Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending) (complete)

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OremLK
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Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending) (complete)

Post by OremLK »

Hi everyone,
Hope this is okay to post since I'm new around here. I posted this fanfiction over on Reddit and one of the regulars from these forums sent me a PM suggesting I post it here as well, so here goes nothing.

I've hosted the full story (9 chapters and an epilogue totaling about 16,000 words) as a PDF and on Google Docs. I consider those the best versions since they preserve my original formatting, but since it seems from lurking like most people post directly to the forum, I'll start posting each chapter that way as well and update the OP with links as I convert the formatting for each. I welcome criticism and may update the story based on comments received at some point, but I may be slow to actually make changes since it requires updating three versions, so please don't be offended if I don't jump to make edits right away!

Preferred versions:
PDF
Google Docs

Image

Chapter list (will be edited with links to each chapter):
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9 (pt. 1)
9 (pt. 2)
Epilogue

Foreword

When I first saw Hanako's “bad” ending in Katawa Shoujo, I thought it was painful, but I loved what it showed about Hanako's character. It also felt abrupt, though—I wished there was more story afterward.

The bad ending almost feels like the end of the second act in a three-act story. It's the huge disaster from which there seems no recovery. It's Jane Eyre running away from Mr. Rochester. It's Darcy's first, catastrophic proposal to Elizabeth. In each of those classic romances, the hero and heroine seem split forever, their relationship undone by their respective faults. But those stories don't end there.

I wanted to see how Hanako and Hisao would put things back together after their disaster... So I decided to write a third act myself and continue the story.

This story is meant as a direct follow-up on the bad ending of Hanako's path. If it's been awhile, I recommend you rewatch the bad ending here before proceeding to put things in the proper context.

Without further ado, please enjoy Healing.

Spoiler warning: This fanfiction includes major spoilers for Hanako's and Lilly's paths. Consider yourself warned.
Last edited by OremLK on Wed Dec 31, 2014 9:07 pm, edited 11 times in total.
OremLK
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

Healing

“I know I'm broken! I don't need you to tell me that! It's written on your face, it's written on Lilly's face, it's written on everybody's faces! I see a therapist every week, Lilly dotes on me as if I were her child, and now... even you! Nothing's changed, nothing at all! I hate Lilly, and I... I hate you more than anyone...!”

1

Hanako sat on her bed, hugging her knees. She'd barely left her room since screaming at Hisao yesterday night. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she should be hungry, should at least get something to drink, but she couldn't find the energy to move. The chess set Hisao had given her still lay on the floor where she had thrown it after he left, its pieces scattered across the room. She had thought her rage under control when he finally went away, but it had returned with a surprising fury minutes later when she replayed their last conversation in her mind. In the absence of Hisao to shout at, she'd ripped the chess set from its drawer and thrown it against the wall before flinging herself onto the bed, her face hot with tears.

That had been last night. She'd cried herself to sleep, alternating between fury and regret in huge, crashing waves. Now, she just felt... numb. Hollowed out, like the husk of a dead sailing ship without wind or crew.

She should clean up, she supposed. The untidiness of her room was finally beginning to prick at her through the haze of spent emotion. And... it was still a perfectly good chess set, even if Hisao was... no. Don't think about him. She fought down the stirrings of emotion and climbed off her bed. Her legs felt stiff and sore, and the familiar stretching of her scarred skin brought her back to reality. She got down onto her hands and knees on the cold tile and began to work her way across the room, collecting pieces as she went. Pawn, pawn, knight, pawn, bishop...

When she finally reached the box where it lay propped up against the wall, she had the whole pile of pieces gathered up in front of her. She tenderly picked up the box, then let out a small gasp when she realized a long, jagged crack now ran along its side. She'd broken it. Just like she had broken everything else.

And with that realization, she couldn't stop the tears from falling again. She'd ruined everything. Her friends. She'd already driven Hisao away, and he'd surely tell Lilly what she had said. Maybe he'd already called her and told her everything. That was probably why Lilly had tried to call earlier. Hanako could almost hear the quiet disappointment that would have been in her voice, had she answered the phone.

Perhaps they had treated her like a broken doll, thought of her as a child to be coddled, a pathetic and fragile thing to be protected... but at least they'd been there. At least they'd been her friends, in their way. Now she'd lost Hisao, and maybe even Lilly as well. Was it really so bad to be thought of like that?

