Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Hanako Fancopter
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Post by Hanako Fancopter » Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:42 am

That was a fun little romp, though a bit jarring when Hisao is standing there with Misha's blood on his hands and she just laughs it off and skips away. The Misha that we got in the final version of the game was much more sensitive about losing her virginity. This one definitely works as an "evil Misha" concept though, it fits when I imagine her as wanting to take Hisao for herself.

Also noticed that Misha starts off saying "Hisao-kun" then somehow switches to "Hicchan" sometime around when they have sex. I like the idea of her using different suffixes for friends and romantic partners.... and what that implies about her saying "Shizu-chan" in this story 8)

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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Post by Craftyatom » Sun Jun 09, 2019 12:42 am

Sweet Voice
The story stands well enough on its own, in my opinion - the interesting component is, as HiveMind mentioned, how it relates to canon.

This is going to sound strange, but in my mind, the alcohol really made it work, far better than its counterparts in the VN. Misha's "tragedy" is a rather dull and constant ache, not the kind of thing that really spikes on its own - it needs something to set it off, otherwise it buries itself after only a minor showing. In the VN, it surfaces almost out of the blue - which is characteristic - but it seems to flow rather smoothly once it has - which isn't. In my mind, this story did a much better job getting the pacing right: it's set into motion by external events, and gradually gains ground until it erupts in full. It's like Chernobyl: an unusual circumstance, followed by a specific series of unusual but related and seemingly benign events, and then by the time you realize things are going wrong, they can't be stopped.

Basically, the breakdown and segue into naughtiness felt much more natural here than I remember in the VN. Part of that is the fact that they're both inebriated, it's true. But I think a bigger component is that Misha makes the decision to order alcohol. It's a self-destructive decision, but when it doesn't ruin things, it makes her want to try even harder, to let things erupt. End scene.

Hisao's internal monologue felt really on-point, too. Couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but it read very much like the Hisao in canon. Only change I would've made is after the "taking responsibility" joke - he's relieved, but he shouldn't be that relieved. I feel like that dread would transform into dread at the thought of the other consequences of his actions.
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Post by TheHivemind » Sun Jun 09, 2019 5:42 am

Oddball wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 4:11 pm
although he was my editor for the duration and put up with me in a way nobody really should have.
Any interesting stories there you'd care to share?
The unrelenting march of time has erased most of the details from my brain, unfortunately. It suffices to say that, as I've said on this very forum at least a few times, I very quietly attempted to walk away from the project, and by the time the final draft was finished was all too ready to never think about it again. SC's unenviable task was to gently prod me into fixing and/or re-writing the bits that were still rubbish. Also he's the one who said it was lemon-scented lube, which is the only thing people remember about the path anyway.

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