them to get even sicker.

It's only nine o'clock, but there's a lot of agitation outside. The festival is well-known here, and there's always a lot of local people coming for the festivities and for the stuff sold there on this very day. I eat some cookies to wake me up, but it won't be nourishing at all. I should take a meal at a stall, however, I can't make up my mind on what I would choose right now.

I take my wallet, and I leave my bedroom, but right after I close my door, someone bumps into me. In front of me, there's a girl with red earrings smiling at me, as if nothing happened. I puff my cheeks disapprovingly, which makes her laugh a lot.

" Saki, dear, could you let me know when you want to bump into me, please?" I let out before laughing a bit as well.

" I'm sorry sweetie, I've been dying to see you. And now that I'm free, we can spend all our time together." Saki beams at me.

" It's only half-past nine, you have already finished your work?" I marvel with a whistle of admiration.

" Seeing my best friend is one of the things which helps me to do a lot of work as fast as I can." She adds, proud of herself.

" Dear, what did I already tell you about working too fast?" This time, I switch to my protective role, even if what she did for me was cute.

" But... You never told me not to do this kind of thing for you." She looks at me with her puppy eyes, which is really cute, and I kiss her on the forehead, as a confirmation that I'm not mad at her.

I take her hand, and we leave the dorm, trying to make our way through the crowd consisting of students, their parents, and local people. We take our time because the crowd is really dense, and I don't want to lose Saki. Some animations draw our attention, and I have to say, they manage to occupy us for almost an hour. The first-years did a little musical show, which was really cute, and well made. The PSA system turns on, and the principal makes an announcement, but I'm not even listening.

Before lunchtime, we go around the school to see every little animation or stall, to kill some time. Also, Saki wants to show me one of her class’ stands, that sells some food. I should admit that this stall interests me, especially for its ramen soups.

It's not lunchtime yet, but I'm still hungry, and now, I have my eyes on the food. I take a ramen soup for me and a bowl of miso soup for Saki. The food is pretty cheap, but I know they put their heart making these meals. She says she will get my money back, but I don't do anything like that to get some money back.

We find a bench, and Saki sits down quickly as I sit down on the top of it, as usual. I invariably sit down on the top with my feet on the seat, it may feel weird, but I've always done that. My soup is a little cold, but it's good enough to ignore that fact. As we drink, we stay quiet, looking at this dense crowd moving in every way. I look upon Saki, who seems to enjoy almost anything, even a bowl of soup. When our bowls are empty, we go back to her class’ stall, to bring them back.

Now, I know what I'll do, I will enjoy spending my time with Saki, but someone is missing. Even if Lilly wants to help her classmates, she deserves to enjoy the festival too. I ask Saki if she knows where her stand is, but she doesn't know. Luckily, a student points us in the right direction. With these instructions, we find her stall with ease, and I call her to draw her attention. She seems to be really happy to hear my voice, but I won't walk past the queue, I just have to wait patiently.

She's very busy, and I'm sure it'll be a relief for her to do something else than working. It is a bit selfish, but I want to spend time with her, of course, but also allow her to have a good time instead of working for other people. It's finally my turn, and she quickly drops her waitress facade as soon as I start talking with her.

" I admire you, you know. To be honest, I achieve to mix things up in my own bedroom." I laugh, just like Lilly.

" Some things were mixed up among the line, and we try to fix it right now. Saki is with you if I'm not mistaken, isn't it?" She smiles as soon as I answer positively. " Have you seen Hanako today? I'm a bit worried, usually, she stays with me during the festival."

" Not today, but we can try to find her together if you want. It will allow you to take a break, you deserved it."

She's doubtful, I can see it on her face, which I understand because it seems that she doesn't want to leave her classmates alone. She puts her heart into this work, but thankfully, a student comes to my rescue.

" You worked enough to allow us to deal with the flow of people, and you've earned yourself a break." His tone is calm but a bit serious.

She puffs her cheeks, trying to resist, but she already knows that it's useless, and she gives up after only a minute of negotiations. She finally leaves her stall, taking her cane on the way. She also asks me if I looked for her at the library. My palm meets my face, how comes I didn’t think about looking for her there?

It doesn't take us so much time to reach the library, because the crowd becomes less dense as we approach the main building. I could have ignored Hanako, but she's Lilly's best friend, and if I want Lilly to enjoy the festival as much as I wish, Hanako must be with us. Even if she's the shyest girl I've ever seen in my life, I must admit I like her, even though I don't know how to behave with her sometimes.

