The Story of Kohowch

[Kohowch]

Hey everyone! I've been working on a fan fiction that will be like an alternate timeline of the story of Katawa Shoujo. This is the first chapter, in what I hope will be a very long series. Please be nice with your criticism...


Hey there, my name is Kohoshiro Howch. In the year 2006, I was enrolled to the Yamaku Academy for children with disabilities. And going there was an event that would change my life forever.

I was born March 25th, 1989, to Phil Howch, a European American, and Jennifer Miyamoto, a Japanese American. Though she was a third generation Japanese American, my mother always felt a strong bond to her ancestral homeland, so she made sure to teach me the language. My father was a busy man, much of which I later learned was cheating on my mother, so eventually they were divorced and my mother and I moved to Japan in 2004.

2004 would turn out to be a more eventful year than even a divorce can predict. I was born with a birth defect, pectus excavatum. Basically, my sternum is inverted, leaving me with a deep crater in my chest. That much I knew my whole life. But in 2004, I learned of its darker effects. While running for gym class, my heart started skipping beats and I fainted. Upon a medical examination, it was found my birth defect constricted my heart irreversibly, leaving me with quite literally a broken heart.

After spending much of 2005 hopping between hospitals and being completely emotionally withdrawn in class, my uncle, who likes to call himself Nurse, recommended I go to his place of work, Yamaku, for schooling. After much research and a confirmation of a totally free ride there, I was enrolled in time for the 2006 year. The following is the journal I kept, recording the lovely memories I have of the even more lovely people I met while I was at Yamaku.



Going to Yamaku for the first time was daunting, to say the least. I find my way past the gates of the school, revealing to me a massive and quite tranquil campus. This is what I imagined universities looked like, not high schools! Totally disoriented, I gaze around the campus, absorbing the sights. A security guard comes by and shows me a rather basic tour of the school with a couple other new students, who seemed just as taken aback by the look of the school as I was. After going around the whole outside of the school and handing us envelopes with a map, a dorm room number and a key, the school rules, and a class list, the guard leaves without further ado, leaving me to absentmindedly walk around.

That is, until I bump into a girl with a huge mass of gorgeous, pink hair facing away from me. "Wahaha!~ If you were that eager to meet sooner, I would've come sooner Shicc- Oh! You aren't Shicchan! Actually, I haven't seen you here before! Are you a new student?" Flustered, I respond, "Um, yeah. This is my first time seeing this place in person, I'm amazed!" "Wahaha!~ Everyone says that when they first come here! Anyway, my name is Misha!" She places her hands on her hips and beams a smile that should've ripped her face asunder. This girl is cute... Lost in thought momentarily, I shake my head and reply. "Er, my name is Howch Kohoshiro. Just call me Kohoshiro, I'm from America, so I don't mind you using my first name right away." Misha nearly squeals with delight. "Ooo, America?! I've always wanted to visit there! I have a few T-shirts from America," she ends with a hand on her hip and a finger in the air.

It was at about this time I fully recover from meeting this boisterous, beautiful girl, and I realize I am standing in the sun, burning up. My heart is starting to pound. Not wanting to show signs of weakness my first day, I excuse myself after having Misha point out the boy's dorms to me. Finding my room, I strip and fall asleep in the blink of an eye. I need to get back into shape...

I wake up the next day, suddenly feeling the 18 hours I lost to slumber. I force myself out of bed to find the cafeteria and library, two rooms I know I would visit often. The aggressive growl my stomach gives off led me to pick the former first. Pulling out my basic map of Yamaku, I find my way to the cafeteria. Who should I find, but Miss Pink Herself, Misha. "Hey, new kid! Come over here!” She is sitting with a cute, nerdy, and serious looking girl with medium length, dark hair. Her glasses give a certain sharpness to her. It was at this point I'm distracted by she and Misha's furious hand gesturing at one another. Was this sign language?