Yes, a small, surprisingly strong voice in her head shouted back at her. You can't go back to that. Not ever. And immediately despised herself for the pang of desire she felt to just let things return to how they'd been. She could go crawling back to Hisao right now, stutter out a plea for forgiveness... she could call Lilly, tell her it had just been a bad day. Maybe Hisao would take her back as a friend, go back to walking on eggshells around her, only now afraid she might blow up at him again any minute...

No. No. Hanako took in a deep, shuddering breath, forcing down the temptation. However much she might wish it, she couldn't go back.

As she had been thinking, her hands had been working of their own volition, carefully placing the chess pieces back inside the box. She ran a finger across the polished wooden lid, still beautiful and unmarred, and was almost startled to feel a small, wistful smile play across her lips. The box was cracked, but intact. Broken, but still beautiful. It would be okay.

She let out a small sigh and placed it back in its still-open drawer, closing it gently. It was time to get back out and deal with life. Small things first, like her therapist always said after she had an anxiety attack. A shower. Clean clothes. Something to eat. Yes. She might be a scarred, broken doll, but she could at least do that much.
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by brythain »

Glad to see this happening. It's always nice to see how a given ending can be resolved in different ways, by different authors. Welcome to the KS Forums!
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by bhtooefr »

I think the idea that Hisao would be sent into a tailspin after Hanako's bad ending is actually not just possible, but likely.

However, kissing Hisao on the cheek after telling him that they couldn't even be friends? What the hell? Or, running and kissing him in public like that? That's something I could see Shizune doing, not Hanako, not even your Hanako that's got growing confidence.
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

Thanks you guys for taking the time to read it!

@bhtooefr Appreciate the critiques as well, I'll take them into consideration whenever I make another round of revisions. I think the kiss at the end's gotta stay, though--remember, she already kissed Hisao in public in the original good ending!
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

2

Hisao hadn't wanted to answer Lilly's call, but the phone wouldn't stop ringing, and he hadn't had the heart to put it on silent. The incessant buzzing and chirping buried a headache in his skull, and it felt like no more than he deserved. Finally, he'd felt forced to pick up. For once, Lilly hadn't wasted time on polite greetings.

“Hanako promised me she would call me this morning, and she never did. When I tried her cell, she didn't answer. What happened when you went to talk to her last night?” she'd asked. Against my recommendation, had been the unspoken, disapproving conclusion to her sentence.

She'd almost sounded like her usual, collected self, with just a hint of accusation in her voice. Hisao had tried to brush her off with vague statements, but she'd asked pointed questions until the whole story had come tumbling out. Now Lilly had been silent for several minutes. He was about to ask if she was still there when she spoke into the silence.

“I knew I was overprotective, and I knew it bothered her, but I never realized it was so bad,” she murmured, sounding almost like she was speaking to herself. “Oh, Hanako. I'm so sorry.” Another pause.

“Lilly?” Hisao asked.

A soft sigh. “Yes, Hisao?”

“What do... what do I do?” It came out more plaintive than he'd intended. He'd messed up. Badly. He should have listened to Lilly. Now his friendship with Hanako might be over for good. The warmth of the phone pressed hard against his ear, and he forced himself to relax his grip a little, leaning back against the wall behind his bed.

“I think it would be best if you stayed away from Hanako, at least until I return,” Lilly said. Her voice was quiet, but firm.

“But I--”

“Hisao,” she interrupted him, again unlike her. Her voice was controlled, but he could tell she was upset with him. “Before you say anything else, think about how you came to be in this situation in the first place.”
She was right. Of course she was right. He stopped and took a moment to really think about what had happened last night. It hurt to even approach it, like a vice slowly crushing his chest.

He ran Hanako's words through his mind again. About how she knew she was broken, how they'd treated her like a child. He didn't want to think it was true, but then he started to consider how he had been acting around her. About how he had treated her, especially since she'd had that breakdown in class.

When they'd gone out to the jazz club the other night and played billiards together, she had tried to open up to him, and he'd all but refused to tell her anything about himself.

I did worse than that. He'd promised to protect her while Lilly was gone, like she was his little sister or something. Then when she'd offered to be there for him too, he'd said... nothing. Like he didn't need her at all. Like she couldn't be of any use to him.

I would be angry too. He thought about how he'd felt when his classmates had come to see him in the hospital and left him cards and flowers, and he'd later realized it had just been a class project, and they didn't really care about him anymore. He was just a broken person, someone to be pitied. Not one of their peers. Not anymore, ever since his heart attack. Even Iwanako had treated him that way. He had been an obligation for her, until eventually she grew tired of him and she, too, left him alone.

