Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 05/10/14

[Yoyofatboy]

So this is kinda my first attempt at writing a fanfiction. I've been a long time lurker on these forums, and have just recently created an account to share my opinions on matters. This story or whatever you want to call it is an ongoing route of its own, with only little interaction with the main game, though the setting is the same. This first post will consist of my opening, and a little bit of mumbo-jumbo. It begins sorta after Act 1 of the canon game, so some references will be familiar. Yes, I want criticism. I plan on continuing this route for a while.
Soooooooo without further ado, here.


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Act 1 - Learn to Fly

A loud and way too familiar alarm clock awakes my mind in what feels like too early in the morning. A glance at the time denies what hopes I had for any extra sleep. It takes a moment for my mind to fully come back to me. My name is Gage Anderson... Ok, so I've got that, what else? I am a student at Yamaku Academy, enrolled for...for social anxiety and depression. There. I said it. Or at least thought it. Admitting to the truth gives me just enough power to get through my morning routine and head out of my dorm room to the school.

Class 3-3. I timidly enter into the classroom and take my seat near the back right corner. I'm early, and only a few students have entered the classroom. I take the free time I have to try and remember what Mutou has been teaching yesterday.

...

Ok, what about what he has been teaching for the past week, maybe?

...

Frick. Maybe I should start paying attention in class.

The time comes closer for school to begin, and I feel like nobody is here. Well, nobody who matters...

I turn to my right to gaze upon the empty seat. The only person I truly care about enters in promptly five minutes late almost everyday.

Her name is Hanako. Hanako Ikezawa. She is by far the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has so much in common with me, I could just see it. Her personality is near the same as mine, and I'm pretty sure we suffer from the same disorder. The saying "opposites attract" doesn't seem applicable in this situation, nor do I want it to be.

As to summon me from my endless reverie, she steps into class, only slightly tardy. She holds her head low as she makes her way to the desk next to mine. It seems like she has a sixth sense of knowing when people are staring at her. I catch myself before she notices (hopefully), and try to push the thoughts of her out of my mind. School comes first, right?

...

Pfft, that's a lie, but I have to at least try and pay attention. The last test we had was seemingly more difficult than the others... Or maybe it was because... She was absent that day.



I look over to the clock to see how long I lasted before drifting off into my thoughts. Good. Long enough to make it through the morning classes. The lunch bell should ring in three...two...one................a half..........................a quarter......................

The bell rings right on cue. I pack up my things weighing the options for lunch. I could go for a trip to the library, but I'm a bit hungry.

I settle for grabbing a small boxed lunch from the line after a wait that felt like an hour. I pass through the crowds in the cafeteria and make my way out to the school garden. It's quite a walk for just eating lunch, but it's become my spot.

The birds chirp back and forth, vigorously communicating to one another. Finishing up the miniscule sized lunch I picked up, I stare up into the sky, and drift off into my usual stupor...




The bell signaling the end of lunch awakens my thought process. I'm late....I think? I get up from my spot and head towards the school building, analyzing my time frame.

Nah, I'm not late... Kinda.

I enter the classroom, not early, but not necessarily on-time either. The teacher isn't here yet, as usual, and I slip to the back corner to my desk. Hanako isn't here yet. It's kinda normal for her, but I notice something unusual that makes my blood boil. The new guy isn't here yet either. My mind begins to race at the fact that another man is with my Hanako.

During my internal struggles with my mind versus reality, the door opens to reveal, indeed, Hisao and...... I close my eyes and drop my head to its usual in-school position. I guess I'm too late. The new kid has now marked his territory.

The rest of class goes by and I didn't move a muscle.



I head out of the classroom without even glancing at Hanako. Well, it's not like we even talk, or really acknowledge each other outside of my mind, but we do have one form of communication. Since we have almost exactly the same taste in books, Yuuko set up a kind of recommendation system between Hanako and I. Every time I visit, there's always another book lined up for me, from Hanako. I try to keep up my end, but I don't visit the library or read as often as she does.

Before I even notice what I'm doing, I'm already entering the library. I don't really feel like reading, so I'll more than likely just pick out a book and.... A familiar face sits in the back corner on her bean bag. She's absorbed in her book, so she doesn't notice me... I think. Anyway, I quietly walk my way over to the counter.

