Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated/New Art 5/26)

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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route

Post by Eurobeatjester » Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:07 am

EDIT: Split into two posts to make it more manageable and more in line with the flow of the forums.

Was able to recover it from the hard drive and do some editing to it :) Longer than the first chapter, hope you like it.

This takes place in the middle of Cold War.

I posted a rough draft of this for a few people to read and someone said it plays out similarly to the other Saki route, as far as this "split" goes. I've never read the other route, but I honestly couldn't think of a cleaner place in Act 1 to break Hisao away from the established routes and start to move him in the direction of a different one. I'll probably write one more scene set in Act 1 and then get started on Act 2.

Act 1: Life Expectancy

Scene 2: Port In A Storm


I've always held the belief that every human, deep in their psyche, has some sort of morbid curiosity regarding the macabre. Whether it's watching the news cycles constantly focused on the bad things that happen in the world, reading a story where the main character suffers misfortune, or the way traffic slows down to view an accident even when there's no physical impediment.

You simply can't turn away when you see something happening; you're equally as transfixed in horror on the moment in question as you are from some sick desire to see it carry out. It's fascinating on some deeply primal level...and this is how I find myself now, watching Lilly and Shizune at each other’s throats.

It started innocently enough. I had woken up too early and couldn't get back to sleep. Not really knowing what else to do, I got dressed and headed to my class through the nearly deserted school. I was the only one there, sitting at my desk when Lilly stopped by, just as bedraggled as I was. We barely had time to discuss anything before Misha and Shizune barged in. I think someone said something about the student council budget, and then all hell broke loose.

Shizune is looking like an avenging angel, her hands and fingers moving so fast they're a blur. Misha is translating everything she's saying, but with none of the implied inflection. Lilly is as steadfast as a statue, only winding up Shizune further.

It's surreal. I am not awake enough for this, and I seriously doubt I would ever be awake enough.

“'Tell me the names of those two students. They should have your job if you can't even handle something this simple yourself,'” Misha explains, completely oblivious to how fast this is heating up.

Lilly lets the first hint of annoyance bleed into her tone. “One form isn't the full extent of what I am supposed to take care of.” While Shizune can’t hear the edge in her voice, Lilly’s body language is more than enough to show the blue haired girl that she’s perturbed.

Shizune looks about ready to jump up and down in excitement, her hands flying in another nearly invisible maelstrom.

“'Of course, you do so much, class rep~! It must be so difficult being you~!'”

Lilly's lips press together, clearly understanding the implied insult.

“I was actually just discussing the budget report before you came by,” she fires back, her voice stern and cold. “You must be very talented to have finished all your student council duties so quickly that you can track me down to make sure I don't forget my own.”

“'Are you accusing me of slacking off?'” Misha translates. “'It seems like you're confusing me with yourself~!'”

“I don't think so,” Lilly replies. “That would be a very difficult thing for me to do; comparing myself to you.”

“'You're right, the difference between us is like heaven and hell.'”

“And it's not hard to guess which one you might represent.”

You can cut the enmity in the air with a knife as they stare each other down. The irritation in Lilly's demeanor has been replaced with genuine anger, something very unsettling to see. Shizune has a self congratulatory smirk on her face, clearly enjoying this. Not only did she find something to criticize Lilly on, but she's breaking through Lilly's steady facade. Even Misha looks like she's beginning to understand the real nature of this conversation.

Shizune then fixes that gaze on me, and I'm left dumbfounded like a deer in the headlights.

“'Hicchan~! Don't you slack off either~!'” Misha says, pointing at me, still faithfully doing her duty even while a look of doubt starts to spread across her face.

“Wait a minute,” I hear myself say. “What do I have to do with this?”

“'Aren't you taking part in the festival, Hicchan? You are, aren't you? Then~!'” Misha pauses, waiting for Shizune to finish her next flourish. “'I hope you're going to do a lot more to make sure it goes smoothly than this person~!'”

I immediately feel my face redden at the unfairness of that remark.

“Don't drag me into this. I've done more than enough to help out with the festival, I think. If you're angry at Lilly, that has nothing to do with me,” I snap back, instantly wishing I had phrased that better.

“Now, wait just a second,” Lilly says, her own temper finding me as a target. “Are you implying the president is more right in scolding me than yourself?”

