Yamaku Book Club (20201116 LOL Quartet)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Before Yamaku)

Post by Oddball » Thu Jul 30, 2020 1:47 pm

Image

One of the hardest parts of the book club is coming up with a nice clever opening.

So anyway, this is a story.

Yeah, I got nothing this time.

Before Yamaku - the events leading up to KS by TomokoNoKokoro.

This is just a short one-shot focusing on right before Hisao's heart attack.

Seeing Hisao, his friends, and Iwanako before the events of the game isn't something you see that often, so it's nice to see them fleshed out somewhat. Iwanako came off especially cute.

Sadly, it's not all good. The narration style keeps switching around, which causes the story to loose it's focus. It also seems to continue past the heart attack, but only as the briefest of summaries. I feel that either the story should have stayed prior to the heart attack, or that the scenes after should have been longer and more fleshed out.
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NuclearStudent
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200803 Before Yamaku)

Post by NuclearStudent » Thu Jul 30, 2020 11:46 pm

Why does this exist? Nothing really happens here, and no particular mood is created.

Answer being that it's an author's first work and a warming-up of the engines. Author never came back, so presumably they're doing better work elsewhere.
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Hacksorus
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200803 Before Yamaku)

Post by Hacksorus » Tue Aug 04, 2020 2:27 am

Yeah, this one was kinda all over the place. Felt like maybe the author had an idea of a sequence of events they wanted to write about, but for the pacing and whose perspective it's being told from and what mood they're going for, they were just kind of winging it. I would have imagined the climax of the story would be experiencing the heart attack from Iwanako's perspective, but instead we just got a flat, rapid-fire summary of everything that happened there.

I could criticize more, but the comments here and on the original post already covered most of those bases.
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woohootouhou
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200803 Before Yamaku)

Post by woohootouhou » Thu Aug 13, 2020 12:54 am

It's alright. I don't think it's badly written, but it would've been better if it was all from one perspective instead of the weird paragraph of Hisao's where nothing really happens. That's sort of the issue with this piece- there really isn't any substance at all. It's barely more than what we're given in the game itself. It just doesn't feel like there's much of a reason for this piece to exist.

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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Zade Wither)

Post by Oddball » Sat Aug 22, 2020 6:16 pm

That time again!

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Zade Wither by AlphaWarMeister.

Ah, Zade Wither. A name that feels like it belongs in a 80s action movie set in some horrible future, or maybe an early 90s anime. How can you not love a story with a guy named Zade Wither? What is his disability you may ask? He has a badass eyepatch, naturally.

In the prologue of the story, his died is killed and he looses an eye. Neither of these things seems to actually affect him much. In fact he seems to have a neat idea for his empty eye socket. (The story stops before we reach that point though. I'm personally betting it's something cool and badass.)

I actually do like the idea that he thinks he's cool and fine but ends up walking into things because he's not used to the lack of depth perception.

We never get a clear description of the guy, but I'm betting his has white hair and wears a trench coat (or at least a styling leather jacket.)
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NoticeMeOppai
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200803 Before Yamaku)

Post by NoticeMeOppai » Sat Aug 22, 2020 6:29 pm

Man that guy sure had something cool planned for his eye socket.

He even told himself he had plans for his eye socket a few weeks after initially telling the doctor not to get him a glass eye because he had plans for the eye socket, so it must have been cool.

Can't wait to find out what cool things he has planned for his eye socket. Hopefully he'll tell us before he walks into another wall.

Also it's not like he didn't have any emotions about his dad dying, I mean he did have that one tear that rolled down his cheek and to a guy who goes around calling himself Zane Wither I think that's pretty emotional.
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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200803 Before Yamaku)

Post by Oddball » Sat Aug 22, 2020 6:39 pm

NoticeMeOppai wrote:
Sat Aug 22, 2020 6:29 pm
Man that guy sure had something cool planned for his eye socket.

He even told himself he had plans for his eye socket a few weeks after initially telling the doctor not to get him a glass eye because he had plans for the eye socket, so it must have been cool.

Can't wait to find out what cool things he has planned for his eye socket. Hopefully he'll tell us before he walks into another wall.