"Hey, Yuuko."

As the words leave my lips, I wince reflexively. Barely a half second afterward, I hear a loud thumping sound, followed by a string of pained cries.

"Ow, ow, ouch...!" Yuuko's airy voice barely carries far enough for me to hear.

This happens almost every time I come down here, which makes me wonder how many times she hits her head every day. It's probably a lot more than she'll ever admit, which might explain why she seems to exist in a perpetual state of being frazzled, though I'm not sure which one causes the other. Standing somewhat upright, she winces painfully and rubs the sore spot on her head as she turns toward me.

"Oh, hello Gage! Are you here to return a book or check out a book or look at a book or..."

"Umm, I-I'll just.. Umm did she leave a new book for me?" I ask, even though I already know the answer.

"Yes, indeed! Here." She reaches down and pulls out a familiar book, 'Of Mice and Men'. I've already read it, but it was good enough for another read.

"Thank you. I-I..." I stuttered evaluating whether or not I should stay and find another book or head out now. Meh. "I'll just take this one."

"Sure. Let me just check you out."

Check me out, eh? I don't know if you'll really enjoy what you're-oh. You mean the book... Yea, that makes more sense.

She attempts to scan the book into the system. Third time's a charm I guess. I glance over to the spot where Hanako always sits. She is indeed still there. The way that she slumps over, engrossed in her book seems so fitting of her. It's like she was made to read books forever. Apparently I've been staring for too long, as she looks up from her book and notices my gaze. I quickly avert my eyes to the isles by the counter. Smooth. Now you look like a real creeper.

"Uhm, here's you book. It'll be due uhh-n-next Friday!"

I nod, accompanied by my perfected fake smile. I take the book from her extended hand, and leave the library.

Most of the students that inhabit this school have wandered off to their respective places. Have it be club, or... Or what? There is hardly anything to do at this school. I guess that is the fault of this being a 'Disabled' school, so I can't complain. Besides, I have my trusty computer to keep me busy. Even though the Internet connection here is by far the worst I've ever seen in my life, I can get by with my singleplayer games. It's what I've done my whole life.

I make it to the Boy's Dormitory building seemingly before anyone else. I guess everyone besides me is involved with something at school. Maybe I'm the only one who is constantly bored out of my mind.

The entire building is silent inside. Silence is my greatest companion. I've come to the conclusion that silence is more welcoming than noise. Peace overwhelms my body when I'm alone, and I feel comfortable. The doctor that sent me to this stupid school told me I had that feeling because I was a full-blown 'Introvert'. 'Dunno what that means, but he said that it wasn't a good thing. He also mentioned that isolating myself from the people around me was a bad thing as well. I guess they let anyone become a doctor nowadays.

My room is the last door of the right wing on the first floor. It feels like the administrators of the dorms meant to put me this far away from everyone else. Or maybe I'm looking to far into it. I have a really bad habit of doing that.

I open the door of my room to be greeted by the usual sights and smells that lie in my fortress of solitude. Bare walls, near empty bookshelf, unmade bed, and the heart of my free-time: my computer. I toss my bag of uselessness onto my bed and pull out my office chair to begin staring at my computer screen. Yep. Just staring. Not playing games or browsing the Web (although attempts are made to summon the energy rested in my body to do so), just staring at the blank monitor, waiting for the time to pass.

My life is a very uneventful one, and this is how I spend everyday at this school. This is how... I slowly die...

Next>

[bhtooefr]

Gage Anderson

There better be a good backstory for using such a name for your OC. You know, it is possible to write self-insert and still change elements of the character to fit the setting. (I may or may not have done this in the past with Hanako (literally, I once wrote things that actually happened to me, just swapping genders and a few peripheral details around, to make it fit Hanako), although what I write now, she's definitely an independent character in my mind from myself, but I can generally follow her thought processes quite closely.)

I am a student at Yamaku Academy, enrolled for...for social anxiety and depression.

