Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Dawnstorm
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:34 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Sun May 19, 2013 1:49 pm

nemz wrote:It was the "play both sides at once" bit, along with "produced" and putting friend in quotes.
Not to mention a "bad" string of pronouns:
“Please, forgive her (Miya),” Ms Kitagawa says. “She (MIya) probably intended to sit this out. A little demonstration for me that she's (Miya) not all lonely. Last year she (Miya) produced a 'friend'. I liked her (Rin). Didn't even try to be anyone other than herself (Rin). I think she (Miya) may have overestimated her (Miya) ability to play both sides at once. When she's (Miya) out of her (Miya) depth, she (Miya) runs. That's just how she (Miya) is.”
I think the major difficulty here is that the second Rin-reference can easily be taken for yet another Miya reference, which gives the entire scene a different drive. I can definitely see your interpretation. The intended interpretation isn't impossible (as Bagheera demonstrates), but it definitely should be clearer.

User avatar
nemz
Posts: 531
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by nemz » Sun May 19, 2013 2:06 pm

That's too bad... I rather liked my wrong interpretation. 'The girl who cried Rin', so to speak, hinting at possibly a long history of mutually understood fictions with one truth sneaking in by accident. As intended it's significantly less interesting.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Dawnstorm
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:34 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Mon May 20, 2013 3:47 am

That's why I think an author's intention should matter to no-one but the author. (And maybe lawyers, in extreme cases.)

Dawnstorm
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:34 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Thu Aug 08, 2013 1:27 pm

For story-post navigation please refer to the index post.



Part 3

Confrontations with the Incubus (#3)


Always, always you run away. But you cannot run from me, my love. In and out, your breath goes. In and out. You run and run and run. The more you run, the deeper the breath you draw. Very soon now, my love, very soon.

“Cannot run from me,” eh? Don't wear his body as you this. Just don't.

But I am not he. You can run from him, my love. You did run from him. The breath you draw after running, so sweet! It is mine. Mine!

Breath fetishist! And in any case, I wasn't running from him. I was running from what I would have been, between him and Mum. You should know that.

And what, my love, is the difference? Even I have... transformed. And I am you.

You must know that I would have been in the way.

Oh? In the way? You want him to be your father? I take away your breath and leave your body in this bed, and the few people who fill up your life band together in grief. You are such a romantic, my love. Such a romantic.

Gah! Stop that shit. You just have to tease me, don't you?

Watch your language, my love. So unrefined. But, yes, I just have to tease you. It's what I'm for. That, and the... other thing. He and I, we are your angel of death.

Then go ahead and fulfill your role. My breath, was it?

Not yet, my love. Not yet.





Encounters #2: Tezuka Rin (First year, third month, in front of the infirmary, Ground floor)


Miyako

Rin

Ibarazaki
Nurse

Classmates

ACT Disorganised

A corridor. Chairs.

Morning

Miyako shuffling along the corridor, ignoring people and chairs. She sits down on the floor. Chairs creak across the floor.

Rin, already here. Also sitting on the ground.


Rin: …

Miyako: … You have no arms.

Rin: I know.

Miyako: I thought you would.

Rin: But how do you know?

Miyako: What?

Rin: How do you know I have no arms.

Miyako: Huh? Well, they're not there. Look. (She points.)

Rin: (Doesn't look.) I might have left them at home. Surgeons amputated them when I was little. They didn't give them back, but they could have. (She pauses.) I think, they didn't give them back. Maybe my parents have them.

Miyako: I doubt that.

Rin: Yeah, me too.

Miyako: …

Rin: What do they do with body parts they cut off? Maybe there's a special container where they put them. Maybe Emi's legs are there, too.

Miyako: And my mum's appendix.

Rin: …

Miyako: I can't tell if you're serious.

Rin: I really don't know what the doctors do with the body parts they cut off. They probably burn them. But that's not very interesting to imagine. (She pauses.) On second thought...

Miyako: I think they re-use them in the cantine.

Rin: I don't think so.

Miyako: That was a joke.

Rin: Oh. Was it funny?

Miyako: Moderately funny, I think. I didn't like the food they gave me in the hospital. That's why I made the joke.

