Learning To Fly wrote:“That's kind of a cute thing of you to say, but being too cute has its drawbacks too,” she manages while giggling.
Learning To Fly wrote:A short haired girl with raven colored hair turns around at the voice
Should be hyphenated as "raven-colored," but the phrasing is awkward and best changed entirely. I personally recommend "A girl with short, raven hair..." 'Raven' and 'sable' are adjectives, not adverbs, even though they're more typically nouns.
Eurobeatjester wrote:I honestly had no idea that Cold War was also used in the other Saki route. I felt having the split before then didn't feel natural, and having it afterwards would have gotten you too involved with the other girls since afterwards the action happens pretty fast.
Okay, I'll tell you this right now, as somebody who prides herself on being kind of a KS
: starting a pseudo-route from "Cold War" (or, alternatively, having Hisao have a temper tantrum during that scene) is a Katawa Shoujo
. It's been done at least four times, and I very nearly did a similar thing in Mean Time to Breakdown
before realizing the idea didn't work. Science has, obviously, proven that that scene can be an effective vehicle for achieving whatever result you're trying to accomplish, and in this particular case, I don't think you ought to change anything about this chapter. However, it would be remiss of me not to point out that there is
an alternative out there for somebody daring to go off the beaten path: The 'Piss off, Misha,' option in "Slow Recovery." In-game, that choice results in a Kenji end, and I always thought it was kind of stupid that the difference between dying and starting the Emi route was whether or not you were cruel to Misha.
Eurobeatjester wrote:Just out of curiosity, how much of a bitch was she in the other route? You're the third person now to comment on that aspect of it.
Colossal, although not as bad as Rika.
Whoa, I don't agree with that at all. Rika had pathos
, and while she was occasionally an asshole, she usually suffered consequences for that. Themocaw's Saki was just an unmitigated goatfucker who knew everything about everybody and always got away with being an asshole to whomever she wanted.
AntonSlavik020 wrote:I couldn't even get a few paragraphs into that Rika route. The fact that she smokes(a HUGE turn off for me)
And yet, according to your sig, you like Rin more
Kyler Thatch wrote:Haven't read the other Saki route myself, and from what I'm hearing, I'm not entirely sure if I should bother. If nothing else, at least, I don't want to get the two Saki's mixed up in my head.
It's not Themocaw's best work. He and Doomish are similar in that they've written some work that's fairly compelling, and some work that makes me roll my eyes so hard that they're still aching when I go to bed for the night. Nicer denizens of the forums might disagree, but since I'm beginning to cultivate a reputation as the resident She-Wolf Fanfiction Nazi, I may as well go whole hog.
Anyway, Eurobeatjester, you're doing great things with this fic so far, and I'm really impressed with your effort. I'd say that so far, you're doing a great job keeping everybody in character, and you're doing a wonderful job of making Saki seem wonderful and desirable and charming, so more props to you. You also sound like you genuinely take constructive criticism to heart, which is endearing. I will
say that it feels like Saki starts to fall for Hisao a little too fast, but you could probably say that about all the other girls, so it's not really a big deal.
I look forward to reading more of this.