"..." She isn't speaking to me, but she is looking at me as she moves her hands to Misha. "Shicchan says "Hello, Howch. I am Hakamichi. Just because you're from the west doesn't mean you can use my personal name yet, but its Shizune." Oh Shicchan, lighten up!" Shizune glares at Misha. I'm not sure what to say, so the growl my stomach gives off changes the subject. "Wahaha! Looks like you're hungry, Kohoshiro! And! You're in need of a nickname!" Ugh, I hate nicknames. Hopefully the look of revulsion on my face will telegraph that. "What's there to eat here? Anything good?" Shizune looks downward to the unidentifyable slop on her tray, glaces over to Misha's obviously homemade brown bag lunch, then looks me dead in the eye. I quickly shift my gaze to Misha's hands. She must be translating everything I say to Shizune and back again. No wonder she's so scatterbrained, she has to run 2 languages through her head all the time. "Kochan? AH~! Misha jolts upright so fast that the table we are sitting at gets tilted, sending Shizune ass first onto the floor, while I barely manage to hold on. "I need to go to the bathroom!" Misha flies towards the restroom, leaving Shizune and I in awkward silence. I give her a soft smile, butnshe just looks at me as if she was analyzing me until Misha returns.

I eat and talk with Shizune and Misha for an hour about the school, much of which was them all but begging me to join the student council. Hell, if I don't find anything extracurricular to do soon, I might just do that. After having Misha point me in the way of the library, I set off. This school is huge. So many of the halls look alike. After a while, I take to quickly looking into rooms that have little sound coming from them. I reach the third door of the hall when I hear the soft sound of a book closing and the soft clatter of china on china. Do they have a cafe in the library? I ponder how wealthy the owners of this school are as I open the door. But as soon as I look inside, that train of thought vanished. Behind the door, is a nearly empty room with a table, a tea set, and a few games. Oh, and perhaps the most beautiful woman I have seen in my life.

Obviously very tall, especially for a Japanese woman, she sits gracefully with her eyes lightly closed, not even having to look where her teacup is before grabbing it and taking a sip. Her hair is long, and wavy, like my hair, except blonde and not brown, and much longer. She must've heard me scuff my feet, because she slowly opens her eyes and looks towards me. Her eyes are a beautiful blue, but on closer inspection, I notice they are clouded over completely. She must be blind. "Hanako, is that you? No, I don't believe so, that footstep is heavier than hers. Who is there?" Her voice gives the impression of class and politeness. "I-I'm Howch Kohoshiro. Just call me Kohoshiro, I’m no fan of my family name. I just arrived at Yamaku the other day. It's a pleasure to meet you, miss...?" I hate being polite. I'm so informal, and that is one thing that doesn't exactly mesh very well with Japanese culture. "I'm Lilly, Lilly Satou. I can tell by your accent that you're from the west, where are you from?" "I moved here from America a few years ago. My mother is Japanese and my father is American." I throw that last part in as a way to have her have an idea of what I look like, but I quickly realize that information is utterly useless to her. "Ah, so you're only half Japanese, too? I'm half Scottish, myself." Yeah, I can definitely see that. Something about her looks reminds me of my Scottish family that I once met at a family reunion, back when my parents were together. Except she's sipping tea, not whiskey. After a brief silence, Lilly says, "Would you like some tea? I always brew quite a bit for my friend and myself." I hate tea. And it's horrible for me. How should I put this politely? "I'm sorry to decline, but tea isn't very good for me. Anything with a lot of caffeine, really. My heart isn't so great..." "So I take it that your heart is what brought you to Yamaku? My, my, how romantic, Kohoshiro." She gives a soft giggle and I blush. I definitely wouldn't mind being romantic with her.

After some small talk, I ask Lilly if she could direct me to the library. "Oh, well you're in very good luck. I was just about to go to the library myself to meet my friend Hanako, if you'd like to join me." We set aside the tea set, before stepping out of the room. I'll have to come back here more often... I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a light tug on my sleeve. Lilly has taken a very dainty grip on me. "I hope you don't mind, Kohoshiro. I know this school quite well, but it is always nice to have a guide." Without even a thought, I answer with, "Isn't that a lot like the blind leading the blind in this case?" Oh god. What did I just say? I immediately start kicking myself and preparing to flee when I hear her lightly chuckle. "You know, that might be quite an accurate statement. There are signposts pointing to the library, Kohoshiro." Fuck, did I really miss a bunch of signs? I need new glasses. We set off for the library in relative silence. She seems to sense I'm taking the school in.

Finally, we arrive at the library. "Kohoshiro, can you go to the back and find Hanako for me? There is something I need to discuss with Yuuko, the librarian.” At the mention of the name, a loud bang responds from under the front counter. A dazed, freckled woman with her glasses half off her face pops up from under the desk. "I-I wasn't asleep! Oh, I'm in the library, I shouldn't be so loud! I'm sososososo sorry..." I look around, and there doesn't seem to be anyone here... Where's this Hanako, anyway? "Who is this, Lilly? I don't think we've met." "Yuuko, this is Kohoshiro. He's a new student." I timidly wave to her. Are all the girls in this school cute? "Yuuko, do you happen to know where Hanako is? We came here to look for her and briefly discuss the textbook situation." "Hanako's in the back, with the beanbags, of course." Yuuko waves her arm hesitantly back and forth before deciding which direction I should walk.