Rin: …

Miyako: Come to think of it, why are they doing an annual check-up at all, here. I mean most, er many people are under medical surveillance, anyway. Waste of time.

Rin: …

Miyako: And then, rather than just having you line up, they send you into a room one by one. Privacy, I suppose. But why do have to do it on a special day, anyway. It makes no sense.

Rin: …

Miyako: You're not very interested in the motivation behind the annual check up, are you?

Rin: No.

Miyako: Am I talking too much?

Rin: I don't know. I've never found out how much you're supposed to talk. Sometimes they say I talk to little, and then they say I talk too much. I don't get it.

Miyako: What I meant to ask was: would you like me to talk less?

Rin: I don't care.

Miyako: (Stares at the floor, wall, ceiling in succession) I'm talking because I'm bored.

Rin: Are you less bored when you talk?

Miyako: It's hard to tell. You don't like talking?

Rin: Talking makes me want to stop talking. There aren't enough words, and the words that there are don't mean what I want them to. I have to choose the words very carefully, and then I have to explain what I mean, and what I don't mean but could have meant. And that leads to even more words. It's very exhausting.

Miyako: So you want to be understood?

Rin: Yes. Don't you?

Miyako: I've given up.

Rin: (Her eyes widen. She looks at Miyako.) Really? But isn't that sad?

Miyako: Not particularly. I mean, I don't even understand myself. The best moments in life come when you don't worry about that sort of thing. (She pauses.) Well, that's the theory.

The infirmary door opens. Enter Nurse, Ibarazaki.

Nurse: Ougata.

A classmate gets up and enters the infirmary.

Ibarazaki: (starts walking towards Rin, notices Miyako, and stops.) Oh... you're... talking?

Rin: We're trying not to be bored.

Ibarazaki: Does it work?

Rin: No. Trying not be bored is boring.

Ibarazaki: Well, that's... (sideways glance at Miyako) nice. Or maybe not. But, anyway, since I'm done here, I'm going to run a few rounds. See you.

Exit Ibarazaki.

Rin: You didn't talk to Emi.

Miyako: I didn't want to. She didn't look like she wanted to talk to me, either.

Rin: Did I look like I wanted to talk to you?

Miyako: No. But neither did you look like you wanted to avoid talking to me. That's good enough.

Rin: It is?

Miyako: Yeah. I think many people don't really want to talk. They just want to avoid silence.

Rin: …

Miyako: I'm sorry, I don't think I want to talk any more.

Rin: (Looks at Miyako)

Miyako: (Looks at Rin. Her mouth twitches.)

Rin: …

Miyako: (Finally looks away)
Last edited by Dawnstorm on Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:43 am, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5981
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Aug 08, 2013 2:33 pm

Does that mean you're discontinuing the story and are just posting your remaining notes?
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Dawnstorm
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:34 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Thu Aug 08, 2013 4:53 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Does that mean you're discontinuing the story and are just posting your remaining notes?
Nope; everything's as it's supposed to be (though I admit it could have been better; one of the reason it took me so long to post is that wasn't exactly excited to edit and post this). In print, I'd be playing around with the layout, to make it more obvious, but the style of the second part is supposed to be drama rather than prose (a trackback to the mention of "Waiting for Godot", and a sort of meta-comment on "Miya-Rin". It doesn't quite work out the way I want to, but I need to put this out there now, to move on.)

Next scene is back to normal.

(Aside:I don't have notes; it's all in my head.)

User avatar
Mahorfeus
Posts: 683
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:16 pm

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Mahorfeus » Thu Aug 08, 2013 6:20 pm

The change in style caught me off guard a bit, but I figured it had something to do with the play somehow. At least, thematically. I admit that I had a bit of kneejerk reaction to the way it was scripted due to some prior reading experiences, but since it was a stylistic choice, I guess it was okay? It does look like it could use a bit of clean-up here and there.

Format aside, it was really nice to see Miya and Rin interacting again. They complement each other rather well, and not just because they magically understand one another. I still hesitate to call it a friendship though. It's weird.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
The verdict is (finally) in:
Hanako > Rin > Emi > Lilly = Shizune

User avatar
nemz
Posts: 531
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by nemz » Thu Aug 08, 2013 6:27 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:Does that mean you're discontinuing the story and are just posting your remaining notes?
Seems like more of an interlude to me.

