Yamaku Book Club (20190916 Yields Six Servings)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
User avatar
Razoredge
Posts: 102
Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2015 12:31 pm
Location: Bordeaux, France

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190318 Yamaku's Cheshire Cat)

Post by Razoredge » Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:10 am

Short but very cute. I really love to read good Hanako and Miki's stuff. Especially when something is about this pairing. One of my instant favorites.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2803
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Yamaku Book Club (Silence Falls)

Post by Oddball » Mon Apr 01, 2019 2:13 pm

Image


This time around we take a look at a story called Silence Falls by WiseSilver.

Going by the title, you can probably guess who the story is about. (If you guessed Nomiya you're wrong.) The story is abit more pruple prose style that I tend to enjoy, giving it sort of a romance novel feel, but at the same time feeling like it's trying just a bit too hard.

The story itself is ... way too short for the amount of things it wants to do. The last half of it feels more like a summary of several chapters.

It also features a main character named Silver Kenneth which is about the most JRPG-ish name I think I've encountered in KS fics, and yes that does include Lezard Valeth who is actually from a JRPG.
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 201
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190401 Silence Falls)

Post by Feurox » Tue Apr 09, 2019 11:47 am

I quite enjoy purple prose when it's done right. But I'm not sure this is one of those scenarios. Maybe that's the pot calling the kettle, but a lot of the sentences in this piece feel stilted and really off. It has it's salvageable moments:

she couldn't help but notice how the sun shone across it, making seem as if it was the first snow in a northern winter.



But more often than not, it falls short and simply comes off as jaring:

She felt his hand squeeze hers and with the last of his strength he whispered something...
"And so the silence falls...." His voice echoed, slowly drown out by the sound of her cries.
This serves to be a good example for another problem with this story, not only does it try to cramp too much into too little as Oddball mentioned, but it dramatically misses the mark for what could be quite a humbling end. Silver is some serious deus ex machina, not just in his insertion into the story, I don't mind that since the story is short, but in how simply perfect he apparently is. There's no conflict in this story, Silver appears and sweeps Shizune off of her feet - dying with poetic last words, when a more real ending, in my opinion, would have suited this story better. Considering how heavily romanticised the story is, there was a lot of potential for the author to subvvert that expectation and emphasise Shizune's fragility and strength of character. But no. Instead, Shizune is told he's dying, he sweeps her off of his feet, and then he dies. The piece would have benfited from either stretching the scenario out, or by humanising Silver a lot more - last words are rarely ever pretty and 'And so the silence falls...' takes the cake here. We have no reason to care about Silver, simply because he's not made real - he's Mr Perfect who's personality is charm and nothing else. A one dimensional man with a fittingly stupid death. What frustrates me about this is that Shizune's character is diminished by association, when the prior characterisation, I think, is mostly believeable.


That all being said, this had some good moments.


I really like the opening of the story, and some of the criticisims in the thread are, in my opinion, unjust. Mirage mentions that too many sentences start with 'she', but I think that showcases a misreading. The earlier section does, indeed, start with 'She' this and 'She' that, but I felt that this was most probably intentional and worked to the effect of making her life feel monitimous and autonomous; a point Shizune herself acknowledges as night becomes day and she works and then doesn't. There's some good potential in the story. Shizune is at a crossroads, where suddenly work doesn't mean everything; and even though it's told in a rushed manor, I like that she mostly remains a strong independent character whilst simultaneously being in love:

she was now the head of a successful political firm that helped politicians plan and complete their campaigns



Too many stories about Shizune involve her in some way 'weaking', but it's usually in a unsettling way, where Shizune is taught a lesson to 'not be such a bitch' as I've heard before. I don't think this story makes that mistake, (although, I think more could have been done to make this clear), Shizune remains mostly strong, with vulnerability but not 'weakness'. Shizune's pragmatic nature shines through in the speed of their relationship, and whilst it's all quite rushed, her relationship with Silver doesn't appear to be a harmful one. I would have liked to have seen more of her competitive nature, and more of Shizune taking the initiative and not being 'easily won', but then, this is an ambitious short story that misses the mark by an acceptable margin.


All of this to say, I quite enjoyed the story even though it has plenty of short-commings. I would also add that the initial thread was probably deserving of some more detailed comments, and it's nice to see that commenting on this forum has become on the whole a more thoughtful and constructive process.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5946
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190401 Silence Falls)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Wed Apr 10, 2019 5:43 pm

Well... I think I wrote all I cared to write about this story the first time around.
The story hasn't gotten any better with age...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2803
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Yamaku Book Club (Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Oddball » Sat Apr 27, 2019 11:26 am

Image

Pictures of Lilly by Andonymos.

It's that time again!

Here we have a short Sad Lilly story. There's a bit of awkward phrasing here and there and I'm not sure Lilly would even want to see, but for the most part it's a wonderfully written piece.

It does make me curious as to how a longer work like this would continue. The idea of Lilly learning how to see and understand what things are could be interesting.
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 201
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190429 Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Feurox » Tue Apr 30, 2019 7:21 am

I really enjoyed this piece. It manages to hit a fantastic blend of charming, sad, hopeful, and bittersweet. I don’t have much more to say about it, because it’s really just a nice little piece.

