I Won't Be Back Tonight

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Joined: Tue Dec 31, 2013 5:36 pm

I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:47 pm

I Won't Be Back Tonight

First attempt at writing fan fiction. That's my only excuse though – I put some work into this and felt it was good enough to post.

Many, many thanks to Mirage_GSM for proof-reading this for me, and to all of you for taking the time to read it. Feedback is welcome.

Chapter 1 (15th July 2022) – PoV: Hanako
Chapter 2 (16th July 2022) – PoV: Hanako
Chapter 3 (3rd November 2022) (Mild H scene) – PoV: Hisao
Chapter 4 (4th November 2022) (Mild H scene) – PoV: Hisao
Chapter 5 (30th June 2023) – PoV: Shiina
Chapter 6 (1st July 2023) – PoV: Shiina
Last edited by Hotkey on Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posts: 68
Joined: Tue Dec 31, 2013 5:36 pm

Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:47 pm

Chapter 1 (15th July 2022) – PoV: Hanako

It's almost time for dinner. I like to go outside to the café. The chicken karaage there is delectable. The sweltering summer heat isn't nice to walk through, but it's worth it; the kindergarten cafeteria is always so crowded.

I've been working at the local pre-school for nearly four months now. When I first told Lilly about my career plans, she thought I wanted to work in a daycare centre. Lots of people seemed to make that mistake.

This is a kindergarten, though. It's not the largest in the city, but I wouldn't want to work somewhere with hundreds of children. We just have a handful of classrooms and a few dozen children each day. I know how much it can hurt to be a child. I do my best to educate them, but it's enough just to see their faces smile.

I jump a little as I hear the door knob turn, and by the time I've turned around a fellow teacher pokes her head through the opening door.

"Ms Ikezawa, could you come to room A after you've finished? One of my children wants to talk to you."

I try in vain to hide my swallowing. Talk to me? What have I done wrong? Normally, she's the one in trouble.

Taking a deep breath, I do my best to sound confident. "Sure Ms Fujimaru. I-I'll be there once my children have left."

She smiles and disappears down the corridor.

Lunch time.

I check the clock in the playroom. Eleven fifty-five. I've checked it at least five times now. I might as well go. All I'm accomplishing is wasting three people's lunch break.

I tentatively open the door to room A, and see Ms Fujimaru talking to a girl I vaguely recognize. If I remember correctly I saw - or rather heard - her in a classroom I walked past when I came here for my interview.

They break off whatever light-hearted conversation they are having.

"Hello Ms Ikezawa. This is Misha. She's been looking forward to meeting you all day."

Looking forward? Me?

"Hi, hi Miss Ike-sawa~!"

I jump slightly at the sudden change of volume in the room.

"Are you okay Miss?"

"Yes, sorry. Hello Misha. It's lovely to meet you."

I bend down to talk to her, and flick one of my ears just to make sure it still works.

"What can I do for you Misha?"

"My Mom and Dad want to meet you! I told them about you, and they said they know you!"

"You… told me about them?"

"I tell them about all~ the teachers! I told them about the tall woman with the marks, and they said they know you!"


Putting my hand on the nearby bookcase, I pull myself back up.

Ms Fujimaru has an uneasy expression, but I'm glad she doesn't make the situation more awkward by chiding the girl. I know the children here are too innocent to be deliberately hurtful.

"Can you meet my Mom when she picks me up?"

Old friends? I don't have many friends, especially not ones from when I was younger. I'm not sure I want to meet anyone from school or the orphanage.

"I see. Well, I'd love to meet your parents Misha, but..."

Think quick Hanako.

"...I have to leave early this afternoon."

It's the truth. Lilly is calling from Scotland before she leaves for work in the morning. I really don't want to miss a chance to catch up with her.

I hope this girl doesn't take it too badly.

"That's OK~! Both my Mom and Dad are picking me up tomorrow! We can meet then!"

If anything, my response seems to have turned her enthusiasm up a notch. Tomorrow being a half-day, I suppose both her parents will be free to pick her up.

I stall, looking nervously at Ms Fujimaru, but she gives a forceful smile in response. This girl is very excited; she's going to pester me into meeting her parents sooner or later.

"Well, sure. I'd love to meet them."

Might as well lay it on thick.

"You know Misha, I used to know someone with your name."

"Really~? My Mom is sometimes called Misha."

Sometimes? "Is...that so?"

"Her name is Shiina!"

Shiina, as in Misha? From Yamaku? "I see. You know Misha, I think I knew your mother when she was in high school."

"That's where Mommy met Daddy!"