Oh for the love of...

“I didn't say that,” I say with an exasperated sigh. “All I'm saying is-”

“Hello?” I hear a vaguely familiar voice speak from the doorway. Three heads followed a second later by a fourth snap in the direction of the sound to see a girl standing at the door, one hand on the frame as she leans her head in. Her other hand holds her cane in front of her, at the ready to defend herself at a moments notice from the hostility in the room.

I may have never been so happy to see someone in my life as I am at that exact moment.

Shizune's eyes narrow as she signs tersely to Misha. It's obvious she doesn't like this interruption, although I can't tell if it's because it may undermine the upper hand she has on Lilly.

“'Miss Enomoto~!'” Misha says, her usual enthusiasm back. “'This isn't your classroom. What do you think you're doing here?'”

Saki makes eye contact with me briefly before glancing at the others. “I was trying to find some help and I heard voices as I was walking down the hall.”

I wince. So did everyone else currently on the floor, or in the building for that matter.

“What's up, Saki?” I ask, trying not to make my eagerness at the subject change too obvious.

“We need a few more things from one of the art rooms to finish our stall for Sunday,” Saki explains. “We were going to work on it after school. I found what we need, but if I could get some help taking it to the band room right now it would save some time. Do you think I could borrow Hisao for a few minutes?”

Shizune throws her hands up in the air when Misha translates this, and starts signing back.

“'You're not done either? I can't believe I'm the only one who seems to be taking this seriously~!' Hey, that's not fair, Shicchan,” Misha suddenly says, looking hurt. “I work hard too!”

As the two of them start heatedly conversing among themselves, I notice Saki lean slightly against the door frame, revealing that this isn't at all startling to her. Given what she told me about having to deal with Shizune, I imagine these outbursts of hers are quite familiar.

“Lilly,” Saki says in a friendly greeting, completely ignoring the other two girls for the moment. “I think Mr. Nomiya said you were using the stencils for your class when I asked him about it yesterday.”

“Ah, that's right,” Lilly remembers, her eyes turning towards the sound of Saki's voice. “We were finishing up our signs. I believe most of them are done, although I don't know for sure. Things have been rather...hectic as of late,” she finishes with a frown.

“'This is unacceptable~!'” Misha's voice returns to full volume, having finished her private conversation with Shizune. “'This festival is imperative to the morale of the school. Everybody works hard to make sure it goes smooth and establishes a sense of community! Too many people don't take it seriously and the image of the entire school suffers for it~!'”

“In case you've forgotten, miss president, we're not just running a booth. We're also performing to raise money for the year end recital,” Saki retorts, giving Shizune a completely deadpan stare. “We're very busy with both things, so surely you can understand if we may not have everything done as fast as the other classes.”

While I know that the beautiful inflection behind those words will be lost on Shizune, I'm left in awe with how artfully she wove that degree of sarcasm into them. I see Lilly trying very hard to suppress a smile, having not missed a beat. Shizune senses she’s being mocked and scowls angrily behind her glasses.

“'Why do you need help? Can't you find what you need on your own?'”

Saki moves her cane and raps it twice against one of the metal legs of the nearest desk. The loud clung-clung makes the three of us that can hear it visibly jump. It takes another two seconds, but when Shizune realizes her error, her cheeks turn pink with anger and embarrassment.

“Because it's heavy,” Saki says, pushing the right mixture of hurt and concern into her voice. “Surely, you don't expect someone like me to carry it all by myself?” The pouting look she gives is so exaggerated that it's all I can do to keep from grinning like an idiot.

“I would hope not,” Lilly says, before Shizune has a chance to respond, eager to twist the knife.

“I'll help,” I exclaim, pushing my chair back and standing up. “There's a while before class starts anyway.”

“Great,” Saki replies happily, her face lighting up. “It shouldn't be too much, just some paint and posterboard, I think.” Seeing that Misha is translating every word of this to Shizune, she continues. “Not only would it be a big help to our club, but to the festival as well.”

Shizune folds her arms and stares daggers, which I imagine is her equivalent of being left speechless. It's obvious she isn't used to being dismissed like this.

