Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) - Epilogue up 8/11 - COMPLE

Post by dewelar » Mon Aug 24, 2015 2:43 pm

FelOnyx wrote:And so it ends. Brilliant story, man, from beginning to, well, the last chapter I read. Ashamed to say that I haven't been keeping up with the developments* of Developments for the past few months, so I haven't read the ending yet. But I trust it's as good as the rest, and besides, it's a great excuse to just reread the whole thing from beginning to end. :mrgreen:

*I am not sorry at all
*laughs* Glad you're continuing to enjoy it, and hope that it holds up to a re-reading!
Skeeve wrote:This was... just fantastic. The tone was really on point, and there wasn't ever a moment where I thought that someone was off base or out of character.

Plus that Rin chapter was quite possibly the most entertaining thing I've read in years. You should be proud of what you've accomplished, because this was amazing.
Thanks very much for the kind words. As you can see from my signature, Rin holds a special place in my heart, so that's especially good to read. Also, one of the dreams of most authors is that, even after the initial run, people will keep finding their stories and continue to read and enjoy them. Thanks for being the first to let me know you've done so :D!
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Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) - Epilogue up 8/11 - COMPLE

Post by Mahorfeus » Mon Aug 31, 2015 11:11 pm

First, a very belated congratulations!

Second: No, thank you, dewelar. :D

I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into when I first started reading this story. It happened at an awkward time when after reading the VN again and giving its characters more thought, Lilly just sort of fell from grace for me. (This came paired with the realization that I had been judging Shizune's character by the quality of her route rather than her own merits. But I digress.) This ended up being an appropriate sort of story to follow. What exactly did I think I was getting myself into? Well, I had been certain that this story would be less than half as long, and I certainly was not expecting any love quadrangles, such a wide range of PoVs, and some of the best-written OCs (and semi-OCs :P) I have ever read in a KS fic.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by ogorhan » Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:17 pm

This last chapter was really something, so much things packed into it, new people introduced (or old friends to be correct), conflicts solved and new ones appearing with Hisao's mom for example. I again enjoyed reading it, very well written.

Wow so its finally over? Thank you for your hard work over the past 2 years for making this, its been immensly enjoyable to read Developments and how it developed (oh the puns) itself over these 60 chapters. There were many times that I couldnt wait for the next chapter to come out and I believe thats one sign out of many that proves its a damn good fanfic.

Good luck on all your future projects and endeavors dewelar :mrgreen:
しれー、しれぇー!、しれぇーってばー!ねー!、おーい、きこえてないのー?ぅおーい!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by Erthos » Mon Oct 05, 2015 6:44 pm

Oh shit, I'm late, didn't realize this was finished, and I forgot the entirety of what I read a few months ago. What a disaster. Actually, I remember it's pretty good so maybe it isn't a disaster.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by SirKaid » Tue Oct 06, 2015 5:31 am

Look at it as an opportunity to reread.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by Hesmiyu » Tue Oct 06, 2015 5:34 am

SirKaid wrote:Look at it as an opportunity to reread.
Be able to read all of it in one go now :). Man that'll take some time.
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The line above is true.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by dewelar » Tue Oct 06, 2015 5:55 pm

Thanks to those who have left kind words since the last time I was here. Sorry I haven't been on the boards as much lately, but I've been finding myself a bit less connected to KS of late. Not that I've been entirely disconnected, but the field of ideas has been laying more fallow than I'd like :(. I know better than to promise anything, so I won't :). Meanwhile...
Mahorfeus wrote:First, a very belated congratulations!
Thanks!
Second: No, thank you, dewelar. :D

I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into when I first started reading this story. It happened at an awkward time when after reading the VN again and giving its characters more thought, Lilly just sort of fell from grace for me. (This came paired with the realization that I had been judging Shizune's character by the quality of her route rather than her own merits. But I digress.) This ended up being an appropriate sort of story to follow. What exactly did I think I was getting myself into? Well, I had been certain that this story would be less than half as long, and I certainly was not expecting any love quadrangles, such a wide range of PoVs, and some of the best-written OCs (and semi-OCs :P) I have ever read in a KS fic.
I know I repeat myself a lot, but I've said before that my original outline for this story was 20-25 chapters long, and didn't even include Lilly's return, or a fair number of the events that wound up happening (and did include a few that didn't). The story led me where it did, and I am very glad I let it do so :).
ogorhan wrote:This last chapter was really something, so much things packed into it, new people introduced (or old friends to be correct), conflicts solved and new ones appearing with Hisao's mom for example. I again enjoyed reading it, very well written.

