Summer Break | Hanako and Naomi

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turbulentDuvet
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Summer Break | Hanako and Naomi

Post by turbulentDuvet » Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:21 am

Hey there guys.

I'm back... Not that anyone probably noticed my absence ;~; but the good news is that I am reviving my love for KS and writing by rekindling the spark that was my longest piece of fan fiction, Summer Break.

This is a look at What Hanako gets up to with her summer off with Naomi, woth a little artistic liberty for flavour.

Just putting up the first part for now as I am re-writing what i have, as well as finalising plot details for the rest. I would be incredibly grateful if anyone would offer their services as proofreaders :)

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Summer Break:
Part 1 - CH-0 Every Journey Starts/Belief - this post

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"Izekawa?"

Nothing. . .

"HANAKO!"

Still nothing. . .

"Hanako?... It's Naomi~. The taxi is waiting for us and we're about three minutes of indecision from missing the train. . . Please open up Hanako.”

Naomi gives the implacable door her most stern and authorative glare, silently praying that Hanako is listening. . . Or even in her room.

"I-Idontwanttogo." Hanako stammers, raising her voice to be heard through the door.

“Hanako, the tickets are in your bag, everything is paid for, and~ you have our itinerary~. . . You can’t abandon me!” Naomi implores, turning her fierce glare into a doe-eyed and hopeful look which still bores into the door.

She sinks down to her knees and knocks her head against the door.

The thud of her knees on the floor and her head on the door obviously got Hanako's attention, as Naomi hears the deadbolt slide back, the door opening a crack. Almost falling forward as the door gives way Naomi looks up at the half of Hanako's face not obscured by her hair and the door.

"N-Naomi? Are you a-alright?"

Springing swiftly up onto her feet Naomi spreads out her arms and grins.

"Tahdaah~! Super as always! But we’re going to be super late. The taxi driver is going to have to drive like a maniac to get us there in time as things stand anyway. Please tell me that you're packed?" She replies, taking a tentative step towards Hanako’s door.

Hanako's eye opens wide at them word maniac, then she takes a cursory look around the corridor before looking back to Naomi and pulling her door open.

Hanako stands there with her trademark cap in her other hand, standing aside holding the door open, allowing Naomi in. Covered from the neck down as usual, sporting a long sleeved t-shirt under a light-denim, short-sleeved shirt and matching jeans with a pair of suede ballet plimsolls.

Naomi smiles and walks in, taking a moment to think that despite her private nature, Hanako had excellent taste and fashion sense.

Naomi had been into Hanako’s room a couple of times before since she came to the Newspaper Club, working on articles and layout ideas in pleasant silence, briefly chatting about ideas and occasionally having full blown conversations about an RPG Hanako had recently started playing.
Naomi was amazed at how quickly Hanako had taken to writing and editing though, she had a real flair for it, creating beautiful articles and layouts for the school paper.

Natsume had given Hanako a couple of her old design textbooks, which she had dived into, her already wonderful designs becoming that much better for her effort. Naomi noticed she could not see the books on the set of shelves on Hanako’s desk, wondering if she has packed those too.

Naomi wonders if it is sweet that Hanako has possibly packed them, or that it was sad she had so little of her own to put in her bag. Naomi gives the sparse room another cursory glance and spots the telltale blue glow of a laptop charger still plugged into the wall.

"Ahaa, forgetting something?" she exclaims, pointing at the tell-tale blue light of the little transformer.

"Oh n-no, thank you Naomi!"

Hanako pulls on the power cord, the plug snapping from the wall. She jams the charger into her suitcase and clips it shut, hefting the bag onto the floor and puts her hat on, adjusting her fringe. She grips her bag’s handle, the plastic creaking slightly as she takes a couple of deep breaths.

"Shall w-we go then?" Hanako asks, mustering a smile, fidgeting with the hem of her top.

"Why I thought you’d never ask," Naomi replies in a singsong voice, taking Hanako's hand and leading her from her room, resisting the urge to skip as she walks along with her lopsided gait, her morning regime of anti-convulsants starting to take their toll. Instead she just grins as they walk down the corridor, happy with her little victory.

Her good mood was apparently affecting Hanako, an almost imperceptible spring in her step and a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, growing as they step out of the dorm building into the early morning sunshine together.

Naomi helps Hanako heave her bag into the Taxi's boot on top of hers, the driver far too busy singing out-of-tune along with some pop-music on the radio to help.

They settle into the back seat and Naomi gives the driver a tap on the shoulder

."The kainsan stations please, and a little haste would be apprecated, we're a little behind schedule," Naomi asks the driver, a grunt and wave of his hand the only response she gets. He has stopped singing thank heavens.

Hanako wrings her hands as the radio is drowned out by the revving of the ageing taxi’s engine.

“Don't worry Hanako, we'll have plenty of time,” Naomi assures her friend, not quite managing to hide her double take as she looks at her watch.

“And you're here, so everything is fine," Naomi says to her, offering another 100 watt smile, getting a cute little grin back from her friend as she peeked out from under her hat.

The taxi's wheels screeched a little making both girls jump, the driver humming to himself as he picks up speed down the hill from Yamaku towards town. Both girls look at each other apprehensively as the side of the road blurs, quickly buckling in their belts.
People are like chemicals, they only need to come together once and they can change eachother forever.

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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Summer Break | Hanako and Naomi

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Aug 13, 2014 3:04 pm

So they're leaving Natsume behind? How mean ;-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Craftyatom
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Re: Summer Break | Hanako and Naomi

Post by Craftyatom » Wed Aug 13, 2014 3:55 pm

I enjoy the writing style you've got going, but promote caution in terms of your tenses - you mixed past and present a bit there. Nothing major, and certainly nothing I haven't been guilty of myself, but certainly something to consider. Besides that, not many obvious mechanical errors, especially if you're still in the market for a proofreader. I'd like to see where this goes, though!

Also, if nobody else wants to proofread for ya, I'm more than up to the job.
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turbulentDuvet
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Re: Summer Break | Hanako and Naomi

Post by turbulentDuvet » Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:02 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:So they're leaving Natsume behind? How mean ;-)
In Lilly's arc, Hanako says that she is going to Kyoto with Natsume and Naomi. I'm just taking the girls for a scenic route before they get to Kyoto :) Natsume isn't forgotten, just relegated to a cameo :P
Craftyatom wrote:I enjoy the writing style you've got going, but promote caution in terms of your tenses - you mixed past and present a bit there. Nothing major, and certainly nothing I haven't been guilty of myself, but certainly something to consider. Besides that, not many obvious mechanical errors, especially if you're still in the market for a proofreader. I'd like to see where this goes, though
Thank you! See this is why I need proof readers :/ I originally wrote the piece in past tense, but have started re-writing what I have in the present... Obviously need to re-read it again ^^;

I shall PM you with more once I'm happy with it though, thank you for your offer <3
People are like chemicals, they only need to come together once and they can change eachother forever.

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AntonSlavik020
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Re: Summer Break | Hanako and Naomi

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Tue Aug 19, 2014 8:34 pm

You have my interest. Any story not from Hisao's or an OC's perspective gains some bonus points. Plus, I like both Naomi and Hanako, so I'm looking forward to where this is going.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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