As soon as I enter the hallway, I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Saki and I manage to get a few steps down the hall before I can hear Misha and Lilly arguing again.

Thank you,” I say gratefully, falling in step beside her and matching her pace.

“Lucky for you I came by. What started all that, anyway?”

“I'm not sure. I think it had to do with the festival budget. The two of them were going at it before I could really figure out what that meant and I wasn't fully awake yet.”

Saki gives a small snort of derision. “Shizune's always like that whenever there's a big project,” she explains. “All the other classes are supposed to submit budget requests so she can keep track of the treasury. She comes down on anyone who doesn't get it done as fast as she does.”

“Your club had to submit a budget too?”

“Yep. It's not just classes that have stalls, but several clubs do too. They do it to raise money,” she clarifies. “We have a recital at the end of the year so that's what we're focusing on. Even though I gave Shizune our budget a few days ago, she still got on my case about taking so long to do it.”

“It almost looks like she enjoys it. I don't think I've ever met someone more competitive than she is.”

“Don’t get me wrong, she's good at what she does. I just wish she wasn't so damned arrogant about it. She loves to rub it in people's faces whenever she gets the chance.”

By now we've reached the end of the hallway at the entrance to the art room, and I hold open the door for her as she steps inside. When I follow, the wall of cold air that hits me makes me shiver for a second. The room is bathed in a bright light as the rising sun streams through the windows, catching a few stray specs of dust drifting lazily in its beams.

“I have to say,” I say, shaking off the momentary chill, “I still can't wrap my head around that little stunt you pulled back there. I've never seen Shizune completely shut down like that.”

Saki laughs as she rests her cane against one of the desks, crouching down to pull open the drawer beneath it. “She's really easy to wind up if you know how. She was like that all last year when I was with her.” I hear papers and heavier objects being shuffled around. “I don't think she's used to having other people stand up to her.”

I lean back on another desk, folding my arms. “Well, I've tried standing up to her about the student council thing. She's persistent, but I never thought she was acting mean towards me.”

“Oh hoh,” Saki says with amusement, closing the drawer and standing up, empty handed. “That's because you're a challenge and there's something she wants right now.”

“Let me guess; me joining the council?”

“Bingo,” she says, moving to the next desk down the row to repeat the process. “She's nice enough when she wants something,” she continues with a grunt as she struggles to open the drawer, “but when someone who stands up to her just doesn't agree with her, you get...that.”

I hear her curse in frustration as her search again appears to turn up fruitless.

“What are you looking for, anyway?” I ask her as she straightens herself up and brushes her hands on the front of her skirt.

“Mr. Nomiya keeps a packet of stencils that we sometimes use to make signs,” she answers, scanning the room looking for any place they might be hidden. “I was supposed to grab them yesterday but Lilly's class was using them.” Her brow furrows as she starts towards the back of the room, her hand gliding atop the desks for support in lieu of her cane. “Can you help me check the back cabinets? They have to be here somewhere. They should be in a blue box.”

I head towards the second cabinet as she reaches the first and pull it open. I'm instantly assaulted by an array of supplies staring back at me. Brushes, paint cans, blank canvases, blank poster board, several bottles of strong smelling chemicals, and about a dozen boxes on the bottom shelf splattered with paint.

“How big is the box? There's a few in here.”

“About the size of a shoebox.”

I squint to get a closer look, and make out that the top box on the stack is indeed a dark blue accented with a few red and white stains. “Is this it?” I ask, wrapping my arms around it and hoisting it out. Saki moves over to me after closing the door of her own cabinet.

“Looks like it,” she says as I set the box down. She reaches over and pulls the lid off, revealing a deep stack of thick cardstock cut into a variety of shapes. Every sheet has been coated and re-coated with so many colors that any one could be its own piece of abstract art. As she lifts out a few to make sure, I can see why they were being used yesterday; with all of Lilly's fellow students either completely or partially blind, having stencils like this would make the job of decorating their signs much easier.

Satisfied, she puts the contents back in the box and reapplies the lid. “We have everything else, so this should do it, I think.”

“Wait a minute, you needed me to carry just this,” I say, pointing to the object in question, “and that's it?”

“Yeah,” Saki replies. “You don't expect me to carry something heavy that far either, do you?”