That's how Hanako feels all the time. The realization felt like a sledgehammer to the gut.

“Are you still there, Hisao?” He blinked as he remembered he was still on the phone with Lilly.

“I'm here. I... I should have noticed what I was doing. I did that to her. Oh, god.”

Lilly was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke again, the anger was gone from her voice.

“We both did. I should have done better by her, as well.”

“There's nothing I can do to make this right, is there?”

“I don't know, Hisao. I just know you shouldn't push her anymore right now. She doesn't want to be taken care of. Not by you, or by me. From what you told me, she made that perfectly clear.”

“I feel like I finally understand something important about her, and about myself. And now I can't share that with her.”

Lilly was quiet again, but he could guess she was thinking things over, so he kept his mouth shut. If only I'd had the sense to do that last night. The bitter thought ran up his throat like a poison, and it suddenly didn't feel so hard to stay silent. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, letting the pink blur of the light overhead burn through to his retinas.

“I think... If you truly must, you could write her a letter of apology,” Lilly eventually said.

Hisao cringed, thinking of his unfinished return letter to Iwanako. “I'm no good at letters, Lilly.”

“I have faith in you to figure it out,” she said. He thought he could hear the small smile on her face. “But if you would prefer to wait until I get back...”

“No. That is... I don't know. I'll think about it,” he sighed. “Thank you, Lilly. And I'm sorry.”

“Perhaps it's for the best, having everything out in the open,” she said. “And Hisao?”

“Yes?”

“Maybe try honesty, for once.”

They said their goodbyes, and Hisao hung up the phone, feeling lower than he ever had since leaving the hospital. Maybe lower even than then. His beige walls suddenly seemed horribly depressing, like they belonged in a mental ward or something. He wished he'd hung something up in his room, just to give it a little character. Posters, maybe. Thinking of that made him remember Hanako's room, as spartan as his own. Neither of their rooms really felt like somebody lived there. And if they didn't live here... where did they live? Sure, he had his bedroom back at home in the city, but that felt like a remnant of his old life, now. So if that was his old life, what was the new?

Hanako, he thought instantly. But I lost her, now. By ignoring Lilly's advice last night, and by generally making an ass out of myself.

And what of Lilly's latest advice? A letter. She was right, it... made a kind of sense. He wouldn't have to try to face Hanako in person, which was good, since she probably wouldn't talk to him anyway. And... it wouldn't pressure her, the way he had pressured her so hard last night, like... like a parent trying to coax a child outside to play. He cringed again, thinking about it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

A letter would treat her like an adult. Like she deserved. It would allow Hanako to take the initiative. She could come talk to him if she wanted, or... or not. He swallowed, thinking about that likely possibility.

If she didn't, if she never talked to him again, well... it was no more than he deserved. He should apologize anyway for how he had treated her, because... because it was the right thing to do. Even Iwanako had apologized to him, eventually. Surely he could do the same for Hanako.

The sick conviction growing in his gut seemed confirm he was on the right track. If he did this, if he really wanted to make things right, he'd have to be honest, just like Lilly had said. That would mean delving into things about himself he hadn't dared to touch in months. He didn't want to do it. Just the thought made him want to curl up in a ball and try to sleep.

Instead, he sat down at his desk and began to write what he suspected would be the first of many attempts.
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by bhtooefr »

It's not that she kissed him in public, it's that the buildup didn't seem at all right for her to kiss him in public, especially considering the societal implications of that action.
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

bhtooefr wrote:It's not that she kissed him in public, it's that the buildup didn't seem at all right for her to kiss him in public, especially considering the societal implications of that action.
I gotcha. I'll think about if there are any changes I can make to get it to feel more believable. Thanks!
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by Mirage_GSM »

I don't think this specific kind of story (Hanako bad end fixfic) has been done so well before - even though I've always expressed the opinion that it is the most salvageable of all the bad ends.
If I had to nitpick, I'd say that Hisao - and to a lesser degree Hanako - vary too much between being extremely understanding and empathic to being extremely awkward in other scenes.

The most issues I have with the epilogue:
It felt both too detailed and a bit rushed if that makes sense. On one hand you describe every little bit of progress their relationship makes, on the other you skip ahead weeks and even months at a time, making the pacing quite inconsistent.
Also, wasn't Lilly supposed to leave for Scotland after graduation - in April? Why are Hisao and Hanako still at Yamaku at that point?
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

Hmm, you make some good points. I'll put them on the list of stuff to look at in revision. Here's the forum version of chapter 3:

---

3

Hanako took a deep breath before opening the door to class. Somehow she'd found it in her to come in this afternoon, as though her confrontation with Hisao had strengthened something inside her. She was late again, but she didn't want to risk having to talk to him before class. She'd have to leave before Mutou finished teaching as well, she'd decided.

