Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Guest Poster » Wed Nov 19, 2014 1:43 pm

Thanks for the comments.
You obviously put a lot of research into this. I don’t think any other story here considered ‘exam hell’ as something that was a good idea to cover.
The initial version of Sisterhood was based somewhat on Lilly's route and for the expansion I took a few cues from Shizune's, which included graduation. I didn't want to gloss over it the way Shizune's did, because I felt that the stress of Japanese cramming season and the kind of impact it'd have on a school like Yamaku's was a genuinely interesting subject that had never been covered before. Most fanfics either take place around summer break or long after the protagonists have left Yamaku.
My biggest complaint would be about a completely abandoned storyline. Hanako meets Iwanako, suggests to Hisao that they try going to one of the places he used to hang out at (and therefore risk running into his old friends), and he says he wants to think about it.

This is never addressed again.

No mention of what Hisao thought about it. Iwanako doesn’t get mentioned again. Nobody from Hisao’s pre-Yamaku life is seen. Why is the encounter part of the story if nothing happens as a result? The only things this scene provides for us is Hanako’s thoughts about what people usually say to her when meeting her for the first time. Even the fact that Iwanako has moved on isn’t new, it was obvious from her letter to Hisao.
It's not really addressed again because, in the long run, I didn't feel it mattered that much. Two chapters after that karaoke date, Hisao has gained new juniors for the science club and he's started tutoring several of them. He eventually builds a new network at Yamaku that he enjoys being part of. Hisao was a little uneasy suddenly being back in an environment that was part of a former life, but once he was back at Yamaku, he went full-steam ahead again. Since the story already had several plotlines going on, I didn't think I needed to develop this one further.

Iwanako's cameo appearance wasn't really for Hisao's sake, but more for Hanako's. The reader already somewhat knew that Hisao's former flame moved on, but Hanako did not. The main point of the scene with Iwanako was to bring up the "moving on"-theme, which is a major theme in the story itself. Several characters in the story have faced painful experiences in the past and are tasked with the challenge of putting the past behind them and moving on to give things another chance. Hisao is one example. The Satous are another one, both as individuals and as a family unit. And Iwanako is one. The biggest example is Hanako herself. She sees others go through this process: her boyfriend, her best friend and her family and even total strangers. Occasionally, she even tries to coax others along in this process. Figuring out whether and how to move on with her own life after everything that happened is central to Hanako's plotline and the fact that others are going through similar (though smaller) processes themselves is both a source of inspiration and, during her relapse, a source of shame. But yeah, the scene with Iwanako should be seen in this light, rather than an attempt to let Hisao revisit his past.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

User avatar
AceLions
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:29 pm
Location: Fort Myers, Fla

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by AceLions » Thu Nov 20, 2014 1:26 am

It’s been a while since I first read the first part so I decided to start over when I reread the whole thing. It is a very good story. Miss Yumi & Jun are great characters. You really show off Miss Yumi’s caring & why she is so good for Hanako making her click with everyone even me. I think Jun would prolly be able to find a good boyfriend in her university since a lot of guys in her field would love to date a hardcore gammer girl.
Ace Lions

Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Guest Poster » Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:18 pm

Miss Yumi & Jun are great characters.
Thanks.
You really show off Miss Yumi’s caring & why she is so good for Hanako making her click with everyone even me.
Yumi's caring side is a bit of a double-edged sword. It's her biggest strength and her biggest weakness. On the one hand, she's completely devoted to her job and the people put under her wing. On the other hand, a therapist is meant to be detached from his or her clients and Yumi sometimes has to make an active effort to avoid stepping over that line, failing rather spectacularly on one particular occasion when things threatened to slip out of her control.

