Page 3 of 4

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt4, 10/2)

Posted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 4:17 am
by Markus Ramikin
Well, yeah, it's OOC, but I admit I liked it when Hanako just dropped that note to the fl... oh, Shizune dies? This story is really looking up!

Good End incoming, right? ;)

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt4, 10/2)

Posted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 10:27 am
by Sea
GorisTheKing wrote:
Sea wrote: but he got transmog'd
Err, what? Is transmogrification something that happens here? Like he turned into a rat?
More like a spud, but yeah its a similar process

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt4, 10/2)

Posted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 3:01 pm
by AntonSlavik020
I feel like Hanako will have a much harder time keeping this one a secret, especially if Shizune told anyone where she was going, and the fact that she actually has to hide the body now. Should be interesting to see where it goes from here.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt4, 10/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 4:55 am
by GorisTheKing
Here's the next part. In this part I balance the story on the top of its rocker while prodding the sides and hoping it doesn't fall off. The next few parts should be a bit less eventful and focus more on the character interactions. Enjoy!


Shizune is dead. This presents a problem, I can't just leave her here, and I can't just dump her body or make her go missing. Too much evidence will point back to me, I need to be smart about this. I rummage through my draws and pick out a elegant pair of black lace gloves. I used to wear these when I started at Yamaku, to hide my scars, but my therapist, Miss Yumi, convinced me to stop wearing them. I feel a wave of nostalgia as I pull them on, I liked it when I first started going at Yamaku. People kept to themselves and I avoid them quite easily, almost forgetting about my ugly scars at times. It was the happiest I remember being before Lilly started talking to me. She showed me that life was better with friends, I couldn't go back to the way it was. I couldn't lose Lilly.

Only one obstacle lay In my way. I exit my room, making sure to lock it afterwards and head to the Dormitory kitchen. Finding some large black rubbish bags I return to my room and reach into her pockets and remove her cellphone and keys, I could use these to hide her body. I put the bags one inside the other and start to slide Shizune inside, but after a few minutes of contorting her into different shapes I decide that this isn't going to work.

Changing tact I rest her back on the wall and start wiggling the bag, bottom first, up and over her body. When it won't go any further I start to undress, removing my blouse and bra, but keeping the gloves. In my top draw I keep a sushi knife, I like to use my own when cooking rather than the blunt instruments the schools supplies in the kitchens. Moving back to Shizune I reach into the bag and pull off her skirt and stockings, blushing as I do so. Really Hanako? Reaching around with the knife I make deep, sawing cuts where her thigh meets her underwear. Warm thick blood flows out and into the bag, coating my arms but keeping the carpet clean. Her heart stopped beating long ago so there are no pressured spurts of blood to worry about. After reaching the cartilage in the hip I give one last sharp shove with the knife before yanking her leg upwards, now free to pivot in an unnatural position. Just like filleting a fish Hanako,a really big fish. Okay, butchering a pig. I've never done that before, from what I read in a book it's quite a hard job. I look back down. More like dismembering a human. A sentient being. Someone with dreams, aspirations... That I ended.

Reminding myself why I'm doing this I shift my body and begin to work on the other leg. She forced me to do this, if anybody else was in my position they would have done the same thing. If Lilly knew the whole truth she would understand, she would forgive me for what I'm doing to keep us together. She would hold my hand and comfort me saying, 'It's okay Hanako, we understand. It's not your fault, you had to do it.'

Hisao takes his turn, wrapping me in a tight embrace, 'Thank you Hanako, for doing this, for us.'

I lean closer to him, finding his lips with mine and pushing him to the ground, 'I love you Hisao.'

Our lips part and he looks deeply into my eyes, 'I love you too Hanako.'

Shizunes blank face interrupts us, her head lolling over to one side, bring her lifeless eyes in line with my own. A quick nudge sends her face the other direction. Just a lump of meat.

Once I finish her body easily slides into the bag, positioned in some grotesque fetal position with lacerations and tangled limbs. She would get a proper burial in time, but for now, this is how it has to happen. I close the bag and tie off the top with some thick twine.

