Katawa shoujo Generations

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HITK220
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by HITK220 » Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:23 pm

Ahh wow thank you wish I knew about that before.

Silentcook
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by Silentcook » Sat Dec 20, 2014 6:11 am

HITK220 wrote:Ahh wow thank you wish I knew about that before.
It's called research :p. Also I have no idea whether that's supposed to be a name or surname since I barely skimmed here and there, but here's the first thing that came to mind when I read about it.
Shattering your dreams since '94.

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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:07 am

Would have commented sooner but, you know, Dragon Age 3. Anyways, I enjoyed it. I agree, the pace does seems pretty fast, but if you have a reason for it I'l trust its a good one. Looking forward to more!
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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brythain
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by brythain » Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:11 am

Silentcook wrote:
HITK220 wrote:Ahh wow thank you wish I knew about that before.
It's called research :p. Also I have no idea whether that's supposed to be a name or surname since I barely skimmed here and there, but here's the first thing that came to mind when I read about it.
The post I remember most vividly from when I first came here and was reading through the writing guide was this one.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

HITK220
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by HITK220 » Sat Dec 20, 2014 12:15 pm

It's called research :p.
Haha I would of done some research had i know the surname I had came up with wasn't very good. But now that I know I will definitely be using that.

Is the surname for Yuki good, or would you recommend I change it

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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:03 pm

Silentcook wrote:Also I have no idea whether that's supposed to be a name or surname since I barely skimmed here and there, but here's the first thing that came to mind when I read about it.
Yeah, that's why I asked whether it was supposed to be some kind of joke…
Is the surname for Yuki good, or would you recommend I change it?
Well, "Kazemana" is not a name I've ever heard before, but at least it sounds like it might be a Japanese name.
"Kaze" is a common Japanese word, and it is conceivable that it would be used in names. It's written 風 and means "wind".
"Mana"...
Researching...
...
...

The only fit I found for "mana", though, is a little-used reading of 学 (to learn, to study) but in 9 out of 10 cases it is read "gaku". Looking up "ma" and "na" seperately yields more results, but they all seem to be second or third readings of their respective kanji.
So if you ask my opinion as a non-fluent Japanese speaker I'd say the name is possible but not really likely. It's definitely not something I'd complain about in a fanfiction.
If you looked through the links I posted you'll find that lot's of Japanese names end in "yama" (mountain), "kawa/gawa" (river), da (field) or shima (island), so if youwant to change it anyway but like to keep the "kaze" part, you might want to use a combination with one of those.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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HITK220
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by HITK220 » Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:42 pm

If you looked through the links I posted you'll find that lot's of Japanese names end in "yama" (mountain), "kawa/gawa" (river), da (field) or shima (island), so if youwant to change it anyway but like to keep the "kaze" part, you might want to use a combination with one of those.
Ok thank you for that I will be making that change and will update what I have already posted as soon as I can, I guess I should of done more research on Japanese surnames, I kinda just went with what sounded good to me (Yeah I know stupid), and luckily you wonderful people were kind about telling me i kinda made a mistake. I hope that I can avoid any mistakes such as that.

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Katawa shoujo Generations (2)

Post by HITK220 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 9:20 pm

Welcome back readers to the next installment of Katawa Shoujo Generations
One of the things you will notice is there are several choices in this part and the next, this is because at some point once I have finished this first rout I plan on adding on and making more. 1 route I definitely want to create and that is one for Natsume, but enough about works that have yet to be started and on to the task at hand. I hope you all enjoy and as with the last part please feel free to give me any and all input positive or negative.

*Morning Dew*

I walk up the two flights of stairs to my floor and down the halls to find my dorm room. Even at this hour, I can still hear a faint sound coming from my neighbor's room. It sounds like a mix of gunfire and explosions; must be some action movie. I enter my room to see where I’ll be living for the school year. The room itself seems bare. The walls are a plain white, the carpet is a light brown, and the curtains are an ugly yellow. I don’t really care much about how my room looks, what I care about right now is putting away all my belongings. I put my clothes in the closet, and there isn’t much else left other than my medication. I down my daily dose of drugs, and lay back on my bed.

I lay like this for a while, thinking about nothing specific, just letting my mind wander around. I give up on sleep after several hours; I guess that nap on the roof was enough for one day. I smile, thinking back on my day and how stupid I had been to worry about being an outcast just for coming to the school late. I get up and walk over to my curtains, throwing them open; the sky is slowly getting brighter. “Well, since I can’t sleep, I might as well take a walk around the grounds.”

