Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

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Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2015 7:22 pm

Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Thu Jan 28, 2016 7:40 am

This is an epilogue following the Hanako good ending. POV is Hisao for the most part, it will cover the school year till the end, then maybe a chapter in university and maybe one more somewhen later, before ending the story years later.

Chapter 1: A kiss to build a dream on
The Kiss
Under Construction
The Dream

Chapter 2: I`m Coming Home
You Are Not Alone

All Summer Long
Ain't No Sunshine

Chapter 1: A Kiss to build a Dream on

The Kiss

It's been a couple of days now since I received the sweetest kiss in history of mankind! Well, maybe it's a bit too hammed up, but it's just how this first gift from the girl I am in love with felt like. Not that the kisses that followed were not as good, but that one kiss will always stay in my memory. After all the words, feelings and thoughts we exchanged that day in the park, this moment stood out in it's clarity. Like when you have a difficult test to pass and you know with 99.999% certainty you did pass, but you need to see it written on the paper for it to become reality.

All those feelings and the thoughts they provoke, I think 'Hanako' but my mind keeps adding adjectives like 'sweet', 'cute', 'lovely' and so on in an avalanche that stops my thought processes dead in the tracks right there. I am a mess, a happy one but nevertheless a mess. Can't stop thinking about her when she is not with me, and once she is with me I am like stuffed in fluffy clouds of happiness, still unable to think of too much else then her.
We are talking now, a lot. It's not like we didn't talk before, but now we seem both to be much more interested to learn about each other, hopefully avoiding such misunderstandings like before the day in the park in the future.

She likes purple, I knew that.
She is ambidextrous, she was right handed but after the fire she couldn't use her right hand properly for some month because of the bandages and learned to use the left, though she prefers to use the right hand now.
She is allergic to dogs and horses and some other animals, but luckily not to cats … she loves cats but never had one.
She is a really fast reader, no surprise, but she is also a very swift writer.

She is actually not afraid of fire … that really surprised me. She does hate the smell of smoke though.
She does not like to see other people pity her, she can't stand it! But she feels pity for others nonetheless.

Like for me it seems. Apparently I was looking very 'distant, sad and sometimes outright unhappy' and 'never once smiled' the first few weeks at Yamaku. I knew that I wasn't looking really happy, or at least so I was told at some point, but that I just did not smile?

“N-No, I don't think I've s-seen you smile at all the first few weeks. M-maybe a faint little grin s-sometimes … o-or a bit of a forced, pretended smile.”

Have I really been not smiling at all? I can remember being happy … sometimes. I thought I'd smiled then.

“B-But it h-has gotten better, you smile sometimes now, but it's also often gone as f-fast as it was there … like it's s-shy and doesn't want to show i-itself.”

Now she is teasing me... with success, my face brightens after the last remark.

“T-There! Oh … it's gone again, but i-it was there, one of the flashing smiles.”
She lowers her view, no longer looking directly at me but at the library table between us we are sitting at, facing each other with open books and writing materials scattered around, which all have been untouched ever since we started talking shortly after sitting down. This just happens all the time, we come here, prepare everything to learn and work together, write a few lines maybe and then we start talking when not too many people are around, and we seem to forget the time.

Still with her face lowered: “I-I really like y-your smile, i-it makes me happy when I see it, even the s-small ones that are g-gone in the blink of an eye.” rising her eyes shyly up to meet mine as she says this.
I am pretty sure I am smiling now, I can feel it in my cheeks … and I am blushing slightly.

If we weren't in the library and were alone I would give her a kiss now. But we are not alone and although Hanako is getting less stressed by showing this kind of affection since that day in the park, or being noticed at all when we are together, we have decided to go slow on this. There is no need to put us, especially Hanako, into uncomfortable situations. Not like we could keep it a real secret anyway, Misha is giving us a hard time often enough in school when she points out publicly how cute she thinks we look together, and I am pretty sure that there is barely anyone who has not heard about us being together … maybe Kenji, last time I saw him I didn't dare to interrupt his rant against the feminist overlords, not sure how he would react to this kind of news anyway.

There is one person who will learn about us today though, which reminds me to check my watch … time flies when I am with Hanako and I can't even remember how long we are sitting here already just looking into each others eyes after that last sentence.

“It's getting late Hanako, we maybe should go to our rooms and get ready, I don't want to be late at the airport.”

Lilly and Akira are coming back from Scotland today.

“Ah, I-I totally forgot the time. D-do you think we should tell Lilly right away when we see her, o-or maybe meet for tea later a-after we are back and tell her then?” Hanako asks.

We didn't tell Lilly yet. Not that we wouldn't like to tell our mutual best friend, but this is very personal and Hanako thought it would be too impersonal on the phone. Besides that, we are not sure how Lilly will feel after this news. Oh, she will be happy for us, no doubt, but she was the most important person to Hanako for quite some time, and though I only know her for some month now she is my single best friend too. We just don't want to make her feel locked-out or so … she leaves just for two weeks and two of her best friends who depended heavily on her come together as a couple, not needing her as much any more.
We just don't want to hurt her.

“I guess at tea would be nice and relaxed, it's much easier to talk about such personal things in this kind of setting.”

“Yeah, O-OK then at tea. I-” she pauses for a moment.
“I hope I can hold m-myself back not to tell her, I-I can't wait to give her the news!”

We pack up and head to the dorms, it is late afternoon so there are not really many people around, and we hold hands.

Holding hands with my girlfriend while walking at a moderate pace to our rooms … this might be just too much cliché but I don't think I could be any happier.
We reach the dorms and a quick look around reveals that there is no one around at the moment.
Hanako has noticed too, so she steps in front of me, turning around to face me. And after a quick look left and right, just to make sure no one is watching, she pulls me close and into a kiss.
Not just that kind of random quick kiss we are used to now even when only few people are around, this kind of kiss we find us in now is more, passionate, without hesitation or doubt, and … full of desire, that's what it is!
I can't tell if it's been seconds or minutes, but we hear a door open to one of the buildings and force ourselves apart, just to look a bit shy around for a few moments.

“I'll meet you at the main gate then in … let's say, one hour? We should be early enough for the bus then.”

“O-OK” she replies, giving me a very quick kiss and heading off to her room.

I just stand there for a few moments after watching her disappear into the building … I need to focus! I need a snack, and I need a shower. Actually the shower will get top priority.

Under Construction

It's a longer shower then I planned it to be, I tried to relax and clear my mind, that always worked in the past. The soothing shower white noise, the feeling of the water drops on my head and skin, the relaxing warmth. When I step out of the shower I wipe across the mirror to look at my reflection. I remember what Hanako said in the library, and unfortunately I have to agree, that guy staring back from the mirror doesn't seem too happy.
I grimace around for a minute or so, try to see how my face changes, how much effort it needs to look like a smile … it's ridiculous, all I manage to get is a fake looking smile.
OK OK, slow now, focus. I am happy dammit and I look like … well, I don't even know how to call that.
I close my eyes, I try to clear my head, I rub my face with my hands as if this was gonna help relax my facial muscles. A neutral face, all I want to see is how an as neutral as possible expression I can make would look like. My mind is clear, I shake my head to get the last tension out of my face, take a deep breath and open my eyes.

“.... Oh.”
I needed to make it audible, as if just thinking it wasn't enough. THAT is a neutral expression? I look like someone just told me my pet hamster died.
Dammit, I am happy, right? I feel it, but that face doesn't match this the slightest bit, even trying to look neutral looked like really sad. And Hanako said it was like that all the time? I must have been a real downer at times.
How could I miss that? Why didn't I notice?

Closing my eyes again, I think of something nice. Easy task, Hanako is on my mind constantly anyway, so I'll just think about spending time with her, how it feels to be close to her, holding her hand. I can feel the muscles in my face, it feels like I am smiling, not the broadest smile, just a normal smiling face. I open my eyes.

I can't believe how that looks like, not deeply sad, but for sure not happy either, not even close to happy. But I feel the muscles in my face working, and I am very sure that I used to really smile with just that much of an effort before … before ...

“Oh … ooh.”
So while it feels to me like its a smile from before the incident last winter, it has to work against the force my subconscious facial expressions making me look sad?
Is it like a maths equation? When I was not unhappy with my life and put up the same effort to smile it was simply a smile, but now I have a minus-sign in front of the sum of my feelings and the effort to smile is not enough to get far enough out of the minus to not look sad?
And I thought I was getting better already, focussing bit more on my future, finding out what I want to do, having a positive attitude … it sure felt like having a positive effect.

Dammit, I don't have time for this now, I don't want to have to rush to the main gate to meet with Hanako as promised.
I just need more time overall, ill be fine! I am in love, how much better can it get?
At least this brings some confidence back and I hurry to get ready to meet Hanako at the gate.

We are waiting for Lilly and Akira a bit away from the crowded entrance to the airport, watching planes landing, guessing if it could be the right one or not. A while after the plane that we thought was the right one landed we see the two blonde girls coming out of the airport, and signal Akira happily waving to come over to us. After a short, but especially between Lilly and Hanako very heartfelt, welcome Akira heads off. Lilly seems very tired but agrees to have a quick tea after Hanako helped her unpack. The Taxi ride back to Yamaku we spend mostly with small talk about school and how Scotland was.

Not long before curfew I make my way to Lilly's room, thankfully unnoticed. A well known picture welcomes me, although this time seat order seems to have changed, with Lilly sitting next to her bed, leaning tiredly on it. Once Hanako has served the tea for all three of us it gets silent. Lilly seems to sense that at least one of us has something on our mind.
“So, Hanako, Hisao, it seemed very important to you that we have a tea today, although I am really tired from the long flight. So please, speak your minds.”

“W-We are just happy to have you f-finally back, Lilly. Two weeks is a long time.” is the only thing Hanako says, tiptoeing around the real reason for this little come together.

Trying to take initiative I jump in for Hanako, “Lilly, Hanako and I spent a lot time together in the two weeks, and we missed you a lot. But there is something...” Hesitation, the last thing I need now.

“W-We are together n-now. A-After my birthday … “ Hanako also has to fight on against the hesitation, so I continue for her, “ … We don't know how or when exactly it happened, but it seems we fell in love.”