Someone of Yumi's generation doing the job she does is kind of unusual since traditional Japanese culture dictates that women should marry and have children upon getting in their twenties and women would usually face a lot of pressure to quit their job after getting married. The "playing a role in the lives of many or in the lives of a few"-statement is meant to shed a bit of light on how she got to where she is and that she failed the detachment-test at least once in the past.
I think Jun would prolly be able to find a good boyfriend in her university since a lot of guys in her field would love to date a hardcore gammer girl.
Jun's problem isn't so much the fact that there are no boys AVAILABLE, but simply the fact that despite complaining about being single, she doesn't actually take any initiatives to talk to or hang out with boys, spending all her time surfing image boards or playing video games. Even her classmate points out to her that sitting around and expecting someone to show up on her doorstep isn't gonna reap results. :)
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

User avatar
AceLions
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:29 pm
Location: Fort Myers, Fla

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by AceLions » Sat Nov 22, 2014 1:40 am

All the research you put in to show off true cultural differences between Japan & Western areas is cool. It make me decide to do some to make sure I get some things right. Started watching Japanology on Youtube to learn some things the Cast will deal with.
Ace Lions

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2818
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Oddball » Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:25 am

Alright. I've been having some internet issues lately which is why I haven't been around much. I can only get on the net right now when I go over to somebody's house which is one a week at the most. Last time I was over, I downloaded each page the story was on to read later.

And now I've read it.

It's good. Not great. But really good.

I've seen quite a few stories with Lilly's parents before but I think this is my favorite version of them, and one of the few that makes them into actual people instead of just one note villains. Oddly enough, this has the side effect of making Akira come off to be the "bad guy" on a number of occasions and I'm not too sure how I feel about that.

Also, you're knowledge of the cultures and their various conflicting ideas was great. There was a lot of detail in that and it really gave some life to the story.

However, I feel the "True" versions of your story is far more flawed than the original. There was a sense of urgency in the original, while this one just kind of meandered all over the place. While it did give sections a more slice of life focus, at the same time, the story really had no consistent flow to it. It didn't help the fact that you would often have scenes that just felt like repeats of earlier stuff and we'd get write ups of what sounded like actually interesting invents just throw in as comments in Hanako's journal or emails.

Speaking of that, what happened to the dolphin? Hanako said it was a new part of their family and then it's never mentioned again. Not even a postcard hanging on her wall. The stuffed dog returns several times, but nothing about the dolphin? I know. Minor detail. It just stuck out to me. Maybe it's because she actually says that it's part of her family and that's not a word she tends to throw around.

Lots of people have mentioned the heart attack, I really had no problem with that. I knew something was going to happen along those lines when Hanako got medical training. I just thought that it would have something to do with Hisao instead. Hisao... he really didn't have much to do in this story, other than have sex with Hanako.

Which was totally starting to piss me off after a while. I got to the point where I'd start a chapter and be thinking. "Oh great. Another scene with Hisao and Hanako alone. This better not be another sex scene.... GODDAMMIT! I get it, okay! They have an active sex life and love each other very much but still aren't quite sure what they're doing. Okay. Point made. Can we just move along now?" Then I'd just start skimming it. That really needed some trimming.

I also really see no point in the alpha chapter that goes over the details in the relationship of Lilly's parents since you then later have them explain it to characters anyway. The whole chapter just feels out of place and interrupts the flow of the story. having them move back to Japan again also felt a bit too convenient. I did like Akira staying behind though and not quite fitting in as well as she thought she would. That was a nice touch.

I'm also surprised about the lack of Shizune's side of the family appearing. I expected at least Hideaki to make a few appearances. Iwanako I could have done without, as that appearance doesn't really add anything. It felt like it might go somewhere, but doesn't. Sure, it gives her some more closure, but as she's never seen before in the story or afterwards, it has no real effect. If it was for Hanako's benefit, it still doesn't work. Maybe if there had been some scenes of her still subtly feeling jealous like with Yuuko and the waitress in the game it may have meant something, but those were lacking here.

I'm also glad to see a return and major focus on Hanako's issues and how they messed things up for everyone with her having to stay in school.

It's the ending that really gets me though.
It felt a both a bit too "fairy tale ending". At the same time though, Hanako being adopted actually feels rather condescending towards the character to me. The story had been building up the idea that she had her own family now (a very nontraditional one but still one of her own) only for it to end with her be allowed to join somebody elses family instead.