I sigh in resignation and hoist the box up under one arm. “Is there anyone that doesn't work on?”

“Not many,” she admits. Almost as an afterthought, she moves to my open cabinet and pulls out a few rolled up pieces of poster board, tucking them firmly under her arm. “There, does this make you feel better?”

The look she gives me waiting for my approval leaves me laughing and shaking my head.

“Alright, you win,” I say, trying to hold on to some of my dignity. “You're lucky I happen to be such a nice, helpful guy.”

“Really?” Saki pouts. “And here I thought you actually wanted to help. I could have simply left you back there, you know.”

I realize my smile has never quite left my face since I started laughing. I was never really one for witty banter even before my heart attack, and the hospital pretty much killed whatever knack I had for it. This conversation, this short exchange, however...it's something I'm grateful for. The ease with which Saki holds and drives a conversation, the subtle back and forth, the good-natured ribbing while not seeming to take anything too seriously – it's drawing something out of me I hadn't even realized I'd lost.

Saki's reminding me that I have a sense of humor.

I shudder for emphasis. “I am now and eternally in your debt,” I say, bowing gravely. Saki responds with her own laugh; a light, airy sound.

“That's kind of a cute thing of you to say, but being too cute has its drawbacks too,” she manages while giggling.

“Oh?” I say, lifting my eyes to look up at hers, those playful sparks dancing in their amber depths. “How so?”

Saki's smile turns a bit softer. “People might start to take advantage of you if you make it look that easy.”

I straighten up as Saki moves back to the front of the room to retrieve her cane. “You're probably right. Shizune, Misha, you,” I point out, following behind her.

“I never claimed to be a good person.”

“No, just an opportunistic one.”

“You're learning,” she replies with approval, looking back at me with that impish smile again. She shoulders open the door and holds it with her foot for me, given that my hands are full. “But, if it makes you feel better, when you agreed to help me I decided I'd treat you to breakfast this morning.”

(continued...)
Last edited by Eurobeatjester on Sat Oct 13, 2018 12:25 pm, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by Eurobeatjester » Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:27 am

When we leave the art room I no longer hear any arguments coming from my classroom, so we turn towards the center of the building. This time however, Saki heads in the direction of the elevator instead of the stairs. She notices the look of puzzlement on my face.

“Remember when I told you that if there was anything you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask?” she says, raising an eyebrow. Her directness catches me off guard.

“Um,” I manage, suddenly very uncomfortable. I still don't know what the etiquette is for this, and I'm scared I may have done something wrong. “I just...remembered you taking the stairs earlier.”

“Oh, climbing stairs is easy,” Saki says lightheartedly. “Going down them though, that can be dangerous.” She reaches over and presses the button on the wall, and I hear the machinery behind the metal doors come to life. “Especially with both hands full.”

“I see,” I reply, not able to completely shake the unease I'm feeling towards myself.

With a ding that echoes through the empty hall, the elevator doors slide open and we step inside.

The walk across the school is fairly uneventful. Saki and I walk side by side, breathing in the fresh morning air. While there's no doubt that summer is here, the morning cold has just enough bite to make your lungs tingle. The grass glistens with thousands of tiny droplets, and the rising sun casts long strange shadows that cling to everything they touch. I know it will burn off fast as the temperature rapidly climbs, but seeing the school like this is a reward that almost makes getting up this early worth it. The only sounds are our footsteps, a few birds singing in the trees, and an occasional voice carried on the wind from some distant conversation as the grounds start to wake.

I take a few moments to think a bit more about Yamaku in general. I've tried to face this whole situation with a positive attitude, but there's still so much about this that seems strange to me. The school, being away from home, the other students, the medical staff...

...and myself. I find myself most alien of all.

Four months after my attack, and it still doesn't seem real at times. More than once this week I've let my mind wander and find myself forgetting about where I am and how I got here. I'll almost feel normal, and then something will happen.

I'll see a sign with directions to the nurse's office. I'll see an emergency defibrillator on the wall next to a fire extinguisher. I'll see a student with a cane, or a missing limb, or in a wheelchair, or with some other disability that I don't know whether to acknowledge or ignore.

And suddenly it all comes crashing back at once.

