Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 05/10/14

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Re: Dear Hanako - OC Route (First time FF)

Post by Feurox » Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:30 pm

read this garbage
You gotta believe! (In the heart of the cards)
strutted


I'm really sorry but I love the idea of is guy just strutting his stuff whilst speaking XD

To be perfectly honest, you've gotten a lot of great feedback already, but it's your decision to accept it :)

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Re: Dear Hanako - OC Route (First time FF)

Post by Yoyofatboy » Tue Feb 25, 2014 3:15 am

EDIT: 25/02/14

So it's about 1 AM right now, but I had the sudden urge to edit and tidy(or at least attempt to) up my writing. I've hopefully fixed most of the grammatical and spelling mistakes I made, and fixed up a few tenses. All in all, I tried to make reading this more bearable, with the little time I had at hand. Thanks for your support and feedback!

EDIT: 23/06/14

Lengthened my first post with some goodies, and fixed a few errors. Will probably continue adding more the the original post later. Check back on it and leave your thoughts!

EDIT: 09/07/14

Proofread my second installment. Attempted to improve as much as I can, but it's a bit hard to edit your own work. Added in a new event that'll surely flutter up some butterflies~. (I don't know how to do the ~ thingy correctly. Maybe later)
poopooface wrote:Good job.

Probably the best words you could say to a writer.

EDIT: 10/07/14

Changed my dates to match the majority of viewer's preferences. Also part three stuff. Happy Birthday, Hanako~

EDIT: 13/07/14

Fixed quite a few grammatical errors thanks to the help from YutoTheOrc!~ I may or may not add an eating disorder to our MC to clear up the complaints about him not having a physical disability.
Last edited by Yoyofatboy on Sun Jul 13, 2014 11:54 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: Dear Hanako - OC Route (First time FF)

Post by Yoyofatboy » Sun Jun 01, 2014 9:28 pm

Alas, the second coming of Chri-I mean the second entry to my work of fiction. It indeed took way longer than it should to get this second part out, but the school year is ending and I will more than likely be writing at a more swift pace than before. "Why is it so short!?!?!?" Yolo. Well, I had originally planned on this to be a tad bit longer, but the ending seemed appropriate to stop there. (I'll add on as I go.) Enjoy!

=================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================

Act 1 - Part 2: Pawn to D4




The next morning I awake again to the sound of an overly obnoxious alarm clock. I think the staff purposely added an amplified bell or something in my clock just to piss me off. I'll have to look into that someday. The only energy I had at the moment was all used on attempting to force myself out of bed. Perhaps I could maybe get by without attending today's classes... Yea.. That sounds nice. I could spend the whole day in town; sightseeing, shopping, and-who am I kidding. I'm not normal. I couldn't even think of doing that, let alone have the balls to skip school.

Another topic pops into my head... Hanako is able to skip class whenever she wants, and we're basically similar in most aspects. I think a while back I figured out that she was given permission to do so. Why haven't I been given the same special treatment? Or maybe I have, and my mom has been keeping it from so I'll actually try to attend classes regularly. Very sneaky, Mom. I'll make sure to bring it up at our next meeting.

...

Ah, Hanako.. I can't even go a day without her flashing her way into my brain. I mean, it's not like I dislike it, I just think it'd be nice to have some peace inside my head. No, no, no. Hanako is my peace, and my other thoughts are a burden on my mind.

What the heck am I doing? Almost a half an hour has gone by. I'm definitely late this time. There's no more catching a lucky break. Frick. Maybe staying in wouldn't be so bad?

...

No. I remember what happened last time, and I'd rather not have a repeat of what happened to put me on suicide watch. I'm not suicidal! ... I think... I'd rather not think about this right now.

Ok, I'll just face the embarrassment of being this late. It's only gonna be the whole class' eyes glaring at me, losing any positive perception they've had of me..

...

Umm, no. Nice try brain, but I'm not going to face that scene.

I'll just go in after lunch. That way, it'll never seem like I was gone. This even gives me an extra hour of sleep. Nice work Gageyboy.
I set my alarm to go off ten minutes before lunch and close my eyes.

The distinct, annoying sound of my alarm wakes me up just in time to hear the lunch bell. With how quickly the relatively normal food is taken by the students, I know I won't be able to make it in time for anything edible. Autopilot takes over and soon I'm heading out of my dorm room, having eaten something lying around my room.

What did I just eat?

There's still a bit of time left in the lunch hour, so I'm left wandering around the campus aimlessly. I consider making a trip to the library, but that idea's shot down in an instant, knowing I haven't even started reading the book I got just yesterday. Oh yea, Hanako's probably at the library... Maybe I could go there to crack open that book that she recommended to me.

