Akira-pseudo route [12/21]

[nubbs]

I was asking around for something to write, seeing as I've been in a very creative mood lately, and writing this was mentioned. Most of the people who have read the other large Akira seem to agree that the story was almost ruined by large amounts of white-knighting. I've been told that I'm a decent enough writer, and people who've read my other work recommended that I write this. So yeah.

The story takes place around a character of mine, Chase Dunn, who is an American who was sent to Yamaku after extensive medical issues, the story will elaborate on it. I chose not to write from Hisao because I personally don't like him, and having to write about how much he likes his god damn ugly ass sweater vest would kill me a little bit inside each time I was forced to do it.

I look forward to comments/advice you have I love to hear, I'll try to write something like one entry a day, so stick around.

(I'm using this post as a sort of test to see how the site formats things, so story will begin on the next post, sorry from any inconvenience)

[Loeloe95]

I am honestly not sure if you are purposely shooting yourself in the foot before you start or not...

Now I am willing to give your work a fair shake another view on things is always good. But insulting what might be one of the most popular fics on this whole site, is not a great way to get people on your side.

Also just a base line recommendation, unless you manage to pull off a great main character. The whole "From America" thing will not go over well. It is always a bit of an annoying stretch that people seem to make to get there characters out to Japan.

Now I will state again, that I am willing to give your work a fair look over, but watch out for the pitfalls that come with american's going to Yamaku.

[Mahorfeus]

Pretty much what Loeloe said.

That is definitely the wrong kind of attitude to bring here, especially if you are looking for a friendly reception. Or readership, for that matter.

[Lloyd Snow]

I don't see how they insulted the other Akira fic, I think everyone's overreacting just a tad, let's not turn this into another 'Emi in Wonderland'. Certainly they've put themselves in a position where their fiction will now be directly compared with the other, but that was going to happen anyway.

[Mirage_GSM]

Okay...
First of all you shouldn't write a story "because people recommended you do." If you don't want to write a story from your own initiative, don't do it. In my opinion, personal inspiration is a large chunk of "being in a creative mood."

Second - it's been mentioned before but can't be stressed enough - don't have some American (or whatever nationality) kid go to Yamaku for some very contrived reason. There are in excess of twenty stories of that sort here, and maybe one or two of them are any good. There are plenty of Japanese kids or OCs you can use if you don't like Hisao.
Btw, if you don't like sweater vests, simply don't mention them. The VN itself hardly does. it's just some trope that crept up in Fanfiction a few months after the release, and now every author seems to think people won't recognize Hisao if they don't mention his sweater vests in every other chapter. I don't think I mentioned them once in all of my stories and nobody complained so far.

Finally, by comparing yourself to one of the best fanfictions around here and stating your confidence that you can do better comes across as pretty arrogant. Let's see if you can deliver...

[forgetmenot]

I'll abstain from commenting save for this: you probably shouldn't post on this board unless you have actual writing to put forward. Generally, the 'I have an idea for a fanfic that I'll post later' thing doesn't go over well here. That, and all the aforementioned issues make this fic a hard sell indeed. Color me interested, I suppose, if a little hesitant also. Now is the time to put your money where your mouth is.

[TheGoatman]

I suggest changing your title, sharing a title with one of the most popular stories on here is a great way to get views, those views will all be rather upset when they find that this thread isn't the massively long story they were hoping for - but rather a smaller thread trying to use the same name to get views, a thread, mind you, that doesn't even have it's first chapter out.

Now, back to the "route warning" I must give every aspiring route writer. You probably won't do it, as an optimist I really hate to say it, but I've seen countless route attempts go up and countless fall down. I can quite literally count on one hand how many have made it to the end so far, I have hopes of some routes still finishing, such as the Kagame route, and some routes are almost guaranteed to finish, such as the true Akira-psuedo route, other than that I believe there is only two to have finished. It's a ton of work to write one, and even more to write a good one, you need a beginning to get things going, a long middle to develop story(You can't have them meet one day and have sex the next, unless your character is a prostitute*(would make an interesting story actually, just not with Akira lest the fans maul you from these forums)) and in general a route is the largest fanfic project you can make for K.S. While I wouldn't hesitate to read a new route story I have no expectations of them finishing unless they are already 20-30 updates in(act 3/4) even then it's iffy.

If this is just on a whim, don't do it.
If this is just because someone suggested you do it, don't do it.
If this is your first time writing, don't do it.
If you're not sure you want to do it, don't do it.

If you have any doubts, get some practice in, write some short stories/side stories, if after a while you still want to do it, then give it a shot

Don't read below this line if you've given up already
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Your OC is an overused American to Yamako type, I suggest changing it if you can(If you want an English character, try Britain, or Australia, but these American OCs are a -10 points to your story off the bat)

Change the title, I have said it once and I shall say it again, there is a far larger story that looks to be nearly finished that is one of the most popular stories on this thread with the same title, that predates yours by at least a year. It just looks bad to see you copying its name.

Be original, if I read this and read the original Akira route, and anything seems similar, it's going to look awful and get pointed out by half a dozen people or more. (Personal Opinion: If you really want to be original, try a Yuri route, god knows I'd love to see one of those, and I haven't seen one yet other than shorts and smut stories, but an actual route hasn't even attempted to show up yet)

Change your opening post, after changing title, and just.. delete it, it gives a bad impression, between your title and first post you're -50 points and I haven't even read your story yet.

