Yamaku Book Club (20200629 Queens of the Land)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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woohootouhou
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200427 Two Flat Jokes)

Post by woohootouhou » Wed Apr 29, 2020 6:36 am

Rookie error is funny, but there's really not much there other than joking about kenjixakira
OMD was pretty short too, but actually pretty good for a gag ending. That's actually how I would imagine misha acting about that situation.
But man, that ending.

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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Three stories!)

Post by Oddball » Mon Jun 08, 2020 5:09 pm

Decided to try something new.
Image

Let me know what you think of the new logo. I'm not attached to it so if anybody wants to mess around and come up with a different one, let me know.

So... on to the stories.

I didn't update at all last month. (I'm a bit behind on my stories too.) If that happens again, I need somebody to poke me with a stick and make sure I'm still alive. To make matters worse, the last two stories I left off with weren't that hot.

To make up for lost time, let's do three stories.

Yes. Three.
I do expect you to read them all and get back to me.

Mutou Gets Fired by Atario.
(Guess what happens in this story. I bet you can't.)

There were Five by Megumeru.

Life doesn't loop like a musicbox tune by Ben KSTF

I'll wait here while you read them.


...


Did you read them yet? Good.

Now here's MY thoughts on the stories.

Mutou gets fired.
Considering the title, this is a surprisingly optimistic story. Still, it feels kinda lacking. A story like this should gives you a better view of the kind of person Mutou is, but I never really got that feeling from it.




There were Five
I've always had a fascination for the supernatural myself, and given the conditions of some of those people at Yamaku, the idea that there would be ghost stories passed along makes a lot of sense to me. It's also not a subject you see brought up in stories very often.
While the cast members themselves didn't stick out much, they carried the story well and you could really feel the enthusiasm and effort they put into their investigation.

There's also a nice little bit of creepiness at the ending.




Life Doesn't loop like a musicbox tune.
The title seems rather clumsy and the sentence structure and style feels off.
Other than that, the story itself is almost pretty good. I actually really like when it focuses on Lilly and her thoughts. It's a nice view of her bad ending from her side. It's the ending of this story that kills it though. It seems like it's going somewhere and ... doesn't. It just stops.
Not Dead Yet

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calcifer
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200427 Two Flat Jokes)

Post by calcifer » Mon Jun 08, 2020 5:33 pm

I like the new logo. It's been a few years since the last one, change is good!

Mutou Gets Fired

Bittersweet, but a bit empty. Perhaps Mutou should have gone to the pub with his mates, it'd have given the author an opportunity to explore his state of mind a bit, with an inner monologue maybe? I got nerd sniped by this bit though:
Though it’s an unaccustomed early hour for it, I catch my usual train, and sit under a heating vent to counter the cold as it carries me ever closer to home.
Heating vents are placed on the floor, not the ceiling, so the warm air can rise. He would have been sitting over the vent.

There were Five

Not interested in supernatural fics, so didn't read this one.

Life doesn't loop like a musicbox tune

It could have been an interesting chapter 1 for a bigger story but it doesn't go anywhere. Meh.
Shizune = Rin > Emi > Hanako > Lilly
FluffandCrunch wrote: Every day is a gift, every hour is golden, every minute is a diamond. Life is wonderful, if you have the courage to live it.

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woohootouhou
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200608 Triple Shot)

Post by woohootouhou » Mon Jun 08, 2020 10:02 pm

Mutou Gets Fired
I liked this one, but that might be just because I like Mutou. I think it's a decent enough backstory, but a bit lacking, yeah. For a under 2000 word story I think there was a bit too much focus on him getting fired and not enough on his actual backstory.

There were Five
I didn't like this one. It kinda just felt like a mediocre slightly spooky story with KS thrown in for no good reason. The ending was cute though, and I liked the way they figured out she was there.

Life Doesn't loop like a musicbox tune
Where's the resolution? It feels like it got cut off not even halfway through. More of a prologue than a standalone story

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brythain
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200608 Triple Shot)

Post by brythain » Tue Jun 09, 2020 12:26 am

Mutou Gets Fired seemed like a nice but too-easy one-shot for me. That year, I had written 'Pavane', so MGF (especially since it wasn't posted properly on the forum) seemed thin.

There Were Five was okay. I used an idea in it when considering the non-Euclidean geometry of the room in the basement which Oddball will remember from a certain unreliable narrative experience. Megumeru always had interesting ideas, but his horror-Shizune one is still best—and it's not this one, it's 'The Haunting', still as yet incomplete.

Life Doesn't Loop… is better than my own Lilly airplane scene, I have to say. But that's all it is, the airplane scene.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (Queens of the Land)

Post by Oddball » Wed Jun 24, 2020 1:29 pm

Image

I'm going to try to make an effort to not loose track and have more consistent updates from here on.
Ideally, you're going to be looking at a new story (or two, or three) every other week, give or take a day or so depending on how my days off line up.