I grab my jacket and shoes, and walk out the dorms and into the common room. As I had expected, there isn’t a soul to be seen. I walk out the doors and towards the garden Kari told me about. The scenery is nice and the air has a nice refreshing chill to it. I walk around the grounds for another hour or so. To my surprise, I start seeing a small amount of students wandering down to the track or over to the auxiliary building to swim, if I had to make a guess. It's odd seeing people up so early even on their days off, but then again so am I. I admire the dedication, but don’t think I could make a habit out of it myself; I’m only up because I can’t sleep.

I decide to check out the gardens again; now that the sun is up, I probably can get a better view. I notice a few things as I walk through the garden. The grass and everything else seems to be very well taken care of, the sun reflecting off the morning dew looks pretty, and there is a girl laying in the grass a few feet to my right. When I walk up next to her, I see its Natsume. I kneel next to her and tap her on the shoulder a few times; I try calling her name, but she really is out. I can’t leave her here; it’s definitely not a good idea to let her sleep in the wet grass. What should I do?


>>Get her to the dorms
Leave her

I decide to be a gentleman and get her back to the dorms, since they aren’t far away. I try a few more times in vain to wake her. Once it becomes obvious she won't be getting up, I put my arm under her legs and one under her back and lift her up. Once I’m sure I won’t drop her, I start my walk back to the dorms. I get the occasional glance, but once they see who it is in my arms they look away; this must happen a lot. I make it back to the split between the dorms, where I carry her into the girls’ dorm and lay her on the couch of the common room. No one else is in the room with me, so when I hear a voice from behind me, I almost jump out of my skin. “I thought I told you to stay away from her?” Kari’s voice sounds more questioning than threatening

“What type of guy would I be if I left her out in the park, where some creep could find her?” I smirk and her questioning glance turns to a smile

“If she was out in the parks, she was probably there for a while.” She looks slightly concerned, placing a hand on her friend’s forehead.

“Why’s that?” I’m not sure why she would assume she had been out there for a while; I could have passed her on my first lap because the sun wasn’t up, but there is only one way to know, and that’s to wait for Natsume or Kari to answer.

“The same reason she would even bother being up this early.” She pauses, but continues when she sees how lost I must look, “It’s because she gets insomnia some nights, and sometimes even for a week or so at a time. It can get rough, so she will start to just wander around to wear herself out if she gets really desperate, and as you can see,” she points to the sleeping Natsume, “sometimes it works too well.”

“I hope she wasn’t out there too long; the chill itself wasn't bad, but laying in the grass has her soaked. I hope she won’t get sick.” I look up at Kari, who is giving me a reassuring smile; I can’t help but smile back.

“She will be fine; this isn’t her first time being dragged back here at the break of dawn.” Her smile fades for a moment before it comes back, just as reassuring as before. “Although, typically people will text or call me, and I’ll be the one who gets her back here.”

“Oh, so I should of got you?” I hope I didn't do something stupid.

“Nah, you are fine. I think she will be thankful that you got her back here.” She winks, “As long as you didn’t drop her on your way here.”

I smile, “Only once or twice.”

“That’s not funny.” Her words try to be angry, but she giggles and it’s gone.

She starts towards the door, and I follow. “Will she be ok here by herself?”

She winks at me, “As long as no creeps who like to watch sleepy girls shows up.”

I glare at her, but she just smiles. “If you fall asleep again, I’ll leave you there all night.”

“You fell asleep too,” she says, and sticks her tongue out at me.

*Touring the Town*

I smile, and give up the argument. We walk out to the front gate in silence, but as we get onto the road down to the little town, Kari speaks up, “I don’t mind the silence as much as the next person,” she glances over at me, “but this is a long walk, and it will go by faster if we talk.”

“Ok, how about we play twenty questions?” I’m just throwing out the first idea that comes to me.

“Sure, but keep your questions clean.” I had no dirty intentions but the thought has made the blood rush to me face, she jabs me in the side “You were thinking that weren't you?”

Shit. “The thought hadn’t crossed my mind till you brought it up.”

“Suurrrreee.” The sarcasm is thick enough to feel it in the air.

“You must have something to hide if you’re that worried.”

“Fine then, everything goes. BUT,” she pauses. I don’t like where this is going. “The loser has to buy lunch.”

“That’s fine with me, but how do you lose?”

“If you won’t answer a question asked.” She smirks like she has already won.