Lilly's tired smile brightens up noticeably, “My my, what a surprise! But congratulations you two, I am sure you make an adorable couple!”
I can see how relieved Hanako is, and I am happy about this response too. Not sure what we were expecting, I guess there was just some tension because we decided to keep it hidden from Lilly until she was back.
After drinking some Tea in silence Lilly starts shaking her head slightly and a soft giggle escapes her, “I knew the two of you would be more then just getting along probably, but I am delightedly surprised to see it went to swift.”
I don't get it, and apparently Hanako thinks the same, “W-What do you mean, you .. knew?”

Lilly takes a deep breath before she starts to explain, “When I recognized how thoughtful, polite and sensitive Hisao is and that you after a while seemed to really like him too, I thought that he would probably become a good friend to you Hanako. But when you told me after a while how much you actually like to have him around, I knew this could become more, I was actually hoping for it.”

“D-Don't ...” is the only thing Hanako can say, looking rather scared, before being interrupted by Lilly.
“Please don't worry Hanako, I will not go into more detail. I think I said enough.”

I am curious, but by the still scared look on Hanako's face I think this might be not the best time to ask about this.

“And you Hisao,” Lilly continues, “I think I actually misjudged you at first. Your politeness, thoughtfulness and sensitivity, I feared you might just pity Hanako. But over time I recognized how you showed sincere concern and empathy, you really liked her early on. And … no, I have said enough again, this is something I will leave up to you.”

Not really sure what she means, but I guess it could be about Hanako's birthday, or the phone call.
I guess there is still a lot Hanako and me have to talk about, but I don't think we need to hurry this.

“Seeing you two happy makes also me happy, so please don't worry too much.”

Silence, and it's not the comfortable version.

Trying to break the silence I say confidently with a smile, “You are probably right Lilly. I think we maybe worry too much, it's mostly because this is still new to us, but I can assure you, I am happy!”

“Yeah, m-me too.” says Hanako, brightening up slightly.

Changing topic seems the best option right now, “So, how was Scotland?”
Lilly tells us a bit about her stay with her family, about the big house, the beach, it really sounds like she had a good time. But she gets too tired soon and we decide to say good night.
I accompany Hanako to her room, where we, after some kisses, part our ways for the day.

The next days, though having some free days from school, we don't see Lilly as much as we had hoped. She said she had to do a lot of catching up with her duties as class representative, but she seems to give Hanako and me a lot of room and time for just the two of us. But besides this, something seems changed with Lilly. I can not tell what it is, but I have other things on my mind anyway. Though Hanako and myself get more and more familiar, we still take our time, we don't rush anything. And as happy as I am, something is still bothering me … if I just knew what it was.

Exams are about to start and Hanako and myself need to prepare. If we weren't getting used to each other more and more we would still just in the library and look at each other, talking … but we actually manage to learn and work now, every day a few hours.

When Hanako always left the class early or missed classes I thought she might have some deficits, but she actually doesn't! In fact, I am only really better in the sciences. Hanako is better in History and far better in Japanese and English, probably because she reads so much.
So we end up trying to help each other, and it seems it works at least for Hanako, she improves in sciences a bit. I on the other hand … lets say, even getting lessons from my girlfriend don't really help me learning to like English.

“Bwahahahaha – Hello Hicchan!” - the silence of the library is rudely interrupted.

“Misha, please, this is a library!” I say while gesturing her to lower her volume … as if that ever would work with her.

“Uhm, I know Hicchan, no need to be so rude! Of course I know this is the library!”

I let all hopes go to get Misha to tune down the volume, I just want to make sure she leaves as fast as possible, when I notice how Hanako has taken up a book that was lying in front of her before, trying to hide behind it. Misha, still on her way to walk up to our table has the full attention of pretty much everyone in the library, so I stand up and walk a few steps towards her so all the attention does not get focussed on our table with Hanako on it once Misha would arrive … the least I can do to make this situation less painful for Hanako.
“OK Misha, what do you want?”

“Shicchan said you are not doing enough! You are still not in a club and didn't join the council either. We are disappointed!”

“Ah well, I had some catching up to do … I wasn't that far behind after month in the hospital but I still needed to work up some stuff. And now I am busy learning for exams.”

“Excuses, excuses. But we are willing to cut you a deal ...”

“I am still not willing to join the council!”

“Bwahahaha. No, that's not it. Come to the council room please so Shicchan can discuss this with you in person.”

“Why didn't she come with you here in the first place?”

“Shicchan is busy doing the things we want you to help us with! Can I tell her that you are coming?”

Damn, I think I have to admit defeat, “ … yeah, yeah, I will come, just in a minute.”

“OK!” Misha shouts out as loud as always, making a swift 180° turn on the spot and leaving the library.

I stand there for a moment, my hand covering my eyes, rubbing my temples … actually just waiting to make sure people stop staring before I go back to Hanako.

“Are you OK?” I ask Hanako, trying to read her stress level just from her eyes, the only part of her face she is not trying to hide behind a book, “Sorry that I couldn't get rid of Misha faster … Shizune wants something, not sure what, but I fear she wants to recruit me for the council again.”

“I-It's OK, maybe if it's not too m-much time … it could be OK.”

“If it helps keeping Shizune and Misha of my back it even might be worth it. I'll be back as soon as I can.”

Once I reach the council's room I see Shizune with a whole lot of paperwork on her desk. Not sure though if some of it has been placed there for dramatic effect, but if so, Shizune does make a good effort in looking busy working through the papers.

“Finally, how dare you to let two cute council members wait for you so long!”

Hah, I got the right response, “Uh, where are you hiding the two cute council members you are speaking of?”

Misha frowns for a moment, before bursting into laughter, “Bwahahahaha, I see, only eyes for your beloved Hanako! … Anyway, we really need your help Hicchan!”

“I don't want to join the council!”

“OK, we got this. But we still need help, and seeing how you are not really contributing to any club we think we can make you an offer you can't refuse!”
After a dramatic pause Misha comes finally to the point, “Help us every week on a regular basis for 2 or 3 hours, and we will never again try to pressure you!”

Hm, could be worse I guess.
“When should that be? I would like to do this in one fixed session if you two don't mind, so I can plan around it.”

Misha and Shizune exchange some hand signs silently before Misha answers, “OK, but Monday to Thursday are not so good, we need to supervise you and we are not sure if we can plan around everything then.”
Then something strange happens: Misha stops signing but keeps talking, “And Sunday is a no go too!”

“Why that?”

Still not signing for Shizune Misha answers, “Because if you come, I will have to come too, and I like to have a free Sunday every now and then!”

“OK then, how about Saturday just after school?”
This would be the most convenient time for me, as Hanako has her appointments with the therapist, not on each, but always on Saturdays. And after my duties for the council I would be still early enough to spend some time with Hanako after she is back from her therapist.

Misha and Shizune gesture back and forth for a minute, then Shizune stands up from her desk and comes over to me, reaching her hand towards me.
“OK, deal, but we will say it's for 3 hours, it might be less sometimes but you will have to be ready to stay for 3 when necessary!” says Misha.

To seal the deal, I gesture like I am spitting in my hand, though I don't of course … but it shows the desired effect! I think it's the first time I see Shizune completely unprepared, she really looks shocked and disgusted while she quickly pulls her hand back.
Misha's reaction is similar, “Eww! Hicchan! That's not nice!”

I laugh. A little practical prank, damn, I needed this! It's the funniest thing that happened for quite some time. I show my hand to them to prove that I actually didn't spit in it, and I want to say it … but I am laughing too much.
“... of course I didn't … but it's nice to see that you have so fast reflexes Shizune!”

Misha seems to kinda like that kind of joke, after getting over the first shock, “Bwahahahahahaha. You got us there I guess!”

Shizune frowns for a moment longer before brightening up a bit, starting to signal to Misha.
“Shicchan says you won, this time!”

Not really sure what Shizune might have meant with that, but totally worth it anyway. Even if I will have to be careful the next time for a comeback, at least the times of being asked every second day if I still don't want to join the council are over. Though lately I thought it was just to tease me anyway.

Exams take their time, Hanako and I learn together, sometimes we go out with Lilly and on Saturdays I help with council paperwork for three hours, and full three hours every time … Shizune and Misha weren't kidding, they have a lot to do!
Not like it wouldn't be possible to have my thoughts wandering off, but all this keeps me busy enough.

But eventually the exams are over, its only a bit more then a week until summer holidays start. Hanako and I plan to stay at Yamaku for the first few days, before visiting my parents together … something I am really looking forward to, but also am nervous about.
We asked Lilly what she planned for the holiday, but she avoids to give a clear answer, switching the topic every time. Hanako seems very concerned about this, and I can't say I am not, but I don't want to give Lilly any pressure as she appears very busy lately.

This Saturday afternoon I get a phone call, Lilly is asking me to meet her in the Shanghai. Council paperwork has been finished and Hanako has her appointment with her therapist and won't be back at least another hour, so I have nothing else to do.

The news Lilly has for me are explaining a lot.

At first it's really hard to stay calm, too hard actually, I think I phrased some sentences a bit too harsh to be honest. But soon I calm down a bit again, try to argue, and to understand.
“But you don't know anyone in Scotland besides your family, do you? And what about your plans after school? I can't imagine that would work out there so well.”

“Hisao, I understand your concerns, but I had a lot time for consideration. I do not say that I will never return to Japan. But I do only have this one family, and although you are right and I have not met them for a very long time, they are still my family, and I fear I will regret it if I do not spend at least some time with them, as long as this is still possible. The severe health issues of my aunt reminded me that I will not have unlimited time with them.”

“Yeah, I get it, sorry for freaking out that much earlier. Just, please understand that I am very worried about what that could mean for Hanako. I get it, you tried to help us to become friends so she has someone else to rely on, and even if you made that remark about us getting together as a pair, I don't quite buy it.”

“Besides complementing each other, Hanako and you are very similar in many things Hisao, you might not see this, but I recognized this already very soon after meeting you the first time. It just seemed a very likely outcome that you could come together as a couple.”