Don't get me wrong. I liked the story, I just found it to not nearly be the masterpiece that some people and saying it was.
Not Dead Yet

Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Guest Poster » Mon Nov 24, 2014 1:29 pm

I've seen quite a few stories with Lilly's parents before but I think this is my favorite version of them, and one of the few that makes them into actual people instead of just one note villains. Oddly enough, this has the side effect of making Akira come off to be the "bad guy" on a number of occasions and I'm not too sure how I feel about that.
It wasn't really my intention to make Akira come across as the bad guy, but rather a bit like Emi came across while she was busy keeping Hisao at arm's length or shoving him out of her house. (in other words, harsh, but obviously hurting) Akira was also used to remind people that Hiro and Karla did abandon their children 6 years earlier. And she did have some very valid reasons to be upset with her parents. Most of the time Akira appears in fanfics, she's just the cool big sis. I wanted to explore her more damaged side a little bit, even if it wasn't always pretty. I tried to keep Akira sympathetic by making her feel bad about her outbursts afterwards and trying to be a sincerely good older sister figure to Lilly and Hanako when she wasn't grappling with her parental issues.
However, I feel the "True" versions of your story is far more flawed than the original. There was a sense of urgency in the original, while this one just kind of meandered all over the place. While it did give sections a more slice of life focus, at the same time, the story really had no consistent flow to it. It didn't help the fact that you would often have scenes that just felt like repeats of earlier stuff and we'd get write ups of what sounded like actually interesting invents just throw in as comments in Hanako's journal or emails.
Yeah, that's the thing with writing up a story that finishes with graduation...it's different from the "Lilly's going away"-plotline that was central to both the original version and Lilly's route. As for the journal/email stuff, unfortunately while I could have written all of those scenes out, it probably would have tagged another year to the development cycle.
Speaking of that, what happened to the dolphin? Hanako said it was a new part of their family and then it's never mentioned again. Not even a postcard hanging on her wall. The stuffed dog returns several times, but nothing about the dolphin? I know. Minor detail. It just stuck out to me. Maybe it's because she actually says that it's part of her family and that's not a word she tends to throw around.
Good point, I missed that one. Hanako does have a picture of the dolphin in her picture collage, though she and Lilly eventually ended up not renewing their subscription, to give others a chance to adopt the dolphin instead. Looking at the site, there's usually only a handful of dolphins at a time they offer for sponsoring. Hanako's dolphin wasn't part of it when I wrote that chapter (her mate was), but she is now, so I guess they rotate things.

About Hisao, I agree he eventually stops being central to the plot. Part of Hanako's development of her own network involved her life no longer revolving around him and having her own small circle of friends to do stuff with in addition to Hisao and Lilly. I didn't have any real conflicts lined up for Hisao, other than the examination hell mini-plotline, which was more about Yamaku as a whole than about Hisao in particular. Since Hanako's fear of life outside and Lilly's family became the central plot points, it was kind of hard to keep the spotlight on Hisao, seeing that he wasn't a vital plot element in either conflict. (though it WAS mentioned that Hanako and he played several chess games a week and frequently went on dates, so their interaction remained there, it was just told rather than shown)

