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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:22 pm
by Eurobeatjester
Wow, I had no idea reaction to that other route was that...strong.

Thanks for the kind words all, and the grammar corrections. Some of them are so obvious that I miss them when proofreading.

Thanks for the feedback as well. I'll do my best to do the character justice, and I hope she came across well in this chapter.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:04 pm
by Kyler Thatch
I like the characterization of Saki here. She's fun. :D

Haven't read the other Saki route myself, and from what I'm hearing, I'm not entirely sure if I should bother. If nothing else, at least, I don't want to get the two Saki's mixed up in my head.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:46 pm
by Leaty
Learning To Fly wrote:“That's kind of a cute thing of you to say, but being too cute has its drawbacks too,” she manages while giggling.
Image
Learning To Fly wrote:A short haired girl with raven colored hair turns around at the voice
Should be hyphenated as "raven-colored," but the phrasing is awkward and best changed entirely. I personally recommend "A girl with short, raven hair..." 'Raven' and 'sable' are adjectives, not adverbs, even though they're more typically nouns. Image
Eurobeatjester wrote:I honestly had no idea that Cold War was also used in the other Saki route. I felt having the split before then didn't feel natural, and having it afterwards would have gotten you too involved with the other girls since afterwards the action happens pretty fast.
Okay, I'll tell you this right now, as somebody who prides herself on being kind of a KS fanfiction connoisseur: starting a pseudo-route from "Cold War" (or, alternatively, having Hisao have a temper tantrum during that scene) is a Katawa Shoujo fanfiction trope. It's been done at least four times, and I very nearly did a similar thing in Mean Time to Breakdown before realizing the idea didn't work. Science has, obviously, proven that that scene can be an effective vehicle for achieving whatever result you're trying to accomplish, and in this particular case, I don't think you ought to change anything about this chapter. However, it would be remiss of me not to point out that there is an alternative out there for somebody daring to go off the beaten path: The 'Piss off, Misha,' option in "Slow Recovery." In-game, that choice results in a Kenji end, and I always thought it was kind of stupid that the difference between dying and starting the Emi route was whether or not you were cruel to Misha.
bhtooefr wrote:
Eurobeatjester wrote:Just out of curiosity, how much of a bitch was she in the other route? You're the third person now to comment on that aspect of it.
Colossal, although not as bad as Rika.
Whoa, I don't agree with that at all. Rika had pathos, and while she was occasionally an asshole, she usually suffered consequences for that. Themocaw's Saki was just an unmitigated goatfucker who knew everything about everybody and always got away with being an asshole to whomever she wanted.
AntonSlavik020 wrote:I couldn't even get a few paragraphs into that Rika route. The fact that she smokes(a HUGE turn off for me)
And yet, according to your sig, you like Rin more than Emi...
Kyler Thatch wrote:Haven't read the other Saki route myself, and from what I'm hearing, I'm not entirely sure if I should bother. If nothing else, at least, I don't want to get the two Saki's mixed up in my head.
It's not Themocaw's best work. He and Doomish are similar in that they've written some work that's fairly compelling, and some work that makes me roll my eyes so hard that they're still aching when I go to bed for the night. Nicer denizens of the forums might disagree, but since I'm beginning to cultivate a reputation as the resident She-Wolf Fanfiction Nazi, I may as well go whole hog.

Anyway, Eurobeatjester, you're doing great things with this fic so far, and I'm really impressed with your effort. I'd say that so far, you're doing a great job keeping everybody in character, and you're doing a wonderful job of making Saki seem wonderful and desirable and charming, so more props to you. You also sound like you genuinely take constructive criticism to heart, which is endearing. I will say that it feels like Saki starts to fall for Hisao a little too fast, but you could probably say that about all the other girls, so it's not really a big deal.

I look forward to reading more of this.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:54 pm
by AntonSlavik020
Leaty wrote:
AntonSlavik020 wrote:I couldn't even get a few paragraphs into that Rika route. The fact that she smokes(a HUGE turn off for me)
And yet, according to your sig, you like Rin more than Emi...
I do, and the smoking scene was one of my least favorite in her route(in the game in general, really). That by itself isn't going to cancel out what I like about her, however.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 3:07 am
by azahk101
Leaty wrote: Nicer denizens of the forums might disagree, but since I'm beginning to cultivate a reputation as the resident She-Wolf Fanfiction Nazi, I may as well go whole hog.
I may just be putting my opinion in here as a common bystander to your constructively critical comments, Leaty, but I find your more grounded and straightforward comments on various fanfics to be very much needed around here. Someone has to keep mislead ambitions in check, and while it may be a pretty thankless job I just want to say that does not mean your work is not appreciated at all.