As she hears Lilly's voice, she indicates her friend where she is. She was in the corner of the library, reading a book quietly, although the library is empty. Saki points out that this kind of behavior is common with her, which isn't surprising for a shy girl. When she sees me, she blushes a bit, but she remembers that Lilly is here, and it soothes her.

" Lilly... Aren't you supposed to help your classmates at your stall...?" Hanako asks, with a bit of surprise.

" Kaori told me to take a break, and we thought that, maybe, you can spend your time with us." Lilly chuckles.

" Also, we might watch the fireworks together," Saki adds, which is a great idea.

Our little group visits each stall, and the variety of products sold here is astonishing. This ranges from food to little handcrafted products, and everything finds a buyer.

A stall sells cookies, and I buy cookies for everyone, without worrying about how much it cost. I'm not a rich student, but I don't calculate everything when I'm with my friends. I just want to please them, with no ulterior motive. The afternoon takes its course, and Saki finds a game stall, where a few first-years are playing. She looks at me with a playful smile, as if she was able to read my mind. And she's right, I really want to play these games, just like she does.

" Well, there's still time before the fireworks begin, so we could play some games together." I grin, as Lilly laughs when she hears me.

" Playing games with Hanako, are you sure about that? She'll do whatever she can to win, you know?" Lilly jokes as Hanako starts to blush again.

" It will add some challenge, I like that."

Hanako proposes us to start with a game of Daruma Otoshi, which is a game consisting of hitting a ring with a mallet. We have to hit each ring with the hammer, from the bottom to the top, without touching the others. The game is over when the head of the figure is the only remaining piece. This is an entertaining skill game I used to play with my father when I was a child.

We have to hit each ring in turns, and I begin to play, hitting the first ring carefully. Saki and Hanako hit their ring with ease, but when it's my turn again, everything falls down. Hanako laughs cutely, and she starts another game with Saki. Of course, I'm supporting my best friend while Lilly supports hers, but Saki makes the same error I did a few minutes before.

Then, Hanako tells Lilly that some paper sheets are reserved for origami, which makes her smile. I'm always fascinated by people who can do beautiful things with only a sheet of paper. She folds the paper with a dexterity I've never seen before, and this sheet of paper slowly becomes a flower. We stay quiet as she finishes her origami, folding a few more little flowers. Lilly gives a flower to each of us, as a kind of a little gift. I keep mine in my hand because it's useless to go back to the dorm just to put it on my desk.

The afternoon goes on peacefully, and when night falls, we are hungry, and we head for a food stall. We all take a bowl of soup, and we sit down on the grass to eat our dinner. As usual, I'm done eating before everyone else, and I lay down as Saki strokes my hair gently. Hanako is kind enough to bring our bowls back, and for an entire hour, we talk about our festival projects for the coming months. Saki and I planned to enjoy Tanabata together, but it would be better to enjoy it as a group.

The first whistle of the fireworks surprises me, as everything was quiet a few seconds before. Saki is lying next to me in the grass, putting her head on my chest, as I stroke her hair. Everyone is enthusiastic around us, as the sky is colored with shades of green, gold, or even red. Our festival's fireworks are well-known in the region, and it seems it gets even better every year.

Lilly, with her eyes shut, listens religiously as Hanako is amazed by all the colors and different shapes. I never had seen Hanako as happy as she is right now, even when we helped Lilly together. This year's fireworks are much longer than the previous one, but the grand final comes too quickly for my liking.

A great variety of colors and shapes lights up the sky in an infernal racket, but that seems worthwhile. Everyone in the crowd is in awe, such as me, because this year's festival was an unqualified success. Saki sighs, as this day is finally ending.

" That was our last festival together, unfortunately." She's sad because we all know that our university studies will prevent us from spending a lot of time together.

" The year isn't over, sweetie, there are a few festivals to enjoy together until we go to the university." I beam, fondling her cheek.

" Especially Tanabata," Lilly adds, " I really like to go there with Hanako and my sister, you should come with us." she offers, with a smile.

Saki gets back on her feet first, and I do the same, cracking my bones in the process. I wince in pain, I hate when my backbone cracks like that without no apparent reason. However, her offer was so kind, how could I refuse?

" It would be my pleasure Lilly, I'm sure Saki is happy too." Saki sticks her tongue out at me, agreeing to what I said a few seconds before. " Still, if my parents were there today, it would have been better." I'm a bit sad, I can't hide that fact.

