Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

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kayeskay
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by kayeskay » Mon Jul 31, 2017 10:42 am

Woohoo! A new chapter! (And this story isn't dead!)
As much as I'd like to give you some useful comments/feedback, I'm horrible at that kind of stuff and I'll leave it to people who will actually know what they're talking about.

But I will mention that I liked Konosuke and Matsumoto's characters, and that I could imagine that scene in the truck where Konosuke lights up when talking about Ryoko Tamura in the truck as an animation, complete with dramatic music transitioning to a happy/joking around theme. Or maybe I've just seen that sort of scene where an intimidating guy suddenly changes mood at a certain comment in a lot of other shows, but whatever. I always enjoy those scenes even when I see them coming.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jul 31, 2017 11:12 am

Awkwardness: The moment when your girlfriend introduces you as "a good kid" :-)

Some sentences slipped into past tense again, and a few cases of what are probably copy-paste errors, otherwise no complaints.

Nice to see this isn't dead yet.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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acquireTigris
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by acquireTigris » Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:29 pm

kayeskay wrote:Woohoo! A new chapter! (And this story isn't dead!)
As much as I'd like to give you some useful comments/feedback, I'm horrible at that kind of stuff and I'll leave it to people who will actually know what they're talking about.

But I will mention that I liked Konosuke and Matsumoto's characters, and that I could imagine that scene in the truck where Konosuke lights up when talking about Ryoko Tamura in the truck as an animation, complete with dramatic music transitioning to a happy/joking around theme. Or maybe I've just seen that sort of scene where an intimidating guy suddenly changes mood at a certain comment in a lot of other shows, but whatever. I always enjoy those scenes even when I see them coming.
Dead? Never. I'll die before this route dies.

I'm glad you like Miki's brothers.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Awkwardness: The moment when your girlfriend introduces you as "a good kid" :-)

Some sentences slipped into past tense again, and a few cases of what are probably copy-paste errors, otherwise no complaints.

Nice to see this isn't dead yet.
If you're talking about the scene where Hisao's in the tub and thinking about Miki in a towel, that was deliberately in past tense because he was thinking about something in the past while he was doing something else at present. I think the chapter's fine as it is.

But thanks for the heads up.

NEVER DEAD!
Dancing: My Miki Pseudo-route

acquireTigris, gotTiger, Tiger.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:34 am

acquireTigris wrote:If you're talking about the scene where Hisao's in the tub and thinking about Miki in a towel, that was deliberately in past tense because he was thinking about something in the past while he was doing something else at present.
No there were several places... Mostly towards the beginnin iIrc...
The station wasn’t even surrounded by four solid walls, only railings and columns.
Climbing out of the driver’s seat was the shortest, burliest man I’ve ever seen.
and further down:
The rest of the evening was uneventful, to say the least. We went down to have dinner earlier. I was quiet while Miki did a bunch of catching up with her brothers. I was slightly surprised that they didn’t interrogate me or anything. But I couldn’t help but notice that Miki was quieter than usual. It’s almost like she’s distracted.
The part in the bathtub is okay.

Not sure I got everything. I just skimmed over the chapter this time over.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

HoneyBakedHam
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by HoneyBakedHam » Tue Aug 01, 2017 3:59 pm

So uh...no one commenting on the awkward thing towards the end?

Who would've thought I'd be more comfortable with a lemon scene than two people playing with themselves....

azumeow
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by azumeow » Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:51 pm

I...did not find that terribly awkward, honestly. Shit's hot, yo.
"I don’t want to be here anymore, I know there’s nothing left worth staying for.
Your paradise is something I’ve endured
See I don’t think I can fight this anymore, I’m listening with one foot out the door
And something has to die to be reborn-I don’t want to be here anymore"

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acquireTigris
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by acquireTigris » Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:27 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:
The station wasn’t even surrounded by four solid walls, only railings and columns.
Climbing out of the driver’s seat was the shortest, burliest man I’ve ever seen.
Although the first two were honest mistakes, the last one was deliberately put into past tense because Hisao's recalling what happened after a short timeskip.

Thanks for your good eye, Mirage.
HoneyBakedHam wrote:So uh...no one commenting on the awkward thing towards the end?

Who would've thought I'd be more comfortable with a lemon scene than two people playing with themselves....
azumeow wrote:I...did not find that terribly awkward, honestly. Shit's hot, yo.
Of course it was going to be awkward. Two teenagers doing some exploring was bound to be awkward. But I'm glad someone found it enjoyable. ;)
Dancing: My Miki Pseudo-route

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kayeskay
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by kayeskay » Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:09 am

HoneyBakedHam wrote:So uh...no one commenting on the awkward thing towards the end?