Her father? He couldn't be...

"His name is Hisao!"

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:48 pm

Chapter 2 (16th July 2022) – PoV: Hanako

"Have a wonderful week Namika."

I watch one of my favourite children prepare to leave the classroom and wait in the courtyard with everyone.

Through the window, I can see Misha from yesterday waiting. Oh boy.

It's almost twelve o’clock. The end of the half-day. Saturday always puts me in a sad mood. The classes are mostly made up of children I don't recognize from weekdays. Their parents can't afford weekly pre-school for their children, and this is the best they can do.

Outside the front doors, the Saturday students wait as one by one their parents warmly greet them, some of them carrying sweets, and escort their children into their car or down the pavement, hand-in-hand.

Everyone's parents except mine. And the other caretakers’, obviously. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking for excuses to feel unhappy. Who am I kidding? It's the thought of seeing Hisao again that's putting me on edge.

I can't believe Misha was egotistical enough to name her daughter after herself. From what I remember of her, she was more careless than entirely selfish.

That girl's parents must be the Misha and Hisao I remember, surely; there's no way it's coincidence. I hope I don't say anything embarrassing to him.

As the noise of the hustle and bustle outside grows quieter, I look through the playroom window again.

There's a grinning face I haven't seen in a long time. A pair of mascara-laden amber eyes squeezed half-shut with joy. Her long hair is auburn, tied into a ponytail at the back, with thin partings down the sides of her face. A slightly oversized stomach, covered by a thin green long-sleeve top, is caressed by a long pair of arms. Next to her cheek, a familiar handsome face nuzzles closely.


I look back at his hands on her abdomen, and notice hers placed on top of his. Their left hands have matching gold bands on their ring fingers.

Upon spotting her parents, little Misha's face has a sudden expression of ecstasy, and she runs into the arms of her mother and father.

I don't want to go out there with all those pretty housewives' eyes boring into me.

Instead of leaving like everyone else, the three of them are walking towards the front doors. That girl's no doubt going to bring Hisao and Misha to me.

I head out of the playroom and down the corridor. When I turn into the entrance to the kindergarten the Nakai family, led by Hisao, enter through the doors.

I spot our receptionist wincing as Misha and her daughter are part-way through some silly yet ear-piercing debate about ice cream.

Misha's smiling face spots me walking towards them, and she runs up wrapping me in a clumsy hug with my arms pinned against my sides for most it.

"Hanachan, Hanachan~!"

I blush a little at the nickname. She reaches up with her hand and gently feels the long hair behind my left ear. "You look adorable~!"

"Thank you M-Misha. It's nice to see you again." I twist a few degrees in the direction of the girl. "And it's nice to see you again, too, Misha."

Mother Misha's smile twitches a little, and she wags her finger at me.

"I'm just Shiina~ now. This is Misha, our daughter!" She flails her hands about as she speaks, and pauses for a breath. "When she mentioned you, we were so excited. It's been so long~ since Yamaku."

That it has.

After years without seeing someone, you'd expect them to be more formal, but this is the woman formerly known as Misha I'm talking to.

I turn around to Hisao, who's wearing a tight-fitting, striking red shirt. Several mothers passing by have given him glances already, although Shiina seems completely oblivious. He smiles at me.

"Hello Hanako."

We both give a slight bow.

"H-Hi Hisao."

"Are you free right now? We'd love to catch up with you. Why don't you come back to the house with us?"

I blush a little and fiddle with the hair covering my scars.

"...sure. T-Thank you."

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:48 pm

Hisao drives us through quiet streets for several minutes. Shiina and Misha sit in the back, and continue their endless rambling about what kind of dessert is best and which flavour they prefer.

The houses surrounding us are getting increasingly expensive.

My tour of local real estate slows down as we drive into a suburban cul-de-sac. I jump as Hisao abruptly performs an inhumanly-loud finger snap.

"We're here~!" Shiina and Misha shout simultaneously.

"Every time" Hisao mutters.

He gives me an exasperated look that suggests he's heard their excited announcement a few thousand times too many.

We pull into an empty driveway wide enough for at least three cars. They live here?

It's… stunning. It must be worth well over a hundred million yen.

Hisao parks in front of two garage doors with small black lamps above each. Upwards, I can see through the window into the garage's attic room. It's the only evidence of an upper floor; the rest of the building is without doubt the biggest bungalow I've ever seen. There's more window panes than I can count, and the space between them is covered with pristine grey tiling. On the far side, a small triangular roof sits atop an archway sheltering a large pair of brown doors indicating the entrance.

