A new Life (Follows Hanako's Good ending)

[AceLions]

Ok a few things before I start the story. This is my first Katawa Shoujo story. I have Beta readers but they have been busy for a long while so My story more than likely will have punctuation Errors just bear with me. I'm my own worse critic it might be better than I think I hope you enjoy it. One other note. For the time frame between the end of Hanako's route & the start of my story rely's heavily on the Fan story Hanako, Uninterrupted by MusedMoose as reference here is the link to the story you should really go read it if you haven't already. http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=6703
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Act 1-Broken Little Family

The day after exams the school calls an assembly when Lilly, Hanako, & I sit down together Hanako Notices Akira sitting up on stage with the head of Yamaku.

"Lilly.. w-why is Akira here?", Hanako asks.
I'm left to wonder myself & the look on Lilly's face tells she wonders as well.
"I don't know she never said anything to me about being here", Lilly answers.

We sit & listen to the Yamaku head talk we learn that Yamaku bought an old Apartment building & renovated it for former students to live in with a huge backing by Lilly's Family every now & again Hanako look over to Lilly but she seems as surprised as everyone else. After the assembly Lilly tells us to go ahead that she wants to talk to her sister.

"Wow Apartments for former Yamaku students that will make finding housing for some of us easier", I say to Hanako

Hanako nods as we walk together. She seems to be in deep thought. I'm not sure if it is because Akira had some deal working with the school without telling any of us or at lease Lilly or she is worrying about this being our last week here at school.

"What's on your mind?"

She stops & looks at me then looks down to the ground.

"A-are you going to g-go back to the city with your parents while looking at collages?"

I think for a minuet before answering her.

"I was actually hoping to stay somewhere in town. It's more relaxing than my home town. Maybe we should think about moving into the Yamaku Apartments they were talking about", comes my answer

Hanako's eye widen a bit as she blushes.

"We?"

I let a smile play across my lips. "Well I was thinking since we are a couple & we already stayed the night with each other a couple of times. Maybe we could move in together."

"R-really? I would l-like that", was her answer

A smile goes across her face & she seems more relaxed. I take her hand in mine. We make our way to the Library to read together for a while then make our way back to the girl's Dorms. From behind Lilly's door we hear her & Akira talking.

"You didn't even tell them about what mom & dad asked us during our visit", Akira saids

"I haven't thought of how to tell them or if I'm even going to take our parents offer then to find out they worked with the school to building an Apartment for former students" was Lilly's answer

We don't know what they are talking about then we hear Akira let out a sigh. "I don't know sis maybe they thought if they help out the school & the students it would make you want to move in with them & pretend to be a big happy family", she replys. Hanako & I look at one another & before I can stop her she opens Lilly's door & quickly walks into her room.

"Y-you are m-moving?" Tears start to well up in Hanako's eyes when she asked as surprise & regret show clear on Lilly & Akira's face. Lilly faces in our direction even though she can't see us anyway her eyes face the floor.

"I don't know, I haven't decided yet. I wanted to wait till I was able to so that it wouldn't mess up everything", Lilly told her

"You... c-can't go... p-please", Hanako Pleading

Before anyone can say anything else Hanako runs from Lilly's room to her own slamming the door. All I can do is sigh while Lilly's head drops

"Look I'll talk to her. You need to decide what you want. We don't want you to go but you need to decide what would make you the happiest", I tell them. I turn & leave the room closing the door behind me before going next door & knocking on Hanako's "Hanako it's me Hisao, can I come in?" There is no word from inside so I try the door handle & it's unlocked. I open it slowly peaking in at my sobbing girlfriend laying on her bed.

I quietly come in closing the door behind me before making my way to her sitting on the edge.

"I-is... she r-really leaving us?" She looks up to me her eyes red & still full of tears. I shake my head

"I don't know. To tell the truth I don't even think she knows", I tell her

I stroke her hair slowly running my fingers through it as I continue

"You know Lilly she hates to disappoint anyone but right now she is back into a corner no matter what she is going to disappoint someone she cares about."

Hanako wipes her eyes with her sleeve then looks back to me. "You don't think we should fight for her?"

"That's not what I'm saying. Of course we should but the only thing we can do is tell her how we feel & support her in what ever she chooses."
She only nods but doesn't say another word. I move laying behind her & put an arm around her. She snuggles in close & sighs. As we relax we end up falling asleep. I guess we were more tired than we thought. The next morning I wake up rubbing my eyes than look around the room. Like my first morning waking up here it takes me a while to figure out where I am. Then I notice Hanako still snuggled up to me like she was when I held her.

"Crap I fell asleep", I say only to myself

I lay there so not to wake the sweet girl laying on my left arm & shoulder at lease she seems to feel more peaceful than she did last night. Her eyes slowly open as she gives a yawn then notices I'm there

"Hisao... I'm s-sorry I fell asleep on you", She saids blushing some.

