Steel [We're on the third chapter now!]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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monkeywitha6pack
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Re: Steel

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sat Apr 19, 2014 4:17 pm

After getting around to reading this I think it has great potential. It's to early to tell the characters full personalities but I like them so far. And that you plan on writing it like a vn in the way you say your going to go back to a point and have him end up a different way. Deffinetly keeping a eye on it
Wahahaha~.
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GodlyVirus
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Re: Steel

Post by GodlyVirus » Sun Apr 20, 2014 12:02 am

Thank you for support dude! Though now I feel really pressured write everyone well, even though I planned most of this crap out, you know, like how you're suppose to. But I hope it at least does a somewhat decent job of story telling.. ing.
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Re: Steel

Post by Hotkey » Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:00 am

All right, well I gave it a read. The characters are kind of interesting, but the lack of polish is really jarring.

I don't see anything particularly wrong with your English, but it just reads as though you haven't ever read it through after writing it. There are lots of missing words or dodgy spellings in both chapters so far.

In the second chapter, you started too many sentences with 'I' or "I'm" - mix it up a bit. 'Anyways' isn't a word. I don't know what that double dot '..' thing is - either use a full stop or an ellipsis.
GodlyVirus wrote:"...she didn't even try to rescue them, disgraceful."
Is that a Hawaiian long sleeved shirt Emiko's wearing?
GodlyVirus wrote:I put them down
You cruel bastard, Yoshi.

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Re: Steel

Post by GodlyVirus » Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:59 am

Yeah... I'm a horrible editor and so is Word and also pretty much everything else on the internet that I can find. For refernce, I will reread my stories many times, and I fix MANY spelling errors, (oh my god so many,) and just in general any broken dialouge like sudden spikes in emotion for no other reason than for plot to progress, but there's so MANY spelling errors you become numb to it. Poth parts, LITERALLY went through EIGHT, count EIGHT edits. Like start to finish, and each time I found about 5-20 errors, (WHYYYYYYY?) Yes, I speak English with the ease of a constipated baby, really. I try VERY hard to edit, but god damn it, I am colleage student running on 4 hours of sleep, so when I hit that submit button, I know they're so going to be spelling errors and I gave hope on ever truly making a clean copy of this on my first... fourth run. Also a note on my .., I do that because when I was writing I kept switching around commas and ...s over and over again because each distance didn't sound quite right. So I decided upon on the .., not too long to come off as (too) mellow dramatic and not too short to be rant like. I fucking love it. I would make .. babies with it if I could, legit brah.
Hotkey wrote:
GodlyVirus wrote:I put them down
You cruel bastard, Yoshi.
This made me laugh so hard, and also make everyone at my bus stop think I'm (more) insane.
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Re: Steel

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Sun Apr 20, 2014 4:44 pm

My advise is to get a editor. Even if you have decent grammer both you and spell check will miss things. For example English is one of my best subjects and I still make silly mistakes that I miss
Wahahaha~.
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Re: Steel

Post by GodlyVirus » Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:44 pm

For those wondering, I do techinally have the next part ready, but I want to finsh the part after that so I can make sure if I slammed with extra homwork or whatever, I can make sure I have a part for the next month, at least. I don't have a schedule other than, "write a part in a month and post it" I'll put a little update thingy for the title thing to make it easier.
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Re: Steel (Second Chapter of Emiko route) (Most currientist)

Post by GodlyVirus » Mon May 26, 2014 2:37 pm

Food... I want food... I roll around my bed, why? What does rolling do to help my situation? I don't know... I'm hungry, hunger makes people do strange things. I look at my food stash, hoping there's something good there, but there's nothing there. That can't be possible, no it can't be. No I got some more yesterday... oh right... ducks... if I see those ducks again, I'll personally wring the life out of every one of them. I guess the only other option is the cafeteria, why... I can already taste the stale, lifeless, food already. Truly, this a test worthy of heroic song.


I put on my uniform, checking to see if there was any dust on it. I walk out the dorms, doing my best to keep my stomach growls quiet as possible, which is kind of hard, because you really can't do that. I walk out in the cold outside, and realize that's earlier than I thought. I thought it was like 6 or something but it's still dark and I can almost see the moon. The sun is only slightly there, and it's really cold. It kind of makes you feel isolated. I pick up a rock and start talking to it. It helps distracting me from the cold and my lack of company.


"How's it going Tom? How's your day been?"


Tom doesn't say anything, maybe he didn't hear me.


"Hey Tom, what's going on?"


