Restocked and Out of Order

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Post Reply
User avatar
Loeloe95
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 1:10 am

Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Loeloe95 » Tue Nov 05, 2013 3:12 pm

Right second written thing I have posted. This is going to be a small series type deal, I don't quite know where I want it to go yet, but I am sure I will figure it out as I go. I always tend to do that.
Anyway if you like it, tell me, if you hate it tell me.
If you want me to burn in hell fire for my portrayal of a character you hold dear, is slightly different then most, tell me.
But please don't be mean for the sake of being mean, I know that doesn't really happen on this forum, but I am just asking for people not just to spew insults at me for no reason, or each-other. Just be nice XD
K My ramble is done, onto the story by bro's!




Festival day, the day our school throw’s a massive party for the mass of parents of the student’s and bored old people alike, and it is a day I despise.

Why must I be forced to work this stall? I have no bloody interest in doing so… It’s not even my stall, it’s just a friend of mine begged me to help out here, even though I hate this type of thing.

Too many people and way too much noise. And yet I gave in to her begging, so here I am ladling out spoonful after spoonful of noodle’s to feed to the hungry crowd around us.

Why are they all so bloody hungry? And why would they come to this stall of all places? The food is horrible. It smells like vomit after a particularly nasty hangover.

Ahh well at least I don’t actually have to talk to any of them. I am just here spooning this shit into bowls. If it smell counts for anything, I doubt it even tastes good; it’s just fried garbage in my opinion. I mean who would even want this? It’s just a heart attack in bowl.

But it is kind of funny; they have the one handed chick handling the food. Get it handling… Ha, I hate my sense of humor sometimes. I have a love-hate relationship with (bad) puns…

“Yo Miki, Order up two bowls, chop chop” Micro Cock shouted at me. Breaking me out of my inner monologue, god I hate it when people do that. You would think I would be used to it by now, yet I am not. And I Still have a burning desire to dunk his fat head in the fryer.

“Calm your tits Micro Cock, they’re coming.” I shout back, while desperately trying to get back into the irritating rhythm of spooning this bile into bowls for the hungry masses.

“I Said I hate that name Miki!” Micro Cock angrily shouts back at me. “If you don’t stop, I’ll start calling you Stumpy!”

Did he just threaten to call me that? Ohh boy, now it’s personal. “Ahh that’s why you are so sensitive then, I never knew micro cock was a good enough reason to get into Yamaku, glad to finally know your disability!” I Shouted sardonically back, attempting (And failing) to hold back my laughter.

“I hate you so much Miki” He shouted back, while desperately trying to give back the right change for a man who gave him a thousand yen note. He was always horrible at math, which makes this so much more amusing for me.

Jerchio Markli A half Russian half Japanese guy from three one, and a self-centered prick if there ever was one. I should have known this was Kie’s reason behind asking me to help. Granted I suppose working with your ex would be allot worse, than your friend who hate’s your ex just as much (if not more) working with him.

Sighing with displeasure I look over the crowd of people with disdain. So many people are here, I doubt all of these people are parents of kids here. But if they aren't why are they here then? (They are here because we are different; we are like a fucking zoo to them!) No Bad Miki, don’t think that way; they are here to support us. Stop being bitter, not everyone has bad intentions. Just most people do.

“I wonder what Kie is doing right now” I think aloud, I mean this is her stall, plus she was and some other guy were supposed to take over by now.

“Don’t know” Micro say’s back while attempting to deal with a practically mean group of twelve year olds.

“I wasn't asking you” I say back irritated, all the while still looking over the crowd, hoping to see maybe at least on familiar face in this sea of people. Ohh fuck, I didn't want to see them. As I spot a pink streak rushing through the crowds towards us… Oh boy here comes Little Miss Dick Taker, and her irritating minion Pink Drills.

A “WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” hit’s me full force as they approach the stall.