“What do you even mean Lilly? How are we similar? We share some interests, but I think we are very different overall.”

“This is something you will need to find out on your own I am afraid. However, I am sure Hanako will rely on you to get through this time, and I know you both will manage this. Hanako is stronger than you still might believe, please have some faith and trust her!”

I am not sure how she means that, if its true at all, or if she is just saying that to calm her conscience. But there is use in keeping up the argument, Lilly made her point very clear, and as much as I know the time for Lilly and Hanako to part ways would have come at some point anyway, this just seems so much earlier then I guess Hanako could expect it.

Lilly tells Hanako about her leaving in a private talk between them both. It hurts me not to be able to be there right away for Hanako, but I had to promise to Lilly to let her do this alone, and it hurts even more to see how absent Hanako is after this talk.
For three days she barely talks, I want to comfort her, but she just blends everything out.
On the fourth day she brightens up slightly again. The really hard time will come in 3 days, Saturday, when Lilly is finally leaving. I am very troubled, I want to help Hanako, but I still just don't know how. And she still didn't recover fully from the news of Lilly leaving.

I feel left out, like I lost my girlfriend … no, like my girlfriend was taken away from me.
I don't sleep very well the last few days …
Last edited by Satchel on Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:42 am, edited 2 times in total.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2015 7:22 pm

Re: Hanako's Love Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Thu Jan 28, 2016 7:43 am

... ...

I feel left out, like I lost my girlfriend … no, like my girlfriend was taken away from me.
I don't sleep very well the last few days …

The Dream

I am in an arcade, I know this place, I remember its sounds and even its smell. I have spent a lot time here with my friends. There they are, waiting for me to join them, playing games all evening … how I missed that.
Hah, I have the ball! I see an opening in their defence, I think I can make it, score a goal … I run, I am not the best player, but I get through, I shoot, I … miss … but it was fun!
It's cold. I know that place, it is where lovers meet, right here under this tree. It's much nicer in summer, but the snowfall gives this a special romantic tone … I hear someone walking up behind me … Iwanako!
Oh, this pain, make it stop! I … can't take any more!!
I know this room, this ceiling, it's my room in the hospital. Everyone of my friends is here, standing around my bed … but they are fading away, one after another, until only Iwanako is left … and then she disappears too!

I am in the arcade, I know this place, I remember its sounds and even its smell. I have spent a lot time here with my friends. I get the feeling of deja vu … There they are, waiting for me to join them, playing games all evening … but those are not the friends I remember. I see Misha, Shizune, Kenji … what are they doing here?
Hah, I have the ball! I see an opening in their defence, I think I can make it, score a goal … I run, everything hurts, but I get through, but I feel dizzy, my vision blurs, I shoot, I … fall frontally over, everything hurts, it gets worse and worse, I can't move!
It's cold. I know that place, it is where lovers meet, right here under this tree. It's much nicer in summer, but the snowfall gives this a special romantic tone … I hear someone walking up behind me … Hanako!
Oh, this pain, make it stop! I … can't take any more!! AAAAAHHHRG!

I wake up, completely out of breath, sweating, and in pain!


Oh no … no, just no!


Nononononono … please, no!


I try to reach for my phone, and manage to send every single pill bottle flying off my night stand … but I get my phone.


speed dial #1: nurse office … luckily I know it is not vacant, even at 4 am, the advantages of Yamaku … knowing this is helping me not to panic even more.
C'mon, someone pick up! The pain is bad, but not as bad as it once was …


This can't be happening
“Nurses office, you need help Mr. Nakai?”
Ah, right, they got my number, they can see who is calling.
“The … pain, … out of … breath … can't … “

“You are in your room Mr. Nakai?”

“... yeah... “

“We will be there in a minute, try to lie down and steady your breath, and please do not panic!”

I try not to, but I am in panic … though the pain is nearly gone already I just can't control my breath.

The night-nurses are coming a minute later, they check my pulse and blood pressure, they seem not too happy, but at least the pain is now not much more then an unpleasant memory … better said, I am not even sure if it was really there, it felt different than at any other instance.
“Mr. Nakai, we will bring you to the nurses office now and check if it is necessary to get you to the hospital. If anything gets worse, your ability to breathe, more pain, anything, let us please know immediately!”

They bring me to the nurses office on a stretcher, ask me questions, listen for my heart sounds, connect me to the ECG … how I hate the sound of this machine. Back in the hospital I didn't even hear it anymore, but now it seems to drive a nail in my skull with every beep.
By what I hear and understand they seem to be not so sure if it was really a heart attack, and to be honest, I am not sure either. Something was different.
After an injection of what I guess was a mild sedative as I am barely staying awake, I see the head nurse coming in before falling asleep, they must have rung him up … in the middle of the night. I feel bad for causing such a issue …

The nurses office is bright from the sunlight … the sun seems to be standing high already. How long have I slept? The nurse sees me moving and comes over.

“Nakai, good to see you woke up finally. You know you don't need to scare us so much if you want some attention, you are always welcome in my office, but preferably when I have my shift …”
His grin looks a bit forced, but I see his effort to play this down as a sure sign that it was most likely not as bad as it felt. Otherwise I would not wake up here but in hospital.

“W...” dry mouth “What happened?”

“You tell me, you called the night shift guys up, you seemed to have some respiratory problems, your blood pressure was not very good and your pulse was a bit fast. Do you remember anything before you called?”

“I … I had a … dream, and I had the heart attack in this dream. Actually twice.”

“Hm, I see. … Your heart sounded normal under the given circumstances, ECG didn't show any suspicious activity, and I've been told the pain was gone really fast too, is that right?”

“Yeah, kind of. I can't really remember for sure, I felt some pain but it was different, and the feeling was quick gone.”

He responds in a very thoughtful tone, “Hm … hm. OK, I am not an expert on this, but it sounds like a stress induced reaction, a nightmare causing a panic attack I'd say. To be sure I will send the ECG data and a report to your doctor, but don't think it was a heart attack. Having any heavy stress issues on a daily basis lately? Trouble in school? Anything else?”

“No … I mean, not in school. Some, well, personal issues, difficult times in friendship if you can say so.”

He just nods.
The nurse goes through a catalogue of questions, most of them sound awfully familiar.
Suddenly I remember, I was asked them when I was in hospital too. That was just before I was sent to see a therapist for some sessions. They said it was to prevent development of a depression.

Depression, I guess there is no better reason for such thing then to find out that your life as you knew it ended, and that you could die any time … SNAP out of thin air, if you are unlucky.

Am I having a depression? Is it this what kept me from being happy so long, even after falling in love?

Back from his desk, after making a call, “OK Nakai, I spoke with your doctor, we are going to change your medication a bit. You showed some depressive tendencies earlier already and some of the meds you are taking can cause or amplify such tendencies. This will take some days for you to get used to, so no hard workouts, take it slow the next days.”
I try to return his smile .. but I feel it's not really working, I thank him and want to close the curtain to start dressing with my clothes that I found on my bed, someone must have brought while I slept.

“Ah, Nakai, one more thing, just in case you have anything serious you need to talk about, that's what we are here for too, we also can get you an appointment with the therapist if you want that. I am just saying this because even with the changed medication, if there is something getting you down, you should try to work on it, resolve it, but that's not always possible without help. Depression can be a severe issue for someone with your condition.”
“Oh, and for today, you are free from school, I already spoke to your teacher.”

I nod, “Thank you, and I will think about it.”

Recognizing that he can't do much more for me at the moment, he goes back to his desk and I get dressed.

On the way back to the dorms I take my time … my thoughts are racing.
Depression. Really? How come I didn't notice … never thought it could be that subtle. But from what? Was it what I dreamt about? Didn't I get over loosing everything already a while ago? I thought so …

Then it strikes me like lightning, how could I be so STUPID!

It's not what I have lost at the first time in winter, it's the fear of loosing what I have NOW, just as I lost everything last time.

I lie in my bed, waiting for time to pass, my thoughts racing, drifting to Hanako, Iwanako, my old friends, my new friends.
It feels horrible how slow time advances, but I wait until school is out to call Hanako. I tell her about the issue I had in the night, I don't mention panic attack or depression though. She visited me in the nurse office while I was sleeping, she was very worried and wants to meet me as soon as possible. I am damn nervous, I have still no clue how to talk about all this … but I need to resolve this, not just for me, but so I can be there for her too.

I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her!

We are sitting down close by each other on her bed, staring into the middle of the room for a minute as no one starts to speak. I can feel her warmth on my side, but it doesn't calm me. I just can't find the right words, damn, I am not even sure what exactly I want to say!
But she just sits there and waits, patiently and calm.
I just can't find the words how to start, it's like I know, feel what I want to say, but my mind cannot shape it in a sentence. This makes me both angry and sad at the same time. I am looking around, feeling how everything inside me starts to boil up, not only anger and sadness but more and more desperation, a feeling that could tear my inside apart. Sitting next to the girl I am in love with, wanting nothing more than to be with her, share my feelings with her, make sure she understands me, understands that I love her more then my life! That she IS my life!

“I … I ...” I must look like a fool, trying to start a sentence, but nothing comes out. I am getting nervous.
I rise my head a bit and recognize from the corner of my eye that Hanako is looking at me now, so I turn my head and my eyes fixate on hers.
We just sit there and stare into each others eyes for a moment, but this is just getting too much … I stand up, take a few steps away from the bed into the middle of the room, I feel like I am dying. And I know that feeling. It is like that one day in winter, just not in a painful way as it is not coming from my heart trying to force its way out of my ribcage.

I just stand there, facing away from the bed, the head lowered. If I could just concentrate on ONE thought, so many things racing through my mind simultaneously.
“I … don't even know how to start” is all I manage to say. What a lousy way to start, saying that I don't know how to start, but at least it is breaking the silence.
“I love you Hanako, more than anything else.” I close my eyes, take a deep breath, trying to focus.

“I made mistakes, even before I really had you I nearly lost you already. But when we really found each other I was happier than I have ever been! But … ”
Not good, I can feel tears dwelling up. Man up Hisao!
It doesn't work, I can feel a single tear rolling down my cheek.
“... I am anxious … unbelievably scared!”
More tears.