As she stepped into the classroom, she realized she needn't have worried: Hisao's seat was empty. As usual, everybody ignored her late entry... everybody except Misha and Shizune. Shizune was glaring at her suspiciously, and a glance at Hisao's empty desk showed why. Hanako rushed in and shrank down in her chair, desperately avoiding Shizune's gaze. A familiar lump rose in her throat before she could fight it down, and she spent several long minutes just focusing on her breathing, in and out.

Gradually the tension in her shoulders subsided, and she became aware of the rays of the afternoon sun sweeping across her desk, warming her skin and sending a prickle up her spine. She stared at the dust motes in the air. Stealing a glance toward Shizune and Misha, she saw that they were now ignoring her, furiously signing to each other under their desks. Hisao's seat next to them was still empty.

Where could he be? She had prepared herself so hard to avoid talking to him, but now that he wasn't here, she was almost disappointed. She crushed down that feeling inside of her.

Had he not been back to class since two nights ago? That wasn't like him. She'd seen him stare at her disapprovingly before for coming in late, and part of her had been glad he'd noticed, especially once she realized he wouldn't verbally scold her for it. People rarely paid attention to her comings and goings anymore, and it made her feel intangible, like a ghost flitting between the classroom and her dormitory. She wasn't sure what was worse—that, or the panic which welled up when she thought of somebody reprimanding her tardiness.

Just before class let out, she rose from her seat and rushed out of the room. She had a feeling Shizune would try to interrogate her, and she didn't want to risk it.
She was the only one in the hall between bells, so she decided to head over to the library and pick up some books. She could take them to her room and try to get her mind off of things. Briefly, she considered reading in her usual spot, but if Hisao came in... No, her room was definitely better.

Yuuko was sitting at her desk when Hanako came in; she saw Hanako right away, and after a little start, smiled at her and waved her over. Yuuko was dressed in her typical plain purple dress, plain unfussy hair hanging loose past her shoulders, and plain glasses which looked like they came from the 90s; everything just a little dated and worn, but serviceable and not-quite-ugly. Try as she might, Hanako had never been able to get comfortable with her sudden starts and spurts of emotion, but at least Yuuko's clumsy sincerity was familiar and predictable. It didn't take too much effort to walk over and greet her.

“H-hello, Yuuko.”

“Hi Hanako! I haven't seen you in a few days.”

“I was just wanting to pick up... a few books.”

“Great! Oh, before you do, I have something for you from Hisao.”

“He was... h-he was here?” Hanako glanced around, swallowing.

“Oh, sure, early this morning. I dropped a whole stack of books, and he helped me pick them up,” Yuuko smiled sheepishly, opening her desk drawer and clattering around. “Now where did I put it... Ah, here.”

She produced a large, thick cream-colored envelope, with Hanako's name written on it in careful, blocky letters. Hanako reached out and took it almost before she realized what she was doing, curiosity already itching at her. It was made of weighty, textured paper, and turning it around she saw a hint of gold foil lining peeking out from inside. Where had Hisao gotten something like this? Had he gone to town just to find it?

A mystery to savor another time. A more pressing concern pricked at her. “How did Hisao... look?” she asked.

Yuuko put a finger to her lips and glanced up at the ceiling. “Well, he looked tired, I suppose.”

Tired? That was all? She was dying to ask more, but it was so hard to force out the words... She breathed a silent sigh when Yuuko continued.

“Like he'd been up all night. Maybe two nights, even...”

Hanako felt her heart pounding in her chest. Had he been staying up because of her? Working on this letter? Was that why he'd missed class?

Did she want him to have been? She was trying so hard not to care anymore... She itched to rip open the envelope right now and read the letter, but not in front of Yuuko...

Oh, god, she suddenly realized. If Hisao had given this to Yuuko... What had Hisao told her about them? She couldn't bear to, to have Yuuko know how she'd acted... She would think Hanako was a terrible person...! One time I let my true feelings break the surface, and it just ripples out, and out... Her breathing was starting to feel too shallow.

She looked up again and realized Yuuko was staring at her. “It seemed like something pretty bad must have happened...?”

