Feeling strange... (Hanako Feedback)

[Arco]

First of all, I'll like to salute you all, and congratulate 4ls for such a piece of art!
I downloaded the game about 3 days ago, and already completed Hanako's Arc yesterday, all of it's endings
The amount of feelings I experienced (which by the way, I still can't manage to get off my chest) are far beyond explainable
I don't know how to put this... I feel utterly sad and emotional, but glad at the same time
When I just started the game, I definitely choose to try off firstly with Hanko without a second thought. Maybe because I deduced it was going to be a tender history because of her being so shy, or the fact that her hair reminds a lot of my best female friend, but I just did it.
I never realized that I would find myself so ridiculously identified by her, but it’s just that her problems are like an amplified version of mines
I'll proceed to explain it:

I had a very nice childhood, quite normal I guess, but I resemble the first years of my adolescence as the worst of my life. It was a time of constant loss: For some reason, all of my best friends started to move out (I live in a city that is well known in my country for being something like a reunion point for unemployed persons. Because of oil production, it has been growing for decades, jobs are amazingly abundant, you certainly have to be useless if you can't get one here. Given that, the population is made mostly of foreign people, so it's pretty common for them to get back to their real homes after making some bucks). It was a little shocking how I found myself without any friends in a blink of an eye, but I didn't see that as a big problem, I was confident with myself, and thought that I would make some at my new school. I found that my new partners were a bunch of idiots, and only socialized a bit with them just to not get bored all the time. I had some hope when I met a wonderful (or at least I felt she was that way back then) girl at my english institute. It was the first time I felt love, a big crush regardless my premature age and lack of maturity. After a couple of months, she became my only close friend. One day, she told me she was leaving the institute because of some economical and family problems. I felt that any chance with her would be lost, since we didn't hang out very often because of our different schedules, leaving the institute as our only way of having fun together (we rarely did any work). Somehow, I thought that it was the right time to tell her how I felt, so after leaving the institute on her last day, I asked if we could have a little chat. It was snowing if I recall correctly, we sat alone in a bench under some trees, and I told her everything. ...She didn't feel the same way, and I ended up losing the only friend I had.
After that, she would keep calling me to hang out, or jam some songs at her place, but I kept rejecting her invitations until she ceased. I thought that looking at her face would make things even worse.
A month later, my grandmother fell gravely Ill. She had some valuable possessions, so a huge family feud had place. The town she lived on is about 1.300 kilometers away (I was born there, but I moved to my actual one when I was eight due to a work offer for my dad). My dad did the impossible (taking in mind the distance) to make sure that his sisters were taking good care of their mother, but the only thing they cared about was to get the biggest benefit as possible when her final moment came
Whenever I heard my family talk about my grandma, I would lock myself in my room, and wonder how could it be possible that a loved one was almost left to die, just because of money
I found out that running away from people, and locking myself up was pleasing. I started to love being isolated, I didn't have to mind being hurt by someone or losing a friend or anything, it was just me, my guitar, my music
A whole year passed by, without any friends, I spent it in my room almost entirely
My love for loneliness fade away, I was feeling sick of it. My parents did notice it, and sent me to a psychologist, but it was kind of late
I had a drastic change of personality, even if I was willing to make some human contact, that whole year locked up obliterated my confidence and social abilities. I turned into an scared unfunny guy (quite the opposite I was before everything passed), who couldn't pull out a joke, have at least a small talk, or anything
It took me another year and half to recover, and get back to my normal self, to beat my own self, my fears, the fear to people. At that time, my adolescence was almost ending, but I managed to make a bunch of close friends, and fell in love again, but guess what? this time it was a mutual thing: my confession was welcomed with my very first kiss
Today, I'm a 19 years old guy, an excellent university student, I still have those friends, some new ones even, managed to canalize my musical talent on a band, and I share a pure love with the very same girl I started dating years ago. I'm completely happy, and those times are just a bad memory, my brighter days are still up ahead. I'm very extroverted, always trying to make my friends laugh and such, if I don't accomplish it I'm just like "f**k you, I'm just trying to have a blast" and laugh

Maybe you now understand why I feel so attached to Hanako
(SPOILER, DO NOT GO THROUGH HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED YET)
While I was playing, I just felt like if she was a female version of my past-self, of my troubled past, but only a little bit older (I recovered at 17, she did at 18). Sure, while she had these anti-social characteristics for about 10 years plus a very traumatic accident, I only had them for about 2 years and half. Every scene, every phrase she managed to pull out, the little progress, those little steps she seemed to make, they were all heart-touching for me, it was both tender and painful knowing that I went through some similar hard times