The four of us precariously avoid the freshly-cut grass between the Tobishi stones that dictate our path towards the house. They're just a touch too big to skip over individually.

"This is a beautiful house you have. It must have cost a fortune."

"Thanks Hanachan!"

"Where do you live Ms Ike-sawa?

"I rent an apartment.”

“Whereabouts?”, asks Hisao.

“It's in town, a-above a fish shop."

"That sounds nice~!" replies Misha.

"Y-yes. The same family have run for the shop for over sixty years."

"Do you get a discount on the fish?"

"Hisao! Don't be cheeky~." Shiina chides him.

Inside the house, it's even more voluminous than it looks from the garden. Our feet are briefly cushioned by an entrance mat before Hisao and Shiina lead me through the hallway to the kitchen ahead of us.

I stop in the doorway and take in the beautiful décor. Koa cupboards line the walls with beige faux brickwork in between. I step towards one of the stools by the centre table and quickly duck as I nearly bump my head on some hanging pans and utensils. No one witnessed my narrow escape; Misha's not paying attention, and Hisao's eyes are firmly on Shiina opening a huge stainless steel refrigerator.

"Do you like tea Hanachan?"

"Yes. That'd be lovely. Thank you Mi-Shiina." She either doesn't notice or completely ignores my slip-up. With her back to me I can't tell.

Shiina arranges three tea cups on the worktop while the kettle begins to boil. Hisao is crouched down talking to their daughter.

"I'll get you some juice Misha", he says quietly.

"Thanks Daddy~!"

Everyone's hand soon has a drink in it. While we begin to sip our respective vices Hisao and I stand around awkwardly. Shiina leans back against the counter. I can hear some light footsteps skipping down the hallway. I look around and notice little Misha and her juice have disappeared.

"So, Hanachan, you work at Misha's pre-school?"


"Are you enjoying it?" Hisao asks.

My heart begins to beat faster. He's still concerned about my well-being after all these years.

"Y-Yes. The children are v-very nice."

"Misha's the nicest~, right, right~?" Shiina grins with delight.

"Actually, I don't teach her. She's in a different class."

"Wahaha~, it's okay, Hanachan, we know!"

Thanks for making me look like an idiot in front of Hisao. "How about you, S-Shiina?"

"I was an interpreter for Shicchan when she went to university, until I married Hisao. Now I'm Shiina Nakai~!"

Aren't you just.

I look at Hisao, probably with an involuntary expression of longing on my face. He looks at me back with those same affectionate eyes he's always had. Shiina's lucky enough to get to stare at them all day and night long.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. The two were inseparable almost from the moment Hisao transferred to Yamaku.

If the desk next to mine had been empty...

"Hicchan's a science teacher! He's always wanted to be a teacher!"

"Yeah. I teach physics to first and third-year students."

When I spoke to Lilly yesterday, I asked her if she knew how Hisao was doing. She told me he'd gone to teacher training college after university, but that was all.

"Where do you teach, H-Hisao?"

"I did some work experience at a public school after I graduated, but when that finished I got a job at Yamaku."

"That's right! My Dad gave him a really~ good reference!"

The conversation develops a lull. Hisao takes the initiative.

"I'll let you two girls catch up while I play with Misha."

"Okay, Hicchan!"

Hisao kisses Shiina on the lips and walks off. She turns to face me and bares her teeth in a huge grin.

"He's such a good father~."

You smug… "So, you changed your name?" I ask, regaining my composure.

Her smile falters. "Yeah. Some people have asked me that before. When I was pregnant, Hisao and I couldn't decide on a name. I loved my nickname. It suited me perfectly, but it's not my real name, so I gave it up for her."

That's quite sweet. And selfless. Assuming you like the name Misha, that is. I think it's fitting for both of them.

She perks up a bit and continues. "My parents like Hisao. They were really~ happy when we got married and had Misha. They always want to treat me like a princess, especially because I'm their only child."

Shiina looks around nervously. I give her a quizzical frown. She scans the open doorways to the hallway and living room staring up above her head. I think she's searching for Hisao's presence.

"My father pays most of our mortgage for us. Hisao doesn't really like it. I think he feels a little emasculated. When we told them about our engagement Hisao didn't like my parent's offer, but my father insisted. He said we'd need all these bedrooms for their grandchildren."

She leans in closer.

"Hisao wouldn't be able to afford a place like this on his own. It's hard for him just to pay our bills and Misha's kindergarten on a high school teacher's salary."