About the H-scenes, point taken. It appears to be a rather recurring point. It's a shame, since those scenes were more excruciatingly difficult to write than other scenes.
I also really see no point in the alpha chapter that goes over the details in the relationship of Lilly's parents since you then later have them explain it to characters anyway. The whole chapter just feels out of place and interrupts the flow of the story.
I wrote it because I wanted to give the reader a glimpse into how Hiro and Karla ended up meeting and how they got to the point where they decided to get married, which is something Karla's story near the end doesn't go into. Also, I felt it was important to their characterisation to give them at least one major scene where it's just the two of them. During most of their scenes, only one of the two is present and even when they're together, they usually act as a unit. Chapter Alpha was there to show the reader how the two of them interacted with each other when nobody else was around.
I did like Akira staying behind though and not quite fitting in as well as she thought she would. That was a nice touch.
Thanks. For Akira's arc I looked up some stories from actual people with mixed blood and feeling like the odd one out in either of their parents' country/culture was a bit of a recurring element, so I integrated it into Akira's personality. (though not fitting in well ends up something that all three of her fellow-Satous and Hanako have experienced personally and can ironically relate to extremely well)
I'm also surprised about the lack of Shizune's side of the family appearing. I expected at least Hideaki to make a few appearances. Iwanako I could have done without, as that appearance doesn't really add anything. It felt like it might go somewhere, but doesn't. Sure, it gives her some more closure, but as she's never seen before in the story or afterwards, it has no real effect. If it was for Hanako's benefit, it still doesn't work. Maybe if there had been some scenes of her still subtly feeling jealous like with Yuuko and the waitress in the game it may have meant something, but those were lacking here.
The lack of Shizune's family was due to Hideaki and Jigoro being my two least favorite characters in the VN, so I didn't really trust my ability to write them well enough to do them justice. Iwanako's appearance was written to introduce the topic of "moving on" to Hanako, which becomes a topic central to her plot arc.
It's the ending that really gets me though. It felt a both a bit too "fairy tale ending". At the same time though, Hanako being adopted actually feels rather condescending towards the character to me. The story had been building up the idea that she had her own family now (a very nontraditional one but still one of her own) only for it to end with her be allowed to join somebody elses family instead.
I can't really say I agree with the condescending part. Assuming she and Hisao stuck with each other, she'd eventually join someone else's family at some point in the future. Near the beginning, Hanako did have the small family unit of Hisao, Lilly and herself though that was also at a time when Hisao was still feeling abandoned at a strange boarding school by his own parents while Lilly was struggling with how she viewed her parents. At that point in time, the three of them forming a small pseudo-family made sense for all three and not just for Hanako. After Hisao started mellowing out to his parents again and especially after Lilly started working to mend the rifts between her parents, herself and Akira, the situation started changing. Lilly still looked upon Hanako as a sister, but she probably would have felt extremely awkward talking about the three of them as "their little family" while at the same time doing everything she could to turn her biological family into a tight-knit family again. Asking her parents to adopt Hanako fits in neatly with a trait of Lilly that's highlighted at several points in the story: the unwillingness to choose between family members.

I played with the thought of merely implying Hanako was playing with the thought of signing the form in the near future instead of letting her take the actual leap in the final chapter, but I felt that a loose end like that would have felt unsatisfying to the reader and I also felt that by the time the final chapter rolled around, Hanako already had a new family in all but name and making things official was a rather small step in practice.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

Kain
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:14 pm

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Kain » Thu Dec 11, 2014 3:31 am

Wow, I remember reading the original version of your story, only about eighteen chapters. I finished going through Katawa Shoujo, finishing every route, as painful as some of them may have been. I recently started going through Katawa again, and since Hanako is my favorite, I finished her arc first this time. I then remembered your story and went to look for it. Imagine my surprise when I discover that the story has about 46 new chapters for me to go through. I read through your entire story in one night, and I loved it even more for its additions. It was a piece of fiction that at some moments wanted me not to keep going at some points because of how badly I felt for Hanako, how much your writing broke my heart for her. This was amazing, far, far better with the new additions. My only regret is that you can't keep writing this for ALL of Hanako's life. That would be rather amazing, but I think she'll finally be okay where you left it off. She has a family now, and Hisao. Thank you once again for writing this, I enjoyed it immensely and your talent knows no bounds.

Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Guest Poster » Thu Dec 11, 2014 2:40 pm

Thanks for the kind words.
My only regret is that you can't keep writing this for ALL of Hanako's life.
I doubt that would be that interesting in the long run. Hanako's life from the start of KS on has been peaks and throughs and I suspect things will remain that way for some time. I had some vague ideas of how things might proceed in the future...things like Hanako being confronted with the same things Lilly had to deal with during her first year at university and doing a much worse job than Lilly in dealing with them, Hisao having an episode in class and being forced to tell his classmates about his condition, with him and Hanako both trying to figure out how to go from there and how to deal with the awkwardness, Lilly getting into a relationship and Akira being proposed to and struggling with the dilemma of whether she wants to raise potential kids in Scotland or Japan. In the end though, they never became more than vague ideas and glimpses and in the end, it wouldn't make for a very exciting story. I think graduation was the most natural point to cut off a high school romance story.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

OremLK
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by OremLK » Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:55 pm

Just finished reading this at the recommendation of pretty much everybody who reads KS fanfic I've ever heard from. I agree with a lot of the criticisms which have been brought up here, especially about the way the story tends to meander and feels like it goes off the rails of the main plot (which I perceived to be Hanako's character arc) frequently.

