Akira Pseudo-Route [Complete!]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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nemz
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by nemz » Mon May 20, 2013 3:34 pm

A jerk? His motives are rather transparent of course, but he doesn't deny them so it's all out in the open.

Honestly Hisao was getting on my nerves this update for trying way too damn hard to play the roll of "nice, supportive and understanding guy." Mix that with obviously putting Akira on a pedestal, self-deprivation and more than a little obvious desperation? Yeah, he's really coming across as a committed beta.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Doloni
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by Doloni » Mon May 20, 2013 4:39 pm

carrion_crow wrote:I made sure to turn off my tv and lights while I read so I could get the full effect. Amazing as always.
Nice to know I'm not alone in that little ritual.
nemz wrote:Honestly Hisao was getting on my nerves this update for trying way too damn hard to play the roll of "nice, supportive and understanding guy."
Can't say I disagree, he does in my opinion make a lot of out of place remarks. But then again, no complaints about it if he manages to make Akira stay :)

Thanatos02 wrote:She's stopped short of opening it, however, as Hanako stands up and runs over, planting her face against Akira's shoulder as she wraps her in a hug.

Akira freezes for a moment before pulling Hanako even closer, rubbing her cheek against the shorter girl's hair for what feels like a solid minute.

“Ahh, I needed that.” She says with a soft voice as the two of them pull apart. She ruffles Hanako's hair, giving an amused chuckle at her reaction as Hanako's face floods with red once more.
I absolutely D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww'd at that. But shouldn't they be about the same height? I'm not certain about this, but I'd place Akira and Hankao at about the same height.


Loving every single update, I'm so glad you decided to write an Akira route (and made such a wonderful job of it).

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Gauldoth Half-Dead
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by Gauldoth Half-Dead » Mon May 20, 2013 4:46 pm

I'm going to bed now, and tomorrow is the day of my information technology finals. I'm glad to have read this before entering the fray. :3
To contribute a few letters, though - the story is still well written, the actions and conversations are realistic, they don't feel forced. The thing I really like about your story is how you avoid cliches like Hisao HNGH-ing, there is drama in it yet there is no DRAMA in it. I can't argue about Hisao being beta or a jerk, as my judgement of feels of this kind is rather clouded after some IRL events.
I may or may not edit this post tomorrow after I arrived home to include some of the possible flaws that I can't seem to remember now. I'm not even sure I found any, but I may be blinded by the fact that I wanted an Akira route since I first played the game, and I got one here.

All in all, Thanks for making this, and I hope writing it was as enjoyable as reading it has been for me. That's what counts.
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SwimmingInCloudland
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by SwimmingInCloudland » Mon May 20, 2013 5:58 pm

Been following this for a little while; possibly my favourite one here. Dimmed the lights, put on some jazz, got into it properly, and you sure as hell did not disappoint.
Hisao grew some serious stones in this route that he lacked in any others, as other people have said. This is a truly awesome piece of writing; you should be proud. I can rest easy 'til the next update :D
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YourFavAnon
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by YourFavAnon » Mon May 20, 2013 8:27 pm

I am absolutely pleased that you've made it this far without making them have sex, Thanatos. That's quite a massive amount of willpower after reading your other fictions such a long time ago. c:
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SerRodrik
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by SerRodrik » Mon May 20, 2013 8:52 pm

Well, this made for a very pleasant birthday present! Thank you as always for the updates, the story continues to be excellent. Also, the question of whether Akira and Lilly decide to move to Scotland was dealt with (at least for the near future) sooner in the story than I was expecting, which makes me very interested in where the story goes from here. In retrospect, it probably would have been too much of a retread of Lilly's route to leave that question hanging over the proceedings until the very end.

Keep up the good work!

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Sabin
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by Sabin » Mon May 20, 2013 8:59 pm

Hisao, you magnificent bastard.

He certainly isn't perfect in this story, but I find him far more likable than in the official routes. He's quite snarky and cynical, but not hopelessly so, and as has been stated, he's got some serious stones. And against the odds, he's convinced both Satou sisters to stay put and defy the head of the family, even if for just a while. Not something of small significance.