" Sometimes, it's hard to look on the bright side of things, but I'm sure you'll see them soon," Lilly says with a motherly but kind tone, smiling at me with her eyes shut.

" As long as I am with my friends, who are a part of my family, I'm fine." I can't lie when I say something like that, and Lilly, when she hears my words, remains silent, keeping her beaming smile.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route, Razor's One Shots & misc. & Sakura Blossom

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-8 added 11-29-2019

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:43 am

It looks as if you rewrote the chapter a couple of times. Some passages read as if there are passages missing:
" I admire you, you know. To be honest, I achieve to mix things up in my own bedroom." I laugh, just like Lilly.
That's a strange greeting. She doesn't even kn ow about the mix-up at the stand yet.
She also asks me if I looked for her at the library.
How? She hasn't left Lilly's side since she asked her to look for Hanako in the first place.
As she hears Lilly's voice, she indicates her friend where she is.
This sentence is missing a word or two to make sense.
"Kaori told me to take a break, and we thought that, maybe, you can spend your time with us." Lilly chuckles.
It was a boy who told her to take a break.
As usual, I'm done eating before everyone else, and I lay down as Saki strokes my hair gently.
...
Saki is lying next to me in the grass, putting her head on my chest, as I stroke her hair.
Some switching up must have happened in between those lines...

If you've made multiple changes it's best to read the whole chapter once more when you are done. Possibly out loud. Or get someone else to read it instead to notice inconsistencies like those.

Also Hanako strangely has no problems at all walking over the festival with a group of friends. Seems completely out of character for her...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-9 added 01-22-2020

Post by Razoredge » Wed Jan 22, 2020 6:34 am

Teatime

One week after the festival, the academy goes back to its usual quietude. After waking up, I take my pills, and I head for the refectory to eat my breakfast. Every morning, my mind goes into an automatic mode, I do the same things day after day. Taking my pills, eating breakfast, and swimming before going to class. 

After an hour and a half of mindless stuff, I’m ready for class, and as usual, I’m early. The classroom fills up slowly, but I already know that this day will bores me as hell. Even if I’m an early riser, I yawn, because sometimes, I wish I could sleep more each morning. 

When the first lesson of the day starts, we have to work in groups. I turn over to see if Hanako is alone or not, but her neighbors ask her to work with them. For me, it’s a first, but it’s better than nothing, at least she’s not alone. As usual, I will work with my neighbor, she’s a nice girl, even if I almost know nothing about her. 

As the teacher gives us some sheets of paper, I notice that it does not thrill the new student to work with the class delegate, given the hopeless look I can see on his face. At least, it must be the new student, he’s the only boy I have seen with this pink-haired girl since the beginning of the year. 

However, when I give our work some attention, the first questions are easy for me. My neighbor asks me some help, and I explain her things with my own words, trying to be concise but understandable.  

Even if I don’t like this matter, being able to help someone is something I cherish, and this is one of the multiple reasons that explains why I want to be a teacher. However, there’re some words I can’t describe to her, but she can’t hold it against me. Some questions are hard to answer, and I’m not able to answer some of these, even if I try my hardest. 

Thankfully, the teacher won’t give us grades for this work, and within an hour, we could answer 6 questions out of ten. I know that I have shortcomings with science, even if I understand some things. Then, our homeroom teacher leaves, and morning take its course. 

The other lessons of the morning are dull because it only comprises taking notes. Sometimes, our teacher can’t entertain us every time, because they have to prepare us for our exams. Every night, I read all my notes to memorize them as much as I can, but I already know that some exams will be a real mess for me. But now, it’s time to follow the crowd, and I head for the refectory because I’m starving. 

............................................

When I reach the refectory building, I hear Saki’s voice behind me, who tells me to wait for her. I’m happy to hear her voice, I didn’t want to eat alone today. We quickly take our place in the queue, and she tells me some news about the boy she was telling me about before. 

“Yesterday, when you went to the library, he asked me on a date.” Saki beams.

“And you said yes, aren’t you? Another answer would not be acceptable.” I laugh, taunting her a bit. 

“Of course, I said yes, but now, we have to foresee when we can hang out together.” She exults, I’m thrilled to hear such good news. 

“Finally, it took you some time, but I’m thrilled, and I hope you’ll get along fine.” She hugs me frankly, to thank me as usual. 

The queue moves forward as she taunts me back. 