“Works for me; you can start.”

“I’ll go easy on you to start; what was your old school like?”

“That’s boring. I spent most days by myself reading in the library or when I got the chance to hang out with someone, it was always two of my friends and I going to the arcade or studying. We never really did much outside of our normal routine.”

Her smile is wistful, almost like she is thinking back on her past too. “My turn.” She comes back to reality. “A lot of people waved to you while we were leaving; are you pretty popular around here?”

She laughs, “Not really. I’ll talk to almost anyone, but Natsume is my only real close friend. Like I said yesterday everyone here is really nice, so people will eventually start waving to you to once they get to know you.”

“Well, thanks. And I thought we were friends.” I pretend to look hurt.

“I think we will be soon, but as far as I know right now you’re some creep who likes watching girls sleep.”

“Haha, real funny. Your turn.”

“Did you do any sports in your old school?”

“Yeah, swimming and I started diving, but never got into it.”

“There is a pool here. Maybe I can show you that another day.” She smiles. I really like seeing her smile. I can’t place my finger on it, but something about it just makes me want to smile too. “I heard diving was hard to learn, is that why you quit?”

I would rather not talk about this. “One question at a time; it’s my turn now.” That came out more bitter than I wanted it to.

She looks a little put off by my sharp tone .“Ok, shoot.”

“Is this your first time playing tour guide?” I smile, but I know it looks at least partially forced.

“Yup, Mr. Nakai thought since I’m still kinda getting used everything, we can help each other.” She smiles, “My turn.” Her smile turns to a devils grin. Ah shit, what’s she up to? “Why did you bring Natsume to the dorms this morning, no one could have blamed you for leaving her. You barely know each other, after all.”

Does she think I like Natsume? “I can’t do something like that, if it were Natsume or one of the guys from my dorm.” I smile, and this one’s for real, “I can’t leave someone out there when I can help them; it’s just not right!” I bump her arm with my elbow, and that feeling runs through me again. “And besides, it’s not like I carried her down a mountain or anything.”

“Well then, we need more people like you here.” Her smile becomes bitter, only for a moment. “Plenty of people would have walked past her, had you not done anything. The best they would have done would have been to call me.”

She really cares about Natsume. “You really care a lot about your friends?”

Her smile is back in full force, “Gotta help the people who matter, right?”

“Yeah, gotta be there for your friends…,” I trail off. Even if they aren’t there for you? I want to ask, but I can’t bring myself to bring her down again. I smile, “Is it really such a big deal that I helped her out? I thought helping each other was one of the reasons this school has us all together, to watch out for each other?”

Her smile fades, “It kinda is. The rumor mill is already working full force, coming up with every possible motive for you helping her, other than just being helpful.”

I laugh, “Wow, it’s A LOT like my old school around here. Back there, you couldn’t look or talk to someone of the opposite gender without accusations being made.”

Her smile doesn’t return, “You do know what a lot of those rumors say then, don’t you?”

“Probably everything from me abducting her to us being some new couple.”

“If you know that, then why are you so calm about it?” She almost looks angry.

“That is an easy one.” she looks confused “I have been on the bad end of more rumors than I care to count, and many of them are a lot worse than anything people could come up over me helping Natsume,” I smile “If my biggest problem here ends up being people assume i’m in a relationship with a pretty girl i’m pretty sure I can shake it off without it bothering me.”

“O so you think she’s pretty ?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know” I laugh “its my turn”

“No fair” she sticks her tongue out at me

“Haha, is that jealousy I hear in your voice?” I smile

“HAHA” she erupts in laughter “You wish”

“You don’t have to be so mean about it.” I laugh

“My turn, and I still want to know if you like Natsume” She smiles wickedly

“I thought you wanted to know if i thought she was pretty ?”

“Thats what I asked stupid” she looks at me slightly irritated

“No, you asked me if I like her.” slip of the tongue ?

“Fine then answer the question” I’m a little shocked by her directness

“Yes” I smile

her eyes grow wide but I cut her off before she can say anything “Yes I like her” I pause for dramatic effect of course, “as a friend, she is nice and i’ll admit she is pretty but I just met her.”

She scowls at me before laughing “You’re an ass I hope you know that”

“What did I do?” I smile trying to look innocent

“whatever,” she laughs “it’s your turn.”

“something I have been wondering since I got here yesterday,” I pause and try to think of the best way to word my question “How did you get used to dealing with everyone’s differences, I know that we aren’t defined by what’s wrong with us but I feel so fake just trying to ignore what is right in front of me.”