Wow so its finally over? Thank you for your hard work over the past 2 years for making this, its been immensly enjoyable to read Developments and how it developed (oh the puns) itself over these 60 chapters. There were many times that I couldnt wait for the next chapter to come out and I believe thats one sign out of many that proves its a damn good fanfic.

Good luck on all your future projects and endeavors dewelar :mrgreen:
*bows* Thank you. Right up until the end, there was so much more that I wanted to explore with these characters, but sadly it did need to end somewhere, so I filled this last chapter with as much of it as I could without making it seem like too much. It seems to have (mostly) worked out, so that's good.
Erthos wrote:Oh shit, I'm late, didn't realize this was finished, and I forgot the entirety of what I read a few months ago. What a disaster. Actually, I remember it's pretty good so maybe it isn't a disaster.
I certainly hope not :|...looking forward to (hopefully) reading your thoughts on the completed work!
Hesmiyu wrote:
SirKaid wrote:Look at it as an opportunity to reread.
Be able to read all of it in one go now :). Man that'll take some time.
Sometimes re-reads are best reads, even when they're (and yes, I finally totaled it up) 335K words long :shock:. Anyway, hearing that people are enjoying this story will never get old. Thanks again!
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Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by TheHivemind » Sat Oct 24, 2015 2:02 am

Something about stressful work weeks always seems to result in nosing about here, and this is where I seem to have wound up. A most interesting thing you did, I think. Yes, a most interesting thing indeed. I fancy you did Emi's path better than I did--for starters, there were other characters apart from Emi and Hisao, and the conflict was better executed (if nothing else we were spared Hisao's more tedious trains of thought, as he's a proper Character here and less of a cipher). Perhaps things spun their wheels a bit here and there, but perhaps that was because I took it all in one go--these episodic narratives are always best viewed as they happen.

Hmm. A pity Hisao's mother turned out so poorly. Still, every tale needs at least one villain, I suppose, and certainly I don't doubt it's far more accurate to have at least one parent be prone to saying awful things. Goodness yes.

From the looks of it, you've found a sort of closure yourself, hmm? Please do tell us if you stray into a different field, as I for one would be intrigued by it. Well, assuming it was a good field, anyway.

Someone take this keyboard away from me, I'm sure I've been spouting nonsense again.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by dewelar » Sat Oct 24, 2015 2:14 am

So, I just happened to be awake for...reasons, when I saw...
TheHivemind wrote:
:shock:
TheHivemind wrote:...I fancy you did Emi's path better than I did...
*blink blink*

You know, I never expected I'd have the need to employ a fainting couch until just now. Excuse me while I spend a few hours being blissfully incoherent. A proper reply may take a while...but for now I'll just say "thank you very much for the very, very kind words".
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Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by Leaty » Sat Oct 24, 2015 2:20 pm

Hot damn that was some top-shelf praise. I'm vicariously glowing.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by dewelar » Sat Oct 24, 2015 3:40 pm

Leaty wrote:Hot damn that was some top-shelf praise. I'm vicariously glowing.
*laughs* No kidding. At this point, I don't think there's any other feedback that I can get that will surprise me.