I make it to the library with as little as a glare given to me by passerby. As I cross the library, aiming for the table near the corner, I glance over to the spot where Hanako's usually at. Sure enough, she's there, and surprisingly, she.. She noticed me.. Our eyes met and I quickly advert them away. My heart starts racing. I know that nothing is noteworthy about that scene we shared, but it sure as hell startled me, seeing how very little communication we share. Maybe someday I'll be able to talk to her again. Again? Oh yea.. Those few times we did socialize with each other... Those were really freaking great. It may have seemed like a train wreck to outsiders, but to the few people who know Hanako and I, it was very progressive. It started when I was heading to check out a book that piqued my interest...


Hanako was there, checking out a book, standing in line before me. Her and Yuuko proceeded with the routine, while I couldn't help but eavesdrop. It turned out that Hanako is checking out the same book as I am. Of course in my mind, that's a huge thing. I started daydream about multiple fantasies and other dreams not appropriate to our current relationship, and I think she forgot another book she was going to check out in the back, so she began to scurry over to retrieve it. Yuuko, being one who doesn't want to waste time, proceeded to check out my book. She apparently was on the same page as me, thinking two people checking out the same book is a huge deal, especially since it's not a very popular book. Hanako returns just in time to have a front row seat to Yuuko's sermon on "fate". Calling the scene awkward would've been an understatement. Hanako stood there, more than likely wanting to run away. I couldn't blame her, I felt the same way. In the end, neither of us ran away, and apparently we were dragged into making the little book recommendation thingy. Throughout that whole scene only a few words were shared between us. "Us" as in Hanako and myself. The words were something like, "I-I wouldn't mind.." and "That sounds a-alright.."

I'm awakened from my reverie by the bell. Dang. I didn't even get to read my book. I pack up the few things I have and head out to go to class, but instead of walking alone, I notice a familiar figure close behind me. I try not to make it obvious, but I attempt to steal a glance to make sure my assumption is correct. Yes, Hanako is indeed beside me, and for the second time today, our eyes met. My heart skips a beat as this happens. Come on Gage, just say something to her!

"Oh, hey Hanako."

Oh look, I can talk.

She nearly jumps out of her skin at the sound of my voice. Am I that creepy? Then again, this is Hanako we're talking about here.

A few seconds pass and not a word is spoken. I begin thinking of ways to back out of this and pretend it never hap-

"H-hey.."

...

What the hell do I do now? She fricking responded to me. I didn't really think this through much at all. Maybe I just thought a sudden burst of confidence would explode out of my brain and Hanako and I would become insta-best friends.

Well, stuff like that doesn't ever happen to me. I'll just have to get over it. Sometime.

I notice that my pace has slowed down to a near halt, as did my walking partner's. Commence pointless small talk!

Uhhh... Books! Yes, that's a good conversation topic. Nice.

"I umm, I read that book that you recommended to me. I-I liked it quite a lot. Heh, maybe I should finish all the others that you told me about."

If I can pull myself together long enough to finish another book, that is.

Hanako just nods her head, ever-so-slightly, and barely noticeable. I wonder how Hisao communicates with her, because whatever he's doing, works. I've seen them hang out rarely, and he's doing better than I am in conquering Hanako.

Yet again, silence overcomes us, and any hopes of conversing is halted as we approach the door to our class. If I was anywhere near sociable, I'd probably say something to her. A goodbye maybe? Why doesn't school prepare you for situations like this? Why can't History class be replaced with "How to speak to the girl of your dreams" class. Yes, that'd be very helpful right now.

I'll leave the talking to the people who are good at it. I stop at the door and notice we've arrived later than the time I'd like to arrive. I'm trying to muster up enough courage, or as much courage as it takes to open a door to a classroom (Okay, for me, that's a lot of courage), when I feel a warm sensation on my back. What is this sorcery? What is-Oh my god it's Hanako's hand. My whole body tenses up, and I nearly have a heart attack when I realize that's she's using me for protection. Or maybe she's trying to push me to enter? No. That's not romantic at all. Whatever courage I was searching for shot through my body and I slide open the door.

It turns out, we're running fashionably late. Eat that, Hisao. The class watches us closely as we head to our seats. My hands become a new level of sweaty, and my face probably resembles a tomato right now. At least my legs are functioning partially. I mean, I probably look like a penguin right now, but at least I'm moving. I'm not alone though, as Hanako looks the same as I do. I wonder if her hands are as sweaty as mine... Ahh... her hands... I nearly bump into my desk from my daydreaming. Luckily, I've bumped into my desk plenty of times before, so I'm prepared for this. I'm able to play it off rather nicely, or nicely, from my perspective. Oh yea, sometime between then and now, Hanako removed her hand from my back. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to forget this feeling running through my body. I sit down in my desk and analyze the situation.