Also it's not like he didn't have any emotions about his dad dying, I mean he did have that one tear that rolled down his cheek and to a guy who goes around calling himself Zane Wither I think that's pretty emotional.
:lol:

Seriously. You actually made me laugh at loud.

I honestly wish there was more of Zade Wither. He seemed like he had the potential to be a truly memorable character.
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brythain
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Zade Wither)

Post by brythain » Sat Aug 22, 2020 11:02 pm

Oddball wrote:
Sat Aug 22, 2020 6:16 pm
We never get a clear description of the guy, but I'm betting his has white hair and wears a trench coat (or at least a styling leather jacket.)
Or he should be black, bald, and use a lot of expletives while attempting to get people with superpowers to work for him.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Jake Zero
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200803 Before Yamaku)

Post by Jake Zero » Sat Aug 22, 2020 11:11 pm

Or request people to play their fucking music before tossing them out while they're listening to it.

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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200824 Zade Wither)

Post by Silentcook » Sun Aug 23, 2020 9:03 am

Yeah, that's the kind of reason why my mouse finger twitches above the "delete forum" button at times... :cry:
Then I take a deep breath and remind myself it's not ALL gone to pot.

Also sparkly gem for the eye socket, possibly with superpowers. Behold, optic blast! You heard it here first.
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Feurox
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200824 Zade Wither)

Post by Feurox » Sun Aug 23, 2020 6:16 pm

I can never read stories like this without thinking back to the wonderful Munchenhausen’s “Josh-San.”

That being said, I’d love to get a beer with Zade. Him and Kenji seem like two really chill and down to earth guys, and I bet they’d be a pleasure to drink with.
Last edited by Feurox on Mon Aug 24, 2020 6:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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NuclearStudent
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200824 Zade Wither)

Post by NuclearStudent » Mon Aug 24, 2020 2:50 am

I feel quite bad bashing this type of writing. It's someone's first piece of writing. I think that's enough context and explanation for, well, all of it.
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brythain
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200824 Zade Wither)

Post by brythain » Mon Aug 24, 2020 11:34 am

NuclearStudent wrote:
Mon Aug 24, 2020 2:50 am
I feel quite bad bashing this type of writing. It's someone's first piece of writing. I think that's enough context and explanation for, well, all of it.
That's sometimes why some people don't get any comments from me. :D
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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NuclearStudent
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200824 Zade Wither)

Post by NuclearStudent » Mon Aug 24, 2020 1:18 pm

brythain wrote:
Mon Aug 24, 2020 11:34 am
NuclearStudent wrote:
Mon Aug 24, 2020 2:50 am
I feel quite bad bashing this type of writing. It's someone's first piece of writing. I think that's enough context and explanation for, well, all of it.
That's sometimes why some people don't get any comments from me. :D
And that is a problem, because people do need feedback to improve. If this person were still here, I'd go out on a branch and try to offer some feedback. Goodness knows that I'm an extremely raw writer myself and I need any help I can get.

On the topic of feedback though, this fic has the benefit of having one distinct thing "wrong" with it, in terms of the edgy main character we're all implicitly mocking. It has other problems, but I personally hold that memorable flaws are better than a forgettable mediocre story. I personally hold that we're not necessarily in the business of fanfic to look at things which are "good" per say, but to find badfics that are broken in strange and interesting ways.

Zade Withers isn't bad, goofy, or long enough to be a true badfic.
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brythain
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200824 Zade Wither)

Post by brythain » Mon Aug 24, 2020 2:06 pm

NuclearStudent wrote:
Mon Aug 24, 2020 1:18 pm
And that is a problem, because people do need feedback to improve.
You can imagine me sitting there, not quite knowing how to improve on the text presented, and hesitant to say anything negative without something positive to offer. And after some time has passed, I too regretfully pass. The problem is with me—I don't think I'm very good at giving useful advice most of the time.

Generally, if I can see a fix that isn't just language-based, I would offer it. But sometimes I'm quite sure the author doesn't want it fixed. In the past, I'd say, "Hey, this doesn't have the right tone," and the response would be, "Too bad." Or, "You could try making the plot less of X and more of Y," too which I'd get, "I was going for X."

Maybe I should go back to trying. Or not. But when people offer me advice, I do take it seriously myself. People like Oddball and ProfA actually 'forced' rewrites out of me, or at least lengthy clarifications.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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