Anyway, I promised a full reply to TheHivemind, so here goes:
TheHivemind wrote:Something about stressful work weeks always seems to result in nosing about here, and this is where I seem to have wound up. A most interesting thing you did, I think. Yes, a most interesting thing indeed.
Glad I could help :).
I fancy you did Emi's path better than I did--for starters, there were other characters apart from Emi and Hisao, and the conflict was better executed (if nothing else we were spared Hisao's more tedious trains of thought, as he's a proper Character here and less of a cipher).
Well, to be frank, I didn't have some of the constraints that you did, in that I didn't have to answer to anybody (even if I did here and there), nor did I have to worry about how things would work visually. I also had an excellent base upon which to build. Still, to hear from the person who wrote what I consider the most enjoyable route in the game that my own story was superior to his in any way is a great honor, so thank you.
Perhaps things spun their wheels a bit here and there, but perhaps that was because I took it all in one go--these episodic narratives are always best viewed as they happen.
I've often wondered how this story would be viewed as a whole once it was complete, since I'm sure the experience is quite different from reading it episodically. That's why I'm quite looking forward to the Book Club's review over the holidays.
Hmm. A pity Hisao's mother turned out so poorly. Still, every tale needs at least one villain, I suppose, and certainly I don't doubt it's far more accurate to have at least one parent be prone to saying awful things. Goodness yes.
Indeed :|.
From the looks of it, you've found a sort of closure yourself, hmm?
At least until there's another story I want to tell, yeah :D.
Please do tell us if you stray into a different field, as I for one would be intrigued by it. Well, assuming it was a good field, anyway.
Well, my creative juices are still recovering. For the time being, I'm participating in the writing of Avitus, but that project is really still in its very early stages. No idea where things will go from there.
Someone take this keyboard away from me, I'm sure I've been spouting nonsense again.
Pish-tosh. Stuff and nonsense are the very peas and carrots upon which we writers survive.
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Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by Matigno » Mon Nov 23, 2015 6:53 pm

I finally catched up with the story after shamelessly forgetting to check it up for updates in April. And I have to say, the ending is certainly my favorite part of the story. I seem to be kind of picky with endings. They often feel rushed, or unnatural to me, especially when the story is well written. But this one ? I'm satisfied. It really brings closure, without being abrupt, and the feeling of continuity, without feeling like the author stopped at a random point. I really liked how the Nakai household was portrayed, and this Yuuko POV ? I felt stressed just reading that.

As my french teacher always said; Developpements, mais surtout conclusion et ouverture ! It's what you write last that will be remembered.

Good work, dewelar. I hope to read you again.

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by Oddball » Fri Jan 08, 2016 7:39 am

Sigh. This will be long. Very long. I'm giving my thoughts and opinions on the entire story at once here. I might ramble a little bit and go out of order here and there.

I wanted to join in on the conversation about this during the holidays but, well, I work in a toy store. I don't have much free time over Christmas season and when I do, I'm too tired to do much about it. That meant reading this had to wait a while. I figured I could probably plow through this in a few days when I started.

It didn't work that way. I found myself taking breaks after almost every chapter to let what had happened sink in while I thought about it for a bit, trying to figure out exactly where things where going, what they meant, and why they were happening that way.

First, I want to say, this was a great story. I'm insanely jealous of what you managed to accomplish. This hit with as much emotional impact as the game itself (and more so than some of the routes.)

Still, having said that, it didn't all work for me. There were some points I really didn't like and couldn't understand why you did the way you did. The Rin point of view chapter for instance was extremely painful to read and destroyed any immersion I had in the story for that chapter.

Anyway, here's some random thoughts, compliments and criticisms.

There are two things I was going to complain about, but after thinking about them for a while, they begin to make sense. We all know how Hisao changes depending on the route he's on and the girl he's pursuing, but in the story there was almost nothing of the habits and traits he picked up from Lilly present. The next part if how Hisao keeps talking about wanting to move forward but not actually doing much about it. A LARGE portion of the story was him just waiting for the right moments and hoping everything would fall into place with the girls

Then I realized how that worked. Hisao may have said he wanted to move forward, and he may have even thought about it, but that wasn't what he was actually trying to do. He wasn't trying to move forward as much as he was trying to move away from the person he was when he was with Lilly. Sadly for Hanako that includes his relation with her. Hanako was very much part of his time with Lilly, so moving past that, she had to go as well. I'm not sure if that was something you intended or me just reading too much it it, but it works for me.

For most of the story, it felt like Emi was a better friend to Hanako than Hisao was.


The Love triangle. A good four fifths (maybe more) of your story was about the love triangle, so I'm going to assume you wanted it to be ambiguous who Hisao liked for a while. This didn't work for me. Maybe I'm smarter than other people (I doubt it) but it always felt like Emi had the lead. Hisao would meet up and run with her regardless every day while he would skip out of Hanako for days at a time. He always seemed to be having more fun and being more natural around Emi than Hanako, but probably the biggest part was their supporting casts.