Please for the love of god don't make this one of the many examples of an author writing an idealized version of himself into the story(no semi-perfect char either, I believe someone mentioned this as being a Mary Sue? Need clarification on that)

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This is a huge project and it's alot of work, if you're not confident in your abilities, don't do it, abandoned stories are both the most beautiful and the most distasteful things on these forums, routes being the latter.

[bhtooefr]

It'd be Gary Stu in this case.

And it's a motherfucking swaggervest, not a mere sweatervest.

[Lloyd Snow]

You should listen to the goat, probably.

Also, and this might just be me, but you should probably not call your character Chase.

[CaptainFalcon]

I'm going to have to agree with almost everyone who has commented here thus far. Writing something like this right off the bat is tough, especially since your're essentially comparing your future story to what is one of the finest pieces of fan fiction on this website, due to your chosen girl. It's possible that your story will be great too, but I will leave that judgement to if I read the story when you put it up. I'll be honest when I say that i'm already put off by the fact that you so far have the same title as Thanatos's psuedo-route, that you've stated the story was almost 'ruined' by white-knighting (which I haven't really seen) and of course the aforementioned American OC. Now i'm not trying to offend here, just stating my opinion and backing up others

[Guest Poster]

Two things:

- If you don't like Hisao, that's fine. But his sweater vest is a silly reason. The only time the VN itself brought it up prominently as far as I recall was during his encounter with Jigoro, so unless you're going to make use of Jigoro (who grated on me more than Hisao's fashion sense ever could) you can get away with ignoring his choice in fashion. Going with "Hisao = Sweater Vest" merely makes you look like someone who is prone to flanderization and people prone to flanderizing generally don't write interesting fiction because of their incapacity for nuance.

- I don't recall any White Knighting in Thanatos' fic. White Knighting is the practice of overly nurturing behavior for the specific purpose of gaining a favor or boosting one's own low self-esteem. Hisao did no such thing in the fic you refer to and Akira's one of the stronger and more independant characters in the KS universe who generally doesn't need nurturing or saving. What he did was meddle in a relationship where the two people involved were struggling while possessing motives guided by attraction for one of the people involved. I happen to agree with the people who pointed out that this was morally questionable behavior, but it's not White Knighting. WK-ing is a very overused term and half the times it's used, it's used incorrectly.

Using an American immigrant as Akira's partner isn't necessarily bad, but if you made him this way because it'll be easier to write a self-insert then that doesn't sound good. Anyway, you managed to get attention and that could be good if you're as good as you say you are, but if you aren't then expect to have your writing dissected and picked apart mercilessly.

I also agree with people that you should change your fic's title, just to avoid confusion.

[Wookie]

Most of the people who have read the other large Akira seem to agree that the story was almost ruined by large amounts of white-knighting

Erm, what? What white knighting would this be? What 'majority' do you speak of? It seems to be very well received on here.

Gotta agree with everyone else here...

[BlackWaltzTheThird]

I believe there is only two to have finished

Five, according to the Library. Still counted on one hand nonetheless.

those views [sic] will all be rather upset when they find that this thread isn't the massively long story they were hoping for

Quite like myself. I had thought Thanatos' thread had updated when I saw this, actually, given the date in the title.

I'm starting to think a "Route Writing Dos and Don'ts" sticky could be pertinent. Well, it would be if people actually read them. It could save the repeated "don't do this pls" posts that new route threads attract, be they justified or not. They're almost making us seem like we're unsupportive or downright discouraging, and me seem like a hypocrite given my own origins. How else will people learn why these ideas are bad, if not by writing them and seeing for themselves?

OP, I will simply say this: what you write will more than likely not live up to your ambitions. That's totally okay. Use it and the feedback you have in order to learn and grow as a writer. There's a wonderful quote by Ira Glass that sums this up perfectly; it can be found here. In fact, read the entire contents of that thread. It will do you many favours.

[YourFavAnon]

Most of the people who have read the other large Akira seem to agree that the story was almost ruined by large amounts of white-knighting.

Mistake number one: you don't understand what white-knighting is. Don't use the term if you don't understand what it is. Being a white-knight =/= (as stated earlier, and albeit in a pretty questionable way) getting involved in someone else's relationships. If that was the case, a lot of people in real life would be 'white-knights' when in reality they might just be aiming to get in someone's pants.

I've been told that I'm a decent enough writer, and people who've read my other work recommended that I write this. So yeah.

Mistake number two: you sound extremely cocky. Don't let other people's compliments define your writing. If anything, you should only take criticism and disregard the majority of compliments. But you're digging yourself into a hole with the typical teenage "so yeah." ending to a statement after just saying people who enjoy your work want you to write this. Not to sound like a dick on my end, but you sound kind of like a dick.

[TheGoatman]

I believe there is only two to have finished

Five, according to the Library. Still counted on one hand nonetheless.

Suzu and Saki - which other ones? I'm aware of the Kagame route and the Akira both being pretty far in, but no others come to mind when I think of finished or near finished routes.