Yamaku doesn't accept students with mental conditions. We all know that's not the whole story, and they have mental health resources available, but Hanako, Kenji, and Rin are enrolled for their physical disabilities, not their mental ones. And, yes, I know full well that Hanako's physical condition isn't actually debilitating at all, and that Hanako makes extensive use of their mental health resources. Still, she's officially enrolled due to her scars. I'd imagine that they knew full well that her mental health was her real disability, but she did have extenuating circumstances (partially that a school for the physically disabled, rather than mentally disabled, would be the best place for her to heal, because it'd mean that she wouldn't be a pariah based on appearance, whereas in a mental health school, she almost certainly would be). Kenji's probably a simple case of slipping through the cracks. Not sure about Rin.

The saying "opposites attract" doesn't seem applicant in this situation

I believe applicable is the word you were going for.

I strutted evaluating whether or not I should stay and find another book or head out now.

I think that's not the word you were trying to use.

Firefox/Hanako avatar

I lol'd. I know, it makes me a horrible person.

[Acik]

Ok, let's dive in here. Let me start by saying I'm not going to be hitting any editing points in this post. Not to say there aren't any grammatical problems or anything like that, but that's not what I focused on. In fact, I almost left this post after reading you based the main character after yourself. I don't like it, that guy over there doesn't like it, the American people don't like it. I have yet to read a good story where I know the main character was a reflection of the author. When you self insert it becomes to hard to separate from the text, you lose your objectivity. It's too easy to make your character perfect or resolve conflicts to easily. It just makes it boring, usually. At the very least, don't tell us.

Read this garbage.

Also, the self deprecation may seem like a way to humbly start, it can almost be as bad as, "You are blessed to read my words." Lack of confidence is not something you want your readers to know. Especially in this type of storytelling (episodic, periodic release, etc.)

I guess my my point from all that was that I very nearly wanted to stop reading before I even got to your story. Not saying your a bad writer or a bad person or anything like that, but those first few introductory sentences aren't doing you any favors.

So about the story itself. Not written poorly at all. I actually like your style and tone for the most part. But it's hard to concentrate on that with some of your other plot points. Suspension of disbelief can make or break a fanfiction, where the lines between canon and your own original story can get hazy. For many people, that line is in different places. You crossed mine, though. First off, with a name like Gage Anderson, you are fighting an uphill battle. Secondly, and I could be wrong here, but I don't think one would typically get accepted into Yamaku just for social anxiety and depression. While massive plot points in the VN, all the characters with 'mental issues' have other reasons for being there. And thirdly, he's in 3-3? As fanfiction writers we have some leeway, but this might be too much. The entire 3-3 roster is published and widely accepted. At first I thought that maybe he was in Hisao's position, but since you wrote him in I'm kinda wondering where Gage came from.

Having him pair with Hanako is going to make your job harder as well. Since your OC and Hanako share so much in common, writing them interestingly together is going to be more challenging. There is a reason opposites attract work, it's interesting to read. It allows the characters to feed off one another. Similar pairings can work, it does quite often, but it is certainly harder to pull off.

Of course, this is all just my own opinion. Some people might not be taken out of it as easily as I was. So I guess what I trying to say is be mindful of your audience. Know who your writing to. Do your homework the best you can to avoid plot holes and immersion killers.

I hope this all didn't come off too harshly. I'm a bit of a stickler for immersion and plot is always the endgame for me. But none of us are perfect. All we can do is research the best we can and hope. You got the writing chops, nothing to worry about there.

Good luck and Godspeed.

[Yoyofatboy]

To bhtooefr:

Sorry about the reply like this, still working on my foruming skillz

Thanks a billion for the feedback, I'll fix the grammatical errors and I'll more likely than not come up with something or a back-story. As for the 'condition' the main character suffers, I couldn't really picture anything else that could be given to him. Merr, I'll think of something.

And for my profile picture...

[Yoyofatboy]

To Acik:

Thank you for the feedback, and I know, it is kinda a weird story, or at least in my opinion, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to rewrite and add wayyyyy more information on this route for it to even be noteworthy. I'm gonna work on all the things you noted, and will hopefully have them fixed soon.

I do really appreciate the compliments and the criticism.

[bhtooefr]

Oh, also, I can't believe I forgot this...

Route-scale projects are not a good idea for someone new to writing.

I'm not saying don't do this, and I find the premise of someone who is as socially awkward/anxious as Hanako being interested in her to be highly interesting, but I'm saying that this isn't a good first project.