With that said, despite being very imperfect, it was also wonderful in some of the ways which count the most, particularly characterization. Kinda like the original game, in that regard--the depth of the characters and the unexpected truths about them really carry the story, making it special and memorable. Some of the parts had riveting tension, while others had a great deal of emotion, and only very rarely did I feel like the characters were "off". That's an impressive feat in a work this long.

In fact, it's gonna be damn hard for a lot of this stuff to get out of my headcanon now.

I do think it could use another edition sometime though if you ever feel like working on it again, Guest Poster. (It'd be understandable if you didn't want to put anymore time into such a massive fan project, though.) There are a number of parts where the dialogue could use cleaning up and being made more natural, there are still some typos and grammatical errors scattered throughout, and there are entire scenes and chapters that would probably need to be cut if this were a published work.

If I had one big criticism that I know you probably can't and won't address, it's the choice to use First Person Present Tense on a novel-length work with multiple POV characters. I get that you were trying to stick close to the voice of the original game, but it just plain detracts from your work here. The first few paragraphs of every chapter are an exercise in frustration trying to figure out which character we're reading, and the characters don't have distinct enough voices to justify first person. In fact, the whole novel almost feels like it was written in third person then shoehorned into the wrong perspective. Third person past tense is by far the most popular perspective for writing fiction with multiple POV characters for a reason: It works incredibly well, and easily fades into the background of the reader's mind. Whereas in Sisterhood, at least for me, every chapter transition was jarring and disconcerting.

Of course, it would be a monumental undertaking to convert the whole work to third person, so I know you'll probably never do it. In the future, though, you should keep in mind the possibility of using that perspective instead.

In any case, thanks so much for writing this and allowing me to spend so much more time with these characters in a consistent, believable, and well-written follow-up work. It really hit the spot.

OremLK
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by OremLK » Mon Dec 15, 2014 7:59 pm

Also, regarding Hisao's relative unimportance to the storyline--I noticed that too. I feel like there was an opportunity to get him more involved by fleshing out the few months after Hanako's breakdown. I think he was just a little too understanding and calm about the whole thing compared to the Hisao we saw in all the different routes in the game. He's only human after all, even if he's improved a lot since Hanako's good ending. It hurts pretty damn bad to have the woman you love almost completely shut you out of her life. So it would have been pretty realistic to have Hanako's relapse put more strain on their relationship and have more moments where it's in real doubt that they're going to stay together at all. In fact, it might actually have been worth it to take it to the extreme of having them break up or officially put their relationship on hold at some point during that period.

Yet at the same time as I say all that--it doesn't seem like that was the story you wanted to tell, so I can understand glossing over it a bit and prioritizing Hanako's relationship with the Satous, which was the greatest strength of the story.

Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Guest Poster » Tue Dec 16, 2014 8:37 pm

Thanks for the kind words.
If I had one big criticism that I know you probably can't and won't address, it's the choice to use First Person Present Tense on a novel-length work with multiple POV characters. I get that you were trying to stick close to the voice of the original game, but it just plain detracts from your work here. The first few paragraphs of every chapter are an exercise in frustration trying to figure out which character we're reading, and the characters don't have distinct enough voices to justify first person. In fact, the whole novel almost feels like it was written in third person then shoehorned into the wrong perspective. Third person past tense is by far the most popular perspective for writing fiction with multiple POV characters for a reason: It works incredibly well, and easily fades into the background of the reader's mind. Whereas in Sisterhood, at least for me, every chapter transition was jarring and disconcerting.

Of course, it would be a monumental undertaking to convert the whole work to third person, so I know you'll probably never do it. In the future, though, you should keep in mind the possibility of using that perspective instead.