I wonder what they want; they can’t possibly want the slop here. Or they could, anything is possible with those two, also considering the amount of people that came by already. Whelp time to face the music I suppose, or rather Misha’s boom box of a voice.
Favorite girls Rin=Lilly>Misha=Hanako=Emi>Shizune
Favorite Routes Lilly>Rin=Emi>Hanako>Shizune

INFP

User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 226
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Feurox » Tue Nov 05, 2013 3:52 pm

Hey I like it ;) Ahahh very small small compliant, (this might even just be for me) but you say Micro cock quite a lot in short succession, Maybe just changing like one of them to "he" might just vary it up slightly, but that might be just me seeing it like that. ;) Anyway I like it so far ;) <3

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5992
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Nov 05, 2013 5:02 pm

Nice job giving a somewhat... different portrayal of Miki so far.
Might I suggest you find a proofreader, though? There are quite a few typos and other issues for such a short piece.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
AntonSlavik020
Posts: 607
Joined: Mon Mar 04, 2013 5:03 pm
Location: Cleveland, OH

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Tue Nov 05, 2013 8:32 pm

Not much to say really because its so short, mainly just that it seems to stop quite abruptly.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

User avatar
Loeloe95
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 1:10 am

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Loeloe95 » Tue Nov 05, 2013 10:37 pm

Since I don't understand the quote system, I will just reply in order.

1: Feurox: Thank you :) I have been toying with this thing for around a month now, and finally decided to actually tackle it. Because doing my math in class seem's so boring... ^_^ Erm yeah, see the main reason i thought repetition would be good is that it annoys Jerchio, and that bring's Miki pleasure. I'll tone it down though in the next piece though.

2: Mirage: Thank you, yeah see I thought would take a slightly more "real" approach to Miki. In my opinion at least, everyone seem's to use her as a prop, a funny person. Yet honestly wouldn't she be allot more bitter? Allot more of a dark person. I get this opinion mostly because she still has her bandages on, which mean's her injury was fairly new, and I can say for a fact, most everyone would be angry in that case. But perhaps that just my take on it the whole situation.
And yeah, I should get a proof reader, but considering It's just me, and none of my friends even know about Katawa Shoujo, I can't exactly ask for help from any one :( Also I know I Should just be better at grammar, yet I'm not. Kinda a problem for a writer isn't it?

3: Anton: Yup it is short, mostly because my teacher was about to fucking kill me, so I had to end it kinda quickly.... Hahaha, no story telling in math class is the lesson I learned. XD
Favorite girls Rin=Lilly>Misha=Hanako=Emi>Shizune
Favorite Routes Lilly>Rin=Emi>Hanako>Shizune

INFP

User avatar
dewelar
Posts: 1228
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:09 pm
Location: The Fifth Thing

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by dewelar » Tue Nov 05, 2013 11:07 pm

Loeloe95 wrote:2: Mirage: Thank you, yeah see I thought would take a slightly more "real" approach to Miki. In my opinion at least, everyone seem's to use her as a prop, a funny person. Yet honestly wouldn't she be allot more bitter? Allot more of a dark person. I get this opinion mostly because she still has her bandages on, which mean's her injury was fairly new, and I can say for a fact, most everyone would be angry in that case. But perhaps that just my take on it the whole situation.
I like that quite a bit as a concept. She can put on a bit of a good face when she first meets someone (e.g., Hisao in the VN), but once she knows you her true self comes out (e.g., here). If I ever use Miki as a major character in one of my fics, I may have to steal that idea ;) .
Rin is orthogonal to everything.
Stuff I've written: Developments, a continuation of Lilly's (bad? neutral?) ending - COMPLETE!

Maradar
Posts: 29
Joined: Tue Aug 13, 2013 10:18 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Maradar » Wed Nov 06, 2013 12:22 am

This is good! It's quite different from the normal stuff on here and I'm quite looking forward to more. Keep up the good work!
Image
Image
Image

I have a minor arrhythmia and a couple of other heart conditions. Small world.
Also I love these forums.

User avatar
Loeloe95
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 1:10 am

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Loeloe95 » Wed Nov 06, 2013 3:02 am

Reply number two! The I still don't understand the quote system! (And it took me an hour to figure out the color font system!)