I will note that the premise most likely needs the OC to be in 3-3 to work, and it being on Hisao's Hanako route gives some further anxiety/depression triggers. (Then again, Hanako POV of Lilly's route would give those same triggers...) This actually has the potential to hit way too close to home if written well enough...

[Mirage_GSM]

A glance at the time denies what hopes I had for any extra sleep.

If you try to use metaphors, be sure they work. The glance doesn't really deny anything. This is no major problem, but in this case it's only two sentences into the story...

My name is Gage Anderson...

Rather than creating a backstory of how a Gaikokujin got to attend a school in Japan, that noone will believe anyway, why not simply change his name to something more Japanese?

Her name was Hanako. Hanako Ikezawa. She was by far the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had so much in common with me, I could just see it. Her personality was near the same as mine,...

This part is past tense, while the story up to that point (and mostly afterwards as well) is present tense.

During my internal struggles with my mind verses reality,

"versus"

Yuuko set up a kind of recommendation system between Hanako and I.

"between Hanako and me"

She's intertwined in her book

I don't think "intertwined" is the word you wanted to use here... Absorbed? Engrossed?

Kenji's probably a simple case of slipping through the cracks.

Well, he's legally blind, so there's that. Though I also think he would be better served in a mental institution^^°

Acik mentioned you putting your OC in class 3-3. I don't have quite as harsh a view about that - as the author of your own story you can make changes to canon - but if you do those changes are something that should be explained in the introduction. So if you replaced Taro or Lelouch with your OC, you have to tell your readers beforehand or they'll be confused.

All in all not bad so far for a first story. I recommend getting a proofreader to polish up your writing a bit before publishing. The things I mentioned above are not complete, just the stuff that stuck out the most.

[bhtooefr]

Well, he's legally blind, so there's that. Though I also think he would be better served in a mental institution^^°

That's what I meant, for what it's worth - that his mental condition slipped through the cracks, and if it were found out, he'd probably be transferred to a more suitable institution.

Hanako's at Yamaku rather than a mental institution because it's the best fit for her, so they allowed her in in spite of her mental issues.

Kenji's at Yamaku rather than a mental institution because they don't know about his mental issues.

[Helbereth]

Okay, I'm gonna try and be as nice as possible, but this is painful.

There are a few sparks of brilliance in the way you've set your protagonist up for an unrequited love conflict. That's something I haven't actually seen among the fan fictions here, so kudos on the (maybe) original thought. Don't smile too widely, though, because there are a lot of flaws in your execution.

First and foremost, your exposition needs an established perspective. Reading this reminded me of a diary entry, especially with the numerous starts and stops, sentence fragments, and the inconsistency of personal pronouns.

That last one specifically is the bigger blunder. If this is a story being told in real time through the eyes of the protagonist, you almost always want to use "I", "me", or "myself" when they talk about themselves. In the case of a sort of 3rd person perspective that views the world through the protagonists eyes, but comments on it as though it were an outside observer, the proper pronoun is almost always "you" or "yourself".

Now you look like a real creeper.

Apparently I stared for too long, as someone notices my gaze.

Either way, both of these sentences should be either "I" or "you".

Since loopholes exist, I should mention that both could conceivably be used in the case of someone who literally argues with a voice in their head; in the case of a split personality disorder, for instance. It's also common for someone's internal monologue to possess a different voice, but comments thereof should be distinguished from the regular exposition.

A few examples of trailing thoughts coming from different internal voices:
I've really screwed up this time...
You're such a screw-up...

I'm not even supposed to be here today...!
Why did you bother coming in today...?

I'm so lucky, I got the last doughnut!
Well done, fat-ass, you got the last doughnut...

Are you here to return a book or check out a book or look at a book or,"

This may just be a typo, but never end a quoted piece of dialogue with a comma unless it's followed by more exposition.

Anyways, I quietly walk my way over to the counter.

This link should clear up the problem here. But, if you don't wanna click it, basically 'anyways' is no longer an acceptable substitute for 'anyway'.

*THUD*

It's tempting to use something like this because it's just so much simpler. However, it's something spawned from script format writing, which is how all the text in KS was displayed. In this format, you should describe the sound and its source. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than:

As I approach the counter, I call out, "Hey, Yuuko!"
My beckoning results in a loud thumping sound as she attempts to stand from behind the counter. Yep, it happened again, as usual.