We'll see how long that lasts.

(and I am sticking with the new banner.)

Queens of the Land by SilentCook.

Here we have a pre-release story with a confrontation between Shizune and Lilly with Misha stuck in the middle.

It's interesting for a number of reasons. It doesn't play either to really be in the right and features a slightly skewed version of the characters we're used to.

This story dates back to when Lilly was going to be musically inclined before that idea was dropped. She's also far more willing to throw her money around in this story (again her being super rich was an earlier concept.)

Shizune seems far more petty and willing to act out of spite. In fact, they both seem more aggressive than usual. i suppose that's what helps make it all the more interesting when they're forced to work together.
Not Dead Yet

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brythain
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200629 Queens of the Land)

Post by brythain » Wed Jun 24, 2020 1:48 pm

I love this story. It has a lot of character, and it was very helpful to me when I first started out writing my own stuff. You learn how they communicate, and how they might interact; even though this is not their final canonical relationship, it is a good read with only minor infelicities of language. I enjoyed it then, and enjoy it still.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
"Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)

LordDarknus
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200629 Queens of the Land) - I don't get the wordplay

Post by LordDarknus » Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:53 pm

Nice new banner, Oddball. I like it.
Oddball wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 1:29 pm
Queens of the Land by SilentCook.

---------------
https://youtube.com/watch?v=VG68oCZ0obI

The electric string quartet begins playing... With Lilly Satou as the cellist, and guiding the other three students, who are actually deaf or hard of hearing.

The audience watches in awed silence, as Satou subtly guides their playing, by facing specifically at one or more of them when she hears a problem, then tilting her head left or right to mean 'faster' or 'slower', or up or down for 'softer' or 'harder', respectively.

Shicchan, standing nearby offstage, stares intently at the audience, studying their delighted and amazed expressions.

I wonder if Shicchan likes feeling the vibrations from the speakers, as I sit in the dark corner, alone, watching Shicchan stand incredibly still, most likely focusing all her attention on trying to understand what the audience is experiencing as they listen to the beautiful music.

'Hello Misha, my old friend,' someone quietly says as he takes a seat beside me. 'I've come to talk with you again.'

'Hello, LordDarknus-san,' I greet him back, quietly.

'So... what did you think of 'Queens of the Land'?'

'I don't know, I was asleep. What do you think of 'The Sound of Silence', 'Darknus~'?'

'Umm, well, I think it's about someone who 'talks to darkness' by wondering deeply about his visions.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah, his 'restless dreams', in a town Ebenezer Scrooge might like, are about people descending into materialism, blinding themselves from compassion, and systemically exploiting the less fortunate.'

'I thought it was just about people being bad at talking to each other.'

'Yeah, I guess that works too. Speaking of which, Lilly and Shizune managing to 'talk' to each other, for the first time too, to try and escape together, makes for a pretty good read!'

'Not so loud.'

'Sorry. These earlier versions of their characters are also pretty interesting. Lilly seems to be just as childish as Shizune, and Shizune seems to be much more mischievous. And Misha - err, you - seem a lot less... 'cartoony'? I guess? While still managing to be just as funny, as far as I can tell.'

'Thanks?'

'Their inner thoughts are nicely conveyed too, as they navigate obstacles and end up having to trust one another, though still clearly hating each other, making for some hilarious moments.'

'Silentcook is very good.'

'Yes, he is. The comedy revolves around the characters and their personalities, and he did an excellent job writing them - err, you, Lilly, and Shizune - and made the story flow naturally from start to finish.'

'Anything else?'

'Hmm... I'm not sure why Shizune didn't notice the same stairs that Mish- that you used to get down? Was it that dark?'

'Maybe she was really angry at Satou at the time?'

'I guess that must be why... in any case, I'm glad Shizune agreed to this whole public classical music event in the end.'

'Yeah, and Satou practised really hard with her quartet too.'

And they finish their performance just as I say it. After a moment, the entire audience applauds thunderously, thoroughly impressing Shicchan.

Satou and her quartet look exhausted, but relieved and satisfied as they bow, and then leave the stage with their instruments.

As they make their way backstage, Shicchan walks up to Satou, and taps her hand.

With a smile, Satou holds out a hand, and politely accepts Shicchan's handshake.

And the sound of silence between them, for this one moment at least, is banished.

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woohootouhou
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20200629 Queens of the Land)

Post by woohootouhou » Tue Jun 30, 2020 6:11 am

A really great short story. Silentcook does a great job of making each characters inner dialogue different, even before their disability is taken into account. Obviously the characters act a bit different than they do in works post release, and in the actual game, but the whole story is still totally plausible after the personality changes. Very satisfying ending, too.

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