I shake my head some & smile.

"It's ok your bed if comfortable plus you look cute when you sleep."

She blushes a bit more & smiles then leans up placing a sweet kiss on my lips before climbing off the bed.

"When should we talk to Lilly?"

I sit up looking at her. Her face still shows she is upset & worried about the fact our best friend might be leaving us.

"I think that since you known her longest It will be better for you to talk to her first. Then the three of us can talk more later."

Hanako nods a bit as I talk.

"Let her know what her leaving or staying means to us but mostly you but don't get upset or become forceful."

She nods again.

"I'll try", she saids

I hug her & kiss the top of her head.

"I have some errands in town. I will see you tonight give me a call when you two are ready to meet up ok?", I tell her

She nods as she holds me close to her then slowly lets go.

"Ok Hisao... G-good bye."

"Goodbye Hanako"

I leave her room. Luckily we have a free day today so I head back to my room, change, & head into town. I really need to head to the store. Nurse wasn't that happy about me taking my medicine with soda saying too much Caffeine was bad for my heart & defeating the purpose. So now I should mostly be drinking Juices & water. Luckily Tea is fine & a cup or two of Coffee is ok. It doesn't take me long after leaving the school before I see the sign reading "Aura Mart". I make it there & make my way around the aisles. I only seem to be able to focus on shopping just enough to grab what I need without making a mistake but most of my thoughts are on what Hanako & I learned from Lilly & Akira yesterday. I really hope Hanako is able to get Lilly to stay. I walk over to the aisle with the fruit juices & scan them over. Apple, Orange, Kiwi-Strawberry, Fruit Punch, Lemonaid. Then I see a flavor I never seen before.

"Banana-Watermelon? Well that sounds good", I say to myself

I end up getting a case of each flavor & a case of water & before checking out & making my way back to the School to drop this stuff off.

"That should get Emi & Nurse off my back."

With shopping out of the way I head to the Library to drop off the books I finished. I drop the books off into the drop off box then scan the shelves for anything I might be able to read before the end of the school year. Nothing peaks my internist at lease nothing I could finish in time so I decide to leave. I spent the rest of the day wondering around without much to do before my phone goes off. I fish it out of my pocket & look at the screen. It's Hanako so I quickly answer it.

"Hello Hisao Nakai speaking."

"Hello I been talking to Lilly... Um we think it will be good to have a tea party in her room to talk more with you there."

"That sounds fine I'll be there shortly. Were you able to stay calm?"

There is a bit of a pause before she answers

"T-the best I could... I-I didn't yell or cry.. B-but it was harder to control my stammer."

"Ok that is good enough I think I'm almost there so I'll see you soon."

"Ok b-bye H-Hisao."

We hang-up & I finish making my way to the girls dorm & up to Lilly's room. I knock on the door & announce my presence.

"Hisao please come in", comes Lilly's voice

She sounds calm so I hope that is a good sign & she isn't just pushing everything down. I enter the room closing the door behind me. The view in front of me is the same as always when we have our tea parties in Lilly's room. My Girlfriend & our best friend sitting at a small table in their pajamas. I make my way over to the table & take my spot between them before Hanako begins to pour us some tea.

I ask them, "I trust your time together today went well?"

Lilly nods a bit. "As well as could be expected I think & your day?"

"I went the store The nurse thought I was drinking to much soda & said the Caffeine wasn't very good for my heart so I picked up some fruit juices & water."
Out of the corner of my eye I see Hanako look at the cup of tea in front of me. So I continue.
"At lease he said tea is fine along with a cup or two of coffee."

Lilly nods & Hanako looks less worried. I thought she was going to snatch the cup away from me for a minuet. I take a sip of my tea then put it down before I talk again.

"I guess we should get back on the topic of why us hanging out tonight is more important."

Lilly's eyes move to face her teacup like she is staring into it.

"My parents wanting me to move to Scotland", she softly saids

"Yes. Look we aren't trying to make this harder on you but we think we should at lease tell you how we feel about it" I say.

"I know I do understand really", she tries to assure us

"You're our family too." The look on Lilly's face is like she will cry at Hanako's comment but doesn't allow herself.

"I always think of you two as family too. My Little Misshapen Family" Lilly commints as she gives off a little smile.

I brake the moment of silence. "We love you very much & even though we have each other there will be apart of us missing if you left. But I think something we should be asking is will you be happier in Scotland than you would here?"

Lilly thinks for a minuet then shakes her head. "No I don't think so. My family is there & I love them very much but it didn't feel like home. I enjoyed spending time with them & catching up but I was more than ready to come back here", She lets out a sigh. "My Parents think if Akira & I move there it will fix everything between us all".

