Re: Learning To Fly - A Saki pseudo-route (New NSFW Art 2/22)

[Leaty]

I wanted to try and capture the feeling of time seeming to move really fast when you're dealing with a crisis, but as a result, that specific part was pretty short for how much it covered.

As I'm sure you've noticed, my method for conveying fast, dramatic events in first-person present tense is — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — EM-DASH SPAM.

"I—"

"But—"

And suddenly—

...Anyway, I'll try to come up with some specific feedback on that when I do my next pass through.

[Eurobeatjester]

I wanted to try and capture the feeling of time seeming to move really fast when you're dealing with a crisis, but as a result, that specific part was pretty short for how much it covered.

As I'm sure you've noticed, my method for conveying fast, dramatic events in first-person present tense is — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — EM-DASH SPAM.

"I—"

"But—"

And suddenly—

...Anyway, I'll try to come up with some specific feedback on that when I do my next pass through.

That is such a hard technique to not abuse!

[Mirage_GSM]

It always takes me the first few paragraphs to remember who all the characters are after those long intervals between chapters^^°

Noriko nods and walks off with purpose, giving a wave over her shoulder, leaving Saki and I alone.

Saki and me.

Otherwise no complaints on the grammar front.

Honestly, I'd like some feedback on the last part of the chapter, where Saki hurts herself. That was simultaneously one of the first and last things I wrote in the chapter, and I know it's not nearly as drawn out as some of the more "relaxing" scenes are, like the festival, the recording studio, etc.

I wanted to try and capture the feeling of time seeming to move really fast when you're dealing with a crisis, but as a result, that specific part was pretty short for how much it covered.

In that case it accomplished what it set out to do. Drawing out a scene like that would have felt wrong.
On the other hand, the clothes shopping scenes felt just as painful for me as they probably felt to you.
On the gripping hand that was probably intentional as well

[Blackmambauk]

Nice chapter overall I felt.

The scenes at the clothes store captured pretty much what most men and boys feel like when they are with women or girls clothes shopping.

Surprised there wasn't artwork of Saki's trying dresses out. Along with Hisao's reaction to it. That would no doubt be something special for an artist to do .

Loved the ramen picture, just Hisao's hair in that my god that is hilarious . Does the ramen guy have a crush on him or something, if that picture is from his POV.

I did happen to notice some subtle signs that Saki was struggling with walking around all day I think. That is something KS did so well, put in subtle bits to build up or foreshadow later events on all routes. I.e. like how in Emi's route Hisao kept noticing her struggling with her leg, leaning on one too much over the other, few scenes later wham she did it in.

I thought the scene with Saki falling over was done well, was a nice twist and no doubt is going to lead to some twist and turns in later chapters. Especially if it impacts Saki's ability to play the violin or swim, stuff that make her happy, to no doubt deal with her so far hidden issues surrounding either her life in general or her condition.

So which is Noriko really at Yamaku for? Like how your building speciation like KS did for Misha being at Yamaku (I assume you have it planned what Noriko is at Yamaku for right?) Though for some reason I have a suspicion it may be something like Autism. why I ain't sure it's just what Saki said, it's something that only becomes clear when you get to know someone. I know Yamaku doesn't cater to students with mental health disabilities, but it just rang a bell with me that Noriko might be autistic from what we have seen so far. She probably isn't but can't help be spectate.

Most of your grammar and spelling was correct from what I saw, just a few missing typos like I for when Hisao asks can he bring a book, and a missing t I think for health in the later part of the chapter.

All in all great chapter, really like where your fic is going.

Blackmambauk

[Mirage_GSM]

So which is Noriko really at Yamaku for? Like how your building speciation like KS did for Misha being at Yamaku (I assume you have it planned what Noriko is at Yamaku for right?) Though for some reason I have a suspicion it may be something like Autism. why I ain't sure it's just what Saki said, it's something that only becomes clear when you get to know someone. I know Yamaku doesn't cater to students with mental health disabilities, but it just rang a bell with me that Noriko might be autistic from what we have seen so far. She probably isn't but can't help be spectate.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
While it is certainly possible that there is a special reason for her attending Yamaku it might just be that her family lives nearby, and they want to stay in touch or some other mundane reason.
I have not the slightest idea where you got your autism idea from. Really, every character who behaves the slightest bit oddly is always immediately dignosed with autism, despite people having no idea what autism is really like. (I don't either so this is the next best thing - a personal account)
Noriko has no kind of autism that is known to medical science.