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Thanatos02
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by Thanatos02 » Mon May 20, 2013 9:51 pm

carrion_crow wrote:Just read this on you're pastebin. I made sure to turn off my tv and lights while I read so I could get the full effect. Amazing as always. Initially I felt like Hisao was being a total jerk, but now its actually hitting me how passionate he has become in you're fic. This chapter leaves so much room for the story. Addiction sated......for now lol
SwimmingInCloudland wrote:Been following this for a little while; possibly my favourite one here. Dimmed the lights, put on some jazz, got into it properly, and you sure as hell did not disappoint.
Hisao grew some serious stones in this route that he lacked in any others, as other people have said. This is a truly awesome piece of writing; you should be proud. I can rest easy 'til the next update :D
I can't say I've ever heard of someone getting that much into something I wrote, but I'm a little proud that it could have that effect on someone haha. While reading the VN, I always noted that Hisao was someone who was very often driven by passion, whether it be him chasing after Lilly to the airport or spending time in the atelier with Rin, and that's something I wanted to at least incorporate into his character. He is very much playing the "supportive best friend who happens to have a crush on her" role rather than the "feisty energetic teenager who knows he's the best and is ready to clear all the hurdles" part, which is also intentional. We'll see the shifting of these roles in act 5 as Hisao and Akira get closer now that there isn't a barrier between them.
Hoitash wrote:I have noticed that Hisao seems a lot more cynical in this route, but it makes sense since its based off the Act One end.
Definitely worth the wait :)
Working as intended, yay. I'd like to make the wait-time shorter, but every time I try to rush out the next chapter things happen. My absolute maximum barrier is a month. No more than a month between chapters if I can help it.
Doloni wrote:I absolutely D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww'd at that. But shouldn't they be about the same height? I'm not certain about this, but I'd place Akira and Hankao at about the same height.

Loving every single update, I'm so glad you decided to write an Akira route (and made such a wonderful job of it).
I figured Akira would have been maybe a centimeter or two taller, which wouldn't make much of a difference in retrospect. I'll play around with it in a bit, thanks for reading! I'm really glad that most of this has gone off without a hitch and I'm thankful for all the people that have made it possible.
Gauldoth Half-Dead wrote:I'm going to bed now, and tomorrow is the day of my information technology finals. I'm glad to have read this before entering the fray. :3
To contribute a few letters, though - the story is still well written, the actions and conversations are realistic, they don't feel forced. The thing I really like about your story is how you avoid cliches like Hisao HNGH-ing, there is drama in it yet there is no DRAMA in it. I can't argue about Hisao being beta or a jerk, as my judgement of feels of this kind is rather clouded after some IRL events.
I may or may not edit this post tomorrow after I arrived home to include some of the possible flaws that I can't seem to remember now. I'm not even sure I found any, but I may be blinded by the fact that I wanted an Akira route since I first played the game, and I got one here.
All in all, Thanks for making this, and I hope writing it was as enjoyable as reading it has been for me. That's what counts.
You'd be surprised to see how many potential disasters I've sidestepped in the process of writing this. In addition to Tetsuo being Gilgamesh, there was also a time where I planned for Hisao to go to Scotland WITH Akira and Lilly without being told that they were going to stay there on a permanent basis. Broke character in all manners possible, needless to say, which is why it got cut (in addition to being stupidly melodramatic.)
I've met some very wonderful people in the process of writing the Akira route, and I could honestly say it's changed my life, if only a little bit. I've had an amazing time writing this, both for myself and for everyone who reads it, and even though it may be a pain in the ass sometimes, I don't regret it even for a second.
YourFavAnon wrote:I am absolutely pleased that you've made it this far without making them have sex, Thanatos. That's quite a massive amount of willpower after reading your other fictions such a long time ago. c:
SOON.
There have been times where I've wanted to put the route on hiatus just to write a dozen lewd ideas that have been sitting in my head. Maybe someday they'll come to light. I try to fit things in wherever I can, like that Rin one I did a few months back or the Shizune birthday fic I did earlier this month. I started the route because I was bored of writing fapfics, but... yeah, my interest has been rekindled more than a few times. I still very much prefer this, however.
SerRodrik wrote:Well, this made for a very pleasant birthday present! Thank you as always for the updates, the story continues to be excellent. Also, the question of whether Akira and Lilly decide to move to Scotland was dealt with (at least for the near future) sooner in the story than I was expecting, which makes me very interested in where the story goes from here. In retrospect, it probably would have been too much of a retread of Lilly's route to leave that question hanging over the proceedings until the very end.

Keep up the good work!
Happy birthday! Mine's later this week, actually, on the 24th.
But certainly, I wanted to deal with the Scotland problem without it being the story's climax, and I even shamelessly piggybacked off of it in order to spark the remaining element of the story. Thanks for the compliments, and thank you for keeping up with the story!

