Hanako Fancopter requested a more detailed and in depth view on my opinions on this piece, so here it is. Considering he said he knew I wasn't going to like it from the beginning, I have no idea why he wants this, but it's not going to hurt me to play along.
While you talked about doing an edgy Rika story, I'm still not sure of your actual intentions here. Where you just trying to do your own version of an edgy Rika or did you set out to write an even more
edgy Rika than the previous story? If you were going for a more edgy version you certainly managed it. As bad as the previous Rika was, she still showed some good qualities and at least tried to have something that resembled a relationship. This Rika just seems to be pure bad qualities with no redeeming value. There's no real hook to her for me to enjoy as a reader, or any reason to believe Hisao would want to spend time with her.
Right from the start, Hisao feels off. Before we even find out Rika's name (in story) he has referred to "kenji bullshit" which seems unnecessarily harsh and vulgar for the character. It's soon followed by
it’s obvious that she wants me. Wants my attention for something or other, that is.
You're writing no-route still bitter and lost Hisao
and that just screams I'm sexy and I know it *wink at the audience*
Hisao. Now after this Hisao is talking with Rika and he makes it obvious that he doesn't want anything to do with her, but his reply to her is a joke, which further sends mixed message about what exactly what his mindset is. Again this is followed by "sexy and I know it Hisao" commenting
I seem to have the world’s most envious curse—girls simply just won’t leave me the hell alone.
“Umm, what? Girls… falling over me? Since when?” I ask, genuinely confused.
I have no idea what kind of characterization you're even going for with Hisao at this point. I'm not sure Hisao knows either.
Hisao then goes along with somebody he admits to not liking simply because he has nothing better to do. At this point, Rika does come off as some what interesting of a character in her talk with Hisao. Even in the theater the character admits to not liking Rika (with far more vulgarity than is usual for the character) and then ...
I’d probably be pissed at her if I didn’t want her so badly now.
Where does that even come from? It feels like you just went "well, she's the leading lady so Hisao has to be attracted to her," without giving us any reason why he would be. In fact, you've given us plenty of reasons why he wouldn't. Considering how much Hisao talks about how horrible she is and how much he doesn't like her, it would make more sense for him to walk out of the theater than it would for him to start making out with her.
This isn't a Hisao that thinks with his dick. This is a Hisao that doesn't think at all. and cusses a lot.
Two traits that are pretty much the opposite of Hisao.
You actually start to show signs of this after the sex scene where Rika talks to him about "earning his fuck." and Hisao's attitude actually feels somewhat kind the real Hisao for a moment. Rika's absolute control over him comes across as way to quick. Within the course of one chapter (a few hours of interaction maximum) she's already telling him who he can and can't associate with and Hisao is agreeing because he's "unable to deny my own desires."
Pretty much everytime Hisao thinks about her it's about how horrible a person she is, so why is he so quick to let her control him? I have a hard time believing that it's just because they had sex in public, (Which strikes me as something Hisao would object to much more even IF it was for somebody he had feelings for). The game itself shows time and time again that he's actually interested in a relationship not just casual sex. He's not that big into people just using him either.
The fact that he waited until day five to object to this seems a bit much as well, considering you even start the next chapter saying that he didn't know what to think. Hisao in the game is all about over analyzing things. Actually for the most part, Hisao does feel like himsel for much of the beginning of chapter two. It's a harsher more bitter version of himself, but it's there. i'd say it's likely comparable to much of Act 1 or even lots of Rin's route.
I actually even like when Hisao goes to visit Rika in her room. It clearly shows Hisao as somebody what wants more from a relationship and is actually trying to figure out where they stand. And Rika does nothing but make fun of Hisao and insult him... so he gets angry and has sex.
This is where I stopped reading it before and I have no desire to read it any further. There is nothing to like about Rika. You haven't given her a single good redeeming quality so far in this story. The worst part about this story to this point is that Hisao knows this. He has nothign good to say about her at any point except "sex is good." I mean, she's a horrible bitch, but sex is good. it's not a good hook for a relationship. It's an even worse one for a story.
It just feels like Hisao's actual character is in there trying to get out, but for whatever reason he literally is unable to object to anything Rika wants.
You objected to it the last time when I said you don't understand Hisao and right here...
Yeah I won't really try to mount much defense for Hisao--I'm not sure what his personality is "supposed" to be outside of being a loser who lucks his way into getting laid.
