Forever Dreaming

[EleanorThomson]

And while you're at it, you can make her Japanese - except if you want to make her insufficient language skills a plot point...

Are you a mind reader? Actually, she does have a moderate amount of practice in the Japanese language. I won't give any spoilers, so you'll have to wait and see!

...Here's one way for a [Half-]Japanese character to have insufficient language skills... Make her businessman father work for a Japanese auto manufacturer...

That's a pretty good idea, i'll keep that in mind for later. But right now her father is not really meaningful in the story.

[Numb]

An OC that isn't a romantic focus, but is the main character. Interesting concept... I'll say what you've already stated in your opening, your English could use a little work, but as somebody who hates dampening creativity of any form, just keep at it. I said this earlier tonight in CraftyAtom's Miki route, but don't feel obligated to post something as soon as you finish it. Just make a clear separation marker between chapters, and continue writing until you either finish the next few chapters and are happy with where the story is going, or you find yourself stuck in a corner with the only way out being a large edit.

Other than that, proofread and watch your punctuation. I read a little bit of this as a taster, and noticed you have a few randomly inserted capitals and unneeded commas. I won't lecture you on general grammar though, since English isn't your first language and you still seem to be learning.

[EleanorThomson]

Thank you, Numb. I really appreciate your thoughts! I'm doing my best here to make chapter 2 a better text to read than chapter 1, in every way possible. Until then, i hope you guys have fun.

P.S: I'll probably be done with it tomorrow. It'll be three times longer than the previous chapter, English and punctuation errors will be kept to a minimum, and overall, it's just better than the first. I hope it's worth the wait!

[Oddball]

There's a LOT of missed capitalization you might want to go back and fix.

Also, ditch the character bio. If it's important it should be included in the main story. If it's not important, we don't need to know it anyway.

As for your character, they way you write gives me the impression that she's a bit of a rambling motormouth, which could be interesting. I know you've already been warned, but I'm going to go ahead and say it too. I've never seen a single story where the main character was a foreigner who became disabled and immediately went to Yamaku. Just straight up making her Japanese would work a lot easier. At the very least, have her living in Japan for a while before the accident.

Another thing I'm going to say in advance. DON'T. I repeat DO NOT have your character show up after the school year has already started, late on her first day, and then meeting her teacher in the lobby. That was Hisao's intro. It's been done. Do something else.

[EleanorThomson]

There's a LOT of missed capitalization you might want to go back and fix.

Fixed!

Also, ditch the character bio. If it's important it should be included in the main story. If it's not important, we don't need to know it anyway.

Good point. I ditched her backstory, But i'm gonna let her stats stay just so you guys can have an idea of what she looks like. Besides that, Fixed!

As for your character, they way you write gives me the impression that she's a bit of a rambling motormouth, which could be interesting.

I'm trying to write her with a ''innocent smart ass'' personality. She's the kind of girl that doesn't know what to say in certain situations, so she uses a bit of black humor to make things less awkward... and it doesn't work.

I know you've already been warned, but I'm going to go ahead and say it too. I've never seen a single story where the main character was a foreigner who became disabled and immediately went to Yamaku. Just straight up making her Japanese would work a lot easier. At the very least, have her living in Japan for a while before the accident.

I believe i got that covered, and i'm happy to see i'm the first one to come up with that. As soon as chapter two comes out, you'll see!

Another thing I'm going to say in advance. DON'T. I repeat DO NOT have your character show up after the school year has already started, late on her first day, and then meeting her teacher in the lobby. That was Hisao's intro. It's been done. Do something else.

Um, thanks for the warning, but i really didn't think about that in any way. She's gonna have an introduction of her own, and it would be really stupid of my part to copy and paste everything, since Hisao himself is gonna be in the story.

Thank you for taking your time to read my work in progress, I hope you like what's coming up next!

[EleanorThomson]

Act Zero - The World As We Know It (part 2)


I wake up from a bad dream; feeling relieved that it's finally over and that I am awake. I cannot remember all of it, but I assume that is for the best. I think about how my day is going to be, going to school, talking to my friends, maybe going out with one of them, but then I realize that something is strange.

