Vision

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d2r
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Re: Vision

Post by d2r » Tue Mar 24, 2015 9:39 pm

I've edited Chapter 4, and replaced the post above with the revised version. A list of changes is below, in case anyone's curious. I'll try and post Chapter 5 within a week.

- Added and heavily edited several paragraph in the first section, where Lilly talks about her continuing issues with adjusting to eyesight

- Removed all references to Lilly having eye pain even after 6 weeks, replacing with migraines where needed

- Edits to first paragraph after Saki so Lilly doesn't appear to be recognizing people's expressions

- Subtle edits to make Lilly more hostile to Shizune

- Assorted minor edits
Comrade wrote:infinite options does not mean all options, just like that between every two numbers there are infinite numbers, but not all.

If I see that sentence anywhere I am going to send your head to your mother with a replacment order
If you like a moodier fanfic, why not try mine?

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Blank Mage
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Re: Vision

Post by Blank Mage » Tue Mar 24, 2015 11:49 pm

d2r wrote:Subtle edits to make Lilly more hostile to Shizune
Poor Shizune.
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"I wish I could convey to you just how socially inept I am, but I can't."
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"No, I really, truly haven't."

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Leaty
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Re: Vision

Post by Leaty » Wed Mar 25, 2015 2:06 am

I hadn't read this story until now, and I really enjoy it. I wasn't entirely sure about the premise at first, but the way you've handled the characterizations and stuff has been excellent--the Saki scene in particular was especially chilling--and I'm really interested to see where this goes.

I should mention, I like how painful the experience of gaining vision has been for Lilly--I doubt it's intentional, but for me it evokes the Hans Christian Andersen version of The Little Mermaid where the eponymous mermaid gains the ability to walk, but every step she takes feels like she's walking on sharp knives. I disagree with the commenters who felt the vision-pain is overplayed in the story, for these exact reasons--the fact that her vision is so traumatic for her is consistent with the subtle "dark mysticism" vibe established by the premise.

I wonder how Shizune must be feeling; I'm sure she can similarly imagine how unpleasant her life would be if she could suddenly hear.

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Critical115
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Re: Vision

Post by Critical115 » Sun Mar 29, 2015 2:24 am

Would Emi and Rin really have any downsides to having all limbs?
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Blank Mage
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Re: Vision

Post by Blank Mage » Sun Mar 29, 2015 6:02 am

Critical115 wrote:Would Emi and Rin really have any downsides to having all limbs?
That's actually a decent question. Obviously Emi would be fine, but I can't help but feel like Rin would be terrified and confused by having weird things strapped to her shoulders.
And we're back.
-----------
"I wish I could convey to you just how socially inept I am, but I can't."
"I think you just did."
"No, I really, truly haven't."

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Leaty
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Re: Vision

Post by Leaty » Sun Mar 29, 2015 11:07 am

Critical115 wrote:Would Emi and Rin really have any downsides to having all limbs?
Remember that Emi and Hanako stand out from the other three by being the only two girls (other than Miki, who I personally consider a canon love interest after Summer's Clover, but your mileage etc etc) whose disability came later in life, rather than at birth.

Emi would almost certainly be fine with it. I can think of a few angles from which she'd be slightly unhappy, but overall I can't see her getting bent up about it like Lilly or Shizune would. Same deal for Miki.

Hanako, though... how she'd handle suddenly waking up with perfect skin and physical sensation throughout her whole body... That's a very interesting question.

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Gajzla
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Re: Vision

Post by Gajzla » Sun Mar 29, 2015 11:42 am

I think Emi's main grip would be that she would run slower until she got used to real legs again, bless her.

Hanako though, I do remember reading a one shot where she underwent sergery to remove her scars and the effect that had. Though I can't for the life of me remember the name of it.

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Alpacalypse
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Re: Vision

Post by Alpacalypse » Sun Mar 29, 2015 4:21 pm

Gajzla wrote:I think Emi's main grip would be that she would run slower until she got used to real legs again, bless her.

Hanako though, I do remember reading a one shot where she underwent sergery to remove her scars and the effect that had. Though I can't for the life of me remember the name of it.
I believe what you're looking for is "The Best Time of Her Life" by Oddball. I'd link it, but I'm on my iPod, so that's a no-no.
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d2r
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Re: Vision

Post by d2r » Sun Mar 29, 2015 5:16 pm

Leaty wrote:I hadn't read this story until now, and I really enjoy it. I wasn't entirely sure about the premise at first, but the way you've handled the characterizations and stuff has been excellent--the Saki scene in particular was especially chilling--and I'm really interested to see where this goes.

I should mention, I like how painful the experience of gaining vision has been for Lilly--I doubt it's intentional, but for me it evokes the Hans Christian Andersen version of The Little Mermaid where the eponymous mermaid gains the ability to walk, but every step she takes feels like she's walking on sharp knives. I disagree with the commenters who felt the vision-pain is overplayed in the story, for these exact reasons--the fact that her vision is so traumatic for her is consistent with the subtle "dark mysticism" vibe established by the premise.

I wonder how Shizune must be feeling; I'm sure she can similarly imagine how unpleasant her life would be if she could suddenly hear.
I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far!

And I actually had to decide at the outset whether I wanted to write about Shizune or Lilly. I went with Lilly because I think it's more interesting to try and describe eyesight as experienced by someone without the language or experience needed to express it. That, and I like the character dynamics more.
Comrade wrote:infinite options does not mean all options, just like that between every two numbers there are infinite numbers, but not all.

If I see that sentence anywhere I am going to send your head to your mother with a replacment order
If you like a moodier fanfic, why not try mine?

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