Sitting down on the floor I cross my legs and stare at my arms, one is covered in a smooth sheen of red liquid, the other a revolting mess of raised pink ridges and deep red troughs. I wish I didn't have these scars. Would I be sitting here if I didn't have them? Just a normal girl living out her normal life. I look down at the rest of my body and run my good arm against my body’s scarred side, leaving a red smear over the deformed skin. I'm not normal, am I.

I reach for a towel and wipe the worst of the blood from my body, I definitely need a shower before I'm seen like this. Looking at the clock tells me that school is still two hours from finishing. I should be able to get to the showers without being seen. Making sure the worst of the blood is gone I pull on my clothes and put a clean pair into my bag.

Looking down the corridor I see the coast is clear. Breaking into a run I race down the stairs and through the door open, safe!

Quickly undressing I stand under the tepid water for what seems like an age. Nothing going through my head but how to dispose of Shizune. She cant stay in my room forever and people already know she wasn't in class this afternoon. Misha would know she followed me so there's a direct link between us. I could kill Misha, but that would just generate more questions, and more body's. What about.... Yes! That's it. I need to visit Miss Yumi and I need to finish this shower, I have a clear plan and I can fix this. Everything can go back to normal.

Just before I step out of the shower I hear a gasp from outside, “Are you okay!”

The curtain flies open and Suzuki stands there with worried eyes. I look up and down at the girl in front of me and wrench the curtain back while trying to cover myself. “W-w-w-hat?”

“All this blood on your clothes! Are you okay? ”

Oh, this is a problem. What do I say? She knows something is up, how can I convince her? Cooking spill? No that's silly. What about-


Need to say something. Quick, “I-I'm f-fine.”, well done, very convincing Hanako. “I-It w-was a...”, a what Hanako, come on, “C-cooking spill.”



“I know blood when I see it, you aren't cutting yourself are you?”

“-What? N-No.”

“Then what …..” Thump

I wait a while, “S-Suzuki?”

Opening the door I look outside to see her lying peacefully against a wall, fast asleep. Her cheek is pressed against the wall and she lets out a soft moan. A prod with my foot tells me she is fast asleep.

With only one thing I could think to do I start undressing her, folding her pajamas and placing them on the nearby bench. It feels awkward touching a naked woman like this but I need to do it. Grabbing her around the waist I heave her into the shower and sit her bottom on the center drain and turn the shower back on.

I know she is in my class and has narcolepsy but that's all I know of her, I never talked to her before. I sit down next to her and wrap my arms around her shoulders. Her company feels nice, despite her being an almost complete stranger to me. I could be quite sociable if everyone spent their time asleep, no prying questions or invasive stares. Just the warmth and companionship of another person. After a short while she wakes and looks around with a sleepy but surprised expression. “Where.. wh....Hanako?”

She looks back at me and I smile, “Sorry S-Suzu.” I shift my body to face her and then smash her head against the shower wall. There is a dull cracking sound and then a gurgling noise while I hold her face under the water now pooling in the base of the shower. “I-I'm s-sorry.”

After drying myself off and putting on a clean pair of clothes I find a clean towel and put it next to Suzu's clothes, throwing a half used bar of soap into the shower for good measure. She seemed like one of the nicer people here, it's a shame she had to see me today. I wonder at how little effect killing her had on me. After Emi I was distraught, I spent the whole night worrying about her. And then Shizune, that bothered me, but was it her death or the effects of her death that bothered me? Here though? Suzu just fell asleep in the shower, hit her head and drowned. I had nothing to do with this so why should I feel anything?

The shower starts to overflow and I step back to keep my feet dry. Picking up my dirty clothes I walk to the laundry one room over. I throw them in a empty washing machine with an extra scoop of stain remover and fabric softener, hopefully this will clean them and I don't have to buy a new uniform. My government disability check is hard enough to live off without buying a new uniform. They don't come cheap.

Getting back to my room I check the time, I still have one and a half hours to dispose of Shizune. I can't risk anybody seeing me with the black bag so decide to stand outside my door and shout as loudly as I can. If anybody comes to see what happened then I will have to wait and move it the next day.


Well, good enough. I could never raise my voice when I wanted. No response and the whole dorm sounds deserted. I drag the black bag behind me, hoping it doesn't rip. I put four bags, one inside the other, so it should hold the weight, but all the blood pooling at the bottom is causing a lot of friction. Doing a sort of stutter step I hop the bag along besides me, lifting it off the floor for short durations rather than dragging it. I get inside Shizune's room without incident and lock It behind me. It's nice, very tidy with few personal belongings, but enough to make it seem homely and lived in.