After a day of playing, I'm not quite sure where I left, but it was after the beginning of act 2. After that moment, whenever I see the cinematic of that act: I cry. I can't help it, I can't get rid of this estrange feeling that raises on me when I watch it and listen to that damn piano. Sometimes while watching it, I imagine myself and my girlfriend in the same cinematic, only that it’s reversed. She meant to me what Hisao meant to Hanako. She was the trigger for bringing me back to who I really am

The following day, I cried again when Lilly huged her on her birthday (on mines, while in that troubled time, I would spend them alone testing out whatever my parents gave me as a present. Nowadays I can at least count with a bunch of hugs from my girl, and that's enough for me to make my day), and some other occasions

This Saturday, I got to my first ending. It was the neutral one. There's something that exploded into my face. Hanako and Hisao play a chess game, and then, he makes an analogy comparing their friendship with their way of playing. He would always make the first move, and Hanako will follow. Every action she did, was always going to be a reaction to something he did before, never having the will to take the initiative
Back then, after a couple of sessions, my psychologist asked me to play chess a few times
I always ended up loosing to her. She explained why, and told me that my way of encouraging life is the same as my manner of playing chess. When playing chess, I make hundreds and hundreds of plans, a million of ways to dust my opponent out of existence, but I always forget that said opponent is playing too. Sometimes I spent like 5 minutes to plan a single move, then she moved a pawn, and my whole plan was shattered into pieces, making me curse madly. I tend to forget about my surroundings. I can't just rely everything on myself, stuff sometimes happens at random, there are other people beside me that are able to make great moves, but other times they fail, I can't just plan a whole event, or even my whole life as I tend to do, because there is no perfect plan, my plans will find problems and challenges at certain points, and I just can't avoid them, I have to fight through 'em, that's my main defect.
I know that it doesn't have much to do, but the fact that they made a chess analogy, having one that describes my personality, made it perfect, and distracted me from the fact that it ended so abruptly, and ended up loving it

Then I looked for a walkthrough to unlock the good ending
Then I realized why I got the neutral ending. I teased Hanako way too much, believing that this game would follow the logic as cheaper visual novels where you just had to insist, that impressed me.
I disliked the sex scene. At first I thought It was going to be a beautiful moment when she showed her scars, and then I was like "ok, please don't turn your back, put your bra on again and let Hisao thank your suddenly amazing confidence... no!!... NO!!... GET YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!!... THE HECK? HE IS A VIRGIN!, WHY WOULD HE CARRY A CONDOM!?"
But at least, the ending was satisfying, and once more I helplessly cried, 'cause once again: I felt like it was a reflect of myself, looking at her being able to do such a thing like kissing in public someone she loved, finally outcoming his fears, reminded of me when I achieved the same thing

Now is one day after it is finally over, I'm kind of sad, anxious, depressed, and sort of happy too, something I can't put my finger on
I played other visual novels, but left before completing 20%, they always ended up boring me. I never believed such a thing would be able to affect the way I feel on a regular day. My mind has been set on this history for 3 days now, and will probably stay longer
Whenever I open the game again, and listen to that sophisticated yet sad piano intro melody, while seeing those little images of every act from Hanako's arc, I start crying again, it happens every time
Can't really tell why. Maybe I'm subconsciously frustrated, because I want Hanako to actually exist and being able to give her a hand (ain't quite sure), or maybe the fact that her well-ending history is a constant reminder of my overcame past touches me. It could be that I'm just willing for a continue. It hurts me to feel this way, but I’m glad I feel this way regardlessly
This may sound really weird, but I’m actually making a technical thrash metal song about her to try and canalize this feeling (my own way of letting out things, I guess)

Well, that’s all, I hope that someone actually reads the whole thing. I just wanted to let you know how many things this history has made me feel and think, and give you guys a huge “Thank you!!”, and see if anyone else feels the same way

With nothing more to say, I apologize for any possible grammar error. Please take in mind I’m Argentinean, my English is a little oxidized
Regards!

[durhal]

I know exactly how you feel, because it touched me in the same way.
It wasn't until the cut scene of Act 2 that it started affecting me. It's been a week since I finished it, and really I can't stop thinking about her.
It's probably because I can relate to her so much, not about the scars, and her family. But how she feels, what she does when she can't take it anymore. I do the same.
I managed to get the good ending, and I cried, cried because I was happy.
I suppose I really wish that I could find someone like Hanako, someone like me.
But yeah I digress
Your English is actually quite good!
And thank you 4LS, for making such a good game, that's touched so many people, and affected their outlook on life!

[ThistlewickVII]

I feel the same way. It really seems like 4LS touched a nerve with Hanako.
When I was playing through the game, every single thing she did I could relate to.
The way she progressed through life really struck a chord with me,
and seeing the main chatacter put her in those awkward positions really made me cringe.
I'm happy that in the end, she continues to move forward and find happiness.
Whenever I'm in times of trouble I will remember this beautiful story and think of her and how she changed.