I doubt Hisao likes you telling people that, Shiina.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:48 pm

Chapter 3 (3rd November 2022) (Mild H scene) – PoV: Hisao

It's 10PM. I'm still in the study, marking physics tests to hand back in tomorrow's class.

"Hicchan~!" I hear from behind the door.

Whoever's in there is now covered in darkness.

Dammit Shiina! She still can't remember which dimmer switch is for which room. Several distracting knob-turns later, the hallway lights come back on, and the brightness that was showering me in the study disappears.

I can't see what I'm marking anymore.


Shiina hops up on my lap. Why are her legs so soft? I pass my pen into the spare fingers of the hand I'm holding the paper with, and feel her thighs.

She's not wearing anything.

"Let's go to bed." she says.

I look up into her luminous golden eyes.

"I'd love to Shiina, but I've got to mark these tests for tomorrow."

"But Hisao~, we haven't made love in ages."

"It was two or three days ago."

"That is~ ages!"

I turn away from her eyes and back to the paper in my hand, but the sound of plastic wrapped in fabric dropping on the floor distracts me.

Suddenly, gelatinous warm soft skin is shoved into my face.

"Shiina! Can you take your breasts out of my eyes please?"

"Wahaha~! You should come to bed then!"

"You know I can't. I have t-"

"If we go now, we can get up early tomorrow, and you can finish your marking then. I'll make you some breakfast and coffee too, right? Right~!"


There's no way I'll get it done in an hour or so tomorrow morning. And if I get up any earlier, I'll be tired in classes all day.

If my students saw this right now, they'd probably be whistling and cheering at me. Either that or calling me an old grouch who's unappreciative of his hot wife.

I just want to wait a few more seconds so it doesn't seem like such an easy victory for her.

I kiss her on the cheek.

"Okay, let's go."

A giant smile comes across her face, and she pulls me by the hand to the bedroom.

This is wonderful.


I'm in heaven.

The pitch black room envelopes my tired eyes, and I begin drifting off to sleep.

"Hisao~! Wake up!"

"I'm so tired Shiina. We can do it in the morning."


I'm nearly bounced out of bed as she rolls across the mattress to get on top of me.

"You're going to make love to me whether you want to or not."

Wide, heavy hips start grinding against mine.

Everything about her turns me on. I love the feel of her long, untied hair against my neck and face. As she bends down to kiss me, her breasts rub against my chest. It's almost too much for me to take.

"I'm going to...please...just...slow down."

It's too late.

My eyes force themselves closed so hard, I worry that my eyes will be crushed. I hold the sides of Shiina's waist amongst my fingers with all my might, as my penis spasms inside her.

After I finish, she lets out a long breath. All her pent up energy is escaping through her mouth. It's replaced by disappointment.

"I'm...sorry Misha, I got...over-excited."

"Don't call me that Hic-isao."


"It was my fault. I'm going to sleep."

She shuffles over to her side of the bed. I want to snuggle up to her and hold her in my arms like I normally do, but with the mood she's in I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate it.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:49 pm

Chapter 4 (4th November 2022) (Mild H scene) – PoV: Hisao

Last night was my fault. I know that. It's happened before. I never learn.

Shiina's standing in the kitchen, pouring milk into her tea cup while waiting for the kettle to boil. I embrace her lovely waist, and softly kiss the back of her head.

"Hisao, what are y-"

Busy signing her surprise, her fingers clumsily scoop up the handle of her cup and knock it over with a loud clatter.

"I was hugging you. What are you doing?" I ask, as she begins mopping up the spilt milk running across the kitchen worktop. The content expression I'm used to seeing on her face in the morning is missing.

I look around for something I can use in a half-hearted attempt to help clean up, but she's already got the situation under control by the time I reach for the paper towels.

Seeing this, Shiina gives a sympathetic smile. "It's okay Hisao. I'm just clumsy like always."

The counter where we cook is still a little damp from the milk's residue. This is a perfect chance to make amends for last night.

"How about we put Misha into foster care and go out for a lovely romantic dinner?"


"I said, how about we give Misha to Shizune and Ukyo tonight, and go out for a lovely romantic dinner?"

Shiina's smile eventually turns upside down. I forgot she doesn't like those kind of jokes.

"Just the two of us."

There's no way she'll realize this is an apology for yesterday. I won't bring it up; I don't want another argument.

"It is Friday after all. We should do something special."

"Mmm~. Okay, Hisao!"


The first time we ate here was during the week we moved into our house six years ago. That was a wonderful night. Ever since then, it's had a special meaning for us. We make sure to come here at least once every few months.