Hanako felt her whole body freeze up. What did she already know...? What should Hanako tell her...? She didn't want to tell Yuuko anything about what... had happened. What she'd... done. It's... it's just Yuuko, she tried telling herself. You've known her for a year... But she could feel her emotions swirling, the beginnings of a panic attack coming on.

Yuuko seemed to realize something was wrong, and hurried to try and smooth over the situation. “I'm sorry! I just thought since he had to write you a letter that... Oh, I shouldn't pry like that! What must you think of me, asking those kinds of questions?” Her repeated apologies just made Hanako feel worse.

Why are y-you so shy? Why can't... you just talk... to anyone? The thoughts came stilted, as if breaking through buzzing static. She realized she was clutching the letter to her chest, almost crumpling it between her fingers. It took a monumental effort to loosen her grip. She stared back at Yuuko, her eyes wide. Before she realized what she was doing, she started stammering.

“I... I...”

She what...? Oh god it's happening again I can't...

“Ivegottogodosomething!”

She dashed out of the room, only realizing as she ran that she'd forgotten to get any books.
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by Serviam »

I just finished the fix and it was very...bittersweet.

Critical hit to the feels...
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

4

When she finally got to her room in the dormitory, she closed the door with a firm ka-thunk behind her and turned the deadbolt immediately. Only then did her breathing begin to relax. It took her several long minutes to calm down, but finally she moved away from the door and settled down on her bed with the letter.

She'd have to apologize to Yuuko later. Now, in the safety of solitude, her fears about Hisao telling Yuuko of their fight seemed almost silly, and certainly irrational. He was a lot of things, but she didn't think he'd gossip about her around school. And even if he did, would she really be so much worse off than she already was?

She pushed that depressing thought aside. She'd just let things get out of control, back there. Her therapist had told her to acknowledge that her fear response was just chemistry, and try to let it pass by instead of feeding into the feelings. But it was so hard in the heat of the moment.

The envelope was still clutched in her hands, Hisao's handwriting staring up at her from its blank front. Now that she was safe in private, she was almost afraid to open it. What if he was still treating her like a child? What if he wrote to her like she was some... worthless... inferior? And what if she went back to him anyway?

If he does that, I'll tear his dumb letter to pieces and throw it in the wastebasket. She was almost surprised at the vehemence of the thought. And before she could have second thoughts, she gave into her curiosity, ripped open the envelope, and dumped its contents out on the bed. Inside were two sheets of paper, filled with his blocky handwriting. The letter began:
Dear Hanako,

There are not words to describe how sorry I am for how I have treated you these past weeks. I'm an idiot... but I guess you already knew that.

I should've realized what I was doing to you, since I'd already had it done to me during my time in the hospital after my heart attack. I received more pitying looks and helpful visits during that time than I could stomach, especially from the girl I thought I loved. After my heart attack, I stopped being a person to her and became a broken burden to carry, and then bit by bit, to drop when I became too heavy. I wasn't without blame for her leaving, but I can't deny that when it came, it came as a relief. Looking back, I can see how bitter I was at my situation, and most of all at how she looked at me after my accident.

So I think I might understand a bit of what you felt when you shouted at me the other night.
This was not what Hanako had expected at all. She'd thought he might make excuses, try again to persuade her to accept his “help”. Not this... confession. He'd never told her any of this before. She had sensed some of it behind his silences, maybe, but not the whole of it. Not even close. He always seemed so... confident. Centered. Was it possible he could truly understand what it was like?
I think that's why I was attracted to you from the start...
She stopped, going back over the line to make sure she hadn't misread. Her heart was in her throat. He was attracted to her? She fought down the silly smile that crept onto her face, then started over to read the whole paragraph.
I think that's why I was attracted to you from the start... I saw something in you that was also in me. But instead of opening up to you as I should have, I hid my own past and took advantage of your problems to make me feel better about my own. I thought I was protecting you, but I was only using you to hide from my own issues. And in doing so, I treated you as less than a person... like some broken thing to be nursed back to health. I was wrong, and I realize that now.

Two nights ago, this ended with me intruding into your private space at your most difficult time and pushing you past your breaking point. I was being the worst kind of jerk, and I deserved your anger.
Hanako felt tears well up unbidden. It shocked her that he would just... admit everything, without any excuses and without asking her for anything in return. It was too raw, it hurt to read. Taking another deep breath, she went on.
I think you're an amazing person, Hanako. You're stronger than you think. I haven't gone through half of what you did, and that was hard enough. You suffered far more than I have, and you're still standing. I never should have stopped believing in you after what happened in class. You've survived far worse, and I should have trusted you.