Also, Rin being so obviously concerned that someone has given up being understood is a simple but profound moment and I'm irrationally angry at Emi for interrupting.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Silentcook
Carelessly Cooking You
Posts: 2522
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:22 am
Location: Imola, Italy

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Silentcook » Thu Aug 08, 2013 7:24 pm

It kind of looks like the forums are suddenly suffering from formatting problems. At least, I have seen multiple instances of that.

This piece suffers extra because of the unconventional delivery. For instance, I assume you didn't mean to write this quote just this way? Because that's the way it visualizes for me.
Oh? In the way? You want him to be your father? I take away your breath and leave your body in this bed, and the few people who fill up your life band together in grief. You are such a romantic, my love. Such a romantic.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

Image

Dawnstorm
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:34 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:42 am

Silentcook wrote:This piece suffers extra because of the unconventional delivery. For instance, I assume you didn't mean to write this quote just this way? Because that's the way it visualizes for me.
Oh? In the way? You want him to be your father? I take away your breath and leave your body in this bed, and the few people who fill up your life band together in grief. You are such a romantic, my love. Such a romantic.
That's... odd. Part of it is my mistake: I mixed up an opening tag with a closing tag. But I just edited my post to correct this, and now I'm looking at the code in your quote and one of the tags seems to have randomly moved (in your quote box, but not in my original post).

As it is, I am responsible for, at least, this formatting problem. And I didn't really try to hard to make this optically more pleasing (I should have played around with indents, centering, and maybe font-sizes).
Mahorfeus wrote:The change in style caught me off guard a bit, but I figured it had something to do with the play somehow. At least, thematically. I admit that I had a bit of kneejerk reaction to the way it was scripted due to some prior reading experiences, but since it was a stylistic choice, I guess it was okay? It does look like it could use a bit of clean-up here and there.
Sometimes, stylistic choices work, and sometimes they don't. You never know until you try. That I was so hesitant in posting this is also telling. I could maybe try to make it work; there may still be merit in the basic concept; but, personally, I'm leaning towards tagging this scene with a question mark for the (hypothetical) editing phase.
I still hesitate to call it a friendship though. It's weird.
Heh, at least this comes through.

One thing that the "play-approach" has going for it is that we're in nobody's point of view. And interestingly it doesn't make much of a difference. The scene wouldn't be much different (aside from the language and some minor interior reactions) if we were prone to either of their points of view.
nemz wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:Does that mean you're discontinuing the story and are just posting your remaining notes?
Seems like more of an interlude to me.
Quite. It's one of two "Encounters".

I notice I haven't been consistent with formatting headers for the non-numbered sections, and it's really, really bad here, since you can't tell the headers from the text by just looking. I think I can fix that up at least.
Also, Rin being so obviously concerned that someone has given up being understood is a simple but profound moment and I'm irrationally angry at Emi for interrupting.
Heh.

Dawnstorm
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:34 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Dawnstorm » Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:26 am

For story-post navigation please refer to the index post.


III.1. The Depth of her Loneliness

On his way to the rooftop Hisao finds an open door. Only one more flight of stairs, and he would have reached the rooftop, the weekly lunch with Emi and Rin. The door isn't really open, not in the sense that you can see what's inside, but it hasn't quite clicked shut. No key sticks in the lock. There is no sign on the door to tell Hisao what sort of room it is. Hisao moves towards the door, intending to push it shut, but pauses. What if he traps someone inside? He opens the door and blinks. The window is open, and for a moment the sunlight blinds him. He looks away from the window banishing a flurry of purple spots. What he sees surprises him.

Costumes. Boxes. A plastic sword, a cat plushy. Before he knows it, his breath goes shallow. Something else. There is something else he has seen but which hasn't quite registered yet. He closes his eyes, moves his head towards the window, opens them again. The figure by the window could have been a statue. Normally, people react when you enter the room.

But not Miya. He hasn't seen her since the weekend. He's been wondering what she was up to, but her sudden disappearance hadn't surprised him. Well, now here she is. And, by the looks of it, the drama club.

“They said there is no drama club.”