Leaving these two charming women to discuss their books, I head towards where Yuuko pointed. I pass by the science fiction section, so I swing by quickly. To my surprise, a Japanese edition of Philip K. Dick's ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’ was on the shelf. I grab it and continue going to the back. And then I saw her. Her face is draped in long, gorgeous purple hair, covering a face with strikingly beautiful features. "H-Hanako?" She immediately jumps up with a small shriek. The look on her face is one of pure terror. "Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry! Lilly sent me here to find you and..." "L-Lilly s-s-sent y-you?" If the library wasn't as silent as it was, I never would have heard that meek voice. I barely heard it as is. "Uh, yeah. She told me to tell you that she's ready to head to the tea room, if you've finished reading." I glance at the book she's holding. ‘The Invisible Man’ by H. G. Wells. A classic. "How are you liking that? I read that a few years ago." She stares at the floor, occasionally flicking her eyes back to me. There's something on her face... "I-it's g-g-good. Uhhhh... IHAVEGOTTOGODOSOMETHING." She speeds through the aisles back to the front of the library.

Catching up, I see her in a deep embrace with Lilly. "Ah, Hanako, I assume you've met our new friend. I also assume he hasn't told you his name yet? He doesn't seem to be in any rush to introduce his name to new people." Hanako nervously peeks out a little from behind Lilly. "Hi Hanako, I'm Kohoshiro." She scans my body with her eyes quickly. "K-Kohoshiro. N-nice to m-m-m-meet y-you." With a small smile, she turns towards Hanako. "Well, seeing as we're all here and my business with Yuuko is settled, why don't we head back to the tea room?" Hanako and I both agree, so we exit the library. I glance back to see Yuuko furiously tossing about pieces of paper and muttering to herself. Poor girl.

As we walk down the hall, I notice Hanako has a very weird way of walking. I soon notice she is only stepping on the darker tiles of the floor. That reminds me of a game I used to play with myself on tiles, where I would only move in the pattern of a knight from chess.
I start to play, but I get caught up in it and fall behind. Right as I realize this, a sudden force knocks me to the ground. Dazed, I try to get back up, but fall back down after I feel the weight of something on top of me. My eyes finally focus, and I see that a short, strawberry blonde haired girl with dual ponytails. And metal blades for lower legs. "Oh, hey Emi. I was wondering when I'd run into you, hahaha." This is Emi Ibarazaki. We met a few years ago through my uncle, but she and I have never really talked much. "Huh? Hey, Kohoshiro! It's been a while!" Lilly and Hanako noticed that I fell behind when they heard the thud of Emi and I falling, and had just gotten to me as we recognized each other. "I stopped hearing your footsteps and then Hanako said you and Emi fell, are you alright?" Lilly asks. "Yeah Lilly, we're fine. Emi and I were just catching up," I replied. "Hey Emi, you mind getting off me? Kinda want to stand up." She blushes and pushes herself off of me, bounding upright, then grabs my arm to pull me to my feet. "Hey, it was nice bumping into you again, Kohoshiro, but I've gotta go see Nurse. I'll talk to you guys later!" She runs off, and I shout to her, "Tell the guy I said hi, and that he'll see me at three!" She throws a thumbs up behind her and turns a corner.