You say it again here.
That's what I'm saying, you're complaining that he's not "in character," but I have no idea what he is "supposed" to be in this sense aside from a boring audience stand-in, so I deliberately choose to write him in a way that I prefer instead.
You admit to not knowing who the character is so you're making up something different.
So why you were upset about me telling you your Hisao is a horrible take on the character, I simply don't understand.
If you're trying to do a serious story why would you even want to make up a completely new personality for a character? I would think that if somebody was trying to write a Hisao and Rika relationship that you would actually want to try to write Hisao
and not just generic "whatever I feel like."
Even the thing you know about Hisao's character are horrible off base.
As far as being a dumbass, he is no better or worse than any of the other character in the game. A "loser" is a matter of opinion, I don't see at any point in the game that it ever paints him as a loser. He's smart, fairly likable, good in social situations, tries his best to help people, and talented in a variety of ways. Which part of that makes him a loser?
And lucks his way into getting laid?
Hardly. The guy works damned hard for his relationships. In many cases he's befriending people that doesn't actually have any other friends. He actually has to be able to learn another language for Shizune and keep up with her, befriends a girl that literally runs away fro people trying to talk to her, and just to even put up with Rin would require the patience of a saint.
A sensible Hisao would stop seeing Rika after that first "date" and that would be the end of it, you're right about that.
Here you're telling me your version of Hisao doesn't have any sense (and is "lucky" enough to get laid.) At this point you're giving me a story with a protagonist that's stupid, who's actions don't match with his thoughts, and a female lead that's just a straight up horrible person. I usually tend to avoid stories without any likable characters.
You want tips on writing Hisao, okay. First off you have to get rid of the idea that he's just some dumbass that gets laid. Right there you're starting off in a manner that disrespects the character you're trying to write. He's your lead character. Show the guy some respect. Do not think of his as an audience stand in. It's a cheap and easy way to dismiss the character.
--Or in a place where someone might walk in on them who they'd really rather not (Shizune at her dad's house/Lilly on the living room floor with Hanako in the same house; he couldn't even be bothered to move into the bathroom or something).
His scene with Lilly is in the bathroom. As for Shizune, she's really the one that initiates the sex. In fact, it's usually the girl's that do. I can't think of one instance where Hisao is the one that makes the first move. He's often even a bit reluctant go go along with what they have in mind of where it's at.
When Emi randomly suggests unprotected anal he legitimately just shrugs and goes "why not?"
The anal was due to lack of protection. They do discuss this.
The more I've thought about it the more I became convinced that thinking with his dick is one of Hisao's most consistent traits. I think there isn't a single case in the game of a girl offering him sex and him flatly rejecting it (he can choose to reject Misha, but he can also choose to do her), even though again, there are serious reasons to hold off in every single route. It's actually why I ended up having him sleep with Miki after Rika gets pissed at him, I decided that he would absolutely have drunk sex that he probably shouldn't simply because there's a hot girl and he can.
Funny, the game itself has Hisao reject a girl when she's drunk. Hanako is flirting with him like crazy in her route after she gets drunk and he shuts her down because it wouldn't be right to take advantage of her and he isn't sure what their relationship even is at that point.
There's a couple of times where he turns down Rin. One of which is because he's mad at her. Honestly, a lot of Rin's route does a good job at showing a more bitter Hisao in a relationship. He's still trying to help, but he won't let her just use him. You push him enough, he will push back. To a lesser extent it shows up in Emi's route. Of course, Rin and Emi actually have some good qualities, even qualities he admires.
That's actually one of Hisao's traits. He does try to copy some of the better characteristics of those around him, but he never let's it stop him from being his own person. if somebody has their life together, he seems no problem in following them (Lilly, Shizune, to a lesser extent Emi) leading, he's a little bit less good at (Hanako and Rin).
Granted, I gave up early on the story, but from what I did see, I think what you're most missing from the story is any kind of reason for Hisao to like Rika. Does she say anything that helps him get him handle his own troubles? Is there anything that she's good at?
I'd also really suggest toning down the swearing.
At this point though, I've really given more thought into a story that I don't particularly care about than I've meant to. If you have any specific questions I could answer them, but really I feel like I'm done with this one.
I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh. I really don't think you're that bad of a writer. Not everything you writer is to my taste and sometimes I feel you try to take shortcuts in places rather than thinking them out, but you do have a certain amount of talent to you.