I feel as if we did something wrong. Maybe they're all just amazed that we're conversing, or that we're actually trying to improve ourselves. I can't tell if I'm holding back my blush or not, but Hanako is clearly failing at it. Wait... Hanako is blushing... For me?

The rest of the day flies by me, and not once was my mind adverted from that wonderful, blushing face... of a friend...

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Re: Dear Hanako - OC Route (First time FF)

Post by poopooface » Tue Jun 10, 2014 10:56 am

Good job.
Hanako>Lilly>Emi>Rin>Shizune

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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by Yoyofatboy » Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:06 pm

*Insert new witty comment about the third installment here*
Oh yea, today is Hanako's IRL birthday, so in honor of that, act two shall begin!!! 8)
Sidenote: I think I'm just going to stick with the shortness of each entry, as it's relatively hard to write in great lengths about absolutely nothing. But, Something shall happen soon.

======================================================================================================================================

Act 2 - Novocaine For the Soul

I think the moment where you've finally hit rock bottom is when you realize you hate people. About three years ago was when I embarked on my decline as a human being. I slowly withdrew from all the relationships and connections I made over the course of my life, with no regrets or worries about what would become of my life in the future. I figured that if there was no one there to worry about me, care for me, or think about me, I could easily drift away from society, and then a few years down the road, drift away from the world completely. I had my life planned out perfectly. The only mistake I made was telling my therapist about my plan. Damn you, therapist number three. I guess patient confidentiality only goes so far...

...

Ah, Saturday. The day where at Yamaku, everything is pointless. You have to still get up, only to attend a half day in class, then, when you get back to your dorm, you've already been awake for too long to fall back asleep. It's probably my least favorite day of the week. Well, besides Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I arrive to class at the time that I have now deemed as "perfect". Not too early to be early, and not too late to be late. I have just enough time to slip into my seat before Mutou enters the classroom, already beginning his lecture. Something feels off today, everyone seems so stressed. Well, Hanako is the same, I guess. Yea, I was lookin' at you, baby. *Wink*

Hah, if only...

...

Class passes by with little involvement from the students. I can't really blame them though, as it's what I've been doing all this time now. Maybe they've finally opened their eyes and realized that it's pointless to try at anything. If that's the case, I welcome you all to my cult. You shall now refer to me as Master. Just before I begin packing up my things, Motou speaks up.

"Oh yea, tomorrow is the festival. I hope you all have prepared accordingly. Remember to work hard and have fun!"

What about a festival? I didn't kno-Oh my god, the festival! Piss. I hate this time of the year. A bunch of people from all over the city come to Yamaku for some bullshit about making sure that everyone knows that the students here are people, too. I mean, that's okay and all, but if we were normal people, we wouldn't be going to this school in the first place. Everyone in the class must agree with me, because groans were given throughout. No, wait, never-mind, I forgot that the festival was put together by the students, so their moans were probably aimed towards the work they had and have to put forth. I must be the only student in the school who hasn't done a single thing for the festival. Hah, silly peasants, true power lies in the eye of the guy that does nothing. (alol) Actually, whenever I first transferred to this school, I joined the track team. It all started because of the nights that I never fell asleep, I would go out for a jog. After a while, I just started running almost every day, and I enjoyed it. Maybe it was just something to keep my mind off of my life. So, I was on the track team... for a day.

It was my first day at Yamaku Academy. I had recently been put on some strong medication to keep my "tainted" thoughts (doctor's words) away, and I was feeling pretty great about this new installment in my life. A life, that I had planned to be a bit short. Well, the entire day went by normally, aside from the various side effects from the new meds, and I headed off towards the track. As it turns out, the track team hasn't had a new member in a long time. They had this huge party set up that probably took a while to get together, and, not knowing the reason behind why I was at Yamaku, they all bombarded me. So much talking, questions, and excitement was all directed at me. I probably haven't been talked to that much in my entire life. It all overwhelmed me, and I had a panic attack on the spot. What a way to start off the year! I never returned to the track, and I don't really plan on it. I don't know if I ever really want to see anybody from there again. Unfortunately, one of the members just happens to be in my class. Lucky me. Her name's Miki. She's actually one of the prettiest girls I've seen at this school (behind Hanako, of course), and she's got such an outgoing personality. I'm sure if that day never happened, she'd probably the apple of my eye. Eh, it probably wasn't meant to be.