Lilly, Hanako and I return to the tea room. "Oh good, the tea is still warm. Would you like some, Hanako?" Hanako sends a quick glace my way then stutters out "Y-y-yes p-please." Lilly pours her a cup of tea as she takes a seat across from Lilly. I take the seat to the left of Hanako, which seems to take her aback. She's looking straight at Lilly, but I can see she's peeking at me from the corner of her eye. I looked towards Lilly, and behind her, I see a stack of games. Among them, I see a chess board. "Do either of you play chess? I haven't played it in years." Hanako turns to me with a brighter face while Lilly softly smiles. "Hanako and I both play, but she's the far better player than I am. I haven't beaten her once!" "Y-you'll win someday..." Hanako replies, sounding a little less meek than before. I get up and grab the board. Hanako and I set up the pieces. "W-who p-plays first?" Lilly answers, "I'm not much in the mood for chess today, why don't you two play?" Hanako and I pick sides and then start the game. In no time flat, she has my king checkmated. "G-good game." She starts a small smile, which I return. "Good game indeed, Hanako. You're really quite good!" She blushes and looks away from me. I decide to start asking about the school. "How do you two like Yamaku? Have you been here long?" Lilly answers for them both. "We quite like this school. The staff and students are nice enough. And we've both been here since the beginning of high school. Do you know anyone here besides Emi, Hanako, and myself?" "Yeah, yesterday I met these girls named Misha and Shizune. They wanted me on the student council." Suddenly, Lilly's smile dropped. "Well that's not very surprising. There are only two people in the student council." I'm stunned. "It's really just them? Why?" Lilly's smile returns, a little coy this time. "Perhaps it's because out class president's management style is unsatisfactory to most." I've hit a nerve. Time to change the subject.

Before I could, a loud sound comes from Lilly's direction. She apologizes and excuses herself, before pulling out her phone and answering it. So now it's just Hanako and I... I'm always nervous around cute girls, but the cute girls usually aren't this nervous around me. I need to break the tension. "So what other games do you like playing, Hanako?" Her eyes lighten up again. "I-I like p-playing pool, and G-Go, and a few other t-t-things..." I wonder... "Would you happen to like video games?" She seems mildly interested before she looks a bit sad. "A-a little... I h-h-haven't r-really played them s-since I was a k-kid." "Are you going to be here long? I want to grab something in my room and bring it here." She thinks for a second. "L-Lilly and I-I were going to s-stay in here t-today until after lunch." I tell her to wait here and I run to my room. I rummage through one of my bags until I find what I need. I have a portable DVD player I brought over from the States, useful because all my DVDs are NTSC-U, as well as a Sega Genesis with a box of games. I throw them in my backpack and run back to the tea room.

After hooking everything up, I put Streets of Rage 2 in and flip up the power switch. A smile crosses my face as soon as I hear the iconic music by Yuzo Koshiro. I hand the second controller to Hanako and briefly explain the controls. While I do so, I also make sure to pick Blaze, the Female character. She tries to select Blaze, but can't since I did. She settles for Axel. We end up beating the whole game in one sitting. Giving a small "Yes!" Hanako threw her fist in the air in victory, which also threw her hair aside. For the first time, I see what's on her face. A good fourth of her face is red with burn scars. I briefly remember visiting the burn ward while in the hospital before I realize I must be staring and look away. She must have noticed, because she's furiously blushing and covering her face. "Well it certainly sounds like you two had fun." Hanako and I both jump. In our focus, neither of us noticed that Lilly had come back. "Oh, I'm so sorry Lilly! Hanako and I were so caught up in this game, we didn't notice you came back..." Lilly gives a derisive wave, "Oh don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're having fun."

Soon, my stomach loudly growls. We all take it as the que to go get something to eat. Instead of going toward the cafeteria, they go towards the gates. "Are we not eating on campus?" I ask. "No, there's a small village down the road from the school with a cafe Hanako and I quite enjoy. We like to eat there often." I decide that there's nothing to lose, so we head down the long hill to the village. Along the way, very little is said, until Lilly decides to bring that up. "You don't say much, do you, Kohoshiro?" It's true, I have a lot more to say internally than externally, especially around people I've just met. "No, I don't. I once heard that people who don't speak much don't waste words, and that makes what they say all the more important when they do. I really believe that, especially for myself." Hanako seems to agree, because while it is still a small one, she gives me lovely smile. "You are much like Hanako, then. When we first met, she hardly said a word to me, despite us having tea together quite often. When she finally spoke up, she had obviously thought what she had to say well. It's something I deeply admire about her." Hanako's face turns a deep crimson blush, and her smile gets a little wider.