Emi had some very story support that pushed the story her way. Nurse, Meiko, and Rin made frequent appearances all pushing for the Emi/Hisao relationship, while Hanako didn't really have anybody like that. Sure people came forward and said they were backing her, but most of them made only quick minor appearances and disappeared from the story for lengthy intervals or had more questionably and less clear motives. Maybe it would have worked better if either of the newpaper girls had stuck around more. I don't know.

Part of me wants to say what the story needed was Miki.
In fact, I will say that. Why not? Miki was the only supporting character in the game that was strictly Hanako's. Granted they didn't interact, but Miki hinted at some history between them, seemed fully into a Hisao/Hanako relationship and seemed anti-Emi.

Also, speaking of people that weren't in the story. Kenji's absence was quite noticeable. I get why you might not have wanted to write him, but it really felt like there should have been one of his more serious scenes that helps Hisao put things into perspective... before he starts rambling like a loon again.

It just felt like I knew how the story was going to end from the get go. Sure the ride was full of neat twists and turns, but I got the feeling that I knew where it was going to end early on, and once Hanako tried to show all of herself to Hisao and got shot down, I knew she wasn't going to recover from that.

Not that I didn't enjoy the ride mind you.

Miss Yumi's appearances sucked. That may sound harsh, but it really felt like you were holding back because it wasn't really your character and therefore not your place to develop her or do anything new and dramatic with her. She was just a placeholder.

A lot of times, your Hisao felt the same way. I think you feel into the trap of thinking that Hisao was the boring one, so you didn't try to do anything to change that.

I think out of the three main girls, it took you longer to get good at writing Emi than it did Hanako or Lilly. The first few chapters she just didn't feel as real a character to me.

I was amused that she got onto Hisao about how bad walking was for him before telling him he needed to keep running everyday and how that once his endurance got up, they could go shopping, but until then, he needed to run every day! I just kind of smiled to myself and thought “Emi? Do you have the slightest clue how endurance and physical exertion even work?”

Once you got going, she got to be a good character, I especially loved how energetic and happy she came across once their relationship actually started, she was just a lot rockier to start with.

I really liked Mayoi's character. She just fit so perfectly in the story. I'm going to have a hard time picturing Shizune's mother as anything else now. Actually when she first appeared, I think I would have been more interested in hearing her story than the main story. Granted, when she did tell her story, the presentation felt off. I think that was something that would have worked a lot better with visuals. Prose style, it felt a bit flat.

I think the most painful part was Hanako realizing (or trying to rationalize to herself) that she didn't really love Hisao but just wanted what they already had. Knowing how things could have worked out if Hisao had made a few different choices, I couldn't help but feel like this was just Hanako trying to justify why things where her own fault all over again. It's ind of sad that Hanako finding strength is something that separates her from the two people that actually meant the most to her.

I think part of her problem too in this story was she had people pushing her, but nobody really supporting her. As a result for the longest time, we ended up with a Hanako who was more active and more vocal, but nothing was done about her actual insecurities and self esteem. That's a horrible combination.

Lilly, she got it really bad too. In the game she was the one with her act most together. Here, she lost BOTH of her “families”, let's face it, her relationship with Hanako is quite strained now and neither of them can really expect even friendship from Hisao anymore. On top of that, she doesn't even know what she wants to d with herself anymore. She might[/i[] still want to be a teacher, or she might want to just travel for a while, possibly with Hanako, who may or may not want to go with her.

Also, I just realized that once graduation comes,s he doesn't actually have a place to live anymore.

Noriko was an interesting character. Strange how you managed to pull such and interesting character and still used tow of the biggest cliches out there with her, both the “other girl answering the phone and causing a misunderstanding,” and the “vaguely defined disease get a miracle cure.” You pulled a nice twist on them, but I'm unsure if they really worked for me or not.

I did like how Emi never actually did accept any responsibility for how she treated her old boyfriend. Yeah, she strung him along, but it was his fault he took it too seriously. Even when she's being the good girl and the winner, little bits like this help the characters feel more real.