She laughs, What was so funny. “You can’t see the beauty of the forest if you just stare at a single tree” she keeps walking silently after passing on her bit of wisdom.

I sit in silence for longer than i would like admit trying to decipher what she means, my thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of Kari grabbing my hand and pulling me to the side of the road. A car goes by right next to me. Did I almost get hit? I really need to pay more attention to what's going on around me. I am pretty glad Kari is looking out for me. whats this weird feeling its like the feeling from the room except stronger and its in my chest now; that light fluttery feeling. I look down to my hands and see my one hand is intertwined with hers. I feel my face turn red, and I look up at her and she is watching the car go up the hill.
She looks down at our hands letting go quickly and blushing, she’s cute when she’s flustered. She looks away from me now “Sorry I..I was just”

“saving my life?” I smile “thanks it would suck to be roadkill before my second day of class.” I laugh at my own joke, I really can have a morbid sense of humor.

“Thats not funny, and I didn’t save your life I just helped you to the side of the road.” She is still slightly flustered

I wonder if I use this to my advantage “O no you saved my life alright and now I owe you my life, and must do whatever you ask of me.” I speak in the most noble sounding air I can manage without laughing. Getting to one knee I look to the ground “What is my first task milady.”

I’ve got her now, she will be too flustered to be able to answer and i’ll win the bet. I can be an ass sometimes but I don’t think she minds. all my thoughts of winning are interrupted when she walks up behind me and places her hands on my shoulders.”If I can ask anything of you i’ll start with a ride into town.” I look back and see the smile of the devil incarnate. What have I gotten myself into now.

“Very well milady, I shall carry you into town” I smirk “I accept this tremendous quest”

She punches me in the shoulder “And what do you mean by ‘tremendous’”

The fire glaring in her eyes should be enough to melt right through my forehead. “You know you look pretty when you are irritated.” I smile and watch as the glare in her eyes vanishes and she looks away again.

We walk in silence for awhile, I break the silence “Is it my turn or yours?”

She thinks for a few seconds “It’s mine I think.”

“Ok shoot”

“Why,,,why didn’t you want to talk about trying diving.” she looks down

Should I tell her
>>>Tell her
Avoid subject

“I didn’t to talk about it because” I take a deep breath steeling my resolve “because diving was what caused me to come to Yamaku.”

She looks confused, I guess that wasn’t enough information for her “What do you mean ‘diving was what caused you to come to Yamaku’”

“My condition, the doctors say it was brought on because of the massive amount of pressure and fear I felt while trying out for the team.” I pause and expect her to laugh or at least smile but instead she just stares at me her eyes telling me to go on “The doctors never really could explain what exactly it is, but they said it’s similar to narcolepsy in the sense that; it can cause me to just pass out like someone just pulled the plug on my brain.” She still is silent waiting for me to finish, “The main difference is its not a constant worry for me like it would be for Natsume, the only reasons I have to worry is when i'm put under a lot of pressure, fear, basically any negative emotions, the other possibility is getting hit in the head, specifically the back of my head can cause me to drop.”

“I-I’m sorry I had no..” she starts to apologize

“No, don’t be sorry i’m not done yet” she looks down and I continue “The day of the swim tryouts, I tried to get some of my friends to come with me but none of them did, it was just me and a few of the other kids from my school.” I Take a deep breath “It was a lot of the same kids who spread rumors and made it almost impossible for me to talk to anyone other than my close friends. I had decided this was my best way to prove them all wrong that I wasn’t some anti-social hermit, I climbed all the way to the top of the tallest platform and looked down at all the people who were expecting me to fail. I had done a bit of diving for fun before so I was used to the heights, but what I wasn’t used to was all the stares that seemed to be wanting me to fail, to give up.” I take a breath and give myself a second to calm my nerves, Kari waits patiently

It takes me a moment to calm my nerves enough to continue, “As I was getting ready to dive one of the students yelled out from below me ‘Why are you even here,’ I'm pretty sure now that he didn’t want to be mean but thought i was wimping out and was trying to get me to jump” Kari still stands in front of me making no move to stop me. “I started to feel lightheaded and my breathing picked up; the doctors said it was a panic attack. The last thing I remember was everything going black and then the feeling of falling.” Her eyes widen in shock she looks like she wants to say something but i’m not done yet “When I woke up I was in the hospital in a full body cast, The doctors said I broke several ribs, My right arm and fractured a few bones in both legs when I hit the side of the pool before I slipped into the water, It’s amazing how much damage hitting two diving boards can cause; The doctors said I should few lucky for not breaking my spine too, at the time though I felt anything but lucky.”