In other news, today will be all about preparing for the day to come. More than likely I will spend the entire day in my room, but I could possibly muster up the courage to go out and enjoy the day. I guess when the time comes, I'll figure out something. For now it's time for the school to have lunch. Not that I'm ever really hungry myself, it's just that if I don't eat something now, I know that I'll regret it later. I guess that's how the world goes around, doing things now so you won't have to later. Or maybe it's just me...

The cafeteria is packed. Students are hurrying to grab something quickly so they can finish up the last preparations for the festival. I've always hated being in a hurry to do something, so eventually, I just stopped doing anything. It's the perfect life. Score another one for the guy that does nothing. My stomach doesn't feel like it wants to eat anything right now, nor does it ever, but I have to pick something up.

After waiting in the longest line I've ever seen in my life, I settled for grabbing some sort of sandwich (containing various unidentified sauces), and left the cafeteria harboring all of the monkeys that attend this school. Oh, in the time of monkeys, I was a chimpanzee. Actually, everyone here is a chimpanzee, and the people outside the school are monkeys. So then I would be... A human? Sure, that works. Anyway, I carry my food out to my usual dining location, only to find a group of students gathering for work. Eh, guess I'm eating in my room today.

Why is there so many people here? I didn't even know this many students went to this school... The dormitory is packed, and I'm barely able to slip by the various crowds unnoticed. My room barely provides any reprieve from the pounding noises exhaling from their mouths. Maybe staying in my room isn't such a good idea at the moment...

I step outside the dormitory and head down to the local store, as now's probably the best time to be away from the school and I was needing a few things anyway. The climb down the hill is quite nice today, actually. All the students are holed up at the school, so there is nobody to avoid on the street. My mind is free wander aimlessly...

At times like this, this is where something extravagant should happen. Only in my life, nothing ever happens. In those books and movies they put out these days, the boy always just happens to bump into his soul-mate or the girl of his dreams and some sort of romantic comedy situation develops. Unfortunately that doesn't happen in real life. Or at least, not for me.

I head into the convince store and pick up a few goods. The cashier is always eyeing me closely, either making sure I don't steal anything, or trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. A lot of the kids who come into this store are from Yamaku, and their disabilities are very visible. Me, on the other hand, have it all internally. Maybe I should've cut off my hand or foot or something before coming here. That way the cashier would-STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Piss. I guess it can't be helped.

*Mental note* Don't come to this store anymore.

Too bad its the only store like this in the nearby area. I place my gubbins onto the counter and hand him a few bills, staring at the floor. He keeps one eye on me, and gives me back the leftover amount. I gather up what I purchased and rush out of the store, never glancing back as I speed walk my way back up to the school.

Why did he insist on staring at me? Why was he so weird?

Then again, I'm probably the weird one...


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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 7/10/14

Post by Mirage_GSM » Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:28 pm

Oh yea, today is Hanako's IRL birthday...
The irony is painful...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 7/10/14

Post by Yoyofatboy » Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:30 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:The irony is painful...
*Takes a bow* Glad someone noticed. 8)
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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by poopooface » Fri Jul 11, 2014 1:36 am

Why would anyone with social anxiety's train of thought be written out like this? Sounds like you didn't even proofread for how the tone came out.
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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by Yoyofatboy » Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:27 am

poopooface wrote:Why would anyone with social anxiety's train of thought be written out like this? Sounds like you didn't even proofread for how the tone came out.
This is all part of who Gage is, a person who doesn't like to be around people. Over time while being isolated, your thoughts may or may not be all that sane. Gage thinks this way from a slow development of fear of socializing. Social anxiety comes in all shapes and forms, sometimes more strongly in some cases than another. As stated in the opener, Gage is declining as a human being- he is not normal, nor will he probably ever be. This is the story of someone different.

Anyway, I'm glad my story is stirring up some discussion. This'll help out in writing future installments. Thanks!
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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by poopooface » Sat Jul 12, 2014 2:08 am

Yea, I was lookin' at you, baby. *Wink*

Hah, if only...
This shouldn't be there. That was my point. This one line made me fucking punch the wall in frustration. The rest of this is a great story. This one line doesn't match up with the rest of the story's tone. That's what I meant. Otherwise, like I said, the rest was great.
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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by Yoyofatboy » Sat Jul 12, 2014 11:31 am

poopooface wrote:
Yea, I was lookin' at you, baby. *Wink*

Hah, if only...
This shouldn't be there. That was my point. This one line made me fucking punch the wall in frustration. The rest of this is a great story. This one line doesn't match up with the rest of the story's tone. That's what I meant. Otherwise, like I said, the rest was great.
Yea, I can see your point on that one, and thanks for the compliment. What my view on that situation there is, it's the main character's sense of humor. It's rather early on in the story for the readers to get a solid grasp of the quirks that Gage has. Another point that would continue off of my last reply, Gage doesn't want to have social anxiety, he'd prefer to be a smooth talking, man-whore(if you will). Not really to that extent, but that's near the point.