Who would've thought I'd be more comfortable with a lemon scene than two people playing with themselves....
azumeow wrote:I...did not find that terribly awkward, honestly. Shit's hot, yo.
Honestly I'm kind of in the middle of both of you. It's a little awkward, but I'll be lying if I said that it wasn't hot. Honestly for most of the sex scenes in KS I felt the same.

Funny story and a little OT, but I originally wasn't expecting sex scenes in the game, so when I was playing this game in class and Emi's first sex scene happened, I panicked and almost had a heart attack. Thank my lucky stars I was sitting at the back of the classroom and I am highly trained in the art of alt+f4...

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Aug 02, 2017 6:03 pm

Although the first two were honest mistakes, the last one was deliberately put into past tense because Hisao's recalling what happened after a short timeskip.
If it's supposed to be a timeskip it should be set apart from the rest of the story (not only at the beginning but also at the end of the time skip). You certainly cannot skip back to present tense within the same paragraph like you did.

In this case it's not really necessary to make it a time skip at all. The scene works just as well with present tense, and that avoids a lot of confusion.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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acquireTigris
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by acquireTigris » Fri Aug 04, 2017 6:27 am

Mirage_GSM wrote: If it's supposed to be a timeskip it should be set apart from the rest of the story (not only at the beginning but also at the end of the time skip). You certainly cannot skip back to present tense within the same paragraph like you did.

In this case it's not really necessary to make it a time skip at all. The scene works just as well with present tense, and that avoids a lot of confusion.
I guess you're right. I edited the tenses out, including some I've missed along the way.
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HoneyBakedHam
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by HoneyBakedHam » Sat Aug 05, 2017 10:21 am

kayeskay wrote:
HoneyBakedHam wrote:So uh...no one commenting on the awkward thing towards the end?

Who would've thought I'd be more comfortable with a lemon scene than two people playing with themselves....
azumeow wrote:I...did not find that terribly awkward, honestly. Shit's hot, yo.
Honestly I'm kind of in the middle of both of you. It's a little awkward, but I'll be lying if I said that it wasn't hot. Honestly for most of the sex scenes in KS I felt the same.

Funny story and a little OT, but I originally wasn't expecting sex scenes in the game, so when I was playing this game in class and Emi's first sex scene happened, I panicked and almost had a heart attack. Thank my lucky stars I was sitting at the back of the classroom and I am highly trained in the art of alt+f4...
I didn't say it wasn't hot, just awkward feeling.

And that's what you get for doing a visual novel that's in a Japanese style during class. Always expect that stuff, bro.

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Peorth
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by Peorth » Sat Aug 05, 2017 5:15 pm

Yeah mate, you pretty much brought that upon yourself...
Even if the author is silenced, the performance is stopped, the story will not end.

Whether it's a comedy or a tragedy, if there is cheering, the story will continue on.
Just like the many lives.
For the us who are still in it and still in the journey, send warm blessings.

---We will continue to walk down this path until eternity.

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kayeskay
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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by kayeskay » Sun Aug 06, 2017 12:24 am

Yeah, I guess it happened from me having Rin-route-Hisao levels of denseness and also karma for not paying attention in class.

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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by QuietlySomething » Sun Aug 06, 2017 12:37 am

kayeskay wrote:Yeah, I guess it happened from me having Rin-route-Hisao levels of denseness and also karma for not paying attention in class.
Well to be fair, it's not like KS is a super sexual or adult game outside of those specific scenes. If you don't know about them beforehand it's easy to see why they would surprise you; it's not like they're heavily foreshadowed, and tonally they tend to come out of nowhere.

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Re: Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Aug 06, 2017 5:42 am

QuietlySomething wrote:
kayeskay wrote:Yeah, I guess it happened from me having Rin-route-Hisao levels of denseness and also karma for not paying attention in class.
Well to be fair, it's not like KS is a super sexual or adult game outside of those specific scenes. If you don't know about them beforehand it's easy to see why they would surprise you; it's not like they're heavily foreshadowed, and tonally they tend to come out of nowhere.
Well to be fair, you were told about that when you downloaded the VN:
Age Verification wrote:The full version of Katawa Shoujo contains adult material.
Please confirm that you are over 18 years old and that you will not make the material downloaded available to persons below that age.
:lol:

On a different note, if I'd read Visual Novels in class there would have been hell to pay no matter whether there was adult stuff or not...
Last edited by Mirage_GSM on Sat Aug 04, 2018 1:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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