We return to silence until Hanako tugs my sleeve. "T-that's the cafe." She points to a small shop with the name "The Shanghai." Logical name to me, tea hails from China, after all. We step inside, and the place is deserted. A small, mousy looking waiter comes up to us to take our orders. Hanako and Lilly both order tea and a slice of lemon cake, while I decide on a turkey sandwich and a glass of water. I really have to wonder, how much tea do these two drink? My heart is racing just thinking about it. As we wait for our food, Lilly starts giving some small talk, but Hanako and I don't say much. After a few minutes, the waiter returns with the tray, gently setting the teapot and a teacup next to Lilly's hand, just loud enough that she turns her head to face it. "Thank you, Mr. Kondo." She beging to pour her tea, then beckons for Hanako to give her cup. I reach for my glass, but my hand meets something along the way, then something burning hot covers it. "OWWWW!" I shout so loud that the waiter, who was cleaning in the back, jumped up with a shout. Lilly looks confused, and Hanako looks petrified. "I-I-I-I am s-s-s-s-so s-s-sorry!" Hanako is grabbing as many napkins as she can to give to me. My hands feel like they're melting. The skin had already turned a few shades darker than usual. I run off to the bathroom to run cold water over it, but it doesn't do much to help. As soon as I leave the bathroom, I bump into Hanako. "A-are you okay?!" She must've noticed the surprise and pain in my face, because she steps back a good few feet. "Yeah, I'll be okay. This isn't the first time I've been scalded. But I think I should head back to the school and see the nurse, just in case. I have an appointment with him in an hour anyway, and I'm sure he won't mind if I come early." Hanako's face bleeds guilt. I walk back to the table to grab my sandwich, and to leave money for my order to Lilly. "Oh no, Kohoshiro, it's quite alright if you just go. I can cover your costs." I feel relieved, because I have very little money on me, but at the same time, guilty to have a new friend already pick up the tab for me. I stop and realize that I thought friend. We had only just met, can I call her a friend already? A wave of pain from my hand snaps me out of thought. I thank her, and say goodbye to Hanako and Lilly. I hope Lilly can calm her down, she looks on the verge of tears. Before I leave, Lilly insists upon giving me her cell phone number. "You wouldn't be the first person to get lost going back to Yamaku from here." I give her mine as well, and then I leave.

My sense of direction is quite good, but I still have a little trouble finding my way at first. I make it back in 45 minutes, giving me enough time to find the nurse's office. I gently knock, but the door was ajar, so my knocks opened it about halfway. "...end up in worse shape if you don't take care of yourself! Do you remember what happened the last time you got an infection?" The nurse seems to be scolding Emi, and she looks deeply embaressed. And then she sees me. And she goes full on deer-in-headlights. "Kohoshiro!" As I prepare to give my own apologies, the nurse sees my hand. "Woah, those are some second degree burns if I've ever seen them." Emi takes advantage of his distraction to escape. "Don't think I'll forget about this, Ibrazaki! I swear, that girl has no idea when she needs to stop pushing herself. So how'd you get your hand in this shape? Sticking your hands in boiling water again." I'm stunned. When I was 4, I was fascinated by the bubbles in a pot of boiling water, so I tried poking them, and ended up burning myself quite badly. I can't believe my mother told him that story. "No, Nurse. If you must know, a new friend of mine accidentally spilled tea on my hand." He opens one of his eyes. "Tea? I hope you weren't drinking any. Though wearing it is probably about as bad as drinking it for you." His twisted sense of humour always gives me a smile. The Nurse is a relative of my mother's, and they've kept in touch over the years. So growing up, when my mother used to take me on trips to Japan, we'd go stay with Uncle Nurse, and many of my fondest memories of this country are of him cracking his silly jokes. "Ahh, good to see you still find me funny. Your mother never quite got my jokes." He finishes bandaging my hand, and then moves on to checking my heart. My condition is caused by a physical constriction, not an internal defect, so there isn't much a can do for it other than taking it easy. "Well, everything sounds to be in order. You liking it here, Kohoshiro?" I nod. He knows I don't say much. Hell, it looks like that soon enough, the whole school will know. "You're good to go, but I'm going to want to take a look at that hand tomorrow morning. Get here early, before class, I don't want you missing your first day." I turn and leave, closing the still open door behind me. I pass a man in a big, brown trenchcoat, with eyes that look heavy with tiredness, and messy hair. He looks really familiar, I think I've seen him in photos at Nurse's house.

