A Story for a Summer Assignment (new section added, 8/13)

[laharl]

First off, I enjoyed reading this.

I like that you gave Hisao temporary blindness after the heart attack, but you missed some opportunities it presents for character development. Specifically, delving into the actual conversations Lilly and Hisao have while he recuperates might give more insight on how she feels about her own blindness and the temporary nature of Hisao's. Also, since Shizune and Lilly are both visiting him, some interesting things could occur if they occasionally arrive at the same time.

“Or… you wanted to save Rin” The nurse breaks out into a big smile.

Hisao cannot see the smile, so how does he know it's there?

I dislike how you alternate between dialogue and walls of italicized narrative text. The italicization is unnecessary and it's a little jarring when you switch between styles. It would also be nice if you added an empty line between your paragraphs like you do for the dialogue, to make everything more consistent and easier to read.

Sorry, tried to add between em. And the italicizing tends to just be for when he moves places or when i am skipping large sections of time. But if it feels like it is bad i will not do that anymore.

Better than the second part.

Still, there are some points I would like to address. The section about Hisao's heart attack for example seems relatively calm, I would normally expect more panicky behaviour from someone who thinks he is going to die.

Rin unsurprisingly doesn’t visit, since she probably forgot that I am here, I am not too disappointed about that.

These two sentences seem a little odd considering that Hisao was risking his life for this girl but does not care if she visits him or not when she is the cause of his predicament.

Another important reason to choose Hanako is that she has, apart from Lilly and Kenji, the most experience in dealing with blind people.

Hanako should use her left, unscarred hand when she leads Hisao along, your post left that open but it is important for her to stay in character even (or more correct: especially) if she is beginning to trust Hisao.

I am also wondering why Hanako leads Hisao outside since Lilly's classroom and the library are situated in the same building.


Excuse me if I am really nitpicky about minor details but teachers can be a nasty bunch when you give them the opportunity to fuss over little mistakes. That being said, I think you must include a character guide or short introduction of each girl and her respective disability for your teacher in order to prepare him for all the quirks we and Hisao take for granted.

Rest well!

PS: Temporary sight issues normally create heavy headaches - just thought you could use that.

Nitpicky = good. I thought i wrote in Left hand when talking about Hanako, I'll edit that back in.

Hanako does not like people. she wouldn't want to lead Hiaso around during the after class rush. I'll make that a little more clear.

Made the edits to the section, and re posted. They are kinda flimsy edits. But they work, thanks alot you two!