Yamaku Book Club (20191111 Two Old & Colourful Pieces)

WORDS WORDS WORDS
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Feurox
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20191007 A reply to Iwanako)

Post by Feurox » Fri Oct 04, 2019 6:48 pm

It's a nice short piece. But I definitely prefer 'Hello' by BlackWaltzTheThird. Still, quite nice.

ProfAllister
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20191007 A reply to Iwanako)

Post by ProfAllister » Sat Oct 05, 2019 8:31 am

Honestly, what I find most interesting out of the highlighted entry is brythain's comments on the "rules" of Japanese letter writing.

I'd like to second Feurox's comment with the add-on of the fic that his link links to: Courtesy of Doomish

From there, it would actually be interesting to look at the several letters to Iwanako across writers.

BlackWaltzTheThird
Doomish
My Own Humble Submission
Downix

I'm certain there are plenty of others out there, but their location escapes me.
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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (A KS Supernatural/Horror Fic)

Post by Oddball » Thu Oct 24, 2019 12:44 pm

Image

It's Halloween season, so let's read a Halloween type story!


Inkyukasu - A KS Supernatural/Horror Fic by Bricktycoon.

Sometimes we read complete stories. This time we read the start of a story that was never continued. ... Unless of course that WAS intended to be the end of it. If that's the case, it needs work.

I think sometimes it's just as important to take a look at ideas and stories that have never taken off. Sometimes they can inspire the imagination of other writers.

I really do like the idea of a horror story being told from the point of view of a blind character. What the monster had to say to Lilly did seem a bit too on the nose though.


Also, a few words on the title.

I had to look up what a Inkyukasu was. It seems to be an incubus (male version of a succubus) but there was so few results for this that google listed this story as one of the top results. (Bing's search gave me a lot of results for gay men keeping secrets.) Either way, I'm not quite sure why that was the monster chosen for this.

One last thing, never use the word "Fic" in your story title. "Story" or "Tale" serves the same purpose and sounds so much classier.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20191021 Inkyukasu—A Horror Fic)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Oct 31, 2019 11:03 am

Yeah, the descriptions from the perspective of a blind person were done quite well, but with just that one scene the story does not have much purpose.
As it is, it's just an attempt to shock, and as such it doesn't even work all that well. I'm not sure if there was no larger plan behind it, or if the story was abandoned for some other reason.
Last edited by Mirage_GSM on Wed Nov 06, 2019 12:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20191021 Inkyukasu—A Horror Fic)

Post by Craftyatom » Wed Nov 06, 2019 1:46 am

A Reply to Iwanako
As a story, I kind of enjoyed this one.  I mean, there's not much there to discuss, but I think it was good, overall.  The characterization seemed a bit stilted - to me, it was the second paragraph that didn't seem to match Hisao's style - but really, his writing style could be very different from his speaking and thinking styles.  We get the sense that he's not a huge fan of writing letters, so maybe this is just the best he can do.  Some of it is probably down to the writer's inexperience, though; especially the SpaG, which had a high density of problems.

I did wonder whether this would give me some ideas, since one of my stories has Hisao writing a reply fairly soon, but I think I'll be going for a different style.

Inkyukasu
I really like the opening.  The author does a great job capturing the feeling from the associated scene in-game (though I'll admit the 'I wasn't aiming for his cheek' part is a bit of a stretch).  The entire atmosphere is actually really nice for that first section.

The language for the rest of the story is compelling, and quite well-written.  Lilly's reaction is a bit strong in places, but one can see how it might be.  The entire sequence is a bit confusing, with very little information given to the reader, but that's likely a stylistic choice - the protagonist is also completely clueless about what's going on - rather than an error in storytelling.

Now, obviously the story sort of ends in the middle of things.  I think this is a valid way to end a short story, especially self-described "horror", a genre which often does away with both exposition and cleanup.  However, I do think the ending was a bit jarring, and might've been a better read with more words (which were somewhat implied to be forthcoming by the usage of a chapter title).  In particular, I think this would be the perfect buildup to it all being a dream.  Lilly wakes up in a cold sweat with a pounding headache, haunted by nightmares that tell her what she already knows, but can't bear to tell her friends: that her days in Japan are numbered.  Obviously not really a horror story, but it could be an excellent story about her perspective on the whole thing.

Oh, and just to be pedantic...
Bricktycoon wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 8:03 pm
All of Lilly's neurons fired at once from the break in tension.
There's a name for this: epileptic seizure.  It's kind of like setting every single bit in your computer to a 1 - you'd get a lot of very strange errors, and then need to reboot.  Neuronal language is useful in emotional storytelling, but takes a bit of neurology.  Just saying.
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Oddball
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (two different stories)

Post by Oddball » Mon Nov 11, 2019 11:42 pm

We're going to look at TWO stories this time. Because I feel like it. Maybe I just have party on my mind. Both are really short. Both are really old.



Image

Yamakus' Annual Sweet Rave Party by SnigendePind .

Because sometimes we need to look at bad ideas too.

This is one of them. It's completely over the top, unrealistic, and ... pretty stupid. However it still feel like it's lacking something that would really take it over the top to the point where it works as parody.


and

Costume Day by chaix.

This one works much better although that's not saying much. I do like the idea of Yamaku having a costume days. Some of the character work was fun. The costume choices don't quite work as well for me, as they seem more "author's choice" a less what the characters themselves would pick.
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brythain
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Re: Yamaku Book Club (20191111 Two Old & Colourful Pieces)

Post by brythain » Tue Nov 12, 2019 5:49 am

These were entertaining. I didn't immediately remember reading them even though I think I read through the entire corpus as it existed back in 2014.

I think they made little impression because they made so little attempt to be canonical while still having some fun of their own.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end.
Main Index (Complete)Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/AkiraHideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of SuzuSakura—The Kenji Saga.
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