I remember that I had left my things in the tea room, so I make my way there. Once I get in, I see Hanako there, clutching my things. "Oh, hey Hanako." She's so startled that she almost drops the Genesis. "K-Kohoshiro! I-I-I was just..." I cut her off. "Bringing me my things?" "Y-yes. L-L-Lilly had to go s-speak to someone and..." She starts crying. "I'm s-s-s-so s-sorry! I s-should've b-been more c-c-c-careful, and now your h-hand is in a b-b-bandage..." I walk over to her and put my unbandaged hand on her shoulder. "Hanako, don't worry about it. The niuse said it'll be fine, and it doesn't even hurt that much anymore." Okay, that last part was a lie, but I don't want to make her feel any worse than she already does. I take my things from her, and place them in my bag. "Hey, listen, please don't feel bad about this. It was an honest mistake, and I'm as much to blame as you are. Do you have a cell phone? I want to have lunch with you two again tomorrow, and in case we don't run into each other, I'd like to have a way to find out where you are." She very nervously looks around the room for a scrap of paper and a pen, writes her number, and weakly hands it to me. "Thanks, Hanako. I'll catch you later!

I spend the next few hours nursing my hand, and reading Do Androids Dream. This book is fascinating. As it progresses, it challenges the reader to decide what really makes a person a person. As I sit in awe of Philip Dick's masterful writing, I notice that it has quickly reached dinner time. I set out for the cafeteria.

When I get there, I don't see anyone I know, so I grab a tray and join the line. After receiving a healthy serving of... something, I go to find a table. "Hey, Kohoshiro!" I turn, and see that Emi is bounding towards me. "I've been meaning to see you again today. I have an offer you can't refuse!" I tilt my head in confusion. "How would you like to have dinner on the roof with two lovely ladies tonight?" She says with a wink. Well, I really have nowhere else to go, as the whole cafeteria is filled, plus I've been meaning to speak to Emi more that I'll see her often. "Sure, why not. Who will be joining us?" Emi smiles and says, "My friend Rin! Wshe's a little strange, but I think you'll like her." She grabs my hand. "Now come on, she's waiting!" I'm tugged to another building, up a rather gloomy looking staircase. Emi opens the door to the roof. It has a great view of the school. On instinct, I look up at the clouds. "...Look more to the right." A dreamy voice from nowhere says. I look down, and see a slender, redheaded girl, laying down and staring at the clouds. "There's a rabbit cloud over there. It isn't an actual rabbit." I raise an eyebrow. "You know, if you were a girl, I could see your panties right now. I can see Emi's." Emi and I both turn a deep scarlet, and Emi pushes her skirt closer to her thighs. "Rin!!!" I think she's too embarassed to say anything else.

I lay down next to Rin, and look at the clouds. There's a slight overcast, and many interesting shapes litter the sky. "Um, Rin, I got your food." Rin shoots up, and pulls the bag towards her with her feet. I just noticed she has no arms. With surprising dexterity, she pulls a salad from the bags, and grabs a fork from Emi's hand between her toes. I try not to stare, but I am amazed at how good she is with her feet. I wonder... "Hey Rin, can you do this?" I lift my foot, and bring it to my ear, a talent I've had most my life. Growing up, my friends were always amused by my double-jointedness. "Mr. President, the package is en route, I repeat, en route!" Emi busts out laughing, spraying food from her mouth. Rin's eyes widen. "I have never tried." She lifts her foot, and places it flesh with the side of her face. "I can." Emi starts laughing even harder, gasping for breath. "I... -Gasp- knew you two would get along. I remember you doing that years ago, Kohoshiro!" I smile, glad to know I can bring amusement so easily. Maybe my childhood dream of being a clown wasn't so silly. Wait, yeah it was. Letting my stomach take over, I devour my food, which wasn't as bad as I thought. Still wasn't planning on asking what it was, though.

"So how are you liking Yamaku, Kohoshiro?" I swallow my last bite and reply. "I like it here so far. The people I've met so far are really friendly." She gives a smile. "Yeah? You must have a way with people, usually Hanako won't spend a second longer than she has to around people she doesn't talk to." She must be even more anxious than I thought. "Really? She seems to warm up to me rather quickly, relatively speaking." Emi raises an eyebrow, then drops it almost immediately. "Well then it must be Lilly. She and Hanako have been very close. Hey, whag happened to your hand?!" Well, it took her long enough to notice. One would think how I talk with my hands would have clued her in sooner. "Oh it's nothing, just a little burn. Nurse patched it up for me." At the mention of his name, Emi's face sours slightly. Better change the subject. "So what do you two do for fun around here?" Emi's face bounces back a smile. "I run, of course! I'm the star of the track team!" She's beaming a huge smile eat me. "And Rin paints! She's really great." Rin shrugs. "I'm okay." I smile at Rin. "You'll have to show me your work sometime, Rin. I love art!" She gives another shrug. "Okay." Then she returns to pecking at her food. As soon as she finishes, she falls back to look at the clouds.