“I … I lost everything that was important to me, my whole life, once already. And back then I wasn't even really in love!”
More and more tears are running down my cheeks, it gets harder every second to hold back.
“I love you Hanako, and I don't want to lose you. But … “
My voice starts shaking. I am nearly choking on the following words.
“… I could just die any moment! I don't even really fear death itself, but the thought to lose you terrifies me, it tears my heart apart!”
No more holding back, I can't. I am just crying.

Suddenly I can feel a hand on my shoulder, I didn't even hear Hanako standing up and stepping closer. Gently but certain she makes me turn around, now resting both hands on my shoulders.
I try to regain some composure, but I can't, with still closed eyes I am just crying, head facing down.

She hugs me.
No, it's not just a hug.
She embraces me!
Gentle and firm at the same time, just standing there, holding me.

Since I realized I had fallen in love with her, this was boiling up in me, anxiousness, fear of loss, but it came slow, unnoticed, underestimated. Just now it reached critical mass, I was about to implode, loosing myself, loosing her …
And now we are standing here, I don't even know for how long, me just uncontrolled crying, and her just embracing me, holding me together, preventing me from breaking apart.

It's ridiculous when I remember how stupid I was at first when I thought she needs someone to be strong for her and protect her, but all she ever needed was someone to support her. I didn't even realize what the difference would be … but it's so simple, and Lilly was right.

Hanako is strong! Yes, she avoids some situations, leaves class early sometimes, avoids big masses. But she comes back every day, knowing that she will have to face the things she fears over and over again. She is driving herself to confront her fears, like when we met in the city, and sometimes she tries too much, like the other day in class with Misha and Shizune. Yet, she comes back.
If she was weak she would avoid all of this, she would find a way to do so. And then she maybe would need someone to be strong for her.
But she doesn't, she is strong! And a strong personality only needs some support sometimes.

And right now she is helping me, sharing her strength with me! Because I became weak confronted with fears I didn't know how to overcome, didn't even realize at first at all.

Still in this embracement she steps slowly backwards to the bed, taking me with her, sitting us down, never once even loosening the embracement.
We just sit there, I cry, she holds me, with one hand reassuringly caressing the back of my head.
Not a single word is being said in what feels like an eternity.

As I slowly regain control over myself, she starts to speak, with a calming, low voice that I never heard before, “I love you, and I will always be there for you, as much as I know that you love me and will a-always be there for me.” This last little stutter reassuring me that it is in fact really Hanako speaking.
After a pause she adds, “It doesn't matter how much time we will have. I-I am happy, here and now, that we found us and can be together, and this is all that counts.”

The warmth of these words rising up inside of me is of a new, unknown quality. This is how salvation must feel like … or is this the difference between 'being in love' and to 'truly love' someone?
If someone asked me earlier, I would have said I am in love with Hanako. But now, I know it's more. I do love her!

She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my live with, no matter how long that may be!

After what feels like an hour, but pretty sure actually was much shorter, I regained my composure, and we slowly release from the embrace. For the first time since I stood there in the middle of the room and closed my eyes I open them to look Hanako in the face. I see her eyes being irritated, I guess she shed some tears too, though I never noticed. I quickly pull two paper tissues from my pocket, offer one to Hanako, which she accepts with a small smile, and we both clean up our faces.
After we have done so we get a bit closer again. We hold hands, and after a short kiss we let our foreheads just rest against each others, eyes closed, just being together.

[18+ content ahead]

When I notice her moving a bit I open my eyes and we start kissing, short kisses at first but they become longer, deeper. Our hands stop just holding each others, but start moving, caressing each others body.
This is getting intense. I am pretty soon getting aroused, and I am pretty sure Hanako is too. Once this thought strikes us both we part our lips and look at each other for a few seconds.
I can see the desire in her eyes, and by her looks she can see mine too.

We start undressing each other, kissing, undressing, more kissing, standing up together, continuing to undress. Soon we stand in the middle of the room, naked to the underwear, and while I fumble around to open her bra a thought strikes me. As she is removing the opened bra I release mine from her lips and tell her: “I am not prepared … I got no protection with me!”
She smiles, gives me a kiss and whispers into my ear, “I-I started to take the pill a while ago.”
There is no holding back anymore, as fast as I am out of my boxers she has gotten rid of her tights and panties.
We move around a bit, kissing, as we move closer to the bed again, if we weren't naked it could be mistaken for a dance.

We sit down together, and soon lie next to each other. I lost control of my hands long ago, they just do what seems best in our both interest, gently touching, stroking all the very nice features of her body, while I keep kissing her lips, her neck, and as I move a bit further down her breasts too. My hand finds it's way down between her legs, slow, careful, but determined moving towards her womanhood, moving back and forth on the outside first, applying some pressure, teasing her … before slowly entering with one finger at first, letting the second one follow shortly after.
The moisture is the clearest sign of how far advanced her excitement already is, and as my fingers play with her womanhood, changing pressure and pace randomly, she stops kissing me, as it seems out of pure need. Her eyes closed, inhaling and exhaling irregularly, sometimes sharp, moaning mildly, all this is driving my excitement to the bearable maximum.

I want her, I need her, NOW!

As I am moving around to get ready to enter her, she stops me, just gently putting her hand on my chest above my heart, her eyes fixated on the scar, after a moment she says, barely audible, “Let me … “ looking into my eyes waiting for my response.
I just nod, I don't know what she wants, but whatever it is, I hope it can take away the concern that I saw in her eyes for a moment. Before I know what else I could say or ask, she gets us moved around and is suddenly kneeling above me. Bowed over to the front she kisses me, moves down a bit, kisses my chest, my scar … a strange sensation, but not wrong or anything.
My manhood pulsing from excitement against her stomach does not get unnoticed, and as she touches it I cant help but take a deep breath from that sensation, which seems to amuse her a bit.

She moves back up again, making ready to … whoa, that was much faster than I expected. The feeling of her lowering on myself, taking me into her, it's just impossible to describe. This is just my second time doing this, and last time I had the more active part … this feels different, but not worse by any means.
She starts moving, slowly at first, but picking up some pace soon, getting faster over time, just to slow down again and even stop for a moment, and then repeat. I couldn't have thought of this to be any better than it turns out to be, the feeling of being driven to the edge quite fast, just to slow down again and making it last longer, making me able to keep this up longer … it is exhausting, but in a good way, and no sign of my heart trying to stop doing it's job properly.

She leans over me and face to face we try to keep kissing, but the heavy breathing is making this more and more difficult.
As she is getting closer to climax, her movement gets more irregular, she slows down less, keeping the pace up, driving me to the edge of climax soon too. And as she starts to spasm from her climax, she pushes herself down repeatedly so fast and hard on me that it feels nearly forcefully, driving me over the edge into my own climax in an instant. This feeling of her on top of me embracing me fully while we climax together is beyond description.

Huffing and puffing, resting still in the same pose as we climaxed, even still combined, we remain. Seconds pass and become minutes, before we can breathe somewhat normally again. We kiss, a long and deep kiss … and then we rest some more. It can't be more then a few minutes actually since we climaxed, but I feel a strange sensation rising up. We are still connected, she rested on me and we never parted …

She must be feeling the same, as I notice her to start moving slightly, sending waves of joys along my spine. She doesn't really … or does she?
After what we just did she is full of a mixture of our combined juices … a bit gross to think about, but the sensation of it is much less gross, not at all actually.
The little movements she started show effect on what was left of my arousal, and something I did not expect must be going through both our minds, as I can read in her eyes when she looks at me with a mixed, both shy and cheeky smile I have never seen on her before.
All I can do is nod, I couldn't say no to what is following even if I wanted. And I don't want to.

The movement starts again, and this very slippery feeling changes the sensation, not to the worse to be honest. Something else seems different, Hanako is moaning much faster already than I expected. Her level of arousal must be still much higher, and before I can even bring that thought to an end, she spasms slightly, giving away a tiny yelp … did she just … and she keeps going, her movement, irregular, faster, slower again, unsteady breath, silent moaning, stopping for a moment to repeat the whole process. If anyone told me before, I would have been sceptical … are these multiple orgasms?

But I can't keep that thought process up for long, no wonder, can't be much blood left to power my brain as my own state of excitement is reaching a new, yet unheard of peak, nearly getting painful as hard as my manhood is getting.
It is not long until we reach a climax together, a untamed and wild one that can not have gone unnoticed outside of the room we are in.
But we don't care.

[end of 18+ content]

After we cleaned ourselves we just lie there, I on my back, Hanako next to me, snuggled to my side, her hand on my chest.
This was very tiring, but I feel as good as I have never felt before. This night we will spend together in this bed, build for one person, but we wouldn't want it any bigger. We don't need to say a word, we exchange glances, smiles, giggles, small kisses.

As I get more and more tired my mind wanders off. I suddenly remember something my grandfather once said … long time ago before he and my grandmother died, back then I think I didn't really understand, I guess I was too young. He told me how important it is to let the people you love know that you love them. It is what he must have told my father too, as my parents tell each other very often that they love each other. But I remember my grandfather had a special sentence he said to my grandmother. I found it very cheesy back then, and even today … it seems like the pinnacle of cheesy romantic quotes, but I can't stop thinking about it, and the more often I repeat it in my head, the more I like it.
Thanks for the inspiration, ojii-san.

With my eyes only partially opened due to the tiredness grasping me, I turn my head to Hanako.
“Did I tell you today already that I love you?” I ask her.
She smiles and gives me a quick kiss. The perfect answer.
I close my eyes, and just before I fall asleep I think to myself: I will sleep well tonight, I will dream of Hanako, I will dream of us.