Okay there's no way he didn't hear me now, but nooooo. Just keep ignoring me Tom, you dick. Whatever Tom, two can play that game. Tom and I walk the rest way to the cafeteria, neither of us say a word. When I get to the cafeteria, I toss Tom down on the ground, I never needed him anyway. The cafeteria smells like… cafeteria, I don't know how to describe it other than "cafeteria" smell other than soggy. It's the kind smell that changes little by little, day by day. Once the initial shock of smell, I see that there's actually more people here than I expected, because there's people here. By no means a crowd, but still... people. I get in line for food, praying that there's anything good to eat.


The cashier holds out her hand for money and my I.D. the little old lady looks nice enough, but it also leads to me the impression that she's been working this job for a long time and she's isn’t going to take no bull from no freshman... basically. I give both up willingly. She punches in some buttons and hands my I.D. back. A tray of... food? That's food, right? It's better than starving to death... almost. I sigh and look for an empty table, there's plenty but someone pops out of the crowd, Emiko. Well “pop out” is the wrong word… it’s more like she’s smaller than everyone, so it’s more of an under pop kind of thing… Beside the point, I didn't figure Emiko the one for waking up at the ungodly hour of... Dark Hour, I don't feel like checking the clock.


She's sitting by herself so I think sitting next to her sounds logical. I don't know if she's still mad about yesterday, I would guess yes. But I think sitting down at other table would just make things worse. I also just like hanging with Emiko, she's like a guy, expect not like a guy at all besides my ability to talk to her without stuttering. I slide in the seat opposite of her, and really without thinking, I devouring my food. I'm hungry…


"Most people say "hi" or "hello" when they sit down with someone, you know, to be polite,"


"Sorry about that, little hungry,"


"I don't know why you're so hungry while eating that, who gets something like that anyway?"


"It's not like I wanted to, cafeteria made me,"


Emiko looks down and her voice starts to crack.


"Oh... I'm sorry..."


"It’s fine, not like it matters,"


Clearly, this was not very effective and she looks even sadder, well... Aren't I just the ladies’ man?


"Yoshi, I'm really sorry,"


"I told you it's fine,"


Emiko keeps looks down at the ground, while I keep eating. I do my best to try to act like it doesn't bother me, but Emiko just looks like she'd rather be a thousand other places. I sigh, it's more frustrating than anything watching Emiko looking at the clock seeing if it would be appropriate for her to leave yet. Eating alone gets too boring for me, so I bring up a great topic that's worked so well for me in the past.


"So, what happened to the ducks?"


"The ducks?"


"You know..."


I wave my hands about, it doesn't really mean anything, but it makes me look like I know what I'm talking about. Emiko snaps her fingers... for snapping purposes.


"That's right, those guys,"


"I mean, that's what we spent all last day on, a little tiny bit hard to forget,"


"Whatever, I remember now, speaking of which... I need to show you something,"


Emiko drags me by the hand to somewhere else, I guess to her evil secret liar where she makes secret duck experiments... with SCIENCE! Or something completely normal, it's really a 50-50 shot here... I squint my eyes wondering what did they spike my, "food" with. Because that… was clearly not a logical thought that comes out of me everyday… I'm being dragged farther away from school, I guess the Internets can live a day without me… Me? I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle withdrawal. Emiko is starting to go faster and faster and I have the stamina of, well someone who's spent an entire month living of instant ramen... I don't have stamina. Once we stop I crouch down, breathing a like a crazed serial killer, well I think I am, I haven't really listened to a serial killer breathing.


"Hey Yoshi are you okay?'


"I'm fine, you were just kind of going a little too fast, I'm fine don't worry about it,"


"Are you sure?"


"I'm fine, okay?"


To demonstrate to my point I stand up, which causes a lot of wheezing, but I got this, just keep standing...


"Just don't hurt yourself trying to impress me, alright?"


I roll my eyes. Like I'd wheeze for you.


"So you are going to look or not?"


She points at one the cages and small beady eyes look back at me, good to see you too ducks. I press my face against the cage, getting a good look at my prey... soon...


"I got the school's permission for them to stay here, I'm just glad we didn't have to release them back into the wild,"


Yes it's great... all the easier to- OH RIGHT,


"Speaking of which, the Vet said that they're probably pets,"


"So?"


"Well shouldn't we be looking for their owners, I mean at least like a poster on a mailbox or something? I mean they still belong to them, we could try to be polite and-"


"POLITE? Oh I'm sorry was it very polite to leave in them a ditch to die? NO IT WASN'T VERY POLITE"

WELL THEN, someone is clearly, NOT down for some mailbox posters…


"OK got it, no mail boxes,"


"NO, Yoshi, were not going to do anything to help find their owners, if anything, we should trying to help hide them,"


I disagree with everything you just said, but...