I planned to just leave the bag in here and lock the door, but Misha might have a key and come inside for some reason. Looking for a good spot to hide her my eyes rest on her wardrobe, I open it and step inside, dragging the bag behind me. She has a lot of clothes! Is that a Mini skirt? Oooh a corset! I take it down from the hanger and press it against me. I could never afford clothes like this, not that I would ever be brave enough to wear them. Looking around the room I find a full length mirror and stand in front of it. The black corset matches my dark hair, maybe I could try it on quickly.

It shows rather a lot of my arms. And neck. Come to think of it it shows rather a lot of everything. I look over at the miniskirt I dropped on the ground. I couldn't, it's so short! What would Akira say if she saw me in this? That's a merry thought, she tried to get me to wear some skimpy outfits last time we had tea with Lilly but I was too embarrassed. It's only me here though. I unzip my own skirt and begin to wrap the shall rectangle of fabric around my waist.

As soon as I look into the mirror I regret it, even through my stockings I can see the rough, corrugated skin down my leg. I'm a monster, how could anybody like what what's in front of me. There was a reason that people stare at me, and this is it. What would Hisao think if he saw me – all of me. Would he cringe at the sight of me? Or ignore it, like he did that first time we met. I hope he would accept me. I don't want his pity, or him to pretend nothing is different with me. I just want an equal. But wherever I go I get a mix of pitying glances and concealed revolution. Only Lilly and Hisao look at me like a real person. What would Lilly think if she could actually see me, would she even be my friend? I slump onto Shizunes bed and curl up into a comfortable ball. Just me and my thoughts.


“Shizune, you there?” Misha shouts with an accompanied bang as she hits the door. I leap up and scamper over to the wardrobe, crouching down and closing the door behind me.

“Shizune? I'm coming in okay?”

Just be quiet Hanako, stay calm.

“Hmm, I thought I heard something. I wonder where she got too.”

I hear the odd beep coming from her direction, telling me she is sending Shizune a message, when I get back to my room I can check Shizune's phone to see what she said.

I wait five minutes before I hear Misha getting off the bed and closing the door behind her. I pull down one of Shizunes' dresses and spread it over the black bag. I nuzzle up against it, finding a comfortable position before resting my eyes. I would have wait until late at night before heading back to my room, it's far to risky right now.

After some time I hear shouts coming from the bottom floor of the dormitories, I lean my back against Shizune and listen to the familiar sounds of panic. Just like with Emi, sirens and shouts sound for a few hours before falling gradually falling silent. The dorm goes back to it's usual state, quiet murmuring echoing through the walls and the creaking contractions of the building after the sun goes down.

Once after midnight I get up and flick on a torch from my keyring, shining it over where I was resting. The light catches on thin strands of purple hair and I pick them off. I remembered I didn't use gloves to carry the bag over here so I take the dress I was resting on and rub if vigorously over head of the bag, that should remove any fingerprints I left behind. The dress looks a bit ruffled after this so I lay it on the floor and rub out the worst of the creases before hanging it back up. After checking the room again and again for any evidence of myself being here I sneak back into my room, wincing at every creak in the floor. Luck is with me and everyone is asleep, allowing me to go unnoticed. With only one more thing to do before getting some much needed rest I take Shizune's phone off my desk and flick it open. Two messages from Misha, both asking where she is. Slowly navigating the foreign phone I open up the contacts menu and start writing a reply.

[Sorry I missed class, my dad pulled me out of school for family business. Been busy.]

Remembering what Lilly had said about her father that sounds plausible. I think she said Shizune didn't like her dad either. Deciding she would be annoyed by being taken out of school I change 'dad' to 'Mr Hakamichi'. That sounds more like Shizune.

[Could you let everyone know where I am? I should be back in a few days.]