Towards the end it did kind of fall apart. Everything wrapped up too neatly. Miss Shizune's Mom Mayoi provided everyone with resolution and words of wisdom before riding off into the sunset never to return. Following that up with Yumi again didn't help, as we got two chapters where the older experienced woman was giving her advice. Then we followed that with Rin talking to her. The Yuuko. It's just seemed like a parade of people all showing up to give their advice.

The last real chapter was an odd duck as well. Frankly, I really enjoyed it. I felt Hisao got more development, more characterization, and more history there than the rest of the story combined. We finally got to see where he came from, who he was, and why he acts the way he does.

It just didn't feel like it belonged in the same story. Up until that point, Hisao's parents and Iwanako were non-entities in the story. Nobody mentioned them, nobody talked about them, Hisao didn't think about them, there was no contact make, and even Iwanako's infamous letter was a thing of the past.

Having Hisao come back and face them, while as strong a chapter as it was, didn't feel like it was supposed to be the ending of this story. You might as well have had him go meet Jigoro or Nomiya for all the build up you gave them. A few mentions here and there throughout would have done wonders for making them fit in more.

Also, I liked Shin's character, bro, but he realy uses the word “bro” too much, bro.

Bro.

I wasn't a huge fan of Meiko's parts. I'm ot fan of stories that hook her and Nurse up. It feels too easy and too clean for me, and making her an alcoholic just felt like trying to tack on cheap drama where we already had real human drama.

In the story we had, she had difficulty dealing with the death of her husband and her daughter just started drifting away. She tried, but she never felt like she knew what to do or how to handle it. Emi's attitude became that she didn't need anyone close to her. It just felt like Emi was taking advantage of her mom when she was convenient and shutting her out when she wasn't. To me, that felts a lot more human than Emi just deciding she couldn't rely on anybody because her mom was a dirty filthy drunk all of a sudden.

Anyway even with those complaints, great story. Congratulations.

I'm still jealous.
Not Dead Yet

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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by dewelar » Fri Jan 08, 2016 10:03 am

I'll get to the book club discussion of this story soon, but first...
Matigno wrote:I finally catched up with the story after shamelessly forgetting to check it up for updates in April. And I have to say, the ending is certainly my favorite part of the story. I seem to be kind of picky with endings. They often feel rushed, or unnatural to me, especially when the story is well written. But this one ? I'm satisfied. It really brings closure, without being abrupt, and the feeling of continuity, without feeling like the author stopped at a random point. I really liked how the Nakai household was portrayed, and this Yuuko POV ? I felt stressed just reading that.

As my french teacher always said; Developpements, mais surtout conclusion et ouverture ! It's what you write last that will be remembered.

Good work, dewelar. I hope to read you again.
Thanks! I hope to write something again :D.
Oddball wrote:Sigh.
Hey, cool!
This will be long. Very long. I'm giving my thoughts and opinions on the entire story at once here. I might ramble a little bit and go out of order here and there.
Heh, it's fine.
First, I want to say, this was a great story. I'm insanely jealous of what you managed to accomplish. This hit with as much emotional impact as the game itself (and more so than some of the routes.)
High praise indeed. Thanks.
Still, having said that, it didn't all work for me. There were some points I really didn't like and couldn't understand why you did the way you did. The Rin point of view chapter for instance was extremely painful to read and destroyed any immersion I had in the story for that chapter.
*nods* As I mentioned at the time, I expected that chapter to get a mixed reception. I did the best I could to represent Rin as accurately as I could picture her in my head, and since Rin herself tends to elicit a wide breadth of opinions, her POV should do no less :wink:.
There are two things I was going to complain about, but after thinking about them for a while, they begin to make sense. We all know how Hisao changes depending on the route he's on and the girl he's pursuing, but in the story there was almost nothing of the habits and traits he picked up from Lilly present. The next part if how Hisao keeps talking about wanting to move forward but not actually doing much about it. A LARGE portion of the story was him just waiting for the right moments and hoping everything would fall into place with the girls