Also, while we're here, I might as well mention that the "...as usual." tacked on the end there is a bit lazy. I say that because despite your publishing on a forum dedicated to the source material, you're assuming your reader already knows Yuuko. Strictly speaking, that's an acceptable practice in fan fiction, but it's something you should avoid doing because it doesn't fly in original stories. Instead you might consider something along these lines:

On my way to the counter, I call out, "Hey, Yuuko!"

As the words leave my lips, I wince reflexively. Barely a half second afterward, I hear a loud thumping sound, followed by a string of pained cries.

"Ow, ow, ouch...!" Yuuko's airy voice barely carries far enough for me to hear.

This happens almost every time I come down here, which makes me wonder how many times she hits her head every day. It's probably a lot more than she'll ever admit, which might explain why she seems to exist in a perpetual state of being frazzled, though I'm not sure which one causes the other - it's something of a paradox. Standing upright somewhat gracelessly, she winces painfully and rubs the sore spot on her head as she turns toward me.

"Oh! Hello, Gage!" she greets, then nervously snaps her hand down to rest on the counter before continuing, "Are you here to return a book, or check out a book, or look at a book, or..."

It's kinda usual for her, but I notice something that unusually makes my blood boil.

Firstly, 'normal' is probably a better word in place of 'usual'. Second, I assume you're trying to indicate that your protagonist isn't usually one to get riled, but slipping 'unusually' in the middle of this sentence isn't quite working.

It's kinda normal for her, but then I notice something else that, despite my typically calm demeanor, simply makes my blood boil.

During my internal struggles with my mind verses reality [snip]

This whole paragraph is sort of broken and aimless. It sort of relates the point, but lacks the blunt, crushing despair that a section like this should convey. As I'm just more comfortable showing rather than telling, this is what I would have done with what little you had there:

While my consciousness and id are fighting for dominance, the door opens to reveal that my nemesis has arrived. At least that's what I call him, even though we've never spoken a word to each other; I have good reason, though. Hisao Nakai, the new guy who transferred in only a few weeks ago has since become the Lex Luthor to my Superman, or maybe Andy Brock to my Peter Parker - whichever one steals the girl from the hero. The point is that he stole my girl, my sweet, innocent, perfect Hanako, right out from under my nose, and maybe I hadn't made my move, but I was close... and I think that's reason enough to hate the bastard.

As he strolls in wearing his stupid wrinkle-free uniform, ugly sweater-vest and an idiotic, painted grin, all I wanna do is leap out of my chair and pummel him into oblivion, but that doesn't happen. Despite how visceral that fantasy is in my head, it never actually happens - I'm a pacifist, after all. Instead, I drop my head down onto the desk and don't even bother letting out an audible groan as the girl-stealing, cow-licked, sweater-vested abomination walks to his desk, sits down, and starts talking with that pink-haired harpy.

It occurs to me that I should add "philandering" to my list of Hisao-based adjectives, but that might be a stretch. Then again, he's entirely too friendly with most of the girls in my class, so it might not be inaccurate. Either way, much like my sweet Hanako, he probably doesn't even know that I exist. Still, if given the chance, I'd find some way to punish his continued, felonious existence - castration would work. Anyway, all I end up doing - as per usual - is keep my head down and barely move a muscle through the rest of class.

The birds chirp back and forth, vigorously communicating to one another. I stare up into the sky, and drift off into my usual stupor...

The imagery here is good, but the structure could use some tweaking:
As the birds chirp back and forth, vigorously communicating with one and other, I stare up into the sky and drift off into my usual stupor.

This is another case where you shouldn't shirk the details by saying "my usual stupor." Especially since this is your OC, and we don't know anything about him except for what you tell us, you should never skip an opportunity to explain his states of mind more thoroughly. Later, you can skimp a bit because you'll just start to get unnecessarily repetitive, but at this early point in the story it would be a very good idea to explain that stupor, how he's positioned, what he's thinking about, why he's staring off into space, etc..