It's only now that I've lost you that I realize how much I care about you. I tried to bottle it up after what happened in class, tried to become a caretaker you didn't want or need. I should have told you how I felt, instead. I see now that I made a terrible mistake.

For pressuring you last night, for hiding myself from you while demanding you share your feelings with me, and most of all for treating you as less than a person, I am truly sorry.

With my sincerest apologies,
Hisao
Hanako found herself laughing through her tears, sobbing, then laughing some more.

I didn't lose him forever. He still cares about me. How can he still care about me, after what I said?

And then...

He understands. Somebody else knows what it's like.

It almost didn't seem real. She wiped her tears on her sleeve, then realized she'd spilled some on the letter. The teardrops pooled into the page, making dark spots and blurring the ink. She dabbed at them with her sleeve, then set the letter down, taking slow breaths to calm herself, until her tears dried.

Then she started reading the letter again, first in fragments, then the whole letter from the beginning. And something dawned on her. Nowhere in the letter did he ask her to meet with him, or call him, or anything. It took her a moment to realize why: It was out of respect. She'd as much as said she never wanted to talk to him again. She let out a groan at that, thinking again of the words she'd said and how much it must have hurt him to hear them.

So he would let her be the one to approach him, if she wanted to talk. And part of her did want to, so badly it hurt.

But some other part of her still screamed caution. In the initial rush of emotions after reading his letter, she'd wanted nothing more than to run to the boy's dormitory right away and knock on Hisao's door. Now that they were fading to a soft glow, she began to think things over more carefully.

Underneath the words of Hisao's letter, there was something else. She was almost sure of it. A hope for more than friendship. She'd forgiven him for his actions, but...

That thought stopped her in her tracks. She'd forgiven him? Already? Just like that? Then the words of his letter floated back through her mind, and she realized that... yes. Yes, she had.

But, she realized reluctantly, forgiving him didn't mean she trusted him again. Or... trusted herself, with him. It had been so easy to let herself depend on him and Lilly completely, and to hate herself for it. Even now, the temptation was strong to go right back to that. How much harder would it be to resist if they were... more than friends?

Just thinking of that possibility sent a warm rush of feelings up her chest. Part of her, the same part she'd come to recognize as the love-starved, forlorn puppy which had leaped into Lilly's doting arms a year ago, wanted nothing more than to jump at this chance. She'd never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a boy. What would it be like, she wondered?

She viciously stamped down her fantasies before they could build. This was why she had to stay away from him, even now, even after his beautiful letter. She had to keep her distance. Until...

Until? Until what?

Until you don't need him anymore, came the answer in return.

That sounded so cold. Could she really leave him like that after what he'd written to her? Wouldn't she be abandoning him just like she'd so often feared he would abandon her? Wasn't there any way they could just be friends, like before? She felt a familiar stirring of frustration with him. Why did he have to make everything so hard? Just like when they first met and he wouldn't stop trying to talk to her, until she began to look forward to their conversations rather than dreading them... And even then, they'd still been awkward and hesitant, like climbing a ten-foot wall just to catch a glimpse of each other over the edge.

I don't know what to do, Mama. I want to go to him, but I don't think I should. What would you tell me to do?

“Live.”


Before she could stop herself, her mind flashed again to her last memories of Mama. The breath caught in her throat, and she could almost smell the acrid smoke, could almost hear the house groaning as the fire ate away at it. Mama had been weeping, repeating that word again and again as the flames swept over them, as if she could will it into being. “Live.”

I've tried, Mama. I've tried so hard. I shouldn't be such a worthless person. You sacrificed yourself for me, and I've done nothing with the life you gave me. I'm no use to anyone. I might as well not exist. It's all my fault. The familiar litany coursed through her mind, and she choked on a sob as it devolved further until she buried her face in the pillow, and until eventually it had dribbled down to one, hopeless word, over and over again.

Mama. Mama. Mama.

* * *
This time, something different came in the wake. Somewhere, deep down, she began to feel a sense of determination she couldn't remember experiencing since she was a small child. As she opened her eyes and stared at the blank ceiling, she turned the feeling over, examined it, prodded at it like a kitten with a strange new toy. Where was it coming from? Slowly she realized she still had Hisao's letter in her hand, now slightly crumpled, and she smoothed it out as best she could.

She thought back to her breakdown in class in front of Hisao and Misha and Shizune. That was the moment. That was when it had gone wrong, and Hisao had stopped believing in her. She had been on the verge of proving something to herself. Something important. But then... he'd mentioned her birthday... and it had all come tumbling back, and... everything had been ruined.

