I Won't Be Back Tonight

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Guest Poster » Sun Jan 05, 2014 7:36 am

While writing I did some research of real estate prices and houses in Japan, along with exchange rates between Yen/US$, but if you tell me I'm wide of the mark, I'll believe you. It was a tricky balance, because in the VN Misha mentions she would not have been able to attend Yamaku without her sign language scholarship (therefore her family probably aren't Satou-level wealthy), but I also needed the house fancy enough that Hisao couldn't afford it.
You can afford to ignore this one. It's not a big deal.
Yeah, Mirage mentioned Hanako's disappearing act too. And Blasphemy below. That makes three. I really set a Hanako and Hisao thing up in chapter two, didn't I? I fully admit to using Hanako for nothing more than introducing the main scenario to the reader. In retrospect, not a dignified use of her character.
I don't think using a character purely for introducing the main scenario is a bad thing, but you spent 1/3rd of the story telling things from Hanako's POV, which creates the expectation in the reader that she's relevant to the main plot. If you want to pull this trick, try to limit her role, keep the introduction short and avoid giving the character too much development. (like describing Hanako's living situation)
It makes me happy that you feel it's the tip of the iceberg. I read a writing guide that said there's no such thing as too subtle. There is some subtlety in it, but not subtle enough that you'll have missed it. As a first work, it can't be too long, so 5000 words is a good size. While I have no shortage of crazy ideas to extended the story, I wrote it the way it played out in my head, and I'd like to leave it the way it is.
I'm not asking you to change the story or expand on it. But I personally do believe there's such a thing as being too subtle. You're the writer, so all the details needed to comprehend the complete scenario, are in the back of your head. Even the details you didn't write down. The reader, however, only has the written hints to rely on and a few more hints were definitely appreciated. As for the length...I personally don't think there's a set limit to how long a first work should be. Your first work should contain as many or as few words as you need to tell the story. (as should all your other works) No more no less. Heck, my first work was over 75000 words, though that's not a size I'd recommend to others.
Freeloader because her father pays the mortgage for them. That itself is one of the 'subtle' hints (along with the job reference) - that Misha's father may be slightly domineering/controlling.
I probably missed that one. Since homes are so expensive in Japan, it wasn't uncommon for couples to continue living with one of the partners' parents, even after marriage. (though that's changing due to young people desiring more privacy these days and kids taking care of their parents no longer being as much of a given as it used to be) We probably disagree on the definition of the word. But teacher can be a pretty stressful job and I don't think many people would call a person who works a full-time job a freeloader, even if he doesn't pay his own rent.
I honestly felt the conversation in chapter five warranted Shiina hitting Hisao. Her clumsiness is demonstrated in front of them both, Hisao makes a remark which insults her intelligence, he hints that he could have had Shizune instead of her, jokes about her being fat, and then calls her by the name she doesn't like.
I'm kind of with Mirage on this one that none of the reasons would seem sufficient justification for hitting someone. Physical violence is generally used to indicate the relationship is already extremely disfunctional and up to that point there's no hint that their relationship is on the brink of falling apart. It seemed too sudden.
Hmm...you know. I think I actually expected the reader to do the character development in the half-year gap between chapters four and five themselves. I now realize how totally unacceptable that is.
The reader will only do the character development if you nudge them towards a certain point and a time skip doesn't automatically make the relationship better or worse unless you give a clear indication that it was heading into a certain direction.

Oh, and I never got around to reading For Want of a Nail, so that's why I was a bit surprised. In the end, it's not that big a deal, though if you used any background info from that fic other than the main pairing, it's better to mention in advance that this is an epilogue instead of assuming your readers have read a certain fic. That's not always the case.
Last edited by Guest Poster on Sun Jan 05, 2014 8:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Mirage_GSM » Sun Jan 05, 2014 8:05 am

I don't think he meant the Prof's route specifically...
That one's still ongoing either way.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Hotkey » Sun Jan 05, 2014 9:44 am

Mirage_GSM wrote:In all, the "jelly belly" was the only thing that I even saw as a reason for the hit - and not really a good one. In an intact relationship such a comment might at worst warrant a playful punch
When you put it that way, it does seem pretty odd.

"...the love of my life has returned from another hard day of teaching."
Thirty seconds later she whacks him. It don't add up right!

If I wrote:
"You're such a jelly-belly Misha."
"Oh stop it you big kidder!" I give him a playful punch in the arm.
It would have been just as believable.

Rule devised: If I can hot-swap reactions which are 180 degrees apart, to a supposedly emotional action or scene, then the original reaction was not accurate.
Mirage_GSM wrote:I don't think he meant the Prof's route specifically...
That one's still ongoing either way.
Indeed. I didn't (consciously) borrow much from it. That one is excellent, but there's others too such as DrSciencePHD's, or the two routes Doomish wrote.
Guest Poster wrote:I don't think using a character purely for introducing the main scenario is a bad thing, but you spent 1/3rd of the story telling things from Hanako's POV, which creates the expectation in the reader that she's relevant to the main plot.
Understood. I introduced Hanako as the protagonist, and then said "Ah no she's not!" to the reader (without actually telling them that), leaving them in confusion. In fact, she's not even in the story anymore! I suppose it was quite strange.

Rule devised: I should be obvious enough to ensure the reader knows everything I know, but subtle enough not to insult their intelligence by being too obvious.

Lack of Eastern experience is responsible for my poor understanding of Japanese living situations. I looked at it from a Western perspective too much. More research will be undertaken in future.

Point taken about character development over time. There was no indication that the relationship would change. The epilogue too - it should have been clearer, especially since this is based on fanon routes.

You know, it's interesting debating this with you two. There's an overriding rule here I think: If I have to justify my story to the reader in order to suspend their disbelief, then the story itself is not believable. In fact, literature IS lying, isn't it? If I try too hard to make it believable, it won't be. It must be natural and realistic to fool the reader.

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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Munchenhausen » Mon Jan 06, 2014 9:53 am

Parfait in her vagina.


I'm sorry but highlight of the story right there
Like stupid, silly doodles with no point? You've come to the right place, friend :^)
I also occasionally write oneshots. Why not have a skimread?
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Re: I Won't Be Back Tonight

Post by Blasphemy » Mon Jan 06, 2014 10:30 am

That was actually something else I considered pointing out.

Writing sex scenes is extremely hard and on top of it I don't know how Hotkey intended those scenes to come over but... while the "penis spasms inside of her" bit just read badly that whole parfait 'business'... well that was almost vomit-inducing.

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