In any case, thanks so much for writing this and allowing me to spend so much more time with these characters in a consistent, believable, and well-written follow-up work. It really hit the spot.
Yeah, I have to admit that dropping the reader into the middle of a situation/conversation at the start of a chapter and let them figure out what's going on for a few sentences before clarifying the situation. I'm sorry to hear that it felt frustrating to you. At least I hope the color-coded chapter titles helped a little.
I feel like there was an opportunity to get him more involved by fleshing out the few months after Hanako's breakdown. I think he was just a little too understanding and calm about the whole thing compared to the Hisao we saw in all the different routes in the game. He's only human after all, even if he's improved a lot since Hanako's good ending. It hurts pretty damn bad to have the woman you love almost completely shut you out of her life. So it would have been pretty realistic to have Hanako's relapse put more strain on their relationship and have more moments where it's in real doubt that they're going to stay together at all. In fact, it might actually have been worth it to take it to the extreme of having them break up or officially put their relationship on hold at some point during that period.
"Put on hold" was pretty much the state Hisao's and Hanako's relationship was in between the National Center Test and the moment Hanako and Hisao started playing on-line chess together. Making it official would have felt redundant. Also, complicating the situation was the fact that Lilly was blaming herself for triggering Hanako's relapse and if I would have had Hisao officially break up with Hanako, I would have been forced to come up with a reason for Lilly not to show up on Hisao's doorstep a few hours later pleading him to please reconsider. Not an easy task. :)

Hisao did voice frustration with the state of his relationship in the chapter where he visits Lilly's apartment and even mulled that he and Hanako probably would have broken up if it hadn't been for the fact that there were five months worth of good memories he couldn't just let go of. I've always felt that deep down, Hisao is a rather passive person so it made sense that his preferred approach would be to weather the storm rather than trying to force things. By that time he already knew from experience that trying to force things with Hanako would just have backfired, so he did the next best thing: focus on the distractions he had in life.

It's not particularly exciting, I admit, but it was the most logical follow-up to the scene after Hisao's return from the hospital where Hisao and Hanako talked about not always being able to help the other out as much as they would like and the second best thing being the act of waiting for the other to regain his or her footing, so that person could focus on his/her recovery without having to worry about losing the other in the meantime.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

faikwansuen
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 5:06 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by faikwansuen » Tue Dec 16, 2014 10:23 pm

Darn man, I really enjoyed this fan fic, took just over a week to read it.
Shed a few tears and stuff.
Thanks for the ride!
Much respect for writing such a good story!

Guest Poster
Posts: 1266
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Guest Poster » Wed Dec 17, 2014 3:59 am

Thanks.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

User avatar
Blackmambauk
Posts: 93
Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2014 4:21 pm
Location: Think the clue is in the name ;)

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by Blackmambauk » Fri Dec 26, 2014 8:07 pm

Hi just thought i post my review of this fic, took me a while to finish it due to the length and the fact i don't have much time to read these days.

Overall this is a great piece of literature that is up there with the best of KS fanfic's i have seen on the net. It does a fine job of expanding on Hanako's route, even though i felt it ended at a spot that was fine in my book, and i will admit it was probabaly my least favourite route of the game. I thought it was good and done well, but Hanako's sort of character is one i find very hard to find interesting due to me finding shy characters to be boring really (Shizune was the most interesting character i felt, not the most likeable but i prefer interesting over likeable characters) since shy character's can really be passive and that can really make it boring to watch them at times since they can lack any interesting goal or view's on life.

Also the tenancy of many writers to focus too much on making characters like Hanako a woobie as TV trope's would call it and moe, which i think devalues them a bit and makes them less human and more to be there for the comfort of the audience to express pity and see them as a thing to protect.

Hanako's route was good in how it avoided that pitfall and called out how Hisao was treating her, along with the fact his issues were causing as much problem as her's were. Sorry just wanted to express my opnion on her route, as it relates to how i feel about your fic.

That continues at first with the fic with Hisao's heart problem and how hisao has to realise that Hanako's issues won't go away overnight, with Hanako's therpist being a well done verision i feel, not to smart to solve all issues, no ephany therpy moments that make a mockery of how long it can take for someone to get over their issues.

This helps to make Hisao and hanako's relationship feel more balanced and developing all the time, as well as how Lilly and Hanako's relationship develops since their issues in ti comes to the forefront and it allows Lilly to get character development i feel she only got a bit of in the game in her route. That along with focus on Akira which was very balanced, interesting and nicely shows her positive and negative traits.

Along with showing the most well done verison of Lilly's parents i have seen done in any KS fanfic, where they feel like actual people, with believeable traits and as well showing how Lilly and Akira can be their children, as loads of fics just make them out to be something i find not believeable at all, they have made mistakes and have their flaws, but i always felt if Lilly views them positively then hey weren't bad people, since Akira's bitterness while very understandable and something i sympathise with, is very biased and not objective to be fully trusted.