Where had she found the strength to join their group that day? Could she do it again?

The beginnings of a plan began to form in her mind. It was something she'd considered before, after many overheard conversations in class had piqued her interest. She'd never had the courage to try. But maybe if there was one person who believed in her... maybe she could... give it one chance. And see.

Then, with a sinking feeling, she realized she also needed to talk to Hisao. It would be horrible and unfair to ignore him after he'd poured out his feelings. It just wasn't right. That meant she would have to... make him understand, somehow. Set boundaries. She put her head in her hands. What was she thinking, setting herself up for not one, but two difficult conversations? She couldn't do this. It was too hard.

Then she reached down to feel for that sense of determination she'd captured a few minutes ago, and surprisingly... found it was still there. It would be hard, yes, but... She could do it. Because she had to. Her tears, now cold, were still wet on her face, and she wiped them off, feeling the beginnings of a small smile form on her lips.

With her hands shaking, she reached down to pick up her purse and get out her cell phone.
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brythain
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Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by brythain »

On second reading, still very good. I like the atmospheric little touches, as when Hanako virtually bats at the paper like a kitten with a new toy. Thanks!

One little thing that caught my eye this time round: it's "boys' dormitory", not "boy's dormitory".
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)
OremLK
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:42 am

Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

Wow, I'm flattered you liked it enough to read through twice! Thanks! I'll get that typo fixed when I revise. I've been thinking about it and I'll probably also add a few small scenes to address some of people's concerns and maybe make a few slight changes to existing chapters. In the meantime, still have to finish reformatting it for the forum. :D
OremLK
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:42 am

Re: Healing (Hanako, post-bad ending)

Post by OremLK »

5

When Hisao opened the door to classroom where they usually had tea together, he saw Hanako was already there. She'd texted him a few minutes ago, asking him to meet her here.

She looked... just like she always did. She wore her school uniform, the blouse carefully pressed and buttoned. Her bangs still covered her scars. Her hands were folded in her lap under the table, her stockinged legs crossed primly. Her face lacked the spiraling rage of three nights ago, but was otherwise unreadable. It felt good to see her, but her emotions were still as closed-off to him as ever. He had no idea how she'd responded to his letter.

With trepidation, he sat down at the table across from her.

“Hello, Hanako.”

“Hi H-Hisao,” she said, and the hint of a smile flashed across her face, then disappeared just as quickly.

He wanted to say so many things to her. Ask her if she had read his letter. If she still hated him, or if she had forgiven him. He wanted to ask if she was all right. But instead he said nothing and waited.

“I-I got your letter,” she finally said. “I'm sorry for... screaming at you.”

“I deserved it.”

She nodded, not denying it, then looked down at her hands. Her lips twitched as if about to speak, and she glanced up at him, then back down. Well, as much as he was dying to hear what she wanted to say, he could wait. He'd promised himself before coming up here that he'd let her take the lead, for once. After a couple more false starts, she finally spoke, so quietly he had to strain to hear her.

“I-in the letter... you said y-you... cared about... me.”

Hisao felt his face heat, remembering his words. He'd debated heavily with himself whether to keep that part. It hadn't been necessary in order to apologize to her. But Lilly's advice about honesty kept bringing him back around to it, and eventually, he'd decided to lay all his cards on the table. No more hiding.

“D-did... were you...” Hanako visibly gathered herself, having trouble getting the words out.

Hisao reflexively opened his mouth to tell her it was okay, they didn't have to discuss it. Then he clicked his teeth shut as he realized what he was doing. Falling right back into the same habits that had gotten him into trouble before. She can handle this, he reminded himself.

“Did-you-want-to-ask-me-on-a-date?” she finally blurted out all in a rush, her face a deepening shade of red.

Hisao felt a start, a thrill of fear going up his spine. Hanako was stock-still, staring at him, waiting for his answer. What answer did she want from him? He knew what he wanted to say. Yes, will you go out with me, will you be my girlfriend... do you like me too?

“I... I like you a lot,” he finally said. “I thought about it, but I didn't want to push you.” He considered that for a moment, then went on. “That was wrong, too. Hiding my intentions.” He took a deep breath, looked her in the eye, and asked. “Would you like to... have dinner? Or something?”

Her face snapped down to look at the table, all emotion leaving it, and he cringed inwardly. She stayed like that, unmoving, for several minutes, and Hisao felt like sinking into the floor. She didn't think of him that way, he'd been too forward, he'd driven her into another one of her catatonic silences, stupid, stupid...

