Teaser, NameTBA, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

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PrymaL
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Teaser, NameTBA, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Mon Apr 06, 2015 6:22 am

Decided for the first time to try my hand at writing a Fan Fiction

And here is just a little teaser of the first chapter.

Any criticism and/or feedback would be greatly appreciated, seeing as
1. I'm a terrible writer, and
2. I'm trying to improve

Oh, and also my grammar is terrible


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her words hit me like I had run face first into a cement wall at 100 kph,

"and I... I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE!"

I can't believe this, does she hate me? She must if she could yell at me like that.. I've made her hate me.. The girl I thought I loved..

These thoughts cloud my mind as i slowly make my way back to my dorm room, shuffling my feet slowly as if I have 50 kilo weights attached to each foot, I can't even bring myself to look up from my feet. I thought I was doing the right thing.. What did I do wrong? Did i even do anything wrong?

As I make my up the stairs to my floor, I can feel the warm sensation of tears starting to well up behind my eyes. Down the hall towards my room, as I get within two meters of my room I can hear the sound of locks being unlocked behind me

"Not know Kenji, please don't come out" I think to myself as his bedroom door slowly opens.

As his glasses slowly peek through the gap that has been made I hear his voice sound out
"Whose there?! I know there's someone out here" Without replying I slowly unlock my bedroom door, not wanting to talk or even acknowledge Kenji's presence.
"YOU CAN"T SNEAK UP ON ME YOU FILTHY FEMINISTS!" I hear Kenji yell loud enough to wake the entire floor as I walk into my room. Turning on my light, the bright shine hurts my eyes as they try to adept to the change in the luminescence of the room. Looking around I feel nothing but pain. From the bottles of pills on my dresser, reminding me of my own mortality to the opened letter that Iwanako sent me weeks ago. My thoughts still reside with what happened only minutes ago, even though it feels like hours to me. Finally the tears burst through as I start crying.

Falling forwards onto my bed I sob into my pillow, holding it like one would hold a lover or a parent.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.... what have I done? Can I really have pushed her away?" These thoughts shroud my mind as my tears soak ito the fabric of my pillow. As the tears start to dry up I feel this sense of exhaustion creeping up on me, engulfing my head as darkness takes me into the eternal pit of slumber.

I see her face, I see her eyes, that terrible hatred burning in them, focusing all the hatred her small body could hold, focusing it all straight at me trying with her might to burn me with the hatred she feels for me

*GASP* I wake with a start. A cold sweat on my head and my heart beating faster than a drumline beat
Thump Thump Th Thump
Thump Thump Th Thump
My vision slowly fills with red, a pain increasing in my chest to unbearable standards. I can't have another heart attack now. No. Slow breaths.. Breath in.. breath out. In the nose, out the mouth just like I was taught. The tightness in my chest dissipates my heartbeat slowly returns to normal and the red slowly fades from my vision. I push myself back to sit against my wall and glance at my clock 4:49 am. Time just happens to be going so slowly for me right now, that dream or should I say nightmare coupled with the events of last night have made my nights sleep terrible. 4 am and I feel like I have slept for 20 minutes.

Not wanting to go back to sleep I push myself out of bed. The stiffness in my joints showing how tense I am. I can't sleep with the possibility of that dream coming back, I don't want it to come back. I just need to stop thinking about it, I need to do something, I need to... I need to run.

Changing into my gym clothes I slowly make my way down to the track, way to early for Emi to be here and way to late to warrant going back to bed. I just need something to take my mind off of recent events.
Down at the track I'm alone, nothing but me and my thoughts.. great.. just what I need right now. The early morning light barely coming through, leaving the track in this eerie murk with a light fog covering the ground leaving it to look like a scene from a horror movie.
Stretching my muscles I think back to when I ran with Emi those few times, her carefree look as she ran and her positive attitude like running was a great escape for her. I stand, my muscles feeling looser and warm. I tread of at a light jog, setting myself a good pace as my feet pat the ground of the track
Pat pat pat pat, up down up down up down, my thoughts steer towards what my feet are doing and I lose myself in my running, feeling the wind hit my face with a refreshing feeling like standing under a cool shower on a blaring summer day. My stress fades away and i feel a smile creeping on my face. This feels incredible the wind, the rhythm of my feet on the track and my breathing slowly getting heavier as i wear my muscles. After 5 laps I slow myself to a stop, sweat dripping from my forehead as I lean over with my hands on my knees, gulping in as much air as I can. A smile on my face as I stand up straight, stretching my back and looking up at the sky, Early morning sun creeping through the clouds, showing signs that a new day is here.

I slowly make my way around the track, cooling my muscles down so I don't pull a muslce. As i make my way towards the bleachers I notice a figure making it's way down towards me

"Hisao? Is that you?" I hear a familiar voice call out
"Oh, hey Emi, bit early for you to come running isn't it?" I reply as I see Emi's small slender frame make it's way to my seat on the bleachers
"What are you talking about, it's 6, it's my normal time to go running. The question should be, why are you out here so early?" Emi asks as she takes a seat on the ground in from of me, stretching her muscles for her own run. "Running on your own isn't nearly as much fun," she continues talking as she stretches "So Hisao, what ARE you doing down here so early?"
"Oh you know, keeping fit, needed to get my mind off of things so I thought a run might do me some good, y'know?" I reply as I turn to make my way back towards my dorm "I'll catch you later Emi" I call out as I start to make my way off the track and back towards the dorms.