Also reading both your own personal works as well as your comments on others has probably expanded my vocabulary twofold, which is pretty damn impressive.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:29 am
by Eurobeatjester
Gah, I hate multiquoting on BB boards.
Leaty wrote: Image
I knew you'd get a kick out of that line :lol:
Should be hyphenated as "raven-colored," but the phrasing is awkward and best changed entirely. I personally recommend "A girl with short, raven hair..." 'Raven' and 'sable' are adjectives, not adverbs, even though they're more typically nouns. Image
Wow, I made a botch of that whole line. Went back and changed it to be clearer.

FWIW, she's the character to Saki's right in the piece of concept art Wheeee did of Saki with her two friends. I don't have the pic right in front of me at the moment however.
Anyway, Eurobeatjester, you're doing great things with this fic so far, and I'm really impressed with your effort. I'd say that so far, you're doing a great job keeping everybody in character, and you're doing a wonderful job of making Saki seem wonderful and desirable and charming, so more props to you. You also sound like you genuinely take constructive criticism to heart, which is endearing. I will say that it feels like Saki starts to fall for Hisao a little too fast, but you could probably say that about all the other girls, so it's not really a big deal.

I look forward to reading more of this.
Thanks for the comments about constructive criticism there. I've always believed it's important as a writer to learn from it to help grow.

What's equally important however, are people that know what constructive criticism is. Simply telling someone that "I don't like your story, it sucks," is not constructive criticism. "This is why I don't like your story" is more polite but ultimately opinion and I wouldn't consider it constructive criticism. But things like spelling and grammar mistakes are definitely needed. As are things like "This sentence/paragraph could be worded better."

I thank you and others here for being that voice of reason.

I believe that constructive criticism should be used as a tool to help an author tell their story - not change the story they're trying to tell. Sadly, too many people see otherwise.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:17 am
by TheGoatman
griffon8 wrote:If I recall correctly, only two pseudo-routes finished: Suzu and Rika. A third (Saki) finished with help. Aiko (OC), Akira, and Misha are more likely to finish than not, I think. The forum is littered with the corpses of other abandoned routes.

Suzu and Aiko's routes do take the unusual step of being from the point-of-view of the girl.
Rika? Completely forgot about that one, was a nice little story, even the majority of it was off-putting for me(the general tone of the story wasn't to my tastes yet it was still good enough to be worth finishing, worth the read) as far as routes go I'm positive the Akira route will finish someday, and hoping the Kagame route will as well, considering how far it has gotten. I don't think I've read the Aiko or Misha routes though, what are their thread names?

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:22 am
by Kyler Thatch
TheGoatman wrote:I don't think I've read the Aiko or Misha routes though, what are their thread names?
"Tomorrow's Doom" and "For Want of a Nail", respectively.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 11:03 am
by CaptainFalcon
Thanatos's Akira pseudo-route should also be completed soon enough too by the looks of things (considering it's in act V currently)
Anyway I am very much enjoying this so far, i've seen a fair few fics start off shaky but you've built a solid foundation here and as such I look forward to the next installment!

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Thu Dec 12, 2013 6:38 am
by Eurobeatjester
I'm trying to get the next chapter done by the end of the year.

I work as a delivery driver and we're in our biggest season right now. I'm making as much money as possible because we hit a slump after the first of the year. I don't think I'll have another day off until I take the time off for Christmas to fly out and see my family.

It sucks sitting down to write and only getting two paragraphs out, then stopping because you're not in the right mindset and even those short blurbs aren't coming out the way you intended. Guh.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Thu Dec 12, 2013 6:12 pm
by monkeywitha6pack
It alright :D! I know the feel. Been working on my story for atleast 3 months and I have nothing close to postible yet

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 3:47 am
by Eurobeatjester
New chapter should be up in a few days. Finally home and things have settled down a bit :)

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 5:07 am
by hyroglyphixs
Loving the story so far! I cannot wait for your next update :D

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 11:37 pm
by Craftyatom
I was, as usual, reluctant to start reading, for some strange reason. And, as usual, it just took a few minutes of reading to find myself really into it! The personalities you're creating look to be coming along well, and I'm genuinely interested in the story progression so far
I definitely think you're doing a good job, and I can't wait for more updates!
...On your own time, of course.

Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Posted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 9:11 am
by timetravelzero
Liking this Saki a lot! Hope this story takes off soon.