This is not my room.

The walls are painted green, and the floor is white. There is no other decoration in this room besides this bed, a small table on the corner, with a single chair close to it, and an old TV hanging from the ceiling. The bed that I am currently in is something you would see from a hospital, and to top it all off, I just notice that there is a bunch of medical equipment all around me, including a tube going down my throat. I am feeling very tired, and I almost feel like sleeping again, to top it all off, I cannot move at all.

This is awful, I never thought I would see myself in a situation like this, trapped on the bed with nowhere to go. This is possibly my worst nightmare becoming true.

I finally see what is going on; that was not a dream, it was real.

I try to scream of agony, to let someone know that I am alive, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Looks like my body is not responding to my brain anymore, I wonder how long it'll take me to return to normal, if I will ever be normal again. I suppose there is nothing I can do right now, but wait for someone to come check me, and hope they notice my eyes are open.

With nothing else to do and without any company but my own, I try to think about everything that is happening. From the looks of it i had a car accident, maybe my mom is still alive? I hope so. But even then, I've got a lot of questions and so far nobody's here to answer. I might as well try to get used to my body again one small step at a time. I try to twitch my index finger.

...

Nothing significant, but it's a start. Now to give my foot a try.

...

No response. Honestly, I am scared; will I ever get to walk again? Maybe I am exaggerating but still; I am worried.

After what feels like an eternity a nurse finally comes to check me. Heh, I cannot wait to see her reaction. I remember when I was younger, I always tried to give my mom a jump scare, but I never succeeded. I always thought that she was just fearless and in the end I just looked up for her because of that. It turns out that small kids aren't scary, and I found out the hard way. She checks my pulse and then some of the equipment that is maybe keeping me alive, I have no idea how bad my situation is. Still, I want to get out of here, I want to jump around and run like a normal person can, but maybe that is too late for me. We will see; I give up on scaring her, it's not like I could do much anyway, even if it is just for a few giggles.

I keep looking at her with my eyes open as much I possibly can right now, and she finally notices how i'm looking her straight in the eye, i hope i did not scare her off.

''My god!''

That's what I am talking about! and not long after that, she calls a doctor to see if she is not being paranoid.

He confirms that I am truly awake, and now takes a chair from the nearby table to sit right next to me.

''Hello, Miss Kido. I am glad to see that you are awake, please try to stay calm. You've been unconscious for quite some time, so we had to use some machinery to keep you alive. We'll take these things off of you in no time, until then hang in there. You may have noticed that you might not have full control of your body yet, too.''

Well, at least I can't feel that thing in my throat. Yet.

I try to raise my voice up, but it's no use. Right now I am as useful as a paperweight. I hope he noticed that, and keep up with whatever he is about to explain.

''...I'm afraid I will have to give you some bad news, you've been in a coma for about eight months. It's rare to see someone come out of a car crash like that alive, and it's a miracle to see that you are even awake. You are really lucky.''

Well, he certainly knows how to keep himself positive besides all the negative things he just said. It's so frustrating to not be able to talk, now I miss my lame jokes.

''I'm sorry that i'm the one that has to tell you this but, you're the only one who survived the accident. For a while, we thought that you'd be lost too, and looks like we were wrong. But now i suppose that you want to know what's wrong with you?''

Mom...

I just blink my eyes twice, maybe he gets the idea.

''Well, after being in a coma for so long, all of your muscles are a bit ''rusty'' so to speak. Or atrophied, if you prefer the name. Your arm was broken, and you broke a couple of ribs, but it's all sorted out right now. Your only problem now is to get your brain in ''sync'' with your body once again, i'm sorry to say this, but in your case that could take years. We may start out your treatment as quick as possible, if you want.''