A warm shower washes all the perspiration I had worked up off of my skin as I stand there under the torrent of water, my good mood has now reverted back to my sour depressed mood that tainted me as I made my back to my dorm last night.. last night.. how can I even deal with looking at Hanako now, she hates me, probably doesn't even want to see me or talk to me ever again.. Why does this seem like such a problem now? Did i really like her? More then friends? No i couldn't have, I've barely been here for 2 months, feelings don't develop that quickly.. Do they?
I dry off, get dressed and head back to my room to take my morning pills as these questions fill my mind.
Last edited by PrymaL on Mon Apr 06, 2015 7:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Feurox
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Re: Teaser, Reconciliation, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by Feurox » Mon Apr 06, 2015 6:59 am

Her words hit me like I had run face first into a cement wall at 100 kph,
Supper nit-picky I know. But I feel like that sentence would work better if you dropped the "Like I had run" bit, since it's her words hitting him.

Yeah, Maybe that's just me.

Overall good, some issues with your spacing. At one point I couldn't tell who was talking but that might be just my lack of sleep. It's an interesting concept, but remember that you've started from the BAD ending, thus Hanako turning around tomorow and expressing her love for Hisao would run contrary. I think

Yeah, looking forward to seeing where goes. Good luck.

PrymaL
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Re: Teaser, Reconciliation, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Mon Apr 06, 2015 7:05 am

Feurox wrote:
Her words hit me like I had run face first into a cement wall at 100 kph,
Supper nit-picky I know. But I feel like that sentence would work better if you dropped the "Like I had run" bit, since it's her words hitting him.

Yeah, Maybe that's just me.

Overall good, some issues with your spacing. At one point I couldn't tell who was talking but that might be just my lack of sleep. It's an interesting concept, but remember that you've started from the BAD ending, thus Hanako turning around tomorow and expressing her love for Hisao would run contrary. I think

Yeah, looking forward to seeing where goes. Good luck.
Easy enough to change I suppose.


Yeah, I'm writing this up on Wordpad... Don't have anything better on my computer at the moment, so my spacing will be messed up, till I get around to fixing it with the release of the first chapter.

I know that it would seem contrary, and it'd definitely not going to happen, this is just a teaser after all. I've got plans... While at the moment it's not many plans, it's at least something

Cheers

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Alpacalypse
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Re: Teaser, Reconciliation, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by Alpacalypse » Mon Apr 06, 2015 7:36 am

Um, thought I'd mention this,there's already a Hanako BE epilogue called Reconciliation, by Robonymous.
You might want to change the name, there :P .

As to what you've written - seems alright. Not sure what'll happen here, but I assume that, considering the title, it's a fix-fic?
Either way, you do have my attention. I'll be waiting to see where this goes :)
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
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I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
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Re: Teaser, Reconciliation, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Mon Apr 06, 2015 7:38 am

Alpacalypse wrote:Um, thought I'd mention this,there's already a Hanako BE epilogue called Reconciliation, by Robonymous.
You might want to change the name, there :P .

As to what you've written - seems alright. Not sure what'll happen here, but I assume that, considering the title, it's a fix-fic?
Either way, you do have my attention. I'll be waiting to see where this goes :)


ah.... yep... I'll figure a new title out then :P

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brythain
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Re: Teaser, Reconciliation, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by brythain » Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:09 am

Alpacalypse wrote:As to what you've written - seems alright. Not sure what'll happen here, but I assume that, considering the title, it's a fix-fic?
Heh, dang, I thought it would be Hisao x Emi, Kenji x Hanako...
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

PrymaL
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Re: Teaser, Reconciliation, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:23 am

brythain wrote:
Alpacalypse wrote:As to what you've written - seems alright. Not sure what'll happen here, but I assume that, considering the title, it's a fix-fic?
Heh, dang, I thought it would be Hisao x Emi, Kenji x Hanako...
Maybe ;) no spoilers. But I'd like to make it long. Not a sisterhood type long but longer then most.

Oh but no. I dislike Kenji.

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Alpacalypse
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Re: Teaser, NameTBA, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by Alpacalypse » Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:25 am

PrymaL wrote:Maybe ;) no spoilers. But I'd like to make it long. Not a sisterhood type long but longer then most.

Oh but no. I dislike Kenji.
Well, I was proven wrong by the other Reconciliation fic Genuine spoilerIt was actually about Lilly and Hanako making up after Hisao died
Again, I thought what you've written is certainly promising (better than anything I can write, for whatever that's worth), so I'll probably follow it just to see what happens.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
---
I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
---
I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Re: Teaser, NameTBA, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:36 pm

Well...

For one thing I'm always a bit cautious about fix-fics. They can turn out good but most don't. I'll reserve judgement on this one until a few more chapters are out.

One thing that felt wrong about this chapter was the running. This is Hanako arc Hisao, and I don't think he'd feel any urge to run to clear his head - not to mention that doing so after havin an almost-heart attack is not well-advised at all.
Hanako-arc Hisao would proably rather drown himself in a book than run around the track.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Teaser, NameTBA, A Hanako Bad-Ending Epilogue

Post by PrymaL » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:43 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
One thing that felt wrong about this chapter was the running. This is Hanako arc Hisao, and I don't think he'd feel any urge to run to clear his head - not to mention that doing so after havin an almost-heart attack is not well-advised at all.
Hanako-arc Hisao would proably rather drown himself in a book than run around the track.

Taken into account :)

Cheers

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