She looks sad like she wants to cry “how long were you in the hospital?”

“A few months” I stare out at the town we almost made it to “between the news of my condition and the physical pain I was going through from rehab, I spent a lot of time passed out and I learned that it was normal for me to be out the majority of a day sometimes even a full day would go by.”

“did they give you medicine for it?”

“they gave me some that they said would help prevent it but they said the only guarantee it wouldn’t happen is if I don’t get worked up and don’t get hit in the head.”

her eyes are tearing up “I’m so sorry Yuki I shouldn't have asked.”

“Hey, don’t be if I hadn't been willing to tell you I would of just paid for lunch.” I smile and its real, its a weak smile but its real.

She looks at me, she looks like she wants to say something but is having trouble coming out with it. “I’m here for an immune disorder.” I listen intently to her every word “If I don’t take my medication and get regular blood infusions my immune system shuts down and I can get sick from anything and everything, even something as simple is a cold can practically make me comatose.” she breathes out deeply as though she was holding her breath the entire time she was talking.

We stand there for awhile, neither one of us really sure what to say next. I take this moment to examine this girl beside me, her red hair flows softly with the wind, her face still slightly red from our previous conversation, she isn’t very tall but that doesn’t bother me. I know if she caught me looking at her she would probably call me a perv and punch my arm but right now I am willing to take that risk. Why? Why is a girl this pretty talking to me and being so nice. At my old school all my efforts at talking to the girls were meet by stares of disapproval that seemed to scream ‘Go away’ and ‘Why do you even try’. The silence that hangs over us feels so awkward that I can’t help but want to say something, anything to break this tension. “We still have to tour the town, and since you’re kind enough to give me a tour i’ll buy lunch.” I smile and gesture towards the town.

Her smile is back but it looks strained. Would it of been better for me to keep my mouth shut? Did I say to much, I could of just told her I had an accident because of my condition. Why did I tell her about the other students?

We walk towards the town. I spend the rest of the walk listening to Kari tell me about the town and the places we are going to visit. She tells me that we are going to visit a small convenience store to pick up some drinks and then we are going to walk around so I can ‘get the lay of the land.’

We do just as she said, stopping in the store to pick up some drinks before we make our way around the town. our day passes with only some small talk breaking the silence as we explore the town. The sun is at its peak as we walk along the road and I hear my stomach loudly complain about the lack of food, “Haha, sounds like someone’s hungry” Kari’s smile is back again and it’s just as infectious as ever.

I smile back glad the tension seems to have passed “don’t look at me it’s all him” I point at my stomach “he’s the one making all the noise.” we laugh as she starts looking around for someplace to eat.

“What about this place” I point to an older more traditional looking place, the sign is faded but i’m able to make out enough to guess “The ‘Shanghai’, it looks nice and relaxing.”

“I heard about this place its a little tea house, it used to be pretty big with the students before the dinner opened up down the road, it serves a bigger variety of items and is a little closer.” She walks up to the door, “I never heard much bad about it and you’re the one paying so lets give it a shot.”

She pushes on the door as it swings open we make our way inside. I look around and see I was wrong in assuming this place would look traditional, it has a much more modern feel to it. “It is very nice in here.” Kari lets out a sigh “but I think no ones around”

As we are turning around to leave we hear a loud crash, and a woman bursts from a door that I assume leads to the kitchen. She rushes over to us, bowing quickly looking less than graceful. “Hello and welcome to the Shanghai” when she stands up she looks a little taken back “it’s been quite awhile since we had any customers from the school.”

I’m about to remind her we still need to be seated when she realizes it herself and ushers us along to a booth seat along the wall. Our server walks away still seeming slightly embarrassed about forgetting to seat us. I look around and only see one menu and its a few tables away. As I get up to grab it I see our server return with a troubled look “So-sorry I forgot to bring you menus.” Her expression changes again back to the polite small smile she had earlier, “Here’s one let me bring it to you.”
I would have of argued more if I wasn’t afraid to throw her into another panic attack. when she brings me the menu she seems to look slightly distraught seeing there is only one menu for two people. I should probably try and distract her before she short circuits. "Is it normally this peaceful around here ?"
She nods "Most of the time its like this except when its time for one of the festivals." She doesn’t seem to have much more to say so we tell her our orders; I ordered a coffee and a sandwich. Kari orders tea and a piece of cake.