Whatever he's saying sounds like gibberish to me. I just heard now that my mother is dead, and he expects me to give a damn about myself? I'm already exhausted.
Maybe I should get back to sleep, but i'm afraid that i might get into another coma, and who knows, lose another year of my life. There's one thing I noticed though. He has a heavy accent, and had a little trouble speaking English, not a second ago. But i can't see anything specific--

Oh, he's Asian.

Now this could mean only two things. Maybe the Hospital is out of doctors and decided to employ a guy that has difficulty speaking the language of our country, or...

I'm in Japan. And that can only mean two things too. Maybe I have something valuable in my genes, and they kidnapped me to steal it. Or... my father sent me here.

For a second, I think that being kidnapped was the best option. I don't want to see my father after all these years. He broke up with my mom when I was five years old and went back to Japan, leaving us both alone in Boston. My mother said there were no hard feelings between them, and while she had to work on two jobs just so she could give us both a decent life, he never helped us. Not even once. What the hell is he thinking by bringing me here? He only cared about us after she had to die? asshole.

The doctor noticed how I got lost in my thought, maybe because I kept looking to the ceiling; I have a habit of doing that when I think ahead of things. He coughs to get my attention back.

''Anyway Miss Kido, your father will be happy to see that you're awake. As a matter of fact, it took him a lot of efforts just to get you here. Also, you should know that you're not in Boston anymore. Welcome to Japan!''

I give him an uninterested look, as much as I possibly can anyway, I can't even feel my eyebrows.

''To be more specific, we're in the city of Sendai, capital of the Miyagi Prefecture.''

Still not interested, although I do laugh internally at his enthusiasm.

''I've seen you school files. From what I could see you've spent four years on your school's Japanese club. I suppose that you must be comfortable with the Japanese language, right?''

I never really thought about it, but I do watch a ton of anime without subtitles. Perhaps i'm good at something that i didn't even pay attention.

''Do you mind if I try it out on you? I hate to admit it, but speaking English makes me very nervous. All right, i'm going to say a sentence, blink once if you don't understand, blink twice if you do. Ready?''

I'm as ready as i'll ever be, you doofus.

And so he speaks.

''あなたは私に理解していますか？''

I'm caught slightly off guard. And I make an effort to remember some of my Japanese experiences. Come on Ellen, come on. It's not so hard, and you didn't hit your head!It takes me about a second or two to make sense of these words.

<Do you understand me?>

I blink thrice.

<...What's that supposed to mean?>

I give him a sarcastic wink.

<Oh! I see. You've got quite a sense of humor for someone who just woke up.>

For his sake, I hope that wasn't an insult. However, it seems like I just had trouble at my first time trying to make sense of Japanese again, now it looks so much easier. Seems like my knowledge is back. As much fun as I had talking to the doctor, I want to be alone for now to think about how my life took this unexpected turn of events around the world, literally. He just keeps talking.

<Excellent news! not only are you awake, it seems like you still have a grip of your memories; this is very rare you know. When my last comatose patient woke up, he couldn't even keep himself conscious!>

...Is that supposed to make me feel better? If it was, it's not working. He must be new in this job.

<Mr. Satoshi Kido will love these news! I'm going to leave now, Ms. Kido. I'll give your father a call. Nurse? can you keep her company?>

It's the same nurse from before.

<Yes, doctor.>

She looks like she's new here, if I say so myself. She's not very tall and appears quite uncomfortable on that generic hospital gown. She makes me laugh, not a ''evil'' laugh or anything like that, but laugh off the fact that even though she doesn't like that gown, she's forced to wear it inside the hospital. Oh, how cruel is life?

<Hello there, Ms. Kido. My name is Saori Sabaraki. I'm pleased to see that you're awake and well!>

If I could say ''Nice to meet you too!'' I would, but you know how things are. I wonder if they're just making me company and not leaving me alone because of what I might think. I haven't thought about my mother's death so far, because these two aren't giving even a second of silence to let me concentrate. I feel like I owe them a favor. As much as I love her, and how much i'll miss her, i can't drown in negative emotions right now, that would only make me worse.