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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by CaptainFalcon » Mon May 20, 2013 10:03 pm

What a fantastic thing to read after sleeping in quite late! (It's 12pm here on a Tuesday, was up at about 11.30am)
Fantastic as usual, well worth the wait, which was absolutely minimal compared to how amazing the latest chapter was. It was a nice way to wrap up act 4 and I look forward to act 5! Thank you for bringing such amazing work for us all to read

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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by BestTerribleApe » Tue May 21, 2013 3:55 am

My two cents:

A neat, fun pseudo-route, that's for sure. And yes, Hisao being more outspoken is a nice addition, though that could have painfully backfired.

Generally speaking, it seems that Hisao has been, to an extant, blessed by "some kind of divine forces" in this fanfiction. Nothing stretching too much the suspension of disbelief, but the story has developped in a direction inverse to that of every canon route. This time, it looks like Hisao managed to solve the two major conflicts before getting the girl.

Or has he? Things could certainly get awkward fast, now that Hisao can't simply be Akira's confident or occasional drinking buddy. Will the Master of Romance be up to the challenge?

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BlackWaltzTheThird
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Tue May 21, 2013 5:22 am

Thanatos02 wrote:We’ve been here for about ten minutes now
I always find prose in this form to be quite jarring. It's nearly fourth-wall breaking, as if the narrator is saying to the reader "hey, this is what you missed!" I would suggest writing in a form more akin to "It's only been ten minutes since we arrived..." I'm not sure if there's a name for the different phrasings, or if anyone else agrees... it's a gut feeling thing I get. Feel free to ignore it.
Thanatos02 wrote:a soft knocking on the bathroom door
I was a little confused at first, but I assume you're taking the shared bathrooms to connect two adjacent rooms? I don't think there's any official confirmation as to whether the bathrooms are like that or are separate at the end of each subhall, but both are used often in fan fiction, so it's not really of consequence.

Unrelated, but I've noticed frequent paragraphs spoken by the same person consecutively. In these instances, you should drop the closing quote off all but the last spoken sentence. For instance,

"blah blah blah.

"blah blah blah blah.

"blah blah," he said.
Thanatos02 wrote:“I've never met the man...in the first place.
As an inversion of my earlier point, you left out a closing quote here.

Now that those are dealt with, I'll say I enjoyed the closing chapter of Act 4. I found it amusing that the ending scene, with Akira walking away from Hisao and from Yamaku, comes as she decides not to leave Japan. I'm consistently surprised at how Hisao gets into these bars/clubs, given he is underage (and especially since I, being nearly two years overage, still get asked for ID), but I'm willing to suspend my disbelief and attribute it to his very much of age companion. Now that the immediate plot threads are tied up, I wonder where things will go from here. I trust you'll figure something out; you've been consistently doing so each chapter so far. Kudos.
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Carighan
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by Carighan » Tue May 21, 2013 5:00 pm

I really like this new part. And now that Akira is staying, we can totally get to the part where she gets Hisao smashed and he has to stay over again, right? :D
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by Hoitash » Tue May 21, 2013 7:13 pm

Carighan wrote:I really like this new part. And now that Akira is staying, we can totally get to the part where she gets Hisao smashed and he has to stay over again, right? :D
Now, now, we want him sober this time, so he can fully appreciate a woman with experience.
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neio
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by neio » Tue May 21, 2013 9:41 pm

This fic is really doing well.
SerRodrik wrote:Well, this made for a very pleasant birthday present!
You too? :D
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:Unrelated, but I've noticed frequent paragraphs spoken by the same person consecutively. In these instances, you should drop the closing quote off all but the last spoken sentence. For instance,

"blah blah blah.

"blah blah blah blah.

"blah blah," he said.
This^
For example, I noticed
I lay one hand on her back and gently rub from side to side, an action she doesn't seem to mind in the slightest. “Honestly, Akira, I want you to stay in Japan. At the very least give yourself some time to get everything back together.

“I mean, think about it. There's all the stress you already deal with, and then you have to pile even more on top of it. What happens once you get to Scotland with the parents you've barely spoken to in years, alongside a completely new position that dwarfs your old one?” I argue, trying not to come off as forceful. “Even if you're dead-set on going, at the very least give yourself some time. Don't you think you've done enough for one week?”
This probably doesn't even need to be split the way it is. If having two paragraphs during one person's speech is absolutely necessary, though, drop the red quote mark.
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Re: Akira Pseudo-Route [Updated as of 5/20]

Post by Triscuitable » Tue May 21, 2013 11:26 pm

Hoitash wrote:
Carighan wrote:I really like this new part. And now that Akira is staying, we can totally get to the part where she gets Hisao smashed and he has to stay over again, right? :D
Now, now, we want him sober this time, so he can fully appreciate a woman with experience.
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