The worst ones are the reminders that involve myself. I'll lose myself in a book and lean back to stretch, pulling at the puckered scar on my chest. I'll be studying the homework assigned to us for the day, and look up to see all my bottles of medication a foot away from me on the desk, lined up like little toy soldiers. I'll take a shower and step out feeling refreshed, and then catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Fortunately, that last one has only happened once so far.

The one that's shaken me up the most happened this morning, however.

I was in bed, my bed, in that blissful state where you're aware but not quite awake. I buried myself deeper under the covers, not wanting to wake up, but looking forward to the new day. Idly wondering for a split second if Mom had made breakfast or if I'd have to fend for myself, wondering how long I could sleep in before having to run to make it to school on time, wondering if I remembered to do all my schoolwork assigned yesterday.

When I finally opened my eyes, for two full seconds I didn't know where I was.

I think that's the reason I found myself at my class so early. There was no going back to sleep after that.

Even now, I'm still inwardly horrified at the slip ups I've made around my fellow students. I'm still walking on eggshells around so many of them despite what Yuuko and Mutou have said to me. Something as simple as watching a girl with a cane climb a flight of stairs is enough to fill me with guilt when I get caught at it.

I take another look at Saki, who's half a pace ahead of me. She moves with her cane as if it's an extension of her body, never missing a beat with it. Her strides are cautious yet even, always making sure she has at least two points of contact with the ground. She's not even leaning into it heavily like I've seen some other students do. Remembering her in the art room and on the stairs makes me realize that she's using the cane for balance more than for favoring a weakened leg.

What caused her to end up at Yamaku? Why does she need that cane? How long has she been like this?

I’m doing it again. Stop it.

I don't have any outward appearances that would give people a clue why I was here. I'm not blind like Lilly, or scarred like Hanako. I'm not missing my arms like Rin. I'm not sitting in a wheelchair or wearing an artificial leg. Rin was the only one I've met so far who openly asked me about my condition, since it wasn't obvious. But with the exception of her, I haven't been asked by anybody outside of those who already knew about it like Mutou and Nurse.

Perhaps Mutou and Yuuko are right. These things are only as big of a deal as you make them out to be. Everyone ends up here at Yamaku for a reason, and it seems that everyone knows it and accepts it. It's not something that's taboo, or the topic of the day. It just...is.

“You okay?” Saki's voice pierces through my train of thought. I notice with a start I've fallen a few steps behind her.

“Yeah, sorry,” I apologize, taking two long strides to catch up to her. She seems to accept this answer with a nod and we keep walking, the arts building drawing closer.

Saki stops suddenly, her eyes growing wide in recognition. She cups a hand to her mouth and shouts out towards another student near the entrance.

“Chisato!”

A girl with short, raven-colored hair turns around at the voice, her face a mask of confusion before she sees Saki. Waving, she starts to lightly jog over to meet us.

“Saki! What are you doing here so early?” the other girl says as she bounds up. “Classes aren't supposed to start for almost an hour.”

“I was grabbing the stencils from the art room,” Saki explains, craning her head in my direction. “Well, actually, he has them.”

“Oh!” she exclaims, her green eyes opening wide as she seems to notice me for the first time. “I'm sorry! My name is Chisato Souma,” she says, bowing deeply.

“Nice to meet you. I'm Hisao Nakai,” I say, returning both the bow and the greeting. I can't help but idly compare how similar this encounter is to the one I had with Yuuko earlier.

I wonder how many more times this process is going to repeat itself this week.

To my surprise, recognition crosses her face.

“So this is Hisao Nakai?” Chisato asks, addressing Saki. She just gives a slight nod with that knowing smile of hers. Chisato gives me a coy look.

Oh, great. What exactly have the two of them been talking about? I never know how to react in situations like this.

“So...” I say uncertainly. “Saki's mentioned me, has she?” I cast a sidelong glance at her. She shamelessly meets my gaze and raises an eyebrow.

“Don't worry,” Chisato laughs. “She hasn't said anything bad. Just telling me about a new guy she met.”

“Uh...huh.” Before I can ponder this further, Saki speaks up.

“Chisato, can you take these to the band room? Hisao and I need to get breakfast before class starts. I'll swing by later to help finish up with the booth, okay?”