[Blackmambauk]

So which is Noriko really at Yamaku for? Like how your building speciation like KS did for Misha being at Yamaku (I assume you have it planned what Noriko is at Yamaku for right?) Though for some reason I have a suspicion it may be something like Autism. why I ain't sure it's just what Saki said, it's something that only becomes clear when you get to know someone. I know Yamaku doesn't cater to students with mental health disabilities, but it just rang a bell with me that Noriko might be autistic from what we have seen so far. She probably isn't but can't help be spectate.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
While it is certainly possible that there is a special reason for her attending Yamaku it might just be that her family lives nearby, and they want to stay in touch or some other mundane reason.
I have not the slightest idea where you got your autism idea from. Really, every character who behaves the slightest bit oddly is always immediately dignosed with autism, despite people having no idea what autism is really like. (I don't either so this is the next best thing - a personal account)
Noriko has no kind of autism that is known to medical science.

I'm autistic myself it just related with me for some reason. As I said I am just wondering out loud that's all, she probably isn't but I just recognized similar habits that I know myself when you suspect someone could be autistic. It ain't cause of the symptoms an autistic person can give off, it's like a gaydar, sometimes you just have an intuition about your own kind. It ain't always right, but sometimes it is.

I have seen that crack article before on Autism, it nails down a few truths about people with Autism. Of course as I can tell you first-hand, Autism is a very complex condition and one many are still finding out about in many ways most wouldn't be able to tell if someone is autistic unless they spend enough time round someone to pick up on how they act and think or the person in question just tells them upfront.

Again wasn't trying to start something, as always just stated my own personal opinion and curiosity.

Anyway looking forward to seeing if there is more to Noriko than we think and seeing where future chapters go.

Blackmambauk

[Eurobeatjester]

On the other hand, the clothes shopping scenes felt just as painful for me as they probably felt to you.
On the gripping hand that was probably intentional as well

I assure you, that scene was as painful to write as you imagine. :laughs: I'm glad that you and others are saying it had the intended effect

Loved the ramen picture, just Hisao's hair in that my god that is hilarious . Does the ramen guy have a crush on him or something, if that picture is from his POV.

That artist is best known for doing 90's shoujo style manga artwork, along the lines of Sailor Moon and Magic Knight Rayearth. That's why Hisao looks the way he does - every male looks like that She had a special for a couples commission picture during valentines day and I decided to jump on it!

Noriko speculation

This has to do with my headcanon of Yamaku a bit. In my headcanon, and subsequently, in my story, I believe that anyone can attend Yamaku, whether disabled or no. I know that there's a lot of speculation on that point and most of it surrounds Misha, but Lilly states that Yamaku doesn't accept mentally disabled students. ADHD (which a lot of people speculate Misha have) wouldn't be enough to get into Yamaku on its own, if the school only accepts those with disabilities.

Autism would also fall into this category.

There have to be some exceptions either through there being no official policy on letting "normal" students attend, or through some sort of loophole. Because without such a thing in place, Hanako wouldn't be at Yamaku. Of course she's scarred and suffers from very bad social anxiety, but physically? She's not disabled.

As to why there aren't more "normal" students at Yamaku, I believe this is two-fold. First of all, Hisao mentions the people that come to the festival from the surrounding town mostly tend to be older adults or elderly. This would imply that there simply aren't that many school-aged children in the area. The second reason only really makes sense when you understand a bit about Japanese culture and Asian culture in general, and I'm not sure I can explain it in the context of this psuedo-route because the characters involved would already know this.

The idea of individualism, at least as it's envisioned in America, is pretty discouraged in Japan and in most of the Asian world. Instead, a lot more pressure is put on people to find their identities as part of a group, be it their fellow students, a club, their coworkers, etc. Above all, you're not supposed to rock the boat or go against the grain. This is something that's changing, but it's the center of a very real culture clash that America hasn't had because one of the core American "ideals" is striving out to find yourself as an individual, even discouraging some "rebel" behavior as a standard part of personal growth.

So even if Yamaku had no restrictions on the types of students it would accept, it would be very unlikely for someone who wasn't disabled to want to go there, or even for their parents to enroll them. The inverse is true as well - disabled students would want to attend Yamaku more than they would a "normal" school.

I guess, at its basest level, a non-disabled student (someone disfigured like Hanako would be an exception) who chooses (or has their parents choose for them) to go to Yamaku when there are other schools would be "impolite."

So in that vein, as Mirage said, a cigar is a cigar. I never intended for Noriko to have any kind of disability except for some social anxiety caused by what I just explained, because I think it's a nice contrast and leaves some interesting openings to explore as a writer. I should go back and rewrite some of the dialogue in this scene to make it a little clearer.

it really pleases me as a writer that she's relatable to you and you're asking questions - it means my efforts to improve my writing and make my characters deeper than what they appear on the surface is working. That means so much to me.