“You know, I can be in a relationship before you, you’d better hurry.” She says, sticking her tongue out at me.

“We’re not on a race Saki, I think I know what you mean, and if you’re talking about Lilly, which is what I believe, I try to build a relationship with her. I’m taking my time because I don’t want to rush things.”

She knows what I’m talking about, I’m afraid to rush things, and that’s why I never had a real relationship before. But I can’t see the future, and I have to take everything one step at a time. 

“However, I’d expect you to let me know if you do something with him. But I’m happy for you, and I hope you’ll be happy with him.” I smile, and finally, it’s our turn. 

I take some rice and beef, as Saki takes rice and fish, and we sit down. Today, I’ll attempt to eat slower than usual, because she worries a lot about that. Talking with her helps me to eat slower, even if it’s insignificant stuff, such as our lessons, or even the weather. 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, but two days ago, my mother called me, and I asked her if you could come before the end of the year. And of course, she agreed, so we need to foresee a date.” I say with a smile.

“Great, I just have to ask my parents if I can too, and everything will be fine, I think. You’ll thank your mother for me, sweetie, she’s very kind.” She chirpses as we finish our dishes slowly. 

Before going back to class, we stroll around, hand in hand. For anyone outside our inner circle, acting like that would say that she’s my girlfriend, but we do things like that since we are best friends. And like that, I’m ready to help her. Also, I don’t give a fuck about what people may think about us. But all good things must come to an end, and this is time for us to go back to class. 

...................................................

The afternoon’s lessons reflect the morning’s teachings, which were boring. We take notes with no kind of interaction, but sometimes, it’s necessary. As usual, when I’m bored, I doodle some things on my sheets of paper because it helps me to stay focus. 

The last lessons of the day seem to last an eternity for me, especially the last one, but it’s only a hard time. I want to pass my exams at any cost, so I grit my teeth, and I try to stay focus, as hard as I can. When the bell rings, I breathe a sigh of relief, but before I leave the classroom, my neighbor asks me if I can help her with Japanese literature later. 

I can’t refuse, she asked my help with one of the kindest tones I’ve ever heard. It would be my pleasure to help her, and I tell her to ask me whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Then, she leaves the classroom smiling, and now, I can head for our tea room. 

When I reach the room, I find it empty, but that’s fine, I’m patient, and I’m sure Lilly and Hanako will arrive soon. I take a seat, and I wait for them, playing a puzzle game on my phone. I’m not used to playing on my phone, but sometimes, it helps to kill some time. However, five minutes later, they’re finally there. 

“Oh... Hi... Kaori,” Hanako whispers, staying next to Lilly as she enters the room. 

Lilly greets me too, as she takes a seat. This time, I propose to make tea for them, and we begin to talk, as the water warms up. 

“How was your day, Kaori?” Lilly asks with a concerned tone.

“It was dull, I have to say, taking notes and stuff like that. You know, I like interactive lessons, but, sometimes, lectures are necessary, even if I’m not fond of such a thing. What about you?” I ask, taking three different tea bags in advance. 

“When I’m not in classes, I help my classmates as a class delegate. It takes a lot of time every week, but I’m proud to help them as much as I can, trying to make things easier for them.” She beams, as Hanako nods to show her agreement. 

For me, it’s kind of obvious that she’s a class delegate because of her kind and motherly behavior. At least, this is how I see a class delegate, but unfortunately, mine is not like that. Water boils slowly, and I hear, behind me, the noise of a wooden thing put on the table. I guess that Hanako and Lilly want to play chess, at least this is what I expect from them. 

“When I was younger, all my class delegates were stubborn people, and they did nothing for us. So, it’s nice to see some people who are concerned about helping others. I love to help people, but I think I won’t be able to help an entire class. I have to say, I admire this kind of behavior.” She blushes and smiles when she hears my words, thanking me with a sweet tone. 

When the water is ready, I infuse the tea bags in 3 cups. I chose a blueberry tea for me, a vanilla tea for Lilly, and black tea for Hanako, hoping that I made the right choice. I don’t pour sugar into the cups, because, for me, drinking tea with sugar is a heresy. Finally, our tea is ready, and I give Hanako her cup, and I gently place Lilly’s cup into her outstretched hands. 

I don’t understand how people can love chess like they do, because it seems far too complicated for me. But when I see them playing, I have the impression that it’s a child’s play for them, and I feel dumb for not being able to understand this game’s rules.

