Vision

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Vision

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:21 pm

Yes, I was referring to the "glares from the other students."

I'm not sure what I would do to improve this story...

If I were to write a story like that I could think of two approaches:
a) the realistic one in which I'd cut out all unneccessary drama and exaggeration. I'm not sure that would make an interesting story, though.
or b) a comedic one where the exaggeration doesn't seem so out of place.

Your approach seems to be
c) the sappy one with lots of drama and not neccessarily realistic.

Stories of type c) have lots of fans, too - heck a large portion of anime is built on that foundation - but it's not really my cup of tea, so you can chalk that up to personal preference if you want to.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
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d2r
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Re: Vision

Post by d2r » Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:31 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Yes, I was referring to the "glares from the other students."

I'm not sure what I would do to improve this story...

If I were to write a story like that I could think of two approaches:
a) the realistic one in which I'd cut out all unneccessary drama and exaggeration. I'm not sure that would make an interesting story, though.
or b) a comedic one where the exaggeration doesn't seem so out of place.

Your approach seems to be
c) the sappy one with lots of drama and not neccessarily realistic.

Stories of type c) have lots of fans, too - heck a large portion of anime is built on that foundation - but it's not really my cup of tea, so you can chalk that up to personal preference if you want to.
Well, I didn't and don't want this to be a comedy (although, at the risk of spoiling where I intend to go, I'm not going to make it super-bleak and hopeless either), but at the same time I also don't necessarily want it to be "sappy", as you put it. Again - do you have any suggestions on how I might go about improving it? We could discuss this in more detail in PM, if you'd prefer.

Ultimately, I'm trying to suggest (as an overarching theme) that miraculously regaining sight wouldn't necessarily be all wine and roses, but at the same time if as you say I'm being a bit too exaggerated about it, then I'd value your advice on how to go about changing that in order to make for a more compelling story.
Comrade wrote:infinite options does not mean all options, just like that between every two numbers there are infinite numbers, but not all.

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If you like a moodier fanfic, why not try mine?

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Vision

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:56 pm

Again - do you have any suggestions on how I might go about improving it?
Not really...
I can offer advice on technical stuff, but threre's not much wrong about that in your story.

Like I said, if I wrote a story like that I would take it in a completely different direction, and that is not the story YOU want to write.

Ultimately that's what it's all about: You have to tell the story you want to tell, and no matter what you do, you won't please everybody.

Now I've told you that this is a story that's not for me, but that's mostly because of my personal preferences.
The premise of your story - miraculously curing Lilly's blindness - is unrealistic to begin with, so objectively I don't object to the side-effects you described, and if you decide as an author to make the characterization over the top, that's your right as well, and that automatically voids any arguments I could make about them being OOC.

The only advice I can give you is to keep the characterization consistent throughout the story, but you probably don't really need that.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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d2r
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Re: Vision

Post by d2r » Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:58 pm

Well, I suppose you're right that I can't please everyone. Still, I appreciate you taking the time to provide your input. Thanks! :)
Comrade wrote:infinite options does not mean all options, just like that between every two numbers there are infinite numbers, but not all.

If I see that sentence anywhere I am going to send your head to your mother with a replacment order
If you like a moodier fanfic, why not try mine?

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Craftyatom
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Re: Vision

Post by Craftyatom » Tue Jan 20, 2015 1:34 pm

Personally, I love this story - in a strange, makes-me-want-to-cry way. It almost feels at this point like the story aspect where everything is wrong - it focuses on stressed characters dealing with their problems as they progress, and approaching their breaking points. I think this entire section was extremely well done; both the scene with Saki and the scene in the tea room were splendid to read, even if it hurt to do so.

Keep up the good work, i'm excited (and worried) to see where this goes!
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Oddball
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Re: Vision

Post by Oddball » Sun Mar 22, 2015 8:39 am

Very interesting read. I've given a bit of thought to the subject myself, but you do a great job at showing how completely alien the sensation of sight would be to Lilly. She manages to come across as bewildered and helpless without it seeming too melodramatic or forced.

I also really liked Saki's appearance, although I'm not sure why she was with Rin. I hope she appears more in later chapters. I can understand you wanting to give an example of the envy Lilly is facing, but that was a pretty strong scene for a character to have if they're just going to disappear from the rest of the story.

I'm going to disagree with Mirage though. I really don't think Lilly is being too over the top. We know she, probably more than any other character, has had her act together and was mostly content with her life yet has a tendency to keep her problems from others. Her being forced into such an unfamiliar situation where she is effectively helpless and can't hide it could very likely do a number on her.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Vision

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Mar 22, 2015 6:04 pm

Well, yes, I can see how se would be distraught at suddenly being helpless.
What I take issue with is the extent to which she is shown to be helpless.
If sight is really affecting her that much, all she has to do is keep her eyes closed or wear a blindfold, and she'll be back to the status quo ante.^^°
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Alpacalypse
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Re: Vision

Post by Alpacalypse » Sun Mar 22, 2015 6:34 pm

Having not posted on this story yet, I will offer my opinions:
Shit, that was depressing (especially that little bit with Saki :cry: ). Well written, though. Would definitely like to see more heh, geddit? Ok, I'll stop now