I remember that yesterday, I wanted to get in shape. "Hey, Emi, I have a question." Her mouth is full of food, so she gives me a muffled, "Yeff?" I laugh a little before continuing. "Do you think you can train me a bit? I want to get back into shape, and I used to run. I figured it'd be a nice way for us to hang out, and for me to get more healthy." The smile she gives me could be seen from space. "Of course! I've always wanted to train someone. Meet me on the track, first thing in the morning tomorrow!" Okay, starting to regret this already. "Um, Emi, I don't really think I want to do that on my first day of school... Can we do it after school?" She pouts at me, but eventually nods. "Hey, after I get used to my classes, I'll run with you in the mornings. Deal?" There's the smile again. "I'm gonna hold you to that! Don't think that just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't kick your ass!" I chuckle, because I know for a fact she could. I'm more fragile than a man of glass bones and paper skin.

It's getting late, so I decide to call it a night. I wish Emi and Rin a good night, and Emi gives me a big hug. Mmmmm, hehe. Rin barely even moves, and just utters, "Night." Today was really interesting. I've already met a good few people I could be friends with. I exchange cell numbers with Emi, and head back to my room. I finish Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, then get ready for bed. I'm out like a light the second my head touches the pillow.

[CloudGrain]

Formatting is somewhat of an issue; the standard for writing dialogue is that each and every time a new speaker begins, so does a new paragraph to somewhat stem the possibility of confusion as to the speaker. Your very first interaction between Howch and Misha for example, ought to be 'split up' as follows.

That is, until I bump into a girl with a huge mass of gorgeous, pink hair facing away from me. "Wahaha!~ If you were that eager to meet sooner, I would've come sooner Shicc- Oh! You aren't Shicchan! Actually, I haven't seen you here before! Are you a new student?"

Flustered, I respond, "Um, yeah. This is my first time seeing this place in person, I'm amazed!"

"Wahaha!~ Everyone says that when they first come here! Anyway, my name is Misha!" She places her hands on her hips and beams a smile that should've ripped her face asunder. This girl is cute... Lost in thought momentarily, I shake my head and reply.

"Er, my name is Howch Kohoshiro. Just call me Kohoshiro, I'm from America, so I don't mind you using my first name right away."

Misha nearly squeals with delight. "Ooo, America?! I've always wanted to visit there! I have a few T-shirts from America," she ends with a hand on her hip and a finger in the air.

Your pacing seems to be somewhat odd and staggered, going from a relatively nicely paced backstory and bit of dialogue to Howch escaping Misha's clutches without a single extra word uttered and falling asleep within just anther few sentences. It feels a little bit... Unnatural, off, odd? However you'd want to describe it from the reader's perspective when they don't have the perfect mindset for the piece of writing that you've created. While all the little details do exist in your own mind, it's fairly impossible for the readers to fill in the blanks without at least a tiny bit of direction from you.

The fact that this seems somewhat like a self-insert also... Eh, it puts me personally off just a little bit, although obviously I don't speak for everyone everywhere. There's a fine line in my own mind between creating a story with differences and creating a different story. Embedding the character forcefully to 'take over' for another just doesnt' sit quite as naturally as finding a niche for them to sit in. I've seen various introductions of various Original Characters around these forums, and most of them focus moreso upon the relationships you can assume exist between people rather than mirroring the storylines of the game's protagonist with just a new tilt to it. Katawa Shoujo is one of the rare few 'universes' I've seen where the creation of someone unique to fill up a new small or un-thought-of place is almost more viable than the replacement or modification of one of the original characters.

Despite these criticisms, you're obviously putting some decent effort into this. It wasn't something you just threw up onto here after twenty minutes at a keyboard. Unfortunately, I have to admit that I don't see it as something you created after an entire day of obsessing over the smaller details in order to get something that sounded natural to an outside reader. Beginning tp write is difficult when you're writing for an audience, especially so when there's a lot of good content out there you'll probably be unfairly compared to at first. But it's also something of a blessing, since there's so much you can learn by simply reading other people's works.