Theme song of this chapter:
Jill Barber - A Kiss To Build A Dream On
Last edited by Satchel on Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:15 am, edited 3 times in total.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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Re: Hanako's Love Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:55 pm

So this time i wrote it down, the version i would like to see.
This. This is the place where I began to suspect that this wouldn't be much good. Stories written just to fulfill the writer's rosy fantasies seldom are...
I read the tips for fanfic writers, and i am sure someone will want to correct me on punctuation and quotes and so on. In my language we use the punctuation like i use it now, pretty much the same as in british english which i learned in school.
I also use British English mostly. It's not something to be ashamed of as long as you stay consistent. As far as I know there are hardly any differences in punctuation between the two Englishs, though...
That said there are some punctuation issues in there, but I don't usually point those out unless I'm asked to edit a text.
She lowers her face, no longer watching directly at me...
You can't watch AT something.
just watching looking into each others eyes
Neither can you watch INTO something.
I-i totally forgot the time.
"I" is capitalized even if you stutter.
I only known her for some months now
Probably just typos.
walking in at a moderate pace

So... All in all the writing is quite good. A few grammar mistakes but far between.
The problem is my initial concern. When we read fictional stories we are accustomed to them having a happy end, but being basically told there will be a happy end before the story even started is... suboptimal storytelling: There is no conflict to make the story interesting to read.
It also shows during the story itself:
When they tell Lilly about their relationship she starts to show an unexpected reaction - only to make a joke a moment later.
When she tells Hisao about moving away you skip this scene as fast as you can to get back to writing fluff.
At the start of the second chapter you TRY to introduce some drama, but frankly, a depression-induced heart attack out of the blue feels kinda forced, and then you invalidate it immediately by writing a H-scene directly after (which I skipped over, so no comments on that)... Though the VN is guilty of doing the same in Lilly's route, though with a little more buildup (to the heart attack).
To sum it up, I'm sure this story will have its fans, but it's not really my kind of thing.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Hanako's Love Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by swampie2 » Thu Jan 28, 2016 7:22 pm

I really enjoyed this, you definitely encapsulated that feeling of being in love pretty well.
One Shots - My stories thread.

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Re: Hanako's Love Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Thu Jan 28, 2016 10:58 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote: ...
Thanks for the feedback. I always had a problem with some words, using them as if they were synonyms (watch and look for example), but i forget that sometimes. I'll try to do better in future.

Now for your initial concern, maybe i should have worded that different, ill review and probably rewrite some of all this anyway, but i never said that i am aiming for a 'happy end'. A good end, as i think of it, would be an end that does lead somewhere, gives a direction if you understand what i mean. I am not a big fan of vague or 'extremely' open endings, and for me the good ending of the Hanako line was just too open.
Oh, and i am actually a pretty big fan of drama, i am just not used yet to write it ... not saying the end i have in mind is going to be pure drama, but neither saying it's gonna be a 'happy end'.

Other than that, i have to thank you for the feedback about the other points. It seems i didn't really do a good job getting my ideas across, regarding Lilly (not too much into character development yet and didn't focus enough on side characters) and that heart attack which actually was not meant to be a heart attack. I'll work on that.
Oh yeah, the H scene ... i guess i rushed that really a bit, just felt like it to me though.

swampie2 wrote:I really enjoyed this, you definitely encapsulated that feeling of being in love pretty well.
Thanks, this was one of my main concerns. Not beeing used to story writing, at least not something like this, i was not sure if i could get this feeling across.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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Re: Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Thu Feb 04, 2016 8:06 pm

Still working on chapter 2, but as this might take some more time and i finished the review of chapter 1 i thought i update it now. If there is more feedback and something still needs work i can then include it when chapter 2 follows.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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Re: Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:29 am

Chapter 2: I'm Coming Home

You Are Not Alone

Hanako did her best not to start crying when saying goodbye to Lilly and Akira at the main gate of Yamaku. It was one of the saddest things I had ever to go through. Though only knowing Lilly for a few month, it feels like loosing a friend who really meant a lot to me, and for Hanako it must be much harder. I can't imagine what it took her to stay so composed.
Maybe this is exactly what Lilly meant, how strong Hanako really is … I feel bad for possibly still underestimating her or pity her. But I just want to make sure she is safe and happy.

We get to Hanako's room, just a short while after Lilly left. I sit on the bed, leaning on the wall, Hanako sideways in front of me, leaning on me with her head resting on my chest … I'm just holding her, I wouldn't know what to say to make anything better right now. But she doesn't cry, she just stares at the wall. When she blinks she does this so slowly, it's nearly eerie … she seems so distant, like she is on another world. It hurts to see her like this, and I wish I could do something. But maybe I do the only thing I can and should do, I am just there and hold her.

Seconds feel like minutes, minutes like hours.
I am not bored, I have a lot of things to think about. What the things Lilly said could mean, how I can make sure Hanako gets over this soon, how things will be when we visit my parents or if we even should wait before doing so … no, I don't have a chance to be bored, I even wish I could be a bit more bored maybe.

Time goes by slowly, we are sitting here like this for nearly three hours already. I would stay here like this forever if it helps Hanako, but my body has other priorities and urges. But I don't want to interrupt Hanako … not sure if that's even possible at the moment. Maybe she wont even notice me leaving, but I don't really want to find out.
I can hold out a bit longer.

Three and a half hours. I have to look at Hanako's face every now and then to make sure she didn't fall asleep, she is still just not moving or doing anything, just blankly staring into nothingness.
My body tells me more urgently now that it would be time to get up … but I can't.
Mind over body!
Mind over body!

Four hours! OK, there is no way I can delay that much longer, and I don't think it would be healthy anyway.
“Hanako? …. Hanako, I am sorry but I really need to get up now.”
Without a word she sits up, still staring into the same direction, giving me just enough room to slide out of the gap between her and the wall so I can finally get up. I nearly fall over as I stand up, realizing a bit late that I barely have any feeling in my legs.
I bow over to her, my mouth nearly touching her hair above her ear, saying quietly, “I will be back in just a moment.” and give her a little kiss on her hair before leaving quickly.

That was urgent, nearly too urgent. I take a bit time in the bathroom and refresh myself with some cold water on my face. I want to get back soon to Hanako but I feel bad for not being more of a help.
Just as I am leaving the bathroom I recognize my stomach signalling that it is about time to get some food. It's actually quite late for dinner, 8 pm already, not sure if Hanako wants anything, but I have to offer something at least.
The only thing I can find that is easy and quick enough to make is ramen … should do it, better said, it will have to do.
After quickly preparing the food I head to Hanako's room with two small bowls on a tray, rather a snack than a meal, but I don't think she will be very hungry anyway.

When I open the door to Hanako's room I see someone I did not expect here.
“Rin, what are you doing here?”

Rin is sitting on the edge of the bed, not far away but more behind then next to Hanako, who is still sitting on the middle of the bed, facing the wall on the head-end of the bed.
“Emi said that Hanako will be really sad after Lilly left, and I know that people usually don't like to be sad. Sad alone is bad, but sad AND alone is … bad-er? It's like when you have fresh chocolate cake but no whipped cream, and then you have no whipped cream AND no chocolate cake.”

Rin and her ways to draw comparisons … if that was even one. The few times I have spoken with her didn't really help me to understand her the slightest bit. I am not sure if Rin could make things worse for Hanako so I think it's maybe better to get her to leave.
“What? … I mean, she is not alone!”

Rin just stares at me for a moment.
“Of course not, I am here now! She can not be alone when I am here right now, right?”

“Rin!” I nearly yell. I didn't mean to, but it just comes out very loud.
And as I was about to start arguing with Rin about … hell, I don't even know about what, I see Hanako moving for the first time in hours.
She turns her head in our direction, but just a bit, she stops half way between looking at the part of the wall she had fixated earlier and me.
It looks like a pure mechanical movement, like a puppet or robot … just like on her birthday, she seems not to be really here.

I better get Rin out of here, as nice the intention of coming here was … I guess.
“Rin, thank you for stopping by, this was really nice of you, but I am here for Hanako … I was just gone for a few minutes to get us something small to eat.” lifting the tray in my hands a bit to underline what I just said. “So if you would excuse us now please … “

Rin is looking back and forth between Hanako and me two or three times, like she is not sure what to do right now.

It is Hanako who breaks the silence.
“I-It's OK Rin. … Th-Thank you.”

Rin just stands up, shrugs slightly and walks slowly towards the door. As she is half way out of the door she says, “Worse. That's the word. Bad-er is a bad way to say worse.”

Rin is just too much to comprehend, so I just nod.
“Good night Rin, and thank you.” is all I say before closing the door behind Rin.

I take a deep breath … this could have gone worse, I guess, but I am still happy that she is gone now.

I offer Hanako one portion of the food and as she takes it she finally looks at me for the first time since Lilly left. It feels … better than before when she just stared at the wall, so I give her a small smile and sit down at her desk to eat the other portion. She eats slowly, thoughtful, but doesn't even eat all of it. A while after she finished eating I ask, “Is there anything you want, or need?”

She slightly shakes her head, staring into nothingness again.
I think ill just be happy that she said a few words, ate something and doesn't send me away … so I get back into the old position, leaning on the wall, Hanako's head resting on my chest.
We stay that way a long time, before I recognize that Hanako fell asleep.
As I move us around carefully so we can lie down to sleep she wakes up of course, and as she slightly opens her eyes I just say to her, “Good night Hanako. I love you.”
She doesn't resist and after just a moment more we lie down, I just on my back, Hanako sideways with her head resting on my chest … she likes to put her head on my chest. Not sure if she sometimes tries to hear my heartbeat or so, but whenever we cuddle or get close we end up positioned like this. Her head on my chest, her hand most times above or near my scar. I don't just don't mind it, I think I actually like it that way, it feels closer than I have ever felt to anyone.

The next morning when I wake up Hanako is already awake, just lying next to me and looking at me. After I collect my thoughts a bit I realize that we slept in Hanako's bed, both wearing our school uniforms from the day before.
“Good morning, how are you today?”

“B-Better … I think.”

I should have looked closer. I didn't realize at first, nor did I notice in the night, but her eyes are a bit sore and reddened … she cried? I was lying next to her and didn't notice her crying? Damn, I feel like someone punched me in the guts.
But she said 'OK' so maybe I shouldn't mention it.
Yeah, maybe that's the best, if she wants she will talk about it.
“OK, so, what do you want to do today? Should we go visit the library and look for some books for the summer break? It will be open only a few more days and I want to make sure to get some good books.”

She just nods. Good enough for me.
We sit up after a while, and my stomach gets noisy.
“I guess I need a good breakfast, how about we go to the cafeteria soon?”