Your writing of Lilly and her family was the best parts of your fic i felt, that and the nice culture writings of the uk where i live and Japan, where i have travled to and will travel again next year had lots of fine details, fair protrayal and nicely show you have done your research into them. I commend you on for doing the research and i no doubt used some personal experience from that as well. no often i see someone who gets details about scotland and the uk down so well, it was like you were from the uk at times.

The most enjoyable bits of the story to me were Hanako's breakdown at uni, very well done i actually felt like i was there was quite distubing and real tension if elt reading that scene, the drunk Lilly cellio playing and Hanako distracting Hisao was very hilarious and finally Akria's making up with her boyfriend which i felt was very believeable and forecasted akira's postive and negative traits very well.

Liked how you used Namoi and the other girl, they felt developed and added to Hanako's time in the newspaper club, good job.

If there were any parts that i felt were on the less strong side it is, the H scenes some were done well enough and were readable to me (the drunk one which was pretty funny as well), some were way too long and could have been cut down (the hotel massage one that just seem to go on forever), and some i felt i just didn't need to read about (the blowjob one yeah just no). H scenes are very hard to do right and for them to add something, KS is probably the only VN i felt that had meaningful sex scenes, yours i would say were ok, least they weren't Fate/Stay Night stuff (that VN is a perfedt example of how not to write sex scenes).

Sometimes the focus went a bit too much on the Satou's that their stuff got a bit tedious and boring to read about in the later chapters, bit of a two edge swod for the satous's in this fic at times. as they were great to read about, just got a bit repetive towards the end.

Sometimes the fic i think could be shorter in places that would tighten up the pacing of it, but which parts could be cut or shorten (part from the h stuff) i couldn't say, but your happy with the current length i imagine and that is most important. Also some more clueing of who's talking could help, as while i could follow it most of the time, sometimes it was hard to tell who was talking.

One minor bit was as some have mentioned before, Hisao's less screentime in the second half, i can understand why as Hisao has less chracter to develop at that point, though it did seem you were setting up maybe a bit of focus on say his parents at somepoint, or at least more info on his past with the way they were talking about his past self. One bit i would have liked to have seen was Hisao running into Iwanko when Hanako had, it would have been interesting to see how Hisao would have talked to her and put that part of his life to rest, as i felt Hisao never really dealt with it in the game on any of the routes (Shizune's route is where i felt he developed most on that issue with him accepting he is to share the blame as well for his relationships falling apart).

Plus it would have been an interesting point to show his develpment. but it isn't important and i misread what you were writing about.

Also as i said before, Hisao's issues affecting the relationship in the game route was something i did like about that route when compared to Emi's route where his issues seem non existant there. But i can understand the focus on Hanako and Lilly since that is where the msot conflict and drama would be at.

These are minor issues and don't detract from your fic at all, i imagine your very proud of the work you have put into your fic and i have to say it is novel level writing in my book and has made me enjoy hanako a lot more as a character, built on what the game did and allowed many to enjoy a great read.

Thank you kind sir for putting so much into doing this fic.
"I think the greatest skill a writer can have is simply having confidence in themselves to tell the story they want to tell, and to have confidence that their audience will make up their own minds on their story and characters." Blackmambauk

Favourite Route= All the Routes were done well. Each had it's strengths and weak points. But none were bad, a brilliant achievement by the KS Team.

ArmedLiberal
Posts: 30
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 3:23 am

Re: Sisterhood: True Edition (Hanako Epilogue) (Completed)

Post by ArmedLiberal » Mon Dec 29, 2014 4:13 am

Good gods, this fic was EPIC. No, in the literal sense of the word--it's got to be the longest individual piece of fanfic I've ever read (though the individual "books" of the Nephalim's Gate trilogy come close). It's also one of the best written ones; my headcanon can no longer think of Hanako as anyone else but Satou Hanako. It has been an extraordinary pleasure to read this; I'd love to read a sequel, or perhaps a similar fic of one of the other endings.
Last edited by ArmedLiberal on Wed Mar 11, 2015 11:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Image
Image
Message truncated
So, apparently my sig was too long… so I cut it down, but I used the opportunity to expound upon—and add to—my original signature.

Post Reply