As a sidenote, I edited my previous entries a while back, so this part wouldn't be so sudden and off-putting, like you said. If you could, please baby, go back and read the new additions to my previous entries.
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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by YutoTheOrc » Sun Jul 13, 2014 6:25 pm

Just want to say congratulations on posting the first bit of your story, I'm by no means a professional writer nor editor. Writing stories is however my passion(and reading them). Now down to the help(Please don't hate me :S )
Yoyofatboy wrote:The saying "opposites attract" doesn't seem applicable in this situation, nor did I want it to be.
Nor do I want it to be sounds better.
Yoyofatboy wrote:I settle for grabbing a small boxed lunch from the line after wait for what felt like an hour in line.
Try not to repeat like this, we get it he's in line. We don't forget that easily :p. As well as waiting instead of wait.
Yoyofatboy wrote: It's kinda normal for her, but I notice something that unusually makes my blood boil.
Awkward writing here. Maybe ',but I notice something unusual, something that makes my blood boil.' Would sound better
Yoyofatboy wrote: Standing upright somewhat
Standing somewhat upright
Yoyofatboy wrote:Check me out, eh? I don't know if you'll really enjoy what you're-oh. You mean the book... Yea, that makes more sense.
Lol, I like what you did there

That's for the first bit, so far I enjoy it. Although 'Gage Anderson' Is he an American or something(maybe you answered that in the other two updates). I'll look through the rest of your story after I get another coffee. Keep up the good work though, it holds a lot of promise. I know sometimes people picking apart your work can be a bit of a drag, but it's for the best isn't it? We're just being helpful. An author's worst enemy is himself/herself.

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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by YutoTheOrc » Sun Jul 13, 2014 7:34 pm

Here we go, here is the next bit.
Yoyofatboy wrote:That sounds nice. I could spend the whole day in town sightseeing, shopping, and-who am I kidding.
Fairly sure there should be a colon after town, or at the very least a comma
Yoyofatboy wrote: I remember what happened last time this happened
Awkward writing here
Yoyofatboy wrote: by passerby
Passers by.
Yoyofatboy wrote:to Yuuko's sermon on "fate".
From what I've seen of Yuuko in both fan-fics and the original material, she would not act this way. Especially on the matter of two people who barely know each other. I could be wrong though.
Yoyofatboy wrote: Motou
Mutou, not that big of a deal. Worthy of note though.
Yoyofatboy wrote:My stomach doesn't feel like it wants to eat anything right now, nor does it ever, but I have to pick something up.
Saw how some people were stating that you're character didn't have a physical illness, because Yamaku doesn't accept mentally ill people. Here's your chance to add the fact that he has something wrong with his stomach!

Geez, you made Gage out to be quite the pessimist! I love it. LOL. Fix the few small things we have highlighted, and continue posting. The best way to improve is through trial and errors. :)

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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by Yoyofatboy » Sun Jul 13, 2014 11:39 pm

YutoTheOrc wrote: Geez, you made Gage out to be quite the pessimist! I love it. LOL. Fix the few small things we have highlighted, and continue posting. The best way to improve is through trial and errors. :)
Thanks so much for the help! I think I skipped by those errors, so I'm glad I can fix them now.
YutoTheOrc wrote:
Yoyofatboy wrote:My stomach doesn't feel like it wants to eat anything right now, nor does it ever, but I have to pick something up.
Saw how some people were stating that you're character didn't have a physical illness, because Yamaku doesn't accept mentally ill people. Here's your chance to add the fact that he has something wrong with his stomach!
That's actually a pretty amazing idea. I will seriously consider putting that in, as it'll clear up all the fuss about him not having a physical condition.

I'll fix all the errors you mentioned, and I appreciate your help. Thanks!
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Re: Dear Hanako - OC x Hanako - Updated 10/07/14

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:24 am

YutoTheOrc wrote:
Yoyofatboy wrote: Standing upright somewhat
Standing somewhat upright
Quote the whole thing and it makes sense again: "Standing upright somewhat gracelessly..."
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.

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