By now the maître 'd usually recognises us and seats us in our favourite spot towards the back of the house by the window. Tonight is no exception.

Shiina looks stunning. Her figure is tightly clad with the fabric of her striking cobalt-blue dress. She normally wears it only at parties. I think she likes it because it still fits after she had Misha. I like it too. The only visible skin is below the sleeves rolled up her forearms and the vast cleavage above her bust line.

"I'm up here~, Hisao."

"You know you're the envy of everyone here, right? That waiter couldn't take his eyes off you."

Shiina gives me a smirk.

"I can't either."

This time she sticks her tongue out. I really wish she wouldn't do that with a mouth full of chewed beef.

In the gentle lighting of the restaurant, her hair almost matches her golden eyes and earrings. She let it down for me tonight; without the pony tail it envelopes the top of her dress. Sometimes I miss her curls.

"Shall we order dessert? If you've got room for it, they have wonderful Kasutera here."

I hope she doesn't think that's a remark about her weight.

"Not tonight, Hicchan. I want to head back. I've got a surprise~ for you!"


By the time we get back to the house, it's nearly half past seven. I told Ukyo we'd be at their house by eight.

"Hicchan, can you call Shicchan and let her know we'll be a bit late in picking Misha up, please?"

"Sure. I'll let you..."

My words are drowned out by her thunderous jogging.

"Thanks Hicchan~!" she shouts down the corridor and dashes into our bedroom.

Once I've gotten off the phone I stroll through the hallway in pursuit of my surprise.

Standing outside the bedroom door, I can hear the sporadic tinkling of what sounds like a small bell. Does she want me to role-play as her servant, or is that my signal to go in?

I knock twice.

"Hicchan~!" she calls.

I gently open the door and poke my head through the gap.

"It's time for dessert!"

I was not expecting this.

Shiina's stark naked on the bed, her legs open and spread apart, with something white in her vagina.

I inhale deeply. The surprise was such that I forgot to breathe for a moment. In my nostrils, I receive a whiff of fruit.

"You can eat out~ tonight Hicchan! Wahaha~!"

A mixture of yoghurt, berries, and secretion are dripping out of Shiina's hip's lips onto the bed, creating a small puddle on the duvet. Frankly, it doesn't look entirely appetising.

"I know you don't like parfaits as much as I do, but this one's your favourite~ flavour. Me!"

I guess this is one way of making sure I won't get off inside her prematurely.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:49 pm

Chapter 5 (30th June 2023) – PoV: Shiina

I always like driving Misha back home after pre-school.

As she looks out of the passenger window and I out the windshield we have a mutual interest of the suburbs we live in. All the houses here are lovely, but ours is the loveliest.

Misha suddenly speaks up, returning my attention to the task at hand. I'm glad the roads are slow and empty today.

"Mom, what does in-ta-mate~ mean?"

"Intimate? Where did you hear that Misha?"

"Miss Fujimaru said it when she was talking to one of the dinner ladies at lunch. I don't think I was supposed to overhear."

"Hmm~, well. It means… when two people who love each other, who are adults, who are married, are alone together."

She looks at me slightly confused.

"So, if me and your father had an evening alone in the house together, that would be intimate. Or when me and your father are alone together in bed at night, that's intimate."

Misha thinks for a moment.

"If I'm at home can you not be in-ta-mate with Dad?"

"Well, I suppose~ so."

I can see where this is going. I reach over to turn the dashboard fan on and follow up quickly so I can allay her fears.

"But even if you weren't here Misha, your father and I couldn't be intimate in the daytime. The sun will shine through the house, and he'll be marking papers while I'm cleaning. You never have to worry about bothering us. When you go to bed, that's when me and your father are intimate."

Her lips curl into a smile.

"But, you know~, as you get older you'll start to stay up later and later. Eventually you'll go to bed at the same time as us!"

"Won't that stop you and Dad from being in-ta-mate?"

She's right, isn't she? How will me and Hisao have time together when she's older?

"But~...when you're old enough to stay up late, you'll be going out on dates with your boyfriend all the time, so that's when me and your father will be alone together!"

"Haha~! You're really smart Mom."

Eventually she's going to realise I'm not. "Well, until then, we'll be intimate when you go to bed." I give her a sincere smile.

"Okay, Mom! I'll go to bed on time, always! I promise~!"

"Wahaha~! It's okay, Misha, I know sometimes you won't, but we don't mind. Your father and I love you no matter what."

I pull into the driveway and take the keys out of my pocket to unlock both front doors. Misha runs off to play in her room, while I sit down on the living room sofa, cross my legs and pick up a magazine.