She will have an important part in the plot, but to answer your question, she isn't at Yamaku because of a disability, or something that's disability-related like JSL.

[Blackmambauk]

Great response to my curiosity, very in-depth and full of good background on Japan, stuff of which I have picked up on myself over the years, especially after I went there back In 2010 and will be going there again in two weeks time for a three week break.

But enough on my personal life, sent you a more in depth PM of more of my thoughts after you sent me a very nice PM, thanks again for your kind words.

Once again I was more than happy to give my own opinion and speculation on Noriko, glad it has helped you out and made you feel your doing a great job as a writer.

Which you were doing already and don't need me to tell you that, looking forward to seeing what other people thought's were of this chapter.

Blackmambauk

[Eurobeatjester]

Tediusman is working on a sketch of Saki's outfits

[timetravelzero]

Tediusman is working on a sketch of Saki's outfits

Hype for Saki's casual wear! Did you commission it, or is it pro-bono?

[Eurobeatjester]

Tediusman is working on a sketch of Saki's outfits

Hype for Saki's casual wear! Did you commission it, or is it pro-bono?

It was part of the commission deal that the wheelchair pic came from. A commission and a sketch - I told him I would get back to him on the sketch.

Then he pro-bono'd me the April Fool's image that ended up in the Favorite Artworks thread

[Steinherz]

Tediusman is working on a sketch of Saki's outfits

Hype for Saki's casual wear! Did you commission it, or is it pro-bono?

It was part of the commission deal that the wheelchair pic came from. A commission and a sketch - I told him I would get back to him on the sketch.

Then he pro-bono'd me the April Fool's image that ended up in the Favorite Artworks thread

You mean pro-boner right? *stabbed*

[Eurobeatjester]

Woo! Tediusman finished the sketch of Saki in her outfits



I've gone back and added it to the appropriate part of the story Tediusman is the best!

[Mader Levap]

Very cute!

Oh, one comment about reasons that normies rarely attend Yamaku. You forgot about one additional possible reason - cost. In VN tutition costs are commented upon a few times (Misha mentioned she could attend Yamaku only because they agreed to lower tutition).

[Eurobeatjester]

Very cute!

Oh, one comment about reasons that normies rarely attend Yamaku. You forgot about one additional possible reason - cost. In VN tutition costs are commented upon a few times (Misha mentioned she could attend Yamaku only because they agreed to lower tutition).

You know, I was considering that as well, but I've (so far) not decided to delve into it too deeply because it would have to be a fairly complex system. Obviously the school has some fairly serious backers(and it's headcannon for a lot of people that the Hakamichis and Satous fit that category). But how do disabled students with non-loaded parents get in? Using insurance money? Sponsored? Death benefits from a life insurance policy? It can't be universal and just based on money, since there's some evidence to suggest that the students there come from all kinds of financial backgrounds.

Case in point - if you look at the class photo, you'll see that Molly's artificial legs are simply metal rods, which is the basest type of leg prosthetic. Compare that to Emi's legs, which are much higher quality and actually shaped like human calves - something much higher quality, and therefore much more expensive. She probably is benefiting from her dad's life insurance for that, or using Nurse's connections, or a mixture of the two.

Also, there's Hanako to consider as well. In Lilly's route when she's talking about traveling, she mentions that she's saving up money. This heavily implies that she's receiving payments as a benefactor to her parents' policy and wouldn't have received anything as a "lump sum" after final expenses.

Plus, just to throw another wrench into it all, there should be plenty of disabled students there who don't actually need the benefit of medical staff there at the school. Take Miki for example. Sure, she lost a hand, but there's no ongoing risks or health problems. Same thing with Hanako.

But all this seems to contradict what Misha says about them lowering the rate so she can attend.

The exact admission progress for Yamaku, to me, is similar to a LOT of things that don't get answered in the novel, because as far as the story is concerned, they're unimportant. We know Nurse must have a name besides "Nurse," but he's only important to the VN as Nurse, so a name isn't needed. We don't know exactly what type of arrhythmia Hisao has, because it's only important that he has one. We never find out the names of Hisao's own parents, because from a story perspective, they're only important as Hisao's mom and dad. There are a lot of other details I could name, but I think you can see my point

I may decide to expand on it in a future chapter, but for now it's only really important that normal students can (rarely) attend Yamaku, as opposed to how they exactly end up attending Yamaku.