One final note, just before I go: Keep track of tenses. It seems like you're writing most of this in present tense, but there are a few sections that use the wrong articles, like this:

Her name was Hanako. Hanako Ikezawa. She was by far the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had so much in common with me, I could just see it. Her personality was near the same as mine, and I'm pretty sure we suffer from the same disorder. The saying "opposites attract" doesn't seem applicant in this situation, nor did I want it to be.

The first half of the paragraph is all 'was', 'had' 'could', when it should be 'is', 'has/have' and 'can', thus:

Her name is Hanako, Hanako Ikezawa, and she is by far the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has so much in common with me, I can just see it. Her personality is nearly the same as mine, and I'm pretty sure we suffer from the same disorder. The saying "opposites attract" doesn't seem to apply in this situation, nor do I want it to.

Granted there are other issues in here - like consistently ending sentences with prepositions - but using the wrong tenses is the biggest blunder. Sometimes using a the past tense is fine in a present tense story, but that only applies when the exposition is actually talking about a previous event. Here you're describing Hanako to the reader as she presently exists, so it should all be in the present tense.

Also, just to be thorough, and because I'm sick, so my head isn't on straight and this seemed like a good idea:

Her name is Hanako, Hanako Ikezawa, and she is by far the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. With long, dark, purple-tinted hair that flows like a river of night around her shoulders, kind eyes that reflect the color of amethyst starlight, and a smile so subtle and fleeting that it feels like I've touched nirvana every time her little lips curl upwards, she's absolutely breathtaking. Although I try to keep my eyes above her neckline at all times, I've slipped up more than once, and her perfect, statuesque figure haunts my dreams as a result. Every time she walks by on the way to her desk, I long to catch a whiff of the delicate perfume she wears, which is probably just bath soap or shampoo, but that makes it no less intoxicating.

Not only is she visually stunning, but we have so much in common. Just like me, she loves to read books, and, just like her, I'm always nervous about something. We both suffer from similar anxiety disorders, and we've both had our share of panic attacks. They say opposites attract, and maybe they're right sometimes, but Hanako and I don't need some silly saying to know we're perfect together. Now, if only I had the courage to tell her that, I'm sure we'd be right as rain, or like two peas in a pod, or maybe we'd be the greatest love story ever told... in my dreams.

Back in reality, I hear the door click open and glance toward it just in time to see my fantasy girl step into the classroom. She's a few minutes late, but that's not unusual, and she looks a little frazzled as she grips the hem of her ruffled green uniform skirt tightly against her black-nylon-clad thigh, but that just makes her look even more adorable. Standing in the doorway, she fidgets with her white uniform blouse for a few moments, but soon gives up on straightening the wrinkle in her sleeve. Keeping her head down to further hide the right side of her face - sometimes her strategically brushed bangs aren't satisfactory cover for her outward scars - she quickly strides past the first three aisles of desks, and turns straight toward me.

Every time this happens - which is almost every day - I have to try really hard not to get mesmerized watching her approach. It sometimes seems like she has a sixth sense that does nothing except indicate when people are staring at her, but when your dream woman is walking straight toward you, it's difficult to remember those kinds of details. Luckily, I manage to turn away just as she's passing the front desks, so she didn't notice my prolonged gaze, or at least that's what I'm hoping.

When she stops beside my desk and turns to take her seat - the one right next to mine - I have to mentally prepare myself for the rush of air that follows. Keeping my face turned away, I smile reflexively when that soapy scent wafts under my nose, and barely resist the urge to inhale deeply - that would just be weird. Lately there's been an extra scent hidden with the soap, which I think may be lip gloss; she's dating someone now, so that's probably accurate, but it doesn't matter. She's still my Hanako, no matter what that sweater-vested geek she's dating might think.

In the meantime, now that she's arrived I feel like my day can continue. Unfortunately, it's not so easy pushing pining thoughts out of one's mind, especially when the object of your obsession is sitting less than three feet away - so close, yet so far. With her sitting there beside me, I'm strangely content despite how awkward it makes me feel; just her being there is reassuring. However, whenever I go for a day without basking in her presence, I start to slip academically; the last test we had was seemingly more difficult than the others simply because she was absent that day.