“Sure!” Chisato says, reaching to take both the posterboard Saki has and the box I'm carrying and easily scooping them up in her arms. “I'll see you later Saki, Nakai.” She gives a small nod in our direction and turns around to head back to the building.

“She seems...nice,” I manage to get out, not knowing what else to say but feeling I should say something.

“She's in band with me,” Saki says, still clearly amused with the whole exchange and my reaction to it. “We've been friends for a few years now.”

“What exactly did you tell her about me?”

Saki's amused grin breaks into a fit of laughter. “Nothing!” she insists. “I didn't say anything except that you were a new student who helped me out the other day. That's all. I swear!”

“I don't think I believe you,” I say, sighing in defeat. “But I don't think I'll be able to prove it.”

Her laugh dies down to a chuckle. “Oh come on, don't be like that. Besides, Chisato saved us some time. Now we can go get breakfast.”

For the third or fourth time this week, I feel completely dragged along by events that are out of my control. You’d think I'd be getting used to it by now.

“Where to? The cafeteria?” I ask.

“There's no place else, is there?”

“I'm the new guy. You tell me.”

“Nope, there isn't. Shall we?” she asks, turning back towards the main building, beckoning me to follow.

My stomach makes its presence known with the imminent promise of food. “Lead the way.”

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Last edited by Eurobeatjester on Sat Oct 13, 2018 3:48 am, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by BlackWaltzTheThird » Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:20 am

Eurobeatjester wrote:“Nice to meet you,” I reply, thinking how similar this whole routine is to what Yuuko did the first time I met her. “I'm Hisao Nakai,” I say, returning both the bow and the greeting. To my surprise, a mixture of shock and recognition crosses her eyes.
The double use of "<speech>, I <verb>" here is a little awkward. Perhaps move the Yuuko observation until after the bow and drop the "I say".
Eurobeatjester wrote:“I just...remembered you taking the stairs earlier,” I stammer in an awkward voice.
Could afford to leave out the speech tag. You can tell from the text that he's awkward, and stammering is easily written; see Hanako for best example.
Eurobeatjester wrote:Oh great, I think to myself as Chisato gives me a coy look.
Same here. You can gather from just "oh great", especially if it's italics, that Hisao is thinking to himself.
Eurobeatjester wrote:And I'm doing it again, I think to myself.
Here too. The "I <verb>..." is only really relevant if it's not clear who is speaking or how. Remember, we're in Hisao's mind here; the narration and his thoughts are kind of the same thing. It might be worth writing it if Hisao is thinking aloud, but otherwise text outside of quotation marks is assumed to be Hisao's thoughts. If it needs extra emphasis as being something Hisao thinks to himself verbatim, just italicise it. Helbereth uses this to great effect.
Eurobeatjester wrote:“Classes aren't supposed to start for almost an hour.”
Really? That early? I don't recall it being that much originally. It didn't seem like that much time remained prior to mentioning it.

Okay so, not really much to comment on story-wise. Things are only just starting to deviate from the VN as yet and so I can't exactly expect a whole ton of developments. It is curious that both Saki routes have now used Cold War as a divergent point, albeit in different ways. You're right, it is a clean place to diverge. Since you haven't read it, I'll advise you to continue not reading it until you're done with yours. You have long journey ahead; better to forge your own than to worry about copying (or averting!) any others.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Dec 09, 2013 12:45 pm

The loud clung-clung makes Lilly, Misha, and I visibly jump.
Lilly, Misha, and me
it's drawn something out of me I lost the last few months
Not really a mistake - just an odd choice of words: If he lost it, wouldn't it be better to say "It's given something back to me"? You can't draw out something that's already been lost...
People might start to take you take advantage of you
Copy Pasta.

Good work on this chapter. Of the currently updating routes, I think this is one of the most promising.
As to comparison with the other Saki route... Don't worry. It's different enough. For starters, your Saki is likeable.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by Eurobeatjester » Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:07 pm

I'll go back and make some quick edits now with some more thorough ones after I get home tomorrow night.