There’s enough technical jargon in there to make it at least somewhat believable, which is enough for a work of this length.

I don’t think I’d like to see a continuation of that story though. Everything that needed to be shown already had, without diluting the novelty.

Kudos Andonymos.

User avatar
Razoredge
Posts: 102
Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2015 12:31 pm
Location: Bordeaux, France

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190429 Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Razoredge » Tue Apr 30, 2019 10:06 am

I can't describe my feelings while reading this piece. In other words, that was really nice.

Bravo.
Lilly = Akira > Miki = Hanako > Emi > Rin > Shizune

Stuff I'm currently writing : Beyond the haze : A Lilly Satou pseudo-route & Razor's One Shots & misc.

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5946
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190429 Pictures of Lilly)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri May 03, 2019 9:39 am

Well, looking at the story now I would have a few things more to say about it than when it first came out.
The author did mention Lilly's problems matching sight to concepts, but I think it would probably be worse than depicted in the story for a woman of thirty. Well, it is a very short story, and it's nice it was touched upon at all.
Also the thing about them all being very young has been mentioned. 27 is young to be a doctor let alone have completed groundbreaking research and being considered for a Nobel. Also they probably wouldn't award one for a technology that has not been proven to work and is still several years from implementation.
Still a very moving story, though.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2803
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Yamaku Book Club (Overdrive)

Post by Oddball » Thu May 16, 2019 9:23 am

Image

Overdrive by Hotkey.

Last time we took a look at a Lilly story. This time for a change of pace, we take a look at a Lilly story that has Emi in it. There's also a very rapey not very likable Hisao (as opposed to a likable rapist?)
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
brythain
Posts: 3483
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2014 8:58 pm
Location: East Asia
Contact:

Re: Yamaku Book Club (Overdrive)

Post by brythain » Fri May 31, 2019 6:17 am

Oddball wrote:
Thu May 16, 2019 9:23 am
Last time we took a look at a Lilly story. This time for a change of pace, we take a look at a Lilly story that has Emi in it. There's also a very rapey not very likable Hisao (as opposed to a likable rapist?)
Oh I remember this one with the creepy Hisao molesting Lilly. It's okay as a text. It's got a rather uncomfortable subtext all round.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5946
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Fri May 31, 2019 9:24 am

Yeah, I dimly remember proofreading that one... And I remember commenting that Hisao's behaviour might potentially be considered a tad questionable... Hmm... Maybe I should cut back on the understatement...
Anyway, the google doc with my comments is no longer online, but in the PMs when the author approached me about the editing, he promised not to argue any points I brought up...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2803
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Yamaku Book Club (Sweet Voice)

Post by Oddball » Thu Jun 06, 2019 5:12 pm

Image

The last several stories I've posted have only gotten a couple of replies each. Maybe this one will capture more people's attention.

'Sweet Voice' by our very own Silentcook.

This story is from 2008, way before the game actually was finished so something are a bit off. Misha for example feels a lot different than the Misha we're used to an even refer to Hisao as "Hisao-kun" and Shizune is "Shizu-chan".

But even with the somehow even more blunt and teasing Misha and an even more pathetic Hisao, the story itself is pretty fun. The pace is a bit fast though. I do enjoy Hisao's thoughts on his relationship with Shizune at the beginning. The little peak into Misha's mind about how she doesn't get to have her own voice are also well done.
Not Dead Yet

User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 5946
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jun 06, 2019 6:47 pm

I remember reading that story a long time ago, but didn't want to necro the thread just to comment.
I don't exactly remember when Act1 was released, but going by SCs comments - and the presence of kun suffixes - this was written before the official release of the demo. It still contains some elements like Yuuko or the Shanghai, so I guess SC waited until after the release to post it... I only joined the forums after the demo came out, so I'm not sure how many details were public knowledge before.
The story itself is quite good - and certainly less jarring than a certain other fic by the same author... :roll:
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

TheHivemind
Path Writer
Posts: 863
Joined: Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Post by TheHivemind » Fri Jun 07, 2019 3:37 pm

You know, I always did get jealous of how well Silentcook wrote everyone. I said, often, that he probably should've written Emi's path and not me - although he was my editor for the duration and put up with me in a way nobody really should have.

Misha in this is perhaps her most tragic. Also probably about as conniving (and straight-adjacent) as she'll ever get. I myself, as a general rule, always wanted her to be a lesbian rather than bi, and that's more of what she turned out to be in the game itself, but there you go. She doesn't know what she's doing but she kind of charges ahead and trusts to sake and teen horniness to take care of the rest, and, you know, it does.

Ah, these blasts from the past make me feel alive again.

User avatar
Oddball
Posts: 2803
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20190520 Overdrive)

Post by Oddball » Fri Jun 07, 2019 4:11 pm

although he was my editor for the duration and put up with me in a way nobody really should have.
Any interesting stories there you'd care to share?
Not Dead Yet

Post Reply