Then I realized how that worked. Hisao may have said he wanted to move forward, and he may have even thought about it, but that wasn't what he was actually trying to do. He wasn't trying to move forward as much as he was trying to move away from the person he was when he was with Lilly. Sadly for Hanako that includes his relation with her. Hanako was very much part of his time with Lilly, so moving past that, she had to go as well. I'm not sure if that was something you intended or me just reading too much it it, but it works for me.
There is some truth to this. Part of the reason Hisao didn't move forward was just Hisao not knowing how until quite late in the game. That was meant to reflect the passivity he'd acquired from his time with Lilly. I also understand your take on things -- obviously, Hisao didn't intentionally leave Hanako behind, but part of what he becomes in her route is also carryover from what he picks up from Lilly, so in moving past that he also moves past Hanako as part of the package. This is part of why I maintain that Hisao-x-Hanako only has a narrow window in which to work, and why, perhaps, my writing may have telegraphed the endgame as noted below.
For most of the story, it felt like Emi was a better friend to Hanako than Hisao was.
*nods*
The Love triangle. A good four fifths (maybe more) of your story was about the love triangle, so I'm going to assume you wanted it to be ambiguous who Hisao liked for a while. This didn't work for me. Maybe I'm smarter than other people (I doubt it) but it always felt like Emi had the lead.
She pretty much did. Hisao just wasn't prepared to realize it for most of the story. It's a bit strange, given that this was originally conceived as a Hisao-x-Hanako story until I realized why that likely wouldn't work given the circumstances.
Part of me wants to say what the story needed was Miki.
In fact, I will say that. Why not? Miki was the only supporting character in the game that was strictly Hanako's. Granted they didn't interact, but Miki hinted at some history between them, seemed fully into a Hisao/Hanako relationship and seemed anti-Emi.
Fair point. I hadn't actually thought of it that way, and if I had I might have been more inclined to include her.
Also, speaking of people that weren't in the story. Kenji's absence was quite noticeable. I get why you might not have wanted to write him, but it really felt like there should have been one of his more serious scenes that helps Hisao put things into perspective... before he starts rambling like a loon again.
Actually, I didn't really feel like I could write Kenji well, period. Of course, leaving him out was what led me to invent Yoshi, who wound up playing that role to a degree.
Miss Yumi's appearances sucked. That may sound harsh, but it really felt like you were holding back because it wasn't really your character and therefore not your place to develop her or do anything new and dramatic with her. She was just a placeholder.
This, too, is fair. Miss Yumi was indeed stagnant by necessity, and I therefore used her as sparingly as I could. As I've mentioned elsewhere, if I had the confidence in my ability to develop OC's at the time I started this story, I would not have used Miss Yumi.
A lot of times, your Hisao felt the same way. I think you feel into the trap of thinking that Hisao was the boring one, so you didn't try to do anything to change that.
Yeah, I probably could have done better here, too.
I think out of the three main girls, it took you longer to get good at writing Emi than it did Hanako or Lilly. The first few chapters she just didn't feel as real a character to me.
True. I put that down to lack of material outside the game that expands on her character, since at the beginning I was mostly using extant material as a guideline to writing the characters. Eventually, I developed my own take on each, but the beginning was, as you say, rockier.
I really liked Mayoi's character. She just fit so perfectly in the story. I'm going to have a hard time picturing Shizune's mother as anything else now. Actually when she first appeared, I think I would have been more interested in hearing her story than the main story. Granted, when she did tell her story, the presentation felt off. I think that was something that would have worked a lot better with visuals. Prose style, it felt a bit flat.
As I mentioned, the presentation was actually meant to feel off. This is how Mayoi tells her stories :).
I think the most painful part was Hanako realizing (or trying to rationalize to herself) that she didn't really love Hisao but just wanted what they already had. Knowing how things could have worked out if Hisao had made a few different choices, I couldn't help but feel like this was just Hanako trying to justify why things where her own fault all over again. It's ind of sad that Hanako finding strength is something that separates her from the two people that actually meant the most to her.

I think part of her problem too in this story was she had people pushing her, but nobody really supporting her. As a result for the longest time, we ended up with a Hanako who was more active and more vocal, but nothing was done about her actual insecurities and self esteem. That's a horrible combination.
*nods* Pretty much.
Lilly, she got it really bad too. In the game she was the one with her act most together. Here, she lost BOTH of her “families”, let's face it, her relationship with Hanako is quite strained now and neither of them can really expect even friendship from Hisao anymore. On top of that, she doesn't even know what she wants to d with herself anymore. She might[/i[] still want to be a teacher, or she might want to just travel for a while, possibly with Hanako, who may or may not want to go with her.