Still no reaction. Hisao feels slightly embarrassed for saying such a silly thing. There could have been a drama club in the past. Maybe this room is there, just in case a class decides to stage a play during the festival. Hisao tries to remember whether there was one at the festival and fails.

“Do you come here often?” he asks and takes a cautious step forward. Still, Miya doesn't react. He stops, waits, but nothing happens. Another few steps forward. Eventually, he finds himself standing just behind Miya, who stands at the side of the window looking down. He looks over her shoulder. What does she see? There is nothing but pavement, and the occasional student. Nothing at all.

“Who do you think cleans the pavement?” A whisper so low, Hisao considers that he might have misheard. An odd question.

“Who cleans the school grounds?” she continues. “I remember seeing gardeners at work. But I don't recall anyone doing the pavement. It's not something you pay attention to, is it? People cleaning the path.”

What is she getting at? “I... I can't remember, to be honest.”

“Somebody's keeping the pavement clean,” she says. Her voice gains volume, but it remains oddly flat. “It's a thankless job. I bet it doesn't even pay well.”

Hisao looks at the pavement, trying to figure out whether it looked particularly clean. To him, it looks like a pavement. Perhaps, that's the point? He doesn't think, “What a filthy pavement.” And so all is well. It's someone's effort, but nobody notices.

“I can climb up onto to the sill,” Miya says, suddenly. “And then I just need to lean forward. Falling has a sense of giving yourself over. Air streams past you, and then?”

Miya?

“I always imagine myself falling head first. Impact? You know, when someone pokes your eyes and you see those tiny explosion of lights? I imagine impact something like that. An explosion of light. You've been falling, connecting with nothing, and then: bang, the ground. An explosion of light. Oh, and pain, hopefully not for very long.”

She's not going to jump? She isn't, is she?

“Or maybe, it's more like an upper cut. Only one that shatters your jaw and jerks your neck back. The ultimate toothache. Imagine that. Again, if you survive for even a minute that must be agony.”

Hisao doesn't want to imagine it. “Miya?”

“And then the falling me vanishes, and I'm still up here, and I look down at the imaginary mess imaginary me leaves behind. Someone has to clean me up. Before that, someone will find my body. Oh sure, there are experts here. Some medic will cart off my body. Sometimes people die, here, don't they? They'll be used to taking away bodies. It's part of why I'm here: so it's not my mum who will find me. But on the pavement? Inconveniencing everyone?” She turns around, examines Hisao. She seems so slow, today. Her eyes look... gentle? “I'm not going to jump,” she says. “Suicide fantasies calm me. Or used to.”

“Suicide... fantasies?” Hisao repeats the words, not really understanding. She says she's not going to jump...

Miya smiles a very weak smile. Then she turns back to the window, staring down. “The problem is that I don't know when to stop. I should stop with dying, but I just can't. When they cart away my body, I'll leave stuff behind. Blood, maybe a crunchy mess of bone and tissue. Somebody has to clean that away, too. Who? Medical personnel? The regular cleaners?” She exhales, a sound of deep frustration, halfway between a sigh and a grunt. “People are a pain.”

Hisao has nothing to say. Four words, and so much venom in her voice.

There is a moment of silence. Perhaps, only Hisao finds it awkward. Right now, he cannot read Miya at all. Which is a strange thing to think, as it implies that he does, at other times, know how to read her. If so, he hasn't noticed.

“It's uncomfortable to see me like this,” Miya says, in that slow measured voice of hers. “but you're here, and you can't just leave. You want to, but at the same time, there's something keeping you back.”

Is that true? It probably is. What Hisao feels right now is some diffuse sort of helplessness. Miya might have found a way to describe it.

“It's the same back and forth. I don't want to see you, but there's no way we can just pass each other now, is there? We're past that point. What is there left to do?”

People are a pain. She's in one of those moods, and he's stumbled upon her. In a way, it feels like a reprise of the day they first met. The dawn thief she called him, back then. And now here he is stealing her drama club. It feels like that day, only less aggressive, and more bitter.

“Left to... do?” Hisao repeats. He should be on the roof, with Emi and Rin. It's the right thing to think, it's the wrong thing to think.

