A new Life (Follows Hanako's Good ending)

[AceLions]

English is my only Language I'm just not very good at spelling, grammar, & punctuation. I do use spell check when I write though. I have seen people complain about stories not being in Script some here & some on Fanfiction.net

[AntonSlavik020]

I have seen people complain about stories not being in Script some here & some on Fanfiction.net

That is very strange. If that's the case, they are an extreme minority. Most people prefer prose format.

[Guest Poster]

English is my only Language I'm just not very good at spelling, grammar, & punctuation. I do use spell check when I write though. I have seen people complain about stories not being in Script some here & some on Fanfiction.net

I've been on these forums for over two years and I've never seen anyone who prefers to READ in script format. (plenty of people who prefer to WRITE in it, because it's easier)

[AceLions]

Wasn't for me. People do say it is easyer but for me it was harder to judge how long the chapter was. but like I said I have seen people say that stories should be script format. I'm not calling anyone a liar just saying what I seen from replys.

[Mirage_GSM]

I might leave it in script format because I will just get the same complaints from people that think all Katawa Shoujo stories should be written in Script since the VN/game is.

I don't know about FF.net, but on these forums I don't think there have been more than one or two people who voiced a preference for script format over the last five years!

Script format is kind of unavoidable in a VN, but Fanfiction is not a VN - no, not even if t is a Fanfiction about a VN.
In a VN you can get away with using script format, because you have other - visual and audible - cues to tell your readers about what happens: gestures, movements, facial expressions, sound effects - you don't have that in a fanfiction!

Using script format is the equivalent of starting every single spoken sentence with "He/she says" without any descriptions whatsoever.
I'm sure you agree that would be horrible writing.

Oddball and Helbereth can show you how to do it better.

[AceLions]

I looked through the post about people starting out writeing fanfics. Its not going to help anything. & as I said I jsut saying what I saw people post on here. & not calling people liars you all dont have to be so dead set about how you didn't see them. Everyone hates everything to do with my story anyway so why do you care how I write it. Even if I did write it how i normaly do wouldn't matter.

[Silentcook]

Hello.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but let me put it very clearly: your way of writing anything is dead wrong. I can count at least eight spelling, grammar and style mistakes just in the couple of lines of your latest post. That's not an acceptable amount by any standard.

Before you can think of writing for the entertainment of others, you need to improve your English skills significantly.

[AceLions]

When it comes to learning anything to do with book smarts it has to do with memory I can read an english text book all day everyday doesn't mean I'll be able to remember anymore than I do now.

[LilyKitsune]

This is starting to feel like a bad american idol audition.

We told you things you should improve, but from our perspective, you came in, disregarded the script formatting thing, and gave a piece riddled with english errors. Of course we're a little bothered before really getting to any of the writing. Even the title could stand to... not be a time setting.

[AceLions]

No I took into account what people said but after the first few post it turned into nothing but. "This sucks it really sucks there is not one good thing about it" I even said if I can find a friend who is a KS fan to beta read it i would have them do it & edit it the fixed way. but since there is nothing about what I did right I feel there is no reason to write it for anything but myself. It didn't hurt my feelings I jsut continue posting chaptures souly on what people think. & I did post before hand how bad my writeing is.

Edit 01: I'm thinking about changing the story format (At lease for posting on the forum but keep it Script everywhere else) as for Beta readers from here. I'm not sure since I don't know any of them personally (meaning I only trust friends not to rewrite my whole story or anything. I have problems trusting people I don't know not really sure why). But lets see where it goes from there. Nothing you guys said hurt my feeling cause I'm way more harder on my Abilities on things I enjoy doing.

Edit02: Ok edited it. It is no longer in script form. Now that, that is out of the way I should do something my announce at the bashers had me forget. Thank you to everyone who commented that my story at lease showed some promise. To the people that just came on here to rip it apart with no helpful advice at all no one cares.

[AceLions]

Ok I hope the edits I was able to do made some kind of impact. I even changed the title to one I thought better. Please let me know what you like it makes doing the things that need changeing worth doing.

[Mirage_GSM]

Okay... A bit better.
It is still very hard to read due to lack of punctuation and the capitalization being all over the place.
An example from the beginning of the story:
"...assembly when Lilly, Hanako, & I sit down together Hanako Notices Akira sitting..."
Somewhere in there one sentence ends and another begins. There is no full stop anywhere, and the capitalized verb does not help the reader in figuring out where that is. Also, in an enumeration there is no comma in front of "and" - not even in front of "&".
Speaking of... "&" is still not a valid replacement for a proper word outside of SMS. I'd argue it isn't valid even there, but in an SMS you want to get some bit of information across to a friend - here you are supposedly trying to create a work of art, and you are hoping hat some strangers you've never met are going to enjoy it - maybe you even want to improve your English skills. Cutting corners like that just isn't how you achieve any of that.
Finally, spell-checkers are fine to find the odd typo or two, but if you really have difficulties with the language, they cannot replace a proofreader. A spellchecker will generally not notice if you are using the wrong homophone somewhere, since both are valid English words, but one won't make any sense in the context whatsoever:

"A-are you going to g-go back to the city with your parents while looking at collages?"

A collage is a work of art consiting of smaal bits and pieces.

I think for a minuet before answering her.

A minuet is a french social dance.

Nothing peaks my internist at lease nothing I could finish in time so I decide to leave.

To "peak" means to reach a maximum, and while that still make a bit of sense here, you were going for "pique"
An Internist is a doctor for interior medicine.
A lease is a rental agreement.
So this sentence reads something like: "Nothing maximizes my doctor at (the?) rental agreement..." and you're forcing your reader to make sense of that...

I spent the rest of the day wondering around...

To wonder means to be amazed.

"At lease he said tea is fine along with a cup or two of coffee."
"Yes. Look we aren't trying to make this harder on you but we think we should at lease tell you how we feel about it
Just if at lease Lunch would hurry...

The rental agreement again.

I thought she was going to snatch the cup away from me for a minuet.
After a minuet or so we let go

And more French social dances.

"I always think of you two as family too. My Little Misshapen Family" Lilly commints as she gives off a little smile.

Hmm. No idea about that. It's not anactual word, so a spellchecker should catch it...

I brake the moment of silence.
I-if you're not happy there it could make things worse. M-maybe if y-you... um t-talk more on the phone & visit each other on brakes..
I don't know how long we stand that way before we brake off

To brake means to reduce velocity. A brake is a device to help you do so.

I just want to lay in my room be by my self

To lay means to place an object somewhere. Here you need the intransitive version of the verb: "lie".

"H-hello Lilly", Hanako greets our freind.

Another word no spellchecker worth the name should accept.

That's only wrong words. Spellcheckers are notoriously bad at pointing out when you jump between tenses as you do frequently. They DO usually catch punctuation mistakes or wrong application of thirs person "S" which makes me wonder what kind of spellchecker you used... ^^°

About the story itself - the dialogue is indeed a quite wooden, but I've read worse.
The plan to "stay in the Yamaku apartment" after graduation would stand and fall with their ability to find a university that is close to that apartment and get accepted there. I doubt Lilly would be able to find a university in the outback of Hokkaido...

[AceLions]

Yeah I'm looking for a Beta reader right now. Someone who will only fix the stuff spell check didn't catch without trying to change my story.