As the game goes on, I stay quiet, because I don’t want to bother them. However, I try to understand every move, writing every pattern I see in my mind, but it doesn’t really make sense to me. I take a sip of tea, as Hanako moves a piece that looks like a little horse which doesn’t move like the other pieces. How can I understand a game when all the pieces don’t move in the same directions, following the same pattern?

“I think you will struggle to explain to me how to play chess, Lilly, because I don’t even understand the patterns of each piece. It’s an interesting game though, and I really want to know what you are doing.” I laugh, even if I have the impression that I’m a child in front of adults. 

“When you’re a beginner, chess is hard to understand, mainly because of the multiple possibilities. But don’t worry, when you’re ready, I’ll try to explain to you how to play. Hanako is a better teacher than me, but I don’t think you’ll understand her way of playing.” Lilly chuckles as she moves her pieces slowly. 

I drink my tea while it’s still hot, and after a long game, Hanako wins, at least, that’s what Lilly says. If I could understand a game like that, they would impress me with their skills, but I’m still a complete beginner. Taking a sip of my tea, I stay quiet for a few moments, as they start a new game, however, I want to ask something to Lilly.

 “Hmm, Lilly, I wonder, would you like to hang out with me tomorrow? I like to stroll around after school sometimes, and it would be a pleasure for me to share that moment with you.” I wonder, and she takes a few seconds before answering me. 

“How could I say no to this kind offer? It would be a pleasure for me too, but when should we meet?” She asks me, as Hanako plays first. 

"How about thirty minutes after school, in front of the school’s gate? It would allow us to be ready in time, especially for me, sometimes, I take so much time to be ready.” I giggle, joking about my own flaws. 

“That seems reasonable, do you already know where do you want to go, Kaori?” Lilly asks me, while I realize I have no answer to give her about that. 

“I have to admit, I foresee nothing when I stroll around, so it will be a surprise, but we won’t get very far, don’t worry.” 

She smiles as she touches every piece for being aware of Hanako’s moves, and I finish my cup of tea while watching them play another interesting game. Time flies when I’m with them, even when they take their time to play chess or drink some tea. Sometimes, taking time is necessary, and this is a very pleasant thing, people should take their time more often, instead of rushing things. 

I’m here, watching two girls playing a game I don’t understand, wordlessly, but spending time with them is something I cherish. When I came to Yamaku, I was alone during my first year, without my family and my friends, and it was a tough time. Fortunately, Saki came into my life during my second year there, such as Hanako and Lilly now.

Without them, I would be very lonely, luckily, I’m in good company. I just have to avoid to screw everything up like I did in my childhood with some of my old friends. When I was ten, I messed everything because of a girl who lied about her feelings. And that’s something I want to avoid as much as possible, especially with them. However, I hope that I will spend more time with Lilly, because she matters more and more to me, and I hope she’s aware of it. If not, I have to tell her the truth, but it will take some time, just like I did with Saki. 

Outside, it rains a bit, but it doesn’t matter, nothing else matters when you’re with your friends. 
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route, Razor's One Shots & misc. & Sakura Blossom

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-9 added 01-22-2020

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:42 am

I think you're using the word "foresee" in quite an unusual way.
In most cases I would substitute it with "plan".
Did I miss an edit request for this chapter. It's been a very busy few weeks for me, and it is entirely possible...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-9 added 01-22-2020

Post by Razoredge » Mon Feb 03, 2020 2:21 pm

Not at all ^^ I'll send you edit requests for the upcoming chapters, don't worry.

Speaking of foresee, the way I use it is the way I learned it, so maybe, I learned it the wrong way, it's possible, I don't know.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route, Razor's One Shots & misc. & Sakura Blossom

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-9 added 01-22-2020

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Feb 04, 2020 12:49 pm

The meaning of "foresee" is more like "to predict", as in to make guesses about the future.

The way you used it here:
“Of course, I said yes, but now, we have to foresee when we can hang out together.”
"And of course, she agreed, so we need to foresee a date.
...I think what you meant was that they had to make plans.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Beyond The Haze : A Lilly pseudo-route - II-9 added 01-22-2020

Post by Razoredge » Tue Feb 04, 2020 6:44 pm

Yeah, that was what I wanted to say, but as you can see, I still have some grammar and vocabulary issues. But that's why I'm writing, because I want to improve myself ^^ Yeah, I'll defenitively send you some edit requests
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route, Razor's One Shots & misc. & Sakura Blossom

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