Do something. Something. Anything. Instinctively, Hisao reaches into the pocket of his uniform and produces the folded piece of paper he's been carrying around. The photocopy of the newspaper article Miya's mum had given him. Of course, he'd always carry it around. He can never know when he'd meet her. She appears and that is that.

He offers the paper to her back. She ignores him so long he starts to feel foolish, but then she turns. She takes the paper from his hand, unfolds it, reads it. She folds it up again, hands it back to him. “Bad timing.”

“That's all?” It isn't easy for him, but she doesn't realise that. No, of course she realises, but she doesn't care. No, that's not it either. She doesn't... acknowledge it.

“It's the people who care I can deal with the least,” she says.

Then why did she take him to see her mother? What was the point. “That's...” he starts, but stops himself and takes a deep breath. Frustration is turning into anger. He can't afford anger. “Don't you want friends? Don't you...”

“Gah!” It's a hiss, like a cornered cat. Before Hisao can react, she is past him. He doesn't manage to turn around before the door slams. For a while, he stares at the closed door. He isn't locked in, is he? Well, he has his cell phone.

He turns back to the window. There is a clearly visible dust line on each side of the window, presumably where Miya has stopped cleaning. But there is also a finer, less visible dust line, just an inch closer to the window. She has been here before. Hisao runs his index finger across the newer dust line, then stares at the dust that has gathered on his finger. Then he looks around, once again. He notices boxes, lots of boxes. This room has been unused for a while now. Who cleans this room? Why, Miya does. Hisao grimaces. If things go on like this, nothing will ever change. Suicide fantasies? Hisao is beginning to understand: It's the desire to retreat. That much they have in common. It's how they met in the first place, back on that day in the morning mist. Running away. But there is nowhere to run. When have Miya's suicide fantasies stopped working? When has she started to think of the consequences of death? Of the people who will have to clean her away? With the start of her condition? Earlier?

People are a pain. They won't even leave your leave your death alone. The depth of her loneliness frightens him. Any new friendship, maybe even less than that, any sort of attention... it all defaults to some sort of pressure, a duty to behave, to act, to pretend...

Things can't go on like this. But he cannot change her. Who can?

But she has changed him, hasn't she? He rummages in his bag for his phone, finds it. He holds it at arm length out of the window. A good, strong signal. He thumbs through his contacts. So short. So many deleted, recently. Before he knows it, he has the phone dial his home number.

A series of dial tones, and then: “Hicchan?”

“Mum?”

“Is- Did something happen?”

“Nothing. I just realised that I've always left the calling to you. My turn. Is it a bad time?”

“No. It's fine.”

“This weekend I met a friend's mother. It made me realise... Well, I still wish you had asked me before sending me here, but... I understand. I wasn't at my best behaviour, was I?”

“Hicchan...”

“Tell Dad I'll be all right.”

“I will.”

And because he has nothing else to say, he mutters some greetings and hangs up. It's the people who care who I can deal with the least. Not really. Miya is wrong. If they will worry about you anyway, you just reach out and include them. It's so easy to forget. The person hardest to deal with is yourself.
Last edited by Dawnstorm on Tue Sep 10, 2013 10:18 pm, edited 3 times in total.

User avatar
Joonwoo
Posts: 30
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 4:39 pm
Location: Santa Barbara
Contact:

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Joonwoo » Tue Sep 10, 2013 5:48 am

Oh god yes an update. Will post a more detailed review later but for now, YES.
Narcolepsy without the cataplexy. Tired but no random fainting. I made it, so can you.

User avatar
nemz
Posts: 531
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by nemz » Tue Sep 10, 2013 6:16 am

I'm happy to see an update, though this update doesn't make me at all happy.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5981
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Sep 10, 2013 8:58 am

Sorry, can't read it as it is. Please fix tenses, and I might try again.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

Bagheera
Posts: 292
Joined: Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:53 pm

Re: Meanwhile I wait [Hisao x original character]

Post by Bagheera » Tue Sep 10, 2013 9:04 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:Sorry, can't read it as it is. Please fix tenses, and I might try again.
It's present tense, it's always been like that.

Glad to see an update, but I'm waiting for them to sit down and have an actual conversation.
Girls: Emi = Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Shizune = Rin
Routes: Rin = Shizune > Emi > Lilly = Hanako


Post Reply