And with that, Misha would go out of her way to make excuses for Shizune going missing. I smile at myself and close the phone, leaving it in my dresser. I pull the sheets on my bed over myself and snuggle into the thick folds of my blanket. I didn't set my alarm but that’s okay. I wasn't going to class tomorrow and after today's event's, sleeping it all I want to do. I shut my eyes and slowly drift off into a mindless sleep.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 7:28 am
by bhtooefr
Suzu, not Suzi.

And that is impressively fast, Hanako going from being a witness to an accidental death, to being a cold-blooded murderer.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:43 am
by Munchenhausen
Shit's getting hectic, mate :P
Feel bad for Suzu, but I guess at the end of the day a witness is a witness.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:11 pm
by Craftyatom
Ooooh dayum, this felt like a double feature. My heart is racing!

I feel like I should say something about the pace of the story, but to be honest, I don't really know how fast or slow it should be going, so I'll trust your judgement on it. I enjoyed reading it, (though the part with Suzu was almost tearful) so I guess keep on doing what you're doing!

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 6:44 pm
by Sea
'That escalated quickly' is a complete understatement for where this is going. You need a body count on the front page to draw people in.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:28 pm
by AntonSlavik020
It will be interesting to see who dies next. Emi was an accident, Shizune was getting too close and Suzu was a witness(and thus the one I felt the worst for). I for what reason the next one will die for(I'm assuming she isn't done killing yet).

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:54 pm
by bhtooefr
I've actually already got four predictions of how this is going to end.

All of them end with Hanako dead, and three of them end with Lilly being her last victim (they're variations on how Hanako dies).

I'm hoping it's not the fourth, because that would be a cheap way to end the story.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:17 pm
by AntonSlavik020
bhtooefr wrote:I've actually already got four predictions of how this is going to end.

All of them end with Hanako dead, and three of them end with Lilly being her last victim (they're variations on how Hanako dies).

I'm hoping it's not the fourth, because that would be a cheap way to end the story.
I think the best Hanako can hope for at this point is life in prison, assuming she gets arrested. I also don't know if Japan has the death penalty, because if they do, she would likely get that. More than likely, though, she won't get arrested and die some other way.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:23 pm
by bhtooefr
The fourth ending that I thought of is actually a better ending than that, overall, although not for Hanako.

And it's worse in a narrative sense.

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:33 pm
by Craftyatom
bhtooefr wrote:I've actually already got four predictions of how this is going to end.

All of them end with Hanako dead
Well I, for one, (as someone who only ever tends to write happy endings) hope that she wakes up and it was all a dream.

Not that I think it'll happen, but hey, it would be nice, wouldn't it?

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 11:12 pm
by Mahorfeus
I predict that it will end with Hanako lighting herself on fire, only to survive with grotesque, third-degree burns all over her body. And then her pain and suffering will curse Yamaku for yadda yadda yadda...

Re: Bad Hanako (Pt5, 20/2)

Posted: Fri Feb 21, 2014 2:57 am
by GorisTheKing
bhtooefr wrote:Suzu, not Suzi
Thanks, I thought I fixed all of those.
Craftyatom wrote:I feel like I should say something about the pace of the story
Right to do so, I'm not very good at writing things at a slow pace. Whenever I write reports for work I end up having everything in one concise page, then the boss complains so I have to go through afterwards and bloat it out with filler to keep her happy.
bhtooefr wrote: and three of them end with Lilly being her last victim
That was one of my early ideas, but I decided the 'Lilly boss fight' was a bit obvious. As it is now I only have a few scenes planned out and the rest is whatever pops into my head when I type.
Craftyatom wrote:Well I, for one, (as someone who only ever tends to write happy endings) hope that she wakes up and it was all a dream.
Just for you;

Pt Whatever

I wake with a start and begin to panic, did I just kill all those people? I look down at my sodden hands to find them not covered in blood, but a foul smelling bile. Glancing around my room I see Lilly lying half dressed on the floor, her skirt and blouse removed and my stocking's pulled over one of her arms. Akira is leaning against a wall with a peaceful expression on her face. A splitting pain wracks my head when I try to stand, causing me to flop back into my bed and discover a warm, masculine lump beside me. How much did we drink?
Mahorfeus wrote:I predict that it will end with Hanako lighting herself on fire, only to survive with grotesque, third-degree burns all over her body. And then her pain and suffering will curse Yamaku for yadda yadda yadda...
Hmm, ideas...