"Alright... forget I said anything, sorry,"


I sigh, I guess I'll have to commence Operation, "Find Duck's Owner and Pick up Some Snack Ramen on the Way," by myself. Though I guess the ducks could be just odd expectations, assuming predications as fact got me nowhere last time, so I guess putting effort into it could just end up backfiring. I guess I'll check the Vet and see if anyone has come in yet. Yes, Operation FDOPSSRW is progressing quite nicely...


"So Yoshi wanna head into town to grab some food?"


Eh?


"What like, 30 minutes after we ate?"


"Yeah, I'm still hungry and think I'd rather eat some real food,"


"Alright sure sounds fun, I just need to pick up some groceries on the way, I still have to eat further than today,"


"OK sounds good to me I have to pick some stuff too, sounds like we'll be together for the whole day,"


Well... this could be problematic since I have a feeling I can't stop at the Vet without her noticing, sounds like she's pretty determined to keep us together for the entire day... Ehhhh I can put off the Vet until the day after today, not like it's urgent... or even remotely important. I walk away from my future dinner and head towards town to grab... future dinner...


Emiko and I walk towards town, because really, where else would we go? The forest? The forest is for hipsters and depressing old people.


"Hey Emiko, do you think the forest is hipsters and old people?"


"I think it's nature... why?"


I squint my eyes for a second


".... Hipster,"


This causes Emiko giggle, really it looked a bit more like a hiccup though.


"On a more serious note, where are we going to eat?"


"I have no idea,"


"Well... Do you have anything in mind, come on! This will probably be your one chance to have dinner to with a sane person, dream big!"


"I think sane is misleading,"


"That's not very nice of you... you're going to hurt my feelings one of these days..."


I sigh, this sounds like a pain but I think spending the day with Emiko sounds fun enough. We walk the way to town, we don't have anything of extreme importance to say, and just the occasional joke is thrown around. I really like it this way, mostly because anytime I bring up anything serious well... Well it hasn't gone too well. But whenever it's like this, I generally feel like I have a somewhat basic idea what's going in Emiko's mind. We go back that weird tea place with head-butting waitresses. It was the same waitress as before, she still acts like she has another 20 customers waiting on her even though it's just us. It's a little weird, she's a lot older than I would have thought at first. She has the odd gray hair poking at from her pun and has wrinkles around her lips and eyes... I would guess she was in her 50s by the sheer amount of both. I wonder why someone that old would still being waiting tables...


Dinner flew by in no time flat, alrightly then one more thing on the do list now... Picking up unhealthy amounts of ramen... Though we do take some detours, checking out this landmark here, looking at that probably dangerous dog on a steel chain in someone’s house there… you know normal stuff. We should probably hurry because it's getting dark already? What seriously? Did I spend THAT long at that dinner??? That little store buzzer goes off, it even has one those counters of times it's been used, love those. I can't help my swipe my hand under it until the clerk tells me to stop, I bet she does it too... There's no one else but me and Emiko and Clerk Lady and the cliché grocery music talking about food and stuff.

"Ike, scallop, herring, Garfish
Shrimp, octopus
Tuna, salmon roe, conger eel, striped jack.

Fish, fish, fish
When you eat fish
Smart, smart, smart
It makes you smart
Fish, fish, fish
When you eat fish
Body, body, body
It's good for your body

Come on, let's all eat fish together
The fish are waiting for us, oh!"

Yeah it's pretty catchy so... I pick up all the flavors I need and start heading to Cashier Lady. Emiko tags along but she keeps glancing back towards the table filled with toys.


"Do you want one?"


"Want what?"


"You keep glancing back at that table filled with those cellphone straps,"


"No I just happen to want some gummy bears... But I can live without them…"


I sigh, it became clear that she wanted one the moment I started talking, but I don't understand why she doesn't just pick it up herself. I don't know Emiko very well but I know she isn't bothered by what other people think. Meh, oh well if she isn't going to be true to herself then I'll buy one and hope she doesn't hate it. I bend my knees slightly, looking at the options... Hey this looks good, it's all metallic and manages to have that, "girly, but not really" vibe to it... Just like Emiko... According to the sticker it's called an "Oopa," it really just looks a cute fate dog to me, but whatever you say. Emiko has almost finished up with her stuff and it's my turn to pay for my things.