Saori picks up a hand mirror that was laying on top of the table, and it looks like she wants me to take a look at my reflection. I suppose i'm curious to see how much i've changed in eight months, and how much this hospital has affected my appearance.

...Looks like they cut my hair. I never cared about it too much, and it was never too big anyway, it kind of looks like I just got into a military camp. Awesome.
I got a little thinner, and after all this time without moving a single muscle, I can see the logic behind that. There's one thing that gets my attention, though. There's a single, small scar between my eyebrows. I must've got that when I hit my head on the accident. I always wanted a hollywood type of scar, and looks like that's it. I see a tube, connected to a machine on beside my bed, that goes deep in my throat. I've studied them on my science class, it's a medical ventilator... I can't say I look forward to taking this thing off.

I blink to Saori, and hopefully she understands that i'm done for now. I haven't changed that much, i'm still me. It still takes her some time to leave my room, but I really appreciated how she just stood here with me, She has a great talent for being a nurse. Now that everything is calmed down, I take a mental sigh and relax my body. Falling asleep afterwards.


----------


It's been two weeks since I woke up.

I finally managed to breathe on my own again, and we took that tube off my throat. I was right about not looking forward to that. I can partially control my hand fingers, and with some effort, I can even speak a little, but no big words. Hell, I feel an uncontrollable stammer even with short words like ''Hi'' or ''Hello''. The doctor said that if we keep doing progress like this, I may be able to walk away from here in four months. i'll need to use crutches for that, but it's a start.

Yesterday i managed to ask Saori what happened to me, she said there was no way they could know anything about that, she suggested me to ask my father. At the very least, we'll have something to talk about. Despite all of that, my father finally managed to take his time from work to come visit me. In times like this I would say ''better late than never'' if it were for anyone else, but for him? I don't know. I have a feeling that this is gonna be pretty awkward, or worse.

Someone knocks at my door. I'm already accustomed to the sound of the doctor and Saori's knocking, so that just further confirms it's him. And then he gets in.

I haven't seen my father in thirteen years.

Yet, from what little I can remember, he looks just the same, Bald, average height, looks a bit chubby. I laugh internally at that thought. besides wearing a nice looking suit and some expensive glasses, he tries to look quite casual. It almost looks like there's nothing in common between us, some guideline that could tell that i'm definitely his daughter. He walks slowly towards me, but doesn't take a chair to sit or anything, maybe he likes to stand still like an idiot.

''I am glad to see you're awake, Ellen.''

I just nod.

''I feel terrible for everything that happened for you and your mother.''

I don't buy it, not by a longshot. This bastard takes his sweet time to visit me after i've been ''dead'' for eight months, left us both in America because of his stupid greed, brought me to a different country, and only gives a damn about me now because my mother died? I would say that this is the most he did to me my entire life.

''Do you want to know what happened?''

I say my first word to him, after all these years, with a bit of effort.

''Y-Ye-es.''

Maybe he feels sad to see me like this, but right now it doesn't matter. I just want to know every single detail, who was driving the black car, his reasons for doing that and so on. My father is the only one who could know all of that.

''While you were in your coma, i've contacted a friend of mine who lived near Boston. He's a private investigator, so I told him to dig into this case deeper than the police. The name of the man that caused the accident is Travis Doyle, he was twenty-eight years old, single, and lost his job the night before the accident. He tried to drown himself on his own self-pity by drinking like a mad man; then he was kicked out of the bar, drove for a few minutes and crashed into your mother's car. My sources say that he got divorced from his wife not a week earlier than that. He died instantly from the crash.''

Truth be told, I feel sorry for that bastard. He may have taken my mother away from me, but I can't feel anything but sorry for him. He was just a sad man with a sad life, with no expectations for his future, that happened to have a really bad day. I can't hate someone who already hated themselves. And even if I did, what would I do? stay here in this hospital for four months while thinking of nothing but hate? i'm not like that.

''A-And.. my M-Mom?''

He looks to the ground, thinking about what he should say. It almost seems hard for him.