A short while later, I hear the handle of the front door turn. The last time I looked at the clock it was four twenty-five. This means only one thing: the love of my life has returned from another hard day of teaching.

"Hi hi~!"

He leans down to give me a kiss on the lips. I tilt my head up and stand on my tiptoes just before his mouth touches my face. I close my eyes and feel the sweat of his philtrum on my lips.

"Whoops, sorry Shiina."

"Sorry Hisao! It was my fault."

"If I was a Planck's constant of a hiro shorter this would be easier."

After a lengthy pause, I give a nervous laugh.

"...I like the way - you the way - you are Hicchan. You're my big~ strong husband."

He chuckles.

"And to think Shizune once found me cute."

He puts his hands to my waist. I give him an uncomfortable smile.

"Perhaps~ I should try and lose a little weight."

He gives me one of his stupid grins.

"You're such a jelly-belly Mish-."

My hand meets his cheek.

I can hear the sound bounce throughout the house.

The whole left side of his face is bright red. I can't believe I hit him.

My eyes are scrunched up in anger, and my bottom lip is starting to quiver.

"Don't...call me that Hisao."

Through my squinting, I can see him placing his hand over his chest to calm his heart.

I'm starting to get worried.

"Are you okay Hisao?" I eventually timidly ask.

I can feel my eyes watering and my make-up running down my face. I bet I look horrible to him.

"I was… just joking Shiina. I went too far. I'm sorry."

"You're always~ saying that! Stop apologizing for things that are my fault! You make me feel like I don't deserve to be married to you."

He jumps back in surprise and stumbles over the coffee table. I reach out to grab him, but he's already landed clumsily on the sofa. I walk around and sit next to him, putting my head in between his shirt collar and chin and sob away.

I hate being upset like this.

He wraps his arms around me, and kisses the messy hair on top of my head.

"Marrying you was the most wonderful thing I ever did, Shiina. I don't regret it for one second. I know we have some problems, but I promise we'll solve them. Together. Because we love each other."


It's nearly five fifteen. Dinner is almost ready, so I call Misha from the hallway. She likes to have small responsibilities such as setting the table.

When she arrives in the kitchen, she looks at my face.

"Mom~, what's wrong. You look like you've been crying?"

...I don't want to talk to her about what happened earlier. I hoist Misha up, place her on the counter, and give her a cuddle. She'll be bigger than me soon.

"You know Misha, Aunt Shizune once told me I was very lucky to have Hisao."


Before Misha can say anything more, I quickly continue convincing myself. "She was right. I am really lucky to have him. He's handsome and thoughtful and caring, and I know he loves you more than anything."

"He loves you too Mom. I'm sure he'd do anything for you."

I sigh. "Yeah~, I guess you're right."

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:49 pm

Chapter 6 (1st July 2023) – PoV: Shiina

Hisao lied to me. He told me everything would be okay, and it's not.

Misha lied as well. She told me Hisao loves me, and he's not acting like it. I don't blame her for not knowing though; we make sure never to argue in front of her.

He's saying such horrible things about me.

I'm not going to take it this time. I open my mouth and start shouting. "Maybe if you looked after me instead of free-loading off my parents!"

Before I realize it his palm hits the side of my face almost knocking me off my feet.

I shuffle about trying to regain my balance and gently feel my throbbing skin. My vision is blurred as I try to blink tears away. I listen nervously to his rapid breathing, when my concentration is interrupted by another loud smacking sound.

"Don't hit Mom, Dad!"

Misha's hand is raised from where she slapped Hisao. She's shaking with anger. He looks at her bitter expression, causing his own face to contort uncontrollably into sadness. The carpet below him becomes damp from teardrops while he stares down at the floor.

Now I'm sure I married the right man. When his own daughter hits him in the face he won't lay a finger on her.

I stand as still as I can. If a moderate gust of wind came through the window it would probably push me over right now.

I wait for either of them to make the next move. Hisao cracks first. Pivoting around, he walks straight out of the living room, not once looking at either of our faces. I hear him open the front door and close it.

Like a child, I begin to cry.

I wish I hadn't said that. I'd give anything not to have said that.

I sit down on the sofa, fold my arms around my knees and weep into my big fat stomach. Misha sits up close on the couch and tries to comfort me.

"Mommy~, I'm sure Daddy will come back and say he's sorry."

But I know he won't. Not Hisao. Even if he still loves me, he won't forgive himself for hitting me. He's gone for good.


