Which is 34 too many. It's extremely amateurish and quite jarring to read. I'm not going to harp on this any further because it's been said enough, but suffice to say it's not something that should ever be used.There are only about 34 instances left in the entire 450.000 word story.
As for the grammar, like I said I really don't have time to go through the whole text and highlight it all; I honestly would if I could. Just as a random sample I've picked a few excerpts from chapter 26.
That's a lot of unnecessary comma splicing. This should have been split into two sentences.As I notice my water bottle being nearly empty already, I mutter this to myself without intending anyone to hear it, but moments later I nevertheless feel something poke me in the back, and when I carefully look behind me I can see Hanako offering me hers.
More unnecessary commas. "I take a small sip from Hanako's half-full bottle, then hold it behind me until I feel her take it from my hand."I take a small sip from Hanako's bottle, which is still about half-full, and then hold it out behind me until I can feel it being taken from my hand.
Yet more comma splicing. This chapter seems to be full of that. I'm not going to keep picking them out but that's not the last unnecessary comma here by any stretch.Gently lowering her to the ground, I'm startled when I notice her complexion is paler than when we left, her forehead is covered by numerous tiny beads of sweat, and her breathing seems slightly shallower than it should be.
In this case you've used a semicolon where you should have used a comma. Semicolons link complete independent clauses. "If this is about those history lectures I've been throwing around" is not an independent clause.If this is about those history lectures I've been throwing around; I've had practice in the last few days.
comma, preposition, ellipsis, comma. With dialogue you can play with rules a bit since you're transcribing how people speak, but this is just awkward. It would have worked better as "... from the airport... but yes, ..."from the airport, but... Yes,
The word yes also shouldn't be capitalized here since an ellipsis doesn't actually end a sentence.
There's a typo in the word "lastest." I don't recall seeing many of those but since I've spotted it I might as well mention it....copy of the lastest school newspaper out of it.
Should be "more heavily" instead of "heavier." "Heavier" is an adjective, and needs a noun. In this case you're describing an action (leaning) and thus need the adverb form instead. You could argue that it gets a pass for being dialogue, but my counterargument would be that as a journalist and professional writer Karla would have impeccable grammar.Now, some news organisations are leaning heavier towards...
I'll leave it there as I think I've amply demonstrated my point. This is just what I've picked out from skimming a random sample; a comprehensive list would take me hours to compile, which sadly isn't time I have to devote to this. I know there was at least one place where you should have used perfect tense but used past tense instead. You also frequently use the word "quality" to describe something good about a person, but a "quality" is simply an attribute and therefore the word begs an adjective (eg "a positive quality.")
Some of these may seem nitpicky but it's the small details that can take a work from being merely "good" to being "great." This is a good story, but with a bit more polish it could be much better.
EDIT: I took a few minutes to find an example where the tense got confused. Here's one from chapter 18:
The story is entirely written in present tense and they're still in Lilly's room. The first clause should be present perfect instead of past tense (ie "We have spent the last two hours...").We spent the last two hours hanging out in Lilly's room, eating the cake and sweets we obtained from the store in town this afternoon. Despite it being a supposed farewell party, the mood is surprisingly relaxed.
I'm positive this isn't the only occurrence, but I thought since I picked on you for it I should find a supporting example.