My first attempt at a pseudo route (criticism welcomed)

[theblaze4]

I think it is obvious from the fact I am here in general I am a fan of katawa shoujo. Now normally writing isn't a high priority of mine (more into reading personally but I digress). However upon reading a fair bit of the fan-fiction at my leisure I became more and more interested in the writing style/styles used. Eventually leading me here writing this. When talking about my writing yes I know my grammar is ridiculously bad and yes it does constrict me as a writer. Also if sentence structure is a bit off you have my sincere condolences. I may be interested in writing but that does not make me a good writer by any stretch of the imagination this means I am very open to criticisms. This will possibly be the first in a few stories about an oc character called Akemi Kaneko, who has (among other things) a form of epilepsy (for those who don't know there are multiple). Anyway the first chapter takes place following an alternate version of the scene "it builds character" in which Hisao fails to ask for directions to the art room and so ends up wandering Yamaku:

Lost then found then lost again
Wow I really should have asked for directions from Misha or Mutou. Well I suppose it does give me a chance to get acquainted with the school a bit...
Yeah the attempt to put a positive spin ain't really going to well, shame there isn't really anyone around I can ask for directions.
"Hello" I hear a cheery tone which I turn around for, assuming the owner is talking to me (otherwise this could be embarrassing) but maybe I could get some directions right, positive spin, positive spin
"So whatcha walking around here for?, are you new here?, didn't I see you talking to the council". The girl says as if she really wants to rush into a conversation. Now I get to have a look at her I notice a few things : she is about a head shorter than me, She has brown hair and She appears to have lime green eyes.
"Erm" really that's the best you could come up with well done Hisao?
"really that's the best you could come up" wait what! How did she know what I was thinking
"I didn't but I guess I do now". She is clearly messing with me.
This girl is perplexing to say the least. I want to ask her how she is doing that but I'm interrupted by her speaking again
"Now you want me to stop creeping you out by doing this right?" I guess she does this a lot?
"Erm yes if you don't mind" is my only and fairly weak response.
"Okay okay~" she says with an almost musical lilt to it.
"But are you gonna answer my questions?~" she says again musically.
"Erm sorry what were they again?" Is the only response I have, I feel like not remembering something said so recently is a pretty rude thing to do
She faux pouts, or did I really upset her its kind of hard to tell, now I feel bad for someone I've known for only a few minutes "whatcha walking around here for?, are you new here?and didn't I see you talking to the council?" Erm okay I think I can answer them then.
"Is it any business of yours, yes and probably I've stuck with them for a bit" maybe the time spent in the hospital has given me less than extraordinary social skills but...
"Maybe it is some of my business and you just don't know it". She says, but I can already see how this is going to end: her and me will get into an argument and then I'll mope around a bit after she storms off.
"Fine I was sent to go get some supplies from the art room if you must know".
"Oh come on don't be like that!"
"Be like what?"
"Be all like I'm mister new kid and I'm gonna brood all day and try not to make friends with anyone who talks to me" it's funny her impression of me actually makes me laugh. I do have to admit she actually looks legitimately cute when pretending to be me standing on her tip toes to look taller and walking around trying not to fall... Which she does not do successfully and subsequently falls forward onto the floor.... Or more appropriately said straight towards me and then we go crashing towards the floor and suddenly I feel a pain coming to my chest probably not helped by the girl lying on top of it. Wait acknowledging that fact in particular REALLY isn't helping matters and thinking about it makes it worse argh-
"Erm are you alright" the clearly not very gracious girl asks with legitimate concern getting off me now I just need to try and calm down my heart.
"Yeah I'm just ... I'm just not in very good shape right now".
"You know.." She says "I can put two and two together but if you aren't cool with talking about it that's fine I'll just pretend it didn't happen" she says you know that's actually kind of nic-
"-So should I get a nurse and tell him what didn't just happen or what" she gives a coy smile, you know , she really is something else isn't she?
"How nice of you to think that about me you are something else too~"
I sigh not this again.
"Okay I'll stop but you really are no fun."
"I'll accept that."
"See" now she sighs or mock sighs I don't even know anymore but again it's cute.
"Thanks" I say even though I really don't know why I can thank her besides just stopping creeping me out but for some reason I feel I should.
"So seeing as We've been on the floor for a few minutes how about we stand up and get acquainted" she smiles and I sigh I cautiously get up following that she does slightly less cautiously mind you kind of ironic seeing as her clumsiness caused her to collapse in the first place"
"Soooo~ I'm Akemi Kaneko and you are?"
"Erm Hisao Nakai."
"Huh." She lets out as an immediate response but why is she saying huh about my name is there something she thinks is wrong about it or is she messing with me again it's hard to tell, she turns to me.
"I've always wanted to meet someone called Erm~" yep she is messing with me
"Oh haha" I reply sarcastically you know trying to question this whatever she is, with sarcasm may not be the best move maybe I should try a different approach.
"Is it foreign?" well two can play at that game.
"Yeah it's Swedish" really? Swedish, perhaps it wasn't the best choice but...
"Oh really well that I never knew" She says with a smile.
She offers to give me directions to the art room which I accept graciously and she then departs letting me question what exactly just happened besides us having a conversation of... interesting levels of sanity. She was... She was interesting.
------------------------------------------