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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Guest Poster » Fri Jan 03, 2014 5:34 pm

Interesting story, though there were a few things that puzzled me.

- First of all, 100,000,000 yen is just a little less than 1 million dollar. You describe Hisao's house as the biggest house Hanako's ever seen. She might have low standards, seeing that she grew up in an orphanage and lives in a rather small apartment. But real estate in Japan is outragously expensive and a house that you buy there for 1 million dollar probably isn't going to be a mansion. (You'd probably have a house with 1 master bedroom and two additional bedrooms for that kind of price...which is still quite spacious by Japanese standards. But probably still no double garage.) That's a minor gripe though.

- I must admit it felt weird seeing Hanako introduced as a major character only to have her disappear from the story completely after the second chapter.

- I can't shake the feeling that the story you posted felt like a mere tip of an iceberg. So it felt odd that you ended it there. There's a truckload of questions I had and I couldn't find any answers. Maybe I just missed a few subtle clues...that's entirely possible.

For example:
- I'll buy the theory that Shiina's bisexual and not merely lesbian, since the VN never made that specifically clear. But I still don't really know how Hisao and Shiina got from where they were in the VN to being married and having a daughter. Is this an epilogue to one of Shizune's two ends or did something else happen? Shiina obviously never went to study abroad like she wanted to in the VN, deciding instead to help Shizune earn her degree...meaning she and Shizune must have been on good terms by the time graduation at Yamaku rolled around. (so obviously not Shizune's bad end) Also, Hanako seems to have a thing for Hisao, but in Shizune's route he never really befriended her. How did Shiina and Hisao get together? Through some kind of alternative Misha route? Shiina's the only one of the 6 girls who never expresses any romantic interest in Hisao, so it'd be good to at least tell the reader how they ended up together despite that.

- Where did the freeloading remark come from? Hisao still had a job the day before that remark. Someone who has a job generally isn't freeloading.

- I realize there were large time skips between the chapters, but the story's mood whiplash came across as quite jarring. One moment, Hisao and Shiina are all lovey-dovey and are having sex of the kind that would make Emi blush and the next moment they're slapping each other around for remarks that don't immediately seem to warrant physical violence. (it usually takes something like infidelity to cause most married people to start hitting each other, not a rude-but-relatively harmless remark like calling her a jelly belly, which could have been mistaken for playful teasing) It also seems weird to have her react so strongly about still being nicknamed Misha from time to time while at the same time still using nicknames to refer to Hisao on occasion, as well as Shizune and Hanako. (the latter one was never nicknamed in the VN) Again, I realize there's a timeskip, but it'd be really nice to see how their marriage got to this point. If there was a part that outlined the conflict itself rather than just the results of it, I must have missed it. I can't really get a good grasp of Shiina's character due to the bipolar presentation.
Last edited by Guest Poster on Fri Jan 03, 2014 9:01 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri Jan 03, 2014 6:13 pm

- I'll buy the theory that Shiina's bisexual and not merely lesbian, since the VN never made that specifically clear. But I still don't really know how Hisao and Shiina got from where they were in the VN...
Well, the story doesn't really fit after either of Shizune's endings, so I assumed this was using the "alternative Misha route." While it would have been interesting to touch on that, I think for a story of that scope it isn't strictly neccessary.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Fri Jan 03, 2014 7:04 pm

I really like your style of writing :D! I liked the story to. Do you plan on making more fiction?

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Blasphemy » Fri Jan 03, 2014 10:15 pm

Was actually quite curious at the beginning. This taking place roughly 15 years ahead of KS and Hanako meeting Hisao/Misha through her child? Count me in. Also quite liked the idea of naming the child Misha and all.

Introducing the story via Hanako's POV and then just abruptly ending the second chapter and not following up on anything relating to her is just so weird.

Overall it then become very disjointed finding it's climax in the end which is just... wait, what? I mean Misha may know him well but... he's gone for good? Despite still having a child, a house, his former job and what not. We, the readers of your story, need to know how it came to all this in much more detail. The rough ideas are apparent, Hisao's stress with the job, him feeling unease about the house, Misha's weight and their love life. That's something that could work I suppose, it's just we're basically told it gets worse and escalates instead of actually seeing that kind of character development unfold.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Sat Jan 04, 2014 9:26 pm

Sorry for the delay everyone. I was too scared to open the thread and read the responses, and then there were two power cuts.
Guest Poster wrote:Interesting story, though there were a few things that puzzled me.
Holy macaroni, it's you.

