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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180225 'The Diary of Tezuka Rin…' by dewelar)

Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2018 2:31 am
by Craftyatom
I wasn't as put off by Rin being "overboard" as others who have commented on it. I can understand what they're getting at, certainly, but I think the characterization is close enough not to be much of an issue. That is, however, pretty much all there is to say about the story... much as I like being able to read the whole thing in a few minutes, it does mean that there's not as much depth. That said, it's probably longer than I could've made it, so props to the author.

Only little tidbit I wondered about, that I haven't seen mentioned here, is the line "And that's who I actually am, at least right now." The romantic in me can't help but wonder: was there ever a plan to have the last entry in the diary of Tezuka Rin, and the first entry in the diary of Nakai Rin? Would make sense if it's post-good-ending, depending on the time frame. Or maybe all of the recent proposal fics have just gone to my head.
dewelar wrote:
Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:35 pm
Admittedly, this kind of falls under "Old Shame" for me.

Ah, well. I think I got better.
It's a brave writer who can stare down work from their early days. Still, an interesting relic, if nothing else.

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180225 'The Diary of Tezuka Rin…' by dewelar)

Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2018 7:56 pm
by dewelar
Craftyatom wrote:
Thu Mar 01, 2018 2:31 am
Only little tidbit I wondered about, that I haven't seen mentioned here, is the line "And that's who I actually am, at least right now." The romantic in me can't help but wonder: was there ever a plan to have the last entry in the diary of Tezuka Rin, and the first entry in the diary of Nakai Rin?
Really, there was no ending planned whatsoever. I just wanted to take it wherever it led me, to explore the Rin within, if you will. The one thing I had hoped to explore was Rin's family, which is the only family among the six mains that never gets discussed in-game (not counting Nomiya's throwaway line about her parents), and doesn't really get explored much even in fanfic. But blah blah best laid plans blah...
dewelar wrote:
Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:35 pm
Admittedly, this kind of falls under "Old Shame" for me.

Ah, well. I think I got better.
It's a brave writer who can stare down work from their early days. Still, an interesting relic, if nothing else.
Thanks.

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180225 'The Diary of Tezuka Rin…' by dewelar)

Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 12:44 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Rin? Is that you? :lol:

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180225 'The Diary of Tezuka Rin…' by dewelar)

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 11:33 am
by Oddball
And now it's time for something completely different.


Image

I thought it was about time we started looking at longer works here. Not all the time, but I wanted the option to be available ... and WHAT a longer story we have here.

Madame Lillian's Specialty Service by kosherbacon.
d2r wrote:
Sun Jan 11, 2015 3:56 pm
This story is perverse, disgusting, immoral, and pornographic.

I give it my wholehearted approval.

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180305 'Madam Lillian's Specialty Service')

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 12:56 pm
by Mirage_GSM
For those who were still wondering what my Sig is referring to...

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180305 'Madam Lillian's Specialty Service')

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 12:58 pm
by brythain
Starting out, I felt like I was going to hell for this.
.
So began one of the most entertaining pieces I ever had the pleasure (?) of reading. That quote, from the author's original post, burned deep into my soul. I resolved to never write anything again, after reading that. I broke my resolution. It was that kind of perverse work. From the introduction of 'Amy Poplar' at the beginning (oh, what a terrible joke!) I was hooked. Ouch.

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180305 'Madam Lillian's Specialty Service')

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 4:48 pm
by ProfAllister
I'm not certain that this deserves to be considered a "good" fic, for what it's worth, but I'd certainly list it as "required reading".

Spelling and grammar seem solid enough, the pacing goes at a nice clip. The flow of events in that final chapter feel a little "off" (a bit rushed, contrived, and TEH DRAMA), but certainly an acceptable work overall.

Obviously, there's a heavy bit of deliberate out of character, etc., but no one should have been expecting much fidelity, given the tone and plot.

And of course there's the factual standpoint, that you can't go into debt from illness in Japan because prescription drugs come in vending machines at 500 yen or a 30-day supply, and they actually pay you to stay in their hospitals, but it's reasonable to expect that most Americans don't know that.