Our server makes her exit to go prepare our orders. “this place is pretty nice.” Kari looks around and seems to agree.
We make idle small chat while we wait on our food. When our food arrives I see my coffee and sandwiches, Kari’s tea and one of the biggest pieces of cake I have ever seen someone get served. “Uh, I don’t think I can eat this all, do you want some ?”

I Don’t think it’s humanly possible for someone to eat all this themselves, and if they could I doubt they would be able to walk afterwards. “Sure, it looks great.” I look and see there is only one fork "Um miss ?" I call out for our server

As I look for our server I hear a slight thud that I could almost believe was someone running into the door. Our server comes out holding her head "Is everything to your liking ?"
"Ah yes it all looks great but could we get a second fork please ?" She rushes off and brings back a fork.Taking a drink of my coffee I can tell it is very well made even if it burns my mouth. I finish eating my small sandwich, and help Kari start digging into the cake.

After finishing our food I pay our tab and we set back outside. We Start walking up towards the school hoping to make it back before I pass out. Having spent all day walking around only taking a break for lunch and being up since yesterday my body is begging for sleep.
We make it back to the top of the hill and to the school before either of our legs give out on us. We part way at the split between dorms saying our goodnights. I trudge back to my room choke down the drugs that lay on my nightstand. I slip into sleep as soon as my head hits the bed.
Last edited by HITK220 on Tue Dec 23, 2014 6:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by brythain » Mon Dec 22, 2014 9:31 pm

Gah! Was going so well until WallOfText.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

HITK220
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by HITK220 » Mon Dec 22, 2014 9:46 pm

Gah! Was going so well until WallOfText.
:c Yeahhh sorry its all better now (I hope). Thanks for saying something that was pretty bad haha.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by Mirage_GSM » Tue Dec 23, 2014 6:25 am

One word before you see the wall of text that will follow: These are all nitpicks - except for the first and the thing with your timeline. You should pay more attention to that. Still enjoying the story.
One of the things you will notice is there are several choices in this part and the next, this is because at some point once I have finished this first rout I plan on adding on and making more.
Okay... You want to make several routes. Personally, I don't like the concept of choices in fanfictions at all, but that's only my preference. In this case, though, you should consider if you really want to introduce the options of other female mains AFTER your OC is almost together with one girl already...
I give up on sleep after about 4 hours.

I walk around the grounds for another hour or so.

…small amount of students wandering down to the track…

now that the sun is up
Either they slept on the roof for a REALLY long time or the track club is up REALLY early…
“I hope she wasn’t out there too long; the chill itself wasn’t bad, but laying in the grass she had to have gotten soaked. I hope she won’t get sick.” I look up at Kari, whom is giving me a reassuring smile
He carried her. He doesn't have to speculate whether or not she got wet. Oh, and a little grammar fix.
“Sure, but keep your questions clean.” I had no intention of doing so, but…
So he had no intentions of keeping the questions clean, or…?
Why are you even hear
"here"
I hit the side of the pool before I slipped into the water, It’s amazing how much damage hitting two diving boards can cause;
Hehe, if he hit the side of the pool, he should be lucky to have hit two diving boards on the way down, or he would probably be dead.
if I wasn’t willing to tell you I would of just paid for lunch.
1. "hadn't been willing"
2. "would have" or would've" - this one happens one or two other times as well in this chapter.
I’d of argued more
For example here.
“You recognized our uniforms, did you go to Yamaku?”
It's a small town - everyone would recognize the uniforms.
“Nah, we can just use this one.” she waves her fork in front of me.
…, taking turns eating a bite here and there.
You realize this is probably a dumb thing to do if you're suffering from an auto-immune disease?
The sun is at its peak as we walk along the road and I hear my stomach loudly complain…
We start walking up towards the school hoping to make it back before curfew.
Coming back full circle to the beginning: Either curfew starts REALLY early or they did take REALLY long to eat lunch and get back to school…
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

HITK220
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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by HITK220 » Tue Dec 23, 2014 3:27 pm

thank you for pointing all that out I have the problem fixed but unfortunately my internet isn't being kind so it will be awhile before I can post the fixed version but please hang in there its on the way.