Hanako looks down on herself to her rumpled school uniform.

“Ah, right. OK, maybe a shower first and some fresh clothes …”
I think a moment about making a joke about showering together … might not be the best time for this now, so I get up and after stretching for a moment we agree to meet in one hour in the cafeteria.

After the shower and changing into new clothes I get the borrowed books I don't need anymore together. Can't just borrow the half library, unfortunately.
Damn! I forgot my pills yesterday evening, and I would have forgotten them again now if I didn't nearly knock them over while picking up a book from my night table.
I need to be more careful with this. Maybe I should get one of those little pill-boxes to carry around, so I can have one daily dose of everything with me all time … if I then just remember to take them anyway.

I sit down and take my phone out, I need to call my dad, I nearly forgot. After this last night I am sure that anything that can help Hanako to stop thinking about Lilly's departure is a good thing. We planned to stay until the end of the week here in Yamaku, but now I think we should visit my parents as soon as possible.

“Hey Dad, you are alone?”

“Well, first of all, good morning Hisao! And yes, I am in my office, doing some work while your mother prepares breakfast.”

“Sorry Dad, good morning to you too. It's just because I need to talk … privately to you. It's about my planned visit. Things changed a bit, I think I need to come earlier. But that's not all.”

“I am all ears Son, just let me close the door quickly … so, what is it?”

“OK, so as I said, I need to come sooner, I hope that's not an issue.”

“No, won't be an issue, our both vacations just start Monday in one week, but you will manage a few days alone, right?”

'But that's not all' – it echoes in my head … yeah, no shit Hisao! How could I plan the stay at my parents so early, weeks ahead in fact with their involvement, without telling them!
“Ah, of course. Well …” Now I am right there at the point where I tell my dad I have a girlfriend I want to bring along … and I don't know how to say it.

“... I hope it's OK if I bring someone along. The guest room is free, right?”
I am of course pretty sure the room is free and ready, he is sitting in this room right now, 'his office' is in fact a desk and a PC in our guest room.

“You should have told us. … But yeah, besides some files and boxes on the bed it's free. And who is this person you plan to bring with you?”

“It's … her name is Hanako, she is my girlfriend.” I say hesitantly.

“Hah … OK!”
Oh god, I can imagine his face right now. The likely widest grin possible, radiating pure pride, I think I can even hear it in his voice! For ages my dad had been pestering me jestingly about when I finally would get me a girlfriend. But ever since that one day in last winter he stopped to do so, for obvious reasons I guess.

“Heh, yeah, well: surprise! I didn't tell you yet because it's all still pretty new … and other reasons.”

“Oh right, do we need to prepare anything? I mean, she is from your school, right?”

Right, Yamaku, the school for those with special needs. A few weeks ago I might even have been slightly offended by hearing that, before thinking about it. But now? It seems normal that people think that way, and most of them don't mean anything offensive by that, and I can say that about my dad for sure.
“No … well, I mean, at least not anything in that way you might think, I guess. There is something, I don't know … I guess it's best if I just say it straight away.”
I take a deep breath.
“She has extensive scars from severe burns. It doesn't look as bad as it maybe sounds … I think. But it's hard to ignore, or at least not to stare at first. And this makes her extremely uncomfortable. She is very … anxious I guess is the right word.”

“Hm, right, is that why you wanted to talk to me alone first?”

Unfortunately he is right. It's not like I don't trust my mum, she is possibly the nicest person on the planet, but sometimes she overthinks things too much and kind of overreacts then.
“Yeah, I want to tell her really soon, but I just don't know if I should tell her everything already or not.”

After thinking about it for a minute or so my dad replies, “Right, how about that, you tell her now about your girlfriend and that you want to come earlier, and let me tell her about the scars and anxiety just the day before you two come. I can make sure it's vague enough and on short notice so she can't get too worn down by thinking about it too much.”

“Thanks Dad, don't know where I would be without you!”

“Well, without me you wouldn't BE in the first place!”
Dad-jokes … at least his are somewhat funny. Sometimes.
After a short back and forth about him, me, the meaning of life and how terrible dad-jokes are, I can't just let him get away with that can I, I get my mum on the phone.
She is happy. I can hear how she is tearing up a bit, but she holds back. I guess that's a somewhat normal reaction, or at least I want to believe that.

So that was that! My parents know about Hanako. Wasn't as bad as I feared. Well, of course it wasn't, my parents are great after all. I was just a bit anxious, and to some part I still am, I just hope everything goes well when they meet her the first time.

Hanako comes a bit late to the cafeteria. I have to hold myself back not to go and look after her, I feel this would be counter productive, going to over protective behaviour again … she doesn't need that.
As the day goes by she starts talking a bit more, smiling sometimes, just being more like herself again. And every time I notice her getting a bit better then just before, my heart makes a little jump.

When we let the day come to an end in her room in the evening I finally get my guts together and tell her about the plan to visit my parents a few days earlier already. She is not too thrilled at first, but I insist and stress that this would to her benefit too, she would then have a few more quiet days to acclimatize and get to know my parents in smaller dosage, instead of just having them around all day. We will take the train on Wednesday morning.
When I want to leave to get to my room she asks me to stay for the night again, just to be there … I should bring a pyjama to her room if this gets a habit. As much as I like to stay with her overnight, sleeping in my school uniform is not that comfortable.
But of course I don't dare to complain, I will be spending a night with my girlfriend after all.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2015 7:22 pm

Re: Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:30 am

All Summer Long

It's still a bit cold this Wednesday morning, but it's very refreshing, especially with the outlook of a lengthy train ride coming up. It wouldn't matter as much to me if we would take the Shinkansen, fast, modern and with AC, but Hanako insisted we take the older, outdated and slow train. Of course it has a reason, as soon as we enter the train I realize it: it's nearly empty!
Still, with the Shinkansen we would have reached the city my parents live in in under 4 hours, now it will be 7 hours at least and we will arrive around 2 pm, the heat will be unbearable.

I hate it when I am right with such things. It's hot, too hot. The train ride was actually not bad, I guess the company I had made up for the length. But now it would be just too much to use the bus or even walk from the station to my parents home.

Strange, whenever I think about it now it's not coming to my mind as 'my' home, but the home of my parents, though it's only a few month ago that I lived here. I guess I am getting used to call Yamaku my new home. Anyway, we take a taxi, at least that way we avoid to exhaust us too much … which is a good thing to keep in mind for myself. When I called my dad yesterday to tell him that we are coming today so he can talk to my mum, he had some not so good news: the elevator is broken, again. The apartment block is actually not that old, but ever since we moved in the elevators had problems. The fun part is that it is gonna be fixed the next day again … just to break down in a week or two again.
I wouldn't mind if we didn't have to get to the sixth floor. In the summer heat. With luggage.
I don't know how I manage to stay on my feet once we reach my old home, but I do and after a short break I can show Hanako around. It's not much to see, a pretty average flat, four rooms, kitchen, bath, maybe a bit bigger in size than average.
My room looks untouched, barely anything changed since I left it that one day in the winter for school. I only spent a few days here after leaving the hospital before going to Yamaku. And though I get really used to see Yamaku as my home, it does feel really good to be back.

I show my room to Hanako, and she seems a bit surprised. I can understand why, I never really individualized my dorm room in Yamaku, I just didn't feel like it was necessary. But my old room here is full of stuff and memories, a handful of old toys from my childhood on shelves, next to schoolbooks and boxes of board games, and quite a number of posters on the walls.

One of those posters catches Hanako's attention, “I-I really liked that one!”
I am not surprised, it's the French film 'Intouchables', one of my favourite films, seems like the kind of film Hanako would like.

“So, you go to the cinema sometimes?”

“Not really o-often, you know I-I don't like to go into the city so much. A-At least not alone …” she says while releasing her eyes from the film poster to look at me from the corner of her eye.
Obvious hint is obvious, but I am glad she gives me something to work with, I thought a lot about what we could do in the coming weeks, and though I have some ideas every additional option is welcome. So I take a mental note and hope that small old cinema not far away still exists, should be perfect.

As the evening comes I get really nervous, the first time my parents and my girlfriend will meet is getting closer. I even think for a moment if it's worth having an ambulance standing by, in case I have a heart attack because … well, I don't know, just because! But whenever I am close to panicking I notice how calm and collected Hanako appears, even more than that, she seems happy. I guess she is really looking forward to meet my parents.

It's the pure horror. Like being the co-driver of a five year old in an illegal nightly city race, expecting the unavoidable crash to happen any second.

But nothing happens. It's a nice evening with a nice dinner, Hanako and my parents seem to get along nicely, and absolutely nothing I imagined possible occurs. The small talk is a bit sluggish, but my dad saves the day when he suggests we play some board games.

… …

We are getting in a kind of rhythm over time, Hanako and myself leave the house at least once a day, sometimes we go watch a film, go window shopping, visit the public library to get a few books or just read there for a few hours, and sometimes we just take a long walk in one of the parks nearby.
My parents go out with us sometimes, just for dinner, to a museum, or for some other activities … I had completely forgotten how much fun bowling was. It's been ages since we did that as family, and I probably like it now much more than I did back when we did it the last time.
The few hiking trips are the only thing I don't really enjoy. The first time it's just too much, I need to take a lot of breaks to be able to keep going. The next trips are planned more carefully, I manage to do better but I feel it's not so much fun for everyone else … I should really do something to get in better shape when we are back at Yamaku.

Our kitchen is too small! Whenever a meal is prepared, Hanako is in the kitchen too. She really likes to do some cooking, but she likes to watch and learn more about it just as much. The only problem is the fact that both my parents are decent cooks, a big benefit with two earners in the family. When both of them came home late it never took them long to get a dinner prepared in unison. But now it means three people in one not very big kitchen … leaves me most times standing outside or in the door of the kitchen, just watching these activities.
On the other hand there is no reason to complain, as the scene every so often lets my heart overflow with joy at this sight.