I would recommend you look at some of the more 'critically acclaimed' fanfictions that're on this site. There are literally thousands upon thousands of pages of writing in this forum, with plenty of it qualifying as some seriously good work. Learn a little bit from them where you can, take a few little notes on what seems to work and what doesn't. Remember the writing style of the actual Visual Novel, usually paragraphs of maybe three-sentences, often quite a bit less. Descriptive but not overly-so once something has been touched upon. Definitely happy to see another person reaching out and trying to create something within this absolutely stunning universe, and hope that the little bits of advice I can hope to give will only serve to let you do it even better.

Cheers,

[AntonSlavik020]

CloudGrain mentioned the problems in the story better than I ever could, so I won't add to them. It does seem like you put effort into it, but it does need work. That said, I did like how the main character is related to Nurse. You can't have too much Nurse.

[Kohowch]

To CloudGrain: (Sorry, I dodn't know how to directly reply...)

Thank you for your feedback! I am aware that the formatting leaves much to be desired, I will have each line as it's own individual line when I reupload this. This was more of a test post to see if my continued efforts would be in vain or not.

Much of this was written quite hastily, because I had a lot of ideas I wanted to pour out, and a few of those ideas changed while I was working on this... I promise I'll have it polished up, and paced better in the next upload!

As for the self insert thing, I realize that is rather a niche thing for people to like, but I plan to write this much in the style of the original story. I figured a different character would be in order to date Misha, haha. And Hisao is a bit thick, so writing for him would be as frustrating as it was to read some of the stupid things he did to me. However, I'm not going to replace Hisao, he will eventually show up when he would have in the original story, and more or less go down Emi's route. My plan is to have sort of a "good route for everyone," but it will have conflict, feels, and the other things found in Katawa Shoujo itself.

To be quite honest, most of this was pumped out very quickly. I don't think I spent more than 5 non consecutive hours writing and editing it... I'm just getting back into writing after a very long bout of writer's block, so I'm trying to give myself a sort of challenge.

I've read quite a few KS fan fictions, actually! I'll attempt to mirror the style of a few of my favourites, but not the substance,

At any rate, thank you for the feedback! It will most definitely be reflected in the next edit of this, as well as future chapters.


And now, to AntonSlavik020: Haha, yeah, originally, he was to be just a family friend, but I figured that him being related to the main character would have some very great story potential.

[Mirage_GSM]

My impression of the prologue:
MC named the same as the poster - check.
American youth going to a school in Japan for flimsy reasons - check.

Conclusion: Another self-insert Mary Sue story.

After that it doesn't get much better. The beginning is basically an amalgamation of scenes from the VN - all crammed into a single day - with Hisao exchanged for your OC: He has lunch with Shizune and Misha, goes looking for the library and ends up in the tea room, goes to the library with Lilly to meet Hanako, then gets run over by Emi, plays chess with Hanako...
Some lines are lifted verbatim from the VN - only here he can see Emi's panties even before lieing down^^°

...and he has his harem completed on his very first day in Yamaku.

Which brings me to the characters. Emi and Rin are okay, but with Lilly and Hanako I have trouble even recognizing them as the characters from the VN. Hanako is best buddies with him after only a few hours - something that took Hisao weeks to accomplish - and Lilly is sending someone she just met to "go find Hanako"...

On the technical side, the main problems are tenses which freely change between past and present, often within the same sentence.
Also pronouns:

After going around the whole outside of the school and handing us envelopes with a map,

Who is "us"? Is there someone with him?

It was at this point I'm distracted by she and Misha's furious hand gesturing

"her and Misha's"

leaving Shizune and I in awkward silence.

"Shizune and me"

I realize this feedback is mostly negative, but it's kind of hard to write anything else. Maybe a few tips on how to improve it:

First of all, a character needs to have flaws to be relatable. So far your MC doesn't seem to have any. Making him Japanese would also help make him seem less a Mary Sue - and provide an explanation for how he could know Emi. He supposedly lived in the US up to that point, didn't he?
Then you said you had a lot of ideas you wanted to pour out. That's not always the best way to do it. For example, if this story is about your OC X Misha and Hisao is going to end up on Emi's path - something you shouldn't tell us this early, but too late for that now - why even introduce Lilly and Hanako this early? They'll be secondary characters at best, and just leaving them out and introducing them later would have avoided a good portion of the criticism I listed above.
Finally we have a very useful thread with tips for fanfiction writers that I recommend.

[LilyKitsune]

My impression of the prologue:
MC named the same as the poster - check.
American youth going to a school in Japan for flimsy reasons - check.

Conclusion: Another self-insert Mary Sue story.

My, how I love Munchenhausen's story. =p

It covers these wonderfully.