I put the Oopa down with the rest of the ramen, it looks almost scared next my tower of oversized cups of ramen, like it's in the middle of a city with the skyscrapers wavering over him. Don't worry Oopa-senpai... I'll protect you... Cashier Lady works with blazing speed, finishing in almost in the matter of seconds... I mean... damn. Cashier Lady is so cool. The doors slide back into position once I'm outside, Emiko is standing there, it's almost completely dark out and the street lamps have turned on by now. She's breathing out a steady of mist. Her head is looking back at the school, I assume to avoid eye contact with me. I hand her the Oopa and begin walking towards the school.


"You know I'm just going to throw this out, right?'


"Yeah I know..."


I’m trying way too hard to be cool…


Author Notes:

Well this much later than I expected... mostly because I kind of deleted this chapter on accident... whoops. Don't worry though I prefer this version SO MUCH MORE... so yay for that I guess. ALSO someone may be editing the other parts of the story… some time. Anyways a big possible thank you for Mr. ForgetMeNot! Also a small note, check out his fan fiction, it shows off his impressive ability to notice missing words! YEAH! It’s like… He can write actual sentences without forgetting the thes and ands. There were plenty of references in here too! Did you catch them all? At this rate you’ll never become the very best there ever was if you don’t… On a slightly more serious note, how did you like this chapter of… Foreshadow?
Last edited by GodlyVirus on Wed May 28, 2014 3:14 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Steel (We're on the third chapter now!)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon May 26, 2014 4:04 pm

"How's it going Tom? How's your day been?"
Your character continues to talk to characters that have not been properly introduced.
I toss Tom down on the ground
Wut?
By this time I started wondering if your OC is maybe suffering from severe hallucinations.
I don't know whether what your character says can be trusted. Tom doesn't seem to be real. Is Emiko real? Is anything he decribes?

If that is the effect you intended, then congratulations, but the first two chapters - and the rest of this one - are a bit too... mundane so I don't really think so.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Steel (We're on the third chapter now!)

Post by GodlyVirus » Mon May 26, 2014 4:25 pm

His name is Tom, he's a rock...
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Re: Steel [We're on the third chapter now!]

Post by GodlyVirus » Tue May 27, 2014 1:15 am

It should be noted when I say "Chapter" I mean "scene" chapter just sounds cooler to me. But I know the typical traditon of a visual novel is to dedicate 4 chapters to each girl... but these aren't chapters these are "I wrote all this shit down and now I'm finding segways that make sense" So yay for that I guess... Also since I don't want to waste a ton of space on this page with this post, I'll describe the plot of the deleted part, Yoshino, (By the way his name is Yoshino, Emiko just shortned to Yoshi) went to go eat breakfast and there some scene where some seniors and just didn't like how I was writing my charcters... then Yoshino went to class, (Oh yeah remember? This takes place in a high school) and started to hang with the biggest asshole I've ever had the displeasure of writing... She was a total bitch and she wasn't even the respectable type of bitch... just a bitch bitch... basically... at that point I fell alseep writing it and when I went to save my work... well it asked me to login again... causing all my crap to be deleted... whoops... at this point I could have salavged what I lost... but why bother with this stuff I really didn't think anyone would like unless they happen to like hurting themselves with horrible writing and plot. (Insert joke about I'll Be Waiting This Summer here) Anyways I much perfer this verison because it felt like the progessin of Emiko's and Yoshino's relationship felt much more natural, instead of just having a giant leap in progessin like before. (Oh yeah I did I mention that? Guess not) Hope that clears up your non existent question
Last edited by GodlyVirus on Tue May 27, 2014 8:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Steel [We're on the third chapter now!]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue May 27, 2014 3:23 am

But I know the typical traditon of a visual novel is to dedicate 4 chapters to each girl...
You're talking about "Acts" rather than chapters.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: Steel [We're on the third chapter now!]

Post by GodlyVirus » Tue May 27, 2014 8:25 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
But I know the typical traditon of a visual novel is to dedicate 4 chapters to each girl...
You're talking about "Acts" rather than chapters.
Close enough
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Re: Steel [We're on the third chapter now!]

Post by GodlyVirus » Wed May 28, 2014 3:08 am

hey quick question, are you guys catching all these refernces? Like, because after I just stared at my Dora the Expoloer refernce for seconds... minutes... hours, I'm starting to question if anyone actually understands what's happening in the story. Let me know if I should tone them down
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Re: Steel [We're on the third chapter now!]

Post by Silentcook » Wed May 28, 2014 10:06 am

If you have to ask whether someone understood something in your writing, then you should not leave that something in, ever.
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Re: Steel [We're on the third chapter now!]

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Wed May 28, 2014 10:17 am

No I didn't get any refrences. But at the same time I didn't see any refrences so it didn't effect me
Wahahaha~.
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