Not Like Him - Rin Oneshot

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Numb
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Not Like Him - Rin Oneshot

Post by Numb » Thu Jun 26, 2014 5:21 pm

So a conversation in the Random KS Discussion thread gave me this idea. The idea to try writing something from Rin's perspective. Gotta say, not as difficult as one might first thing, but JEEZ it takes a while to think of the next thing to say. Anyway, this is the scene in the VN in which Rin collapses in the art exhibit, told from her perspective. Give any feedback you have, this piece is highly experimental.
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Talking. So many people talking.

“Miss Tezuka, how do…?”

“I don’t – ”

“Miss Tezuka, what inspired…?”

“Well, I – ”

“I assume you use…?”

“I… umm… ”

Hisao. I need Hisao. Where-?

“So where do you get…?”

“That’s – ”

More questions. Why are there so many questions? Answers, questions, why do they need to exist? What makes them so…

“Are you alright?”

All right? I… Am I wrong? What is right? Why have the voices stopped? Do I need to speak now?

“I don’t know…” Hisao. Where? Help, somebody, any-

“Tezuka? What’s wrong, girl?”

Anybody but you. Give me Emi, Hisao, Sae, Hisao, just anyone but you. Please.

“Tezuka?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong…” I don’t know if I’m wrong. I don’t know what’s right either. I feel like something is wrong, maybe it’s my breathing. Focus, stare at something, just listen to the air. Fresh air. Outside? Yes, please.

Lean somewhere. Hisao. Wall. The wall is probably less likely to complain. Wall.

“Are you okay?” the wall, or Hisao, asks. Which way is Hisao? I need to look at him. That plant looks like him, that’ll do.

“I couldn’t say anything…”

Plant Hisao doesn’t respond, so I look around for fleshy Hisao. Real Hisao. He looks different than he did before the questions started. Maybe it’s because he’s looking away instead of at me. I don’t think I like it. Plant Hisao looks more like the Hisao I need right now.

“What did you want to say?”

I wanted to say everything, but I didn’t really want to talk for too long. I wanted to stop the questions. I…

“I don’t know.”

I don’t know what the answers would’ve been. They kept asking me what things mean. I wish I could’ve said something.

“Something that would’ve meant something.”

Something that mattered. Like what Emi does. Like what Hisao does. Or maybe those things only matter to me. They make me feel safe, I don’t like thinking about what would happen if they stopped.

I look out into the streets, into the blurry lights. Cars run down the streets, rain makes all the different lights glow a little bit more… I want to see more of it.

“We should go back in… The guests Sae invited are in there. They probably want to meet you, and talk with you.”

Hisao… Please don’t be like him.

“You know, ask you questions and stuff. About the paintings you worked so hard for.”

Questions. Doesn’t he realise that questions are why he had to bring me out here in the first place?

“I don’t want them to ask me questions like that. I can never say the right things.” I frown. I think this is frowning. Please get the message Hisao, I don’t want to go back.

“What do you want then?”

What’s that thing people do when they’re tired? Not, like, sleepy tired, but tired because of something. Not yawning…

“That someone wouldn’t have to ask questions from me.”

“But if you found someone like that, then what?” Hisao asks. Why is it so hard to get him to understand that I don’t want questions anymore? I just want to be me without having to explain me. “Do you really think that it’d be some kind of be-all, end-all thing? Star crossed lovers? Happily ever afters?”

He really doesn’t understand… He just keeps looking at me like I’m doing something wrong. The same was the people inside looked at me.

“No, I don’t think that…” I look back out to the lights and cars, the rain, the empty air. “But at least then I wouldn’t have to be alone.”

The sky has too many clouds in it today. The buildings make it hard to see shapes anyway.

“I shouldn’t have done this. Not yet.”

“The exhibition?”

A sigh. That’s what the thing is. He just has to keep asking questions. Why can’t he just be Hisao like I want him to be?

“Why? Wrong conjunction of the planets?”

Now he just thinks I’m being dumb. The planets don’t matter. If he wants dumb though, I’ll be dumb. Maybe it’ll stop his questioning.

“No, not that. I double-checked, and I got up with the right, I mean left, foot and did everything else left, I mean right.”

It’s not his fault that he’s like this. It’s like Nomiya always said…

“It’s me. I was wrong.”

I don’t need the exhibit. Not now. I need lights, and rain. I need to leave.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“School. I’m leaving.”

“What… why?”

“Because I want to be me.”

And I want you to stop being him, and be you.

“Rin!”

No Hisao. Not right now I’m not.

“Rin… listen. I… I don’t believe you have to be alone, even if you never meet anyone like that.”