I remember getting reamed in English class if I ever used the phrase "someone else and me," always being told that the proper phrasing was "someone else and I"

I honestly had no idea that Cold War was also used in the other Saki route. I felt having the split before then didn't feel natural, and having it afterwards would have gotten you too involved with the other girls since afterwards the action happens pretty fast.
Last edited by Eurobeatjester on Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Two Turtledoves - A Lilly/Hisao Christmas Oneshot
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:17 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:I remember getting reamed in English class if I ever used the phrase "someone else and me," always being told that the proper phrasing was "someone else and I"
Actually it depends on the context.
If "someone else and me" is not the subject but the object of a sentence then it is correct.

Lilly, Misha and I jump.
Shizune is making Lilly, Misha and me jump.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by Eurobeatjester » Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:25 pm

Mirage_GSM wrote:
Eurobeatjester wrote:I remember getting reamed in English class if I ever used the phrase "someone else and me," always being told that the proper phrasing was "someone else and I"
Actually it depends on the context.
If "someone else and me" is not the subject but the object of a sentence then it is correct.

Lilly, Misha and I jump.
Shizune is making Lilly, Misha and me jump.
I'll add it to my list of edits. First time I've heard that.

I don't plan on reading the other route until I get done with mine because I don't want anybody else's take on her to influence my own as it plays out. By far, that's always been my weakest area as a writer when it comes to character development.

Just out of curiosity, how much of a bitch was she in the other route? You're the third person now to comment on that aspect of it.

Also, one last question, from a formatting perspective. When Shizune is "talking" I thought it would be tedious adding a description of Misha translating to every line. I couldn't think of any other way to get the point across except for using the double quotation marks to show that Misha was speaking for Shizune. Since Shizune is going to be in the story more as it unfolds, I wanted to know if that style "flowed" before I continued using it.
Stuff I'm currently writing: Learning To Fly: A Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route
Two Turtledoves - A Lilly/Hisao Christmas Oneshot
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:34 pm

I really like the way this is going. A very interesting choice to have saki play violin and I really enjoy that. Saki doesn't have much fiction s it's always nice to see something new and fresh :D
Wahahaha~.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by bhtooefr » Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:37 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:Just out of curiosity, how much of a bitch was she in the other route? You're the third person now to comment on that aspect of it.
Colossal, although not as bad as Rika.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by monkeywitha6pack » Mon Dec 09, 2013 3:02 pm

As much as I enjoyed that fiction it left a very bad taste in my mouth.
Wahahaha~.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Mon Dec 09, 2013 4:20 pm

I couldn't even finish it. She just did not seem likeable to me.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by Mirage_GSM » Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:08 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:I'll add it to my list of edits. First time I've heard that.
It's really easy, if you just drop the other people and see what is left:
Lilly and I jump. -> I jump. -> OK
Lilly and me jump. -> Me jump. -> Not OK
Shizune makes Lilly and I jump. -> Shizune makes I jump. -> Not OK
Shizune makes Lilly and me jump. -> Shizune makes me jump. -> OK
Also, one last question, from a formatting perspective. When Shizune is "talking" I thought it would be tedious adding a description of Misha translating to every line. I couldn't think of any other way to get the point across except for using the double quotation marks to show that Misha was speaking for Shizune.
You can just have Misha speak all of Shizune's lines and not mention the translating at all for regular conversations. Their personalities are so different that it will be obvious to the reader which lines are Misha original and which are interpreted for Shizune.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by Mournful3ch0 » Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:09 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:Just out of curiosity, how much of a bitch was she in the other route?
My bitchometer reads out at about 7.8 of 10 on the display. She is only superseded by Rika who fluctuates between 5.9 and 9.2 during the route.

As you have already figured out, reading the other Saki route would do you no good whatsoever. We don't need two Sakis who are painful to read interacting with other humans.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by bhtooefr » Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:22 pm

At least that Saki was redeemable.

Rikabro's Rika route, I actually thought the neutral and good endings were switched.
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Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (Updated 12/9)

Post by AntonSlavik020 » Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:17 pm

I couldn't even get a few paragraphs into that Rika route. The fact that she smokes(a HUGE turn off for me) combined with her general attitude just annoyed me to no end. The few times she has been likable was in the one where Hisao meets her in the nurses office, and one where she was friends with an OC that started on the day of the festival. Besides those two, I generally don't like her.
Best girl
Hanako=Shizune>Misha>Lilly>Rin>Emi

Best route
Hanako>Lilly>Rin>Emi>Shizune

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