"I-if you're not happy there it could make things worse. M-maybe if y-you... um t-talk more on the phone & visit each other on brakes... It would be easier", Hanako tells Lilly

Lilly nods like she is taking in everything we said but the conversation dies after that & we spend the rest of the drinking our tea in quiet enjoying each others company. After we are finished it is time for Hanako & me to head back to our rooms.

Lilly take this moment to say something. "I will think long & hard about everything you two said today & will give my parents & you both an answer tomorrow about what I decide. Thank you both for being understanding & telling me how you feel", She gives one of her sweet smiles. "Good night Hanako, Hisao.

We both say our goodbyes & head out closing the door behind us. As soon as the door clicks shut Hanako hugs me tight laying her head on my chest letting out a soft sigh. I wrap my arms around her & lay my chin on top of her head. I don't know how long we stand that way before we brake off & Hanako opens her room door & slips inside. I make my way to the boys Dorms & go to my room. Thankfully Kenji didn't come out to annoy me with his conspiracy theories or to ask me for money. I just want to lay in my room be by my self, think & try to prepare myself for what ever Lilly's answer might be. When I get inside I undress & fall into bed I don't even bother to put on my pajamas. Who's going to see me in my boxers & socks anyway. As soon as my face slams into my pillow I'm out. Boy that didn't take long.

The next morning my alarm goes off. I run through my whole morning thing. Running with Emi, shower, pills, dress, eat, class. I didn't really want to run today but I promised Hanako, Emi, & Nurse I would exercise again. They teamed up on me I didn't see it coming. Mornings Run with Emi, Afternoons Brisk walks, Evenings Swimming & I would catch a little slack about what I ate but Hanako started making my lunches so I guess that was covered too. Class crept by slowly by Hanako & I looked at each other & the clock several times during Mutou's Lecture. Just if at lease Lunch would hurry we could get Lilly's answer & this hell could end. Finally the bell rings. Hanako & I Gather our things & leave making our way to the Tearoom. We hold each others hand as we walk at a hurried pace. Once we get to the room I stop closing my eyes breathing slow & checking my heart beat making sure my nervousness isn't causing me any trouble then open my eyes & nod to Hanako. She opens the door & we walk in. Lilly is waiting quietly for us.

"H-hello Lilly", Hanako greets our freind.

"Hi Lilly", giving my own greeting.

Lilly smiles & turns in our direction & gives her usual greeting smile. "My my you two are here faster that normal did you run the whole way".

"Almost more like a quick walk class took for ever", I tell her

Lilly giggled a bit then put on a more serious face. "I guess that means you are anxious to know my answer".

Hanako nods quickly while she is setting out our lunches. "Please".

Lilly takes a deep breath then lets it out. Crap this doesn't look good at lease not for me & Hanako.

"I called my Parents right after I woke. I told them I would like to stay here in Japan. They were upset but not mad I don't think. I told them we could talk on the phone now & then & visit one another on brakes", she explains to us then lets out a bit of a sigh. "My mother said they were disappointed I didn't want to come live with them but were proud I stood up for what would make me happy instead of doing what was wanted of me".

Hanako smiles wide at the new of Lilly staying & nearly tackles her in a big hug. Lilly manages to stand with Hanako holding onto her & hugs her back the sadness she seems to have felt at disappointing her parents melting away. I stand & watch them.

"You can hug me too Hisao", Lilly saids in my direction

They both put an arm out to invite me in. With an Invite like that how can a man say no. I make my way over & wrap my arms around the both of them. After a minuet or so we let go & take our seats to eat our lunch. The air of the day was lifted. We begin to talk about after we graduate. Hanako & I tell her about our plans to move in together at the Yamaku Apartments. Lilly seems happy about our plans.

"That is great. I was going to stay at my family's summer home in Hokkaido but I think living at the Apartments sounds all the better", she saids

The bell rings letting us know lunch is over. Clean up our stuff & head back to class.
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I hope you like I wanted to really get Lilly almost moving away out of the way early since the rest of the story wouldn't have worked if it was still hanging out there. Plus I have no idea if there will be sex I make up the story as I go along. I hope you enjoyed.

[Guest Poster]

I-if you're not happy there it could make things worse. M-maybe if y-you... um t-talk more on the phone & visit each other on brakes... It would be easier.

I've read that argument somewhere before and it was even the same person who was making it.

[brythain]

I-if you're not happy there it could make things worse. M-maybe if y-you... um t-talk more on the phone & visit each other on brakes... It would be easier.

I've read that argument somewhere before and it was even the same person who was making it.

I think the whole piece is a translation from Scots into English. A brake is a thicket or other area of dense vegetation. Probably somewhere in the Highlands. Sadly, not a wheat field.

[Mirage_GSM]

A few pointers:

- Don't use script format when writing a prose story.
- Don't use special characters (& for and) in a prose story.