''She... made it to the hospital, but couldn't resist her injuries. She passed away at an operating table.''

Now i think why the hell i asked that in the first place. It's like i wanted more reasons to be sad. I'm grateful that someone finally told me this, despite it being hard to hear. Even if it had to be him to give me the information.

''I wish I could stay with you for the whole day, but the office needs me. I'll come back as soon as I can, all right? I'll call the nurse.''

He leaves my room quickly, without even looking back.

That was worse than awkward.

Our first conversation in years and the subject had to be that. I hope that the next time, if there even is a next time, things won't go south like that. I don't mind him, and he certainly doesn't mind me either. I still have a long road to go, one small step at a time, to return my body to how it previously was.

It's going to be hard, but at least I have Saori here to keep me company. I look forward to getting out of here, no matter how long it takes.


----------


That's all, Folks! I have to say, it took me an entire day to write this. So now that this part is done with, I'll see you guys next Monday!
Thoughts? Suggestions? Any criticism? Give your comments below, and i'll be happy to hear whatever you have in your mind.

[Mirage_GSM]

''あなたは私を理解していますか？''

Is that something that google translate created? Because it seems way too formal for normal conversation.
Also, I'm not 100% certain, but I'd use に instead of を there.

I see a tube, connected to a machine on beside my bed, that goes deep in my throat.

What? They left that in when she woke up?

who were driving the black car

"who was driving"

She told me...

How would the nurse know all that?
Still some haphazard capitalization - or lack thereof - but better than the firt part.

[Hotkey]

I had the same reservations others mentioned at first, but your positive attitude is winning me over!

The second chapter is a noticeable improvement on the previous one, but there are still some issues with 'I' or the beginning of sentences not being capitalised. In general, I think you'll be fine, although an editor would be good for you (not much point doing the editing in the thread after you've posted the story).

[EleanorThomson]

Is that something that google translate created? Because it seems way too formal for normal conversation.
Also, I'm not 100% certain, but I'd use に instead of を there.

Indeed it is, thank you for pointing that out! Fixed!

What? They left that in when she woke up?

Fixed, added a reason why they couldn't take it off immediately.

"who was driving"

Oh, silly me. I guess just one typo won't hurt. Fixed!

How would the nurse know all that?

Again, added a reason why she would know all of that. Fixed!

I had the same reservations others mentioned at first, but your positive attitude is winning me over!

Aww, you're making me blush. Thank you!

The second chapter is a noticeable improvement on the previous one, but there are still some issues with 'I' or the beginning of sentences not being capitalised.

I really hope so, it took me a whole day to write this! But anyway, i fixed a lot of the issues, thank you for pointing that out!


P.S: I don't know why, but i feel like a big game developer updating their game after a beta with the community's help, and that feels awesome!
But anyway, i'm gonna take my time to write part 3 to be even better. Part 1 has 1300 words, part 2 has 3170, and the next chapter will have about 4-5k, it will have more of every good example and all of the notes you guys gave me. I hope my story sounds convincing for you all, she's gonna have a hard time to recover, but I'll show her struggle as best as i can. Also i'd like to thank you all again for your support, and i'll see you soon!

[Mirage_GSM]

How would the nurse know all that?

Again, added a reason why she would know all of that. Fixed!

Okay, let me rephrase that question:
Why would all the information be in her medical file in a hospital in Japan?
If her father hired a PI in the US to find out all those details, why would he tell the hospital? And why would they put it into her file, even if he did. It has nothing to do with her medical condition.
If you absolutely want to include all this information - it's not really neccessary - the only plausible source would be her father himself. Maybe a policeman, if one could be bothered to fly over to Japan to question her about an accident more than a year ago that apparently has no unclear details...

[EleanorThomson]

Why would all the information be in her medical file in a hospital in Japan?

Hm, you're right, good point. I'm going to take a minute to rephrase the whole thing. Thank you!

EDIT: Everything is fixed, i took the time to add new information too, thanks again for the heads up.