Also, I just realized that once graduation comes,s he doesn't actually have a place to live anymore.


Somewhere early on, I realized that Lilly was essentially becoming a classic Tragic Heroine, so I went all in on that route (minus her dying, anyway). I think it suits her character.

Noriko was an interesting character. Strange how you managed to pull such and interesting character and still used tow of the biggest cliches out there with her, both the “other girl answering the phone and causing a misunderstanding,” and the “vaguely defined disease get a miracle cure.” You pulled a nice twist on them, but I'm unsure if they really worked for me or not.


I was honestly surprised at how well-received Noriko has been. She was conceived as a plot device for Hanako's arc, at least to a degree, but she took on a life of her own in my head.

I did like how Emi never actually did accept any responsibility for how she treated her old boyfriend. Yeah, she strung him along, but it was his fault he took it too seriously. Even when she's being the good girl and the winner, little bits like this help the characters feel more real.


:)

Towards the end it did kind of fall apart. Everything wrapped up too neatly. Miss Shizune's Mom Mayoi provided everyone with resolution and words of wisdom before riding off into the sunset never to return. Following that up with Yumi again didn't help, as we got two chapters where the older experienced woman was giving her advice. Then we followed that with Rin talking to her. The Yuuko. It's just seemed like a parade of people all showing up to give their advice.


Heh...I suppose that's true. To some degree this might be because I was beginning to feel burned out, and there was so much I still wanted to say. It could have been paced better, perhaps.

The last real chapter was an odd duck as well. Frankly, I really enjoyed it. I felt Hisao got more development, more characterization, and more history there than the rest of the story combined. We finally got to see where he came from, who he was, and why he acts the way he does.

It just didn't feel like it belonged in the same story. Up until that point, Hisao's parents and Iwanako were non-entities in the story. Nobody mentioned them, nobody talked about them, Hisao didn't think about them, there was no contact make, and even Iwanako's infamous letter was a thing of the past.

Having Hisao come back and face them, while as strong a chapter as it was, didn't feel like it was supposed to be the ending of this story. You might as well have had him go meet Jigoro or Nomiya for all the build up you gave them. A few mentions here and there throughout would have done wonders for making them fit in more.


Actually, he did mention them a few times, but they were few and far between. This, too, is a reflection of him taking so long to put the pieces together. Also, the fact that it feels like a different story is intentional. His parents, especially, were tangential to his reason for returning home, and as he mentions on several occasions he feels like he doesn't really know them. The same is true for Iwanako, really -- nearly the entirety of his interaction with her took place in the hospital, under trying circumstances. He has no real understanding of her, and he knows this.

Also, I liked Shin's character, bro, but he realy uses the word “bro” too much, bro.

Bro.


*laughs*

I wasn't a huge fan of Meiko's parts. I'm ot fan of stories that hook her and Nurse up. It feels too easy and too clean for me, and making her an alcoholic just felt like trying to tack on cheap drama where we already had real human drama.

In the story we had, she had difficulty dealing with the death of her husband and her daughter just started drifting away. She tried, but she never felt like she knew what to do or how to handle it. Emi's attitude became that she didn't need anyone close to her. It just felt like Emi was taking advantage of her mom when she was convenient and shutting her out when she wasn't. To me, that felts a lot more human than Emi just deciding she couldn't rely on anybody because her mom was a dirty filthy drunk all of a sudden.


I can understand this, too, although I can't agree with most of it. Yes, she had difficulty dealing with her husband and her daughter, even in the present. I had to think, then, about what the pain would have felt like in the more immediate aftermath. Her just deciding that she couldn't rely on her mother, despite all evidence to the contrary, needed a deeper explanation beyond typical teen angst. I'm not sure how this is a less human reaction than what KS gave us.

Anyway even with those complaints, great story. Congratulations.

I'm still jealous.


Thanks :mrgreen:.
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Developments (Post-Lilly NE) [Complete, 2015-08-11]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jan 08, 2016 5:38 pm

Interesting to see the perspective of someone who read this in one go, as opposed to those of us who followed from chapter to chapter over the course of... two years? Man it's been a long time...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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