Logically, school should come before romance, right? Wrong, I say! People say that, but people say a lot of things, many of which are bold-faced lies. Still, I have to at least try and pay attention, or make a good show of it, so I lift my head up just enough to see our teacher start another droning lecture. Time passes at its crushingly slow pace, and I barely manage to keep my eyes open through the boredom. Eventually, I look over at the clock and notice it's nearly time for lunch, which means I've survived through almost another whole morning - go me.

Now that I've noticed the clock, I immediately start obsessing over it, watching the hands, listening to its ticking, and hating the minute hand for moving so slowly. The teacher is still talking as the seconds count down, but I don't think anyone is listening anymore - I know I'm not. After what feels like an eternity, there are only ten seconds left until noon, and I start counting down the seconds in my head.

Three... two... one...! One-half...! One-quarter...!? Where's that damned bell!?

Answering my silent question, the carillon bells start chiming, and I start packing my things up as I weigh my lunch options.

Okay, I'm gonna stop there...

[Mirage_GSM]

Okay...
Yes, everything Helbereth just wrote is correct, but nobody - not even Helbereth I think - expects you to write like that on your first story. Getting this good is going to take years of practice.
So try to take from his post what you can, but don't sweat it if your story doesn't read like his writing.
For starters, find yourself a proofreader - there are several people on this forum who are offering help in this regard - and continue to write. It's the only way to improve.

[griffon8]

basically 'anyways' is no longer an acceptable substitute for 'anyway'.

It was NEVER an acceptable substitute.

A friend of mine who was a linguistics major tried to convince me of the validity of plural adverbs (which would include 'anyways'). Trying to think of a sentence using one, he came up with, "He ran fastlies."

Rarely do I laugh as much as I did at that sentence.

[Helbereth]

Okay...
Yes, everything Helbereth just wrote is correct, but nobody - not even Helbereth I think - expects you to write like that on your first story. Getting this good is going to take years of practice.
So try to take from his post what you can, but don't sweat it if your story doesn't read like his writing.
For starters, find yourself a proofreader - there are several people on this forum who are offering help in this regard - and continue to write. It's the only way to improve.

Yes, this. As I've been going back over the early chapters of Tomorrow's Doom lately, I can certainly attest to the way one's writing improves over time. I was decent at it 18 months ago, but those early chapters are almost laughably bad looking at them now.

It's an ongoing process.

EDIT: How sad is it that I'm still going back and making tweaks to the superfluous description of Hanako I wrote as an example?

basically 'anyways' is no longer an acceptable substitute for 'anyway'.

It was NEVER an acceptable substitute.

A friend of mine who was a linguistics major tried to convince me of the validity of plural adverbs (which would include 'anyways'). Trying to think of a sentence using one, he came up with, "He ran fastlies."

Rarely do I laugh as much as I did at that sentence.

It was an acceptable practice back in the pre-renaissance era, though only for some adjectives.

[Oddball]

Her name was Hanako.

I read that and my first thought is, "So, what's her name now?"

Also, as much as I love Hanako, I have a hard time thinking anyone would describe her as the most beautiful person they've ever seen. Sweetest I can see, and I can even understand something thinking she does look good, but the MOST beautiful seem to be pushing things.

[SpunkySix]

Her name was Hanako.

Also, as much as I love Hanako, I have a hard time thinking anyone would describe her as the most beautiful person they've ever seen. Sweetest I can see, and I can even understand something thinking she does look good, but the MOST beautiful seem to be pushing things.

Not to bring up a tangent here, but really? I could see it.

[Helbereth]

Also, as much as I love Hanako, I have a hard time thinking anyone would describe her as the most beautiful person they've ever seen. Sweetest I can see, and I can even understand something thinking she does look good, but the MOST beautiful seem to be pushing things.

You forget that love is a most dangerous state of mind. It makes one blind, skews one's rationale, undermines their morality, negates one's ability to discern reality from fantasy, and often leads its victim astray. Most insidious of all, it performs all these tasks without one's knowledge or consent, never explains itself, and can suddenly leave, seemingly without a trace.

Therefore, I don't really take issue with a first person perspective describing anyone, even one who's marred by extensive facial scars, or extremely overweight, or covered with boils and lesions, or who is violent, sadistic, vengeful, or a million other negative traits, as being the most beautiful person in the world because that's simply how that person sees them, despite all reason and evidence to the contrary.