Now, because I'm pedantic as all hell:
Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, yes, I can see how se would be distraught at suddenly being helpless.
What I take issue with is the extent to which she is shown to be helpless.
If sight is really affecting her that much, all she has to do is keep her eyes closed or wear a blindfold, and she'll be back to the status quo ante.^^°
It was mentioned fairly frequently that, even with her eyes closed, she can still see the darkness behind her eyelids, which distracts her and makes it extremely difficult to focus on navigation via hearing and/or touch

Sorry if that wasn't supposed to be taken seriously, I just can't let things like that slide without butting in and text makes sarcasm hard to pick up *shrug*
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Vision

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Mar 23, 2015 7:48 pm

I don't think you can be that distracted by the colour black for several days^^°

The human brain is a wonderful thing and it is able to adapt quickly. Lilly might have to learn to recognize shapes to tell what is in front of her with her eyes, but any more is stretching my credulty.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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brythain
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Re: Vision

Post by brythain » Mon Mar 23, 2015 8:27 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:I don't think you can be that distracted by the colour black for several days^^°

The human brain is a wonderful thing and it is able to adapt quickly. Lilly might have to learn to recognize shapes to tell what is in front of her with her eyes, but any more is stretching my credulity.
It takes babies a few weeks, but for a fully-networked human brain it would probably take a while longer. Give her a few months. :)
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
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d2r
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Re: Vision

Post by d2r » Mon Mar 23, 2015 8:48 pm

At any rate, the apparent upsurge in interest has inspired me to keep on working. Thank you, Oddball, for bumping this, and making me realize I had unfinished business. :wink:

I actually think that Mirage made some good criticisms. So, bearing them in mind, I think I might edit Chapter 4 slightly to tone down Lilly's difficulties in seeing a bit - while I don't agree that she'd be more or less fine after a few days (all the cases I read about suggest otherwise - more on that below), I do agree on reflection that I was laying it on too thick. In any case, I think the issue of her having to deal with others' envy provides enough of a catalyst for plot conflict, so I might focus more on that going forward. I might also try and make it clear that she's being paranoid about how other people look at her.

When I do revise the chapter, I'll probably make a brief post summarizing the main edits. If anyone wants to volunteer to look over the revision before I post it here, I'd be most grateful. :)

Concerning the brain adapting to new input - in all of the cases I read about where people regained sight after being blind from birth or early childhood (albeit through medical intervention, as opposed to the inexplicable event which premises this story), the people in question took a long time to adapt, and many never did master things like depth perception (especially in drawings - it's hard to "learn" to see a 2d picture as 3d), or recognizing facial expressions. Six weeks is a lot of time to learn a lot of subtle visual stuff we take for granted. Depression over the longer term is also, apparently, very common. I'm given to understand it's not unremittingly terrible, and that you eventually learn to deal with it, but it's not a fast or an easy process by any means, and I've been trying to capture that here.
Last edited by d2r on Mon Mar 23, 2015 9:15 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Comrade wrote:infinite options does not mean all options, just like that between every two numbers there are infinite numbers, but not all.

If I see that sentence anywhere I am going to send your head to your mother with a replacment order
If you like a moodier fanfic, why not try mine?

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brythain
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Re: Vision

Post by brythain » Mon Mar 23, 2015 8:50 pm

d2r wrote:At any rate, the apparent upsurge in interest has inspired me to keep on working. Thank you, Oddball, for bumping this, and making me realize I had unfinished business. :wink:
Glad to have you back in the saddle. :)
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Re: Vision

Post by Blank Mage » Tue Mar 24, 2015 7:26 am

d2r wrote:At any rate, the apparent upsurge in interest has inspired me to keep on working. Thank you, Oddball, for bumping this, and making me realize I had unfinished business. :wink:
Write the story, and the fans will come. Nothing will earn you more interest than an update, and the more content you have, the more people will have to comment on. I'm still checking in, you know.
And we're back.
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Alpacalypse
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Re: Vision

Post by Alpacalypse » Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:28 pm

d2r wrote:In any case, I think the issue of her having to deal with others' envy provides enough of a catalyst for plot conflict, so I might focus more on that going forward. I might also try and make it clear that she's being paranoid about how other people look at her.
Oh, god, this is just going to get even more depressing, isn't it? Oh well, still going to be worth reading if what you've got is any indication (and I would assume it is).

Also:
d2r wrote:in all of the cases I read about where people regained sight after being blind from birth or early childhood (albeit through medical intervention, as opposed to the inexplicable event which premises this story), the people in question took a long time to adapt, and many never did master things like depth perception (especially in drawings - it's hard to "learn" to see a 2d picture as 3d), or recognizing facial expressions. Six weeks is a lot of time to learn a lot of subtle visual stuff we take for granted. Depression over the longer term is also, apparently, very common. I'm given to understand it's not unremittingly terrible, and that you eventually learn to deal with it, but it's not a fast or an easy process by any means, and I've been trying to capture that here.
Interesting stuff, this. Good brain food.
I am the harbinger of your destruction... By herbivorous, mountain dwelling quadrupeds... fear me
---
I also write now, apparently. Since everyone else does it, I'm putting it here
---
I have also discovered that I'm a decent proofreader. Anybody with SPaG problems is free to PM me their work for a thorough analysis and/or evisceration. Depends on how I'm feeling.

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Critical115
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Re: Vision

Post by Critical115 » Tue Mar 24, 2015 5:22 pm

The hype train is back up and running!
We all float down here

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