Two weeks already, the more you enjoy your time, the faster it goes by. Today we go to another park to have a walk, it's still early before noon, but the heat is creeping up already. This is in fact the park where we played some football very often, it has a small public accessible field, and I can see a few people kicking a ball around from the distance. As we get closer I actually recognize one of them, it's Takumi! He was one of my three closest friends, maybe even the one I spent the most time with. We played football here, went to the cinema, played videogames at his home or went out with the others to the arcade time and again.
I am getting a bit anxious in fact, I have not seen him in a while, the last time was in hospital … and after that neither of us tried to contact the other. We are still walking towards the field and I think about changing direction for a moment, but we were good friends and I don't just want to avoid him like this. Maybe he wont even notice us …
We stand a bit away from the field and watch for a few minutes, he doesn't notice and I am about to get us to leave when he does finally see us. He comes jogging towards us, and Hanako's grip at my hand gets a bit tighter. I told her about Takumi when I saw him, asked her if she minds us getting closer, maybe even talk to him … offered to turn and go away immediately, but she didn't want to.

“Hisao! Man, it's been a while! How ...” he stops mid-sentence, as if Hanako just appeared at my side.
“... are you? And you are not alone I see.”

“Hey Takumi, nice to see you. I should have called you sometime, just had a lot of things happening since … you know.” I didn't really think about what I could say, I hope that's not gonna bite me in the butt.
“Oh and this is Hanako. Hanako – Takumi, Takumi – Hanako”

He stared at her for a moment, I noticed … but luckily he was always the more polite of my friends. If we met Mai or Shin instead of Takumi, things might have gone worse. Not that those two of my old friends where rude or anything, just a bit more … blunt, honest, direct, at times.
After a very short moment where I think about doing something just to break that situation up, Takumi just starts to smile and waves with his hand at Hanako, “Hi there Hanako, nice to meet you!”

It's a start.

Takumi focusses me for the most part of the following conversation, asking about Hanako and me and, not a big surprise, grinning stupidly happy when learning that we are together. We just do a bit of small talk, about school mostly, what happened in my old school, I tell him a little about Yamaku, not going too much into detail though. I ask about Mai and Shin after a while, we four spent a lot of time together, and I had no contact with either since the hospital.

“Nah, we don't really meet anymore. We run into each other at school sometimes, Mai and Shin of course more frequently as they are in the same class, but as far as I can tell they don't spend much time together either.”

“Oh,” that makes me actually a bit sad, “didn't expect to hear that. We had so much fun always .. I just assumed … don't know.”

“Ah well, we tried a few times, in the arcade for example. Just wasn't all that much fun without you.”

Damn, a bit sad … no, that was an understatement, it makes me actually really sad. Don't know what I expected though, maybe that nothing changed for them even when I was gone? That doesn't even make sense, but somehow I wish it was like that.
Someone from the field yells and waves to get Takumi back to play. This conversation lost its momentum anyway, so after a moment we part ways. I promise to stay in touch, to call him, he says the same … I don't know of either of us means it.
Hanako senses my sadness, and instead of just holding my hand she clutches my arm, resting her head on my shoulder as we slowly walk away.
It's only a small gesture, you can see couples do this all the time … but right here and now, this means the world to me.
God, I love that girl.

Days pass and the end of our stay comes closer, it's Tuesday of the last week we planned to stay at my parents. We intend to go back on the Monday in the last week of summer break. My parents have a surprise planned, we go out in the evening, it's a place I remember, been a while since I've been here. A restaurant with private karaoke rooms in the back. After a nice meal we get in one of those rooms, order some drinks and warm up a bit, playing some songs and see how we all are doing. Of course my mum is great, she has always been a talented singer. My dad … not so much, and unfortunately I come right after my dad in this regard. Hanako is the big surprise of the evening, unsurprisingly being a bit shy at first, she gets better by the minute. After a while I remember Lilly said something about Hanako being not bad at karaoke and actually liking it. She was right!
We decide to make this a team battle, but of course now my dad and I are doomed, as the women decide that they need to team up! Traitors! We don't give up easy, giving them a fight, but we stand no chance in the end. We tried everything possible, we chose rock hymns as our final straw, songs that don't need the best vocal skills and packed all our soul and power in there … it was not enough! As we finally admit defeat it's close to midnight already. If this could have been the last day of our stay, it would have been the perfect ending. I don't think I had so much fun in a very very long time, maybe even ever. And Hanako … she was not the same person. She was beautiful, happy, without fear and with a beautiful singing voice … just perfect.

It would have been the perfect ending for our vacation.
But we stayed a few more days.
Little did I know.
Too little.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2015 7:22 pm

Re: Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:31 am

Ain't No Sunshine

It's a rainy Thursday, a somewhat welcome change from the heat, but not really pleasant. We decide to shift our outdoor activities this time to a mall, at least the rain won't be a problem then. I've been in here often, it's a nice big mall with dozens of stores, some restaurants and cafes, and one of the arcades my friends and I visited so often.
We stroll through the mall, doing some window shopping mostly, sometimes we go into one of the shops, but we didn't buy anything yet. It's still some time until noon, we got here just when the mall opened. Hanako saw something that caught her attention in a shop window of a place where they sell all sorts of kitsch, not really my kind of shop. I step away from the window and tell her I will wait at the bench a few meters away, overviewing the atrium in the centre of the mall.
Once I sat down I let my view wander around, it's a really nice place and … Oh!
… I know that person. There is no mistaking, she has seen me too, and after hesitating a few seconds she comes closer.


I stand up, but I freeze in place … I don't know what to do, what to say, not even what to think.
Hell, what did I expect, coming to this mall, out of all the places we could have gone. This is the mall half way between where I lived and my old school. Iwanako lives not far away from my parents home, it's a possibility to run into her. More then just a random possibility actually. I had seen her in here before when I came here with my old friends, at the time when, well, I had a crush on her. Did I forget that? Or did my subconscious lead me here. There is no time to think about his, she comes closer. I turn my head just far enough to see from the corner of my eye that Hanako is still focussed on the shop's window … I don't know what to do, so I just stand there.

“Hello Hisao.”

The letter, did she want me to answer, or was she hoping to end this chapter right there. I considered writing her back .. or did I write her? I don't remember.
“Hi … Iwanako.”
Half of my brain hopes Hanako does not hear me talking to Iwanako, the other half of my brain is running amok, thinking the time is right to consider every possible outcome of this situation at the same time.

For a moment we just stand there, not close to each other, meters apart, like we are keeping a distance just to make sure … well, I don't know what.

“Did you get my letter?” she asks finally.

“Ah, yeah. It was … really nice of you to write, I wanted to answer, but I just didn't know what I should write.”
It's a lie. I knew I wanted her not to be hurt because of what happened, but that I think there was no way we could just forget what happened and that it was better … not to meet again.
And now I meet her, accidentally.

“So you are visiting your parents over the summer break?” She tries to change the topic.

“Yeah, last week of being here … I am going back next Monday to Yamaku.”
Oh, I forgot to add: 'And that over there is my girlfriend, you know, the girl I fell in love with a few month after you were about to confess to me and I had a heart attack because of this, and I only met her because you helped me have a heart attack, so, thanks!'
Great, seems like the first half of my brain now joined the second half in running amok.

“Do you want to join me for a coffee maybe? That cafe over there is nice, we could talk a bit.”

“Ah, well … sorry, no, I … I don't have time.”
Both halves of my brain stop running amok right there at this moment, assessing what I just said … just to let me know that this was a lousy answer, a really lousy answer.

I look quickly around to where Hanako was standing a moment ago, just to find her a quite few meters away already, heading to the exit.
Of course Hanako heard all of this, just standing a few meters away, and we didn't whisper or so. I consider saying something quickly to Iwanako, but I just don't have the time!

Without saying one more word to Iwanako I go after Hanako, nearly starting to jog right away to close up to her. But she had a head start, and she is not walking slow, she is in a hurry, making her way through flocks of people, determined to reach the exit on the shortest way. I have a hard time to catch up, I run into people, need to move around groups, I am already really out of breath when I finally reach her, close to the exit.
Breathless, I can't say a word more then her name, “Ha- … Hanako!”
She doesn't stop, still trying to get closer, I reach out to grab her arm, at least making sure she slows down for a short moment so I have a chance to catch my breath and explain.
I grab her arm, she shrugs it off.
I try once more to grab her arm, this time I need to hold on better … I don't realize it, but it's too much.

“Ouch! … L-Let go Hisao!”

Did I hurt her? I didn't mean to … I let go instantly … and I stop. I am breathless, confused, angry, mad, sad. She disappears through the exit. After a moment to catch some breath I follow her, hoping to catch her outside, hoping she would wait somewhere.
She doesn't. She is out of sight. But this is the exit facing the direction home to my parents, surely she will go there now.
It's too close to home to use a taxi to actually save time, considering I would need to catch one first. I walk, as fast as I can, as fast as my condition allows. Through the warm summer rain.

When I enter the hallway my parents look at me with a mixed expression that lies somewhere between confusion and worry. I can't stop to ask them, I go directly to the guest room … Hanako is there, and she is packing … and she is crying.

“Ha- … Hanako, let me..” I try to start explaining, still out of breath.

“NO!” she says loudly, somewhere between a yell and a sob.
“I was t-there, just a few meters away, I heard w-what you said!”
She packs in a rage, just stuffing everything as fast as she can in her suitcase.
“Your old c-crush appears and you forget completely that I-I am even there!”

“No, I just didn't know what to say, ...”

“B-But you spoke to her, and you d-didn't even m-mention me! … I w-was right there!”

“I … I didn't know if that could be too much for you, the stress from this confrontation. I didn't know what to say, didn't want to hurt you … and I didn't want to hurt her either!”
Did I really just say that? It's true that I didn't want to hurt her either, but it's negligible.

“Do Y-You still have feelings for h-her?”

“No, Hanako, I love you, and only you!”

She looks up, straight into my eyes. Her eyes are filled with tears and red, she looks sad and angry at the same time.
After a short moment she breaks eye-contact, continuing to pack her suitcase and shakes her head repeatedly.
“I-I … need time.” she says as she is closing her suitcase.

“Hanako, please, ...”