I'll read your story once you've fixed those.

[AntonSlavik020]

It wasn't terrible, but like Mirage said, lose the script format. That reason alone made this hard to enjoy.

[Zarys]

Really not bad but lose this format, please.

[AceLions]

I-if you're not happy there it could make things worse. M-maybe if y-you... um t-talk more on the phone & visit each other on brakes... It would be easier.

I've read that argument somewhere before and it was even the same person who was making it.

That is quiet possable I've read through lots of fan fics & might picked up on a few things from other stories.

[forgetmenot]

This might come off as overly acerbic, but I think everyone above me has been a little too gracious.

It's not "HighSchool". High and School are two separate words. If the title alone has errors, you can understand when I, as a reader, get an uneasy feeling from the start.

I muscled through some of it, and it's pretty bad. Besides the script format (which I'll forgive for the moment), there's little to no punctuation. You also seem to confuse words with their homophones more often than not, which is a feat impressive on its own. As for the dialogue, it's stinted and wooden. It doesn't feel like it's being spoken by real people. If you read your dialogue out loud and it doesn't sound like a normal conversation, work at it until it does. Figure out what sounds awkward, and fix it. Hisao's internal monologue/narration also suffers from the same problem.

In short, I can't really find anything redeeming about this piece, other than the fact that you had the apparent motivation to finish a chapter of it. Use that motivation and keep at it. Practice will only make you better. But, as it stands right now, this is somewhere between "bad" and "terrible".

[AceLions]

This is my first time ever writeing in Script form I for the most part of my writeing don't. I know my writeing sucks but my Beta readers have been busy with their own lives & I got tired of writeing & never posting. Plus I always use & over and even when writeing by hand It's jsut how I am really.

[CoffeeDrive]

This is my first time ever writeing in Script form I for the most part of my writeing don't. I know my writeing sucks but my Beta readers have been busy with their own lives & I got tired of writeing & never posting. Plus I always use & over and even when writeing by hand It's jsut how I am really.

"Writing"
Good, if youve never wrote in it until now, drop it. Script is not good for Fanfiction.
Get more beta readers then, a few on the forum here would happily do it.
Well when writing, use Ctrl-F replace to replace all & with and, Problem solved.

Your story has potential, if you do the above,and be more descriptive.

[Zykes]

I usually don't read other people's works while I'm still working on mine (for varies reasons)

I won't point out what has clearly been pointed out by several people, though I thought it was "interesting.." to see one fan fiction writer use another writer's piece as a reference. (However, due to the fact I don't normally read other fan fictions, it might be more common than I am aware of. )

Potential exists here, that is where I will end my thoughts.

[LilyKitsune]

I'm with everyone else here. There were a lot of issues with sentence structure. Spelling errors(not typos), wrong words used, and rampant punctuation problems. The script format makes it difficult to read. It's often unclear whether a sentence was being said or whether it was a description or a thought. Some serious context clues were needed. This kills the flow.

You were also very inconsistent with including Hanako's cautious speech thing. Sometimes it was there, sometimes it wasn't, and sometimes it was overdone. It just felt there wasn't any understanding of it.

I think it's a good idea if you get those beta readers to help get your english down. I can be forgiving, but if it makes the writing difficult to read, you're going to have problems building atmosphere.

[AceLions]

Did anyone like anything about it? From what I seen in the VN/Game Hanako's Style of talking changes from time to time. Sometimes she stammers a lot sometimes a few words sometimes not at all. I might leave it in script format because I will just get the same complaints from people that think all Katawa Shoujo stories should be written in Script since the VN/game is. If one of my friends who is a better writer than I am likes Katawa Shoujo I'll have them beta read it. I'll more than likely keep writing the story for my own enjoyment but not really sure if I will post more unless someone wants to hear/read more of it.

[LilyKitsune]

Did anyone like anything about it? From what I seen in the VN/Game Hanako's Style of talking changes from time to time. Sometimes she stammers a lot sometimes a few words sometimes not at all. I might leave it in script format because I will just get the same complaints from people that think all Katawa Shoujo stories should be written in Script since the VN/game is. If one of my friends who is a better writer than I am likes Katawa Shoujo I'll have them beta read it. I'll more than likely keep writing the story for my own enjoyment but not really sure if I will post more unless someone wants to hear/read more of it.

As someone who has read a looooot of stories around here, I've never seen a complaint about not putting it in script format.

[Guest Poster]

I might leave it in script format because I will just get the same complaints from people that think all Katawa Shoujo stories should be written in Script since the VN/game is.

I don't think there are any such people on the forums.

Personally, the script bugged me less than the large amount of spelling and grammar errors. I suppose English isn't your first language, but each misspelled word drags you out of the story, so you should get someone else to proofread it for you if possible.