The setting is silly fun, and that's all well and good. What really makes this fic shine, in my opinion, are the one-liners:
Nomiya wasn't really a dirty old man, but a big old softy who enjoyed pampering young girls. For some reason, his last two wives didn't think it was such a harmless hobby.
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Better have Lilly's money
Or she'll fucking kill you."
"You a cop?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, even if you were, not like you'd tell me anyway, huh? Get in."
Kenji did everything manly, even girly drinks.
You kind've look like a whor- erm, what I mean to say is that subtle, natural colors would look better on you.
And so on.

Also, interesting the convention of giving Hisao two "selves" and remaining consistent throughout any given chapter.

In short, it would've been really easy to just phone something ridiculous in for a few lols and move on. Instead, there's a surprising degree of care put into the craft.

A shitpost of this caliber deserves to be displayed in a museum. (Too much? Yeah, I think so too.)

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180305 'Madam Lillian's Specialty Service')

Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2018 4:35 am
by Craftyatom
ProfAllister wrote:
Tue Mar 06, 2018 4:48 pm
In short, it would've been really easy to just phone something ridiculous in for a few lols and move on. Instead, there's a surprising degree of care put into the craft.
Basically my thoughts on this story. This is not a crackfic in the sense that it was written by someone whose writing was bad or rushed - it's a crackfic because someone who knew what they were doing wanted to have some fun. There are a fair few stories on this forum that fit that niche, and they're excellent, in my opinion. They're not going to make readers emotional or become widespread headcanon, but they're still incredible at doing what they do, and are generally decently well-thought-out. I'm not saying that every off-the-wall story is a winner, but those written by good writers certainly can be.

Honestly, disregarding the changes made to the setting and cast beforehand, I had no issues with this piece. The syntax was fine, the dialogue was fluid, the pacing was good (save it getting a little fast near the end), the imagery was vivid, and the characterizations were surprisingly on point - the characters acted pretty much as expected, given the changes in setting. If you pre-set Madame Lillian and the major clientele of her specialty service, I think all other characters would fall into roughly the roles depicted here.

A good read, especially given its age and role in the community. Obviously not everyone's cup of tea, but if you can make it past the second paragraph, you can make it through the whole thing.

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180305 'Madam Lillian's Specialty Service')

Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2018 6:42 pm
by StilesLong
I had to stop reading part of the way through: partially due to length, but mostly because I'm not a huge fan of these sorts of fics.

However, it was hard not to notice that the writing was crisp and clear and the pacing good. The fic was well carried-off, for what it was, though it was certainly quite strange.

I'd say more but I didn't finish the fic.

Re: Yamaku Book Club: The Escape

Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 2:39 pm
by Oddball
Image

I probably let that one go longer than i should have. Now that i think about it, there really isn't much to say about the story. So to make up for that, let's do a quick short one.


The Escape by Moekki ... sort of.

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180319 'The Escape')

Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 12:37 am
by brythain
I liked reading 'The Escape' when I first saw it. It struck me as a beautiful fragment that had been unfortunately discarded from a rich table of scraps that had been put together by the devs. I still don't know who wrote the text, but the art is distinctive. The characters seem overly reserved and awkward, somehow; I think that's partly an artifact of the style used—run-on conversation segments, rich internal monologue from Rika—and partly the situation presented. Some of this was at the back of my mind when I promised I would write a KS story set in Africa one day. (Also, I love that Toto song.)

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180319 'The Escape')

Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 8:57 am
by SirKaid
That was an interesting way of doing dialogue. It probably wouldn't work for a longer piece but for a short thing like this it fit rather well.

As for the story it was a nice glimpse into her mind. I like it.

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180319 'The Escape')

Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 12:41 pm
by Mirage_GSM
As an experiment in perspective it works I guess.
As anything more... Not so much.
The story's goal seems to be to get to two girls in their underwear as fast as possible...

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180319 'The Escape')

Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:45 pm
by Oddball
The story's goal seems to be to get to two girls in their underwear as fast as possible...
Not necessarily a bad goal... :wink:

Re: Yamaku Book Club (20180319 'The Escape')

Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:03 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Not necessarily, yes.
But here it seems to be the ONLY goal.
And as soon as it reaches it the story breaks off mid-sentence.

If a H-scene were to follow, it would not necessarily be better, but at least understandable.
If it were a lead-in to developing the characters - in any way really - there would be some purpose.
Heck, if they just continued the fashion show and then went off to dinner it could at least stand as a fun one-shot episode.

As it is it just seems unfinished.