“No, I-I can't, I …”

Thoughts racing, I am feeling dizzy, can't really feel my body as if all brain capacity is used up to try to solve this situation, so many things I want to say. I can't just let her go like this … yet I can not think of anything I didn't say already that could solve this, and I don't want to pressure her further, I can not risk to hurt her!

“J-Just give me some t-time! A week. Promise m-me you won't come back to Yamaku for one w-week!”

I heard it, but I can't answer. I am paralysed.

She looks up again at me, “Please, H-Hisao, promise!” her expression being pure despair.

I nod. It's all I can do.

As she takes her suitcase and leaves the room I just sit down on the bed …

I hear my mum asking if Hanako is really sure that she wants to leave now, but I hear no answer.
My mum asks if she should bring her to the train station, no answer.
Mum asks if she has enough money for the ticket, no answer.
The door opens and closes again after a moment, I hear my parents talking, but I don't understand what they say.
Hanako is gone.
I think I hear my mum sobbing slightly.

After a few minutes my dad comes into the guest room, “Are you OK? Hanako didn't want to be brought to the station and she had enough money, but if you want we can drive after her, even if we just make sure she is OK.”

As he realizes that I am not in the state to either answer or go after her, he tries to play down the concern he just showed, “Well, she will be fine, she is old enough and she can call us when she has problems.” That didn't really help, and I guess he knows it.

I don't know how long I just sit there, but I go to my room later … and don't come out for the rest of the day. I feel horrible … yet I can't even cry. I wish I could.

The following days I spent inside, I don't leave the house. My parents try carefully to get me into better mood, but nothing works. Even when the weather gets better again at the weekend, I don't go outside. I spend my days trying to do something, watching TV, reading a book, helping in the household … but my mind wanders off to Hanako after a short time, every time.

What exactly did I do to upset her so much, what was wrong, how could I have made it better, how could I have fixed it, how could I have avoided all that in the first place.
I don't find answers.
The wish to be able to cry from before … I would take it back now. I think I never cried as much. I do it in silence, in my room, hidden, so long sometimes that I get headaches, but I just can't stop.

It's Sunday evening, my parents will start working tomorrow again, I feel bad, not only for everything regarding Hanako, now I even ruined the last days of my parents vacation … aren't I useful for anything?

The balcony of my parents flat faces west and it's up high enough to have a nice view on the sunset. I just stand there and stare into sunset, don't know for how long. My parents prepare dinner, smells good and familiar, maybe they'll try to cheer me up with a special dinner on the last Sunday we have on this vacation.

My thoughts wander off, I had a bit more control today about myself, cried only a bit.
I miss Hanako.
What does it mean that she wanted one week. Why didn't she want to give me a chance to explain? Why had she to leave, she could have stayed here and stayed alone in her room first. She thought she needed so much distance to me, several hundred kilometres? How much did I hurt her when I grabbed her arm in the mall? What did I say in the mall to Iwanako, what could Hanako have interpreted from it to get so mad?
This is a really beautiful sunset, I wish Hanako was here to share it with me.
Things would be so much easier if …

I jump back to the wall of the house, pressing my back against the wall.
Did I really just think that?
'Things would be so much easier if I just ended it all here and now?'

I am going straight to my room. I am crying, again. It really hurts, at least I know I am still alive. How could I think this, even just for a split second! I could never do this, not to my parents, not to Hanako. Or could I?
I need help! I can't tell my parents now, they had enough to endure already just the last few days. I need to make sure I get help, I don't want to die! Not already now at least! I'll go and see my doctor tomorrow …

A bit later when dinner is ready I take my guts together and go out there, I can't let my parents know how bad this is, they don't need to be more worried then they are already.
I will get help!

I just didn't sleep last night, I couldn't, and though very tired, I decide to get an early breakfast with my parents before they head out for work, I want to go and see my doctor as soon as possible. As I come out of my room and walk along the hallway to the kitchen I can hear them talk, not very loud so I don't understand what they are saying at first, but before I reach the door I can hear them very clearly, and what I hear makes me stop immediately.

I hate to eavesdrop usually, but the few words I heard my mother saying caught my attention.
“I am just worried. She seems to be a really nice girl, but with so many problems I am not sure if this relationship is doing either of them any good. You know how Hisao can be, all stubborn, fixated on something and … well, thinking just too much sometimes.”

“Just like you. Oh come on darling, don't frown at me like this, you know that I love your thoughtfulness, but sometimes it just leads to more problems instead of solutions. And that even more for Hisao with his youth and inexperience. I guess it wouldn't matter that much if he found himself a girlfriend that's a bit more … I hate to say it that way, but … 'normal'.“
How my dad stresses the word 'normal' gives me a shudder.

“Yes, and it's maybe the same for her too. My Hicchan still seems so sad, especially now of course, and as much as you could see how happy they both were when they were together, she seems just as troubled about him and his problems as he is about hers. I fear this could easily spiral down to get worse and worse for both of them. … Maybe they are too similar.”
First Lilly, then my mum, what do they mean, what makes Hanako and me similar?

I need answers, so I step into the kitchen door, not knowing what I should say I just stop there.

“Ah, good morning Hisao, didn't expect you to be up that early. So what do you plan to do today?” My dad tries to change the topic quickly, but I have no response.

After a few seconds of silence my mother sighs,“How much did you hear Hicchan?”

I stay calm, I am not mad at them or so, hell, I am not sure what I feel at all right now.

“Your dad and I … we are just worried. We really like your Hanako, but with what we learned from you both over the weeks and what happened last week … I don't know Hicchan, I … we just want to see you happy.”

“So you didn't just act nice over the last weeks, making sure there is no problem coming up as long as we are here?”
These words just pour out of my mouth, I realize too late they sound much worse then I intended.

My dad's reaction is to get a bit upset for a moment, unsurprisingly.
“Hisao! We are always honest with you, we DO like Hanako, and we both wish only to see you and her happy. But as your mother said, with all we know now and what happened last week, we can not just ignore this. … You two have problems, each on your own and together. Maybe you can understand each other better sometimes, be there for each other in a way someone without that understanding couldn't be. But what if this is going the wrong direction, like it seemed last week, when you can't help each other, maybe even make it worse for each other, because you are just too similar?”

I need explanations, now!
“Dammit, what does everyone mean. Hanako and me being similar? I don't get it!”

My mum answers, “Look Hicchan, you were already as a kid very thoughtful, but sometimes, just like I do too, you overthink things too much and come to wrong conclusions. I think Hanako is the same, judging by what I heard from her over the weeks. And you care about others, how they feel, what they think. This makes you very sensitive, empathic and you always liked to have friends that were very different. You rarely had friends who had much in common with you, and you liked this, you were even fascinated by all kinds of differences.”

Mai, Takumi, and Shin come to my mind. The last close friends from before my heart attack. I don't remember actually if I ever thought about how different we all were, and if this played a role when they became my friends. But it's true, we didn't have all that much in common, but still enjoyed our time together. And after meeting Takumi the other day in the park and learning that the three don't really hang out together anymore … I don't know, but maybe it was really me bringing this group together.

Mum continues, “Hanako just seems very similar, she focusses on differences for example. It might come from the injuries and scars in her case, but it seems she always sees the differences between herself and anyone else first. She is also very empathic, in the weeks she was here I never heard her complain, only ask if others were OK. And though you do complain sometimes, you always try not to and you worry about others first, just like she does.”

“I hope you understand us there Hisao,” my dad says with a lot of concern in his voice, “all those things we see as similarities in you both are just the best attributes we could wish for. But some of them can lead to problems too, like the thoughtfulness, when you overthink things too much and come to wrong conclusions, which happens. And with two young people who have problems no one should have to endure, we have to be concerned if being so similar can become a problem.”

My mum seems to see how my thoughts are drifting off so she tries to finish the whole topic, “We will always support you and we would never ask you to change or end a relationship, especially not with such an adorable person like Hanako. But you have to allow us to be worried sometimes … it's our job as your parents.”

I don't know what to say now … many things drift through my mind.
“Yeah, no … I mean, I don't know. … I need to think.”
I wish them a nice day at work and leave the kitchen again to go back to my room … I wasn't really hungry anyway. That all needs to be processed … right now I am just not sure about anything.

Livin` Blues - I`m Comin Home - the first 80 seconds of the song go without lyrics, should be enough time to go through the rest of the chapter, helping building up to the right point. If not sure, just play it as end-credit.

It's true, it doesn't even happen only rarely. I overthink things too much and get them all wrong. Like at first about Hanako, when I thought she was weak and needs protection. I thought so long about this that I was absolute sure about it, and I nearly ruined everything because of it.
And every time my heart showed signs of too much stress I played it down. Trying not to complain, not to worry others, but worrying them anyway AND risking my health at the same time!

And just a few days ago I let the girl I love just go without a fight, because she asked me to give her time … and I did not want to risk stressing her too much, not to force her to say or do something that could hurt us both, because I was afraid she could really leave me.
But I need her! I have to fight for her, even if this means to fight with her! I need to make sure that I at least tried to help her understand how and why I said and meant the things I said.

She asked me to give her one week, that would mean I should not come back to Yamaku before Thursday. It's Monday … I don't think I can wait.
I will not wait!
I will go back to Yamaku tomorrow, and I will make it right!
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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Re: Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:27 pm

Okay, part one and part two of this chapter weren't half bad, but the third part...
I know I said your story was lacking potential for conflict, but inserting random drama is not the way to fix that.

It would be one thing if Hisao had made some major faux-pas - though I don't like hadning people idiot balls either - or even if here had been some kind of misunderstanding, but he said all of three lines to Iwanako, and Hanako's problem seems to be that she wasn't mentioned in either of them^^°
Even for Hanako that is quite an overreaction.

And the packing and leaving afterwards... If that is really what your Hanako reacts like to her boyfriend talking to another women, she doesn't need a boyfriend but a psychiatrist.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Hanako's Song Compilation, XOXOXO Hisao

Post by Satchel » Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:08 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:...

..., she doesn't need a boyfriend but a psychiatrist.
Trying not to say too much, but this is roughly the direction we are heading.
It's reading pretty random and maybe not very good over all because it's a cliffhanger on the end of the chapter.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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