[Oddball]

I only read the first few lines.

First problem...

I think it is obvious from the fact I am here in general I am a fan of katawa shoujo and normally writing isn't a high priority of mine (more into reading personally but I digress) and on reading a fair bit of the fan-fiction at my leisure I became more and more interested in the writing style/styles used and eventually that lead me here writing this when talking about my writing yes I know my grammar is ridiculously bad and yes it does constrict me as a writer also if sentence structure is a bit off you have my sincere condolences I may be interested in writing but that does not make me a good writer by any stretch of the imagination this will possibly be the first in a few stories about an oc character called Akemi Kaneko who has (among other things) a form of epilepsy (for those who don't know there are multiple) and at least gives an attempt at being witty and is generally fun-loving anyway the first chapter takes place following an alternate version of the scene "it builds character" in which Hisao fails to ask for directions to the art room and so ends up wandering Yamaku:

This is apparently a single sentence.

Look, I can understand how you might have a few problems with punctuation here and there, but this is going a little overboard. Go back, and insert a period wherever one statement stops and before the next begins. In fact, you seem to have forgotten punctuation almost entirely judging by a quick skim of your story. I say almost, as you do seem to have a few question marks.

Other things to note, every sentence is supposed to start with a capital letter.

Then go back and skip a line every time the speaker changes or when you start a new paragraph.

if you start a sentence with something like yeah, sure, or wow you might want to put a comma after the word.

[Mirage_GSM]

Where to start...

Actually, what Oddball said is a good place: The complete lack of any punctuation makes this nigh unreadable.

If you go beyond that - and I only went beyond that because it is a short chapter - your dialogue is sorely lacking in descriptions. You just fire one line after another. I realize you are attempting to be funny, but the effect is just making reading even more strenuous.

Next, the characterization is a bit off in places. Your OC is of course yours to write, but she seems too hyper to be real, and Hisao... For example, what reason should he have to withhold his name after she introduced herself to him.

Finally, if you choose a topic title like this, you will practically assure that people come here with the lowest expectation possible...

Other stuff as well, but working this out should be more than enough for now.

[Helbereth]

I'm going to go ahead and skip trying to tell you what you did wrong - Oddball and Mirage already covered the major points. Instead, I suggest that you do more reading, and really pay attention to how things are written. Get a sense for how sentences are constructed, where punctuation is used, how paragraphs are put together, and pay particular attention to dialogue construction.

It almost doesn't matter what you're reading, but don't go with YouTube comments, 4chan pages, or anyplace else where grammatical structure is waived. You can also consult the tips post for more information on numerous aspects of writing, but reading about how to write is no substitute for doing your own research.

Also, until you really know what you're doing, don't try to write especially long stories; tackling a story with the expected length of a pseudo-route when you haven't even mastered the period or the comma will not end well.

[YutoTheOrc]

Okay, I'm not gonna bust your chops or anything, but I will give you some friendly advice. Try to organize your writing, It was hard to remember where I was.

The best way to learn is through trial and error, from; examining, mimicking, and creating. What I suggest you do, is read the stories that can be found here and get a feel for it. Then using the information you saw, mimic it in your own writing(I don't mean plagiarize). Then when you feel confident, write your story out. Then edit and refine, edit and refine. You might scrap a few copies, but that's fine. Its part of the process. Nobody started off as a great writer, if they say they did-they're lying. Every one of us started somewhere, and we have improved. We still are improving, even the big names. Ask anyone. SO, whatever you do. DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!. Keep writing and reading, eventually you'll get the hang of it.