While writing I did some research of real estate prices and houses in Japan, along with exchange rates between Yen/US$, but if you tell me I'm wide of the mark, I'll believe you. It was a tricky balance, because in the VN Misha mentions she would not have been able to attend Yamaku without her sign language scholarship (therefore her family probably aren't Satou-level wealthy), but I also needed the house fancy enough that Hisao couldn't afford it.

Yeah, Mirage mentioned Hanako's disappearing act too. And Blasphemy below. That makes three. I really set a Hanako and Hisao thing up in chapter two, didn't I? I fully admit to using Hanako for nothing more than introducing the main scenario to the reader. In retrospect, not a dignified use of her character.

It makes me happy that you feel it's the tip of the iceberg. I read a writing guide that said there's no such thing as too subtle. There is some subtlety in it, but not subtle enough that you'll have missed it. As a first work, it can't be too long, so 5000 words is a good size. While I have no shortage of crazy ideas to extended the story, I wrote it the way it played out in my head, and I'd like to leave it the way it is.

Freeloader because her father pays the mortgage for them. That itself is one of the 'subtle' hints (along with the job reference) - that Misha's father may be slightly domineering/controlling.

Disjointed? Yes, I know what you mean. The more I try to look at it from other's point of view, the more it appears as a mix of fluff, erotica, and conflict-climax thrown together.

I honestly felt the conversation in chapter five warranted Shiina hitting Hisao. Her clumsiness is demonstrated in front of them both, Hisao makes a remark which insults her intelligence, he hints that he could have had Shizune instead of her, jokes about her being fat, and then calls her by the name she doesn't like.

I thought long and hard about the Hisao/Hicchan thing, but a survey about married nicknames in Japan said that -chan is almost as common as first names. In the end, I decided to use Hicchan when friendly, and Hisao when serious. Now that you mention it, it is a little strange that she still uses nicknames for others, but I wanted to portray a Misha that hasn't grown up as much as she could have.

Hmm...you know. I think I actually expected the reader to do the character development in the half-year gap between chapters four and five themselves. I now realize how totally unacceptable that is.

Thank you for your detailed feedback! It is appreciated, and will be taken to heart.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Sat Jan 04, 2014 9:28 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, the story doesn't really fit after either of Shizune's endings, so I assumed this was using the "alternative Misha route."
Hello! That is correct. This was written as an epilogue to a theoretical Misha route, such as ProfAllister's excellent For Want Of A Nail.

I didn't want to explicitly mention the premise at the start, because chapter one is spent revealing this to the reader. I could have mentioned how Hisao and Misha got together later, but...I didn't think of that.
monkeywitha6pack wrote:I really like your style of writing :D! I liked the story to. Do you plan on making more fiction?
Your compliment is heartily appreciated! To be honest, no. I wrote this so I could cross 'Write a Piece of Fanfiction' off my list of life ambitions. But, who knows what the future may hold...
Blasphemy wrote:We, the readers of your story, need to know how it came to all this in much more detail.
I figured the rare mention of these issues was enough, but I now realize that it takes more than 15 words on a problem to justify the permanent break-up of a marriage to the reader.

Using dated chapters to avoid character development now feels like kind of a cheap tactic. I promise I won't do it again!

Excellent points raised, thank you kindly Blasphemy!

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Jan 05, 2014 6:10 am

I honestly felt the conversation in chapter five warranted Shiina hitting Hisao. Her clumsiness is demonstrated in front of them both, Hisao makes a remark which insults her intelligence, he hints that he could have had Shizune instead of her, jokes about her being fat, and then calls her by the name she doesn't like.
To be honest, to me that hit was out of the blue. In fact when you wrote "My hand meets his cheek." my first thought was she was caressing him. When the next line mentioned a loud sound I had to reread the lat few lines to be sure what happened.
I didn't mention it when editing, because I thought you meant it to show Misha being irrational.
- her clumsiness is no reason to hit Hisao
- he makes a geeky joke, which is not insulting her and is to be expected from a science teacher
- the remark about Shizune might have been a bit tasteless, but Shiina was in love with Shizune herself once, so she's in no position to take offense
- the jelly belly comment was so casual that I expected that to be a common nickname, and she even started it by mentioning losing weight.
- and she doesn't hate the name Misha. She gave it to her daughter!

In all, the "jelly belly" was the only thing that I even saw as a reason for the hit - and not really a good one. In an intact relationship such a comment might at worst warrant a playful punch, and up to this exact point in the story we have no indication that their relationship is anything but intact.
The line before Hisao enters the room is: "This means only one thing: the love of my life has returned from another hard day of teaching."
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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