1: dewelar: Ohh go for it, steal away. I doubt I am the first to think of it. And I am honestly surprised more people didn't put two and two together. Having bandage's on you're injury doesn't mean you have been there for awhile. It mean's you are new, and if you are new and missing a limb, you are going to be bitter as all hell. She is a typical teenage girl, that just recently lost her hand. She is going to be slightly unhappy. XD

2: Maradar: Thank you very much kind sir *Bow's deeply* I may or may not use you're name as the basis for a character in the story.... I like the name Mara. XD
Favorite girls Rin=Lilly>Misha=Hanako=Emi>Shizune
Favorite Routes Lilly>Rin=Emi>Hanako>Shizune

INFP

User avatar
Comrade
Posts: 1248
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:29 am
Location: Micheal Levi's lyre is real good yo

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Comrade » Wed Nov 06, 2013 3:28 am

A Russian named Jericho?
:lol:
Is thatan actual name?
Founder and cheif librarian ofThe Yamaku Library, A Fan Fiction Archive
Vice president of the Yamaku Book Club
Sea wrote:Comrade, as Khan Bek has convinced me to give Democracy a try.
"French are just Spanish Germans, therefore Mexicans."
An American, 2014

Maradar
Posts: 29
Joined: Tue Aug 13, 2013 10:18 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Maradar » Wed Nov 06, 2013 3:28 am

Loeloe95 wrote:I may or may not use you're name as the basis for a character in the story.... I like the name Mara. XD
Whatever floats your boat man, feel free to do it!
Image
Image
Image

I have a minor arrhythmia and a couple of other heart conditions. Small world.
Also I love these forums.

User avatar
Loeloe95
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 1:10 am

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Loeloe95 » Wed Nov 06, 2013 3:40 am

Reply Part three. The Wow I really am bad with technology for a teenager... I am fucked when I get old.

1: Comrade: Nope not one bit. I like that name, so I wrote it, and I was like, whelp fuck, this isn't a Japanese name, what could it possibly be? Russian, screw it. The Russian's are a funny people, I am sure some people are named Jericho in Russia somewhere (hopefully) XD #JustRollWithIt

2: Maradar: Ohh I will, I like the name Mara, and it is now stuck in my head. Congrats you are now part of my creative process. XD
Favorite girls Rin=Lilly>Misha=Hanako=Emi>Shizune
Favorite Routes Lilly>Rin=Emi>Hanako>Shizune

INFP

User avatar
Comrade
Posts: 1248
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:29 am
Location: Micheal Levi's lyre is real good yo

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Comrade » Wed Nov 06, 2013 3:45 am

Founder and cheif librarian ofThe Yamaku Library, A Fan Fiction Archive
Vice president of the Yamaku Book Club
Sea wrote:Comrade, as Khan Bek has convinced me to give Democracy a try.
"French are just Spanish Germans, therefore Mexicans."
An American, 2014

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2830
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Oddball » Wed Nov 06, 2013 3:58 am

I get this opinion mostly because she still has her bandages on, which mean's her injury was fairly new, and I can say for a fact, most everyone would be angry in that case. But perhaps that just my take on it the whole situation.
I seem to recall them saying in the game that it wasn't a new injury. She just hasn't adjusted well to it.
and I can say for a fact, most everyone would be angry in that case.
Really now? Where exactly does this bit of research and/or experience come from?
Thank you, yeah see I thought would take a slightly more "real" approach to Miki.
No. Bad writer. BAD! Stop that! Get that idea out of your head right now! "Realistic" does NOT mean dark, depressing, bitter, or anything of the like. Positive and upbeat is every bit as "real" as bitter and depressed. I'm not saying that you can't have Miki being bitter and mean in your story, but don't get into the mindset that darkness is the same thing as maturity.

Other than that, I think you overuse the "Micro Cock" name far too often and your tendency to stick with two-line paragraphs proves quite distracting.
Last edited by Oddball on Wed Nov 06, 2013 4:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5992
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Restocked and Out of Order

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Nov 06, 2013 4:07 am

I thought would take a slightly more "real" approach to Miki. In my opinion at least, everyone seem's to use her as a prop, a funny person. Yet honestly wouldn't she be allot more bitter? Allot more of a dark person.
That approach is neither more real nor more realistic. It's simply different.

As for proofreading, there are plenty of people here on the forums who'd be happy to help you out. If you want me to do it, just send me a PM.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Post Reply