HITK220
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Katawa shoujo Generations (3)

Post by HITK220 » Sun Dec 28, 2014 6:18 pm

* A festive week *

I awake to the lovely sound of my alarm blaring in my ear. I jump to my feet to turn the damned thing off. Damn its too early, why did I set it so early? After getting up I remember, I never got a shower since I got here. I get up and grab my change of clothes heading to the showers.

As I walk out of the showers my eyes slightly obscured by my towel I feel a pair of hands plant themselves firmly on my shoulders stopping me. As my towel falls away I see another one of the guys standing before me, he is a bigger man wearing a shirt that seems to be promoting some American game or maybe a movie. “Hey there man, you should probably watch where you’re going don’t want my new hall mate to break his neck the first week” he bellows laughing loud enough to wake the dead “Finally get meet you and I almost run you over.” After getting a better look at him I can see he is possibly one of the bigger people in this school, but he seems to be pretty cool. “Hey man if you're ever bored just give my door a knock. Ah and before I forget, the name's Akio His smile is wide and he seems to be really cool.

“Thanks dude, i’ll definitely come over sometime.” I’m guessing that he was playing one of those games the first time I came to the dorms.

“Hey man I’ve got to beat feet, i’ll catch you around some other time, don’t be a stranger.” he walks off down the hall towards the steps.

I walk to class and see Kari half way there and we walk up to the class room together. We take our seats just as the teacher walks in he looks over the class probably seeing if anyone is gone. After seeing the entire class is here he jumps straight into his lesson. Classes drag on, Natsume, Kari, and I work together to take out any group work we have.

Lunch arrives and I have lunch with Kari and Natsume in the cafeteria, we finish up and begin walking to class and enter just as the bell signalling the end of lunch rings out. We sit making small talk for awhile as people file into to room. As the last few people sit down and the the door swings shut. Mr.Nakai hasn’t arrived yet so we all sit talking quietly amongst ourselves. Mr.Nakai walks in talking about the lesson for today. At the end of class Mr.Nakai makes a short announcement “I know very well that you will all be having fun at the upcoming festival.” Festival!? “But I want you all to remember the point of the festival.” “To eat junk food and win prizes!!!” a voice from behind me shouts out.

Everyone laughs, even Mr.Nakai chuckles at this “Well yes you are right that is One of the points of the festival but the other one is to get out and….” the bell rings cutting him off again. He smiles and puts his hands up in defeat.

Walking down the hall towards the roof with Kari and Natsume I listen to them chat on about everything from their lunches to the weather. I don’t take part in their small talk instead I just walk in silence and enjoy being with my friends. Wow I never would've thought I could call a girl my friend let alone two of them, the fact that they even talk to me is amazing. In my deep thinking I run right into the wall beside the stairwell leading to the roof. “HAHA, you know walking is a lot easier when you pay attention.” Kari laughs and can feel the blood rising to my cheeks.

We make our way upstairs, Kari leading the way followed by Natsume and then me. We have started walking in this order as a fallback in case Natsume has one of her sleep attacks; she can either fall forward and Kari can slow her fall, or she can fall backwards and i’d catch her hopefully without tumbling down the steps with both of us in tow.

Once we reach the roof and the fresh air washes over us and I already feel rejuvenated from this long first day back. We take our seats in our usual spot overlooking the school grounds. “What did Mr.Nakai mean about the festival this weekend ?”

“Oh yeah we haven’t talked much about the festival.” she smiles “we have a couple festivals every year and typically during this festival its the job of the students and clubs to get everything set up.”

“O why hasn't anyone asked us to help ?” I fake pout


“Actually we did get asked to help out its just I figured since you are so new here you wouldn’t want to get wrapped up in that sort of work before you can even get settled.”

“Well when do they need help if I’m not busy i’d love to help set up.”

“They need help on Friday after school moving the last round of stalls into place.”

“Well unless something comes up i’ll help.”

We spend some time sitting on the roof drinking sodas and making some small talk. Our peaceful time is interrupted by the loud complaining coming from my stomach. “Sounds like you’re hungry,” Kari smirks “that’s what you get for skipping lunch.”

“Well I wasn’t hungry then.” I get up and stretch. “It’s almost time for dinner anyways. Would you two ladies like to join me in finding food ?”

Kari and Natsume shrug “sure.” The girls are still sitting on the roof so I offer them both a hand to help them up which they graciously accept.

We walk down the stairs and out of the school, we walk towards the front gate. When we get close to the gate I hear one of the two other foot steps stop. Turning around both Kari and I must have a worried expression because when Natsume see she smiles letting us know she is ok. “Hey guys im just going to head back to my dorm.” even though she is smiling I can hear the wistfulness in her voice.