I thought I already did meet someone like that. Goodbye, Hisao. Come find me when you’re back to normal. I’ll be out here with the cars.
Currently working on: Notes for a new project (Coming Soon™)
I did KS and other songs on note blocks in Minecraft: Playlist here
Old works| Rooftops - An Emi Story| Christmas with the Hakamichis | Not Like Him - Rin Perspective|Blossom - A Miki pseudo-route

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Oscar Wildecat
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Re: Not Like Him - Rin Oneshot

Post by Oscar Wildecat » Thu Jun 26, 2014 6:02 pm

Really good, for a "highly experimental" piece.

My take on Rin's breakdown at the art exhibit is that she had something akin to a panic attack. A different sort of panic attack than the one Hanako had when she found out about Hisao and Lilly buying her a birthday present, but a panic attack nonetheless. At any rate, I would think that Rin's thought processes would reflect a greater sense of oppression (from the barrage of questions) than this work conveys at the start. (I have the image of a swarm of lead butterflies, for some reason.)

However, from this point
Anybody but you. Give me Emi, Hisao, Sae, Hisao, just anyone but you. Please.
forward, I would say that what you have works well.
I like all the girls in KS, but empathize with Hanako the most.
"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience." - Mark Twain
“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.” - Winston Churchill
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strange desire
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Re: Not Like Him - Rin Oneshot

Post by strange desire » Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:50 pm

I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing, Numb! The short lines and terse sentences give the impression that Rin can barely squeeze a thought in between statements. It's refreshing compared to other interpretations in which her thoughts come fast and irreverent. The lack of transitions makes it seem like Rin doesn't even know where she is for most of it. In short, PANIC! 👍
I wanted to say everything... I don’t know what the answers would’ve been... I wish I could’ve said something.
They make me feel safe, I don’t like thinking about what would happen if they stopped.
If he wants dumb though, I’ll be dumb.
A troubled, but not unintelligent Rin. The contradictions are interesting; She struggles to find something to say when questioned, but invents a sarcastic remark from thin air, hinting at a deep cynicism.

For some negative criticism, you've fallen into the same trap I do: It's unclear who is speaking in the dialogue. It works well in the first half, but when it's just Rin and Hisao it becomes confusing. If I may suggest, a light sprinkling of 'he' and 'I' would do well given it's just the two of them.

It's a short piece, but it says a lot. Thanks for sharing. Reminds me of my own attempts at Rin... if I ever finish them.

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Numb
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Re: Not Like Him - Rin Oneshot

Post by Numb » Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:47 pm

strange desire wrote:For some negative criticism, you've fallen into the same trap I do: It's unclear who is speaking in the dialogue. It works well in the first half, but when it's just Rin and Hisao it becomes confusing. If I may suggest, a light sprinkling of 'he' and 'I' would do well given it's just the two of them.

It's a short piece, but it says a lot. Thanks for sharing. Reminds me of my own attempts at Rin... if I ever finish them.
The dialogue thing is an unfortunate side effect of working on a VN, as the majority of my writing currently is done in script format. It's one of the reasons I have Lustre as a side project. It also felt weird when I did put the "he" and "I" sprinklings in, like for some reason it was breaking up the Rin-ness of the piece. Either way, yes, it is an unfortunate trap, but I feel like changing it would take away from parts of the text :?
Currently working on: Notes for a new project (Coming Soon™)
I did KS and other songs on note blocks in Minecraft: Playlist here
Old works| Rooftops - An Emi Story| Christmas with the Hakamichis | Not Like Him - Rin Perspective|Blossom - A Miki pseudo-route

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Craftyatom
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Re: Not Like Him - Rin Oneshot

Post by Craftyatom » Mon Jun 30, 2014 9:38 pm

I enjoyed reading this, you did a good job establishing an emotional basis. Commendations on the work.
Numb wrote:The dialogue thing is an unfortunate side effect of working on a VN, as the majority of my writing currently is done in script format.
I know that feeling, I spent some time working on a VN, and when I first went back to writing a 3rd person piece, it felt really weird. You start to lose track of which pronouns go where.
Main route: COM(promise)
One-shots: Crafty's One-Shots (Brief Exchanges, Dark Winter Sky, Dead of Night, Destroyer, Dreamy, Project Blue Curtain, and Undercover Journalism)
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YutoTheOrc
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Re: Not Like Him - Rin Oneshot

Post by YutoTheOrc » Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:39 pm

That was good, I enjoyed it. It allowed me to see into Rin's head. I never particularly liked Rin, but I enjoyed seeing her perspective on this scene. Oh Plant Hisao, you lady-killer ;)

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