“I can't go out with you,” she said, snapping him out of it. She still wasn't looking at him, but her voice didn't sound like he'd expected at all. Her stutter was noticeably absent, and although she wasn't speaking loudly, he didn't have to strain to hear her. There was a hint of... something he couldn't identify in her voice. Then she looked up, and she was back to being the Hanako he thought he knew.

“I... I...” she fidgeted, looking away from him and then back.

“It's okay,” he said. “I understand, you don't have to explain...”

“No!” She said. “I... I have to. T-tell you.” She took a breath, her eyes still darting, then coming to rest on the table again.

“I realized some th-things about myself. When I blew up at you.” She stopped for a second, took another breath, then continued. “I have to focus on myself right now. I j-just can't look at things that way yet. I'm not ready f-for... anything like that.”

Hisao felt a surge of hope. She wasn't ready. Did that mean she would be, sometime?

She met his eyes for a moment, then looked back down before speaking. “I have to learn how to stand on my own feet without... leaning on you... or L-Lilly. Can you... understand that?”

It was hard to hear, but he thought he could. But...she hadn't rejected him completely. It seemed like she was asking him to just give her some time. He thought he could manage that. But in the meantime? And afterward?

First things first. Don't think about later.

“We can still be friends, right?” he asked. “We can still see each other at lunch or after class?”

She was shaking her head, and his heart sank again. “P-please understand. It would be too hard. I can't go back to being... babied... by you and Lilly. I realize that now. I can see you in class, but... please give me some space... other than that.”

That hurt. No more lunches together, no more tea after hours in Lilly's room. No more chess games.

“So what will you do?” he asked, fighting to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

She smiled a little for the first time since he'd come in. Her voice grew a little firmer as she spoke. “I was thinking I might join the newspaper club. I'm good at writing, and with computers... and... I think I might b-be useful there.”

The newspaper club. It fit, he supposed. She was always reading, so she'd have to be great with words. But... there would be other boys there. What if she... No. She was right, of course. It wasn't his business. He had to let her have her own life.

“What about you?” She asked, interrupting his thoughts. “Have you... thought any about y-your future?”

“I... don't know,” he said. “Not really. I've just been taking things a day at a time. And honestly, I was worrying so much about you that I guess it was distracting me a bit,” he cringed a little as he admitted it. “I guess I should think it over.”

She nodded again. “Y-you should.” She took a deep breath, and Hisao could tell she was getting ready to stand up and end their conversation.

“Please tell Lilly, if you speak to her... I'm not ready to talk just yet. I'll.... talk to her when she gets back.”

“I will,” he nodded, then followed suit when she stood up from the table. They stood there awkwardly for a moment, until finally he turned to leave the room. But as he was about to open the door, her voice stopped him.

“H-Hisao?” He heard her walk up behind him, and when he turned around she was standing right there.

“Your letter was beautiful. Thank you for... understanding.” She smiled under her bangs, then got on her tip-toes and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. “I'll... I'll see you in class tomorrow?”

His hand flew up to his cheek, and he felt his face heat. He stared at her for a moment, and it seemed that she... then she pulled away. She glanced back up at him, still smiling earnestly, but whatever it had been was gone.

“I'll... see you then,” he said, returning her smile. He stepped aside to let her out into the hall, then closed the door behind them, watching her as she walked away.

So... now what? She clearly didn't hate him. The kiss said that much, didn't it? But he still had no idea how she felt about him other than that. It had been the kind of kiss he imagined a sister would give him, if he had one.

At least it seemed there was hope he hadn't ruined things between them forever. But then why did he still feel so lost?

Part of it might be loneliness, he had to admit. Hanako and Lilly were his only close friends at Yamaku, and Lilly would still be gone for at least a few more days. He was proud of Hanako getting out there on her own, but between her disappearance from his life and Lilly's trip to Scotland, he felt like his own foundation at the school had vanished out from under him. It was a bit depressing to think that he had nobody else to hang out with here. He supposed he could go find Misha and Shizune, or Kenji. Even the thought of spending time with any of them made him grimace. Really, what he ought to do was work on his homework, but the thought sounded unappealing.

Without anything else to do, he found himself walking toward the library. He'd told Hanako he'd think about his future, but surely it couldn't hurt to take a little solace in the same place he had ever since his heart attack by picking up a few books to read. At least Lilly would be back soon enough, and his homework could wait.
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