“Why ?” I try and look reassuring “If you are short I can lend you some Yen to pay for food.”

Natsume laughs “No no its nothing like that, I just don’t want to risk passing out while going there or coming back.”

I almost forgot about her narcolepsy, she made it through our hanging out on the roof and she seemed to make it through most of the day. Maybe she is right to worry about it catching up to her soon. “ Do you want us to bring you anything back?”

“Nah ill just warm some instant noodles or something.” She smiles lazily

“If you’re sure you don’t want anything I guess we’ll just take off.” Kari smiles


We turn to leave waving as we walk down the hill. “Where do you want to go?” Kari asks “We could go back to that little tea place.”

“They have box lunches at the convenience store right ?”

“You want to eat at the convenience store ?!” she gives me a weird look like I just suggested we rob the place.

“No, I thought we could get two of those and go to the park you showed me.”

“Ahhh so like a picnic.” she smiles seeming content with the idea.

We walk in silence the rest of the way just enjoying the warm weather. I can see the town getting closer before I feel a slight desire to break the silence, “This festival what all do they do at it ?” I remember too late that she is also new to the school.

“I never seen it myself but Natsume says they have lots of fried food and games,” she smiles I guess she really gets into these kinds of things. “But the best part is th…” she is absorbed in her thoughts about the festival and doesn’t notice the man on a bike coming up from behind us. I grab her hand and pull her to the side of the road.

“SORRY!!” the biker shouts out as he passes us.

“I guess we are even now?” a shaky smile is on her lips.
“Nah that was a bike you saved me from a car so I still owe you a little.” I let go of her hands and gesture towards the town, “after you.”

We get to the store and buy our boxed lunches. The park is almost empty when we get there. “Any place specific you want to go?” I ask her

“Yeah there is a nice pond we can watch the koi swim while we eat.” she takes the lead.

We sit by the pond and just as she had said there were a lot of koi in the pond and it was quite peaceful here. The light breeze shakes the leaves on the surrounding trees. The smell of the grass and the pond mingle together with the warmth of the sun to create a relaxing sensation that is enough to make me want to sleep. yawning I stretch lying back on the grass. “You know if you fall asleep again i’m just gonna leave you.” Her words are said with a smile but i have no doubt she would in a heartbeat.

“Eh I wouldn't mind too much…” I pause looking up at the sky “..unless a storm rolls in.”

Kari gathers her trash up and and mine putting them in the bag we brought it in. We set up returning to school avoiding any traffic mishaps on our way. We split up at the crossing between the dorms. I make my way to my room to finish the homework I got today.

I almost can’t make it to bed before my eyelids betray me and fall with out my permission.
Last edited by HITK220 on Sun Dec 28, 2014 9:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Dec 28, 2014 7:54 pm

The scene in the beginning felt kind of rushed - he never even introduced himself.
Hey man if your free sometime…
you're
Mr.Naki hasn’t arrived yet
His name is Mr. Nakai - consistently spelled wrong in this chapter.
“we have a couple festivals every year
It's unlikely there's more than one.
“Yeah there is a nice pond we can watch the koi swim while we eat.” she takes the lead.
Many of your readers wil probably not be familiar with this term.

Actually the whole chapter felt a little rushed. It skips from scene to scene from location to location with no single scene getting more than a few paragraphs.

Not a bad chapter, but I liked the previous ones better.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

HITK220
Posts: 25
Joined: Thu Sep 11, 2014 10:43 pm

Re: Katawa shoujo Generations

Post by HITK220 » Sun Dec 28, 2014 9:44 pm

It's unlikely there's more than one
I was thinking about Tantaban (I probably butchered the spelling sorry) and for some reason I thought there was something to do with a winter festival (Maybe i'm just losing my mind.) *Fixed*
His name is Mr. Nakai
Yeahhhh no excuses on that one, I kinda just butchered it to hell and back *Fixed*
Many of your readers will probably not be familiar with this term.
This one I have no idea what term you mean (again might be losing my mind)

And yes this did seemed rushed and for that I apologize, I have Ideas for points A and C but B kinda messed me up so I just wrote what came to my sleepy mind.

To make up for this i'm going to post another part shortly, I hope I can keep from rushing in the future.

PS. Thank you so much for all your help, as you can tell I'm no professional so all the advice and comments are a big help so thank you again.

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